frozenharbor10 said:Honestly, it might not be a bad idea to just give her a call and lay everything out on the table. If she actually cares about you, she’d find a way to meet you halfway...
Well, I don't actually have her number anymore. I deleted it from my contacts, much like I tossed out everything she ever gave me. One thing at a time, really. I'd just end up getting angry at her again if I kept any of it. And I suspect she might have blocked me as well.
The only thing left is this one email address I managed to dig up online, which I've already used to send her a second message. I also reached out to her best friend, who is fully aware of the whole situation.
Though, I suppose it’s unlikely she'll even see my email there, given that she uses it for Facebook, and I imagine her inbox is probably just buried under a mountain of FBa spam.
What exactly am I feeling toward her? I suppose... Well, I find myself drifting into thoughts involving her almost all day long... perhaps that is what this is. At times, I catch myself imagining holding her close, or even wanting to kiss her. There were a few instances where I imagined being much more aggressive, you know, pulling her sweater down, but that isn't the case anymore. In truth, I don't think I could ever actually go through with something like that.
frozenharbor10 said:Honestly, you might have better luck if you just tried something along the lines of: "Look, I'm sorry, but the games need to stop. I feel like this has gone way too far, at least from my perspective." Just be real with her about how you're feeling, and then she can tell you exactly where you stand right away.
Sure, but I really want to handle this in person; I'm honestly just done with these long-distance setups, but she won't make that happen.
At this point, I suppose all I am really looking for from her is just one single thing: for her to look directly into the camera lens and tell me exactly where we stand. Everything else beyond that... well, that’s entirely up to her, I guess. It could be her own will, or perhaps it's just my own desires, or maybe I'm just mistakenly assuming things are her desires when they aren't.
But fine, if you’ve already decided that I’m the one who’s going to end up being picked up from the psych ward by you, acting like the last idiot standing. Well, maybe that works? Though, I suppose there really isn't much of a need for it.
It would probably be better if we focused on being more constructive rather than just being destructive.
quietgull75 said:Maybe she’s acting distant just to see if you’ll actually put in the work to win her over. Stop obsessing over everyone else—just focus on her. Don't go full stalker mode either—just try being decent, patient, and showing her you actually give a damn. Win her back slowly by being a solid friend first, and eventually, she'll probably soften up. Just don't start dumping all that paranoid, suspicious crap on her—you'll just freak her out. You gotta win her over through friendship again.
Everything you're saying sounds like something I imagine she would say herself🙂. However, she really needs to give me another chance to prove that. To be honest, I've forgiven her for all the nonsense that went down with my head and my social circle, because I realize now that she didn't have bad intentions, but I wish everyone could understand that I didn't have bad intentions either; everything bad I did was sort of a self-defense mechanism, because, well, I felt attacked and panicked. I want to be constructive here. I want her to tell me whatever she needs to say about herself. I'm willing to accept that and I want to try again with her. I'm not quite as cold as I may have come across. I suppose if I don't clear the air with her, there will always be this lingering feeling haunting me... I'm not rejecting her, but if she wants me, I guess she should just make it happen sooner rather than later. If she did all those things to me out of love, then I value that, and I don't think there should be any shame in her telling me. I also want to open up to her regarding all the stupid things I imagined while I was busy creating my own false reality. And I do believe it would be smarter for us if I listened to her rather than her listening to me. Though, at the same time, I think she occasionally needs someone to act as a brake, since she tends to get carried away too easily.
Watch out for the fallout if I ever actually find out the truth I've been searching for so desperately; I mean, almost every scenario I've conjured up seems to revolve around her anyway.
quietgull75 said:look, if you're REALLY that obsessed—just go talk to her face-to-face then
I mean, that is precisely what I want to do, but she seems to be drifting away, or perhaps she's just pushing back, or maybe it's a bit of both... It gets under my skin quite a bit, I suppose, because she tends to overdo it. And then, naturally, I end up taking the whole conversation into private messages. And then some wise guy always manages to chime in, trying to encourage me to give it another shot. I wouldn't have ever been pulled into this little game if I hadn't allowed it myself, I guess. And I allowed it because, well, I wanted to play along a little bit... but certainly not to this extent.
And, I suppose my greatest wish would be for her to be the one to initiate things first, just to see how that might play out. I also find myself somewhat interested in the idea of poking at Gnip a little bit, if I'm being honest.
I suppose I’m siding with the first person here; I just want this whole ordeal to be over with. Regarding the second person, that girl As for the third, I think it would be reasonable if they gave me some sort of approximate breakdown of what was actually done to me, mostly so I might eventually find a way to trust people again. And as for the fourth, well, maybe some massive, sweeping changes to everything!
I have this theory that they’re essentially gaslighting me, trying to force me into being more empathetic or focusing on other people's needs, presumably so I’ll feel better and finally commit to that girl.
but honestly, all they actually managed to achieve was leaving me feeling like I had a heavy weight pressing down on my skull for two straight months. I couldn't sleep for anything, and I think I lost about five pounds just from the sheer anxiety of it all... But that part is over now; it's been two months since I started having positive thoughts regarding their massive little psychological game. Though, I suppose the FBI still occasionally pokes at me, hinting that someone might take their own life, or someone will end up killing someone else, or maybe I'll just wind up in a psychiatric ward.
If I didn't convince myself that they actually have good intentions, I probably would have sent them all a scathing message via DM a hundred times over by now... yet I keep telling them that this whole approach is a mistake, because any social interaction I have with people I don't truly trust is going to remain entirely superficial. And that goes for my own parents as well, I guess.
As far as the girl is concerned, I care about her more than anyone else... though, I suppose the others are decent enough too.
So, I was looking into what exactly datamn~1.exe or Data Manager is all about... I suppose I should ask, what is its actual purpose, and what kind of tasks can one realistically use it for?
I suppose their ultimate objective here is to nudge me into showing interest and essentially chasing after this girl. But honestly, I have no intention of digging around or playing these investigative games just because of some theory I’ve constructed in my own mind regarding what might be happening. If there is even a slight chance that this alternative scenario is actually true, then perhaps it is best if I don't bother looking at all. It would probably be much more productive to just sit down and play some video games.
I had actually put some faith in the therapist I went to see, thinking he was completely detached from this whole mess... but apparently, according to him, I should just take everything into private messages instead...
In any case, I really need to stay on top of my medication. And honestly, I want to take them. I suppose I believe we ended up at a decent clinic, though I say that tentatively, because I have this nagging feeling that the psychologist might be involved in some gaslighting. But I don't see any reason to spiral into panic or anxiety... as long as nobody starts bringing up killing, the police, or being institutionalized...
If people just stick to those silly little crime shows or conspiracy theories, I guess I'll be fine, or at least mostly okay.
But the moment someone begins threatening me with an asylum, the cops, or violence, I tend to get gripped by fear and start acting out, which then leads to people accusing me of being unstable, and suddenly I find myself just one step away from actually being sent to a mental ward.
I honestly can't even recall the names of my medications, nor do I have the slightest clue what my doctor's actual job title is, or even what they specialize in
I suppose they're some kind of neuropsychiatrist, though I'm mostly just guessing because she keeps giving me grief about how little I seem to know regarding her profession
But then again, I don't really find it all that interesting. My only real concern is the dosage, and I did happen to glance at that little printed insert that comes with the prescription just to see what on earth the stuff is actually for
driftinggull21 said:And what medications are you currently taking?
Well, just some pink pills my psychologist—or maybe it was a neuropsychiatrist?—prescribed for me.
Initially, it was just two a day, but I've moved up to three now. Plus, there are some sleep aids involved, which I’m really trying to avoid because, honestly, I already sleep like a baby for about nine hours a day anyway. But the moment I mention that I don't think I need the sleeping pills, everyone starts panicking. O_O
It happened a few times this month where my sleep suffered a bit due to some dark thoughts. It isn't exactly critical, though; even on a bad night, I get six hours, whereas normally I get nine.
They gave me the sleep meds because I had been struggling to rest consistently for about two months. That was back when I was spiraling into paranoia regarding killing people and the police... When my paranoia is focused on that one girl, I sleep perfectly fine. But when it shifts toward this other person, I can't sleep at all because the fear is just too much. Now, the real issue is just how much the people around me keep poking and prodding at me.
I suppose I'll keep taking the medication for now, since my only goal is to get all of this to settle down and finally pass.
Honestly, I can’t quite wrap my head around why my therapist made such a massive deal out of everything. I had managed to stay perfectly calm for an entire week, but then one of my idiot friends started poking at me with some nonsense involving gaslighting—not even about that girl, mind you—and I just completely lost it within a single day. Following that outburst, I ended up getting a double dose of my medication and a stern warning that I might end up committed to a psychiatric ward if I wasn't careful.
I suppose I have two different paranoid narratives running through my mind simultaneously.
The first one is actually quite pleasant, centered around that girl; in fact, just the thought of her occasionally makes me feel happy. The second one is much uglier, and whenever people start baiting me with that other narrative, I start spiraling out of pure terror, because that specific story is constantly preoccupied with talk of murder, hangings, prisons, and mental institutions. And every single time someone brings those topics up, I react violently out of fear. There has been so much talk lately surrounding killing, executions, jail, and asylums, and frankly, it doesn't sit well with me at all; it's incredibly stressful.
Now, if there was some sort of gaslighting involved, and they were trying to manipulate me into falling for that girl, they've gone ahead and manufactured these other possible scenarios that aren't pleasant in the slightest—things I don't even want to believe in myself, things I'd rather just forget.
There are probably another thirty potential stories floating around that I've already dismissed.
That’s why I’m willing to take the meds; I’m trying my best to just forget everything and move on. But then again, when I consider that the whole thing might revolve around her, part of me wants to keep going...
But honestly, I’ve already been given some direction on how to handle all of this. The psychologist I went out and found myself—someone I actually feel I can trust—suggested that provided this isn't just paranoia on my part, the best course of action would be to simply ignore everything and try to focus my attention elsewhere... which, I suppose, wasn't really what I wanted to hear. Because if I am being gaslighted—and I mean by my own parents and my closest friends—then it implies they are trying to help me, I guess, attempting to craft this illusion of a better reality than the one I'm actually living in.