Posts by Kate Jackson9

Noah Davis3 said:Sorry for the long post upfront. Honestly, I’m at my wit's end—I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, and frankly, I'm not even sure what's actually happening here. I just want to provide as much insight as possible for anyone who has the energy to read this and might be able to help.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over six years now—she's 25, I'm 23, and we live together.
I’d say my feelings haven't changed since the day we met—at least on my end. I don't think there’s anything I wouldn't do for her, and I truly believe I've never done anything to hurt her. We spend most of our time together and share everything; it's always been that way. Even if we happen to go out separately, it usually ends with one of us feeling pretty bad, so we're constantly checking in on each other to make sure everything is okay. Sure, we clash over little things here and there, but we usually smooth that stuff over pretty quickly.

What really scares me, though, are those moments where everything just suddenly explodes and I find myself right in the middle of a literal war zone.

I get that we're both under massive amounts of stress—money, work, college, all that—but I can't make sense of how she acts when things spiral out of control. She starts screaming and smashing things, and if I try to approach her, she turns on me. She’s especially prone to biting—so I won't even count the number of bites, scratches, and bruises I've ended up with after one of these "sessions." I have never once approached her with any intention of hurting her; I'm just trying to restrain her so she doesn't destroy the little bit of stability we've managed to build, and so she isn't running through the apartment building or the neighborhood screaming—there's zero aggression intended. I'm just trying to hug her so she stops flailing her arms, or sit/lie down with her so she stops hurting herself. Sometimes that works, but most of the time, the struggle just keeps going.
Her screaming... honestly, it terrifies me. Her face contorts until she doesn't even look like herself, and she screams so loud I feel like my eardrums might actually burst. I don't understand why the cops haven't shown up at our door yet, because if I heard someone screaming like that, I'd think someone was being murdered or tortured. After the initial stage—the breaking things, the screaming, and the wrestling around the apartment—she usually collapses onto the floor, or occasionally the bed or couch, and goes into some kind of lotus position. For the first two seconds, I'm relieved because she’s stopped raging and screaming; but then she starts rocking back and forth and chanting something, which just triggers another wave of panic for me because I have no idea what's happening to her or what to do. At that point, I try to coax her to sit on a chair, the couch, or the bed so we can talk like adults; it rarely works the first time, but eventually, she moves somewhere "normal" so we can attempt a conversation. I always make sure to stay at least 2 or 3 feet away from her and ensure there's "open space for an escape route"—because in those moments, she's actually afraid of me (I'll get back to that). We spend the first 20 minutes just trying to de-escalate, which gets lost in her rocking and chanting, her catching single words, the occasional scream, and constant attempts to flee the situation. Only then can we actually talk, mostly because we're both completely exhausted by that point (we're talking about an hour of "fighting" before we hit this stage).

Afterward, she claims she barely remembers half of it and perceives everything as me being aggressive toward her. She doesn't remember the parts where she's smashing things; she only remembers the moments I try to hold her back, which she views as an attack. She doesn't remember the rocking or the chanting or any of that. And almost every single thing I say is interpreted as verbal abuse. A few times I tried recording her on my phone to show her later what I was talking about (since she insists I'm making it up or trying to make her look crazy), and once I actually succeeded and showed her the video, she just broke down crying and apologizing. Of course, it happened again. Same exact thing.

I know maybe I should just let her smash things and walk out of the apartment, but I can't leave her wandering the neighborhood in that state—someone could easily jump her, and more than that, I'm terrified she'll hurt herself. I also can't just let her wreck the little bit of stuff we've worked so hard to afford through sacrifice, because in the end, she'll just bitch at me for not stopping her.

It either happens late at night when we’re both exhausted—for instance, she gets annoyed because I’m tossing and turning in bed (look, when I'm burnt out, falling asleep is a struggle, and I’ve always been a restless sleeper)—but then she won't let me just crash on the couch because apparently, we *have* to sleep together no matter what. If I actually try to move to the couch, she just follows me. Or there's the other thing where we can't reach an agreement—well, we "agree," but then she forgets, or doesn't take it seriously, or claims she didn't hear me, or thought I meant something else entirely. So I'm standing there like an idiot waiting, or I'm driving around looking for her because I'm supposed to pick her up, but she's headed in the complete opposite direction and I'm left wandering around like a fool. It’s honestly infuriating because she’s constantly glued to her phone—scrolling Facebook, messaging, all that mindless stuff—yet suddenly, in these moments, she never hears a word I say. It drives me crazy knowing she hasn't let go of that device for a second.

I honestly don't get what's going on anymore or where the breakdown is. I've overanalyzed my own actions a thousand times—and look, I'm not saying everything I've done was perfect—but I truly feel like I did the best I could in those situations. I have no clue how to help her, or even myself.

P.S. It’s not like we’re fighting 24/7. We’ll clash maybe two or three times in a few days, and then things are fine for months. Those quiet months give me this... I don't know, false sense of hope? Like we finally moved past this and everything is fine, and then—out of nowhere—it’s a total massacre again.

I probably missed something important because I'm honestly losing my mind right now. Just ask away and I'll answer. Thanks.

It sounds like she might be dealing with BPD, which several others here have already suggested.

They really ought to see a psychiatrist.
If you can't get them to agree to help, you have to ask yourself if staying in this relationship is worth it—it can be incredibly draining and just plain hard to deal with.
If you decide to stay, I'd recommend diving into some books on the subject so you can learn how to manage things more effectively.

neonhound10 said:I put everything you need in New York City.

I wouldn't have even started this thread if I had received an explanation that actually clarified my specific mistakes—instead, I just got a very vague response.

It's because you're sparking unnecessary arguments. You stated your piece, and that should be that. People have already let you know that you're exhausting and just looking for an end to the discussion.

I truly didn't view what I wrote as an unnecessary argument—let me reiterate: I have no intention of trolling or anything of the sort. I simply presented facts regarding the specific issues present in the engines being discussed.

As for those who find me "exhausting"—which seems to be limited to the individuals I happen to disagree with, though I believe I expressed my views quite politely—they are more than welcome to add me to their ignore list without any issue. However, instead of doing that, some people choose to resort to insults and label others as trolls simply for having a different opinion, which isn't the point of this discussion and, as far as I know, doesn't align with the forum rules...

And if you aren't clear on which rules, let me remind you that any direct interference with the PDF moderation is a violation of the sub-forum rules.

Understood. Message received.

1. When a specific user (CDRW) keeps throwing insults my way, this is how I respond:
.

The outcome? I get slapped with an infraction for trolling, while they get a free pass to keep being abusive.
A quick note: I have zero intention of trolling, but surely I still have the right to disagree with certain statements, don't I?

2. I post actual FACTS, and the administration just wipes them out without any explanation, even though they are directly relevant to the discussion. So, I try to ask what the issue is—just trying to figure out how to navigate things moving forward and understand which rules I've supposedly broken since I don't see any violations on my part...

The result: another infraction.
The reason given: violating subforum rules (though none were ever specified).

ruggedraven37 said:Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.

When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.

I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.

As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.

Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.

A good psychotherapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist isn't going to judge you; those kinds of connections are actually standard practice in the field. What matters is that they can offer guidance, shift your perspective, and help you move past this person so you can finally be much happier.

I have no idea how to even start working on my self-confidence. I'll probably look for a different thread about that later, since I guess if I improve myself, I won't feel the urge to reply to his messages ever again.

Try diving into something you truly love (you surely have a hobby somewhere), focus on yourself, and lean into things that make you feel capable... not to list everything: the internet is absolutely flooded with guides on this subject, so you could try reading some—it will definitely help you process the situation, but just remember that you shouldn't shy away from professional help.

Now that I've thought about it, the moment I decided never to reply to him immediately, I felt this wave of loneliness, like I'm all alone in the world. I often find myself thinking that nobody will ever understand me the way he did, and I'll never meet anyone like him again.

That feeling is completely normal after a breakup, but honestly, it isn't true.
I am certain there are people out there who will understand and respect you far better than he ever could, but in order to actually meet them and give them a chance, you absolutely have to let go of this relationship first.
You have to close one door to open another—and eventually, you'll find much more happiness.

The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now making me feel guilty because I'm struggling with the fallout of his behavior. So, who's the crazy one here?

He probably sensed your insecurity, and since he’s insecure himself and emotionally unstable, being in a relationship where he can control you gives him a sense of security.
That kind of behavior is classic for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (if you have some time, check out the book 'Walking on Eggshells'—that's the original title).

crimsoncanyon2 said:That’s just wrong. If you actually love someone, you can't just look at things in black and white—especially when we're talking about your own kid, brother, or sister...
And let's be real: attacking them is somehow the most "empathetic" way to show you care? Yeah, right...

They treat them exactly the same way they treat him—sugarcoating (or totally distorting) reality and coming up with excuses for completely irrational behavior.

Not necessarily. Because while you're still stuck in that relationship, you haven't even realized how much it has changed you—or maybe even crippled your ability to connect with other people or handle a new relationship. You're just suffering and desperate for it all to end, purely so the pain stops.
But honestly? It could happen that you end up hurting just as much, or even more. It’s totally unrealistic to expect yourself to come out of that kind of turbulence perfectly calm and untouched.
In fact, you might even start attracting the same destructive types of people into your life, because this ex essentially flipped a switch in your brain for a specific pattern of relationships... though that's not a guarantee.
Generally speaking, though, your best bet would be to see a therapist or pray to God that your next guy is actually sane... and that, over time, you can unlearn these old patterns.

Given what you've been through, you should be able to spot similar personalities pretty quickly—and those are the ones you need to steer clear of from day one.

It seems you completely missed my point.

You're essentially claiming her family doesn't care about her just because they criticized this relationship, even though she knows their intention was to help.

That perspective is an exaggeration and inaccurate. It's a textbook case of black-and-white thinking (which is pretty typical for BPD), because real love includes criticism sometimes. Criticism can be malicious or well-intentioned, more or less justified, constructive or otherwise (depending entirely on how one handles the situation), etc. Personally, I don't see anything malicious about critiquing that relationship; having good intentions is a prerequisite for offering support.

Attacking people is obviously the best way to show you understand and want to help... yeah, right.

You're overreaching here and trying to pin something on me that nobody actually said.

Attacking someone is one way people react to situations, and it doesn't necessarily stem from malice—sometimes it's just ignorance or a simple failure to grasp what's happening.

She treats them exactly the same way she treats him—sugarcoating (distorting) reality and making excuses for their irrational behavior.

You can't possibly draw that conclusion based on a single comment that offers nothing more than a vague glance at family dynamics.

ruggedraven37 said:I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?

He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.

Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.

You aren't stupid.

You definitely aren't alone in this either—those kinds of relationships happen all too often (which is why people even talk about Stockholm Syndrome as an extreme version of that dynamic).

You're spot on about struggling with your self-esteem. That is something you should work on if you can, ideally with some professional help—like a therapist or a psychologist (don't let anyone make you feel ashamed of that; just like you wouldn't try to set a broken leg by yourself, some mental health struggles are incredibly hard to navigate without expert guidance).

In the end, you'll be much happier with yourself, and you'll be so glad you aren't in that situation anymore. You have to realize that someone who hits you or mistreats you really should have sought professional help a long time ago (and the police could have stepped in, too). They likely deal with things like schizophrenia, BPD, or other conditions, but it isn't your job to fix them, nor can you—it's entirely up to their own will. And please, don't blame yourself for feeling like you need to leave him; people walk away from relationships over much smaller issues than this.
Some life lessons come at a high price, but they are worth it... keep your head up! 👍

Dead said:It sounds like your family isn't supporting you, so why are you still making excuses for why they couldn't handle things better?
What is there to "handle" here?
Either you love and support someone, or you don't—there isn't really a middle ground for "trying to manage" it!

It shouldn't be viewed in such black and white terms.
Often, people simply don't understand what someone else is going through, but that doesn't mean they don't want to help!