Look, man, it’s just a test... it’s not like you’re trying to save the entire planet from a rogue comet or anything. Just stay brave... you haven't even shown enough symptoms to qualify as a regular member of this thread yet... You’re honestly such a wimp. I really hope you aren't studying to be a lawyer; I definitely wouldn't want you defending me in court.☕ Final verdict: pre-normative.👍
Richard Murphy6... man, you're a total nutcase!🙄> And regarding those women-only threads... honestly, aren't we all just being absolute jerks from time to time? Anyway, you hit the nail on the head... I always seem to start acting up in the fall, right when the first frost hits the attic... I guess it’s just the change in seasons. At least I can use that as an excuse! Morphine Sax!!!
Oh, wait... I actually have something for you...
All my life I’ve dreamed of heading down to the river Riding an old steamboat hauling salt Carrying a long-lost love I'll never regret With a thin, long cigar and a few gold nuggets Just being Shane
Life on the frontier is dangerous and tough But from now on, my name stands for justice I can already hear the stories of Death riding right behind me As I gallop red-hot past the fires at the edge of town
That's Shane... That's Shane...
All my life I’ve dreamed of heading down to the river Riding an old steamboat heading West with the sleds Carrying a long-lost love I'll never regret With a thin, long cigar and a few gold nuggets Just being Shane Just being Shane
While living a life I didn't even choose myself My soul dreams of a dry wind blowing from the South I hear the noise of the herd and see the city in the distance As the thin veil of reality starts to fade away
I know that life on the frontier is dangerous and tough But from now on, my name here stands for justice On my gray horse, Death is riding right alongside me Leading me to where my old sweetheart is waiting
Step out and fight! There's no room in this town for someone like us Step out and fight! The street is empty, but eyes are watching from the windows Step out and fight! I'll take your life if you stay—I'm taking my honor back
That's Shane... That's Shane...
All my life I’ve dreamed of heading down to the river Riding an old steamboat hauling salt Carrying a long-lost love I'll never regret With a thin, long cigar and a few gold nuggets Just being Shane ☕
It just hit me—I was thinking about Avi, 123, all those people involved in the illegal stuff, Jonathan Reed4, veronika27... just a massive pile of folks who jumped into this whole crazy ride... and you know what? That one comment from her regarding the way pupating works actually triggered a memory for me:
.... pupating was basically the pioneer of blogging. 🙏
So... are we actually any smarter now??? Did we actually learn anything at all? Now that I’m sitting here thinking about it, my dear pupati... looking back at everything we used to write, all those debates we had, and all those copy-pasted songs and Bob Dylan quotes of yours... did we actually take away a single lesson from it all??
I sure didn't.
I just threw myself headfirst into the world... went totally nuts. I embraced my own madness and finally found myself... though finding myself mostly felt like wandering around lost. Whatever I could do, I just grumbled my way through, wandering along while holding my own hand like two total idiots. But whatever... it's all a lie. And so it goes, as long as this passive resistance keeps me going.
Man, how time flies... we were writing all this crap—so sincere and full of wonder—just six or seven years ago. Remember when I used to say "time is thickening"? Yeah, I think that actually happened. We aren't just growing in space; it's not just that we're getting bigger compared to our chairs, the bar, or the ceiling, or taking up more room in the house... we're growing in time, too. There's less time for everything, and fewer things left that can fit alongside us.
And I lost you somewhere along the way, my dear pupati, my dragon... lost you in this thickening time, as if the compression of time squeezed both you and your madness right out of my orbit while I was busy searching for myself. Latest news? Doesn't matter where. As long as there's boobs. You love boobs. Boobs are great. A friend of mine just got back from Chile with a whole new set of them. You would've loved them. I'm still obsessed with tangents, by the way. My entire freaking life is just one big, massive digression. One job after another, then laughter, then crying, then an idea, then a thought, then death... and we're all getting closer to it. I wonder if we'll keep growing in time over there, or if we'll just become part of the decor.
On top of everything, there's no Fear... man, how well we've aged. We were so original. All those nipples, rashes, HPV, toothaches, tumors, and other serious, nasty illnesses... we were just entertaining ourselves in our own little world—a world of madness, anxiety, Fear, and panic. And honestly, anyone who hasn't lived through that will never understand how original and brilliant minds actually functioned on this thread.
Seriously, why is nobody talking about this topic??????
So, basically, the docs told her she’s got Crohn's... but they also mentioned there might be something else going on in her small intestine, so she really needs to get checked out right away... They’re saying the best way to handle it is with one of those endo capsules—you know, that tiny little camera you swallow that records everything? Man, it is insanely expensive down here by the coast because some pathetic private specialist has a total monopoly and just jacks up the prices... we're talking like $1,300 for a tiny camera that’ll probably just end up getting flushed down the toilet. /Pardon my language there... I'm just super frustrated, and honestly, I can't stand doctors sometimes/...
I heard that they actually have this tech available in NYC, but I can't find a single lead on Google regarding where specifically... and is this really the best way to hunt for that kind of info???
Hey everyone! I might be totally reinventing the wheel here and posting something that’s already been discussed on the forum, but I honestly just can't be bothered to dig through all the old threads right now. So, just a quick one...
Does anyone happen to know where I can get an capsule endoscopy done here in NYC??!! Which hospital handles them, and does insurance usually cover the cost?
Also, if anyone knows of a good private clinic—and maybe what kind of damage I'm looking at price-wise—let me know! Basically... I'd love to hear whatever you guys know!!!!!
Look, you didn't have the right to... I'm typing this out... ...but honestly... I've just had enough. Go get some help. My history of craziness is way too long to fit into one night before sunrise.🙂
(Unbelievable... seriously, this just totally cheered me up... how great are these little emojis? Ah, it's the small things that make life worth living... I feel like jumping for joy right now! It’s hard to pick just one, especially when you're dealing with multiple personalities where your mood flips every single second... I want to use them all right now... man!!!)
Life really boils down to... to what... if I could only figure out the answer. People are always going on about it—hope!!!! They say... hope is the last thing to die, or they say... hope is salvation, or just... keep hoping, keep hoping.
...the only thing I actually know about Hope is that she’s married to Ivica from my street... they live three houses down. She’s a pretty arrogant lady... has two kids... one works at the local tool shop and even has his own business card... he writes... you know... his full name and the company name (my old lady used to lose her mind over stuff like that... like... "how can you not have a business card?"... "well Mom, because I'm never gonna be a welder at a shipyard or a caulker")... Hope's other kid finished community college (so, a little girlie)... and now she's... get this... an economist. I was walking past her once while she was flipping through the classifieds... she spotted an ad and shouted... oh lord, honey... here's a job for you... look... they're looking for... gbjg..ghmnhhm...mmngh... economist... ghmenm... sa... ..gbrhhmnnn.. what a load of crap!!! This is just some sss. It's not for you... they're only asking for a high school diploma, ah... she sighed, totally horrified. So, that's Hope for you. Oh, and... she had this wicked mother who, on her deathbed, called everyone nearby to ask for forgiveness for all the jerk moves she pulled while she was alive (including my Grandma Mara)... mostly because she was paralyzed by Fear that she wouldn't be let into heaven... and God forgives everyone. Even her... besides... I don't get why she was so terrified... after all, her daughter is Hope... and hope is the last thing to die. Right??? I don't even know the point of this whole rant... I don't know the point of hope... it never made sense to me how hope fit into Pandora's box... it must have been one massive box... or maybe that was back when hope was super young!? : /...which would mean she's really, reaaaally old now... or is that just a myth... but why focus on hope specifically... she's not exactly someone you'd write an epic poem about. Terrible!!! Whatever... I've honestly never understood the whole deal with hope and Pandora's box... and that Prometheus guy, hmm... 😕 ...does Ivica even know who he is?!
And there you go, my dear Richard Murphy6.... I am just not a fan of hope 😉
I went to grab a cigarette... and my pinky finger got snagged on the edge of my monitor. I gripped it so hard I totally panicked. For a second there, I actually thought I’d snapped it! Of course, that wasn't even possible... I barely even scratched it, let alone broke it. But anyway... I was talking to my mom earlier today. At one point, she asked me what that rash on her hand was. I looked at it and just told her it was probably some kind of spring allergy... man, it was so hard to say... "Mom... those are just age spots." It started on her right hand. I'm still desperately hoping it's just a rash. Honestly, she's way more aware that they're just spots than I am. She just said it with such sadness... "Well, I guess it's time..." ugh, maybe fifteen years left... she just smiled and went back to slurping her coffee loudly. I just sat there watching TV. I forgot all about my finger. It turned purple, a little blood showed up. It didn't even hurt. I couldn't even feel it anymore. It just didn't matter. Nothing really matters.
...I honestly get this intense Fear whenever a city bus pulls up near me... I start thinking about just throwing myself under the wheels.... I’ve always been terrified of those massive skyscrapers (that's why I love my little neighborhood)... there aren't any giant buildings or high-rises here... sometimes I just feel this urge to jump... but then again, I don't actually want to jump... and just like feralbear49 used to mess with me... "Come on... just do it... jump... fly... throw yourself under it... let the bus crush you..." while I'm sitting there fighting that voice inside my head, repeating over and over... "I love myself, I love myself... you haven't done anything wrong... I love myself... I love myself..." even a total moron could remember that by now.
...And man, that whole vibe is just so familiar to me during the summer months... I just let loose... I really give myself permission to go wild... singing at the top of my lungs, screaming under the shower... I yell because I'm loving life and the adrenaline is just pumping... because it feels amazing... and when I'm driving... I just let go... I get totally lost in the moment... I allow myself to be crazy... and then... block out... but what if I never come back from that madness? It's like madness is a highway... a high-speed interstate leading somewhere, and you're just racing down it, feeling absolutely stoked... ...CRASH!!!
Honestly, I’ve always complained about how there isn't a single volcano in my neck of the woods... ...and yeah, I know deep down I'm probably never going to be behind the wheel of a car... ...because whenever life gets too quiet and I'm feeling bored, I just know I'd end up flooring it straight into a wall, just to feel *something* happen...and honestly, that's where that weird craving for a volcano comes from.😕
Oh man, my heart is just breaking... when I read Pupin's post... I didn't want to cry... because I've always hated crying... but DAMN, it’s the exact same thing... freaking exact same thing... he wasn't just hitting you, he was hitting me too... everything else, from his very first sentence to the last, it’s basically identical... I honestly don't get why Pupin is so worked up about it. I started working when I was 14. I had to buy my own bike, buy my own computer, and I had to fund my own education—not just college, but high school too. My dad used to tell me, "There’s no money, kid. If you want to go to school, fine, but if you can't make it work, go fishing or something." So, I’d ride my bike every single day to school and back, waving at the kids on the bus (those idiots actually thought I was cool, thinking I was blowing my bus fare on drugs—which I never touched—or on girls, which I never paid for either, since they were always happy to hang out for free 🙄)... I was just surviving. And after graduation, when I started looking for a job, everyone just laughed in my face. Like, "LOL, good luck!" But whatever, screw them. At the end of the day, I love my dad and I love my mom. They're a bit much, and yeah, they're crazy, but they're mine. They make mistakes, and sometimes they're total cowards... though, hey, sometimes I am too, so what?
...I was thinking yesterday... back when I was younger, I felt like one solid, cohesive unit. Depression would hit me like a little soap bubble, trapping me for a moment... and I'd fight it off. I'd struggle against it for hours, maybe even days... and then finally, I'd give it a huge blow and push it away from me......BUT NOW... it feels like I've fallen straight into that bubble, and I'm not even fighting it anymore. This is just it. This is my baseline now. It's not like I'm having "depressive episodes" where the bubble hits me suddenly... I'm living inside the damn bubble. That's just my reality. Every once in a while, I manage to shove my head through the membrane just to take a deep breath, and then—*whoosh*—it sucks me right back in.
Ugh... I don't even know... if I say "it'll be fine," who am I even talking about? It should be me, right? But honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm not even myself... so yeah...
Long live the madness and the chaos! Oh man, Pup, you’re totally convincing me too...
If you try to do something drastic, I'll be right there to help you out!😁
hmmm... well... thanks so much for helping me out... I honestly feel like a new man😉 ...I just really needed someone to vent to.
...I mean, why even bother asking how many people there are... and why do people even read this thread? Well, I do! (Sometimes, just like you, I skip over stuff... but other times I actually stumble upon some song lyrics... which is kind of a nice little bonus... Pupiti finds songs for us🙄 ...
...Pupiti shares his thoughts and feelings right here on this thread... just like I do when I'm losing my mind, or like feralbear49 and Avi... plus a whole bunch of others who aren't posting right now but I know they're lurking somewhere... sort of like planets in space, or those folks from Strawberry Hill, Veronica... and all the others who used to post in the anxiety threads...
...On the flip side... if this helps people by showing them they aren't the only crazy ones out there... then awesome! In that case, we should probably suggest Pupini for the presidential inauguration. Saint Pupini!😁
...Whenever I post on this thread (or the older ones about anxiety)... HONESTLY... I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks. I just write whatever pops into my head first... I'm basically just chatting with Pupiti (and saving a ton on phone bills in the process🙄 )... that's the best part about this and all the other threads about mental health... anxiety, panic attacks, and all that jazz... they give me the permission to be a little crazy... because, more or less... that's exactly how I feel... and I think that goes for all of us.
And I don't think anyone needs to try and change Pupini; that's just who he is... his stream of consciousness... his emotions... but he can talk to you about it all... which he probably will anyway...
...so I just did a little digital snooping on you.... WOMEN'S CORNER, LOVE AND SEX, ......CIGARETTES AND KILOS ....(HEHEHEH)....FOODIE STUFF...and of course the EXPAT LIFE....God, are you even in here?????
//////I really put in the work here////....seriously, I'm such a petty person🙄 ...so check this out: Susan Ortiz43 posted in one of those sections where she was encouraging some girl who was super bummed out because people weren't taking her seriously...AND OUR GIRL Susan Ortiz43 was there to back her up...AND HERE IS HER WHOLE POST:
************************************************** ** If you want serious answers, just make sure to specify that you're being serious, and I don't think anyone's going to ignore your request. If you say you're hurting, I doubt anyone would mock you. The reason those of us who have been here longer joke around a bit more harshly with each other is because we "know" each other (putting quotes around know). The truth is, the rules get a bit tougher when people are talking nonsense or acting like idiots; if you post something stupid, you're gonna get roasted without mercy. The Majority of people here are actually really nice folks, and your comment feels a bit out of place—don't be so quick to judge people you don't actually "know" (quotes again).
************************************************** ** that last part from the Majority....(and everything after)...is definitely the best part....and personally, I'd just add...total bull shit...now I hate you even more...because you're a complete hypocrite. ugh...Richard Murphy6...thanks for your posts...they actually help me out. Honestly, it's better to vent my frustrations at random idiots I don't even know than at my actual friends who don't deserve it...and hey, I just need an outlet... (my sex life hasn't been great lately... if it ever even was... but maybe I'll ask Susan Ortiz43 for some advice... she knows everyone and everything on the internet)😁
Oh man, oh boy... ohhhhhhh my god, I totally forgot about that one... (seriously, there’s never an end to my brain farts).... OF COURSE THIS APPLIES TO THE ONE AND ONLY Susan Ortiz43 too....
....AND WHICH SELF-IMPORTANT JERK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SHOWING OFF WITH THAT FANCY ENGLISH??????????????????
Look, I really don't want to jump the gun here🙄... (just like you wouldn't) ...are you trying to let everyone know you got a perfect score on your English exams? Or maybe you're living abroad somewhere where English is the main language... or... maybe you're just a total blowhard.... (man, I love this stuff). See... anyone can find something to nitpick about. (And hey, you can pick on me too... my English is absolute garbage, and I'm basically losing my mind over Pup... plus I'm a bit of an idiot sometimes. And annoying, and rude... blah, blah...) yeah, whatever.
First off, I think you're being way too rude... JUST TALKING TRASH FOR NO REASON (??????)... you're disrespecting my friend... and not just mine either... because honestly, 99% of people here love and read what Pupiti writes on this thread... anyway.... if you take a look around... you'll see this topic is the second most visited one on the site... the first one is... well, obviously... "How do I lose weight?"... and if people can spend all day chatting about how they dropped two ounces and now fit into smaller jeans🤮then sure, Pupiti can talk about whatever is weighing on him too—and that stuff is way deeper and more interesting than losing damn pounds, especially since summer is coming and there are tons of awesome people out there who might actually notice you, and then you'd finally feel good about yourself (sorry in advance to anyone dealing with actual health issues related to weight).... NO, even though you can see my take on that specific thread from what I wrote... I’m not going over there to tell them... OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS ARE SO STUPID AND "FULL OF HOT AIR," ALL YOU DO IS BARK ABOUT WEIGHT... that’s not my scene, so I just ignore it... ...nobody is asking anything of you.... but if you don't get the vibe here... JUST BACK OFF🙂 ...you said enough right at the start... you jumped to a total conclusion before even seeing the full picture... some people get it and some don't... if you don't understand the vibe... there are plenty of other threads... go to that one... "HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT AND BE HAPPY"... or maybe that one about the Freudian approach to picking usernames. (Because we could say a whole lot about yours)... for instance, I'm clearly a drunkard... or maybe I want to kill Drew Richardson82 from the local jail ..or maybe I just call everyone "Kenny" out of affection... especially people like you... kidding! I love people like you.... you kind of push me to vent a little because... unfortunately... I can't always write exactly how I'm feeling.... but hey, I have great moments too.😁
...but seriously, in the end... it feels like you're just a little bird that flew out of the nest for the very first time and is now flapping its wings wildly... until you hit your first telephone pole. Every once in a while, folks like you fly onto this site, but you usually get fed up and leave pretty quick....
So yeah.... just read Pupiti's posts.... you might not grasp the meaning of existence (and I have my doubts about that, especially reading Pupiti's posts.. khmmm🙄 )... but you'll realize just how deep the human soul goes... and that probably includes yours... which, if you listen closely enough, you might actually hear one day. (Hehehehe... you'll be so terrified... maybe you'll even become one of us)
I AND FINALLY (for real this time).... I'm giving your post a 👍 because it actually jolted me out of the lethargy and boredom I've been stuck in lately... ugh, I hate idiots. I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM..... I HATE THEM!!!!! ...but I also love it, because sometimes I just need someone to hate... thanks, Susan Ortiz43 😘
...you think you know what disgrace looks like... and then you see it staring back at you... (like those creepy doll eyes)... and you get more terrified than you ever have in your life... Fear... GODDAMN FEAR........... SELF-PITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
...nobody can help me... I hate this site... I hate it... I don't even want to read it... I learn absolutely nothing good from it... I just end up getting lost in my own head.
Today is just not my day... today I am totally wrecked... after fighting anxiety, panic attacks, and neurosis for three long years, I actually bolted from the bus—the 492 line (which, honestly, was a blessing in disguise... I actually needed the 490 anyway)... I was sprinting from pharmacy to pharmacy, practically begging for Xanax... and I ended up with zero Xanax, zero cash, zero nerves, zero everything... I just sat at home and cried... like I did when I was first born. And I knew right then I was going to weep... I cried because I was trying so hard. But I keep laughing... and I'm actually nauseated by my own laughter... I just want to cry... CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...in the end, they wouldn't give me the Xanax... instead, they sent me over to the local charity clinic... and now I'm just LAUGHING... apparently, they say they hand out free pills there... so I raced over to the charity center... running like a refugee. They shut the doors on me and said they were done for the day; I tried to explain that I didn't need new shoes, I needed medicine... but they totally blew me off... some pregnant lady was left sjedisti in front of the doors with me... (who knows, maybe she gave birth in the last ten hours... I just hope the kid doesn't end up with my name) So go ahead, laugh at me....... while I just want to CRY.... CRY:::::::::: DAMN CAPITALISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
......my head is pounding. I fled toward peace and quiet, only to run from that silence straight into noise and chaos (and I've done this XXXX times before)... and now, I just want to escape to 3 p.m................................