Posts by Larry Gonzalez83

mellowskipper said:I honestly don't see how this could be considered hypocritical. It all comes down to basic prioritization—kids really need to learn that sometimes you have to pass on one thing if you want to afford something else later on.
It’s a simple trade-off, like choosing between grabbing ice cream with friends or saving up for a pack of cigarettes.
My daughter doesn't even get a set allowance once a month; instead, she gets a little bit of cash every single day $3.25 because she'll head out for a soda or an ice cream in the park right after school—or maybe thirty minutes before. And if she’s heading out to McDonald's or catching a movie with her group, she gets a bit extra for that too.

I hear you, and I mostly agree. It only feels hypocritical if you look at it as: "Sure, you can smoke, but I'm not giving you the cash."
Especially since most of it happens at home. Those cigarettes don't just appear out of thin air... it’s either me buying them or her using my money to get them.

When it comes to "allowance" money, I always like to know where it's going and what it's being spent on.

mellowskipper said:What I mean is that we won't be the ones buying her cigarettes. Her daily allowance is meant for things like a soda or an ice cream after school. Of course, she can always buy them later if she saves up, but then that becomes a matter of her own priorities. Certain things would just have to be given up...

I always try to set the money side of things aside when I'm looking at situations like this. My daughter gets an allowance that she uses for everything except cigarettes. We keep cigarettes at home and I pay for those, but even with how much she smokes, it only adds up to maybe $150-$67 a month. Before I made this call, I gave it some serious thought for two main reasons:
as long as there's mutual trust—and we do have that—I'll always know how much she's actually smoking. That way, I know she isn't relying on someone else's cigarettes because another parent is footing the bill. At the end of the day, it's about the relationship, not the dollar amount.
It would feel pretty hypocritical to give my girl weekly or monthly cash after letting her smoke and then say, "Here's some money, go figure out your own priorities."

We haven't really settled on a strict amount for her allowance, but I'd say it's around $400-$167 a year spent on everything else. Seems fair for an eighth grader. Obviously, stuff like sports, extracurriculars, clothes, and shoes come out of different funds.

Btw, how much do you guys give your kids for an allowance, and at what age? Is it a set amount or just whenever they need it? Are you teaching them any kind of financial discipline?

mellowskipper said:So, I found a lighter in my daughter's things yesterday—it just sort of spilled out when I was looking through her stuff. It didn't even smell like cigarettes, which is a relief, I suppose. She just looked at me like I was being dramatic and said that everyone has lighters and it’s totally normal. I mean, seriously? Why on earth would a seven-year-old be carrying around a lighter?
That whole phase where kids are obsessed with playing with matches or fire seems to have passed for her long ago, so I'm honestly just stumped...

Speaking of lighters, I was finding them in my daughter's things back in seventh grade too... though back then, I hadn't really smelled cigarette smoke yet—not that I wasn't sniffing around. She used to bring these incense sticks from somewhere, the kind that makes me feel a little nauseous, and she’d light them whenever her friends came over. I know for sure they weren't experimenting with cigarettes then, but I also know that about six months later, by eighth grade, they were playing with cigarettes... along with her BFF who ended up smoking too. That was when the smell of smoke started sticking to her. And that was right when, after some pretty heavy talks, she finally admitted they had been smoking.
I’m not saying this is definitely what’s happening with your daughter, but I do think it’s worth keeping an eye on things... just to try and stop things before they get too far along if you can...
Honestly, you probably won't be able to stop her from trying a cigarette if that's where her head is at. And whether she likes it or not afterward... well, that’s down to her. My daughter unfortunately liked it, so she kept going...
To be fair to her, though... in this past year, she hasn't smoked any more than when I caught her and we made that unfortunate deal to "allow" it at home. It’s still just two or three cigarettes a day, which I decided I could tolerate as part of our internal agreement. I'm willing to look the other way on that much, treating it like a passing teenage phase... hoping it really is just a phase...
Even though some people on here suggested that smoking at home might just be the tip of the iceberg, and that she’s likely smoking way more when she's out... we never actually doubted that. It seems like she managed to find a sort of "balance" to make it all work. Every now and then I suggest she quit, and she usually says she'll think about it, but that's where it ends...
Now we're looking toward high school... we'll see how things play out once they step into that older crowd...

Sandra Wells5 said:My daughter is 14, and while she hasn't been the "sweet child" type for a while, things have become incredibly difficult over the last few months. We recently caught her with cigarettes; she claimed a friend's friend gave them to her. My husband and I had a bit of a standoff with her about it, and she promised she was done. Then, just the day before yesterday, I catch her with them again. She claims she’s just holding them for a classmate so I won't find out—I told her if she's busy being a storage unit for her friends, who's looking out for her? It's the same story with alcohol; she's tried it, and honestly, she can outdrink me when she thinks I'm not watching. Just two months ago, she was insisting she didn't need a boyfriend, and now she's suddenly in a "serious relationship" (in teen terms, anyway) that's only a month old. The guy is nearly 17, and he seems just as immature for his age; apparently, he has ADHD. He is exhausting—he talks non-stop, and then they just lock themselves in her room when he comes over. As her mother, I obviously don't approve, so I feel like I'm just getting in their way. I demand they unlock the door or that they only hang out if others are around. I'm genuinely scared because they both seem so reckless, and I worry they'll rush into sex, which feels way too early at 14. I realize she needs to experience life, but it feels like she's trying to cram everything into the next month or two. Officially, she doesn't go out much; she just hangs with her group at a local coffee shop or Starbucks nearby, but she has a 10:30 PM curfew. My struggle is that I was a pretty good, obedient kid. I might have had a few cigarettes in my life, but I never got drunk, never went overboard with alcohol, and only had a couple of crushes before meeting my current husband at 17.5—we were each other's first. I know life doesn't have to be perfect, but it shouldn't all happen at 14 either. Academically, she's great, so school isn't the issue. What bothers me most is this snobbish, materialistic worldview she's developed. Everything is about money—designer clothes, the latest iPhone, you name it. It's like she only values friends based on their social status. She dreams of working multiple jobs starting at 18 just to buy a condo and a luxury car. Every time I try to ground her or give her some perspective, we end up fighting because she says I'm being negative or unsupportive. How do I change this part of her upbringing? Is there any hope? My husband and I both work and make enough for our needs, but we aren't flashy spenders. Her motto is that it's better to work three jobs if it means making more to spend more. Because, in her eyes, money is just meant to be burned through, right?

Every puberty is definitely different, but basically, it always boils down to pushing boundaries. It's a message: "Hey, I'm growing up, I'm changing, deal with it whether you like it or not."
There's a point where you have to let go a little, and another where you have to draw hard lines that simply cannot be crossed. It really comes down to your gut feeling. Sometimes, you have to consciously turn a blind eye to one thing just to send the message that you understand they are maturing, even if certain behaviors fly in the face of your own personal values. It's diplomacy... walking that fine line.
If you found cigarettes twice, she’s likely actually smoking and doesn't really care; otherwise, she would have put more effort into hiding them. Our daughter also started smoking at 14, and we didn't make a huge deal out of it. I wrote about that before. It's obviously not good that she smokes, but in the end, she turned out to be quite moderate and self-controlled about it. I'm not sure how things would have gone if we had gone straight to punishments and bans. Knowing my child, it probably would have backfired. We just chose to look the other way on that one.
With your daughter, it could be that she's still just experimenting and might move past the habit. Find a time and a way to talk to her. If she truly is smoking, you might not have much choice but to let it happen, even though it sounds terrifying right now. She'll smoke as long as she wants until the moment it's no longer "cool" or she decides it's bothering her. If she's just experimenting, keep talking to her about the health risks and stuff. My friendly advice... if the worst-case scenario happens, try to stay calm and don't make a massive deal out of it, though I know that's incredibly hard at first. It's not the end of the world, okay?...
Regarding everything else, there are some similarities to what I've gone through... I definitely see that generational connection. My daughter is more of a straight-A type, so school is usually totally fine. She rarely goes out, and if she does, it's usually during the day... just grabbing coffee with a few girlfriends here and there. There isn't even any drinking involved yet, not even among the guys in her group. Vaping is huge for them though—mine won't touch it, nor will those Heets things which honestly taste terrible—and they mostly hang out at local coffee shops or near the high school. I have to say, most of the kids come from good families, so they're decent enough... but how long that lasts, who knows...
Status symbols like having the newest iPhone or designer clothes seem to be everywhere, but then again, that's always been a thing, hasn't it? What actually started bothering me wasn't the phone itself, but the fact that it's become an appendage... you can't go to the bathroom or even get into bed without it. She's typing away all day, staring at that screen until she's exhausted, all the way until evening. It’s turned into a serious addiction. If we head out and she forgets her vape, she doesn't care; she'll just use mine or buy one later. But if she forgets her phone? We have to turn the car around and go home, because heaven forbid she stays offline for two hours and misses whatever it is people miss these days...
You mentioned your daughter's materialistic attitudes. Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about that. Working three jobs at eighteen to be financially independent sounds great... when you're fourteen. Once you hit eighteen, you realize there aren't actually that many people looking to hire someone that qualified, skilled, and smart. In the end, you realize it's better to be on your parents' dime than working three jobs for the exact same amount of money. I figure it's just a passing phase...
The one area where I can't really give you solid advice is the whole thing with boys and her locking herself in her room. Not because I think it's such a massive problem—though I definitely understand why you're uncomfortable—but just because I haven't personally dealt with anything like that yet...
I wouldn't dare try to tell you how to handle something like that, but if I had to say one thing... it's talking, talking, and more talking. Don't avoid it. As a mother, you have more influence there than anything else...
Best,

David Palmer5 said:I’m not quite sure what other kind of nonsense you're referring to, but you know as well as I do that one thing doesn't necessarily lead to the other.
In fact, if the Church views the whole situation as, "Aha, I did exactly what I wanted, my parents didn't even make a huge scene, and there's nothing they can do about it anyway," then she might see it as a green light to go out and try those "other things" too. 🤷

Sure, that's always a possibility. If we look at it that way, theoretically any kid could do anything. But some things are possible and some just aren't. I don't see this as some grand rebellion against boundaries. Every situation has its own set of rules. Just because I accept one thing doesn't mean I'm going to roll with everything else. Besides, I haven't even got a clue what else you think she'd do—I'm not about to spiral into paranoia over nothing. At the end of the day, the girl is "just" smoking cigarettes, and whether that's "just" something or not really depends on how you look at it. For starters, it's definitely not illegal, right?

Arthur Reyes said:I mean, I’m just asking. I was curious about 🙂 but you guys actually gave me a solid lead—if people just stop obsessing over it

(It’s like if someone hops in a car right after grabbing a coffee, suddenly it’s a massive crisis, everyone’s changing clothes and washing their hair because they were "near the smoke"
)

And honestly, I know it doesn't really matter in the long run, but I was interested based on what I've seen.

I’d love it if my daughter didn't pick up the habit today or tomorrow. I don't smoke myself, but back in my teenage years, I thought being a smoker was just so cool and mature—I remember it vividly. It was never really my thing so I didn't get hooked, but I'd light up occasionally.
I had a totally chill adolescence, and if this makes her feel incredibly cool, then let her smoke. I guess I’ll nag a little, because that's just what parents do, and I really hope she doesn't start at 13 or 14... starting around 16 feels more acceptable to me. I'd much rather her have a cigarette to feel grown-up than move on to something way worse.

As a parent who has lived through all of this, I can tell you that as your kid grows up, your whole perspective on the stuff they might go through changes too. When they're little, you don't even think about making a scene over things that seem like a lifetime away. But then overnight, the years pass, kids start getting into mischief, and suddenly there's a real problem right in front of you that needs addressing. I had hoped that even if smoking became a reality, it would happen later in their teens when I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it, since parents lose a lot of influence by then anyway. My daughter started smoking in eighth grade due to a bunch of circumstances I've already mentioned, so I won't go into detail. There's no question about it, it was too early. Whether it's okay or not, by the time she was fifteen, we just accepted her for who she was, even though it was uncomfortable for us at first... especially for me.
And honestly, I'd take a cigarette over some other stupid mistake if that's how they try to act grown up. Kids grow up in the blink of an eye, and it's hard to play the cop in that game. Someone you were treating like a little kid yesterday is still basically a kid... they just happen to have a cigarette in their hand now.

silverwalker27 said:Ugh, tattoos are trash—but they're definitely a lesser evil than cigarettes.

I guess it really just comes down to how you see things. I got used to the cigarettes, but with tattoos... I'm hoping I never have to get used to those. Every generation faces different hurdles. Things that were totally normal once become taboo, and then it flips again. Back when I was growing up, nobody had tattoos...
The whole debate started about what's actually okay for a teenager to do these days...
Kids experiment with smoking and many end up quitting. But once you get a tattoo, it's there for good.

...honestly, we’ve already gone way past the point of discussing late puberty, crazy chickens, or midlife crises...

Peter Rogers said:Since high school, I’ve always felt like hair and nails should be totally up to them.
If they wanted to get some piercings at sixteen, I’d say go for it, as long as they hit up a legit, professional studio.
Once they turn eighteen, tattoos are really their call, though I still wish they’d actually give it some serious thought instead of just acting on impulse.
As for smoking? Yeah, I am never giving my blessing to that.
Look, I was a smoker myself back in the day—started at twelve and didn't quit until twenty-four—and it wasn't like I suffered any kind of trauma just because my family didn't approve. We don't have to agree on every single little thing, right?

For now, everything seems pretty chill, but who knows? You can never tell when some random teenage brain decides to throw a massive party and go completely off the rails.

It’s actually kind of comforting to see from the comments that most people who started early ended up quitting later on. For a huge chunk of people, it’s just a phase of growing up...
I have a coworker who didn't even pick up a cigarette until she was thirty-seven, and honestly, I've never seen anyone smoke more in my entire life...

Timothy Phillips said:Tattoos aren't even a big thing here yet, though a friend of my daughter's—who's two years older—actually went to get tattooed with her mom. They both got identical butterfly tattoos in the exact same spot on their legs. It was bizarre.
I'm just waiting for my turn to deal with this.
Honestly, I'm just relieved she isn't covered in ink and piercings yet. 🙂

😵
🙂
I honestly can't stand those girls posting photos covered in flowers and butterflies, usually paired with captions in languages they don't even speak. It's just such an unbearable teenage phase...
Honestly, smoking feels like a blessing compared to that.

restlessbear10 said:Just like Erin mentioned, when my mom finally accepted that I was smoking at sixteen, I took it as her way of validating that I was actually becoming a mature, grown-up person—which is exactly how I felt at the time.

The initial reaction from the family was pretty intense—lots of bans, lectures, and all that stuff. Honestly, I took it really hard emotionally. But, I didn't stop smoking.
About eight months after she caught me, she called me over one morning to just sit, have coffee, and smoke a cigarette with her. I hesitated for a second, but it felt like the logical next step. It didn't feel like I was being disrespectful by sharing that moment with her.
That’s when we really unlocked a whole new level of friendship.
Fast forward to today: I'm an adult, and my mom and I have a wonderful relationship.
I actually quit smoking spontaneously when I turned 22—I got into a really cool sport and just wanted to be at my absolute best.
My godmother, on the other hand, won't smoke in front of her family. Even now, she has to sneak away to the backyard, the balcony, or even the bathroom... even at all those big parties where everyone else is smoking—it just seems so unnecessary!
Anyway... try to be friends with your kids. They're slowly turning into their own people. A cigarette isn't exactly a joke, but it's definitely not the end of the world either.

I kind of worked things out with myself the same way. To me, disrespect would be doing it behind her back instead of right in front of her, you know? If she isn't lying to me, she's respecting me.
But it's not like that's the foundation we should build our entire relationship on.
If we tied our bond too closely to that, it could easily turn into a pack-a-day habit if we leaned into that "friendship" too much. 🙂
The way I see it, I'd rather we aren't necessarily "BFFs," but rather mother and daughter... and she can smoke accordingly.

Honestly, I’ve already been through all of this with her. Looking back, I’m not even sure which one is the bad influence here... it's hard to say who's leading whom 🙂 If you ask me, they just did this in sync. It’s pretty typical for that age, two BFFs getting into trouble together. The only difference is the other girl was upfront about smoking, whereas mine managed to hide it until we finally caught on. But really, that's the whole story.
We’ve decided to just close the book on that phase of growing up. She'll stop when she figures it out herself, not because some massive army is trying to force her hand. I know that better than anyone, since I'm the one who brought her into this world 🙂 Until then, if she wants to smoke, let her.
And yeah, she's definitely one of those people where the first thing you notice is the teeth, the hair, the nails... you're totally right about that. If there's any silver lining to her smoking, it's that she ends up in the bathroom five times a day scrubbing her teeth. It's become almost a reflex for her after a cigarette, especially since she has braces.

Terry Martinez10 said:So, why does she smoke? What's actually driving her to do it?
It’s just because of friends, I guess, or maybe just because she grew up around it...

I really don't feel like typing this all out again. Neither one fits.
Let's just say she was smoking with a friend, but that doesn't answer the actual question: why did she start in the first place?
Nobody else in her circle smokes except for that one friend, so I can't really blame the peer pressure aspect.
Maybe she just does it for herself. She enjoys it, it's a habit... I don't have any other explanation. I don't see any of that typical teenage attention-seeking behavior, and there isn't any other context that would trigger it. Maybe some kind of premature "maturing"?! I'm no expert on these things, but I'm certainly not dragging her to a child psychologist just because she picks up a cigarette...

To me, "tolerance" just means: I know you smoke, and I’m not going to make a scene or try to put your cigarette out for you.
So, there's option A—where I honestly don't care if they light up right in front of me since I already know they're a smoker. Or option B—where I know they'll smoke wherever they end up, but once we get home, we'll both pretend nothing is happening and they'll just step outside to light up.
Both those scenarios fall under "tolerance." But personally, option B feels way too complicated for my nervous system...
My initial fears were strictly about one thing: do they smoke or not? It was Binary, a simple 1 or 0.
Since the answer is unfortunately "yes," the whole "being obvious about it" part doesn't really matter to me. My biggest issue isn't whether they'll smoke right in front of me when I already know they do. I don't react to visual triggers 🙂
Like I mentioned before, they rarely smoke outdoors—hardly ever, actually.
At the end of the day, there aren't any laws prohibiting minors from smoking, but even for me, it's just easier if they don't do it inside because of everything else...

rustyowl7 said:I honestly have so much respect for you all. If I found out my thirteen-year-old daughter had started smoking, I think I’d be screaming loud enough for the whole of Washington, D.C. to hear me. I don't smoke myself, though my husband does. I just don't know if I could ever stay as composed and calm as you are in a situation like that...

If someone had laid this scenario out for me six months ago, I probably would've reacted the exact same way. I totally get where you're coming from. But life doesn't always play out the way we idealize it. We change our views as we go... we learn to steady our nerves and figure out how to tolerate things we never thought we would.
My advice to other parents? Don't lean too hard on your own authority or "tough" stances. There are so many factors affecting kids that we just don't consider...
Since you aren't a smoker, you have every right to hold a firm line on this one.
Just a hypothetical question for the parents who do smoke: under what circumstances would you actually tolerate it? Only once they hit legal age?

Let’s just go with this, so you all can finally get some sleep.
I was rummaging through my daughter's backpack earlier and suddenly realized... I don't actually have a daughter, and these cigarettes are mine after all.
Everyone happy now?!

Timothy Phillips said:I agree with almost everything said here.
Since I have also been labeled a hypocrite, I feel compelled to say a few things.
I am not one of those parents who believes setting a perfect example is everything.
However, I do not consider myself a bad mother just because my child smokes. In her high school, every third student smokes. Parents either know, don't know, or are pretending they don't know. I know, and I am not pretending otherwise.
It was the same during my time. Most people who smoke start in high school.
In our house, neither my husband nor I smoke indoors, even though we both smoke.
The same applies to our daughter. I rarely smoke on the patio, and she doesn't when my husband and I are there.
We told her no smoking in her bedroom, not even by an open window.
If she smokes on the patio while home alone, that is her choice.
Am I wrong? I don't think so. Anything else would be hypocritical.

@Timothy Phillips
You explained how you handle your daughter's smoking so well... thanks for the comments.
There’s always going to be someone on Reddit looking to lecture you. Just know there aren't any "wrong" moves here, and no perfect decisions. Every teenager's journey is different...
Kids are basically just little people dealing with their own tiny crises, insecurities, wandering thoughts, fears, and curiosity. Sometimes we just have to let them stumble so they can learn how to get back up on their own while they grow up.
It’s a long road with plenty of hurdles... honestly, if smoking ends up being the biggest struggle, I'd consider myself a pretty lucky parent.

Well, I guess we finally reached a point where I can say I’m not being a hypocrite!
🙂
I mean, it would be totally hypocritical if I told her she could smoke, but then turned around and banned her from doing it inside the house, right?
I just wanted to avoid that whole judgmental vibe from non-smokers who always feel the need to lecture everyone else about how they live their lives. Honestly, if you have to smoke, girl, just do it at home and call it a day... no need for the big show. Luckily, around here, people are usually too embarrassed to smoke even around friends, so she probably ends up smoking way less than she actually wants to anyway...

Quincy:

I don't really know what to make of this... just feels like there's more to the story than what we're seeing on the surface... maybe I'm overthinking it though... says: I can't help but feel like you both are being pretty hypocritical... smoking like crazy while acting like you don't want your kids picking up the habit... I honestly feel like we’re missing the point here... kids learn by watching what we do, not just what we say. I don't know if there's any bigger motivation to finally kick the habit than being a decent role model for your own kid... I hear these stories about how people just can't quit... I get it, though. It’s incredibly hard when you're dealing with an addiction like heroin or cocaine. But honestly? People do find a way to break free from it... There are also support groups out there if you just can't seem to do it on your own... plus those nicotine patches to help deal with the physical side of quitting...

I’m not sure I fully follow you... or maybe I just misread what you were getting at. Are you actually suggesting that smokers should just let their kids light up without question? I know that wasn't your point... And for the record, I'm definitely not being a hypocrite. If anything, I've been there myself—as a smoker, I've let my kid have a cigarette before. It's not like I'm proud of it, though. Honestly, I don't think any parent would say they *want* things to go that way. And I am certainly not questioning how bad cigarettes are for you...
Jason Ortiz5 basically spoke for me there... Honestly, even though I’ve been a smoker since my early 40s, I still have every right to hope my daughter doesn't start at fifteen. I really don't see any comparison between my habits and hers. And honestly, the whole "non-smoker" attitude feels a bit hypocritical sometimes... like suddenly smoking is the absolute worst thing on the planet. Let's not get carried away, shall we?...

@Larry Gonzalez83
Honestly, I’m just tired of defending myself on this forum over whether or not I let her smoke at home.
Besides, when I first offered her a cigarette, I just wanted to see if she actually smoked, or if it was all just for show—you know, that "trying too hard" vibe. Turns out, she really does smoke.
Thanks for the advice, but I think we can just consider this topic closed. I’m done with it, and she is too. I’m not going to drag this up again. People say things change every other day, and honestly, same here regarding her smoking. I don't even notice it anymore. If she decides to quit, she should do it for herself... I already told her how I felt about it.
... yeah, and she really only smokes at home. Usually by the window or out on the patio. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea—I told her if she's going to do it, she might as well do it inside rather than outside. There are a thousand reasons for that, and none of them involve me being some control freak counting her cigarettes.
So, to answer your question, no, she doesn't smoke out in public. She isn't doing it at school during breaks or at music lessons or anything like that. We were having a picnic outdoors today, though, and she smoked when the urge hit her.