Yesterday morning, my daughter announced her big decisions with total confidence: she’s starting a fitness routine and quitting smoking for good. My husband and I were absolutely floored. We just stared at her, wondering if she was actually serious. Well, by noon, she had already rolled out her yoga mat, found a workout video on YouTube, and started training. Later that afternoon, we headed down to the Mississippi for a backyard BBQ with some friends to celebrate a birthday. I was genuinely optimistic. Seeing her go the whole day without a cigarette felt like a real breakthrough. When we got home, she pulled the yoga mat back out and started doing floor exercises. It was only 11:00 PM. My husband whispered that maybe she really meant it about the smoking part, and I hoped he was right. This morning, he and I went to the local farmer's market while she slept in. We weren't gone long, but when we walked through the door, there she was, lighting up a cigarette. My husband just remarked how long that lasted. It was disappointing. But, she’s back on the yoga mat again. Pure disappointment.
[QUOTE=starakrpa;92278109]My eighth grader is obsessed with scented candles. I keep taking them away, but she just buys more herself. Just let her burn them then... Maybe it's just a phase. 🤷 I even joked that she might set the house on fire one day. ☕
I really hope she turns out smarter than that. That goes for yours, too. And that's coming from a smoker.
If it's allowed on this thread, I'd like to brag a little.😁 I am incredibly proud of my daughter. She’s doing tutoring for math, chemistry, and physics, and she’s actually started studying hard. She fixed everything. We haven't seen grades drop like this in all eight years of school for those subjects (math and related 😁). I'm very happy.😍
And she's finally starting to open up and talk to me again. We're even going out together this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed that it stays this way.👍[/QUOTE
Kudos to your girl! It's a huge deal when you don't have to stress about grades, especially with high school applications looming where every GPA point counts. On these forums, we mostly vent about our kids; we rarely offer praise. It seems we tend to fixate on their flaws instead of acknowledging their strengths. Personally, I focused entirely on her smoking because that feels like our only real hurdle as she grows up. Looking back, I realize I haven't praised her enough, especially considering how consistently high-achieving her schooling has been. Aside from an occasional B, she hasn't struggled since kindergarten, so neither I nor Timothy Phillips ever felt the pressure of her academics. She's always been in the top five in her class, which has definitely spoiled us a bit, but that's better than the alternative—and she does it with minimal struggle. Before the pandemic, she was also very active in sports. Given how capable she is, I never expected her to fail or lose focus. It just doesn't fit her character. Timothy Phillips has a theory that her smoking is just her way of rebelling against expectations; she had to break the mold somehow. She has always been a unique kid who refused to follow the crowd.[/QUOTE]
hiddendriver34 said:I’ve always felt that playing games or being shady isn't a winning strategy, and that goes for giving advice too. What’s the end goal there? You’re just hiding things and being dishonest.
For instance, I would never—and I mean never—allow my kid to smoke in the house, nor would I ever sit there and light up alongside them. My stance on cigarettes is pretty well-known, and I’m certainly not going to be encouraging anyone to pick up the habit.
That said, I really believe in keeping the lines of communication wide open. Teenagers are going to experiment; they want to feel grown-up, especially when they're hanging out with their friends. There's no sense in freaking out or acting like it's the end of the world. At the end of the day, it's about trusting your kid and having faith that they won't cross the line.
You hit the nail on the head. Honesty and mutual trust are rule number one. A non-smoking parent has every right to expect their child to follow suit. Realistically, what are the odds a kid won't try a cigarette? Zero. Even when I was living in the illusion that my child wouldn't touch a cigarette in their worst nightmare, I knew deep down they eventually would. Small people discover the lives of adults. To form a genuine opinion that smoking is disgusting, they have to try it. Parents must keep this in mind without any self-deception. Kids find their own way to experience things. It is the same with alcohol, though the social acceptance differs. When I was young, I wanted to try beer and whiskey, and my parents let me take a sip. Naturally, I didn't like it, and I don't drink today. If I were to drink, it certainly wouldn't be because I tasted whiskey from my dad's glass at a birthday party. If my daughter asked to try a cigarette, I would likely let her, especially given my past experiences, regardless of how that sounds to non-smokers. In fact, it would likely deter her from smoking entirely. I am becoming more convinced of this. They tried it on their own terms, so they will smoke on their own terms. That is simply how it is. Seventh or eighth grade is the prime time for influence. If you want to steer a child away from vices, you should aim to make those things unappealing to them. Talk openly.
Andrew Sanders64 said:Please. When she lights up a cigarette, she looks like a total amateur... 😁 😁 😁
That’s a tougher situation. I don't actually link it to maturity; if anything, it's the opposite. She looks incredibly immature, and lighting a cigarette just makes her look even more foolish, though she obviously doesn't see it that way. I decided to completely ignore the whole thing back in the fall, and my life has been much more peaceful since then. She tells me, "Mom, why do you care if I smoke? It's not like it affects anyone else. Just relax." Over Easter, we drove out to my mother's place in a small town for a few days. She puts on this front like she couldn't care less what people think, but I know she's actually embarrassed to smoke in front of Grandma because she’s always been the golden child. I also know she won't be able to go half a day without lighting one. One night, I went out to the car behind the house in the rain to grab something, and she immediately followed me out to light up. I realized what was happening and decided to play along, staying out there with her for a couple of minutes to shield her from Grandma's view—mostly for my own peace of mind. The problem is, my mother has radar; she saw and heard everything. As soon as we walked through the door, she asked, "Are you smoking, or did I imagine that?" My daughter replied, "No, Grandma, no. I just have one every once in a while when I'm bored." "Alright, alright... just be careful. Don't let it become a habit; it's not good. You see how your mother can't seem to stop," Grandma told her. Then she gave me this judgmental look. I haven't touched a cigarette since before I finished college! The double standards are infuriating. But what could I possibly say? That her favorite grandchild smokes twice as much as I ever did? I keep my mouth shut. There is no point in reopening the argument.
Andrew Sanders64 said:Just enjoy it while it lasts. With everything available today, it's a puberty most would envy...
I still hope this phase passes quickly. She is certainly enjoying herself. She acts like she runs her own universe, which is actually a healthy foundation for growing up. She is Self-aware and mature for her age, especially compared to some of the high school girls she hangs out with.
It’s not that she won't quit; maybe I was being a bit harsh, but she has really spiraled since starting high school this year. She used to just have a couple of cigarettes a day, but now she’s been smoking steadily for about a year. I can't give you an exact dollar amount because, honestly, the cost isn't my main concern. If she's going through half a pack of slim cigarettes daily, you could probably estimate it at a few bucks a day—but regardless of what cigarettes cost in your area, health is much more expensive. I’m not much of a smoker myself. I go days without lighting up, and I’ve tried quitting a hundred times. But truthfully, it seems to start at home here. My husband smokes even more than I do. As for everything else, I don't have many complaints about her teenage years, except that she stares at her phone way too much, though I suppose that’s just a generational thing. Her schoolwork is fine; I really have nothing to complain about there.
Trust me on this one—don't doubt it for a second. You better brace yourself. I was talking about puberty today with a colleague whose daughter is an eighth grader. She told me her class just got back from a two-day field trip. According to her, half the kids in that class smoke; these girls are out there puffing away right in front of their teachers like it's nothing. Looking at the photos from the trip, it’s all "mommy and daddy's little angels," and they aren't even trying to hide it. The teacher called a parent meeting after the fact, and the consensus is that this behavior has become an epidemic among this generation. Apparently, they were otherwise well-behaved—no drinking or illegal drugs—but cigarettes were everywhere. The woman was absolutely shell-shocked. I just sat there listening in silence. I have a poser of a daughter at home who practically lives on cigarettes, so I'm hardly the shoulder to cry on regarding this topic. I chose to stay quiet, though. I didn't feel the need to justify myself to her.
Elizabeth Morales49 said:Just let him go. My wife and I used to party and hang out with our own crews all the time when we were younger—we weren't exactly inseparable back then anyway.😁
He’s already in high school. Six years of middle school followed by five years of high school, kind of like that structured system they have over in the UK...😉
But if I'm being fair, COVID really messed things up. They kept everyone stuck in those ridiculous little bubbles at school, so you couldn't even socialize with kids from other classes, just your own group. Of course, once school lets out and everyone piles onto the same buses to head home, there aren't any problems socializing then...
School, homework, whatever else life throws at you... it's all part of the deal, I guess. Just the way it goes.🤣
It is a completely different era. You cannot compare it to how we grew up. They focus inward on themselves and their small circle of friends. My daughter was always a homebody. We never restricted her, nor did we push her to act according to our specific standards. By the time I was fourteen, I was constantly out. I went to movies, knew every bus route in the city, and started hitting concerts with my older sister. However, unlike my daughter at that age, I didn't smoke or wear makeup—not even a little. And I certainly wasn't wasting my time staring at social media or a cell phone while stuck inside four walls. I am not claiming my upbringing was better than hers, even if it feels that way from a parent's perspective now. Every generation has its own path, and I respect that. We just shouldn't take things to extremes. Let them find themselves under our quiet supervision. That is the best approach.
This shift happens within a two-month window. You just give them a little nudge, and suddenly they're different kids altogether. There's no preventing it and no way to rush it. Everything unfolds in its own time, so just relax.
David Palmer5 said:I’m not quite sure what other kind of nonsense you're referring to, but you know as well as I do that one thing doesn't necessarily lead to the other. In fact, if the Church views the whole situation as, "Aha, I did exactly what I wanted, my parents didn't even make a huge scene, and there's nothing they can do about it anyway," then she might see it as a green light to go out and try those "other things" too. 🤷
As a parent who allowed smoking once it became an undeniable reality—since there was no turning back from the truth—I have to say it wasn't a case of "my parents can't touch me." At least, I didn't experience it as a rebellious assertion of will. I simply refused to make it a matter of life and death, and she was clearly tired of hiding. When I first saw her with a cigarette, it was obvious this wasn't a new habit; she had been doing this for a while, likely due to my own oversight and parental negligence. Should I attempt late-stage bans or threats? We all know that doesn't work. Instead, we turn a new leaf. If you smoke, you smoke. I treat her like an adult, we talk more often, we open up new topics, and we build a new level of trust. In return, I expect her to act maturely and reciprocate that trust. Believe me, it works. It improves school performance and home relationships above all else.
...I honestly believe that just because a child reacts negatively to cigarette smoke doesn't guarantee they won't end up smoking later. My own experience tells me otherwise. You can have all the conversations and education you want, and you can try to manage their environment, but ultimately, it comes down to a specific moment of realization during their development. Leading by example is the most effective prevention tool we have. If you haven't modeled healthy habits regarding smoking, the chances are much higher that they will follow your lead. Even if they do start, it isn't necessarily the end of the world; it could just be a passing phase. People often start and then quit. In my view, almost everyone goes through a period of experimentation during their teens—whether it's at 14 or 18. That’s just part of growing up.
Arthur Reyes said:Question for the parents who smoke:
How did your kids react back when they were around 8 to 10 years old to people smoking around them? Did it actually bother them? Like, if you’d grab a quick bite at a diner or head over to a friend's place where people were lighting up, did they even notice or care?
(And please, spare me the lectures about not taking kids to those kinds of places—thanks in advance.)
My daughter started complaining at that exact age. She’d lecture us about how the smoke bothered her and how we were poisoning her and ourselves, even though we never smoked indoors around her and always avoided smoky environments. Eventually, everything falls into place. She started smoking in eighth grade. We had no idea she was doing it behind our backs, and suddenly, the smoke didn't bother her anymore. That’s actually how we caught her. Shortly after that, she started lighting up right in front of me. It was clear she was a smoker now, and there was no point in pretending I didn't know, though she still wouldn't do it while I was right there. Now, the roles are reversed; I could easily lecture her about the smoke because I'm currently trying to quit myself.
A quick update on the teenage phase. My daughter decided against getting any piercings after thinking it through; she realized it didn't really serve a purpose. She also floated the idea of dyeing her hair, but I shut that down too. Right now, she’s in a relatively calm stage. You wouldn't even call this the peak of puberty. We made a pact to go tobacco-free for the New Year. I am still working hard to stay away from cigarettes myself. My daughter managed eight days before slipping up. She tried vaping first, which seemed to work for a while, but then I started seeing her light up a cigarette occasionally. Eventually, she went back to smoking after a few weeks of back-and-forth. I told her it was fine—if that's the price for peace in our house, as long as she doesn't overdo it.
Larry Gonzalez83 said:I guess it really just comes down to how you see things. I got used to the cigarettes, but with tattoos... I'm hoping I never have to get used to those. Every generation faces different hurdles. Things that were totally normal once become taboo, and then it flips again. Back when I was growing up, nobody had tattoos... The whole debate started about what's actually okay for a teenager to do these days... Kids experiment with smoking and many end up quitting. But once you get a tattoo, it's there for good.
If you want an honest answer, I would align the limits for all those questionable activities with the age of majority. We allow them to vote at 18 because we treat them as adults, even though we know they aren't truly mature yet. Personal decisions that primarily affect the individual should follow that same logic. I let my child smoke at 15 under a "live and let live" policy, though I might reconsider that now. Ideally, the minimum should be 18, but since it isn't illegal in America, I won't play police officer or act overly strict.
Larry Gonzalez83 said:It’s actually kind of comforting to see from the comments that most people who started early ended up quitting later on. For a huge chunk of people, it’s just a phase of growing up... I have a coworker who didn't even pick up a cigarette until she was thirty-seven, and honestly, I've never seen anyone smoke more in my entire life...
Those cases are rare, but they happen. My godmother started smoking in her early forties right after her divorce. Within a year, she was going through a pack a day. She had never touched a cigarette before that. At the same time, she lost 15 pounds and got into fitness. She looks incredible, which I attribute to the divorce rather than the smoking. Let's be honest: kids are healthier, so they tend to handle the damage better, but starting while your body is still developing is definitely more harmful. Eventually, most people grow tired of the habit. I see it with my own daughter. If she doesn't touch a cigarette for two days, I know exactly what happened the day before.
Peter Rogers said:Since high school, I’ve always felt like hair and nails should be totally up to them. If they wanted to get some piercings at sixteen, I’d say go for it, as long as they hit up a legit, professional studio. Once they turn eighteen, tattoos are really their call, though I still wish they’d actually give it some serious thought instead of just acting on impulse. As for smoking? Yeah, I am never giving my blessing to that. Look, I was a smoker myself back in the day—started at twelve and didn't quit until twenty-four—and it wasn't like I suffered any kind of trauma just because my family didn't approve. We don't have to agree on every single little thing, right?
For now, everything seems pretty chill, but who knows? You can never tell when some random teenage brain decides to throw a massive party and go completely off the rails.
I am not in favor of repression, obviously. However, what was acceptable in my day remains tolerable today, whereas I find modern trends harder to accept. I grumbled a bit about the smoking part; I wouldn't call it a blessing, but there is a certain unspoken approval on my part. I don't make an issue of standard makeup or nail polish either. It all feels normal for those years. At 15, we all wanted to look older and more mature than we actually were. And it continues until 25, when suddenly we want to be younger again. We certainly shouldn't expect children to be our clones. Times change, and neither do we. I remember making mistakes with my makeup and clothing back in high school, and my parents didn't restrict me too much.
mellowskipper said:Even my twelve-year-old has been obsessing over getting tattoos and piercings lately. My stance—which I try to maintain—is that she can do whatever she wants, provided she actually lands a job and pays for it herself. Maybe once she hits that stage of life, the whole fascination will just... fade away.
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Tattoos aren't even a big thing here yet, though a friend of my daughter's—who's two years older—actually went to get tattooed with her mom. They both got identical butterfly tattoos in the exact same spot on their legs. It was bizarre. I'm just waiting for my turn to deal with this. Honestly, I'm just relieved she isn't covered in ink and piercings yet. 🙂
restlessbear10 said:Just like Erin mentioned, when my mom finally accepted that I was smoking at sixteen, I took it as her way of validating that I was actually becoming a mature, grown-up person—which is exactly how I felt at the time.
The initial reaction from the family was pretty intense—lots of bans, lectures, and all that stuff. Honestly, I took it really hard emotionally. But, I didn't stop smoking. About eight months after she caught me, she called me over one morning to just sit, have coffee, and smoke a cigarette with her. I hesitated for a second, but it felt like the logical next step. It didn't feel like I was being disrespectful by sharing that moment with her. That’s when we really unlocked a whole new level of friendship. Fast forward to today: I'm an adult, and my mom and I have a wonderful relationship. I actually quit smoking spontaneously when I turned 22—I got into a really cool sport and just wanted to be at my absolute best. My godmother, on the other hand, won't smoke in front of her family. Even now, she has to sneak away to the backyard, the balcony, or even the bathroom... even at all those big parties where everyone else is smoking—it just seems so unnecessary! Anyway... try to be friends with your kids. They're slowly turning into their own people. A cigarette isn't exactly a joke, but it's definitely not the end of the world either.
To be honest, I don't view my daughter as a mature adult yet. Even seeing her smoke at fifteen feels like immaturity, which is honestly what you expect at those ages. She certainly thinks she’s grown, and smoking is clearly one way she tries to prove it. Kids push boundaries, and it’s on parents to hold them where they can. The other day she suggested getting her nose pierced. I had to put my foot down there. Maybe my perception is skewed, but to me, that feels vulgar regardless of age. People might say I'm buying her cigarettes but making a scene over a piercing, but to me, the piercing just seems more tasteless.
rustyowl7 said:I completely agree. My husband started picking up the habit when he was just 13 years old. By 14, right after finishing middle school, he was already smoking out front and he simply never stopped. Now, at 40, he’s going through a pack a day, sometimes even more. No matter how much I plead with him, he won't quit... My daughter is currently in 7th grade, and she is quite allergic to secondhand smoke. My husband never smokes inside, nor does anyone else near her, but I am constantly stressing the importance of this to her. I truly hope she never starts. Since I don't smoke myself, I can only hope she follows my lead... I really hope so...
I am hoping things stay that way. Is she literally allergic, or does she just hate smoking? If it's the latter, I have to tell you we dealt with something similar when she was that age, and then everything flipped overnight. Or at least, it felt like it happened overnight to me. I’ve mentioned this before. You need to be cautious, especially since there is another smoker in the house. This is the age where almost everyone experiments or tries it at least once, though luckily most don't end up liking it. It wouldn't hurt to increase supervision so you don't end up in my situation. I realized too late when things had already gone too far. When I finally sat her down to talk about everything, she admitted she had been smoking for days. She told me she hated the smell and the taste, and that it made her dizzy and nauseous. If I had caught her during that phase, it might have made sense to try and talk her out of it. Since I clearly didn't react in time, now I can only wait for her to figure it out herself. She is in high school now, so the circumstances are different than they were back in 7th grade.
Terry Martinez10 said:Most smokers have already had their first cigarette by eighteen, or they've already established a dependency by then. Compared to adults, younger people tend to smoke fewer cigarettes, yet they often develop a nicotine addiction much faster. So, smoking during puberty isn't something we should just brush off as trivial; it is a serious issue with real consequences.
No one is trivializing this. I am simply relaying the perspective of a female youth psychologist who views this as a medical issue rather than just a psychological one. Most kids start before they turn 18, and they develop an addiction quickly, regardless of how few cigarettes they smoke per day. According to some studies, there isn't much difference in health risks between someone smoking five cigarettes a day versus twenty. My only fear is that if I said this to my daughter, she would misinterpret me—she’d likely end up smoking twenty just to prove a point. 🙂