Posts by darkmason17

burnedout said:I couldn't find an existing thread for this, so I figured I'd just start one.

So, I'm curious: does being physically attractive—regardless of gender—actually make it easier to land a job or hit your career goals?

Are you talking about people who are naturally pretty, or those who put effort into being attractive?😬
There’s definitely some truth to the idea that attractiveness carries weight.👍

It really all comes down to the specific industry.
In a field like accounting or data analysis, being "pretty" won't get you far, but for roles that are client-facing, it might provide a slight edge. That said, actual skill usually outweighs looks in the long run.👍
I have an acquaintance who is a total natural beauty and finished her degree,😉 but she's been struggling to find steady work for three years now.😲...In my opinion, relying solely on looks definitely didn't help her career prospects.

Smart employers will always prioritize competence over aesthetics.😁

Nicole James said:First off... try not to let gender stereotypes get in your head. Men, just like women, are all incredibly different from one another...

Once you realize that trying to fit everyone into a specific box is a losing battle, you can actually start seeing real results.

Thanks, I think I’ll take your advice to heart.
I truly believe that every individual is unique. I don't see any harm in giving someone another chance at a conversation; if it doesn't work out, then I'll know for sure it's time to move on.👍

I haven't seen any posts from you yet! If you're looking to join the conversation, feel free to jump in whenever you're ready. I'm always happy to dive into a deep discussion or hear someone's perspective on things. Looking forward to seeing what you have to say. kaže:
It’s true that you're still quite young, but I can see you're really motivated to start living with more intention and maturity right now.
Self-respect is everything, but more importantly, you have to actually have a sense of what you want out of life. If you don't know your own boundaries, you're leaving the door wide open. At the end of the day, someone can only manipulate you to the extent that you allow them to. It really comes down to how much control you're willing to hand over.
I was talking to a really wise woman the other day, and I asked her how things were going in her marriage. She just looked at me and said, "Well, we get exactly what we make of it." It’s one of those simple, heavy truths that stays with you.😘
It’s definitely worth keeping in mind that men tend to process things and react quite differently than women do. You know that old saying about how men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Honestly, I think we should all probably keep that in mind.
I’ve always believed that the work you put into yourself is the most important investment you can make. It isn't just about self-improvement for its own sake; it’s about the ripple effect it has on your relationships. When you focus on building your own character, healing your own wounds, and finding your footing in the world, one of two things happens: either you become a higher-quality partner who can actually sustain a healthy connection, or you start vibrating at a different frequency that naturally attracts someone of that same caliber. It’s like tuning an instrument—you can't expect to play a beautiful duet if you haven't spent the time getting your own strings in sync.
Wishing you the very best of luck.

Men seem to process things differently sometimes... I’ve been wondering how I can actually demonstrate that I’m being serious about a relationship and that I’m not interested in playing games or using any kind of manipulation. 🙄 How exactly would that work?

darkmason17 said:Take a look at those threads about building self-confidence... and really lean into the perks of being single. Once you find that sweet spot where you're genuinely happy on your own, you can start looking for a partner from a much healthier place. You won't be choosing someone just because you're desperate for company; you'll be choosing them because they actually add value to an already wonderful life.

That’s the plan. That is exactly how I intend to handle this. 😘

darkmason17 said:She’s pouring everything she has into trying to understand him, but it’s just as vital—maybe even more important for her own sake—to recognize her own underlying need and how much she actually relies on this connection.

That’s exactly it. I can’t seem to wrap my head around why I’m so dependent on this relationship... there's something holding me back. Maybe it's the fact that he treats everyone else so well, and it's just not like that when it's just the two of us.

Does anyone have any real, practical advice on how I can help myself and finally move on from all of this?🙂

darkmason17 said:But maybe you should also look inward at your own tendency to settle for just any connection simply to avoid being alone. ... It might be worth sitting down and really thinking it through; relationships are wonderful when they are high-quality. But if they aren't—you have to be able to say no, quite firmly and face the reality that you'll be single for a while—which sometimes isn't actually such a bad thing...

I’m fully aware of all of that.
But you know that feeling when you're flying solo? Sometimes it just hits you... that I wish I had someone casual around just to make the time pass a bit more interestingly. Lately, everything feels a little muddled for me. Between actual relationships, my own desires, and the opportunities out there... I'm finding it hard to keep them all straight.👎

darkmason17 said:That’s spot on. Especially if you feel like you need to have that conversation one more time. The most important thing is to be just as honest with them as you are being here with us.
And as for stopping them from stalling you with those empty promises about how they'll change "someday"—it's actually pretty simple. If they think they actually can, then they should start right now
.

I find myself realizing more and more every single day... I can't force someone to want to be with me.
That just isn't how it works.

unknown said:I guess I'm wondering if your decision to end things is actually just a way to push him toward making a choice that benefits himself instead?

It was my call.
To be honest, I think it’s less about wanting to leave the relationship and more about this deep-seated fear of being rejected.
It feels safer to walk away first than to sit there waiting to be let go.
I feel like I've gotten myself tangled up in something complicated, and if I'm being completely sincere, I don't even fully understand what it is yet.
😢

placidstag8 said:Just take a second to think about what would actually happen if you two were officially together. How much do you really know about him after three years if you aren't having deep, serious conversations?
It’s entirely possible you’re just waiting around for someone who isn't actually a good match for you. You might be so caught up in the idea of him that you can't see his true character or how incompatible you'd be in a real relationship. You could end up entering a relationship only for it to fall apart in a month.

He’s actually afraid of everything you just described.
He's scared things won't work out. In my experience, I was the one willing to dive in—even if it only lasted a month—just to prove to myself whether there was anything real there. If it wasn't, I would have just moved on. I know myself well enough to say that. I told him something similar, too. Right now, he knows he has an upper hand because he's essentially keeping me on a leash, which is why he only reaches out sparingly.
It isn't even love at this point; it's more like my own stubbornness in trying to win over someone who doesn't want me. It's an ego thing, honestly, and it's something I need to work on.
I realize the ball is entirely in my court. I've made the decision to walk away for good.😈
The hardest part is just hating how much I feel the need to justify my choices to everyone else.

Bryan Brown58 said:It’s always so much easier to start a relationship than it is to end one..
No matter what advice you get, the hardest part still falls squarely on your shoulders: actually doing it. From what I can gather, he’s been leaning heavily into that "pity me" complex, and the only way through this is to stay firm and present your reasoning as clearly and logically as possible. You have to convince him that your decision is both right and necessary. However, there is a chance that despite your best efforts, he might try to play the sympathy card. If that happens, take it as a sign that you need to cut ties completely—there shouldn't be any room for a "just friends" arrangement if he won't respect your boundaries.
Be careful to distinguish between genuine sadness and him manipulating you through guilt. The line is thin and can be hard to spot sometimes. Just trust your gut and your own experience.
Good luck.

One more thing..
Looking back, I wasn't entirely honest with him about how I really felt. I kept dropping hints and watching his reactions, using those as a gauge to decide if he actually cared. I was hesitant to lay all my cards on the table.
Is it possible he’s doing the exact same thing?
Just keeping everything bottled up inside?
Or is that something a person just can't sustain for very long? I'm living proof that you can...

placidstag8 said:my take on this:

The idea of being "not ready for a relationship" doesn't really exist. It’s just a matter of whether someone is actually interested enough or in love enough.
It works the same way for men; once the right person comes along, even the most "unready" guy suddenly becomes ready to commit. That’s when you see those situations where they walk away from the person who waited patiently for them to start something new... and everyone is left wondering how he wasn't ready for three years, but now he's all in with someone else.
From my perspective, it seems like this guy simply isn't in love, or maybe he isn't feeling it at all. He just likes having someone around who adores him and is always there to catch him whenever he falls.
He won't let you go because he's being selfish, and he hasn't found something more exciting yet. People like that can keep you hanging on for much longer than three years, right up until the day they meet someone who truly knocks their socks off.
It has nothing to do with his friends. He has plenty of options out there, and you're just his safest bet.

That’s why you need to make a clean break. As soon as he starts making excuses, just ignore him. Stop giving him second chances. If he only acts like he cares once you pull away, he'll just end up repeating the same cycle—treating you great for a little while before sliding right back into the exact same pattern you've been stuck in for three years.

Your perspective is very similar to mine.🙏
The only difference is that I used to let people walk all over me because I believed everyone was an exception to the rule. But honestly, certain patterns of attraction and rejection are universal. They apply to everyone, everywhere.
I try to put myself in his shoes, but I struggle to wrap my head around it. If you truly like someone and you're in love, what could possibly hold you back from being with them, other than the fact that you aren't actually that interested?

normall said:It might be best if you just take your boyfriend to a notary public and have him sign a legal contract stating he’s marrying you in five years instead of someone else—then he can do whatever he wants after that.😲

Life doesn't really work that way, though. At some point, you're going to have to make the decision about your own future on your own. 😎

Something tells me I should try to sit him down for one last real conversation. I just want to be able to live with myself knowing I tried.
In all honesty, we haven't even had a truly serious, deep discussion in three years.

Bryan Brown58 said:Some people just don't change. Usually, those who actually evolve do so because they've been hit by something hard—something that forces them to stop and reflect on why things went wrong or why they lost what they had.
I don't know enough about your specific situation to say for sure, but looking at the big picture, I honestly don't think you two could ever truly be happy together again. Even if you tried, you’d inevitably end up saying something like, "How long did it take you to finally realize this?" and that would just eat away at him. In short...
When you make a clean break, you have to commit to it... at least sometimes. There were certain girls I dated where we managed to stay on good terms. With others, we didn't. And with some, it was a total, permanent cutoff.
In your case, I really feel like it needs to be a clean break.

Is he worth having one final conversation with, just to close the door for good? 🙄

Richard Lee9 said:You can find people who are 18, 20, 25... whatever your heart desires. Honestly, you just need to work on your self-esteem a bit so you aren't letting every random person drag you into a three-year cycle of "maybe" and "we'll see."

Everything felt perfect at the very beginning.
I wasn't expecting much, which is why I enjoyed how things were going.
But now I realize I've become too emotionally invested. If I don't figure out how to move past this, I won't be able to find any peace.
I've made my decision, and I'm ready to face it.
Does anyone have advice on how to actually go through with this?
I want us to part ways with dignity, without him trying to guilt-trip me or promising he'll change just to keep me around.

Taylor Swift said:Wait, what’s the actual dynamic here? Are you guys talking every single day or not? How often does that happen?
How frequently do you actually hang out in person? Is this one of those situations where there's an unspoken connection that just hasn't been labeled "official" yet, or are you more in that "we're just seeing each other occasionally" phase?

It varies.
There are seasons where we see each other every single day, and then there are stretches where we don't see each other for weeks at a time, only to go back to being super intense again. It’s essentially a "friends with benefits" type of situation.

Taylor Swift said:Three years?😲 I just realized that!
For me, it’s been feeling like a stalemate for months now. It’s either you’re in or you’re out. Sure, we can play the "friends with benefits" game for a while, but in my experience, that almost never evolves into a real relationship later on...
Isn't a few months enough time to figure out what someone actually wants?

It all started when I was 18.
It was very casual back then.
We never even talked about commitment; we were way too young for that stuff.Is three years really not enough time?
Just to decide if you actually want someone or not?
I’ve developed certain standards by now, and I really need to get this sorted out.

I’m not quite sure I follow what you mean by that. Could you clarify? kaže:
The only way that’s actually possible is if... He really does get it. I’m interested.And then they just play dumb.
I’m sorry, but honestly, very few guys are actually ready to settle down and get married at twenty. It’s just not common. I have to wonder, though—what is the rush on your end? If you want this to work, you really need to take things one step at a time, just like the advice you were given. You have to find someone who is actually on the same page as you, provided there's even someone out there ready for that kind of commitment. If you truly feel like you've matured enough to make such a massive life decision, but he isn't there yet, you're essentially left with only two choices:
You just have to be patient and wait for him to come around to that idea on his own. There’s really no harm in waiting; you aren't going to miss your window by giving it some time.
You might want to start looking for someone who’s actually ready to settle down and get married. If I were you, I’d try focusing your efforts on people in their late twenties or early thirties. Just a heads-up, though—even in that age bracket, there are absolutely no guarantees. It’s a bit of a gamble regardless of where you look.

What a marriage. 🙂 😲
I’m honestly just looking for some kind of framework—a way to define what this relationship actually looks like between us.
I don’t want to wake up five years from now facing that classic "you’re amazing and I value you so much, but..." conversation—only for them to walk away toward someone else while I’m left standing there thinking I was just waiting around for nothing.
I’m in no rush at all. Honestly, quite the opposite. I just want to be absolutely certain that he’s actually the one worth waiting for.

p5ych0p4N said:What do you mean there aren't reasons to end things? You want what he isn't willing to give.
Here is my take on this, from a guy's perspective:
The guy is insecure. He doesn't actually know what he wants. He spends his time out with his crew, messing around, meeting new people, hitting the bars... while you’re always the one standing by when things get heavy, or when he lacks the drive or energy to go out and be social. You’ve become his safety net—the reliable constant in his life that he clearly intends to keep around (for himself). It’s obvious you care about him, but you have to start caring about yourself, too.
If you ever decide to step out of what looks to me like a subservient role, believe me, he’s going to regret it. And honestly, he should.
You deserve a life filled with people who actually want to be by your side in every sense of the word.

You make a really good point.
From a man's point of view, do you think there is any chance that this "safety net" role could eventually shift into being a priority, or someone he actually wants to be in a committed relationship with?
When I make a clean break, I mean it. My fear is that he just doesn't realize how serious I am.👎

Mad Scientist said:First off, you're still young, and secondly, he’s living solo... in my opinion, it’s hard to take a relationship seriously until you’ve actually experienced what it’s like to share a life with someone.
Maybe he feels like he doesn't want to commit until he's more established... maybe.
Plus, all his friends are single, which clearly plays a big role in his lifestyle right now. Once that group starts getting into serious relationships, the dynamic will probably shift, and he might lose that social safety net he relies on.

Maybe.
I get where that's coming from, but if that's really the case, he isn't telling me.
If he would just be upfront about it, I could weigh my options and decide how to move forward immediately.
Instead, I feel like I'm constantly hovering over him, pressing for any kind of clarity regarding us.
Is he just playing dumb, or is it actually possible that he has no clue what I'm looking for?

p5ych0p4N said:I once had this casual thing going with a girl that lasted about three months. She was constantly out partying and seeing other people, but whenever she couldn't make plans, she’d head straight to my place because she knew I was totally hooked on her. And man, she never stopped talking about her exes. You really learn to expect the unexpected. 😈
Anyway, I eventually decided to give her a little taste of her own medicine. I went out, met someone else, and had a great time. When I finally told her about it, all hell broke loose. Luckily, she happened to be traveling out of the country for a week right then, so I got some breathing room. But when she got back, she suddenly decided she was ready to settle down and commit—and apparently, that person was supposed to be me. We spent the three days leading up to New Year's together. Since we both had prior commitments, we celebrated separately; I stayed home with my buddies while she went to some local pub. Around 3:00 AM, I decided to head over to meet her since she wasn't answering any of my calls or checking in. I left the guys hanging at home, made the trek over there, and what do I find? She was already there with some other guy. I just said, "Take care," and walked away. :2up:
Yeah, she felt bad about it, and honestly, I felt a bit of it too. But why should I be a slave to someone else's whims?

This is awful 😱
I honestly don't know what to say.

I've made up my mind that I can't live like this anymore.
We've been "together" for almost three years now.
My only fear is making a huge mistake by leaving him and regretting it later.
I'm searching for solid reasons to break up with him, but I can't find any because they just aren't there. He's a genuinely good person. The only issue is his indecisiveness, or whatever you want to call it.