Looking for a connection

I’m dealing with an issue (again, 🙂)

I’ve been stuck in this casual, non-committal situation for years now.
Basically, he isn't ready to commit to a serious relationship. He claims he needs more time to "experience life" before settling down.
But knowing him as well as I do, I honestly don't think that's ever going to happen.
It’s not even that he doesn't want to; it’s just not in his nature.
I get the feeling he’s heavily influenced by his social circle. His entire group of friends is single and avoids commitment. It’s left him really confused, which he actually admitted to me. I know I’m good for him—he tells me I’m everything he wants, but then says he couldn't bear to let me go while simultaneously refusing to be in a committed relationship with me.
We connected quite early on, back when we were only 18.
He’s still in that phase of figuring out who he is, I guess. I really want to help him through it...
But truthfully, I’m reaching my breaking point. This constant indecision is starting to wear me down. In the beginning, I actually felt like he was trying to push me away. I tried to end things once, but he completely fell apart. I could see how much he truly cared, though. I can’t quite put my finger on why some guys act this way—it’s almost like they thrive on the chaos of being emotionally torn. I know he had a past relationship that absolutely crushed him, and he’s dealt with other personal struggles too. He’s incredibly sensitive and seems to live in a world entirely of his own making. At his core, he’s a genuinely wonderful person. I think he wants to change, too, but he just doesn't know how to start.
What should I do? How do I move forward from here?

Please, I need some advice.

Look, you really ought to be starting threads like this somewhere else instead of cluttering up the psychology board... maybe over at the IRS forums or some random poultry enthusiast group...

darkmason17 said:Look, you really shouldn't be bringing these kinds of topics into a psychology thread. You should probably take this over to the IRS forums or maybe a general vent thread instead.

Honestly, please don't.🙂
I tried starting a similar discussion on Reddit once. It didn't go nearly as well as I'd hoped.

I find it much more comfortable to talk things through here—I suppose there’s a sense that, regardless of how trivial or frankly ridiculous my problems might seem, they’ll actually be given some level of respect rather than being met with immediate, blunt derision...

Why is it that you girls always manage to take casual flings and turn them into full-blown, heavy commitments? 😎

Seriously, just let the guy breathe—let him go through his little "finding himself" phase—and maybe you should actually go out and live your own life for a bit, too. That way, he might finally get a taste of what it’s like to be 🙂

normall said:You girls always mistake casual situationships for something serious 😎

Just let him be for a while so he can figure himself out. You should probably take some time for yourself too, just so he can see what it feels like to experience 🙂

It’s not that we think they're mandatory; it's more that we feel like these casual setups often end up being a total waste of energy.
We just don't want to spend all that time hoping for something more, only to realize we were essentially chasing a ghost.

The thing is, he's actually holding me back from really living my life. Does that make sense? 🙂

tinna said:It just bothers me—you know?—to feel like I can't just go out and live my life. You get what I mean? 🙂

Oh, I get it—believe me, I get it perfectly well 😁

So, why don't you just take a long, hard look at what you actually wrote to me and then go ahead and act on your own little whims. Be my guest. 😉

normall said:I completely understand where you're coming from, 😁

Take a moment to really sit with what you wrote to me, and then just go with your gut on this one. 😉

I see.😬
Are you honestly certain that anything about him is actually going to change just because I decide to step up? 😍

Maybe... there’s only one way to find out...

tinna said:I've got a problem (again, 🙂 )

What am I supposed to do? Where do I go from here?

Please, help me out.

Look, if you're looking to dive into psychology, my honest advice is just to go find a professional... honestly, that’s pretty much what everyone on these forums ends up saying anyway... 😁

I have just two questions and observations here:
1. How old are you two, and does he actually work? Does he live alone?
If he’s out of the workforce or still in school, I assume his social circle consists of people who, much like him, aren't tied down by serious commitments.
2. If everyone in his group is single, then he’s perfectly fine where he is. Just wait until his friends start getting serious or even getting married... that might change his perspective. Our immediate social environment serves as a powerful benchmark for how we live our lives.

I once had this casual thing going with a girl for about three months. She loved playing the field, always out on the town, but whenever she couldn't make plans, she’d just swing by my place because she knew I was hooked. She spent half our time together obsessing over her skincare routine and those high-end razors she used. You learn things, I guess. 😈
Anyway, I decided it was time to give her a little taste of her own medicine. I went out, met someone else, and had a great time. When I finally told her? Total meltdown. Absolute chaos. Luckily, she flew out of the country for a week right after, giving me some breathing room. But when she got back, she suddenly decided she was "finally ready" to settle down and be serious—and apparently, I was the lucky winner. We ended up hanging out for three days leading up to New Year's Eve. Since we both had prior commitments, we celebrated separately; I stayed home with my buddies, while she hit up some local pub. Around 3:00 AM, I decided to head over to see her since she wasn't picking up my calls or checking in. I left the guys to their party, made the trek over there, and what do I find? Her with some other guy. I just said, "Take care," and walked away. :2up:
Sure, she felt bad, and honestly, I felt a bit of it too. But why live your life as a slave to someone else's whims?

Mad Scientist said:I just have two quick thoughts/questions here:
1. How old are you and he? Also, does he work, or does he live on his own?
If he isn't working or is still in school, I’d assume his social circle consists mostly of people who, much like him, aren't really tied down yet.
2. If everyone in his group is single, then he’s probably fine with that for now... but just wait until his friends start getting serious or even getting married. That might start influencing him. Our immediate social environment acts as such a strong frame of reference for how we act.

We are both 20.
He doesn't live alone.

And yeah, everyone in his friend group is single.

p5ych0p4N said:I once had this casual thing going with a girl that lasted about three months. She was constantly out partying and seeing other people, but whenever she couldn't make plans, she’d head straight to my place because she knew I was totally hooked on her. And man, she never stopped talking about her exes. You really learn to expect the unexpected. 😈
Anyway, I eventually decided to give her a little taste of her own medicine. I went out, met someone else, and had a great time. When I finally told her about it, all hell broke loose. Luckily, she happened to be traveling out of the country for a week right then, so I got some breathing room. But when she got back, she suddenly decided she was ready to settle down and commit—and apparently, that person was supposed to be me. We spent the three days leading up to New Year's together. Since we both had prior commitments, we celebrated separately; I stayed home with my buddies while she went to some local pub. Around 3:00 AM, I decided to head over to meet her since she wasn't answering any of my calls or checking in. I left the guys hanging at home, made the trek over there, and what do I find? She was already there with some other guy. I just said, "Take care," and walked away. :2up:
Yeah, she felt bad about it, and honestly, I felt a bit of it too. But why should I be a slave to someone else's whims?

This is awful 😱
I honestly don't know what to say.

I've made up my mind that I can't live like this anymore.
We've been "together" for almost three years now.
My only fear is making a huge mistake by leaving him and regretting it later.
I'm searching for solid reasons to break up with him, but I can't find any because they just aren't there. He's a genuinely good person. The only issue is his indecisiveness, or whatever you want to call it.

tinna said:We're both 20
He doesn't live alone.

Yeah, all his friends are single too.

... Honestly, those are all the exact reasons why he probably feels zero pressure to settle down.
First off, you're young. Second, he isn't living on his own. In my view, it's hard to call a relationship "serious" until you actually experience what it means to share a life. I don't mean the "old people go on vacation for two days, come over to my place" kind of thing. I mean truly knowing someone through the mundane realities—paying bills together, morning routines, who does the dishes. It sounds trivial, but it isn't.
Maybe he thinks he shouldn't even consider a commitment until he's more financially established... perhaps.
Plus, his entire social circle is single, and clearly, that group is important to him. Once everyone starts getting into serious relationships, the group dynamic usually shifts or falls apart. He’ll lose his primary social anchor.
I'm not sure if he's working, but at most jobs—especially if you're working with a diverse crowd—you eventually find yourself surrounded by married or coupled people. You slowly start to accept that lifestyle as the norm.
(At my office, for instance, at least 80% of us are either in a long-term relationship or married, despite us being a relatively young company...)

tinna said:Terrible 😱
I'm at a loss for words.

I've finally decided I can't live like this anymore.
We've been "together" for almost three years now.
My only fear is making a massive mistake by walking away and regretting it later.
I'm searching for some solid reason to dump him. I can't find any because there aren't any. He's a great guy. The only issue is this indecision—or whatever you want to call it.

What do you mean there are no reasons to leave? You want things he doesn't want. Your core interests just don't align on the most fundamental level. That kind of relationship works if both people are honest about the situation and perfectly fine with how it is.
Here’s my take, from a man's perspective:
The guy is insecure. He's lost. He hangs out with his crew, messes around, meets new people, hits the bars... meanwhile, you're always right there whenever things get heavy, or when he lacks the willpower or energy to go out and play. You're his safety net. You're the constant support system he wants to keep tucked away for himself. It's obvious you care about him, but you need to start caring about yourself.
If you ever decide to stop playing this submissive role—which is what this looks like to me—believe me, he'll regret it. And he should.
You deserve your own life and people who actually want you by their side in every sense of the word.

Mad Scientist said:First off, you're still young, and secondly, he’s living solo... in my opinion, it’s hard to take a relationship seriously until you’ve actually experienced what it’s like to share a life with someone.
Maybe he feels like he doesn't want to commit until he's more established... maybe.
Plus, all his friends are single, which clearly plays a big role in his lifestyle right now. Once that group starts getting into serious relationships, the dynamic will probably shift, and he might lose that social safety net he relies on.

Maybe.
I get where that's coming from, but if that's really the case, he isn't telling me.
If he would just be upfront about it, I could weigh my options and decide how to move forward immediately.
Instead, I feel like I'm constantly hovering over him, pressing for any kind of clarity regarding us.
Is he just playing dumb, or is it actually possible that he has no clue what I'm looking for?

p5ych0p4N said:What do you mean there aren't reasons to end things? You want what he isn't willing to give.
Here is my take on this, from a guy's perspective:
The guy is insecure. He doesn't actually know what he wants. He spends his time out with his crew, messing around, meeting new people, hitting the bars... while you’re always the one standing by when things get heavy, or when he lacks the drive or energy to go out and be social. You’ve become his safety net—the reliable constant in his life that he clearly intends to keep around (for himself). It’s obvious you care about him, but you have to start caring about yourself, too.
If you ever decide to step out of what looks to me like a subservient role, believe me, he’s going to regret it. And honestly, he should.
You deserve a life filled with people who actually want to be by your side in every sense of the word.

You make a really good point.
From a man's point of view, do you think there is any chance that this "safety net" role could eventually shift into being a priority, or someone he actually wants to be in a committed relationship with?
When I make a clean break, I mean it. My fear is that he just doesn't realize how serious I am.👎

tinna said:Maybe.
I get it, but if that’s really the case, he just isn't telling me.
If he would just be straight with me, I could weigh my options and decide how to move forward immediately.
Instead, I find myself constantly snapping at him, trying to force him to say anything meaningful about where we stand.
Is he genuinely playing dumb, or is it possible he actually has no clue what I want from this?

The only real possibility here is that he knows exactly what you want. He's just playing it cool.
Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but very few guys are actually ready to settle down and marry someone when they're only 20. And honestly, why the sudden rush? You need to take things in order—just like the advice you already received... provided there's actually someone willing to go down that path with you. If you truly feel like you've matured enough to make that kind of commitment and he hasn't, you're basically staring down two choices:
1. Wait patiently until he eventually catches up to that mindset (you aren't going to miss some deadline)
2. Start looking for someone who is actually on the same page regarding marriage. Maybe try targeting the 25+ crowd... though even then, there are absolutely no guarantees...

I’m not quite sure I follow what you mean by that. Could you clarify? kaže:
The only way that’s actually possible is if... He really does get it. I’m interested.And then they just play dumb.
I’m sorry, but honestly, very few guys are actually ready to settle down and get married at twenty. It’s just not common. I have to wonder, though—what is the rush on your end? If you want this to work, you really need to take things one step at a time, just like the advice you were given. You have to find someone who is actually on the same page as you, provided there's even someone out there ready for that kind of commitment. If you truly feel like you've matured enough to make such a massive life decision, but he isn't there yet, you're essentially left with only two choices:
You just have to be patient and wait for him to come around to that idea on his own. There’s really no harm in waiting; you aren't going to miss your window by giving it some time.
You might want to start looking for someone who’s actually ready to settle down and get married. If I were you, I’d try focusing your efforts on people in their late twenties or early thirties. Just a heads-up, though—even in that age bracket, there are absolutely no guarantees. It’s a bit of a gamble regardless of where you look.

What a marriage. 🙂 😲
I’m honestly just looking for some kind of framework—a way to define what this relationship actually looks like between us.
I don’t want to wake up five years from now facing that classic "you’re amazing and I value you so much, but..." conversation—only for them to walk away toward someone else while I’m left standing there thinking I was just waiting around for nothing.
I’m in no rush at all. Honestly, quite the opposite. I just want to be absolutely certain that he’s actually the one worth waiting for.