Steve Jobs... I didn't realize back then, but now I get it. Ty and your vision have always been a bit of a struggle, haven't they, if I remember correctly?
The psychologist I saw confirmed my diagnosis after several tests and therapy sessions. To be honest, though... I’ve always been skeptical of psychology. In my view, it isn't a true science, and I don't think it should even be classified as one. It's certainly significant and necessary, but since it lacks exactitude, I wouldn't call it a hard science. However, two different psychiatrists have given me this same diagnosis, and psychiatry is firmly established as a branch of medicine. This condition leaves its mark on you, and then you begin a lifelong treatment process. You cycle through stages of acceptance, denial, and everything in between. On top of that, dealing with psychosis means navigating periods of remission where you convince yourself it was all just a bad dream—right before it hits you again. Sometimes it's triggered by intense stress, and other times, it just happens out of nowhere.
Well, Harold Anderson3... I am checking in with you regularly through every stage, just like you suggested. Honestly, the mood swings are intense—it feels like I have multiple personalities, haha. Sometimes I hit these peaks of euphoria that I actually enjoy while they last, but they don't stay for long before crashing straight into a depressive state or something else entirely. It’s this strange sensation where my body feels completely detached from my soul. It is almost as if my spirit has stepped away to sit in a corner somewhere just to watch everything happen. I actually tried psychotherapy once, but it didn't work out because I ended up developing feelings for the therapist. He told me he couldn't remain objective, so we had to end the sessions. I was prescribed 200mg of Solian. Currently, I am taking half of that, which is 100mg, along with about 0.5 to 1mg of Lexapro daily, usually in the evening.
My psychiatrist mentioned that Solian is actually quite effective. I’ve tried plenty of antidepressants, but they just don't seem to do anything for me; I honestly felt like I was on Ladiomil for a while there. Unfortunately, I haven't felt any real difference. College is... well... it could be better. I’m passing some classes, but struggling with others. I went through a few intense psychotic episodes recently, which left me mentally and physically drained, and it really took a toll on my studies. It was all incredibly exhausting. Once I started recovering, my performance at school stabilized a bit. But now, the constant drowsiness from the medication is making me totally unproductive. I try to focus, but I end up falling asleep instead of studying, or I struggle to even stay awake during lectures. I’ve been drinking several cups of coffee and even the occasional Red Bull just to stay upright. It helps slightly, but it isn't a real fix. It’s tough. The medication helps, but the fatigue and sluggishness are overwhelming. Harold Anderson3, how are things going with your classes?
Hi everyone, sorry I haven't checked in for a while. I've been reading through the threads and noticed things haven't been looking great for some of you. I’ve dealt with significant crashes myself. Right now, I'm on Solian. I've seen two different psychiatrists, but the diagnosis remains the same. The difference is that I'm finally stopping the denial. I'm accepting the reality and committing to treatment. So far, I think it's working. It’s a rollercoaster of highs and lows, but I'm putting in the effort. Today is a good day. Today, I actually feel like I can recover and leave all of this behind me—like it was nothing more than a bad dream.
On Solian, I feel pretty drowsy—almost drugged, like I'm being chemically altered. It feels like I'm not quite myself, but it helps anchor me to reality, even though I didn't struggle much with perception before, given my other negative symptoms. Those are still there: the depressive phases and that sense of emptiness. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't experienced hallucinations, because I have; I just had them occasionally and kept them to myself. They aren't happening anymore. I'm doing better on this medication for now. I'm not drifting off into my own head. I even had a boyfriend once, and he told me I seemed "absent" a lot... I would also experience intense catatonic states and episodes involving muscle and jaw spasms. That has calmed down, and I didn't mention it to my doctor. I'm hopeful they'll stay gone. Those stupors and tremors were nasty, and honestly, I'm terrified they might come back. I need to continue my treatment with a female psychiatrist, as I feel male doctors often judge me differently. So... that's basically where I've been at for the last few months.
I feel nothing... and even when something does break through, I can't put a finger on what it is. That tiny flicker of emotion is just so bizarre that it leaves me feeling confused. Total emptiness... there's absolutely nothing there. I sleep, I wake up, and it's just the same cycle over and over. I don't want anything, and I have zero motivation for anything at all.
There are actually several different types of schizophrenia, and losing touch with reality can happen whenever someone slips into a psychotic episode.... For instance, I don't deal with paranoia or aggression or anything like that. I suffer from simple schizophrenia, which mainly involves a lack of interest in my surroundings and social isolation—often accompanied by a certain numbness. This also includes phases of depression, apathy, and indifference, which means I don't get out of the house much. As for hallucinations, I haven't really struggled with them; I had them twice, and they just went away on their own. But again, there truly are many different types of schizophrenia....you should look it up online....but these people aren't dangerous; they just have a sick soul.
My diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder Type II. I am currently undergoing treatment, and my main symptom involves recurring depressive episodes. Despite all of that, I’m pushing through without medication and am currently finishing up my final year of college.
Thank you all for the warm wishes and support... I actually went through psychological testing in the meantime. I don't suffer from anxiety or panic attacks... but I do deal with occasional depressive episodes that feel quite intense. These episodes are just symptoms of something deeper. We'll see how things progress as I move through therapy.
Right now, I don't feel anything at all... just total emotional numbness.
Richard White8 said:I feel for you. It’s a tough spot to be in. Are you currently on any antipsychotics? My experience was actually the exact opposite. During my psychotic episodes, I became incredibly talkative—almost dangerously so. I would strike up conversations with complete strangers, like approaching tourists out of nowhere and even inviting them back to my place. I never would have done that before this started. However, my schizophrenia hasn't been one-note. There were stretches where I lived in total isolation for two years. I wouldn't see anyone. My schedule was completely flipped; I’d sleep until 8:00 PM, head out for a coffee at 10:00 PM, and then go to bed at 10:00 AM. During those times, I was constantly alone with the voices. The only person I spoke to was my grandmother over the phone. Then, I’d hit a phase of intense sociability, where I'd approach people in bars or clubs just like I mentioned before—I even made a friend that way. Before getting sick, I was never that outgoing with strangers.
Once I started on high doses of antipsychotics, my drive to talk or engage with anyone just vanished. As the dosage was gradually tapered down, my ability to hold a conversation steadily returned. A friend of mine has been diagnosed with psychosis and is on massive doses of antipsychotics. It’s made him incredibly quiet. Extremely quiet. We hang out often because I genuinely enjoy his company, but we don't really talk. Most of our time is spent just sitting there in silence, drinking coffee and smoking. I find myself constantly searching for something—anything—to ask him just to get a reaction, and then he’ll give me an answer. On a typical two-hour coffee run, we might actually converse for maybe twenty minutes; the rest of the time is just silence and chain-smoking.
I’ve become so accustomed to quiet coffee dates that sitting through a two-hour conversation feels exhausting now. It's especially draining because my way of communicating has shifted. I no longer fight for every word or feel the need to prove a point just to win an argument. I've become more passive; I simply let others take the lead in the conversation.
Those are all just symptoms of the illness. Personally, I have no regrets about taking those antipsychotics. Even though they left me feeling a bit sluggish, they successfully addressed my primary issues: the hallucinations and delusions.
Are you staying consistent with your medication? I seem to recall you mentioning a while back that you weren't interested in taking anything. Is that really a wise move? For me, the treatment has been effective. I have a friend who stays completely stable on his regimen; he’s actually making great progress with his PhD right now. Without those meds, he wouldn't be able to function or hold down a job at all. Even with them, he's had to deal with five or six hospitalizations, but without the medication, it would be an absolute disaster.
Beyond just medication, you really ought to look into psychotherapy. I'm not entirely sure which specific school of thought would suit your situation best, but it's worth exploring. The biggest downside is having to shell out for private practitioners.
I don't take medication regularly—at least not consistently. Sometimes I'll take them for a couple of days if things get really bad, and sometimes I don't even do that. I'm thinking about the meds... I'll see how it goes. My main struggle is this sense of numbness and passivity, and the pills often just add to that feeling. I'm planning to sign up for an appointment today, and I'll try to speak up about it if I can... though it'll be hard. I'll probably just stare blankly into the distance... trying to look okay and normal... haha... if it's a better day, maybe things will be different and I'll actually talk, and everything will improve.
I went to psychotherapy a few years ago, and my psychiatrist concluded it was useless and unnecessary for me because my thought processes are normal; it's just my personality.
Over the last few months, I’ve been putting a lot of work into being more communicative and initiating conversations—things most people just do naturally. For me, it takes a significant amount of effort, but looking at the big picture, I can feel myself making progress, even if there are still good days and bad days.
It’s pretty funny, Richard White8, when you say... what exactly gave them the idea to diagnose me with simple schizophrenia just based on what I told them... hehe... that couldn't be further from the truth... not even close... Maybe this doesn't give you the full picture, but I'm going to try my best to explain who I actually am in real life, not just how I sound here behind a screen. In reality, I barely speak, let alone engage in actual communication, unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't have friends; I have nothing outside of my work. Imagine how lonely it looks to see a 28-year-old woman who can't even make eye contact, much less be near someone or be touched. When I do talk, it takes a massive effort just to force out an answer to a question, if I even bother to respond at all. What do you think my social life looks like? All these years, I've basically just been sleeping... I finished my degree, but aside from campus, I haven't gone anywhere else. I don't have a boyfriend, nor have I ever had one. Even if I did find someone attractive, my emotions are so numb that they just fade away instantly. Not to mention, I've never even cleared the most basic hurdle of actually going out with someone...
So tell me... isn't that tragic? But what's even more heartbreaking is the thought of actually trying to go out and be around people...
I struggle to say even a single word, and it shows, no matter how hard I try to hide it... and that's what hurts... because people aren't stupid; most of them realize pretty quickly that something is wrong with me, so they just move on...
Richard White8, I'll try to address this... My diagnosis came through three months ago, listed as 60.1 and 20.6. Basically, simple schizophrenia and a schizoid personality type. I actually requested my own evaluation at the Mayo Clinic psychiatry department in Seattle while feeling relatively stable. My clinical status was recorded as follows: responsive to preverbal impressions, providing brief answers without spontaneity, anxious, with reduced affect, insecure, quiet, no concrete delusions or hallucinations, diminished volitional drive, and cognitively appearing frozen. The recommendation😛was an antipsychotic medication.
Afterward, I was completely blindsided by the diagnosis. I went straight to my private psychiatrist—the one I’ve been seeing for years, though unfortunately, we hadn't seen any progress under what she used to call "recurrent depressive disorder." So, there I was: two psychiatrists, two different diagnoses. At first, I was convinced the doctor in Seattle had totally missed the mark and felt ashamed he would even write such a thing. But the sad reality is that life eventually reveals the truth, even when you desperately want to believe otherwise. To start with, psychology isn't an exact science, so you can't always rely on it blindly, but the results speak for themselves. Statistically speaking, I spent six years being treated unsuccessfully for "depression" using various antidepressants. I tried almost everything, and none of them worked; they just gave me side effects. Eventually, my regular psychiatrist admitted she wasn't sure how to handle me anymore and prescribed a mild antipsychotic in a small dose, thinking it might help since she believed depression could be managed with certain types of antipsychotics. For the first time in my life, that medication actually worked—it allowed me to function normally. Because she knows me so well, she realized she had been heading in the wrong direction all those years. She sent me to the Mayo Clinic, where I received a clear schizo diagnosis during the very first exam. It sounds absurd—you'd think, "What is this guy talking about? Who is he to decide what's right?"—but looking back, my longtime psychiatrist knew this new diagnosis was correct. It was just nearly impossible for both of us to admit it at the time. Time has finally proven it. While nothing can ever be stated with absolute certainty, my life and everything I look back on confirms what I didn't want to face. Still, I believe this has always been part of me, deep down, and it existed long before anyone ever wrote it on a chart. It doesn't change who I am. Moving forward, I will always try to ensure this has as little negative impact as possible on my life, my family, and the people I care about.
I get that, but it wasn't because of any medication—I wasn't taking anything at the time... plus, I already deal with night terrors. But that specific day, it was a conscious hallucination, if that’s even a thing. It followed me around all day and didn't let up until the next morning... thank God that's over.
I’ve dealt with auditory hallucinations before, and I managed to get them under control—they haven't come back since. Although... one day I had a hallucination where I was absolutely convinced the ghost from Harry Potter was right there in my room with me. He stayed for an entire day... including through the evening. By the next morning, he was gone. Of course, I know it wasn't actually him, but in my head, it felt incredibly real. Anyway, it's over now. No voices, nothing. I'm doing okay... You're completely right, bluedrifter45; I am fully aware that I shouldn't be acting this way and that I need professional help. For sleep, I take some Melatonin or maybe Advil, so I just take whatever helps, even though I know pills aren't a cure.
Back when I was at my lowest—before everything really hit the fan—I didn't believe in anything except pure logic. I think I actually suppressed all my emotions on purpose because I wanted to distance myself from anything that wasn't strictly scientific. It wasn't until I started feeling like I was losing my mind that I actually began questioning things like the soul...
Since I've started trying to be more mindful of my spiritual side, I feel like I'm handling my internal struggles much better... darksurfer4, you're absolutely right; the soul is everything. Without it, we aren't even whole. Medication doesn't "cure" the soul, it just helps ease the fight. I actually just took one to help me sleep... I've been having some pretty intense nightmares lately.
It’s strange... something just happened to me. I think it might be a hallucination, but I can't seem to shake it. There is a ghost sitting in the corner of my room, much like one out of Harry Potter, but it’s too blurry to clearly see. Still, its presence is incredibly unsettling because I know it isn't actually there—it's just stuck in my head, and it’s starting to drive me a little crazy. I don't think I can sleep in this room anymore. I really need to see a doctor... :-(
I assume you all saw the news from a few days ago regarding the passing of the Linkin Park singer... his final song was "Heavy," which almost seems to foreshadow his suicide