Posts by Jessica Fowler4

Maybe this isn't the warmest way to put it, but I'm trying to be honest.

If you're in the middle of a deep depression, you really need to focus on getting treatment instead of diving headfirst into new relationships. Honestly, maybe go see a psychiatrist.

The thing is, you can't just "forget" someone—not because they were somehow the greatest love in all of history, but because your brain chemistry simply won't let you move on. Depression is this state where these chronic, stressful, or just plain sad thoughts keep looping, and you can't shake them, which just feeds back into the depression itself. It’s basically a mental illness where the mind is suffering. And you can't get relief for what you're suffering from because... well, it's impossible.

Usually, you fight depression through time, staying active, hanging out with friends, and surrounding yourself with positive vibes. The whole point of doing that is to get those activities to pump positive neurotransmitters into your system to bring you back to a baseline.

But, when you don't have that kind of lifestyle or if the depression is just too heavy, sometimes you have to raise those neurotransmitter levels artificially with medication.

In my opinion, these deep depressive states happen because of past patterns—like being way too attached (almost like an addiction) to one specific person while lacking any connection to anyone else, you know? There's no alternative outlet. The fact that you're searching for kind words here on the forum really points to that. It’s like you were using that person like a drug, and now that the drug is gone, your brain is crashing into depression. I guess during the time you were together, that addictive effect between you two probably ramped up significantly. Maybe you're also trying to hide how depressed you actually are from everyone else, or trying to compensate for it. I suspect you might have built up this shield of "shame" around yourself. You've been stuck in this spiral for a long time now, sort of dissociating from life and reality. You really should talk to a psychiatrist.

So, yeah. It might not be pretty, but I hope it helps.

I feel like I’ve been grinding my whole life, you know? Just going through all these different phases... hitting the gym consistently, trying every diet under the sun, playing sports, hiking through the Rockies, staying away from everything bad... just everything. It’s all just piled up over the years. I push myself for a few months at a time, but nothing ever really sticks. After about three months, I just... I lose it. I can't find the drive anymore.

Anyway, my psychiatrist actually agreed that this might be the core issue, so I started taking Wellbutrin... though I'm not sure if it'll help much. I mean, it's not surprising, since it's basically just a second-line treatment for ADHD. Maybe it'll work, maybe not. I'll probably ask my doctor about Concerta next time...

Oh, also, there's this one thing my therapist reacted to—something I've been wondering about for ages: the very first time I ever tried amphetamines (misusing them, obviously), I noticed immediately that I had perfect pitch while they were in my system. And every single time after that, without fail. I have perfect pitch when I'm on them. I’m talking specifically about singing.

To explain... I think I actually *have* perfect pitch. I can hear when tones are off. As a kid, I spent months and months composing things... and honestly, I've written some pretty beautiful songs, it all flows... but I just can't sing right.

If someone had asked me what was wrong with my singing before all this—like, five or ten years ago—I would have told them that I just don't hear myself correctly. I can hear the wrong tones and the right ones, and I know exactly which note I want to hit—I can hear it clearly in my head—but once I start singing, it's like the sound coming out of my mouth drowns out the tone I intended to sing in my mind.

Singing works like this—at least, that's what I realized on amphetamines... the first note you release when you start singing doesn't necessarily have to be perfect, but if you can hear the sound you're making and simultaneously "hear" the intended note you want to hit, and your brain is functioning correctly, then in a split second, you're able to adjust the sound coming from your vocal cords to match the right pitch. That adjustment requires your brain to be perfectly synchronized and functioning properly.

And see, my "normal" state is just... broken. My whole life. The change the amphetamines bring is so obvious. Even some musicians I know who struggled with addiction confirmed it... not only that, but my vocal range expands, like, the precision of my vocal cord control gets better. Vocal cords are muscles, right? Muscles are controlled by acetylcholine and dopamine. When I'm on amphetamines, I have much higher "resolution" for the movements and sounds my vocal cords can produce.

So, the background here is that deep down, deep, deep down, I just love music. Everything about it. I've spent so much time composing and listening to my own stuff... I love dancing. No matter how little motivation I have, if a good song comes on, I'll end up jumping around my room like a total idiot. I love singing too, but I haven't been able to sing properly my entire life... that's the one piece missing. I used to say that if I could just sing, I'd make a career out of it... and then I try amphetamines and realize I *can* sing on them. Since then, whenever the group would get high on speed, I would spend the ENTIRE night just singing. I'd chat with people here and there, but the singing was always the main thing.

So... is it fair that I'm being denied the ability to sing? Something I clearly love and want so much... just because of a chemical deficiency?

And please, don't start giving me advice. I've been singing my whole life despite not knowing how... mostly just in the shower or at home, though sometimes I'll hum at work too. But it sounds bad. Not terrible, but it isn't accurate... it's nowhere near how it sounds when I'm on amphetamines. So, I've spent my whole life trying to learn, and it just won't happen. If I could just fix that one line, I'd automatically be Mariah Carey... I'm not even kidding.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:Look, I get that things are rough right now, but don't you dare let anyone—including yourself—label you as some helpless bystander. You’re way more than that, even if you haven't quite wrapped your head around it yet. Life is going to knock you down—it does that to everyone—but you only actually lose when you decide to throw in the towel. Think about Thomas Edison. The guy failed ten thousand times trying to make a lightbulb, but his sheer stubbornness paid off. He didn't see failures; he just saw ten thousand ways that didn't work until he finally nailed the one that did.

You've gotta test your own limits. Try different angles, mess around with your own headspace and emotions—whatever works for you. Pull knowledge from everywhere, then actually go out there and put it to the test.

For starters, map out a game plan for those moments when you feel yourself slipping into a bad headspace. A solid plan acts like a flashlight in a dark room. And listen, you don't have to flip a switch and fix your entire mood in one go. It’s about small, incremental steps. Find ways to pivot your focus. Crank up some music, watch a movie, grab a friend for a chat, get moving, jump in the shower, or even just take a quick nap. Basically, just distract your brain enough so it can't stay stuck on the stuff you want to escape.

Once you've done that, start steering your attention toward what you actually *want* to do. Say you want to write something. Just grab a pen or sit at your laptop and dive in. If the ideas aren't flowing, just transcribe an article from the New York Times or jot down every random thought popping into your head onto a notepad. Just get the gears turning. Eventually, the ideas will show up and the motivation follows. That’s when the mind starts working for you instead of against you.

but explain the opposite phenomenon. My level of determination to NOT do the things I DON'T want to do is exactly equal to my determination to do the things I DO want to do.

That’s because of momentum. It’s like you’re cruising down a highway at 124 miles/h and suddenly try to slam on the brakes. It doesn't work like that. Most people are just driving too slow to begin with.

The trick is learning how to steer while you still have control. Extinguish the spark before it turns into a forest fire. Figure out what your triggers are—those things that drag you into a state where you lose it—and either dodge them entirely or find a way to dampen their impact before they blow up.

So, stop for a second and ask yourself: how do these uncontrolled episodes actually end? They have to end eventually. Do you always finish what you started, or does it spiral out in other ways too?

I guess I’m just always like this. It isn't really about starting and stopping. I suppose I wrote that part more poetically, you know, because some people enjoy the ride while others are left cleaning up the mess... but I don't have a split personality or anything... just because I latch onto something stimulating doesn't mean I'm "normal" when I'm not hooked on something... it just means I lack that stimulation (that feel-good stuff), so then I can feel all this anxiety piling up over the crap I did while I was high on that feeling... but even then, I can't force myself to do things I don't want to do... my brain just resists, I guess. It runs toward whatever gives it that "feel good" hit, and if there's nothing else, it just drifts off into daydreaming... and as soon as it gets that little rush, the anxiety settles down and that's it. The feeling wins...
Do you get that my main drug—ever since I was a little kid—is just... thinking? Like, just the act of thinking... do you understand that I can't just deny myself that? Do you see what I mean? I actually enjoy thinking (about things I actually want to think about)...

You could take away my drugs, or you could throw every barrier and rule in my way, whatever... but you can't take away "thinking." And the brain, whenever it wants, whenever something is bothering it, or whenever I try to force it to do something, it just "uses" that drug to quiet everything down, to dull the anxiety and the conscience and just... let me be...

You can't beat it, you know? It's like a physical condition... and just like how someone living without an arm can still live their life and overcome things... they just can't clap.

And that's me. I'm living my life, and I've managed to achieve everything "normal" people do, maybe even more... but you can't tell by looking at me that I'm missing an arm. People think I'm totally fine. So when I can't do something, they just assume I'm lazy, or bad, or disobedient, or rude... instead of realizing that I'm missing an arm.

Nicholas Gonzalez8 I guess... what [Nicholas Gonzalez8] said... maybe? It’s just... I don't know. It feels like we're all just circling the same drain, right? Like, you think you've got a handle on things, and then—bam—everything shifts. I mean, I was thinking about this earlier while I was grabbing coffee near downtown Chicago, and it just hit me how much we overcomplicate everything. We try so hard to find the pattern, the logic, but sometimes there isn't one. Or maybe there is, and we're just looking at it through the wrong lens? I'm probably wrong, though. I could be totally off base here. But still... it's worth wondering, isn't it? Just... thinking out loud, I guess.
Honestly, I truly believe that change is the only constant thing in this world, you know? Like, everything can be reshaped if it needs to be. That’s just what all my life experience and everything I’ve learned tells me, I guess. We clearly see things differently, though... we're just on different wavelengths, maybe. So, I won't keep pestering you about it or anything. Just, well, whatever path you decide to take, I really do wish you nothing but the absolute best. 🙂

I know things are rough right now, but just... try to imagine it. Imagine being completely overwhelmed by something constantly, like you're just a helpless bystander watching your own life fall apart while this thing just sits there enjoying the ride. And then, once it’s finished soaking up all that pleasure, it hands the reins back to you. It leaves you to pick up the pieces and fix everything, all while you're left dealing with those massive waves of pain from your own signature. I guess it's just hard to wrap my head around.

I’ve lived my whole life like this. It’s just... it is what it is. Even when I try really hard—and I mean, the effort is actually there, it's visible—and even with all that intense guilt, and the constant self-criticism, and me constantly trying to scold myself into being better... I don't know. I just can't seem to help myself. Maybe I just can't.

I mean, honestly, everyone goes through those phases where they just... can't. You know? That feeling where you just don't have it in you. I think anyone listening to me right now could probably see themselves in what I’m saying. It's just one of those things. And I guess... maybe people look at it and decide, "Oh, they were more decisive than I was," or something like that. Like, they had it figured out and I didn't. So then they feel like they can pull it off while I'm just stuck here. It's just... yeah.

Look, I mean, fine... you can take that part of the story for now if you really want to. But honestly? I feel like that’s just one side of the coin you're looking at. You know? It's just... it feels incomplete, maybe.

But wait, you gotta explain the flip side of that coin too. I mean, my level of sheer willpower when it comes to absolutely REFUSING to do something I don't want to do... it’s honestly just as intense as my drive to actually get stuff done that I DO want to do. It's like, maybe they're two sides of the same thing? I guess.

Let me try to explain this using an example... I was just a twelve-year-old kid playing video games... and then, I don't know, I started daydreaming about actually making one myself... so I just went for it. I was totally on my own, too. No guidebooks, no mentors, absolutely no internet access whatsoever!!! I somehow stumbled upon DOS QBasic, and through its really basic help files, I basically taught myself how to code by the time I was thirteen. But, you see, if you want to make a game with actual graphics, you need physics and trigonometry... I already understood the physics part, mostly because I’ve spent my whole life just observing things and thinking deeply—though I guess I don't usually take action until I have a plan that feels worth the reward. I definitely needed trigonometry, though. Sines, cosines, all that stuff... except back then, I didn't even know what those were. I hadn't even heard the word "sine" before. But I grabbed a math encyclopedia and managed to hunt down exactly what I needed. I even figured out how to derive the formulas for rotating a point around an origin at a specific angle... and then I actually made the game. It had planes, heat-seeking missiles, explosions... oh, and I didn't even have a drawing program. I didn't even know anything about image file formats or whatever... so I just built my own custom format and wrote my own program to handle it. Then I just sat there, drawing for days on end, pixel by pixel—little jets, projectiles, explosion animations... and I finished the game. I worked on it non-stop, day and night, barely sleeping at all. I basically swapped day and night. I would just guess and type away until I was physically exhausted... just like that, for weeks, sometimes even months.

Do you actually get how insane that is? It’s just... it’s not normal. Not for a kid, not for an adult, not for anyone. That level of sheer, stubborn willpower is just astronomical. Like, do you even hear me? I mean, I have that exact same kind of astronomical resolve when it comes to *not* doing things I don't want to do. To actually get me to move, to make me do something, you basically have to shatter that massive wall of determination first. I guess... maybe that’s what I’ve been fighting my whole life. Does that even make sense?

Can you just admit that you can't wrap your head around what would drive a kid to go through with something like that? I mean, seriously... maybe you just don't get it. And if you can't get that, then I guess you have to admit you don't get the other side either—like, why a kid just... they just can't seem to find that willpower to *not* do the thing they don't want to do. It’s just... I don't know, it's hard to explain, but it's there.

It’s easy to just toss around labels like "you're being lazy." I mean, sure, people say that all the time. But... I don't know, it feels like we're skipping over things. Like, could you maybe explain the rest of the story? I guess I just want to understand the full picture before we jump to conclusions.

You know how much I've struggled with this. Because of those big projects where I actually pulled off some incredible things, people just kept shoving my own successes back in my face every time I stumbled. It wasn't even about the failures, really... it was more that they decided I had this massive potential, like I was some kind of genius or whatever, and so they set the bar impossibly high for me. And then, constantly, I was just labeled as lazy... while other kids were just... well, dim. I was proven smart, just "lazy," which is funny because I guess those two things are really just two sides of the same coin. It’s a gift and a curse, honestly. I can create something brilliant, but I'm just completely incapable of doing anything when I'm being forced to. And at the end of the day... this whole world just runs on pressure.

By the way, I stumbled upon this thread on another forum... it's talking about how ADD is actually a proven physical disorder. Like, it’s something you can't just "think" your way out of with positive vibes or whatever other mental tricks people try to push instead of using actual medication. It's pretty heavy stuff, I guess.

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16810

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:Look, I’m telling you—I’ve been deep in the weeds with this stuff for about 14 years now. This isn't some half-baked theory I just cooked up last Tuesday to sound smart at a bar; I didn't just pull this out of thin air. I’ve actually put in the work and verified it all through my own damn experience.

Quentin Tarantino:

Jessica Fowler4 I can't even begin to deal with this right now—honestly, I just can't. It’s like we’re all just walking around in circles, expecting things to actually make sense when they clearly don't. It reminds me of that one time I was stuck in traffic outside of Chicago—just absolute gridlock, everyone honking their horns like it would somehow move the cars in front of them—and that's exactly what this feels like. We're yelling into a void, really. And don't even get me started on what Jessica Fowler4 was saying earlier. It's just more of the same. Every time I think we've hit rock bottom with these discussions, someone comes along and digs a little deeper. It’s exhausting, truly. It’s like watching a bad movie where you know exactly how it ends, but you’re still forced to sit through the whole two-hour runtime just because you paid for the ticket. You just want to walk out, but you're stuck. Anyway, I'm rambling. My point is—if there even is a point—that we need to stop pretending this is working. It isn't. It's just noise. Look, if you actually take a second to sit down and study bipolar disorder—specifically the whole hypomania and mania cycle—you’ll realize pretty quickly that people can't just flip a switch to start or stop it. It doesn't work like that. Sure, there are triggers—everyone talks about them—but you can't exactly go out and "use" them on purpose. It’s not some dial you turn up when you feel like being productive or down when you want to sleep. It's not a choice, and it's definitely not something you can control at will.

I’m actually glad you finally realized that triggers are a real thing. Honestly, once you see them, you can’t unsee them. I know for a fact they can be managed—I’ve put in the work myself, and I’ve met plenty of other people who have figured it out too. It’s really just a skill, plain and simple. It’s like learning how to drive a car on a busy highway; at first, you're white-knuckling the steering wheel, but eventually, it becomes second nature. Anyone can pick it up if they put in the hours, so don't go thinking you're somehow uniquely incapable here. But look, you can't just jump into the deep end without prep work. You have to build up some actual awareness first. Most people—and I mean most, not all—are constantly drifting. Their minds are bouncing around between things that happened ten years ago, anxieties about what might happen next week, or just some weird daydream. It’s like a flash flood hitting a small town; it’s chaotic, uncontrolled, and it sweeps everything away because there's no structure to hold it back. You have to learn how to pull that focus back to the "right now." Once you actually anchor yourself in the present moment, you start noticing the patterns. You begin to observe your own thoughts and those sudden surges of emotion instead of just being victimized by them. That’s when you get the power to actually choose how to react, rather than just spinning out of control.

Balance is everything—seriously, it’s the holy grail of actually staying sane. I couldn't agree more on that one. Sure, life throws those wild, uncontrollable curveballs at you—the kind of chaos you just can't plan for—but let's be real: we still have a massive amount of say in how we steady ourselves. It’s about how we manage our own headspace and steer our lives back toward center when things start getting messy.

Quentin Tarantino:

Jessica Fowler4 I can't even begin to deal with this right now—it’s like someone just walked into my living room and started rearranging all the furniture without asking. It’s exhausting. Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit every time I see stuff like this popping up again. It's just... ugh. Anyway, here's what was said: They’re just too lazy to change. Honestly, they need someone to step up and give them that blunt reality check—someone to look them dead in the eye and say, "Hey, change your life," just like you did. 🙄 Honestly, looking at your response, all I’m seeing is a massive, bloated ego rather than any actual, useful advice. There isn't a single shred of substance in what you wrote—just a bunch of empty accusations. Your whole hidden agenda seems to be this condescending little nudge of, "You're just lazy, get moving, look how much better I can do it..." which, let’s face it, clearly does something for you. It feeds that ego of yours—that "look at me, I’ve got it figured out while you're stuck" vibe. You only feel superior like that if you actually convince yourself we’re on the same level—if you believe I don't have some inherent, biological disadvantage holding me back. And honestly? The fact that you even felt the need to jump in and lecture me when you don't know the first thing about this topic tells me everything I need to know. Maybe try doing a little actual thinking once in a while instead of just talking about yourself.

Look, my ego isn't the point here—really, it's not. Even the biggest idiot out there can drop a nugget of wisdom if you listen close enough. You can judge me however you want, seriously, go ahead—but just give my words a fair shake before you dismiss them.

And fine, let’s play it your way—let's just assume you're dealing with some kind of biological disadvantage or whatever. Is that really going to be the reason you throw away your chance at happiness? It sounds obvious, I know—it's almost patronizing—but that’s just how I roll. I like keeping things blunt. I used to be one of those people who went hunting for complexity in every little thing, thinking more layers meant more truth. But after years of chasing down every tiny detail, collecting endless experiences and "expert" knowledge, I eventually looped right back around to the simple stuff—only now, I actually understand why the simple answer is the right one.

Maybe you're just studying self-help books and personality disorders... but it seems like you don't really get the biology behind any of this at all.

Quentin Tarantino:

I'm actually glad you realized that triggers exist. I know they can be managed—because I've practiced it myself, and I've met other people who have too. It's really just a skill, kind of like learning how to drive a car. Anyone can pick it up, including you. But to actually pull it off, you first have to build up some awareness. Most people's minds just wander through the past, or the future, or whatever they're imagining... it's like an uncontrolled flash flood. You have to learn how to point your focus back to the here and now. Once you do that, you can observe your own thoughts and feelings more closely, and then you can actually choose them consciously.

See, honestly, this paragraph right here just makes it clear that you haven't a clue what you're talking about.

Please, just Google mania versus hypomania and stop digging this hole for yourself. What you're describing is pure esotericism. Try finding me one scientifically proven example on Google of a bipolar person who has full control—or even any control at all—over their manic levels without using outside substances.

It's almost like saying someone has control over their asthma (which, by the way, is also a mental health issue).

I really have to emphasize this again: a "mental illness" doesn't necessarily mean it can be cured through "mental actions"—basically, through self-help or cognitive therapy. A psychological condition can have its roots in a PHYSICAL DEFICIENCY. And while you might try to compensate for that deficiency with various "strategies," you're really just COMPENSATING. The only thing that can actually fix the situation is PHYSICALLY REPLACING that deficiency.

Quentin Tarantino:

Balance is important in everything. I absolutely agree with that. There are some things we can't control, but we can definitely influence the balance of our lives and our minds.

Well, okay, you weren't being completely exclusive there. So, we can SIGNIFICANTLY influence things. That's true. The placebo effect is probably most prominent in psychopharmacological drug trials. That's why those studies are so incredibly difficult and the results are so uncertain.

And, sure, through training and applying strategies, you can improve how you function, which can lead to further improvements in your mental state. All of that holds water.

But, when you have a physical deficiency, it is usually SIGNIFICANTLY far from being ENOUGH to make you feel healthy.

Quentin Tarantino:

Even if we go along with your idea and say there's a biological deficiency... are you going to give up on being happy in your life because of that? I know I'm stating the obvious, because I like to keep things as simple as possible. I used to search for complexity once. But after getting into all the details, the experiences, and the knowledge, I slowly found my way back to simple answers—just with a much better understanding of them.

yeah, my simple answer is that there’s just something physically wrong with me. i’m not giving up on being happy, though. i plan to be happy, maybe by taking the right medication to make that happen.

take OCD, for example. would you tell someone with OCD, who absolutely *has* to spin around three times before they can open a door, something like "you can do this, you don't need to turn around, just open the door, it's easy, just say yes, you can do it"? i mean, could you really believe how frustrating it is to hear that from someone when you simply cannot stop yourself from turning around those three times? i think that example might be easier for you to wrap your head around since it's more obvious.

the thing that’s bothering you is that I’ve managed to sort of pull off a life—on the surface, anyway—so I look like I’m functioning okay. and because of that, you don't believe I actually have a problem. you have no idea how much strategy and pure struggle is going on inside my head just to make it look like I'm functioning normally on the outside. that's why i have so few friends, honestly, because i have to fight so hard just to exist and communicate in the "normal" world. i've consciously developed these ways to avoid people. because i can't just be myself when I'm around others. they'll see what I am. they'll realize i'm boring. that i don't want to listen to them, that i'm thinking about something else, that i don't even want the obligation of having to pay attention whenever they open their mouths. because to me, that is a TERRIBLE obligation. i have such a hard time controlling my focus. people talk too slowly to me. i talk too slowly. by the time i've formulated a sentence, the act of saying it feels so tedious that my mind just drifts off somewhere else, and then i can't finish talking because i've lost the original thought i started with. people talk too slow and they're boring. the thoughts in my head fly way too fast, it's hard to catch any of them... and when someone is talking to me, if what they're saying is boring (which it usually is), the sentence i hear turns into a thought in my head, which is just equal to the other 100 thoughts flying through my brain right now, and just like those other 100, in the next millisecond, it's gone, it melts away, my brain moves on to the next 100 thoughts via association and the person keeps talking... while i haven't actually heard a single word they said...

i'm a software engineer, and i often have to wait for the computer to "process" something. every one of those "pauses" causes my brain to just take the opportunity to start thinking about something, or nothing at all (like 100 elusive thoughts all at once). the worst part is that whatever i was working on just slips out of my head... starting work all over again feels like such a chore, so i'd rather just surf the web... and it's constant... i can't help it... my brain is too fast... too fast even for itself...

my computer is terribly slow, no matter how fast it actually is. i type over 500 characters a minute, way faster than the 30 other developers at my firm. i've been typing like that since i was 14 or 15. when i'm in the zone and working, the computer is too slow; i can't type as fast as i'm thinking, and the computer can't keep up with what i'm inputting...

i don't know.... basically... that's the PROBLEM. there isn't really a "self-help" book for memory. my memory is shot. what am i supposed to say to that kind of thing? "just remember, you can do it, just try harder, it's simple"...

anyway, you solved some problem for yourself and now you think your solution applies to everyone. it doesn't.

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:First off, stop using negative phrases like "I can't." Those words drill themselves straight into your subconscious, and they bleed into your reality. Trust me on this. The hardest fight you'll ever have is against yourself. You have to identify those fears and actually stare them down. You need to get to know who you are and what you can actually do. That's the kind of effort I'm talking about. Achievements give you those little bursts of satisfaction, but the real trick is learning to enjoy the ride, because life *is* the ride.

Try to remember what led to those two incredible months you had. You did something—either consciously or instinctively—that allowed you to sustain that state for a decent stretch of time. That wasn't a fluke. A fluke would have lasted a day or two. Sit down, break that experience apart, and learn from it.

Look, maybe do a little reading on psychology and how brain chemistry actually works, so you can weigh your philosophy against some actual science. Just so you can, I don't know, balance things out. Because honestly, what you're saying doesn't really hold water.

Those two great months were actually triggered by a deep depression I was dealing with beforehand, which was set off by a massive change in my diet—cutting out all carbs and dropping my protein intake... and, well, it's hard to get enough calories from fat alone, so there was definitely some calorie restriction going on too.

By the way, calorie restriction, especially when you're already dealing with depression if you're bipolar, is known to trigger a switch into a manic or hypomanic phase. Just Google it.

If you study bipolar disorder and mania/hypomania a bit, you'll see that people can't just control when it starts or ends... there are triggers, sure... but you can't really use them on purpose, usually...

I didn't manage to trigger the hypomania the same way again. It just... stopped. Quite suddenly, even though I stayed on the exact same diet.

You have to realize that your mind is essentially just a bunch of chemical compounds, and they have to stay balanced for you to function properly. Things aren't just black and white, where the world is divided into people who are completely insane and in an asylum (who I assume you wouldn't be selling self-help nonsense to, since they're clearly unwell) and everyone else is just... for some reason... LAZY and won't change. Like they need someone like you to tell them, "Hey, change your ways." 🙄

To be honest, I feel like your response is more about a bloated ego than giving any actual advice. There isn't really any advice in there, just stating the obvious. And the subtext seems to be, "You're lazy, get moving, look at what I can do"... and that message probably feels good for you... it builds up your ego... because, you know, "look how I can do this and you can't"—it makes you feel superior... but that only works if you believe we're on equal footing, without me having some biological deficit... and that's probably why you felt the need to reply even though you don't really know the subject matter... just, I don't know, something to think about...

fadedbear92 said:Why don't you look into some dual-action meds?

"Norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitors: Bupropion is a prime example. Noradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressants: Mirtazapine is one of those."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antidepressants

I'm currently on a norepinephrine combo plus psychotherapy.

Actually, could you be dealing with bipolar disorder? 🤷

wait, how are you actually taking norepinephrine? and what kind of diagnosis are we talking about?

that’s actually the plan... I already ordered some bupropion (Wellbutrin) from an overseas supplier... I just can't wait for it to get here...

but I really wanted to get some advice here, I didn't see a specific ADHD thread so I just started my own... honestly, I'm mostly aiming at dealing with ADD...

Jessica Fowler4 said:I never actually said anything about "effort." What I was really trying to get across is that during those two months, I just had this constant flow of energy and motivation. I wanted to get things done—even the extra stuff—just spontaneously, without any of that self-help nonsense. I wasn't forcing myself, or relying on discipline, or doing that whole "effort" thing you keep bringing up. Honestly, I've practiced discipline my entire life... probably a hundred times more than you have. It's just that I deal with a biological deficit when it comes to focus and drive—it's a dopamine thing, and I've been struggling with it my whole life.

Anyway, most of what you wrote feels a little patronizing, kind of insulting, and honestly, pretty useless. Like, "just say no to drugs, just don't be lazy"—yeah, thanks, my grandma could have told me that... so, I think I'll just leave it at that.

I happened to stumble across this while browsing, so I figured I'd just drop it here. This is how one pretty open-minded doctor looked at the whole thing:

http://www.addcentre.co.uk/selfmedcocaine.htm

Whether people believe it or not, I'm not some "evil addict" out to ruin society. I generate thousands of dollars in tax revenue every single month just by working with my hands, which is more than 98% of Americans. Most of my life, I just feel terrible—except for when I'm chasing a stimulant.

My life is basically this cycle of unbearable cravings followed by equally unbearable disappointments, sandwiched between this crushing boredom and the total inability to find the motivation to fix anything. It creates this intense anxiety because you can see your life passing you by, but you feel paralyzed. You know everything you should be doing, but you just can't move. In that state of extreme boredom, any source of stimulation can grab me for hours or even days—like researching diseases, for example. Or back in the day, it was game programming... when that happens, nothing else exists, not even responsibilities. If nothing captures my attention, then everything else becomes overwhelming, and the anxiety spikes, but again, I can't just force myself to solve the problems.

I started using substances practically almost from the very first time I ever tried them.

I use THC when I get home from work. Before I started doing that, I'd come home and just be totally checked out for three, four, five hours—completely unresponsive. It drove my girlfriend crazy and just added so much stress to my life. I couldn't help it; I'd either have to sleep (which I often couldn't do anyway) or just sit there being "out of it." Any unexpected chores after work would just trigger this rage and madness in me. THC fixed that. Even though most people think weed makes you unmotivated, for me, it actually helps me stay driven. I don't know how, but it works for me. Though, sometimes it does kill my ability to hyperfocus (which is how I function at work, I don't really know any other way, which is why I'm so drained by the time I get home).
I never really used it at work, though. I knew how to work while high at home (programming); actually, I've noticed it's easier for me to motivate myself while high compared to the average person. So, I use THC for those tedious, mindless tasks too. They become interesting when I'm high and I'm not fighting against my own brain. Like, I'd typically use it for cleaning up or setting up a grill or something...

I also use THC to fall asleep. That was actually the main reason I started using it regularly. I've dealt with "insomnia" my entire life. But it isn't really insomnia; it's just that I focus on something I'm interested in (like coding a game) or some bad social interaction, and I just replay it in my head all night long. It's not even an obsession, really—you just start and you can't stop. It's been happening to me for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, it wasn't such a big deal if I didn't sleep through the night... but now that I have a career, it's a disaster...

Cocaine... well, I used it occasionally, just the usual way. Snorting, going out, snorting until there’s nothing left, and then suddenly it’s already noon the next day. So yeah, that was my introduction—just being out with people... later on, even though I really didn't want it to happen, I hit this point where I was just utterly unmotivated, "sleepy," lost in this fog, and nothing seemed to clear it. So I tried... taking tiny little doses of cocaine every hour while I was at work.

I guess most normal people would find it hard to function like that. Cocaine just pulls you in, makes you want more... and the amounts start creeping up... but personally, I don't really have an issue with that part... once I leave work, I don't crave it anymore... when I get home, I just light up some weed.... when I go on a road trip, I don't do drugs at all... it isn't even really a problem for me, after living like this for 5 or 10 years.... actually, I think I have more control over my cocaine use than a "normal" person who tries it for the first time.
To be honest, the peak high is uncomfortable for me (it makes me nervous). For me, the best part of the cocaine—in terms of feeling "normal" (meaning what I’m looking for from a substance, not what weekend party people look for)—is kind of this five-minute window right as it starts to wear off. Like, just before it completely leaves my system, that's when I feel good. Cocaine mainly hits the serotonin, but I'm actually aiming for the dopamine/norepinephrine which is secondary... I think the negative effect I get is from the serotonin, because it's way stronger than the tiny trace of the good effect I actually feel... still, overall, it wakes me up and gives me these occasional windows where it's easier to get motivated and actually start doing something. It's just about getting started...

I have this huge pile of "strategies" that I constantly try to use to kick myself out of my standard state of mind. Anything, really.

There was one time, during my worst period of stress, cocaine actually bothered me and didn't offer any good feelings at all. Just sweating, heart racing, confusion, and this general restlessness.

Can you believe that I was still choosing that over just being my regular self? It would be a situation where I come home from work (feeling clean) but I happen to be out of weed. I would just pull a line of cocaine just to knock myself out of my "tracks." To kill my mental capacity. That mental capacity that decides what to do and pushes itself to the absolute limit. So I can end up sweaty and agitated... just so that it isn't *me*. And I honestly believe most people would trade their lives for mine (minus the mental issues).

Ten years of using stuff like this and the amounts haven't escalated. I'm not an addict in the typical sense... I just have an assortment of different things (some are drugs) that don't even have to feel good; they just need to confuse me, shift me, pull me inward, knock me off my tracks, or shake me out of my default mental state... and I use them as needed.

My default state of mind is this perception that life is unbearably boring. And the realization that there's no alternative. Apathy—depression—lack of motivation—being checked out from the moment—living in my head. But then, on the other hand, when I actually want to do something, I am capable of more than 99% of the population. But I just can't force myself to *want* it; that only happens on its own, eventually.
Why would life be unbearably boring for me? Why would I suffer through this? In my life, I've designed and drawn, I've made music, I've made games... I've created all sorts of wonderful things... I'm proud of all of that... and everyone else thinks I'm smart, and capable, and talented, etc. But look at how I feel? What can anyone tell me? "Snap out of it?" I've been forcing myself to snap out of it for 10 years... I've accomplished more in my life than most people who would tell me to snap out of it... but I've also accomplished far less than what I am truly capable of....

The things I have done, I did easily... even though for 99% of people, it would be an impossible mission. That's why people admire me. But to me, it felt like picking dim. As far as achievements go, it's simple: I didn't put in the effort, so I don't consider it an achievement...

What has been hard for me in life is everything I *didn't* do, or everything I had to do but messed up. All the anxiety of all that, all the lies I used to cover myself, the outbursts of anger, the stress...... because of all that, it feels like I've walked an incredibly thorny path in life. And everything I actually managed to do feels like it just fell from the sky. Because when I actually want something (meaning *me*, not my subconscious), I just can't force it, and it is sooooo difficult... but then again, I know what I'm capable of... and if I actually manage to finish something like that—then I feel proud, but usually, such a thing isn't even worth praising...

That's weird... I guess...

Roger Brown55 said:I’m terrible about meds too. Now that I’ve been prescribed Eli Lilly, I can’t even bring myself to take it, especially after reading that it can cause heart issues and that people with a racing heart shouldn't use it. My pulse has been sitting around 100 lately.😢

Actually, Paxil doesn't really impact the cardiovascular system. In fact, I think Paxil has this pretty significant anxiolytic effect... it basically calms down the HPA axis—that's the hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis, you know? That's the whole system responsible for stress response.

So, if anything, Paxil should actually reduce the strain on your cardiovascular system.

Long-term, Paxil has shown it can actually reverse some of those lasting changes in neuronal mapping caused by chronic stress, which I guess should also help lighten the load on that HPA axis thing.

Anyway, Paxil is kind of a very mild stimulant, but unlike other stimulants out there, it actually has an anxiolytic effect.

It's technically in the SSRI category, but honestly, everything you think you know about SSRIs or tricyclic antidepressants... it just doesn't apply to Paxil. It has a mechanism of action that's almost the complete opposite of both those groups.

Paxil is used quite successfully to block panic attacks—and man, that wouldn't be possible at all if Paxil was putting stress on the cardiovascular system.

In my opinion, Paxil should probably be one of the first antidepressants doctors offer people. It seems absolutely the safest, both when it comes to the side effect profile and how you titrate the dosage.

The only real headache with Paxil is that it only lasts maybe 2 to 3 hours. So, you're constantly having to take pills, and I think a lot of people feel that up-and-down fluctuation in blood concentration every few hours, and that's what bothers them...

Paxil isn't actually an SSRI; it falls under those early tricyclic antidepressants, and honestly, saying it has the fewest side effects is kind of backwards... it’s almost the opposite of that. But, I guess that doesn't really change what Maggi was asking. You definitely aren't feeling worse just because you took one single pill. That's way too short of a timeframe for the medication to kick in, and even if you had been on it longer, you wouldn't feel that shift after just one dose.

Yeah, Paxil isn't an SSRI (and it's not a tricyclic either), it's an SSRE—the only drug in that specific category. So, no, the first time wasn't a typo.

It definitely has the best side effect profile, though. I mean, I once took 15 in a single day, and I remember reading somewhere that the record is over 2,000 pills (apparently, it gives some people a slight "high," which I suppose is why certain groups, like those guys from Eastern Europe, might try to chase a real high)... anyway, so even 2,000 pills a day isn't necessarily fatal, and there was this case where a woman was detoxed in just four days and sent home from the hospital...

So, yeah... let's see which other antidepressant you can take 500 times a day at the recommended dosage...

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:I've gotta disagree with you there. It sounds to me like you're just hunting for excuses to stay stuck instead of actually putting in the work. There's an old saying that every excuse is equally useless because they all lead to the exact same dead end.

You mentioned having two successful months, right? To me, that’s proof enough that you can live a decent life—as long as you actually try. You don't have to cave to every single impulse, fleeting thought, or mood swing that hits you. Just learn to say "No" and keep moving forward with the good stuff. Plus, you really need to tackle those addictions head-on. Science suggests it takes about 22 days to start breaking down those old patterns and building up new ones. If you just commit to repeating those new thoughts or actions every single day and ignore the old junk, you'll get there. Sure, after that initial stretch, it takes months of grinding, but man, is it worth it. Eventually, you'll see that 🙂

To start off, do yourself a favor and Google "self-discipline." It’s clearly the missing piece for you, and working on your emotional intelligence wouldn't hurt either. Nobody is born knowing how to handle their emotions like a pro; it's a skill you have to learn. Scour every resource you can find—knowledge is power. Also, dive into some books about the mechanics of a happy, successful life—stuff on positive psychology and spirituality.

Check out the movie The Karate Kid—there's a lot of wisdom in there you could actually use. There's a part that talks about hitting your goals. Goals are great guides for life, but life itself is the journey, and you've got to enjoy the ride. Reaching a goal only gives you that hit of satisfaction for a tiny moment. Try to find small and large reasons to be happy and grateful, and just try to soak in every bit of life as it happens. 🙂

Good luck.

I never actually said anything about "effort." What I was really trying to get across is that during those two months, I just had this constant flow of energy and motivation. I wanted to get things done—even the extra stuff—just spontaneously, without any of that self-help nonsense. I wasn't forcing myself, or relying on discipline, or doing that whole "effort" thing you keep bringing up. Honestly, I've practiced discipline my entire life... probably a hundred times more than you have. It's just that I deal with a biological deficit when it comes to focus and drive—it's a dopamine thing, and I've been struggling with it my whole life.

Anyway, most of what you wrote feels a little patronizing, kind of insulting, and honestly, pretty useless. Like, "just say no to drugs, just don't be lazy"—yeah, thanks, my grandma could have told me that... so, I think I'll just leave it at that.

Paul Newman5 said:I was on Coax for five weeks—two weeks at one pill daily, then three weeks at two. My doctor switched things up and told me to taper off by just taking one pill for a few days before stopping entirely. I’m taking that single dose in the morning, but my muscles, especially my legs, are aching like crazy and I feel exhausted. Honestly, I feel worse on the one pill than I did on two. Is this just because I lowered the dose, or am I just psyching myself out? Only been on it for five weeks. If anyone has experience or advice, let me know.

I guess I could try to theorize about it here. Coax is an SSRE, and since serotonin plays a role in signaling pain along with everything else, maybe the Coax shifted your pain threshold a little bit... though, I don't know, I'm not totally sure if that's really how it works...

Anyway, just from my own experience, I didn't really feel much of anything... I played around with the dosages quite a bit, too. I'd take 6 or 7 at once, sometimes 15 in a single day, or I'd do 6 a day for two weeks and then 4 a day for another two weeks, and all sorts of things like that... eventually, I just quit cold turkey...
I didn't really notice any major side effects... I might have felt a little more upbeat at the very beginning, but that passed after just a couple of days...

So, I'd say that since you were only at one or two pills, you really shouldn't be having side effects, and if you are feeling things, it might just be that anxiety about lowering the dose.

In the end, personally, I concluded it wasn't doing much for my mental state... the only thing it actually helped with was my asthma and IBS.

From what I've read about it, you shouldn't be having issues; it's probably the safest antidepressant out there when it comes to the typical side effect profile...

Brian Hayes43 said:I wouldn't presume to know exactly how you're feeling, as someone else navigating similar mental health challenges might offer more profound insight. However, I came across a particularly insightful piece if you're interested in taking a look. It’s a great way to get the conversation moving. http://www.lambdassociates.org/blog/bipolar.htm

Thanks for the input. I'm not entirely sure if that's how it came across, but my own struggles are pretty much identical to what people with ADHD deal with. Honestly, I'm more interested in hearing their perspective on things.

I’ve only ever had that one single hypomanic episode in my entire life, and even then, it was mild—no major issues or anything.

But, I mean, it’s totally possible that I’ve just been masking mania through hyperfocus and these intense obsessions. Like, when I get an idea for a new game, I’ll just code non-stop for weeks at a time—that's the hyperfocus part. In those moments, my dopamine levels have to be through the roof, right? The obsession basically feeds itself, and you start seeing those manic symptoms, like needing way less sleep or food and stuff. It’s very possible that those hyperfocus stretches are just "emptying the tank" for a full-on manic episode later.

And, honestly, it seems quite plausible that everyone with ADHD has that potential for bipolar disorder too... since the underlying genetics are mostly the same or at least very similar...

I mean, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately... and I’m pretty much convinced that I've just had some kind of glitch in my dopamine system since the day I was born. It's like, maybe my brain just isn't wired the same way as everyone else's? I don't know. It feels like there's just this fundamental imbalance right from the jump. I guess it's hard to say for sure without, you know, actual medical testing or whatever, but it really feels like a lifelong thing for me. Just an ongoing struggle with how everything hits my brain. Maybe it's just me, though. Who knows?

I guess I still remember this one moment from when I was maybe four years old. I was hanging out at my grandma’s friend's house, and she had a granddaughter right around my age. For some reason, I just had the absolute best time playing with her there. Like, it was so much fun that I... well, I didn't want to stop. I actually ended up wetting myself because I just didn't want to leave the game to go to the bathroom. I knew it was bad, I really did, but I just couldn't help it. My grandma gave me such a scolding, too. But then, the next day, I did the exact same thing again. And the third day? Same thing. I think the grandma's friend actually thought there was something seriously wrong with my head or something... I don't know. I couldn't even figure out how to explain it to my grandma back then. I knew deep down it was wrong before it even happened, but it was like I just couldn't stop myself. I can still feel exactly how that felt, honestly. It's a weird thing to hold onto.

I think I can explain it differently today... maybe even better, if that makes sense. It’s hard to put into words, really. I felt like... I don't know, like it’s 5:00 AM and you’re staring down that last line of cocaine, knowing full well you should have quit hours ago because you have to be at the office by 8:00, but you just... you can't help yourself. You're stuck. That was exactly how I felt—back when I was only four years old.

Looking back at my childhood, I was always such a quiet kid, you know? Really introverted. I didn't feel this constant need to be the center of attention or anything like that—I was perfectly fine just doing my own thing, playing by myself. I was a pretty peaceful child, I guess. Well, mostly. Except for those moments when I’d see a specific toy or something I really wanted... then all hell would break loose. I’d just start crying, and sometimes it would go on for days. I’d sit there having these intense little fantasies about getting revenge on my parents for being so mean about it, or whatever. It sounds silly now, but back then, it felt huge. And looking back further, I actually had a lot of trouble sleeping. I didn't even realize it was a problem at the time, though. I just spent so many nights lying awake, just... lost in thought, wondering about everything and nothing at all.

I started getting into coding later on in life. I’d have these stretches—maybe a month or two—where I was just totally obsessed. Intense programming, barely sleeping, basically guessing my way through my basic responsibilities and stuff... I guess you could call it mania, but it wasn't really that. It was more like this intense hyperfocus. At the same time, I was perfectly fine just sitting quietly all day in class, maybe not even feeling motivated enough to strike up a conversation with anyone else. But yeah, I struggled to actually finish projects... I also dealt with these periods of total, complete demotivation. Looking back, I just felt ashamed, like I was being lazy. I’d just lie there staring at the TV for days, or even weeks. My head would feel so heavy, and I just didn't have the energy to move. Most of the time, during those lows, I’d try to find ways to skip school entirely.

I mean, I’ve always been pretty sharp, you know? School was never really a struggle for me when it came to grades. I could actually focus on what needed to be done, even if I didn't always feel like it. I breezed through middle school and high school with basically zero effort, and I was always entering all those academic competitions and stuff. But even back then, this one massive problem started creeping up on me—procrastination. Just... leaving everything until the absolute last second. It’s hard to explain. Maybe it's just a lack of willpower? Or maybe I just find something else more interesting to do... or maybe it's just this constant, underlying anxiety... I don't know. Anyway, things are a bit messy right now. Like, I haven't paid my utility bills in three months, even though I actually have the money sitting there. I just wait until they’re about to shut everything off. And the interest rates... man, the interest is killing me. It's the same deal with my business. All my reports are late, which means I can't get payroll sorted out on time. So then two months of salaries pile up at once, and my accountant is constantly breathing down my neck and losing it... It’s just... yeah. Everything is just so hard.

I mean, looking back on everything... I guess I’ve just been hooked on pretty much everything that officially falls under the "addiction" umbrella. It’s been a lot. Like, honestly? It was everything—porn, masturbation, endless hours of gaming, those late-night chats, hanging out on forums... then there was the weed, smoking, speed, cocaine, all of it. Just a constant cycle, I suppose.

So, I’ve been thinking... and I think I finally realized what my other "addictions" actually are. It's kind of weird, I guess. Like, I get caught up daydreaming about stuff that actually interests me, or just really deep-diving into things I want to achieve—just constant mental looping. And when I can't get a decent night's sleep, or if life gets messy, or whatever, I end up using this forum as a sort of crutch. Just browsing, talking about anything and everything... it becomes a way to cope, maybe? And honestly, I think I can become addicted to a person, too... (but that's a whole other story...)

My life just feels like this constant cycle of intense—sometimes totally unrealistic—desires, followed by these massive disappointments... though I guess there are successes too, occasionally. But honestly? There’s usually nothing much in between. It’s just this heavy, deep lack of motivation, like I'm just dragging myself through the days. Everything feels so difficult, and I just... I can't seem to find any joy in anything anymore.

I don't really remember things well. Honestly, I have this feeling that it’s not even about having trouble with "focus"... it’s more like my memory just isn't there. Like, if I'm working toward some massive goal—a huge payoff—I find myself just trying to "fast-forward" through everything else to get to that moment. I can't really enjoy life until I actually hit that big milestone; all those little smaller wins? They just feel irrelevant to me. And they don't even stick in my head. Even when people around me are talking, my mind is already drifting toward the end goal. It doesn't have to be anything heavy, like drugs or anything... maybe it's just a game project I'm coding, or even just an idea about getting my health back on track. But yeah, that's how it goes. I barely remember the people I meet, let alone their names. Events don't really stick, either. Most of the time, I guess I'm just not even truly present... which makes it impossible to remember anything. I frequently just zone out mid-conversation because I'm stuck in my own head thinking about something else. Then, suddenly, someone starts asking me questions and I realize I've completely checked out.

So, for the last few years, I’ve been dealing with this intense stress at work, and then there was the whole stress of letting down someone you really care about—which, in my case, is basically an automatic source of a massive dopamine hit... It hasn't been easy, honestly, trying to manage my mental state while everything was spiraling, especially with the job pressure on top of it all. Just a million symptoms of depression and stuff like that... anyway, while I was trying to fix things, I noticed how much food affects me, so I switched to a high-fat diet, cut out carbs completely, and slashed my protein intake significantly. And within just a day or two, my first hypomania kicked in.

It was probably the best I've ever felt in my life. Motivated, wanting to tackle every problem, wanting to hang out with people, talk, listen to what everyone had to say. I had a mountain of ideas, didn't have any trouble sleeping (not more than usual, really) but I’d wake up feeling totally rested. My memory was sharp; I could hold complex concepts in my head so easily—they weren't even something I had to "hold," they were just... there. For those month or two, I crushed everything at work and got so much done. Everything was great, and then, one day, out of nowhere, right after eating some spinach and having smoked some weed, I just collapsed on the couch. I laid there for two days with a body temp of 96 degrees (I actually went to see a doctor about my kidneys afterward because my temperature was so low), and then I just slowly recovered day by day... it was obviously a total crash into depression...

Still, maybe that was the most important thing that ever happened to me, because for the first time, I realized I don't *have* to feel this way and that this isn't "normal."

And yeah, that's pretty much it...

But looking at the stories here, it seems like what haunts me most in life is basically the exact same thing that plagues the ADHD population—specifically the ones who aren't hyperactive.

Then again, considering I managed to trigger a hypomanic episode despite some pretty heavy circumstances, it might turn out I'm actually bipolar.

Most likely, it’s all basically the same thing—a deficiency in the dopaminergic system. The genetic candidates for both disorders are practically identical and they all revolve around the dopaminergic system (coding for receptors, transporters, or enzymes). Both conditions are extremely prone to "self-medicating" with drugs—for obvious reasons.

Right now, I'm seeing a psychiatrist who isn't a huge fan of pharmacology; she tries to solve my issues through therapy instead.

I'm convinced my problems are hardwired and permanent, that I was born an addict, and that the only real therapy is a lifelong dependency on meds that force dopamine (though I'd want to try Wellbutrin/bupropion first). Psychotherapy can be an add-on, but it shouldn't be the first line of defense...

What do you guys think? How do I explain this to my doctor, and do you think I'm actually onto something?

Sorry for the long post, and thanks.

Frank Lewis3 said:Greetings. I’ve been conducting a sort of personal retrospective since my freshman year of college, primarily because I’ve sensed a persistent misalignment in my interpersonal relationships. I am looking for some perspectives here. Perhaps this falls under the realm of psychology, so feel free to approach it from whatever angle you see fit. It will likely be a lengthy reflection, so read at your own discretion.

I suppose one must start with childhood. Growing up, I was never presented with a positive model of how things should work, and there were certainly traumas involved, which I suspect lies at the heart of my current struggles. It is easy enough to rationalize these things once you reach adulthood, isn't it? But when you are just a kid, nothing makes sense—not the why, nor the how. Because of that environment, I never felt comfortable discussing emotions or anything deeply personal; instead, I spent my energy finding ways to escape that domestic reality and find some semblance of peace. I threw myself into academics and sports—anything to stay active and distracted. Even then, I could tell my anxieties were different from my peers, though I still managed to fit in.

Now, as I approach the end of my degree, I realize I haven't moved much further from that mindset. While people generally accept me, I don't engage in any profound connections. I tend to avoid deep social circles, or rather, I navigate them with a sort of half-professional detachment before retreating back into my own world.

To be honest, I haven't reached a definitive conclusion. Is it that I lack emotions entirely? I don't believe that's the case. Have I simply avoided feeling them for so long that this numbness has become my baseline? Or is it possible that some people are just fundamentally wired this way, and that is simply the end of the matter?

Regarding women, I always held onto the naive idea that "the right one" would eventually arrive. Today, however, I am not even certain if I am searching for anything at all. It isn't that I am actively avoiding it, but rather that I have no idea what I want—or if I even want anything. In an era where everything seems to revolve around superficial drama and who is sleeping with whom, I find I have zero desire to even experiment, especially when I haven't even mastered the fundamentals of my own being. How can I possibly suggest to someone that we "try holding hands" when I am still trying to figure out if I even enjoy the sensation?

I am at a loss for what else to say...

Sounds familiar to me. Are you being too hard on yourself? That’s not an easy question. I mean, do you have an exaggerated sense of responsibility, a heavy conscience, or lots of self-criticism? Are you always hyper-aware of yourself in every situation? Do you struggle to process your surroundings because you're too preoccupied with yourself within them? Do you find team sports harder? Does your head ever ring? Do certain fabric textures irritate you easily? Do you just prefer being alone with your own thoughts?

Gregory Taylor69 said:Everything in my life up until now—the years, the highs, the lows—seemed to move along steadily. Things just passed on their own, and I kept moving forward. But after this recent event, I couldn't find my footing. I built my entire world around one person, and I simply couldn't handle the breakup. I ended up alone in the silence of my room, and my thoughts eventually burned me out. I haven't hurt anyone or myself, even though the urge to end it all was incredibly strong. Losing her felt like my whole world collapsed, and I honestly don't know how to explain some of this. The only place I feel secure is in my bed. I don't hear voices when I'm alone. Physically, I feel completely drained, like I’ve been through a war. My head hums constantly; there’s this electrical sensation whenever I sit down and then stand up or turn my head. Nothing feels certain anymore. Absolutely nothing. Throughout all of this, I just stayed silent, wondering what was happening to me. I am fully aware of everything, even though I feel like screaming. All I plan to do is schedule a private MRI for my brain in a few days. If they tell me everything is fine, I will see a psychiatrist. I realize that the lump in my throat, the sweating, and the shaking are symptoms of anxiety, but that moment when I looked at my hand and felt certain it wasn't mine... I can't explain that. I would be happiest if no one touched me for ten years so I could just sit in my room by myself. But that isn't living. Still, I feel like running until I pass out or just starting to scream. I simply cannot trust my emotions. I can't get angry, I can't feel joy, I can't feel anything. I am not sure of anything.

I've experienced perceiving my own body as something foreign, even while I could still control it—from using ketamine. I've also had a total out-of-body experience and a near-death experience (even though I wasn't actually in mortal danger).
The state you're in is probably a result of blocked NMDA receptors (those are the ones people mess with using ecstasy to feel that sense of love, trust, and connection with others). When their signal shuts off completely, consciousness basically "unplugs" from your actual self.

Ketamine is used as an anesthetic, anyway (because of those "hallucinogenic" effects, it hasn't been used much on humans for a long time, though they still use it on animals). Its anesthetic effect is actually attributed to specifically separating consciousness from the body.

It sounds like you're suffering from "separation depression." Since you likely went through a really intense initiation (you mentioned you didn't detach, but reading this, the psychological fallout seems pretty obvious to me).
You became dependent on your girlfriend and that specific feeling you get when you're with her. And I've been there too. I couldn't sleep at night unless she was with me, for various reasons. I couldn't think, work, or even hang out with anyone else... because I fell in love while in a very, very depressed state, which leads to affective addiction.

Basically, you just need to become aware of what's happening to you so you can recover. You've gone through a heavy emotional depression to the point where your NMDA receptors have hit total darkness.

In my opinion, this isn't schizophrenia or anything like that.

I'm no psychiatrist, by the way. But I think I'm hitting the nail on the head here.

To start with, maybe try helping yourself with some herbal stuff (like Valerian root, maybe 2-3 pills a day), or maybe some ginseng or ginkgo... and just try to understand the mechanics of how you broke yourself down.
The feelings you're having are just the chemical backdrop, the stage upon which your conscious thoughts play out. Your subconscious is trying to run the show, telling you whatever it wants. But the subconscious can be sick; it can want things that are bad for you in the long run. Your conscious mind has to recognize that. It's all just pure chemistry. Just realize that. Realize it even when you feel love. Understand that love is also just chemistry. Don't idealize it into something divine, because it's just a "feeling." A feeling is chemistry. It's nothing special, nothing sacred.

It sounds a little bit like one of those self-help books, I guess, but I haven't really seen anyone actually try to tackle their problems this way before. For my own analytical brain... well, everything feels a bit more muted once I realize that all these feelings are basically just chemistry. Just chemicals, maybe, accidentally spilled across the brain because of some subconscious glitch or something.

Gregory Taylor69 said:Everything in my life up until now—the years, the highs, the lows—seemed to move along steadily. Things just passed on their own, and I kept moving forward. But after this recent event, I couldn't find my footing. I built my entire world around one person, and I simply couldn't handle the breakup. I ended up alone in the silence of my room, and my thoughts eventually burned me out. I haven't hurt anyone or myself, even though the urge to end it all was incredibly strong. Losing her felt like my whole world collapsed, and I honestly don't know how to explain some of this. The only place I feel secure is in my bed. I don't hear voices when I'm alone. Physically, I feel completely drained, like I’ve been through a war. My head hums constantly; there’s this electrical sensation whenever I sit down and then stand up or turn my head. Nothing feels certain anymore. Absolutely nothing. Throughout all of this, I just stayed silent, wondering what was happening to me. I am fully aware of everything, even though I feel like screaming. All I plan to do is schedule a private MRI for my brain in a few days. If they tell me everything is fine, I will see a psychiatrist. I realize that the lump in my throat, the sweating, and the shaking are symptoms of anxiety, but that moment when I looked at my hand and felt certain it wasn't mine... I can't explain that. I would be happiest if no one touched me for ten years so I could just sit in my room by myself. But that isn't living. Still, I feel like running until I pass out or just starting to scream. I simply cannot trust my emotions. I can't get angry, I can't feel joy, I can't feel anything. I am not sure of anything.

I’ve experienced that feeling where your body feels like a stranger, even while you're still in control of it—from using ketamine. I've also had those full out-of-body experiences and near-death experiences, even though I wasn't actually in any physical danger.
It sounds like what's happening is a result of blocked NMDA receptors (those are the ones people mess with when they use Ecstasy to try and feel that sense of love, trust, and connection with others). When that signal completely shuts off, consciousness just... detaches itself from you.

Ketamine is used as an anesthetic, anyway (because of those "hallucinogenic" effects, it hasn't been used much on humans for a long time, though it is used on animals). That anesthetic effect is actually attributed to the way it separates consciousness from the body.

Maybe you're suffering from "separation depression." Because you probably went through a really intense initiation—you said you didn't detach, but reading this, it seems pretty clear to me what kind of psychological fallout is coming.
You became dependent on your girlfriend and that specific feeling you got when you were with her. I've been there too. I couldn't sleep at night unless she was with me, for whatever reason. I couldn't think, work, or hang out with anyone else... because I fell in love while I was in a deeply depressed state, and the result is this kind of emotional addiction.

Anyway, just try to become aware of what's happening so you can recover. You went through a heavy emotional depression that hit the level of total darkness at the NMDA receptors.

In my opinion, this isn't schizophrenia or anything like that.

I'm no psychiatrist, by the way. But I think I'm hitting the nail on the head here.

Either go to a psychiatrist or try to deal with it yourself—you can handle it... especially once you understand the actual, no-nonsense physical mechanisms of how the brain works, rather than all that self-help nonsense. (Though, I guess once you understand the actual biology, you realize most self-help advice actually makes sense; we just don't trust it because it's usually written like a Hare Krishna pamphlet or something.)

To start with, maybe try taking some St. John's Wort, like maybe two or three tablets a day... and other supplements. I'd probably suggest glutamate too, though I haven't read a ton about NMDA receptors or that whole thing specifically...

Maybe try leaning on a little bit of chemistry, you know? Like, just getting a better handle on how those mental mechanisms actually work inside your head... and then maybe, just maybe, you can find a way through it.

Maria Fisher46 said:Hi there,

Regarding those questions about anemia... I mean, you definitely aren't anemic. If you were, your hemoglobin levels would be low, but yours aren't. So, yeah, I guess that's pretty straightforward.

That's exactly what I was thinking too, but honestly, I went ahead and grabbed some iron supplements anyway. I guess I'll just kind of power through with them until I run out, just to be safe... you know? Just in case.

Another thing is that trying to gauge your iron stores isn't really about just looking at your serum iron levels. I mean, measuring iron concentration itself isn't exactly the best way to go about it because, honestly, those values can swing all over the place throughout the day depending on so many different factors. It’s kind of all over the map, I guess. So, if you actually want to see how much iron you've got tucked away in your reserves, checking your ferritin levels is probably a much better indicator of where you truly stand.

So, about that MPV thing... basically, MPV is just shorthand for mean platelet volume, which is essentially how big your platelets are. It’s a pretty important number when someone is dealing with actual platelet disorders, but since your total platelet count is totally normal, I guess a tiny little deviation in their size doesn't really carry much weight here. It probably doesn't mean anything special at all, honestly.

So, regarding those morning cortisol levels... if you're seeing numbers that are hovering right near the upper limit—or maybe even pushing slightly past it—during the early hours, but then things settle back down into a totally normal range by the afternoon, it might be a sign. I guess it could point toward being under a lot of stress. Maybe? It just seems like that pattern could indicate your body is reacting to something.

Hey there! Hope you're doing well. 🙂

When I’m having one of those bad days—and honestly, they happen pretty often—it’s mostly just my head. It's like, mentally, I only feel somewhat positive or even remotely normal between 9:00 PM and 11:00 PM. I guess that lines up perfectly with when cortisol levels are supposed to hit their lowest point in the day? Anyway, I managed to get my thyroid numbers back into a normal range, at least according to the lab work, so now I’m starting to doubt if high cortisol is actually the culprit after all... maybe I was looking at the wrong thing.

Thanks!

RBC 5.14 ( o ) 10e12/L 4.34 - 5.72
(vK) hemoglobin 148 ( o ) g/L 138 - 175
(vK) hematocrit 0.439 ( o ) 0.415 - 0.530
(vK) MCV 85.4 (o ) fL 83.0 - 97.0
(vK) MCH 28.8 ( o ) pg 27.4 - 33.9
(vK) MCHC 337 ( o ) g/L 320 - 345
(vK) RBC distribution 13.9 ( o) % 9.0 - 15.0
(vK) platelets 210 (o ) 10e9/L 158 - 424
(vK) MPV 11.5 ( ) > fL 6.8 - 10.4
(vK) WBC 5.7 ( o ) 10e9/L 3.4 - 9.7
(vK) neutrophils 52.9 ( o ) % 44.0 - 72.0
(vK) # 3.00 ( o ) 10e9/L 2.06 - 6.49
(vK) lymphocytes 34.6 ( o ) % 20.0 - 46.0
(vK) # 1.96 ( o ) 10e9/L 1.19 - 3.35
(vK) monocytes 9.7 ( o ) % 2.0-12.0
(vK) # 0.55 ( o ) 10e9/L 0.12 - 0.84
(vK) eosinophils 2.6 ( o ) % 0.0-7.0
(vK) # 0.15 ( o ) 10e9/L 0.00 - 0.43
(vK) basophils 0.2 (o ) % 0.0-1.0
(vK) # 0.01 (o ) 10e9/L 0.00 - 0.06
Reference intervals according to: "Harmonization of Lab Results in General Medical Biochemistry" HKMB Commission and Ref. Center
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Washington, D.C., 2004.
BIOCHEMISTRY
parameter RESULT
value graphical display unit reference interval
(S) sodium 139 ( o ) mmol/L 137 - 146
(S) iron 11 (o ) μmol/L 11 - 32

My sodium was low last time, so I wanted to check it again.
Iron is still sitting at 11 since the last test... and my MPV is high... I wonder if there's anything to be made of that? My CRP is almost zero, by the way. So, iron is low, but am I actually anemic? All the other values related to anemia look okay, I guess? Also, could Hashimoto's be responsible for the MPV?

I'm still taking thyroid hormones; I managed to get my TSH down to 0.97, but T4 and T3 are still on the lower end of the range...

My morning cortisol was 530 again. That's the fourth time in two or three months where it's hit the upper limit. On top of that, DHEA-S has been elevated every single time too. Maybe I should get an MRI, or at least an ultrasound of my adrenal glands and abdomen? Since I've been suspecting a hormonal issue this whole time... and honestly, those energy crashes I've been having feel like they're definitely coming from the adrenals rather than the thyroid (or maybe a mix of both), because the thyroid can't just wreck you in 10 minutes. But the adrenals? They can seriously knock you sideways in like 5 to 10 minutes flat.