When I first saw a girl dealing with bulimia, I honestly had no clue what to say... I just stared at her like she was some kind of unsolvable mystery... and the words just wouldn't come out. I think what shocked him most was the fact that we were living together and he hadn't even noticed... that I’d been lying to his face this whole time. And then there was the whole "punch in the face" moment?? I don't know... I basically told him if he thought hitting me was going to fix her, he should go ahead and do it. He told me that wasn't his intention at all. All in all.... Man... sending love to everyone. 👋
thanks so much... THANKS EVERYONE.... Things with my boyfriend are fine now (he even brought me some cookies last night)... which just proves he still hasn't quite grasped what happened... oh yeah... I stopped by his brother and sister-in-law's place this morning. You guys should have seen their faces... The second I saw them, I knew he’d told them everything... I just knew... They didn't know what to say to me... and I didn't know what to say to them... so we just ended up standing there in the rain, making small talk about how crappy the weather was before I headed out just to save them from the awkwardness... It sucks feeling like they're looking at me differently... I can feel it... And as for my body... it's just... exhausted right now... Creating stuff?? Right now I'm just painting gear yellow... 😉 and I'm not studying... I just can't... 👋
First off, Doc (my girl)... I went over to her place and just sat down... So she asks me what’s wrong. I just sit there. Total silence. It was like my mouth had been welded shut or someone poured concrete in it. Honestly, I just started counting the floor tiles to pass the time. She keeps asking me about it. Honestly, I can barely get a word out. It’s tough to say... And I just started crying. I barely even got the words out before I told her... The very first thing she asked was if that’s even what I wanted. Wait, what?? Really??? Are you kidding me? Alright... let me tell you how this whole thing actually started. First, it was purging just to drop the weight. Then, it turned into purging every now and then just to stay at a certain number. Eventually, it just became purging because I couldn't stop. After we talked for about 45 minutes, she looked me right in the eye and told me, "We’re going to fight this together. We can get through this, but only if we keep checking in with each other constantly. Just keep calling me and come over to my place." That was exactly what I needed at that moment. And honestly, you have to give the guy credit... We agreed to meet up at 7:00 PM since we hadn't seen each other in days. Then he rolls in at 7:20. I just lost it. Honestly, I can't even pinpoint the exact reason why I snapped, but everything just felt off. A series of small things spiraled into a massive argument. I ended up telling him that I couldn't even remember the last time he actually asked how I was doing. It’s like he just doesn't notice when something is wrong with me. I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling well, and once I started talking, I completely lost my train of thought. All I can say is his reaction was awful. He reacted exactly how I feared he would—acting like he has absolutely no clue about my struggle with bulimia and just being dismissive about it all. I’ll just list a few of his statements here. You're just overthinking it. I'm sure it isn't actually that bad. Is there actually any science behind that? (Yeah, right.) I’m taking you out for some burgers right now. You're gonna eat every single bite, and I am definitely not letting you take a bathroom break until we're finished. I'm gonna have to clock you right in the forehead just to knock those stupid ideas out of your head. Are you actually lying to me right now? You’re out of your mind. So, are you telling me you’re actually throwing up every single time after you just finish a massive, delicious meal? So you're actually trying to tell me that this is all my fault? Now you’re just going to nitpick everything I say and throw it back in my face. I’m honestly in shock. What can I even say? So, what now? Did you end up throwing out that pizza after we went out the other night? I honestly don't even know what else to tell you guys... He was absolutely floored... He didn't mean what he actually said... but that still wasn't the right way to handle it. So I finally just laid it out for him. I told him straight up that in the hour and a half we spent talking, he didn't even give me a single hug or tell me things were going to be okay. Just nothing. And when I finally said it... he didn't even hug me. He just sat there, dead silent. Once he finally snapped out of it, he just pulled me into a hug. Then he started grilling me—asking why I didn't just tell him, why I lied, and why on earth I was doing this to him...??!!! And then he actually had the nerve to ask when I'm heading up to NYC, acting like he’s gonna tag along with me... I told him I’d just go on my own since there’s no way he's getting any time off work... He called five times today. Seriously. Just checking in to see if I’d eaten, what I was up to, if anything hurt... you get the idea. Total hovering. He told me he loved me right before he walked out of the room this morning... He spent five minutes last night giving us this whole lecture about the doctor... just kept saying, "I can't believe that actually happened to you." And honestly, the absolute worst part? I think Mom finally caught on... We headed out to San Francisco on Tuesday. I packed these pants that fit me perfectly, but by the time we got back on Friday, Mary was giving me a hard time. She actually asked me what kind of pants I was wearing, saying they looked way too big on me and just didn't sit right. I said some of them were just old... Since she’s feeling pretty under the weather right now, she’s just staying home. She noticed I haven't been eating much and actually told me I look like I've lost weight over the last few days. I managed to dodge the whole thing by making up some excuse about my aunt being sick and how I was busy hosting everyone, so I didn't get a chance to eat. I just played the "I'm exhausted from the trip" card so she wouldn't dig any deeper... worked like a charm. There’s a chance she saw the referral slip, though. It was sitting right there on my desk. She was really pushing me to eat lunch today, but honestly, I’d already knocked back four glasses before sitting down... so I wasn't exactly starving. I ended up just having some salad and a bit of sharp cheddar. I’m actually dying over here. This plain old green salad is killing me. If this is what I'm dealing with now, I can only imagine the absolute chaos when the steak finally hits the table. So much... Heading to NYC next week. Just checking in... Oh, yeah... one more thing... So, I headed out to some local pub today with a buddy. We grab a seat, and I start getting all settled in, just trying to get comfortable, when suddenly I hear this loud, nasty creak from the chair. Before I can even react, I stand up and the whole damn thing just collapses right under me. Total disaster. Do I even have to tell you guys what kind of disaster just went down? Seriously. Total disaster!!! Mary... I told him exactly what his mother had been saying... Look, she didn't mean it like that. She didn't even say it like that. Honestly. I honestly almost lost my cool right then and there... he just completely shut me down... Now let’s see if he actually steps up... if he can prove himself... Because I am done giving second chances around here.... It's been way too much lately... dealing with everyone... and everything.... Seriously, enough is enough.
I'm heading to Washington, D.C. this Thursday to see a specialist... then I have my regular doctor on Friday... I'll tell her... In my relationship, I'm definitely the one in charge... I'm dominant in everything I do—college, work, home... it's just how I am... I'm always there, I always have something to say, people naturally gravitate toward me, they come to me for answers... and it's the exact same way with my partner... Things usually go my way because I make sure they do... The other night, I told him that I, Terry, practically died from bulimia. He actually looked at me and asked what that even was. I started explaining it’s an eating disorder, how someone vomits everything they eat because they're terrified, and how they live in constant fear of gaining weight. I paused for just a second to catch my breath, and he used that tiny gap to ask, "Do you think this hangnail on my finger is going to fall off by itself?" I completely froze... Screw your hangnail... Screw him... Last night I was over at his place, just lying there watching TV. My head was absolutely pounding because I hadn't eaten a single thing all day—I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Then he comes in, hugs me, and suggests we go grab dinner. I told him no, and he goes, "I bet you haven't eaten all day." I admitted I hadn't, and once he realized, he basically forced me to go. I sat down at the table, the tears just started flowing, and I told him to stop pushing me because I couldn't do it, and I didn't want to get fat. His response? He said one sandwich wasn't going to make me gain weight... Yeah, right... dream on... One night we were out and he saw some overweight guy and made a comment about how huge he was. I told him it doesn't matter, being heavy doesn't mean someone isn't a good person. He insisted it was terrible to look at, so I asked him how he could have loved me back when I was heavier. He just looked at me and said, "Where would I get the idea that I love you?" I told him... "Well, you must have imagined it"... He was just joking... Because he loves me endlessly... or maybe he's just so used to me he can't move on... I don't know.... Anyway... I'll check back in on Thursday and Friday... With updates from the doctors... Kisses to everyone....THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT!!!!
I’ve actually told him a few times already—back when we were living together, I was the one doing the cooking, and he preferred it that way but it just feels wrong to me. Like, if I get home from college and make myself a meal, but then he walks in after work and has to scramble to cook for himself... I totally get where everyone is coming from... but... Eventually, we're bound to butt heads about it... I honestly have no clue how we'll make this whole thing work... it'll probably just figure itself out somehow... 😉 See, you just don't know until you have someone constantly getting under your skin or messing with you... 😉👋
I ask my sweet guy how his day was every single day. And he always says fine... Honestly, I don't even think he realizes I'm asking because I actually care... The question has become such a... thing that... well, it’s a good thing it hasn't turned into a total cliché yet... But I have something way more important to get off my chest... The night before last, we're having dinner and I tell him he really needs to stop eating all those sausages, fries, BBQ, fried chicken, and all that junk. I told him we need to start eating healthy because if I keep eating like this, I'm going to gain weight. His response? He just said he doesn't like healthy food and he isn't going to eat it. I told him that *I* need it and that I can't possibly cook two different meals every single day because I just don't have the time. Then he goes, "I'm not eating grass, fish, and all that crap." So I asked him if he'd ever change his mind if he knew it would help me, since I don't feel great eating this garbage. He just looked at me and said, "Cook whatever you want for yourself, I'm eating what tastes good to me." I WAS SPEECHLESS!!! Is this really the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with??? The one who won't even consider changing his crappy eating habits for my sake???!!! I'm still mad (it's been three days now) and I just can't help myself....
So, yesterday... I’m sitting in my classroom... just waiting for the professor to show up... sandwich in one hand, juice right in front of me... Then this colleague walks in (she looks at least 15 pounds thinner than she did last week) and I just sit there... staring... silent... Finally, I get up and pull her aside for a second... look her straight in the eyes... (Her eyes were just like mine... totally hollow) I'm standing there and nothing comes out... I can barely squeeze out the words to tell her she needs to stop... The first thing she says to me is, "I can't... I'll just gain weight..." "I know, I feel the exact same way," I told her. She just kept talking... wouldn't stop... and I was thinking to myself, *man, she's so lost.* Then the professor walked in. I went back to my seat and just replayed the whole thing in my head... Checking off all the symptoms of her behavior... And mine, too... We're exactly the same... Both of us are sick... I told her she should see a doctor... she said she would (yeah, right... as if) And you want to know the most tragic part??? I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY TO HER.???? I couldn't find the words... What are you supposed to say to someone who has a brain just like mine?? To someone who just treats food like a hole they fill up, only to empty it again, just so the hole doesn't get any bigger?? Other than "go to a doctor"...??!! And honestly, I get it... I saw her today... walking with her head down... staring at the pavement... (a few days ago I got an email from a friend saying they don't even see anyone on the street anymore because I'm always looking at the ground when I walk... missed a friend because I didn't even look up to say hi) So yeah, I'm looking at the floor too... And it looks terrible... She looks awful... her face, her hair, her exhausted body... her skin... her teeth... Then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realize I look exactly the same... Last night... I'm lying in bed... all alone... My guy is busy doing his usual thing (thank God he isn't some player... honestly, I think I'd eat myself alive if I didn't know where he was or what he was doing, or if I couldn't see the results of his work) 😉)) And I'm thinking... how am I even supposed to tell him?? How can I, when it's been over a month since he even asked how I was doing??? I'm actually mad at him... that he doesn't see what's happening to me... That he doesn't ask how I am??? If he just showed a little bit of attention, I'd tell him in a heartbeat... But no... he has to work... From 8 to 4, then from 4 to half-past 4 he's at his brother's house... until late at night... And then what??? Today... I'm driving a friend to campus and we're talking... she told me things she clearly hasn't told anyone else... I could tell she felt safe enough to open up to me... We're sitting outside a professor's office and I start talking, and suddenly the tears just start flowing... I just stop... She asks me, "What's wrong?" But I can't... I just can't say it... So I start rambling about random stuff... Nobody knows about this... Nobody even suspects anything... Even the person living in the same house as me has no clue... I lie to everyone... I sort of hinted at it and then headed to my consultation... I walk out of the office, go to my workout, and then hit the dining hall (the good old cafeteria) And what else am I going to eat besides lasagna and ice cream??!!! So I eat... I finish everything... and we head home... Halfway there, she asks me if I'll finally tell her what's going on... And I start stalling again... it won't come out... Then I finally blurts it out: "I have bulimia." She goes, "Excuse me? Jesus Christ!" (I thought to myself... yeah, He's not gonna help me here) "You??" "You have that???" "You, who are so perfect at everything?" "Who seems to have it all together?" "Who everybody loves?" She never would have suspected... Never... she would never have pinned bulimia on me... I didn't know what to say to her... And neither did she... She just kept saying she couldn't believe it... Then she remembered the lasagna and the ice cream... asked me if the lasagna and ice cream ended up in the toilet?? I told her they did... And she just couldn't wrap her head around it... I drove her home... showed her some pages from a book... gave her some Polly's crackers to read through and then went out with her again into town... on the way, we ran into her dad who had bought some bananas... and he asks me if I've eaten and if I want some bananas for us? She gives me this look, and I take two... And we keep going... She says, "You didn't tell him you already ate..." I explain to her... that I did eat... but that... We run into a friend and he hands us some candy, and I watch her watching me, wondering what I'll do with it... I just unwrap it, pop it in my mouth, and eat it... and we keep walking, and then she asks, "What are you doing with the candy?" I just laughed... told her I'd just leave it, it's not that high in calories... And then she told me how she watches my every move now... how she can't help herself... and told me not to be mad at her... I’m not even mad. Honestly, I know everyone in the cafeteria is going to be staring at me, waiting to see if I actually lose it and run to the restroom to throw up... But I won't... Because she’s right there with me. Always... We grew up together... How am I doing?? No clue... I'm scared... Not really sure what of... I just feel... Strange... I still can't believe I actually admitted this out loud to someone... It's a lot... Xoxo... Thanks to Kevin White5 enough for that one... :klap: Seriously though, when am I ever going to stop using these little emojis? 🙂 🤮 🙂 ???? Love you guys...
I'm heading to the doctor on April 1st once my... and I'll tell her... (I can already see her face, asking things like, "Are you sure?" or "How many times a day are you throwing up?")😳 But I'm going... because... this isn't living.🙂 I'll check back in later... then you'll finally get a firsthand look at how bulimia actually gets treated... straight from the source.
I finally made it to the doctor's today. I actually worked up the nerve and even dragged a friend along for support... but turns out she was seeing a different specialist, so I just called it quits. My regular doctor is back on the first, so I'll just wait until then... And man, it took everything I had to get myself there... So yeah... I really tried my best... Sending love to everyone
nimbledriver81... look, I know nothing is actually rotting away... I'm just kidding... honestly, I feel like things are stagnating just because I haven't been getting out much. 😉 And then there's my boyfriend's mom... man, if she were just crazy, it would be fine. It could work. But when you mix that with her other traits? She becomes totally unbearable... I always tell you it's better to go with the flow than to fight it, but... see, you idiot... they'd rather fight it every single time... Back when I was a little kid playing tennis, I used to look at this one girl and think she was the ideal. She was about 5'5" and maybe 140 pounds, and I thought she was just perfect. So cute, a little bit of a tummy, healthy looking—not some walking skeleton... Now, I'm even thinner than she was, and I'm really not feeling it... 😕 👋 Everything is going to turn out fine...
My boyfriend doesn't have bulimia, but his relationship with food is definitely broken... Nothing tastes good to him. He eats just because he has to. He’s always saying it would be perfect if someone just invented a pill he could swallow so he wouldn't have to deal with it. To him, eating and food are just a massive waste of time and money... He’s incredibly thin and sometimes goes the entire day without eating anything at all, even though he's constantly working... I honestly think the issue stems from his home life. He still lives with his mom, and she was always nagging him about how fat she was or how she needed to go on a diet... blah blah blah. I think she drilled it into his head that being overweight is ugly. He actually tells me during conversations that he doesn't like fat people... I don't know... He's a strange guy... And as weird as it sounds... I think he might understand... It would probably take him at least a week to realize what I'm talking about, but... it's worth a shot... I'll definitely tell him... As for OCD... I studied that back in college. I don't think I have the disorder (I'm pretty sure)... I just think I've become way too much of a perfectionist... If someone had told me a year ago that my room would be spotless and that I'd be cleaning constantly, I would have called them crazy. Until recently, I was literally shoving piles of stuff through my doorway because they were all over the floor. You couldn't tell where the bed ended and the desk began. Clothes were hanging out of the closet, and I was keeping my flip-flops in a drawer... absolute chaos. Or what people call "creative clutter"... Then, once all this started happening... My own mess started bothering me, and dammit... now I'm cleaning everything. I'm tidying up... Look, it's not that I'm disgusted by dishes—if I'm the one washing them—it's just that I want everything to shine, so I just throw them in the dishwasher... ---I'm not studying anything related to nutrition, except for the dining hall at my college where I basically go to war with the manager. He's been serving the exact same menu for four years straight, and there's nothing normal to eat... That's the only connection between my college and food. 😉 🤮 I'll send you a DM about what I'm studying... Oh yeah... I almost forgot... Some guests dropped by today... an aunt of my dad's... and her daughter is a well-known news anchor on NBC. She looks at me and says, "I see you've got a little belly," and I just laughed and said, "Better this than being skin and bones." Then she tells me her son-in-law told his wife to hide her fat and not show it off because it isn't pretty (and apparently, she has a bit of a belly too, just like me). It wouldn't even be that weird if it weren't for the fact that this guy—the son-in-law—is some famous psychiatrist with his own private clinic, and I was actually thinking about going to see him... Yeah... as if... Crossed out... I just feel like I want to 🙂 🙂 go... Man, guys... this food stuff is killing me...🤮
Hey Brandon Newman95... 1. I really feel like admitting to myself that I went headfirst into bulimia was a huge step... 2. Regarding my little circle and all the gossip... Honestly, nothing can get under my skin anymore. About four months ago, people basically tried to bury me alive with some insane rumor that I’d locked myself indoors and only just started seeing people again. They were even whispering that I’d contracted an STD from some guy I was hanging out with—which was total nonsense because I barely even spoke to the guy on the street once. And for the record, he doesn't even have anything; people are just jealous because he's loaded and drives around town in fancy cars or whatever. The whole thing started because some guy wanted to be with me, I turned him down, and he decided to get even... believe me, if I survived that, some more chatter about bulimia is 0 nothing compared to the nightmare I already overcame 🙂 🙂 I just don't care what people say anymore... because in this country, everyone just loves to talk... 3. My boyfriend doesn't seem to mind my weight (he was right there with me when I was 175 lbs)... but I think he would understand, I just don't know how to even bring it up to him and... man... it's just not that easy... It's my little secret that nobody knows... and... 4. ... 5. It's hard to accept myself the way I am right now... It feels weird because I used to be fine with myself, but lately... it's just not happening... Wasn't I supposed to struggle with this during puberty?? Or am I still stuck in that same headspace at 24??? 6. Look, I know nobody is perfect. I know nothing can ever be perfect... but I don't get why I'm constantly chasing that damn perfection... Whether it's at college or at home (seriously, I'll spend three or four hours washing my car... I won't stop until I've sucked up every last speck of dirt or polished it to a shine)... I'll wash the dishes and then put them back in the dishwasher just to run them again... When I start cleaning the bathroom, I'm not coming out for three hours. I clean the floor tiles once a week, which isn't exactly normal... but I love them when they're sparkling... ... At school... I hate taking exams unless I know everything perfectly (which is why I haven't passed a single test in six months, because I just can't focus on studying... ) In my relationship, everything has to be flawless... both me toward my boyfriend and him toward me, because if it isn't, I start fighting... and it's the same at home too... I'm always in some kind of conflict if things aren't exactly right... And I wasn't always like this... This is a recent thing So now you see what a freak I am... If my sheet gets wrinkled in the middle of the night, I'll actually get up.... strip the whole bed, redo the sheets, and go back to sleep... It's not that the sheet is scratchy; it's just that it's not tight enough... And yeah, that's definitely not a sign of a healthy brain... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Then life gets complicated, when it really shouldn't be... Don't even get me started on how indecisive I am... I can spend an hour in Target just trying stuff on because I can't decide what to buy... I just can't make a choice... or figure out what actually looks good on me... grrrrrrrrrrr Hell...
The pizza finally arrived... everything just spilled out... I guess there wasn't any room left to store it all... Easter... man... the food... ok.... where do I even start... all in all .... it’s not exactly fun watching everyone else eat while you just sit there... but I figured things out... I went over to my boyfriend's place, and right now his brother and sister-in-law are staying there with their little girl, who's about sixteen months old. Since the kid absolutely adores me, I'm basically her shadow—we play, we run around, we carry her everywhere. So, when it's time for dinner, she just comes right to me... and we eat together. A little bit for me, a little bit for her... so the meals end up being tiny snacks on the go. It's a total win because her mom ends up eating whatever's left over anyway😉 Either way, it's better that she gets it than me... 😉 All things considered... there are temptations everywhere... all the desserts and stuff... but also... geez... love to you all!!!!!!!!!
Alright, I'm finally jumping in too... after reading through everything everyone else said... GUYS, I STILL HAVEN'T HAD A REAL CHAIR (I think it's been 6 or 7 days now)... and I felt incredibly lightheaded last night. I barely ate anything at my birthday party—just a tiny slice of pizza—and I woke up around 3 AM struggling not to throw up. Honestly, I don't think my stomach even processed that damn pizza (and the stuff from before is still just sitting there rotting, waiting to come out)... Anyway, thanks to everyone for posting something... I can't even remember all of it right now... but big thanks to silvermason16... Regarding the psychiatrist... and the stuff they prescribe... A few years back, when I saw mine for sleep issues, he gave me some sleeping pills and told me to take them until I could get back on track (I was in such a bad state I couldn't even remember a four-word sentence). So, I took them... and after about two months (I was taking them all day long, then switched to just nights after 4 days once I started sleeping better), I got hooked. I couldn't sleep without them. When I told him, he just cut off the prescription entirely. He wouldn't write them anymore, explaining that since I was sleeping okay now, I didn't need them and shouldn't risk becoming addicted... grrrrrrrrrrrrr I was absolutely livid. It took forever to calm down... Okay... it's true what you guys are saying about how many psychiatrists and psychologists there are out there, but where I live, there aren't many... I'll head over to NYC. I just need to look into it first... So, yeah... that's it... Please tell me what to do to finally get this pizza moving! (I won't even mention the salmon I had, the cake, the god-awful dried shrimp, cauliflower, three different soups, 30 prunes, countless sweet coffees, and a literal gallon of donuts)... nothing is working!!!! P.S.: Laxatives are totally out of the question...
👋 Kisses, and have a great Easter if we don't talk tomorrow
I’m pretty sure my problem is all in my head and nothing else... Under control.... I just can't seem to get a grip on my eating. It’s like I can't even control myself when it comes to how much food I'm taking in. I start eating and I just... keep going. And going. And going. By the end, I’ve stuffed myself so much I can barely breathe, and then—of course—I end up throwing up. It's important to mention that I haven't actually vomited in days. Seriously, it feels like it's been a century since the last time. My stomach feels huge, too, but there's a perfectly logical reason for that: I haven't had a bowel movement in days and the pain is just brutal. If I stick to some soup, a bit of steamed veggies, maybe some fish, or even just a small serving of pasta in sauce—you know, those tiny student-sized portions—I don't get that urge to kiss the pot. It’s because I actually feel like I ate a decent amount for once. The real nightmare is when I overeat. It's awful when I can't stop myself after just a few bites, even though those bites would have been plenty to stop the hunger. So, self-control clearly isn't my strong suit—unless I’m actually putting in the mental effort to focus on it like I have been the last few days. Someone once mentioned "emotional eating"... and honestly, that's me to a T. When I'm actually happy, food doesn't even cross my mind—I don't even feel the need to eat. But when I'm feeling down, depressed, or just on edge? It's nothing but food, food, food. It’s my ultimate escape hatch from reality. I'll overeat until I'm stuffed, then immediately start planning how I'm going to throw it all up just so I can feel good again and make sure I don't get fat. Then, once that's done, I'm already wondering what my next snack is going to be. That's just how the days go. Deep down, I know I'm just being a coward. I can't face the things that are actually bothering me, so I create new problems just to avoid thinking about the old ones. What's the worst part? I do this with everything... my whole life, I just take the path of least resistance. Sometimes I feel like I’m just treading water... like I'm not even really living. Everyone else is out there experiencing life, and me? Well, I'm alive, sure, but I don't feel anything. Nothing can make me happy, nothing can bring me down, nothing can even hurt me. Even when some totally idiotic situation happens, I'm just numb. And what about looks and success in life??!! I'd better not get started on this. I could probably write a hundred pages about it based on my own experience alone... The period before I hit 80 kg... man, life was just different. I was doing great, everyone thought I was awesome, and everything felt perfect. Back in school, I was easily a 5 out of 10, had a boyfriend who actually loved me, a huge group of girlfriends, and I was always out having a blast. Life was good. Back in the 80s, I just stopped having my period. I didn't work because I couldn't imagine wearing those tiny mini skirts—it was basically our required uniform at the office. Honestly, I didn't even want to go out because I knew everyone would be whispering about how I’d turned into this little athletic tank. It actually cost me my friendships; they were all hanging out together while I stayed stuck at home. Even going to the grocery store was a nightmare. Every time I had to pick up food, I was paralyzed by the thought that the cashier was judging me, thinking, "Look how much she eats when she's clearly so huge..." I just couldn't bring myself to have sex because I was stuck in my own head, thinking I was disgusting. I kept wondering how anyone could actually find this much fat exciting... and now everything's hitting the fan in my relationship. The period ended when I was 60. Since then, life has been moving fast. I started working again and finally broke things off with my boyfriend—you know, the one who didn't seem to mind my weight. Things at college have really taken off, too. People actually start greeting me on the street now, and guys are definitely noticing me more. It got pretty wild once. I was just walking down the street when this guy on the other side starts shouting. I turned around, and he starts waving me over. I actually stopped, and he walks right up to me and asks if I’d want to work for his travel agency. He told me he’d been watching me around town for a while and that I was beautiful and charming and blah blah blah. I turned him down, obviously. I’ve got school to focus on, and I need a job with steady hours. It’s honestly wild how the entire world just shifts its attitude toward you once you drop the weight. Oh, right... the best example happened last summer... My boss told me to meet him at a specific spot at 9:00 for a meeting with the Mayor. I figured I’d be early, so I showed up at 8:30. I waited around until 9:15, but he was nowhere to be found—turns out, I was at the wrong location entirely. It was a total mess because I was supposed to be with the Mayor, but I was stuck on the complete opposite side of town. By the time everyone finally got their act together, I didn't pull up to City Hall until 10:00. The Mayor had been sitting there for a full hour waiting for me, surrounded by all the reporters and my boss. I hopped out of the car, flashed a smile, and just told them, "Sorry, there was a bit of a misunderstanding." My boss just looked at me and said, "Don't worry about it, you're forgiven." We went to see the Mayor, and my boss ended up apologizing on our behalf. The Mayor looked right at me, smiled, and basically said that sometimes it’s just worth waiting for certain people. Once the press conference wrapped up, I was walking out with my boss and he pulls me aside. He tells me, "You have no idea how many doors are going to swing wide open for you just because of your looks, that smile, and that skirt you're wearing." I can’t shake it. It just keeps looping in my head over and over... If you're pretty, thin, and smiling, every door swings wide open for you. It’s messed up that I had to learn that lesson the hard way, by feeling it in my own skin... I even perform better on exams than girls who don't look like me, and honestly, that’s terrifying. I'm scared of gaining weight because it’s awful, but it’s true—people value looks above everything else. It’s so frustrating when I go out with friends and guys I’ve known my entire life—guys I see all over town—approach me and ask if I’m new here. They act like they’ve never seen me before, even though this is a small town and they definitely have! Of course they haven't "seen" me... they’re too busy looking at the thinner girls. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr It’s just awful!!!! The media is trash, and those damn magazines are just as bad, constantly pushing those tall, skinny models and that sick idea that being thin is the only way to be beautiful. It's a warped sense of human value. It’s caused by a massive group of people who don't think for themselves; they just follow whoever has a tiny bit of influence. And usually, what those influencers decide works for them, but it’s destructive for everyone else. But nobody notices because nobody bothers to think! Blame the media, blame the family that didn't raise me right, or blame myself for being unstable and lacking control. That’s why I need psychiatric help, yeah... I stopped for a second... Do you actually know what psychiatrists are for? They're there to tell you things you already know, but you can't face them because thinking about them hurts too much. Nobody knows me better than I know myself. Nobody can help me unless I want it. I'm smart enough to realize what my problem is, I'm just not brave enough to grab it by the throat and fix it. That’s the core of it.. Then there’s the bulimia. I should just sit down and tell myself, "Look, this, this, and this is hurting you. You can fix it by doing this, this, and this. First, you have to do this, this, and this, and then everything will be better." But no!!! It’s easier to just eat and purge. It’s easier to walk through life with a fake smile plastered on my face, lying to myself that everything is fine. From the experience of someone with bulimia 😉
As for college... look, I get it, I really do, but... Honestly... changing my major isn't even on my radar since I'm already four years in. It’s just sad that someone would talk to a student like that, but there's nothing I can do about it.
Congrats on losing the weight... seriously, props to you... Look, I didn't write all this looking for anyone's pity or anything like that. I just needed somewhere to say out loud that I’m sick and that I need help. The people on this forum really helped me through it, and I'll probably be forever grateful for that... I just hope you never find yourself stuck in "my world," dealing with what I'm going through. Honestly, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy... If you haven't lived it, you can't truly know what it feels like. You can only guess... Anyway... And once again, congrats on dropping those pounds.
replies 😉 1. It’s totally possible to lose that much weight because most of it is just water weight... and then there's the fat. If you aren't eating anything at all, or if you end up throwing up whatever you actually manage to eat... then yeah, it's doable. Your body just starts burning through its own reserves, plain and simple... It's possible, trust me. And if you don't believe me, just shoot me an email and I'll send over some photos before and after... Man, I always loved looking at those before-and-after shots in the magazines. 😉 2. College... I don't want to say which one just in case someone from my school is lurking here... In my program, there are maybe 100 people. The whole college has about 500 full-time students... And the professor... how could he not remember? It's funny, I used to work at a place just 50 yards from his house, so he'd always stop by to say hi. Apparently, girls go to see him for consultations at this local pub... they grab a coffee and do their "consultations" right there (it's weird, but that's how it is). Plus, the professor knows my brother. So... All in all, we know each other... He even noticed me before I even started studying at that school; he'd wave to me on the street. This town is tiny, so almost everyone knows everyone... okay, maybe not *everyone*, but definitely within the circles you run in... And you know how it goes... 3. Is 57 kilos too little?? Well, how am I supposed to interpret that? As a provocation, because I'm pretty sure that's what it was... If you start at 175 pounds and drop down to 125, then suddenly 125 is "too little"... when you go from wearing a size 14 to a size 8... then 125 is "too little." Or when you look in the mirror and all you see is ribs and a bloated stomach, nothing else, maybe 18 pounds of nothing but bone—then 125 is "too little"... And it honestly breaks my heart that some of you think people with Eating Disorders have to look like walking skeletons... Someone mentioned this in a message once... People with bulimia are either at a normal weight, slightly above, or just a bit below average...
Remember that professor from the beginning of this whole thing? So, I went to see him for a consultation today. I walk into his office and he just hits me with, "You've lost weight, colleague." I told him straight up that's not really how you joke around with people. Then he grabs my shoulder and goes, "Forgive me, I wasn't thinking when I said that." I was like, fine, whatever, but then he cuts me off and asks, "Are women just sensitive?" Honestly, I was just sitting there thinking... And one more thing... Last night, I finally decided to spend the cash I’ve been saving since I haven't been buying any food. I head to a boutique to grab a shirt and ask the clerk for an XL. This woman looks me up and down with this sour face and says, "Ma'am, you need a small, though maybe even that might be too big for you..." I told her, "Just give me the XL." So I try it on, everything is swirling around me, I look for a medium, then a large... I ended up in a small. And right then... It was okay (weirdly enough, I didn't feel happy because I saw my little belly while changing). I tried on a jacket... and I started at a size 10 and ended up at a 4. That's how much I'm seeing myself in different sizes now... I hasn't thrown up in days. I actually went out for pizza with my boyfriend and it stayed down (it's still in there, probably the digestion process takes longer than I thought). Now I'm just sticking to soup and tiny, varied meals... That much... There we go... progress... 😉
As for Herbalife... 😉 I don't really know what to say... I've heard some things about it... but... I'll shoot you a private message. I got an email from Tanja today... and I'm going to reach out to her (mostly so I can stay home where I can yell at my phone in peace)... Sending kisses to everyone, and 👋 Oh yeah... Easter is coming up... did anyone mention temptations, cookies, or French pastries??? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Nah... I'll deal with that when it actually gets here. Not now... 😉