I remember being 18 and weighing 125 pounds. After this amazing diet—no sweets, no bread, just small meals and working out every single day—I dropped about 30 pounds, and it stayed off for a long, long time. Around that time, I met my current boyfriend. I was out on a trip with him and his mom, grabbed some food, and had one chicken thigh and half a slice of bread. I told them I was full. I wasn't faking it; I was genuinely done. And then she said something to me that I will literally never forget. Her exact words were: "Don't get fat, my guy doesn't like thick girls." It totally shut me down. So, I went off to college and ended up gaining 20 pounds. Honestly, I was shaped like a little keg, but you know what? At the time, I didn't care at all. She used to tell me I looked like I’d been stung by a swarm of bees. She'd ask why I wouldn't be careful while I was still so young. People kept asking if I was pregnant, too... and none of it bothered me back then. Going on a diet wasn't even on my radar. Then, one night, I found out my boyfriend had been lying to me. Just one lie after another, a whole web of them starting to unravel, and the pain... it destroyed me. I still remember that first lie—the moment I got the text that laid out the truth. I walked home to my parents looking white as a sheet. I started sobbing, shaking, feeling like the pain was actually going to kill me. My only boyfriend at the time—we were actually engaged—lied to me. He was the one person who never lied, the guy who seemed perfect in my eyes. He trashed everything with one reckless move, and that was the beginning of it all. I just told myself, "Fine. Let's see how he likes losing me." I shut myself inside the house and started fading away more and more every day. It wasn't even that I was vomiting that much; I was just starving myself. The only thing I did was go to class. That worked out perfectly because I could lie to my parents and say I was eating on campus. Then, his sister-in-law invited me to a christening on December 6th. I showed up, and everyone was stunned. They couldn't believe it. Everyone asked how I lost the weight, and I just told them I hadn't even been fat to begin with. I hated them. Every single one of them. I ate dinner and then went home in agony. My stomach hurt so bad I couldn't even sit down, even though I had eaten almost nothing—just some steamed vegetables that my stomach couldn't even process. Then I started going out. Men, well, men being men... there was always someone around. And my man??? He realized what he'd done. He cried, he begged... And me?? I loved him more than I loved myself, but I refused to give in. I wanted him to suffer for everything he kept from me, and for not standing up to his mother when she insulted me. After seven months... I took him back. I knew deep down I would, but that selfish part of me really wanted him to feel a little bit of the sting too. I was over there last night (it's been two weeks), and his mom commented on how thin I've gotten again. I just stayed quiet. They went to eat, but I didn't. I couldn't. It just wouldn't go down. I also wanted to mention my teeth. Usually, when people see me, they notice my teeth—they're white, straight, with a little zircon on my front tooth... a beautiful smile. "And if I'm afraid of anything in this whole mess, it's that my teeth might start cracking." I realize what's happening, but I still haven't found the strength to admit I have a problem. Only my best friend knows. I just can't bear the thought of people looking at me as some emotional, starving wreck. I can't accept myself, and I'm too ashamed of what I'm doing to admit it and seek help. But I know I'll have to eventually, because this kind of life isn't worth living. What's worse: feeling the shame, or wasting your entire life? The important thing is that someone knows. You have a friend. I have all of you. Don't lie to her... go see a doctor. And I will, too. I couldn't bring myself to lie to you guys, which is why I haven't vomited in three days (I think today is the third day)... And what about people staring?? Let them stare. Let them look. Besides, I don't plan on telling anyone who I know would judge me anyway. I actually don't think I'll even tell my parents (I'm 99% sure I won't). I'll tell my boyfriend and one friend... and that's it. No one else needs to know. Honestly, they don't really care anyway. All they care about is having something to gossip about. For my whole life, I've just been their "material," and I'm done being that. Enough is enough. Self-acceptance vs. lack of confidence??? In her book "Kiss the Pot," Tanja wrote: "In real life, I act like someone who knows exactly what they want. I act like the person I wish I were, not who I actually am. And I play the part perfectly. Like I said, we know how to be as convincing as possible..." And there it is. That's the whole issue. You're just playing a role, pretending to be someone else... If you asked anyone in my circle what I'm really like, they’d all say the same thing: wonderful, sweet, always smiling, always ready to help, hardworking, blah blah blah... But me? I'm just a mess spinning my wheels. Thank God I have college to distract me, since I've been at it for four years now... and nothing changes. Except for the number of exams I pass, everything else is exactly the same. People drift in and out of my life. I don't really break into theirs. Some people get me, some think they get me, and others just don't care. And? So what. That's just how it is nowadays. Everyone is just looking out for themselves... mistybear4 said: "In my opinion, the biggest problem with illness is actually self-confidence, which should really come through knowledge—like knowing how to maintain a healthy weight and look better without stupid diets and starving yourself (or without bingeing and purging)..." I agree, but the thing is, I already know what I need to do to stop the weight from coming back and what I should be eating. The problem is that it feels impossible to force myself to eat boiled chard instead of croquettes... or pasta. Honestly, I'd trade my left hand for some pasta. Has anyone mentioned chocolate cookies? It's a total mirage. 😉 Ugh... I think my stomach is acting up, or whatever is left of it... The shocks it's going through are unreal! For days, this poor thing just cramps up from emptiness. Just when it finally settles, I go and eat (ugh, I can barely even write that) and then it has to stretch out and try to process it all. It's like... gross. I feel like I'm carrying rot inside me. Just yuck. Alright... that's enough... Lunch: boiled cauliflower and some meat (not sure what kind), thank goodness my dad is diabetic... Kisses to everyone, hope you have a good meal and... As the smart people say: Eat to live, don't live to eat!
Another little confession from me... Mom sends me to Target to grab some toothpaste, and before I know it, I’m totally lost in the candy aisle.... I just wander around like a zombie, staring at all those damn chocolates, gummy snacks, candies and... honestly, I just turn around and head straight for the toy section instead, just to get away from them (it’s crazy how they design these stores... you've got the junk on one side and everything else on the other...) anyway, I eventually grab the toothpaste and leave... No, I didn't buy anything!!!! I didn't throw up yesterday.. okay.. I didn't really eat much either, but... Okay... I felt like throwing up after having some popcorn, but I didn't... the pain was killing me, but it passed... My boyfriend?? He's great. He loved me even when I was 180 pounds and he never complained, ever... I'll tell him when we start living together... maybe even sooner... I'll test the waters first... It's going to be okay, he won't leave me, he'll help me.... I just need to talk to him.. Regarding that diagnosis (the long-term one)... I know... I've read all about it... And it scares me.... And once again, THANK YOU ALL, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU HELP ME!!! 😉 KISSES!!!
If you guys only knew how much you've helped me... I never really need someone to talk to me. I just get things. I’m not one of those people who needs to be told what to do and then goes off and does their own thing anyway... I actually hate it when people do that to me, so I don't do it to anyone else... Naturally, I didn't eat a single thing all day yesterday, until my boyfriend showed up with some dried cheese... that good, homemade kind... and he grabbed some sausage (you know, that delicious homemade stuff that’s basically a billion calories) and came into my room... he brought half a loaf of bread. I was just watching TV while he sliced the cheese and the sausage, and I stood up and sliced some bread—just one slice... I split it in half, and that was it... He ate half, I ate half... I opened a chocolate bar and had just two squares. Then I curled up in his arms and thought about all of you... all your words. I was thinking about how to tell him... but I didn't. We actually got into an argument because he made a comment about some woman in a bikini being fat... I just decided to shut up because I don't judge people based on whether they're thin or fat... so I just lay there... I can't even remember how many times I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, but I didn't, I didn't, and I didn't... I wanted to keep it all inside... and then the pain started. It hurt me, but it stayed inside... I haven't managed to eat today yet because I just got back from my internship, I'm exhausted and I'm not hungry.... I think my issues stem from my childhood... everything always goes back to the roots... That need for acceptance... I wasn't accepted in Elementary School because I was always sick and rarely in class... high school was fine, college was fine... but honestly... people just try to make up for it somehow... I used to go swimming; I could swim for two hours straight without stopping... then I started struggling, everything would ache but I wouldn't stop. Then the chlorine started bothering me so I quit. Then I tried the gym and caught the flu. When I went back, the dust killed me since I have allergies, and honestly, I never really sweat... I bought a bike, so now all the old folks just nag me about why it's sitting in the yard and I'm not riding it... (and you know how old people are)... My boyfriend?? I think he plays too big a role in this whole thing. He's 6'2" and only 150 pounds... he's terribly thin and says eating is stupid... when we lived together, I never knew what to cook because nothing ever tasted good to him... so naturally, he'd just grab junk food and the weight just piles on... I should be moving in with him by the end of the month, so I'll have to change my eating habits and his too... I might be able to stick to cooked vegetables since I like them, but he won't!!! That means cooking two different meals... maybe if I tell him, he'll change too. Maybe he'll stop being so difficult and realize I need to eat healthy if I want to be healthy (it's a struggle with him) Do you really think nobody notices? You don't have burst capillaries around your eyes, red eyes from straining, wounds on your fingers, or staying up late while everyone else sleeps. Besides, doesn't anyone ever smell it in the bathroom or on your hands if you vomit something milky? 10000% they don't notice. My eyes look normal, and nobody really stares because I wear glasses which distracts them, especially since the frames are pink... so... if someone does look, they just see the frames... I don't have wounds on my fingers, and as for the smell... well, if you clean your bathroom every single day, you won't notice, plus I use Glade... I sent emails to Libelle but they aren't receiving them... I'll call them one day when I'm home alone. I've read all those pages... it's a great organization... Thanks to all those people... THANK YOU PEOPLE BECAUSE... IT HELPS!!! I'm not saying I'm cured, but I'm far from where I was... but just the thought that I can eat without overdoing it, and by doing that, not vomiting much anymore, means everything... Thanks, and let's keep chatting.. You guys aren't getting rid of me that easily
I read all the posts, I just forget to reply to some sometimes.. I honestly don't know how long this sickness is going to last. I have no clue who to turn to for help because I really don't trust my own doctor with this, and I definitely don't want word getting out... I don't want anyone knowing, and look, I'm fully aware that I'm sick... but I also know I live in a tiny town where everyone knows everyone's business, and I'm terrified people will start pointing fingers way too fast. Right now I'm at 125 lbs and I don't want to lose any more weight... but I just can't stop myself.. I don't even know what hurts more.. keeping food inside or throwing it back up...??? From what I know, there are only three psychiatrists around here. One is always drunk, one is on medical leave, and the other is some old guy who just pumps you full of pills... If nothing works, I'll head to NYC. But I need to tell someone first since you guys are the only ones who actually get it... I didn't eat today... my aunt gave me some chocolate, and when he handed it over, he joked that he probably made me mad.. I just laughed it off.. So now there's just chocolate sitting by the TV, it's staring at me and I'm staring at it... But I won't eat it... hopefully. 😉 Hey everyone... I'm feeling a bit better, thanks for everything!!!
I’ve actually been dealing with kidney issues since long before all of this started... The only thing keeping me sane is that my blood work looks fine and my urine tests are totally normal... As for eating, I just eat to get it over with... Most of the time, I’m not even hungry. Honestly, I think the issue is just that I genuinely love food. I eat whatever tastes good to me—which, let’s be real, is usually junk—and I have zero self-control. Once I start, I can't just stop when I'm full; I just keep overeating. Another thing is how people see me versus how I see myself. It’s not just about my body; it’s about who I am. To everyone else, I’ve always been the "perfect" one. I was the star pupil in elementary school, a straight-A college student, and I always had everything I wanted materially (even if none of it actually made me happy). I always had the nice boyfriends, too. My life seemed perfect... until the weight started coming on. That’s when the nightmare began. I’m certain it didn't bother me back then, because if it had, I would’ve done something about it. But once things shifted, everything went sideways. I remember reading about bulimia back then and wondering to myself: how can anyone stand throwing up what they just ate? How can they not feel bad about wasting money just to vomit it back up? How can they not be able to stop? I thought I could always quit because I always knew where to draw the line. But one day... ...that line just vanished. Everything became limitless. And it’s a sickening realization that the people who look better are the ones who actually succeed... Trust me on this... When I was heavier, nobody even noticed me. Now, when I walk down the street, people approach me constantly offering jobs, from tour guides to all sorts of things. Finding work is never an issue now. Back then, I could only dream of guys noticing me. Now, when they come up to me asking, "Where have you been hiding all these years?" it honestly makes me feel sick. To hell with them. I was always right here. They just chose not to see me. And now, I’m terrified that if I gain weight again, I’ll become invisible all over again. I just wish I could flip that switch in my brain—to eat enough to be full, rather than just gorging myself. But that switch isn't working. In fact, I’m so scared that it won't ever work that I don't even try. I just eat and... It’s easier to just go with the flow, but I have to wonder: how much longer can I keep this up?
Man, this professor lets you get away with anything... if I told the Dean what was actually happening, I might end up stuck in shame forever, especially since I still have two more exams left with him.. I'm not even from Washington, D.C., so... Three years ago, I saw a Psychiatrist quite a bit (twice a week for about 7 months), and the diagnosis was an adolescent crisis... Now here I am at 24... wow... didn't I already get past that??? I felt way worse back when I was 16, 17, 18, or 19 than I do now at 24, and honestly, I feel like I was more mature back then than I am today.... It’s like I’m living under a glass bell jar.. all alone... with nobody there for me... My BMI is 23.14, which is totally normal.. I'm not fat.. I'm not joking, I just have a little soft tummy and that's it... (do I really need to mention my whole body is soft?)... I don't think I'll ever tell my doctor... she's my primary care physician, so... We'll see... I need to think about it... But thanks anyway...
So, about today... Woke up at 7, finally got out of bed at 10. Honestly, I'm avoiding the kitchen like the plague right now... I'm home alone. It's 2:20 PM and I just can't deal with the idea of eating and then throwing up... That's why I haven't eaten yet today. I did eat yesterday at college, but I threw up immediately after. That was earlier in the morning... My boyfriend??? He said he’d bring me some dried cheese (it’s literally the only thing I can keep down). Sounds silly, but I actually feel bad about throwing up dried cheese... I have no clue why, but I can manage that. I think I'll tell him we should probably move in together by the end of the month... I'm going to have to...
Alcohol? So, here’s my latest experience... I was feeling pretty down on August 3rd—not even that I needed a specific reason, you know how it is—and I was super anxious because I had an exam the next day. My friend and I decided to hit up a video rental store to grab a movie I absolutely had to watch for my test. While we were chatting, the topic of beer came up, so we ducked into this little local dive bar nearby. We told ourselves, "Just one beer and then we're heading home." But since we were the only women there and surrounded by all these local regulars who seemed to appear out of nowhere, the beers just kept coming. I ended up knocking back two and a half beers before finally calling it quits. I made it back home around 10:00 PM with my friend. Some old guys were watching TV in the living room, and the bathroom is right off that same room. I flopped into bed and suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I ended up throwing up the second I leaned against the window because I’d squeezed my stomach way too hard. Once that happened, I felt better immediately. Then I crashed out and totally slept through my exam this morning. Honestly, the worst part isn't even the nausea—it's the fact that I fell asleep and missed it. Now I have to deal with makeup exams... the last time I sat for a final was back in September last year. I'm already four years into college. And when we’re talking about college... Two months ago, I was heading over to hand my professor his signed paperwork. He flips open the first page, glances at my photo, looks up, and just asks, "Why don't you ladies lose some weight? You look so much better when you're thin." I actually asked him if he was trying to provoke me. He just kept going... and honestly, what was I even supposed to do? There were at least 80 people standing right behind me in line. Everyone heard it. Everyone was absolutely horrified. It’s true, looking at this photo, you can definitely see my collarbones sticking out and my face looks a bit sunken. But hey, I’m smiling! Besides, I’m actually five pounds heavier now than I was in this picture. So what? I hate myself because I’m not the master of anything—not my body, and certainly not my mind. At first, I had this whole plan in my head. I thought, okay, I’ll just drop 10 or 15 pounds and then I'll finally be done. But once I actually hit that weight, my body just shut down. I couldn't eat if I tried. Now, whenever I try to eat, I just feel nauseous and my stomach starts hurting. Even something simple like drinking half a liter of water makes me look six months pregnant. My stomach just bloats up instantly. I’m feeling super on edge lately. I just want to pick fights with everyone. My head is constantly spinning with paranoid thoughts, and my focus? It's basically non-existent. It used to be that I could read a paragraph twice and have it memorized, but now it takes me days just to wrap my head around a tiny snippet. Honestly, I don't even bother studying anymore because the exams are just piling up. Believe me, you feel like absolute garbage watching everyone else in your year breeze through their finals while you're just stuck standing still. It’s not that I don't want to study—I physically can't. And the health stuff is just as bad. It feels like if someone even sneezes in my direction, I'll end up with a fever. I catch every single bug going around, and nothing seems to clear up because my immune system is just completely shot. I’m just not functioning... at all. On Saturdays, I head out, grab some smokes with my girlfriends, and that’s pretty much it. We drink, and I just stop thinking. The absolute worst thing you can do is overthink everything. I just really wanted to be that old version of myself again. You know, the one who actually liked herself and genuinely cared about everyone else. The girl who was crushing it in college and always had a smile on her face. I just want to get back to who I used to be. Every single day feels like a lie... Love... Isn't the whole point of love just about trust and being real with each other? What about me? I’m sitting here wondering how I can give my heart to someone when I can’t even stand myself. How am I supposed to be loved if I don't love who I am? He says he loves me, but honestly, he just loves what he wants to love. Not the real me. Because the truth is, I'm a lie. I'm constantly lying to him. I’m living a double life. One side is the real me, and the other is just this daily routine I have to go through. Honestly, there's hardly any of the "real" part left in my life at all. Here’s how my day goes... My morning routine is pretty much a cycle. I wake up and head straight to campus. First stop is always the dining hall to grab some food, but then I immediately go throw it all up. After that, I hit the cafeteria again to grab a Mio just to get something in my stomach. I show up to lectures, but I don't actually take any notes. I just sit in the back row and mess around with papers. Usually, I can only stomach being on campus for maybe two or three hours before I need to bail and head home. If I'm stuck there longer than that, I’m so exhausted by the time I get back that I just sleep the entire day away. If I manage to leave early, I get home, eat, purge, and then try to study. I'll sit there with my books and "study," though occasionally something actually sticks. Once evening rolls around, my boyfriend comes over, and we just lie down and talk. And sex??? Sex is my absolute worst nightmare. Honestly, I just don't have any interest in it... at all. And that’s when things start falling apart. I end up lying about having a headache, or a stomachache, or my legs and arms hurting... anything just to avoid telling the truth. Every once in a while, I'll play along just enough so it doesn't look like I'm ignoring him completely. When we’re watching a movie and eating popcorn, as soon as I'm done, I head straight to the bathroom to throw up (just so nothing accidentally sticks to me)... I absolutely loathe birthdays and any kind of party... there's just too much food everywhere. It’s always one of two extremes: I either eat everything in sight or I don't touch a thing. There is zero middle ground with me... If I overeat, I HAVE to go purge. I feel like I'll lose my mind if it stays inside me—partly from the physical pain, and partly from the sheer terror of gaining weight... It's the same when we go out for dinner... I eat, then I purge... Every single time I eat something, I end up throwing it back up. I don't really care about the money I'm wasting on food, which sucks because food is where I spend most of my cash anyway... I hate going to big grocery stores like Walmart or Target because everything is right there in front of me, and I end up buying it all (thankfully I haven't started shoplifting yet, and I hope I never do). Then I get home and eat... everything... I don't have any true friends. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here typing all this to you guys; I'd be venting to her and then heading to a doctor... I went to see a doctor recently because I was just completely hitting a wall. They ran all the tests, and the only thing they found was some amorphous urates in my urine. The doctor claimed it's just because I don't drink enough fluids (ignoring the fact that the only liquid staying in me is the massive amount of water I chug to dull the hunger)... I asked her for a referral to a psychiatrist because I clearly need one, but she just told me I'm probably just stressed out because of exams and that everything would be fine. Well, it won't be fine, because it can't be!!!! And finally, a quote... "We are victims of our own brains. I can't separate my brain from who I am. Our brain is part of us, and that negative part of the brain is also part of us. It's all me. And if I start thinking that none of this is my fault, I'll spend the rest of my life just retching..." I always used to believe my illness would just vanish like it was never there, but it hasn't. It's still here. And I never even viewed it as an illness. I just knew something was wrong and kept moving through life thinking that maybe things would be different someday. But I don't know when that "someday" is supposed to happen. That's how paranoid I am. Panic suffocates me. It suffocates me knowing that everything could be absolutely fantastic, but I've given myself permission to deny myself that happiness. God forbid I try not to purge. Or look at things from a different angle. I just can't. My problem is that this state of being has become a massive habit. A huge habit that I'm not ready to tackle yet. Not yet. ... I don't even think of what I'm doing as something "ugly." This is just how it is, damn it. How do I tell anyone??? My parents... They see how much I eat and how I'm getting thinner every single day... and then what??? Who's a better actor than us?? The people who don't see what's happening to me because they're too caught up in their own drama? Or me, pretending like nothing is wrong??? A boyfriend? A "friend"? How do I say to everyone: "I've been lying to you for a year and four months... I eat, and then I purge"... And how do I live with that... Living with those looks they give me when I go to the bathroom, or when they see how much I eat, what I eat, and why I eat??? They wouldn't even realize I'm sick. They wouldn't understand that I don't *want* to be like this, that I'm a slave to my own brain... it's like a drug. When an addict starts craving, they'll do anything to get it... that's me. And getting off it is going to take so much time, love, and help to actually succeed... It's the same for me, because if I could fix this on my own, I would have done it a long time ago... Don't think I'm writing this to get attention or to make you pity me. I don't want that. I don't even believe anyone can truly help me because.... I simply need someone I can tell all of this to... someone who won't call me... stupid, stupid, stupid!!!! And if anyone else is dealing with the same thing, please reach out...
I really have to apologize for my mistake here... From October 30th to December 6th. Just over a month. Honestly, if you don't believe me and you aren't exactly a genius—the way I'm certainly not—you might actually think I could lose weight this way.. But when you don't eat for days, everything you do manage to swallow just comes right back up. My hips basically vanished. I ended up looking like a shriveled-up old dog. You lose weight, sure, but your hair starts falling out, your nails break, and you can't even think straight because the headaches are constant. You just don't care about food anymore. And the best part? It took me this long just to find the courage to reach out. I chose this group because I wanted to stay anonymous, and I knew you all would respect that. I felt the urge to vent the second I read that other thread, but I'm finally speaking up now... Anyway, thank you all, and may God bless you... Never again.
How many of you were watching that exposé yesterday about the girl struggling with anorexia? Did any of you think, "What an idiot, she needs a reality check to snap her out of this nonsense..."? I bet a lot of you did. At least that’s what the girls from my college were saying... Not one single person said, "She's sick"... except for me.. And yeah, I'm sick too.... Just by admitting it... I've finally broken out of my own little cycle... Anyone who’s read the book "Miss the Mark" knows exactly what I mean... “...most of all, I want to help myself. Just myself. The words inside me have been screaming for too long, begging me to let them out, to show them to the world. I was ashamed of myself. I hated myself, but now I don't even have the strength or the will left, and I just want to find myself again. I am writing this for me and for all of you.” That’s right near the beginning of that book... So, what should I write here??? It all started when I was 22... after all those diets. They failed because I wasn't persistent enough, wasn't strong enough to stick with it... and then it just took off... On November 30th, I weighed 175 lbs. By December 6th, I was down to 130 lbs. I think you get the idea... I broke up with my boyfriend, failed an exam, ended up totally alone, and just locked myself in my room... When I finally stepped out into the city a month later, people didn't even recognize me... My excuse was simple... I told them I broke up with my guy, and that was it... Everyone "bought it." But does it even matter if they believed me? My weight—those 45 pounds—doesn't mean anything to them. My period stopped, my head constantly aches, I'm on edge, and... My entire life changed at the foundation. Suddenly, from being invisible, I became visible to everyone... The part that hurt most was... "Where have you been hiding all these years?"... I stayed the same person, but my body changed... and everything else started shifting too... my behavior... everything... Now, a year and four months later, I'm still a slave to my body... the bathroom... eating... binging and lying... I don't want to live like this anymore... Most of you won't understand me, and you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. Only the ones actually "living" through bulimia, the ones purging five, six, seven times a day... they know how I feel... and what I need... Just like how I couldn't stick to a single diet because I wasn't strong enough... I can't stop this now either... If you have some time, go read the book.....
I’ve been through this exact same thing a few times, and honestly, it felt just like what you're going through right now... If your doctor gave you the all-clear, then you’re fine. Seriously. That pain you're feeling? It's probably just because your body is used to a specific hormone level. Now that things aren't as consistent, your system is basically just trying to find its balance again... You'll start feeling much better as time goes on... It actually took me a full year before I finally felt like myself again... And even now, my periods are still a total nightmare. I can feel the ovulation and everything else... But I don't bother with pills... Don't sweat it.