Angela Stewart6 said:Let’s get back to the main topic! Anne was talking about aliens earlier—and honestly, during my bout with psychosis, I was absolutely convinced that I was being influenced by extraterrestrials. I truly believed they were intervening in my life to somehow "fix" me.
I suppose believing in them might have been a bit of an escape for me too.😛
My biggest struggle during my psychosis was this overwhelming sense of grandiosity; my brain was just racing at a hundred miles an hour, and I genuinely believed I was the most important person in the entire country. Honestly, the political climate at the time really messed with my head. Looking back, it feels like my mental health struggles coincided perfectly with how chaotic things were happening across America. But, I guess you learn from those mistakes. I know now that I'm not that central figure, and I understand that managing my mental state with medication is just as vital as making sure I eat or get enough sleep. I feel incredibly lucky that these medications exist, especially since I don't have to go around explaining my prescription to every person I meet.
Angela Stewart6 said:I honestly don't see what the big deal is here—look, I don't personally care for you, and that’s perfectly fine! You decided to cut ties, and I truly respect your decision to walk away. But there is absolutely no reason to start dragging everyone else down just because of that. I am who I am, plain and simple, and there isn't much more to be said about my personality. We all face similar struggles in this life, and that's something we should respect. At the end of the day, everyone gets to choose their own circle—and you should certainly do the same. The people in this community are dear to me, and there is a genuine sense of mutual empathy here—we support one another, and they do the same for me. In my opinion, that kind of connection is something truly worth celebrating.
I have to hand it to you for staying so calm👍 but as far as this jerk goes, I'm done communicating altogether. That's that.
Angela Stewart6 said:I honestly think it’s best if we wrap this discussion up right now—mostly because I’d hate to see anyone end up getting banned, and besides, I am certainly not the one at the center of this topic!
I agree that's for the best, though I have to admit that guy really crossed a line there. I'll leave it to the moderators to sort through the mess and issue bans where they're actually deserved, but man, he really managed to get under my skin. Still, if you aren't feeling worked up about it, then I suppose I shouldn't be either. I guess I really should have had more restraint and not let myself get so riled up 🕺
Ouagadougou said:I had a feeling you’d show up eventually to weigh in on this, Jose Ward4. Honestly, gender doesn't change my perspective; I view everyone through the same lens, but when someone acts like this, I just lose all respect for them instantly. You really have to call people out on this kind of behavior because you can't build a life or a community on being disrespectful. We have to be able to face the facts. Just because you find Vordas Sara attractive doesn't give you any right to lay a hand on her.
Man, you are seriously unhinged. 🤦 Get out of this thread.
Ouagadougou said:Of course it is, there’s really no point in hiding anything here (Angela Stewart6). I actually know her in person and have seen firsthand how she carries herself, so I'm speaking from actual experience rather than just hearsay. I'll keep sending over more messages as they come in, especially since she felt a bit insulted by what another user mentioned, just in case that was actually directed at her.
It’s funny how much time we spend navigating the subtle games people play with their own egos, isn't it? It feels like there's always someone trying to twist a situation just to make themselves look bigger or more important than they actually are. I often find myself wondering why we let these little power plays get under our skin, though I'll be the first to admit I'm not exactly immune to feeling a bit rattled when someone tries to pull the rug out from under me. It's a delicate dance, really, trying to maintain your own sense of self while dealing with someone who seems more interested in psychological maneuvering than actual connection.
I honestly don't see how you can claim she's being manipulative or playing the victim here. She’s dealing with what might be one of the most difficult mental health diagnoses out there, and frankly, someone in her position needs a massive amount of support rather than a harsh critic. The last thing she needs right now is to be met with insults.
Angela Stewart6 said:And where exactly were you six years ago when the storm was actually hitting?
Well, thank goodness I'm in stable remission now! So, you've got a point there. My intention was simply to point out that this isn't the kind of illness where you can just snap your fingers and make it disappear.
Given that the profile is barely a week old and has only ten posts, I’m pretty sure it’s just a clone of a user who got permanently banned. Honestly, I wouldn't give it another thought.
Well, justblue has already been banned—literally the same day she signed up because she turned out to be a clone of a user who was permanently banned. Everything in this country follows the rules to a T, I suppose, so there's no escaping that here.🙄
justblue said:What's up☕☕: I honestly don't know what to say—I feel like I both belong here and am an outsider at the same time, you bunch of schizo-minded folks I'm half-joking when I say this condition doesn't even exist; I mean, I have it, but somehow I don't
It's just me and Leclerc, but please, oh please, don't out me Just to clarify things a bit, let me ask you all, how are you doing today?🤣🤣🤣 ☕ And so the days pass by while I keep fighting my way through; things are going pretty well, and I’m not asking for anything more than I need Just a quick reminder that I'm still an F-25 Thanks for keeping this thread alive; I'm doing great, and I wish the exact same for all of you cheeeeers with love justblue ::
Chloe Flores83 said:That whole phase thing... it kind of works, and kind of doesn't. Even with the illness and the hospital stays, I felt like I was living in "Phase A squared" for years. I spent years talking to the creator, and it was wonderful. Just years in, well, let's call it a mystical phase. Now, it's not even that we don't talk anymore; it's just that I had a change of heart and became an atheist. Total Phase Z. So, how exactly did your doctors spend three years prepping you to oust Sanders from power?
Back during psychotherapy, my psychiatrist would mention figures like a powerful president to illustrate arrogance and stuff, and at the time, he really was the most influential politician in the country. I also remember a boss once telling me, "I love watches and own one, unlike that president who owns ten..." I suppose I connected all those dots in my head as some kind of mental preparation for what was coming. Looking back, though, I can't say for sure how much of what happened during my psychosis was actually linked to those things. Regarding your religious views, I might suggest two books by the same author: *The Road Less Traveled* and its sequel, *Further Along the Road Less Traveled*. Those two books really shifted my entire perspective on religion, spirituality, and the mysticism you're describing here.
Chloe Flores83 said:Thanks for the kind words about my writing! 🙂 Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. I need to get used to this new situation, and honestly, to this "new me," which feels like a much worse, fake version of myself. Regarding people... ideally, I'd escape into solitude sometimes, and then recharge by being around others—if only people weren't so exhausting. They're either complaining or bragging, and I'm just sitting there nodding along, trying to manage a "yeah, sure." My focus isn't great lately, either. Sometimes I lose the thread entirely and have no clue what they're even talking about. But hey, you go ahead and enjoy your social life! And regarding God? Right now, He feels pretty distant to me. I picture Him as someone who's totally indifferent to all the suffering happening in the world. And yeah, suffering isn't the purpose of life, but it's everywhere, whether we like it or not. You just have to keep fighting against it, I guess, for as long as you can.
Don't mention it. 🙂
Why would it have to be worse, though? I agree it's different, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's "worse." A lot of people, once they start recovering from their first psychotic episode (I'm not sure if you've gone through that yourself), try so hard to crawl back into the exact same life they had before everything hit the fan. But that's just not possible; life moves forward, and you eventually have to accept this new reality. My doctor explained it to me like this: you have Phase A before the illness, Phase B during the illness, and Phase C after it. There’s no going back to Phase A. However, Phase C doesn't have to be worse than Phase A. It doesn't even have to be better, really—it shouldn't even be compared to the old version of yourself. Tough times come and go. They come for everyone. I'm heading to bed now; I've been awake since 6:00 AM, and I'll probably be up at 6:00 again tomorrow. :/
Jose Ward4 said:Look, personally, I find the Haldol works okay for me. Actually, what carries over from the night into the next day is pretty minimal; the only thing I really notice is that it takes a bit more effort to wake up in the morning. Right now, I’m feeling fine. I have to brag a little, though it makes me a bit sad—I don't get to feel the sun, the wind, or almost any part of nature the way I did before I started the Haldol. That's why I was asking if you can still feel nature like you did before you started your meds while you're on the Lexapro. I guess I'm just scared of stopping this stuff and switching to something else. I don't know why, but it just bugs me. I'm only asking because I can really tell the difference between being on just the Vair (which I tried on my own) versus being on the Haldol. I wanted to see if you experience similar side effects with your prescriptions so maybe I can suggest something to my doctor to help me feel that connection again.
The truth is, every single medication comes with its own set of downsides, and there really isn't a perfect pill that works for everyone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that they aren't all created equal, and none of them are truly ideal, which is probably why there are so many different options out there to choose from. :/
Jose Ward4 said:Hey Diego Rivera. Thanks for getting back to me. I wanted to ask—do things feel "normal" to you now? Like, can you actually feel the rain, the wind, or the heat on your skin? Can you feel the presence of people or even just a cat brushing past you since you started the tablets? Do you notice a difference? Because for me, everything feels totally numb. My emotions are just... flat. Even physical sensations like the wind or the sun against my face—it's not like it used to be. Everything feels muted. 😢
I'm doing alright for the most part right now, though there have been plenty of times when I wasn't. To be honest, my feelings can get pretty muddled sometimes, or they just vanish entirely, which is tough. :/
Chloe Flores83 said:My true self? I feel like I lost it or just forgot where I put it over the last few months. I imagine the "real" me isn't afraid or worried; she's full of confidence, ready to take on the world, cheerful, optimistic, always helping others, blah blah blah...🥱.It sounds like I'm describing Superman or some cosmic hero. Right now, I'm mostly just acting like I have a little bit of that positivity left, which is honestly exhausting. What I miss most is God and that feeling of gratitude for this "beautiful world He created just for me"—even if there's not much of it left for me today. I don't want to admit to anyone that there's barely any of "me" left because I hate pity, but some people see right through me (so I don't hang out with them), and lately, I've just preferred being solo. Being alone is actually getting better. I don't have to pretend. I just need to reorganize my life a bit. And while I wait to become "Me" again, I find myself imagining a parallel universe where God abandoned me for some reason, just like He left Jesus to suffer on the cross. It's all in my head, right? And isn't a world without God just chaotic, empty, and boring—especially when you're by yourself? Is it even smart to be dreaming up parallel universes when you have "F20" written all over your forehead?
I have to tell you, I really appreciate your writing style. Your true self hasn't vanished; it's just trying to adjust to a new reality. Getting a schizophrenia diagnosis doesn't fundamentally change who you are, and neither do the medications. I don't think it's helpful to completely withdraw from people, but I also don't think you should run away from loneliness into a crowd. There has to be a healthy balance between social time and being alone. There were many times when I was spiraling into depression and just having one person around helped pull me back out, even if we never even touched upon my depression or my struggles at all. As for religion, God, and Jesus, I don't think we should get too caught up in those either; they are meant to be a source of support, not something that crushes our spirit. That's why I struggle with the idea that "God left you to suffer on the cross," because even Jesus's suffering eventually reached an end—even if that end was death, we shouldn't look at it quite that way. At least, I personally refuse to accept suffering unto death as the whole purpose of living. Now I'm drifting off into philosophy on you a little bit 🙂
Jose Ward4 said:I'm taking 4mg of Haldol and 10mg of Vaire at night. Nothing during the day. I have this nagging feeling that it's the Haldol, mostly because it's the thing that really levels me out, I guess. I've been on that Haldol ever since I got out of the hospital. Do you think I should ask my doctor about switching it up? Ever since I started, nothing feels quite the same—not even the sunlight or the breeze feels as vivid as it did before I was on pills.
Haldol is a pretty heavy hitter; it’s really one of the only first-generation antipsychotics still being used today, or at least the only one I’ve ever had to deal with. I was on it back when things were at their absolute worst, but mine came in injections three times a day. Vaire, on the other hand, is one of those newer second-generation options. I'm currently on Seroquel, which is also quite potent and an older med, along with an injection of Caplyta every four weeks. It turns out we actually have a very similar setup going, using a mix of an older drug and a newer one. I'm not entirely sure, but it might be worth having a conversation with your doctor—maybe the Haldol is just hitting you a little too hard. Then again, if it's providing that sense of calm you mentioned, maybe it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do...🤷
I tend to view my life in distinct chapters. There was early childhood, preschool, then elementary school, middle school, high school, college before my diagnosis, college after the diagnosis, and finally, the period following when I left school—which, honestly, feels like it’s been going on forever, though I officially graduated quite recently. Each of these stages brought its own set of struggles and triumphs; some were just typical growing pains shared by everyone my age, while others felt uniquely mine, experienced by very few. Before I actually got a formal diagnosis, I spent about two years trying to manage depression, which eventually shifted into manic episodes—sometimes managing them better than others. During my first full psychotic episode, I genuinely felt like I was on top of the world. I just let myself sink into that overwhelming sense of euphoria, mostly because it felt like such a massive relief after struggling so much with depression for so long. In the end, though, that high landed me in a psychiatric ward in Los Angeles for six months due to how severe the psychosis had become. I haven't missed a single dose of my medication since then—it's been nine years now—but even on days when I feel truly wonderful or perhaps a little too good, I can't help but wonder with a bit of skepticism: is the psychosis making a comeback? More often than not, however, I deal with the opposite issue: low moods, a lack of confidence, or just plain old depression. Aside from that major psychotic break, I've had a few milder episodes too. Right after being hospitalized, I usually don't need antidepressants, yet somehow, three months later, I find myself asking for them again. Currently, I'm taking a minimal therapeutic dose of Lamictal, which generally keeps my mood in a good place. I feel like I need this specific amount, but I worry that if I increase it, I might drift past "normal" and slip right back into a psychotic state. @Jose Ward4, what kind of medications are you currently taking?
Jose Ward4 said:I honestly can’t even feel the wind, the rain, or the heat from the sun like I used to back before I had my tablet 😢
Honestly, I don't think it's just the meds. If it is, you might be taking the wrong prescription or perhaps a dose that's a bit too high. But, if I'm being real, it’s much more likely that you're dealing with some negative symptoms of psychosis. That damn apathy... 👎
Jose Ward4 said:Harold Anderson3, you got any pets at home? A dog or maybe a cat? I’ve been thinking about getting a little puppy, just a small one, but honestly, I’m terrified I won't actually be able to bond with it. Ever since I started taking these pills—and it doesn't matter which ones, really—it feels like my emotions are just... muted. There's this weird numbness toward the animal kingdom. Do you think we're even capable of loving an animal anymore? Since being on this medication, everything living feels half-empty to me, except for women. And man, I miss women. I'm just feeling incredibly lonely.
I don't have any pets myself, though I do think they're wonderful because they bring so much life and genuine joy into a home. And to answer your question, yes, I believe we are still capable of love, even if it feels a bit dampened sometimes due to side effects or the medication itself. As for finding a relationship, who knows? Maybe you will find someone. Personally, I tend to avoid it because I always seem to end up disappointed in the end. Regardless, I'll be back at work tomorrow morning, just keeping things moving as usual.
Chloe Flores83 said:I think I totally get that—that feeling where you feel seventy years old, like you have zero motivation and you have to force yourself through every single activity. It’s like life just hit pause. Weekdays are manageable, but on Saturdays and Sundays, I wake up thinking everything is pointless because every day feels identical. Until a few months ago, despite being hospitalized, I had a wonderful, sunny life, but now I feel like a tree that’s been ripped right out of the ground, roots and all. It’s not like I’m dying, but this depression is always lurking somewhere inside me, just waiting in the shadows. How do you move past it? I'm just waiting for the "real me" to come back. And I know I need to pull myself together, too. I need to change something in my daily routine. Find a way to let the little things actually make me happy. Maybe that’s the answer for you, too.
But what exactly does that "true self" look like? I’ve come a long way since my diagnosis of schizophrenia, but I’m still nowhere near the kind of "normal" life most people my age lead. Most of my old high school classmates finished college and have already settled down and gotten married. Knowing that those milestones are completely out of reach for me makes me incredibly unhappy. Just as schizophrenia tore my mother's life apart, it’s doing the same to mine. The one major difference, though, is that my mother gave birth to me, whereas I don't have any children of my own. Sometimes—and maybe this sounds selfish—I wonder if my mother shouldn't have had a child given her illness. But then again, what would her life have been like? She probably would have ended up taking her own life. We have to find contentment in the small things, because the "big" things just aren't an option for us. For me, that means listening to music and drinking coffee. I’ll head to the store and pick up a little something for myself. Most of the time, I’m alone here in this big city. My roommate is an alcoholic and is rarely ever home, which honestly, is fine by me; I'd much rather be alone than stuck in bad company.
I’m dusting off this old thread from back in 2011; it saw a brief moment of life in 2016 before being tucked away again. To be honest, while I wouldn't go so far as to say my mental illness is the sole cause of everything going wrong in my life, it certainly deserves a good portion of the credit for the struggles I face. My mother’s health issues play a role too, as she’s been dealing with her own battles since long before I was born, and those challenges have trickled down to affect me directly. So, here I am at 30 years old, living with a schizophrenia diagnosis that was officially confirmed when I was 21, though the signs were clearly there five years prior to that. Despite all that, I actually managed to breeze through high school with pretty solid grades, but it feels almost like a different lifetime because college just wasn't meant to be; no matter how hard I pushed myself, changed majors, or tried different approaches, I simply couldn't make it stick. My romantic life has been just as shaky, and honestly, I think I’ve reached a point where I won't even try to find a partner anymore, because navigating dating with this diagnosis is such an uphill battle that even when things seem to be working, they usually end in disappointment for both sides. Physically, I’m perfectly healthy, so I’m able to take on manual labor jobs, which is essentially how I manage to get by day to day. I’ve really tried to help myself in every way possible, but I have to admit that the illness has beaten me down more times than I care to count. If I had to give my answer to this topic, it would be: in absolutely every single area of life. From my career prospects—assuming I can even stay employed—to my social life and my relationship with my family. It makes me sit back and wonder why I was even born in the first place, feeling this sense of isolation and depression. I find myself asking, is this really what the meaning of life is supposed to be?
I honestly convinced myself that psychiatrists had spent three whole years grooming me just to take down Sanders. It was back in 2009, and in my own head, everything felt perfectly logical; I had connected all the dots flawlessly, completely ignoring the fact that I don't have any actual connection to Sanders or politics whatsoever. Eventually, the hallucinations started creeping in, and as the symptoms began to subside, they seemed to reverse order—first the hallucinations cleared up, then the emotional chaos in my mind settled down, and interestingly enough, about a year after everything stabilized, I still had this intense feeling that I was being followed until that finally faded too.
Anyway, I saw my therapist today, though she didn't seem to have much time for a deep conversation, or perhaps she just wasn't feeling it. The main thing is that I took my medication, and I've been feeling steady for four weeks now.
E: Next time, I think I'll just tell her that I'm feeling pretty listless and that I feel way older than my actual age. Does anyone else deal with something similar? Just a bit of mild depression and things like that... :/