Posts by Harold Anderson3

Hey everyone. I’m really hoping to connect with some folks who might be able to offer a little support during what’s been a pretty rough stretch for me lately. I recently decided to step away from college, and now that I’m out there job hunting, things have felt quite lonely and I’ve been struggling with a bit of depression. I'm just hoping someone might reach out to chat, take care 👋

cosmiclynx79 said:I take 100 mg before bed and I manage fine. I feel a bit tired, but that’s the extent of it.

Yeah, though we should probably keep in mind that steelotter20 isn't actually trying to treat psychosis, just chronic insomnia...

steelotter20 said:Aha. Got it. That’s exactly what Lennon is doing. I’ve definitely felt that way myself.

Every medication comes with its own set of pros and cons, so I suppose we all have to weigh whether the benefits truly outweigh the downsides. In my experience, Lennon is a solid, highly effective AP—honestly, probably one of the most reliable ones out there.
The drawbacks are pretty much everything we just talked about, including the hypersalivation. That said, I suspect we’re both on relatively low doses (especially you). Some people end up taking as much as 500 or 600 mg of Lennon a day. For me personally, it can be a bit tricky to tell which symptoms are side effects from the meds and which ones are actually negative psychosis symptoms, since those two things tend to overlap sometimes.

steelotter20 said:I wasn't asking about the pros and cons here. I'm asking how you actually feel the next day. Do you end up feeling groggy, sluggish, or just totally out of it?

I’m actually going through a bit of a low period right now, so I’ve dropped down to 25 mg.
>>I definitely feel slowed down, sleepy, and a bit depressed, but honestly, I think that's just because of the phase I'm currently in rather than the Lennon itself.

steelotter20 said:How does everyone else handle Clozapine when you take it? I took half of a 25 mg dose and ended up sleeping for 13 hours straight. To make matters worse, I felt totally out of it all day tomorrow—just groggy and sluggish.
I honestly don't know how any of you manage to function on this medication.

My routine usually involves taking 50mg at night, though some nights I'll stick to 25mg and other times I might go up to 75mg. It works wonders for managing psychosis, and it helps with insomnia too, provided that the sleeplessness is actually tied to psychotic symptoms. As far as using it strictly as a sleep aid on its own? I wouldn't say I know for sure.

darksurfer4 said:Yeah, I think I follow. You have to coordinate the roots and the branches, and of course, the trunk that binds them all together.

I just don't quite grasp this idea about the "too fast" process. What exactly is wrong with those fast-growing, pliable trees? They won't snap even in a massive gale; they just bend with the wind. Isn't being flexible supposed to be the goal in life?

Speaking personally, my own roots feel more established now; I'm reaching toward the light, and I can honestly say that the older I get, the better I feel. Yet, there’s still this lingering regret over so much wasted time in my life, so I have to ask: what's the downside to growing faster?

There is something gnawing at me, something no one can give me a definitive answer to, but I'll put it out there anyway. When I was twenty-four, I was profoundly unhappy—suicidal, even; I was absolutely consumed by fears and all sorts of things. Back then, I sought psychiatric help, though I must admit it felt incredibly uncomfortable because, frankly, the whole thing felt fundamentally wrong. I saw a psychiatrist briefly at a local medical center, but I cut it short pretty quickly—partly due to that discomfort, but also because the entire experience just felt utterly pointless to me.🤔 Now, looking back with more certainty, I can't claim to know everything, but I stopped seeing mental health professionals altogether. Instead, we armed ourselves at home with a computer and an internet connection, and I started digging through the web, researching psychology, my own conditions, medical reports, papers, and so on. That’s how I stumbled upon this forum, and as I've mentioned before, writing here on this "psychological couch" has genuinely helped me.

But what haunts me is the "what if." What if I had actually stuck with professional therapy? Would my roots have grown faster? Would my arms have reached toward the sun sooner, and with more heart?

You were banned for a little while there.👍
Look, I think psychiatrists are for people who truly, desperately need them.
If someone is able to pull themselves through on their own, that's arguably much better than relying on professional intervention.
It's the same logic as saying it's better to function without medication than to depend on it.
And so on. Personally, I'm glad medication exists because I truly rely on it, even if I wish I didn't have to take it.
For me, popular psychology books were also a huge help.
There is this concept often discussed called the 'plateau experience.' It isn't enough to simply climb to a certain height; you actually have to be able to stay there. Constantly ascending and then crashing back down isn't exactly a positive way to live either (which is something I struggle with, along with anyone else prone to manic-depressive cycles).

The weather is absolutely gorgeous lately, so I was thinking it might be a nice idea for us to get together this weekend—maybe grab some coffee on a patio or just go for a long walk somewhere nice.
It would be really wonderful if we could pull together a group of four or five people. 🙂

Rebecca Rivera3 said:I'm scared. I truly admire everyone who has managed to recover, but I honestly don't think I'll be one of those success stories. I just went through a hospitalization, and since my medication still isn't quite right, all the symptoms are still hitting me hard.

What kind of treatment are you on right now? And which hospital were you staying at?

Paul Sullivan9 said:Look, I take my meds because, honestly, they’re necessary right now. But the whole point isn't just popping pills; it's about finally wrapping my head around how this illness actually works. It’s like... back in the day, I was taking stuff and still felt like garbage—just constant symptoms hitting me from every angle. Now? Nothing. Zero. And that’s because I’ve been doing the actual work on myself. The medication isn't some magic wand, and I'm not looking at it to fix my life for me. I have to be the one to step up and deal with my own mess. My goal is to eventually ditch the Cipralex and just stick to one pill on Lexapro.

I’m also trying to get by on the lowest possible dose that is still sustainable. The tricky part is that my stability fluctuates depending on whatever life is throwing at me. For instance, if I'm just hanging out at home without much on my plate, I need a much lighter regimen than if I were working a high-pressure job in Chicago. I've noticed that once I settle into a healthy routine and stay at the same job for a while, my need for heavy medication starts to decrease too.

Peter Murphy6 said:So, what you're saying is—you totally vented all that stress this morning because of the job hunt, then just sat down, chilled out, processed things, and somehow even found a silver lining despite everything you wrote here?

Don't beat yourself up about it—what you were feeling makes total sense 🙂

Glad to hear things are looking up 👍

Is the residency stuff going to be a headache?

After getting let go from two jobs in just ten days (though I technically walked away myself, even if I hadn't, I would have been fired), I honestly sensed the termination coming even before I had signed the contract.

I don't think there will be any trouble with my residency, since I have an address where I'm living in Washington, D.C., I just haven't officially registered yet.

@Joseph Bailey41, I really appreciate you being able to put yourself in my shoes and understand what I'm going through right now. 😛 🤣

Peter Murphy6 said:Hey Harold, how'd that contract signing go?

I actually need to sort out my residency paperwork in Washington, D.C. before I can get to that, but other than that, everything should be smooth sailing.

Honestly, I was feeling so incredibly overwhelmed this morning that right after I started this thread, I actually headed toward the hospital thinking I might need to be admitted. On my way there, though, I decided to pull over for a quick coffee, and after sitting in the cafe for about an hour, my perspective shifted and my mood improved quite a bit. To top it all off, an old friend reached out to me out of the blue, which was such a lovely surprise. I’m feeling much more like myself now.

neonsailor26 said:Wait, who is Amon?

He was a mutual friend of ours who passed away by suicide about a year ago. 🕺

Jason Kim6 said:Harold Anderson3, please don't do anything drastic. Taking your own life would—I guess you could say—only end up hurting yourself and everyone around you, including us here. We're all just dealing with our own fates, I suppose. I couldn't tell Amon to stop because I had no idea he was even going to do it, but now... I'm telling you.

I really appreciate that, truly, but I'm not going to hurt myself; I just tend to go through these brief but incredibly intense bouts of depression. Looking back at what I wrote this morning, I can hardly believe it was me, which is why I was asking to have the thread locked.

Could someone please lock or just delete this thread? Honestly, I’m cringing at the title and everything else I wrote here. Thanks!

neonsailor26 said:What kind of work are we talking about here?

Is this your first gig, or have you been around the block a few times?

It’s just pushing carts at a local shopping mall. It should be my first permanent position. I actually have quite a bit of experience under my belt, though most of it was just various part-time student gigs...
The benefits include being first on the hiring list, plus health and retirement coverage. I did spend about a year working at one place, but that was all under a temporary student contract.

So, I’ve got about a two-hour window before my next big thing—signing a contract for a new job—so I figured I’d start a new thread here.
Sadly, this is going to be yet another one of those posts centered on depression, failures, loneliness, and just general misery.
I’m officially thirty years old now, yet I can't find a single positive thing to hold onto in my life.
I'll admit, I'm writing this with quite a few tears in my eyes.
I honestly wish I didn't have to put all of this into words, but I'm writing because I don't see any other way to get it out.
My depression and my health issues in general have basically dismantled my entire life.
I know I really need psychotherapy, but it's just not something I can afford right now.
A lot of people try to give me advice along the lines of "stop feeling sorry for yourself," "just snap out of it," or "you're still young."
But even those people eventually give up on me, leaving me feeling incredibly lonely most of the time.
If this job doesn't work out, I'm looking at being completely unable to work.
I think if that happens, I might actually reach my breaking point.
I could see myself just jumping from the 13th floor of some apartment building in the middle of the night.
I've heard stories about people living perfectly normal lives with schizophrenia, but those feel like rare exceptions; for most people, the reality is the exact opposite, and mine is no different.
My mother has been retired since she was 35, having built her entire existence around me, especially after she divorced my father (she was 27, and I was only 3).
Even if I manage to find a relationship, it’ll likely be short-lived because of my illness and my own fragile, broken character.
I realize I've probably rambled through everything, but I just didn't know how else to express this sense of utter despair.

Honestly, I’d give just about anything for an opportunity like that.
But let’s be real—you wouldn't find yourself facing a chance like this if you hadn't already put in the work and proven what you're capable of.
It’s definitely going to change you, though I suspect you'll still be fundamentally the same person at your core.
Just a slightly better version—more experienced, maybe a little more seasoned, and certainly more valuable.
Good luck!

Matthew Castillo5 said:It sounds incredibly bizarre to me that a psychiatrist would hand out a diagnosis based solely on something a parent said rather than through an actual interview with the patient. But hey, in a place like Canada, anything can happen, so I guess this is just more of the same. 🙄

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this too. Based on what Visionary is laying out here, there’s just no way that diagnosis is accurate. It makes you wonder...

Angela Murphy74 said:Hmm, I actually had a run-in with a dog back in the early 90s and ended up getting vaccinated for rabies right after. I was just wondering if that counts as lifelong immunity or if I’m supposed to get a booster shot down the line. Not that I’m particularly worried, but since I tend to be a bit of a sucker for every stray cat I run into...

I remember being told once that the vaccine only lasts about a year, though Mark Baker17 mentioned it might cover you for five years instead.
It’s very possible that medical guidelines have shifted since then, too.

@Mark Baker17/">@@Mark Baker17 thanks for adding that extra bit of info, I appreciate it! 😉

Mark Baker17 said:actually, if you get bitten by an animal where there's no data available, or if the creature isn't accessible
for quarantine, the standard recommendation is to just go ahead with the rabies vaccine...

That’s exactly right. I actually had a run-in with a bat about ten years ago that ended up biting me. The doctors told me that since I accidentally killed it, they couldn't send it off for testing to see if it was actually rabid or not. Since they couldn't verify anything, they insisted I get the shots, even though it most likely wasn't infected. Those post-exposure vaccines can be incredibly expensive, but then again, rabies is a hundred percent fatal, so my doctor wasn't about to take any chances with my life.