Back then, I was just a kid, looking at everything through those innocent eyes, so I didn't really notice anyone else in the story.. Now, obviously, I see it all clearly, but I guess that sense of solitude has been etched into my mind from the very beginning..
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always told myself the same thing: when I get old, my husband will be the first to go ( 😁 which, I guess, is the most realistic scenario). I’ll find myself a cozy little cottage out in the countryside—maybe one of those rustic, old-fashioned places with a private well in the yard and a massive tree nearby with branches so heavy they practically threaten to crush the roof. I can see myself resting in its shade on an old, weathered bench. I’d have a wood-burning stove and a collection of chipped ceramic bowls, tin plates, and mismatched mugs for drinking linden tea—the kind you brew yourself from leaves you just picked. That sounds like the life, honestly. Somewhere deep in the woods, or maybe right on the edge of them. I imagine waking up to the sound of birds chirping and drifting off to sleep to the rhythm of the crickets. My days would just be spent walking, gathering wild berries for jam or tea, gardening, digging, and getting my hands dirty with handfuls of soil. And when I finally pass away, I suppose nobody will even know. I’ll just become part of the forest; we’ll merge together as if I were never even a separate thing in all this beauty. I’ll turn into the grass, the ivy, the poppies, and the wheat.
There’s nothing quite like meeting someone who actually gives you a firm handshake instead of that "dead fish" thing. It just feels right, I guess. And honestly? It would be such a relief to talk to someone who can hold a conversation without falling back on the usual script—you know, the endless loop of "how’ve you been," "how's work," or talking about the weather. It gets so tedious after a while. Maybe it's just me, but those predictable topics really drain my energy.
Emily Rivera45 said:I'm worried that if I say that, everything will just go back to how it was. Since she's a licensed professional, she might be legally responsible if I were to hurt myself. I'm scared she might suggest hospitalization or refer me to someone else... since she's a psychotherapist, maybe I need a psychiatrist instead. She's actually helped me quite a bit, and I don't want to risk losing her support...
For me, just showing up to talk to someone is a huge step. So no, it isn't pointless... it's just one more way I'm trying to pull myself through this...
Could you explain? I'm not sure what you mean...
It doesn't quite work that way, I think. A psychiatrist would evaluate your situation, and they might prescribe some antidepressants. That could maybe give you the little nudge you need to get through this while you work through things in therapy.
I was terrified of being hospitalized too, but I ended up walking into the psychiatrist's office in total tears, completely shaken and overwhelmed. I honestly thought they might just force a sedative on me right then and there. And yet, here I am. They usually make a big deal out of everything.
But ultimately, you're the one who knows how much these thoughts are weighing on you and whether seeing a psychiatrist is truly necessary. Personally, I wouldn't be afraid. Maybe you could just mention that you've lost your sense of purpose in life; you don't necessarily have to bring up suicidal ideation. She probably won't be happy that you're withholding things, but at least she'll get a hint. You decide how much you want to share.
I mean, you should probably just tell that therapist, or whoever it is you're talking to about those past experiences, that it really bothered you. Maybe let them know you aren't looking for a pity party or extra attention, but rather some actual tools on how to handle those kinds of thoughts.
I guess I only really realized how long this had been simmering—how many times I’d actually cycled through similar phases before—once things finally hit a breaking point and became totally unbearable. This time, though, I just snapped. Maybe if I’d known how to actually read the warning signs earlier, I might have reacted sooner. It doesn't always have to be an emergency, but I truly believe we should all be looking after our mental health just as much as our physical health, if not more so.
I find myself agreeing with Laura Castillo6 once again. Maybe we’ve all just been talking in circles a bit too much lately. These endless debates don't really seem to be getting us anywhere, I guess. Honestly, if someone is worried about a pathology, they should probably just head over to a specialist and get a straight answer.
Joseph Bailey41 said:I guess you agreed with the idea that "thoughts control a person," and since you were dealing with some pretty dark thoughts yourself, I was just wondering. 🤷
They really do control us. It's not just mental stuff either; they trigger physical, somatic responses too. That’s how it works with my diagnosis, at least. It's like a chain reaction, I guess. I suppose people don't take their own lives because they *decided* to, but rather because of what they were thinking. Actions follow thoughts, right? Or maybe not always. But then again, there's always that one final straw that breaks the camel's back.
Laura Castillo6 said:Working alongside Massachusetts General Hospital is the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, where you can walk in without an appointment or referral between 8 AM and 8 PM, or call them anytime, 24/7.
Suicidal thoughts aren't "normal," and they aren't the result of a brain functioning correctly. A person isn't in control of these thoughts; rather, the thoughts are in control of them. All the famous people who have taken their own lives did so because of addiction, depression, or other mental health struggles.
People who believe that thinking about suicide is normal really need to talk to someone who doesn't experience those thoughts. Even then, it's hard to convince someone struggling with suicidal ideation that it isn't just a natural function of a healthy psyche.
The difference between someone who has acted on suicide and someone who is living with constant suicidal thoughts is clearly the level of dysfunction in the brain's communication. Once that line is crossed— 🙂
Well, I'm still here, aren't I? Maybe the answer lies in that part of the post I quoted. Or maybe I just reached out for help in time. It’s pretty standard that thoughts drive a person—I mean, what else is a person if not their thoughts? But when those thoughts become pathological, it’s hard to say where the line is, or how far they might outweigh the "normal" ones. It isn't really black and white. I suppose it feels a bit inappropriate to comment on someone having suicidal thoughts this way. You have to wonder why. But then again, this is a forum, and we all hide behind nicknames, which makes it easy to talk tough. Anyway, I’d suggest the author keeps that in mind, and I’d definitely advise reaching out to a psychiatrist or a therapist. They can figure out if this is just venting or if it's something more serious.
I just started my medication, and I think they’re actually working. I'm seeing a psychiatrist now for regular check-ins, and we're planning to get me started on psychotherapy soon too, once we touch base about it.
Laura Castillo6 said:Working alongside Massachusetts General Hospital is the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, where you can walk in without an appointment or referral between 8 AM and 8 PM, or call them anytime, 24/7.
Suicidal thoughts aren't "normal," and they aren't the result of a brain functioning correctly. A person isn't in control of these thoughts; rather, the thoughts are in control of them. All the famous people who have taken their own lives did so because of addiction, depression, or other mental health struggles.
People who believe that thinking about suicide is normal really need to talk to someone who doesn't experience those thoughts. Even then, it's hard to convince someone struggling with suicidal ideation that it isn't just a natural function of a healthy psyche.
The difference between someone who has acted on suicide and someone who is living with constant suicidal thoughts is clearly the level of dysfunction in the brain's communication. Once that line is crossed— 🙂
I agree. I was actually just diagnosed with anxiety and depressive disorder. I went through a phase of suicidal thoughts too, which I didn't want, and I honestly thought I’d never actually act on them. But something else actually scared me more. One day, I just had these awful nihilistic thoughts—this sense of total emptiness, like the future simply didn't exist... I won't go into too much detail. Anyway, I completely lost it. I tried to argue with myself to push those thoughts away, telling myself, "Hey, tomorrow is Christmas, things will get better, remember who's coming over, what we'll do, watching the kids open their gifts." I was trying so hard to force my way out of that darkness. But nothing worked. It was almost like I was talking to a stranger outside of myself. It's a terrifying feeling. They say anxiety is basically a disorder of thought. And I suppose depression is too. The only thing you can really do, I guess, is learn how to bridge that gap in therapy. Without any help, I don't think it's possible.
I recently started taking Lexapro at 1.5mg three times a day, and I’ve been feeling pretty drowsy lately. My body just feels heavy, you know? On the bright side, it’s actually helping quite a bit with my anxiety—it really has calmed me down. I guess I was wondering if this level of sleepiness is normal, or if maybe the dosage is a bit too high for me? I'm also taking 5mg of St. John's Wort in the morning along with some Neurobion