Posts by Zachary James5

Casey Bennett said:I honestly have no idea how the admins are going to react to a username that’s such a tongue-twister, but I say go ahead and give it a shot 😁
Just send Nica the link to the first post.

Sent!

Casey Bennett said:Can we just drop the number? Zachary James5, what gives?

Sure can.

Can we change this to "Zachary James5"?

Yeah, let's go with Zachary James5.

@Maxime

It sounds like we’re dealing with pretty much the same thing. My older sister is a total Facebook addict, too.
Take a look at the advice posted above; maybe some of it will click for you.

@Nathan Kelly5
It would be foolish of me to say I feel sorry for you. I hope you understand why.

@Nathan Kelly5

It’s been ages since that blowout with my roommates. Two years ago, maybe? Back then, I didn't know how to stand my ground. I think I finally do now.
As for my dad—don't worry, we used to clash all the time. We had our fair share of stupid arguments and heavy blowouts, but nothing ever escalated into a massive disaster.
Then one day, it just clicked: I can't change them.
A while back, I had everything organized for my PC setup in two small bins (cables, USB, stuff like that). A few days later, my dad comes looking for an SD card. I told him it was right there in the bins. He got frustrated, started muttering under his breath... but eventually, he found the card and used it for a bit.
But did he put it back in the bin? No. He just tossed it in a drawer.
He didn't follow the system I set up to keep things tidy.
That was my lightbulb moment. He's actually the messy one. All that talk about everyone else being disorganized? It's just projection. He's just projecting his own flaws onto us.

I realize now I have to move on with my life. Maybe what I'm feeling is just the residue of a childhood spent chasing this dream of a perfect, happy family that never existed. And honestly? I don't regret how things turned out. Even if it was foolish, scary, or depressing. There's no point in staying angry.

Got any more advice?
What's your experience been like? I'd love to hear.

brightridge59 said:Now that we've laid all this information out on the table, I find myself wondering what your actual endgame is. What is it that you're truly looking for here? Are you hoping to mend these relationships and get things back on track, or is your primary goal to steer clear of them as much as possible?

I don't think fixing these relationships is an option anymore. There's just too much damage, and frankly, they're too wrapped up in themselves to ever change.
Avoiding them isn't really feasible, but acting like none of this matters? That's easier said than done.
My plan was to just let things play out and see how long I can hold out. Still... does focusing solely on my own life and my own future make me selfish?

@ brightridge59

So, yesterday he’s screaming at my mom because her laundry was sitting in the tub when he wanted to shower. She asked him why he was yelling, and then he just starts hurling everything from the tub right at her face. I was standing just a foot away, staring him down, wondering why the hell he was even looking at me. Honestly? I was ready to throw hands.

He knows exactly where I stand. I told him straight up once: I don't trust you, and I think you actually want to see me fail.

As for the roommate situation—yeah, it was always like this. Things only started looking up after I finished high school. But before that mess with the roommates? It was constant.
Things with my mom are fine, though we aren't super close. She protects him, but she doesn't pretend he's a saint. She calls him out sometimes, which just makes him blow up and sulk (and honestly, she’s right to do it). She knows he's a psychological bully, but she tells me I have to put up with him if I want to make it through college.

Done.

@ brightridge59
It’s not like he gets physical, but the psychological stuff? He absolutely lives for it. For instance, if his mother doesn't bring him something right away—like a glass of water—he’ll sulk for the entire day and just refuse to speak to her. He’s also a master at shifting blame. You know how it goes: you listen to him, you follow his lead, and then he turns around and uses that against you. There’s only one way to do things in his world: his way.

He’d actually hit me on the head sometimes, like a "warning." His whole tactic was to intentionally provoke me, mock me, or insult me, and the second I snapped back, he’d shut down and give me the silent treatment. When I asked him why he does it, he’d claim he was just trying to "toughen me up" so I wouldn't have issues with people out there (as if I need that, right?). But if I gave him a taste of his own medicine, he’d lose it.
In his mind, this is how he helps. This is his version of "best practice": psychologically attacking me so I’ll become mentally resilient enough to handle other abusers later.
Personally? It makes zero sense. I could use someone who acts as a support system, not someone constantly holding my growth back.
The other day, he walked into my room while I was working through some math problems. He lost it. Told me I shouldn't be doing that and that I should be resting instead (probably by lying around all day like he does). Honestly, it was insulting.

Back in the dorms, I was always the guy helping everyone out. I’d run out to grab cigarettes for my roommates, tutor them in math, pick up movies or books for them, even lend them money (which, by the way, they never paid back).

@rapidcobra

Keep your chin up.

gentlemaker102 said:I personally believe that men can be extremely tidy and clean, and I don't think it's necessarily a matter of how they were raised—it's more about who they are as individuals. Perhaps, though, it could be a way of showing respect for the effort their parents put into maintaining the home. And really, there shouldn't be such things as "men's chores" or "women's chores." It's perfectly reasonable that a woman might not want to go out and chop wood if there are men in the house, or handle concrete work or moving heavy furniture—those are traditionally masculine tasks—but that doesn't mean a man should live in a pigsty or neglect his responsibilities entirely. On the other hand, I struggle to understand women who allow that to happen either. It feels like it should be part of our nature, somehow. Why wouldn't anyone want to help their mother by tidying up their room or the basement? Or, eventually, their spouse?
Anyway, credit to you for your hard work, but just a word of caution... once you show someone exactly how much you're capable of and how much you know... they will always try to take advantage of you.

Back when I was a sophomore living in the dorms at State University, I definitely got taken advantage of. Especially by my roommates back then. I know how that goes, so I'll follow your advice and stay mindful of that in the future.

brightridge59 said:Whether you’re naturally organized or a bit of a mess doesn't actually have much bearing on whether you can handle demanding roles. 🤷
I mean, washing dishes isn't exactly rocket science, but if someone hasn't spent any time doing manual labor or keeping a kitchen tidy, they aren't going to magically develop those habits overnight.

So, I was wondering—what exactly makes this situation such a headache? Is it just their general lack of tidiness, or is there more to the story that you haven't mentioned yet?
You certainly covered a lot of ground in your post.

Look, when I asked what the problem was, I was trying to frame a question so you could tell me exactly what you're looking for.
What's your angle here? Tell me, and I'll try to give you a better answer.

@ Sean Vaughn

I noticed those issues a while back, but now they’ve finally hit a breaking point.
I've been fixing up an old bike, riding it for at least an hour every day. Next week, I'm actually going to start training seriously.
@ brightridge59

I’ve had this fear since I was a kid, and honestly, it just seems to follow me everywhere.
As for college? I don't know. I'm not even sure if this is the right path, but I'm going to do it.

Look, I can handle the heavy lifting, but you have to master the basics first—like being organized. You can't just toss your tools anywhere or walk away from a table leaving a mess of plates behind.

What's the big deal?

Zachary Howard2 said:Men are generally messy—with rare exceptions like yourself—so trying to change that habit is probably a losing battle. Instead of suggesting your mother clean out the basement, why didn't you just step up and do it yourself?
If your father actually wanted to leave your mother, he would have done it by now; it’s all just empty talk.
Having had to fend for yourself since you were four years old, I imagine it's difficult to adjust to a different way of living.
Enjoy having parents around to tell you what to do while you still can. I lost mine five and two years ago, respectively, and having just crossed the 30 mark, I've only just realized, much to my regret, how much they truly meant to me.
Give it some thought.

I mentioned her that way so she could see what I was doing. I tossed everything of mine that was useless or unnecessary. I made sure to separate my stuff, setting aside things that belonged to others so the rest of the household could decide if they were worth keeping.
I did take initiative. I started organizing all the junk that had been piling up in my room for four years. When I wasn't home, things just got tossed in there because they weren't being used or were just clutter.
And my parents matter to me. I never said I wanted them gone. It's just... living under the same roof is tough.

My father walked out on my mother a few times, even if it was just for a day. I remember from when I was a kid, he’d leave the house and wouldn't check in until midnight. He'd come back drunk.
Which, I have to admit, feels strange. He graduated from a really demanding university—only about ten people in his class actually finished—and he had this impressive career as a professor and academic.

He was supposed to be one of the youngest masters in the entire country at the time, but then life happened—something that might happen to me too. During his senior year of college, my parents split up.

Are men messy? I think they're taught to be. In my family, at least, there's this unwritten rule that I handle the heavy lifting—chopping wood, assembling furniture—while the women are expected to keep the house tidy.
I realized this because I finally saw that achieving any kind of success requires at least a baseline level of order.

Well, I’m trying to build a life for myself here.
But honestly? It’s hard to wrap my head around the idea that they’ll just carry on like nothing changed once I’m gone. I can't quite believe they'll just... fade away.

@ vividangler4🙂)

I've seen better, sure, but I’m doing my best to make something out of what I've got. Nobody ever actually taught me how to be organized. Ironically, the very people constantly nagging me to tidy up were total slobs themselves. My father used to lecture me about it all the time, yet he wouldn't lift a finger to clean up after himself.

@ hiddenmarlin14

For now, I just need to try and keep my cool. But there are certain things I just can't stomach—things that genuinely bring tears to my eyes. Watching the way my father treats my mother, the way he yells at her... it's gut-wrenching. He drops hints sometimes that he'll leave her the moment I'm a sophomore or junior in college, and I feel completely powerless. Sometimes, I just want to snap at him, or even lash out.
My mother has been one of the most important people in my life—maybe even the only real pillar of support I've had.

I’ll find a way to help them. Today, I managed to subtly nudge my mom into cleaning out a bit of the basement.

I’ve got a massive problem with my parents. And honestly, just with my whole family.

For four years, I lived in a boarding school—except for summers and holidays—and it’s only now, right before I head off to college, that I’m realizing just how different we all are.

Let me give you a few examples:

I’m an organized person. Back at school, I had a ton of stuff, so I had to keep everything within reach, but it was all neatly arranged, even if my room felt tiny. I’d clean at least twice a week, take out the trash regularly, and so on. You could say I was almost excessively tidy—a bit of a "nerd" or a "geek," I guess.
But my parents, my sister, and my grandma are my total opposites.

My mom in her own house and my grandma in hers are the only people who actually know where anything is located. For instance, when you go looking for a screwdriver and can’t find it in the garage, so you ask the "bosses" where it went, they’ll tell you it’s in the bathroom! It drives me crazy because it makes zero sense.

Or when I need to put things back that they’ve picked up. Like, say, a piece of wood my dad used for a project, and when I ask him where to put it back, he just says, “Just put it over there.”
Needless to say, I have no idea what "there" actually means. When I take it somewhere I think is appropriate, like the workshop, they just tell me, “Don't blame me, you don't know any better.”

You’d think life would be easier if things were kept in some kind of order, but when you have a hundred items scattered all over the house like this, it’s a total disaster.

Furthermore, I hate it when they tell me what to do. The most banal, irritating example is when they lecture me—a skinny guy—about what I should eat and how much. Aside from my sister, they’re all pretty large.
They’re constantly offering me food. After lunch, they’ll tell me to have more, try a little of this, or ask if I want dessert.
When I was at boarding school, I had a set meal schedule. I’d eat five or six times a day, eating as healthy as possible. Since I was living there, I didn't have the chance to cook for myself. I tried to keep my diet varied and ate plenty of fruits and vegetables because I played sports and stayed active, studying not just for school but researching things I was personally interested in.

I can’t talk about anything with them because they’re stuck in their own weird heads. My father talks to my grandma—his mother—constantly, maybe thirty times a day, and all they ever discuss is what they ate, or something I said once, or blah blah blah... She is the most important person in his life.

One last thing: there was almost a car accident recently. I wasn't there, but my father told me how he nearly got into a physical fight with the other driver. He was furious for a while, and then he came up with the stupidest reason I’ve ever heard: he blamed my mom because she didn't stop him from fighting, even though he didn't actually fight anyone. I immediately thought, how idiotic is that? Why does he need her? Does he need someone to babysit him?
It goes without saying that he blames my mother for everything that goes wrong in his life.

I want to know how to deal with this suffocating feeling of pressure and how to get through these next few months.
I can't live normally; it’s such a strange sensation. They expect me to talk to them, but I won't, because I don't really trust them. During the worst parts of my puberty, they weren't there for me or gave me any support at all.
Things were worse before; I was just a kid, terrified they were going to get a divorce. My father used to threaten my mother with that constantly, ever since we started going on summer vacations together. I didn't have a great childhood, but I don't want to cry about it—that's in the past. Now I have a different problem that I think I can solve. Or maybe I can't. But I want to do something about it.

I’m about to start college soon and need to pick up a laptop for my studies. My main concern? Eye strain. I’ve got a -5.00 prescription in both eyes, so I really don't want to make things worse.
Does screen size actually make a difference for eye fatigue?
Any advice or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.