Support resources for families dealing with cancer and other serious illnesses

Melissa Parker37 said:Yesterday, they started giving Dad morphine straight into his veins because he just couldn't take the pain anymore. His physical condition is pretty bad; he hasn't been eating normally for over a month, and for the last two weeks, he's barely managed a few bites. Naturally, his blood work is terrible, and having Type 2 diabetes isn't helping either—his liver and pancreas are basically a disaster zone at this point. He was still lucid until the day before yesterday, but yesterday he slept almost the entire day because of the morphine. I asked the head doctor to explain what we should expect, and he told me things are only going to get worse and that morphine is all we have left. This morning, Mom begged me to ask the hospital if they could let him come home so she could look after him, but I don't think that's the smartest move. I don't want to shut her down—he’s my father too and she would do anything for him—and they really are being well taken care of in the hospital, plus neither Mom nor I are equipped to handle this level of care. I feel completely lost. God, help me!

I hear both of you loud and clear, but I also know that personally, I’d want to spend my final days surrounded by family in my own bed... it's such an intimate thing.
Ask the doctor how feasible and acceptable that would be, and whether it actually makes sense from a medical standpoint. Honestly, you can arrange for morphine and oxygen at home, just like you can manage daily nursing care. The most important thing is that Dad has constant pain control. He might even perk up a bit being back in his own environment. If you go that route, I’d strongly suggest trying to rent one of those specialized hospital beds from a local medical supply company. I mean the ones with hydraulic adjustments and anti-decubitus air mattresses. You will absolutely break your back without one, and speaking from experience, I can't recommend them enough. Usually, you can rent those beds for a pretty reasonable monthly fee.
Oh man, I am so incredibly sorry things have reached this point😢...I know what you're all going through, and if it helps at all, just know that you can get through this and come out the other side okay.
Hang in there.

Melissa Parker37, please try discussing that option with the doctor. I know a friend whose grandfather stayed at home and was given morphine, though it was via patches. If the doctor agrees, Mom would definitely want that, and I’m sure it would also give Dad some peace of mind to have him at home. Angela Wright gave you some solid advice, but please run everything by the doctor first; the priority right now is just making him as comfortable as possible. Hang in there!

How can I let a beloved family member know how much I love and appreciate them—and how grateful I am for everything they've done—without being overly sentimental and making the focus entirely about their illness? Plus, I'm not in a position to visit them regularly right now.

To be honest, just like with you guys, Nancy Hernandez43, my family isn't really the type that's constantly hugging and kissing and being mushy. We love each other, but we don't say it out loud. I usually assume everyone else feels the same way, but sometimes I wonder if they truly realize the depth of it. Every family shows love differently. But right now, I want to make sure my mom knows she's my queen, without making her feel like we're saying goodbye... because that’s not an option; there are still battles to win. If I were home right now, I'd just want to hold her hand and never let go, but I'm afraid of overwhelming her. I also struggle with expressing emotions verbally; I've always been better at writing things down, but even a letter might come across like a final farewell. Oh God, I've never been able to properly describe how much the soul can ache.

mellowbison13 said:How can I let a beloved family member, who is seriously ill, know just how much I love and appreciate them—how grateful I am for everything they've given me—without being overly sentimental and making the whole situation about my own grief? And it’s not like I can be there visiting constantly.

The thing is, just like you two, vita-vita and Nancy Hernandez43, we aren't the type of family that’s always coddling each other or constant with the hugs and kisses. We love each other, certainly, but we don't say it out loud. I usually assume everyone else feels it too, but sometimes I wonder if they truly grasp the depth of it. Every family has its own way of showing affection. But right now, I want to make sure my mother feels it. I want her to know she's the queen on her throne, but I don't want her to think we're saying goodbye... because that’s not an option right now; there are still battles to be fought and fights to win. If I were home right now, I’d probably just hold her tight and never let go. But I’m afraid that might actually overwhelm her. Honestly, expressing emotions has always been a struggle for me; I find it much easier to get things down on paper, but even then, I worry a letter might sound too much like a farewell. Goodness, I’ve never quite known how to articulate the way a soul aches.

Check this out for some insight on emotional support...

Melissa Parker37 said:Yesterday, they started administering morphine intravenously because his pain had become simply unmanageable... His physical condition is deteriorating rapidly, as he hasn't been able to eat a proper meal in over a month, and for the last two weeks, it has been down to mere bites... Naturally, his bloodwork is poor, and having Type II diabetes complicates everything; his liver and pancreas are essentially in a state of catastrophe. He was still lucid until the day before yesterday, but yesterday he spent nearly the entire day sleeping off the morphine... I asked the attending physician to explain what we might expect, and he was blunt: things will only get worse, and morphine is our only remaining option. This morning, my mother begged me to ask the hospital if he could be discharged so she could care for him at home, though I suspect that isn't the most prudent course of action... I don't want to dismiss her wishes—he is my father too, and she would give anything for him—and while the care here at the hospital is excellent, neither Mom nor I are equipped for this level of medical necessity. I feel completely lost... God, help me.

I cannot begin to fathom the weight of everything passing through your mind right now, and my heart truly goes out to you regarding your father's condition.

Speaking from my own experience, even though I wasn't directly involved in the care, we transitioned my grandfather from the hospital back to our home, where we arranged for a visiting nurse and my grandmother took over his daily needs.

It seems to me that a familiar home environment with the two of you might suit him better than the harshness of a hospital and the faces of strangers; perhaps being in that setting might even provide him with a small boost in strength...

There is no such thing as perfect advice in these matters, only the intuition that you should do whatever he would have wanted...
Stay strong, and try your best not to weep in front of him, because regardless of how non-lucid he may seem at times, he is still very much aware of his surroundings... Talk to him, if only because it might offer some solace to you as well.

mellowbison13 said:How does one convey love and appreciation to a beloved family member who is seriously ill—expressing gratitude for everything they’ve provided throughout life—without becoming overly sentimental and inadvertently centering the conversation on their illness? Especially when I am nowhere near being able to visit them regularly...

To be honest, much like you two, vita-vita and Nancy Hernandez43, we aren't the type of family that constantly showers people with affection or constant physical displays... We love one another, certainly, but we don't verbalize it incessantly. I tend to assume other members simply understand the depth of it, though I occasionally wonder if they truly grasp the scale... Every family expresses affection in its own unique way. But right now, I feel a profound need to demonstrate this to my mother; I want her to feel that she is truly the queen on her throne, yet I fear making her think we are drifting apart... because that isn't an option right now, not while there are still battles left to win. If I were home right now, I would most likely just hold her tight and never let go... but I worry such intensity might overwhelm her. I have always struggled with expressing emotions directly; it is much easier for me to put things on paper, but even then, I fear a letter might come across as some sort of final farewell. My God, I have never been able to adequately articulate how much the soul can ache...

I suspect a letter might not be the ideal solution for letting your mother know she is loved or for showing her that you are standing by her side with strength. Perhaps the only real way is to look her in the eye and speak from the heart, even if you end up breaking down into tears... And you are likely right about the hugging; you wouldn't want to startle her with such sudden intensity.

If memory serves, you will be seeing her for Easter, so try to find the strength to approach her in a way that doesn't feel like a goodbye. Instead, aim for something casual, like "You know, I was thinking..." or perhaps with a smile, "Have I ever told you how much I truly value you?" You don't need many words; a single sentence can suffice to let her know you are with her in spirit and that you believe in her ability to pull through...

I once expressed my appreciation to my mother through writing, though in a rather indirect manner: I bought her a book filled with proverbs, wise tales, and advice for a healthier lifestyle (focusing mostly on positive thinking and general wellness), and at the very end, I inscribed a quote that reminded me of her. Without unnecessary fluff, I left her with a thought that essentially whispered, "don't give up."

I’ve been hit hard by this flu—or maybe just a really nasty cold—and today marks day three. 😢
Tomorrow I have to go in for blood work, and then on Monday, I’m scheduled for chemotherapy.
The big question is: will they even let me through the door?
I’m desperately hoping that by Monday my congestion and all these other symptoms clear up, but honestly, I have no idea what my blood counts are going to look like.
They told me my chemo isn't particularly aggressive; it's just one dose every five weeks, administered straight into the vein in a matter of minutes.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this?

Melissa Parker37 said:Yesterday, they started giving Dad morphine straight into his veins because he just couldn't take the pain anymore. His physical state is pretty rough since he hasn't really eaten anything for over a month, and for the last two weeks, it's been barely a few bites. Naturally, his blood work is terrible, and having Type 2 diabetes doesn't help—his liver and pancreas are basically a disaster zone. He was still lucid until the day before yesterday, but yesterday he slept almost the whole day because of the morphine. I asked the head doctor to explain what we should expect. He said things are only going to get worse and that morphine is our only option left. This morning, Mom begged me to ask the hospital if they could let him come home so she could look after him, but I don't think that's the smartest move. I don't want to crush her hopes, and he is my father too, so I’d give anything for him. They take good care of him at the hospital, and neither Mom nor I are equipped to handle this. I feel so lost. God, please help!

Melissa, I know exactly what you're going through right now.
We dealt with something similar three months ago. After fighting my dad's kidney cancer for a year and my mom's breast cancer, Dad held on until December, but then everything just spiraled downward, and there was nothing we could do to help... It's a horrific feeling, watching someone who was always your rock slowly fade away while the pain gets worse every single day. Every day feels like starting from zero. But we couldn't keep my dad at home; he was bleeding into his catheter, so he had to be in the hospital. And five days later, he was gone. Just like that. Now, I honestly don't know if we made the right call letting the doctors keep him. In my town, getting a home health nurse is a rare luxury. Even though he was entitled to one (but only starting in December!!!), we had to jump through endless hoops with social services and insurance approvals, and he simply didn't have the time. Mom, my sister, and I did everything we possibly could.
So, I don't know what you should do. I know how incredibly hard it was for us, practically living at the hospital, but on the other hand, there was no way he could stay home because we couldn't provide the level of care the hospital could. Although, I found out later that a lot of things we thought were standard hospital procedures were actually just signs that our local hospital is stuck in the middle ages.
It's impossible to be rational in a situation like this. Don't let this massive weight crush you. Neither you nor your family should have to carry all that guilt.

Nancy Hernandez43 and Balbo — thank you both for the kind words. It really does help ease the mind a little bit. I have a consultation with my doctor tomorrow, and if things don't start looking up... well, I might just pack up my Rib and head over to Mercury, hoping the care there is a bit more reliable.

Melissa Parker37 — so many people here have already shared such wonderful advice that I won't bore you by repeating it. All I can say is that it's my life, right? And honestly, I’d give anything to just be home.

mellowbison13 — I've never been one for those cheesy, sentimental clichés, and my family knows that all too well. They've shown their support in much better ways, without needing any big speeches—just the little things, like baking my favorite cookies or giving me a few extra hugs than usual.

Thanks for all the support, and seriously, thanks for the advice because I'm gonna need it, especially since most of you have already walked the path I'm just starting to stumble down... I ended up wandering through the hospital today, and now that things are finally starting to make some twisted kind of sense, I’m realizing how completely absurd this whole thing called cancer actually is. My dad isn't coming home yet because he threw up some blood earlier today, and the situation is pretty grim: his pancreas is basically shot (his blood sugar hit 15 and he won't touch food), his liver can't even process meds anymore and it's hurting him, and his kidneys are slowly giving out—all thanks to diabetes being the main culprit here. It didn't even spread everywhere, it just "only" decided to wreck his lungs.
Do I really have the right to keep the truth from my old man? I've been running through a million different versions of what to say, weighing every single option... and then today, he looks at me and says, "Kid, once I get my strength back, they'll start chemo and we can finally head home." Oh, wow. Just brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Melissa Parker37 said:I want to thank everyone for the kind words of support, particularly for the advice—which I will certainly need—given that so many of you have already endured what lies ahead for me. Today was quite a struggle; I actually tripped and fell while at the hospital. It is only now, as certain pieces of this grim puzzle begin to fall into place, that I truly grasp the sheer absurdity of a disease called cancer. My father cannot return home yet because he vomited blood earlier today, and his condition remains precarious: his pancreas has effectively ceased functioning, his blood sugar spiked to 15, and he has lost all appetite. His liver can no longer process medication and is causing him significant pain, while his kidneys are steadily failing—the inevitable consequence of his diabetes. It isn't even a matter of metastasis; rather, it has focused its destruction solely on his lungs.
Do I have the right to withhold the truth from my father? I have been weighing various versions of reality, considering every possible angle... and then today, my father tells me, "Kid, once I regain some strength, they’ll start the chemo and we can finally head home." Oh, my brilliant star. Truly, the brightest of them all...

In any case, you should speak with your mother. Personally, I wouldn't tell him the full truth, especially after hearing that specific comment he made. One must maintain a certain level of detachment regardless of everything... I can only imagine how difficult it is to face this situation, but please, continue to be brave; do not allow yourself to break, for unfortunately, this too is a part of life...

feralridge3 said:I've been caught in the grip of a flu or perhaps some particularly nasty cold, and today marks the third day... 😢
Tomorrow I am scheduled for blood work, followed by chemotherapy on Monday
and one wonders if they will even allow me to proceed...
I am holding out hope that this congestion and these various symptoms might subside by Monday, though my blood counts remain an unpredictable variable...
The doctors have assured me that my chemo isn't particularly aggressive; I receive a single dose every five weeks, administered intravenously in just a few minutes...
Has anyone else encountered a similar situation?...

All I can offer is a weary "damn it all."..

Ultimately, the blood work is what dictates everything, regardless of how much you're sniffling... Try to get plenty of vitamins from fruits and vegetables... and I shall be keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow's results are favorable...

My mother had her treatment postponed twice due to poor blood counts, but after delaying things by about a week, everything stabilized... so I find myself believing that even if you happen to miss this round, you will simply catch it during the next scheduled visit...

Nancy Hernandez43 said:The blood work is what actually matters, regardless of how much you're pushing yourself! You need plenty of vitamins from fruits and vegetables... and I’m just crossing my fingers that tomorrow’s results come back looking good!

My mother hasn't had her treatment postponed twice yet due to poor blood counts, but after waiting seven days, everything bounced back. So, I truly believe that even if you don't make it in for chemo this time, you'll get it during the next scheduled session.

Up until now, every single one of my levels has been within the normal range.
I am not particularly worried about having to push my chemo back by a week,
it is more about the logistics—having a confirmed date for being readmitted to the hospital. If they delay the chemo, then my blood work won't be ready in time for surgery either, because the doctor based the entire surgical plan on the timing of the last chemo session. 😢
There was just enough time for me to catch the flu, and of all times, I have to deal with this right now when I really can't afford it. 😠

Melissa Parker37 said:Thanks everyone for the support, and seriously, thanks for the advice—I'm gonna need it. It looks like most of you have already been through the absolute ringer that I'm just starting to face. I actually tripped and fell in the hospital today. Now that things are finally starting to make a sick kind of sense, I’m realizing how totally insane this whole thing called cancer is. My dad isn't coming home yet because he threw up some blood today, and his stats are just brutal: his pancreas is basically done for (his blood sugar hit 15, and he can't keep anything down), his liver can't even process meds anymore and it's killing him, and his kidneys are slowly giving out—which, big surprise, is all because of the diabetes. The cancer didn't even spread everywhere; it just slammed into his lungs.
Do I have any right to keep the truth from my dad? I've been running through every possible version of what to tell him, weighing every single option... and then today, my old man goes, "Listen, once I get my strength back, they'll start chemo and we can head home." Oh, sure. Brilliant move, Dad. Just brilliant.

Man, I am so sorry...😢

By the way, the kidney failure might be happening because the liver is failing too... That's exactly how it went with my old man...
He had HCC, a primary liver tumor that hadn't metastasized anywhere else. He started chemoembolization and things actually looked like they were heading south in a good way—like, the tumor was actually shrinking. But then, about two months after the diagnosis, it just exploded in size and his bilirubin levels spiked. It shot up to 680 (when normal is like 20), and that was the day the doctor sat us down and told us there was no hope and to prepare for the worst. Then she follows it up with, "Now go in there and act happy so he doesn't notice anything..." I mean, WTF?! Is she serious? He's a human being, not a brick wall without feelings. Honestly, that day leading up to losing him was the absolute worst day of my life. Then, the next day when we went to visit, she tells us everything is looking better! Says the bilirubin dropped to 580 and is still falling, implying maybe there's a chance... It was total whiplash. First, they shake you to your core saying there's no hope, then they give you this fake glimmer of light, and in the end, he passes away and that last bit of hope dies with him. Turns out, we were later told the kidneys failed because the liver gave out, which ultimately caused everything to crash. 😢

feralridge3 said:up until this point, every single metric has remained within the acceptable range.
my concern isn't necessarily about having to wait an extra week for chemo,
it is more about securing a confirmed date for my readmission; if they delay the chemo, then even my bloodwork for the surgery might be compromised, given that the doctor is basing everything on the timeline of the most recent session. 😢
there was quite enough downtime for me to catch the flu, yet naturally, I manage to fall ill at the absolute worst possible moment... 😠

You know what... I just hope the results come back clean! I truly mean that! Please let us know how it all goes!!!!

Nancy Hernandez43, you fighter, and Lajavica, thank you both for the advice. I've been feeling a bit "falling apart" lately, so please forgive my constant whining; I was just completely overwhelmed. But Mom is doing better, which makes me feel even better, and I've decided we're going to take things one day at a time to make the most of this good period. Whether a person is sick or healthy, you never truly know what tomorrow holds, so it's important to be grateful for every single new day and find joy in it.

Has anyone mentioned green honey for boosting immunity before? I picked some up at the pharmacy for my mom since they claim it helps during recovery from chemo, radiation, or surgery. Their website even says it’s certified by the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health. Since I know people sometimes warn against mixing medical treatments with natural supplements, I was wondering if anyone here has actually tried it? Does it work? I really don't want to cause any adverse reactions, so I'm second-guessing whether I should give it to her, even though she loves honey.

mellowbison13,
I used to drink Aloe Vera, though I made it myself rather than buying it from a store. Once I finished that, I switched over to Taheebo tea followed by some green honey. That was all about ten years ago, and honestly, I didn't notice any negative side effects at all.

mellowbison13 said:I can't recall if anyone brought up green honey for immune support earlier... I picked some up at the pharmacy for my mother, as it's supposedly beneficial following chemotherapy, radiation, or surgery, and their website claims it’s been certified by the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health. However, since there's always been talk about how certain natural supplements shouldn't be mixed with medical treatments, I'm wondering if anyone here has actually used it and seen any results? The last thing I want is for it to cause an adverse reaction, so now I'm second-guessing whether I should even give it to her, though she does have a real weakness for honey...

It's impossible for it to be anything but helpful, or at least not interfere negatively, given that it's entirely plant-based...

And besides... we're all just falling apart eventually; it's simply one of those realities where you can't always maintain a strong front...

Nancy Hernandez43, Melissa Parker37, mellowbison13, and all you lovely ladies😘

~~~~~~~~~~~~sending good vibes to everyone. how are you all holding up today?

so, we made it through the second round of chemo... Mom finally came home yesterday. For now, things are looking okay; she isn't experiencing any side effects yet, which is just like last time, but since the pain usually hits a few days later, I’m mentally bracing myself for tomorrow. Even though I'm really hoping she stays comfortable, I feel like I have to be prepared for the worst... Last time, we weren't sure if she was allowed to take any painkillers, but this time Mom actually asked her doctors, and they told her she could take some Voltaren if she needs it, so she can stay ahead of the discomfort rather than just suffering through it...

on a brighter note, I really think I should share some good news too—I don't want to spend the whole time just venting to you all😁—Mom had her follow-up exam, and the doctor mentioned that the lump in her neck has already visibly shrunk after just that first session, which he said he didn't even dare hope would happen so quickly. That news immediately lifted Mom's spirits and ours as well. I'm just praying she can absolutely crush this thing, quite literally...👍

Mom is resting today, though "resting" might be a stretch because she can never sit still. She’s constantly tidying things up around the house. She even caught herself doing some light dusting yesterday evening, but I truly think she needs a bit of downtime and space to just process everything... our little warrior😍 still hasn't lost all of her hair. There is still quite a lot left, though you can tell it's starting to thin out a bit. She always had such thick, healthy hair, so I suspect that might be why it's falling out at this particular pace...

The wig is all ready to go, and she's already picked out a few scarves, so we'll be heading out to pick those up soon.👍

I wish you all, my dear friends, a lovely evening and a wonderful weekend... make sure to get some rest so you're ready for your own upcoming victories.

kisses, my loves😍