Billy Crystal is back starting tonight!

First off, shoutout to ESPN for giving us a clean broadcast without those annoying, laggy commentators. Neomatan, I actually had a blast watching Billy Crystal—his jokes and quick wit were on point.

Can't recall everything, but here's what stuck:

BC says he'll either host the Oscar or run for Governor of California (RIP Arnie, damn)

During the preview for that new duo from Paramount Pictures and Sofia Coppola, some guy mentions they're a pair with a thirty-year age gap—but they aren't even walking together!

Gotta dig up a few more... just something to chew on.

🙄

As for Johnny Depp (can't quite remember if I'm quoting him verbatim here)... here's the deal, the gay community is gonna love this guy. He's "slightly gay"—which is just a jab at how much makeup he was rocking in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Thirteen years ago, I hosted the Oscars for the first time and man, everything felt so different back then—George W. Bush was in the White House, the war in Iraq had just wrapped up, and the economy was basically circling the drain...

...presenter J. Brody (the guy who went way too far with Halle Berry last year), announcing the Academy Award nominations for Best Actress—which, predictably, went to Charlize Theron):

--guy pulls out some breath spray right before reading (seriously, still worried about him getting too handsy)...... then boom, he goes in for a quick, shallow smooch on Charziza.

Kevin Wood22 said:Back when I hosted the Academy Awards for the first time 13 years ago, things felt totally different. George W. Bush was in the White House, the war in Iraq had just wrapped up, and the economy was basically circling the drain...

😂 😂 😂

kemik said:Thirteen years ago, I hosted the Academy Awards for the first time. Everything felt different back then. Bush was in the White House, the war in Iraq had just wrapped up, and the economy was basically circling the drain.

Yeah, exactly. 👍 It’s a whole different ballgame compared to when Crystal was just starting out thirteen years ago.

I felt a little bad for Whoopi, but I thought Billy was actually great! He hit the sweet spot, neither too much nor too little:

Here’s another funny one for you:

The producer of Return of the King mentioned once that he used to date Billy's cousin. Apparently, Billy had absolutely no clue, and when he found out, he just made these hilarious faces while asking if he was married to her now.🙂

Kevin Wood22 said:As for Johnny Depp (if I’m remembering his words correctly here)... basically, he's saying the gay community is going to love him because he's playing someone who's 'slightly gay'—which is a little nod to how heavily made-up Depp looked in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Actually, what he said was:

"Johnny Depp is playing Jack Valenti's biggest nightmare: a gay pirate."

Jack Valenti is the head of the Motion Picture Association, which deals with all those censorship hurdles (they especially get worked up about any depiction of homosexuality in movies) while also fighting against film piracy.

That teaser trailer where Billy pops up as a character in every single one of those nominated films is just absolutely brilliant, both from a technical standpoint and the way it's scripted—though I suppose if Michael Moore were involved, he’d probably be demanding an immediate ceasefire in the war over 😂
.
- Right after that legendary Academy Award win for Return of the King and all the typical celebratory speeches, Billy just looks out and declares: "As of this moment, everyone in New Zealand is officially welcome!" 😁

Billy Crystal after Return of the King swept the Academy Awards: there isn't anyone left in the US to thank.

A few more awards later: you realize people are actually moving to the US just to get a shout-out?.

Robert Cooper41 said:That teaser trailer where Billy pops up as a character in every single nominated movie was just brilliantly executed, both from a technical standpoint and the writing—it’s almost like Michael Moore is trying to call for a ceasefire in Lord of the Rings 😂.

Honestly, that's exactly why I've always been such a fan of Crystal—he just consistently delivers stuff like this.


"I haven't stepped foot in an awards show since the wicked wizards moved in!"
"Orcs?"
"No, Weinsteins."

😂 😂 😂

There were just way too many clever bits packed into such a short window, so it’s honestly pretty tough to catch everything on the first pass.

A San Francisco Wedding Cake? 😂 😂 😂

Richard Hernandez13 said:More like, he said:

"Johnny Depp is acting out Jack Valenti's biggest nightmare: a gay pirate."

Jack Valenti heads up the Motion Picture Association, which deals with censorship stuff (they especially freak out over homosexuality in movies) and fighting against movie piracy.

Točno, thanks!!! damn, should've had a drink and taken notes👍

storytelj said:A San Francisco Wedding Cake? 😂 😂 😂

So, did they hold hands or what???😁

Give me a break, because almost all of them were pretty great...👍 😂

What really trips me out is how much stuff Billy can actually get away with... I mean, the guy practically sat right in Clint Eastwood's 🙂 lap and just started singing... and this 🙂 guy just sat there laughing and laughing.

I bet if some other male host had tried that, he would have been 🙂 torn apart on the spot. 😁

Oh, yeah....that sketch with Robin Williams. 🙏

I can't recall right now, but did Robin ever host the Academy Award ceremony???

Anyway, people are always saying "Billy should host every single year." I don't know about that. I think it’s actually more special and sweet when it happens like this.

I finally caught what Crystal had to say right after Errol Morris gave his speech.

"I'm practically counting down the days until his tax audit."

😂

Kevin Wood22 said:Was that when they finally held hands???😁

Oh, absolutely... Robin & Billy 😂 are an absolute classic; those two just have this effortless chemistry together. 👍

Check them out:

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/virtual/oscar04-pressroom/3

I honestly find it pretty darkly hilarious when they sing that bit to Clint Eastwood: "...most men your age are dead or dying..."

THE ……HOST RETURNS

I’M CALLING THE SHOTS TONIGHT

THE OSCARS ARE BEING BROADCAST IN 56 LANGUAGES... JUST IN THE LOS ANGELES AREA

First time they're doing a simulcast in Aramaic. Crazy idea.

Standard procedure: tip your host.

Miss Theron, you practically scared the Jesus out of Mel Gibson in that flick of yours.

Back when I kicked off the Oscars 13 years ago, we had Bush in the White House, the economy was tanking, and we were just coming off the war in Iraq. Kinda heavy, right?

Johnny Depp—the sexiest man alive. (God, I can't believe I just said that).

Lord of the Rings: 11 nominations, one for every possible ending.

Lost in Translation: Governor Schwarzenegger’s favorite movie.

Sofia Coppola knocked out a movie in 27 days. Took Francis that long just to wake Brando up.

...or I'll find Seabiscuit's head under my pillow.

(Singing to a James Bond tune) Seabiscuit, he’s a horse, a horse that the Oscar might take, or he ends up as glue.

Good to be back after four years. The Academy's been cool about letting me drift in and out—kind of like the Texas National Guard.

Robin Williams—the reason there's a five-second broadcast delay (R.W. flashing his left "boob").

San Francisco wedding cake (R. Williams & B. Crystal holding hands)

Kill Bill—Hillary Clinton’s favorite movie.
21 Grams—Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown's favorite movie.
Confessions of a Dangerous Man—Donald Rumsfeld’s favorite movie.