Support for families dealing with cancer and other serious illnesses (Part II)

Gary Thomas13 said:Sadly, my dad lost his battle today. He didn't suffer, and he didn't die in pain... he just stopped breathing in five minutes flat...

Please accept my deepest condolences. I truly believe God showed him mercy during that struggle. Let him rest in peace; Dad is in a much better place than this one right now.

Gary Thomas13 said:Sadly, Dad lost his fight today... he didn't suffer, and he didn't die in pain. It was over in just five minutes... he just stopped breathing...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss...

My condolences to you both.😢

I find myself back here after a few years away, following my mother's passing from ovarian cancer.
This time, however, the situation involves my father-in-law and an early-stage esophageal carcinoma (squamous cell).
I’ve been digging through various prognoses, and frankly, they aren't particularly encouraging... He is scheduled for surgery on July 4th, and as of now, there hasn't been any mention of follow-up radiation or chemotherapy.
Does anyone have any personal experiences to share? Unfortunately, I lack both the bandwidth and the emotional energy to scroll through everything from the beginning.

Angela Wright, I see you're still active here; consider me officially rejoined to the fold.

It would be remarkably fair if some prominent female journalist with this diagnosis actually spoke up and said, "Look, I've been through these specific clinics, here’s what they charge, and here’s how they handle treatment." I haven't been able to find a single reliable source for that kind of data. But then again, since we're discussing medical care abroad, I suppose such practical details aren't meant for us mere mortals. Not everyone has access to high-profile connections like a celebrity surgeon in Los Angeles...

Zachary Howard2, I'm afraid I can't offer you any assistance there.

Hang in there!

Amanda Miller69 said:I’m back here after a few years following my mom's passing from ovarian cancer.
This time, it's my father-in-law dealing with esophageal cancer (squamous cell carcinoma), caught in its early stages.
Looking at the prognoses, nothing looks particularly great... he's scheduled for surgery on July 4th, and so far, there hasn't been any mention of radiation or chemo.
Anyone have experience with this? Honestly, I don't have the time or the mental energy to scroll through everything from the beginning.

Angela Wright, I see you're still active on here, so I figured I'd join the fray too.

Man, Zachary Howard2... 😢

It doesn't necessarily have to be a grim outlook; catching it in the early stages is a massive win. If the lymph nodes around the tumor come back clear, they might skip chemo entirely and just go with radiation. You know how the drill works these days—surgery first, then they wait for the pathology report to decide the next move.

I can't believe life is throwing this at your family again 🙄. Look, try to view it through the lens of your own experience: with everything you've navigated before, you're going to handle this current wave much more effectively than most people would. That's a significant advantage.

Rebecca Garcia35 said:It would be incredibly fair if some famous lady journalist with that diagnosis actually spoke up—you know, saying, "Look, I went here, it cost this much, and they performed these specific procedures." I haven't been able to find any actual data like that anywhere. Oh, wait, I forgot, this happened overseas, so I guess that kind of intel isn't meant for us mere mortals. Not everyone has connections like a high-profile celebrity in New York...

Zachary Howard2, sorry, I can't help you out there.

Hang in there!

Who knows what her exact diagnosis was? My gut feeling is that it wasn't even a malignant condition to begin with.

Hmm, I’m not so sure; I certainly walked away with a different impression. 🤷 Shouldn't our doctors be more than capable of handling such matters? Not that it really matters in this context, though.

Rebecca Garcia35 said:Hmm, I don't know, I got a completely different vibe from the whole situation. 🤷 Shouldn't our doctors be more than capable of handling stuff like that? Regardless, it’s beside the point here.

My take is that they were dealing with a tumor sitting in a really tricky spot, probably right up against the aorta, so they likely sent the patient to a major hospital like Mayo Clinic where they have the specialized gear to actually deal with it... at least, that's what I heard.

Angela Wright said:Oh, Zachary Howard2... 😢

It might not be such a grim prognosis, considering they caught it in the early stages. If the lymph nodes surrounding the tumor come back clear, chemo probably won't even be necessary—it’ll likely just be radiation. You know how the protocol works these days: surgery first, then we wait for the pathology report to decide the next move.

I honestly can't believe your family is being hit with this again 🙄. Look, try to view it through the lens of experience; with everything you've navigated before, you're going to handle these current hurdles much more efficiently than someone facing them for the first time. That's a significant advantage.

See? There's never a moment of peace. When I first found out, my immediate thought was whether I actually had the strength to go through this all over again, but once that initial shock wears off, that fighter in me starts to resurface.
Unfortunately, I have plenty of experience here, so at least this time I know exactly what we're up against, which makes the fight feel a bit more manageable.
My only real concerns right now are this agonizingly long wait for the surgery—nearly a month—and the fact that my father-in-law is struggling to keep anything down.
Let's just hope for the best....

Gary Thomas13 said:Sadly, Dad lost his battle today... he didn't suffer, though. He didn't die in pain... he just stopped breathing within five minutes...

Gary Thomas13, sincere condolences from me too—hang in there. It sounds cheesy, I know, but knowing he didn't suffer really does help...

My dad—his left side is completely paralyzed, and we're starting to deal with pressure sores. He’s like a demon, though; he somehow manages to use his right hand to toss aside every barrier we put up and roll onto that side 🙄 and that’s honestly one of our biggest struggles right now.
Then there's the swallowing issue. We aren't sure if it's a stroke affecting the center, so we'll have to see about the reflex. We're delaying the feeding tube as long as possible, since there are still times during the day when he can manage on his own. The real headache is the medication—we have to hit specific windows...
The worst part, I guess, is that he seems more conscious than before. That’s what kills me. And he barely speaks. He just nods when I ask him things, and he "says" nothing hurts, which is some small comfort. Like today, when I got home from work and gave him some soup, complaining about how hot it was and how much I didn't want to be there, he just reached out with that right hand, stroked my head, and went "ohhh"...🙂
It makes me think of those posts about Blasia and her mom. How it all felt toward the end. And man, I actually miss the days when he was "impossible"—when he’d be drinking through the apartment like a heat-seeking missile and doing stupid stuff (like saying "I need to brush my teeth," walking into the bathroom, grabbing the soap, and trying to eat it)...
Only thing is, Dad is still around 180 lbs. Which makes turning him or changing diapers a nightmare. We all have to jump in at once, because there is no way one person can handle it alone...

Anyway, just a little update on where things stand... (reminder—small cell lung cancer, with metastases in the adrenal glands & brain)

@brisklynx51/">@@brisklynx51
Look, just do yourself a favor and try to get your hands on a hydraulic hospital bed and an air-pressure anti-decubitus mattress with a compressor. You can rent them from private medical supply stores or local clinics for about $300-$133 a month, or you might even snag one for free through a local charity or a hospice support group if you sign enough paperwork. Trust me, you’ll be absolutely broken without this setup, and once those pressure sores start spreading and getting infected? It’s a total nightmare. Seriously, take my advice!

Angela Wright said:@brisklynx51/">@@brisklynx51
you should really try to get a hydraulic hospital bed and an air-pressure anti-decubitus cushion... you can rent them from local clinics—either private or public—for maybe $300--$133/month, or you might even snag one for free through a local charity or hospice support group. You’ll be broken without them, and once those pressure sores start spreading and getting infected, well, it's a nightmare. Just a suggestion.

Yeah, we picked up a hydraulic hospital bed and it makes things a bit easier, I guess.
We're looking into an air mattress now... but nothing about cushions. I had no idea you could even rent those—I figured they'd just tear and then you're stuck patching them up, plus cleaning them properly is its own whole ordeal. Anyway, we've been trying to corner our primary care doctor, but she went on maternity leave—didn't bother to tell us—and finding a replacement is basically impossible 🙄.
At least we got some diapers, adult briefs, and wipes from the main clinic. Of course, they won't tell us a single thing unless we practically beg for it.

brisklynx51 said:Yeah, we finally picked up a hospital bed with hydraulics, and honestly, my mom is doing much better for it.
Now we're looking into an anti-decubitus mattress too... though I haven't heard anything about renting pillows. I didn't even realize you could rent those; I figured they’d just get ripped or stained, and then you're stuck dealing with patches or trying to sanitize a mattress and pillow properly. It's a mess. Mostly, we've been playing tug-of-war with our primary care doctor, but she just went on maternity leave without giving us any heads-up, and getting a replacement is impossible right now 🙄.
At least we managed to snag some diapers, condoms, and various other supplies from the main clinic. Of course, they won't give you a single thing without us having to fight them and figure out exactly what we're entitled to first.

We rented everything directly from the local medical supply center without any issues, including the full bed setup. Honestly, if the hydraulics on a bed fail, that's a much bigger headache than a compressor acting up. Besides, once you're paying the rental fee, I don't really get the anxiety... This is what my mom's looked like:
I did a little digging online; you can find them on eBay or Craigslist used. The prices aren't actually that steep.

thanks for the tip 🙂
we checked Craigslist and everything, so we'll probably make a call on which way to go in the next few days—we'll figure it out. (we rented a bed without a mattress, since that wasn't an option. there was one house that had a mattress, but the springs were totally shot)

Here’s a little update. After everything, it still hits you—no matter how much you brace yourself, it still catches you off guard... I don't need advice or anything. I did everything for my dad—from making sure he had a hospital bed and a decent mattress and pillow, to managing those hundred IV bags the nurses brought in every single day... He could swallow and had all his reflexes intact right up until the day before he passed... Last Friday, I had to rush out to Chicago for an emergency, which wasn't too bad, but when I got back Sunday around 6 PM, my family told me he'd been struggling all day. His foot had turned dark, his extremities were cold... As soon as I walked in and he heard my voice, he started gasping for air and then just... stopped. Called 911 immediately, they were there within a minute, but there was nothing they could do... I'm convinced he was just waiting for me—I told him at 5 AM to hang on until I got back... and when I finally made it home Sunday, I just quietly whispered thanks to him for waiting... because I knew it was a matter of hours... It's been a brutal fight. I basically put my entire life on pause—I was by his side from the moment of diagnosis until the very end... 99% of the time, anyway... spent countless nights awake because he couldn't sleep either, so I just sat there stroking his hand and whispering nonsense, hoping he could still hear me... For the last two weeks, he was mostly gone—just a body lying there breathing and swallowing... It wasn't hard to stay, though. I know I did everything in my power... I pulled myself together and organized the funeral, and everything went with dignity... We'll always remember the crowd that showed up... He loved people and they loved him, and everyone came out to pay respects... I'll never forget my dad. I know even though he's gone, he's still here for me... always... I'm still a bit of a mess, honestly. Only now that it's over am I letting myself actually cry and grieve. I just wanted everything to be exactly how he would've wanted it, and the only way I could manage that was by staying composed... I'll check back in once I sort through his things—if anyone needs anything, let me know... I have plenty of diapers, unused IV kits, syringes, and stuff like that... I'll put a list together and reach out

Gary Thomas13, stop holding it back and just let the tears flow. There’s no shame in it, especially when you have someone truly worth mourning. It’s clear from what you've shared that you and your father had that deep, unbreakable bond. For me, I only started building that kind of connection with my mother right before she got sick. Losing her cost me so much, and honestly, the more time passes, the more I realize just how heavy and complicated that loss really is. But at the same time, I feel incredibly lucky for those final moments we managed to grab together and for the fact that everything ended on such peaceful terms.
Honor his memory by taking all those values he instilled in you and passing them down to your son. That’s how you carry someone forward. That’s what life is all about.

brisklynx51 said:Thanks for the tip, 🙂
but we've already scoured Craigslist and everywhere else. We’ll make a call on which way to go in the next few days. We'll figure it out. (We rented a bed without a mattress because it wasn't an option, and one house had a mattress but the springs were shot.)

Maybe check with a local charity or a hospice support group; they might have something in stock. Have you asked them yet?

Also, regarding that pressure sore, I believe you can get Granuflex patches with a prescription. In my opinion, that's the best move when paired with Zoloft ointment, since the silver ions in it are amazing for speeding up wound healing.

Angela Wright and Gary Thomas13
Please accept my deepest condolences.

Gary Thomas13, I see so much of myself in everything you write about your father and how things have unfolded these last few days. It was exactly the same with my dad.
Grief is heavy. Show up for it. Give yourself permission to grieve as much as you need, whenever you need it. Do whatever brings peace to your soul.
My dad passed away last November, yet even now, the sadness hits me out of nowhere. The emptiness, that tightness in my chest... it hasn't left. Even today, if I hear music on the radio while I'm driving, I immediately switch to a talk station just to drown it out.
You just learn—or try to learn, anyway—how to live with it. You owe it to yourself, to your family, and to your father.
My dad used to say all the time: "Don't make a mountain out of a molehill."

For those who feel the need to vent here, please visit the Psychiatrist section. There is a thread titled "How to live without a loved one" or something similar. It truly helps to share your thoughts and emotions with others walking the same path. We are here to support one another.

Sending my best to you both. Stay strong.

Amanda Miller69 said:See? There’s never any peace... when I first found out, I honestly wondered if I had the strength to go through this all over again. But once that initial shock wears off, that fighter in me starts kicking in.
Unfortunately, I have plenty of experience with this, so at least this time I know what we're up against, which makes it a little easier to brace myself.
My only real concern right now is the wait for the surgery (nearly a month) and the dietary restrictions my father-in-law has to follow.
Let's just hope for the best....

I've narrowed it down to two options: Dr. Janevski over at Jordan, or Dr. Suarez at Vineyard. Both are supposedly top-tier surgeons. Does anyone have any insight?
The biggest headache right now is dealing with my father-in-law and mother-in-law—they are incredibly stubborn. At Jordan, they might be able to operate as early as next week (the doctor mentioned this should have been handled urgently right after his endoscopy, but apparently the local hospital in Springfield is a complete joke when it comes to wait times). For Vineyard, I can only try to talk them into it.
I'm trying to explain to them that we need to go where the earliest appointment is, but they're digging their heels in about Vineyard because they think Jordan is just a pulmonary hospital... It's so frustrating when you're genuinely trying to help and you just keep hitting a brick wall.