Support for families dealing with cancer and other serious illnesses (Part II)

Amanda Anderson87 said:...my father was laid to rest yesterday....

Please accept my deepest condolences. He is finally free from his suffering and is in a much better place now.....

Carl Kern66 please accept my most sincere condolences... and just like Zachary Howard2, I truly believe there’s a more beautiful place waiting somewhere out there, and that one day, we'll all be together again..

Hey Carl Kern66, please accept my sincere condolences. I am totally with you because I've been through this exact same thing—you keep holding onto hope even when there’s absolutely none left, but how could you act any other way when it's our own flesh and blood?😢

Carl Kern66, please accept my sincerest condolences. You all did everything absolutely right, and you should hold your heads high. Knowing you gave him everything possible will be a massive source of comfort for you in the years to come—it stays with you for life. Now, let him rest in peace and make sure you take some time to look after yourselves; you’ve all earned it. 🙂

neonmoose3 said:I need some perspective here.

My grandfather is battling urinary tract cancer. Between his advanced age (87 years old) and his declining health, he’s reaching the end of the road. He’s partially lucid, understands what’s happening, feels that the end is near, and has expressed that he wants to go home to pass away.

At home, he would be cared for by his immediate family and a nurse with palliative care experience. The family feels that being at home surrounded by loved ones is a much more humane way to go than dying in a hospital setting.

The doctor isn't keen on letting him leave because he currently has a fever and is in very poor condition. The nurse who would be caring for him says we should listen to the doctor.

My question is: can the family take responsibility and take him home even if it goes against the ward doctor's opinion? What are our options regarding this?

In a way, this feels like the exact opposite of the usual scenario where a hospital discharges a patient because "there's nothing left to do," while the family fights to keep them in the hospital for treatment until the end.

Thanks.

If your grandfather is legally competent to make his own decisions, he can sign himself out against medical advice. You can certainly ask the doctor, but as far as I know, you can't sign for him unless you have specific legal status—like a power of attorney or guardianship if he isn't capable of making independent decisions anymore.
My advice? Listen to the doctor and get that infection under control first. You absolutely cannot manage that kind of thing at home. It’s all about quality of life, and you can't provide quality care for an infection like that in a living room. Follow the nurse's lead and stick with the doctor's plan. Trust me, they won't keep him a single day longer than necessary because hospital beds are always in short supply. Maybe when you next speak with the doctor, bring the nurse along too, so they can both assess the situation and you can reach the best decision for him.

@Fiz
Anything with a yogurt-like emulsion consistency could work for administering propolis. You can even find kid-friendly propolis powder so you don't have to mess with opening capsules; it might be cheaper, too. Mixing it into fruit yogurt or an AB culture might make the taste easier for him to handle, though I'm not sure what specifically is bothering him—it's similar to honey. 🤷 Grab some Beta Glucan as well; that will perk him up, just like multivitamins supposedly perk up the dead. I've had really good results with that when dealing with elderly people. Hang in there and don't let it get to you. You're working harder than you should have to, acting like a devoted daughter-in-law, while he has a son and daughter who can handle the arguing with him. Just offer it to him, and let him decide. Your conscience is clear, dear, so don't beat yourself up over it.

Carl Kern66, I am so incredibly sorry. 😢

I posted a few months back about my dad—his stomach cancer diagnosis, the surgery in February where they had to remove his entire stomach, and the biopsy results confirming metastases in his liver. After a couple of months, he went through one round of chemo. Up until then, he was actually doing okay; he could even walk around the hospital building with Mom. But that chemo just completely wiped him out—knocked him straight to bed. Since then, he hasn't been strong enough to handle any more treatment. We’ve taken him to see the oncologist a few times, but he just isn't fit enough for another round.

Everything has just spiraled downhill since then. He’s basically bedridden now; he doesn't have the strength for anything. He can't even lift a glass to take a sip of water. 😢 The pain isn't too bad, aside from some backaches from lying down so much. There aren't any skin issues on his back yet either, so we massage him and try to turn him whenever he can tolerate it, just to make sure he doesn't develop any sores. 😢 For the last two weeks, he’s lived on soups—we blend in whatever we can get away with, though everything makes him feel nauseous. He manages a bit of fruit during the day and maybe a little milk. At night, he’s wide awake, eyes open, while during the day he mostly sleeps because he's just exhausted from the sleepless nights. For a while, following his primary doctor's advice, he was taking 3mg of Lexapro and 5mg of Ativan, but it just seemed to sedate him without actually helping him sleep, so now he refuses to take them. He is fully aware of everything—of his condition and what's happening around him—but he's just lost all will. Even though we are almost always there with him—Mom, my aunt who lives with my parents, myself, my husband, the kids... he’s 78 years old and was so full of optimism when he started treatment last winter, but now... 😢

We had his blood work done last week, and it looks pretty bad; his tumor markers are nearly at 7000.

In the middle of these two months of fighting this cancer—which, because of the widespread metastases, we couldn't even pinpoint where it started—I lost my uncle. And he was the one who was crying for my father last winter, promising he would help us however he could. Then, only 58 days after the diagnosis, he was gone. He didn't have any children of his own; he was like a second father to me. 😢

These are such heavy days... 😢 😢 😢

@Carl Kern66 my heart goes out to you... My dad passed away—it’s been exactly two months today, but honestly feels like it was just yesterday... We insisted on home care... He wasn't really with us much these last few weeks, but he had everything he needed and didn't miss a single thing... Most importantly, he was surrounded 24/7 by the people he loved most. And what you said... I felt the exact same way... we were trying to save him at the end in every way possible, and it probably gave him a few extra days—I know those extra days were hard on his body, but I'm certain he was happy to spend them with us... Even if he wasn't fully aware, I truly believe deep down he knew what was happening... A couple days before he died, I had to head out on a trip and I whispered to him to wait for me, told him not to leave until I got back. As soon as I returned and he realized I was there, he passed within five minutes... with tears in my eyes... a man who isn't conscious doesn't cry... I'm sure he was right there with us the whole time, even when he couldn't control his movements or speech... I still check this thread every day and read everyone else's posts because I totally get what everyone going through this is feeling... You guys are the bravest people I know... unfortunately not by choice... but you're incredibly brave and I respect every one of you... especially Angela Wright and a few others... be patient with everyone, explain things as best you can, and keep sharing all that good advice...

The metastases have spread to my back, lungs, kidney, and liver. I’ve agreed to radiation for my back, but I'm just flat-out refusing chemo. Is there any other way to handle this?
Thanks in advance to everyone for the replies

Every cancer has its own standard treatment plan based on how far it's spread clinically and pathologically, so in your case, chemo is clearly the call.
Since you didn't mention what specific type you're dealing with, I can't say if there are other paths... you'd need to talk to a specialist for that. But given how much it's spread, the options are pretty limited, and I'm afraid chemo is probably unavoidable.

If you're just worried about the chemo itself and those nasty side effects, rest assured your doctor will do everything possible to manage or block them.

Just a reminder, you always have the right to get a second opinion from someone else.

@ironranger3/">@@ironranger3 Thanks for getting back to me, but let me just lay it all out for you so you get the full picture. About six years ago, I went through surgery for malignant breast cancer—chemo, radiation, the whole nine yards—and now I’m still on those Lupron injections every three months. Honestly? I’m terrified of chemo. I had my treatment at a hospital in Miami, and man, nobody even offered me a glass of water, let alone anything to help manage the pain. It was just cold. That’s why I’m asking if there’s absolutely anything else out there—doesn't matter if it's expensive or not—besides chemo, because I just don't have the strength left to go through that again. Thanks in advance

I only joined this forum because my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer—he's got a 9x7cm tumor located in his right lung. Surgery wasn't an option, so they suggested chemotherapy instead.
Unfortunately, my dad is refusing any actual medical help or formal treatment. Right now, he’s just using some ointment and some cannabis oil we barely managed to track down. I can't say for sure if he's doing better than when he was at the hospital, but honestly, I have no idea.
What kind of experiences have you all had with this sort of thing?

Elizabeth Watson28 said:@ironranger3/">@@ironranger3 Thanks for getting back to me, but I think I'll lay everything out clearly now. About six years ago, I went through surgery for malignant breast cancer, followed by chemo and radiation. Now, I’m on Lupron injections every three months. To be honest, I’m dreading chemotherapy because of the experience I had at the hospital in Miami—nobody there would even offer me a glass of water, let alone help manage my pain. That’s why I was asking if there are any other options available (regardless of cost) besides chemo, because I just don't have the strength left to go through that again. Thanks in advance.

Have you looked into participating in a clinical trial? Right here you can find a list of trials for metastatic breast cancer organized by country; it might be worth a look.

Dennis Carter2 said:I just joined this forum because my father fell ill with lung cancer. The tumor is located in his right lung and measures about 9x7cm. Surgery wasn't an option, so they suggested chemotherapy instead.
Unfortunately, my father is refusing medical help and has turned down treatment. Right now, he's just using some topical ointment and some cannabis oil we managed to track down. I can't say for sure if he's doing better than when he was in the hospital, but I really don't know.
What kind of experiences have you all had with this?

It’s going to be pretty tough to find anyone who has tried what your father is doing right now and actually seen success. Do you know specifically what type of tumor it is?

Fiz, I don't have any genius advice here, but I know a friend's mother-in-law had stomach cancer and towards the end, she was vomiting black. People also told me that a fever can be caused by the disease itself (metastases, cancer). Honestly, I hope things turn out okay, but they really should probably get a second opinion.

Carl Kern66, I'm so sorry.

My dad passed away today. He's home now—peaceful, just like he wanted...

brisklynx51 🙂 I am so sorry to hear that.

brisklynx51, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss 😢

brisklynx51 please accept my sincere condolences..

Dennis Carter2 I’m not sure how much that oil actually heals anything, but it certainly isn't a cure.. you should pick up some Beta Glucan and some Native propolis for him too. Beta Glucan is a powerful immunostimulant that prevents cancer cells from surviving in the bloodstream and latching onto other parts of the body, and Native propolis is great for fighting off infections..

My dad uses the oil as well, but he decided to go through with chemo. He always maintained that the oil works better when you aren't doing chemo, but now.....

brisklynx51, man, I am so sorry for your loss.

brisklynx51, please accept my sincerest condolences... I'm wishing you and your family peace of heart, and may you find comfort in one another during this time. May your father rest in peace.

Zachary Howard2 said:I managed to get him the syrup—it’s called Sanostol now—but he refuses to take it. He won't touch anything unless a doctor explicitly orders it or if it's "hospital food." He's just incredibly stubborn; you can't get through to him... 🙂
Yesterday they brought him spaghetti bolognese for dinner again. Hellooo? It was spiced so heavily it actually hurt. He didn't eat a bite, so we ended up giving the nurses and the doctor a piece of our minds yesterday. The doctor promised he’d bring someone by today to sit down and talk me through everything.
Today is the same old story: fever and vomiting, and some dark material in the vomit. My sister-in-law panicked and rushed upstairs, though it wasn't quite what she feared. She finally pressured a doctor into ordering a chest X-ray because she’s convinced there's pneumonia being covered up because they messed things up.
That vomiting and the fever could be related to all this, and honestly, the vomiting could also be a reaction to the antibiotics. They've been pumping him full of two different kinds for a month and a half now, and it feels like they're just poisoning him.
On Monday, his primary doctor is finally coming in with a specialist, so we're praying for some actual progress. This whole situation is driving us absolutely insane.
If there's any doctor following this thread, could you please explain what is actually going on here?

Yeah, I figured she thought he was one of those types who treats a doctor like a priest and takes everything they say as Holy Scripture...🙄
Look, that black stuff in the vomit really doesn't sit right with me. 😢
Hang in there until Monday. Just try to power through together until the doctor gets back from vacation... man, what a nightmare to need hospital care right in the middle of the holidays. 🙂