Eating Disorder Support & Recovery

Anthony Wood54 said:I'm still stuck on just tomato soup, some juice, and the occasional yogurt
nothing else seems to stick...

You’re definitely making progress! 😉 Next week—let's try adding just a tiny bit of vegetables into that soup—nothing crazy, just enough so you actually have something to chew on. 😘

I started on the carrots...
and some cereal with just a splash of milk...
taking it slow...
So, yesterday???
It was my mother-in-law's birthday...
I got dressed up and showed up...
And then she drops this line on me: "I really hope you didn't walk out of the house with a low neckline, because people would have lost their minds seeing you like that."
I just stared at her, totally speechless...
What is her problem???
Like, does she seriously think having a decent figure creates an inferiority complex for everyone else?
Not gonna happen!!!
I told her straight to her face that I actually have something to show off, and I'm proud of it—plus, I certainly wouldn't want to be flat-chested like some people (yeah, I was talking about her, since she's got nothing going on, and even my modest size feels like too much for her)...
Total disaster...
She’s just sitting there looking for any way to take a dig at me...
Oh, and get this—her gift to me was a box of chocolates (...clearly just trying to make me gain weight)...
😠
👋
Watch your backs!!!

Anthony Wood54 said:and her comment... honestly, I really hope you didn't head out in public wearing something too low-cut—because if you did, people might just lose their minds seeing you walk down the street!

Personally? I’d take that as a total compliment. 🙂

nimbledriver81 said:If I were her, I’d honestly take that as a compliment. 🙂

Look, don't go treating everything like some personal tragedy or a targeted attack; not everyone is out to get you.
And yet, the comment is just sharp enough to sting—but hey, that's her issue. What are you supposed to do with your own 🙂
?

Her comments are always totally off base... NEVER!!!
She’s just jealous of me and my other daughter-in-law, plain and simple....
She was actually the one who triggered my bulimia...
I just wanted to prove to her and my boyfriend that I could be thin... and that's why I ended up doing what I did...
Today she commented on my weight loss, yesterday my sister-in-law said the same thing, and today a friend... they were all grossed out because I don't have any curves anymore..
And honestly, it still isn't enough for me...
I feel like I can go even further....
And I hate myself for it....
I just can't stop...
I haven't purged in days... but I'm barely eating anything besides some soup and a few grains....
Man, you guys... this is such total sh*t...
Kisses to everyone, love you all...
THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT...👋

Anthony Wood54 said:Her comments are never on point... NEVER!!!
She's just jealous of me and her other daughter-in-law, that's all....
She was the catalyst for my bulimia...
I wanted to prove to her and her boyfriend that I could be thin... and that's why I did what I did...
Today she commented on how much weight I've lost; yesterday it was my sister-in-law, today it's a friend... they were horrified by how little curves I have..
And yet, it's still not enough for me...
I can go even further....
and I hate myself because of it....
I can't stop...
I haven't vomited in days... but then again, I barely eat anything besides soup and a few grains....
Oh, goodness, people... this is such a mess...
kisses to everyone, love you all...
THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT...👋

Anthony Wood54, sometimes the people in our inner circle simply aren't capable of living up to the image we hold of them in our heads. To children, parents are everything; kids need to perceive adults as more competent, smarter, and more balanced... purely for that sense of childhood security. Unfortunately, reality doesn't always work that way. Sometimes, someone close to you—someone who should be your rock and role model—just talks nonsense and acts completely unreliable, leaving you feeling like you've had to "carry" them since you were little. Occasionally, your family or those closest to you just aren't people whose opinions you can actually trust. It isn't your fault that they are this way. I know it's exhausting, but please, stop relying on the perspective of someone who isn't even capable of forming a healthy opinion.

Anthony Harris14, I think everything just clicked for me. It’s all crystal clear now.
Six years later and you can't even chew anymore. It’s just like that.
Honestly, I just have to focus on keeping my mouth shut when someone starts talking trash to me.
I really don't want to get into a fight with my boyfriend because of her, but man, she just won't let it go. She's being incredibly stubborn about it.
I’m just sitting here waiting for the next thing to go sideways so she can start giving me hell. If my boyfriend and I aren't picking a fight, she’ll just cook something up out of thin air to get a reaction.
And that's just how it goes.
She was only 16 when she had him, and he was already 18. She was basically just a kid herself.
I’ve walked away from my boyfriend a thousand times because of her. Every single time she messed something up, I was done. My parents used to tell me I was making a huge mistake, though. They kept insisting that I wouldn't be able to actually build a life with her.
Look, I get it, but... she’s always going to be a part of my life.
😠
It was always the same old story. "Lose some weight," "Look at yourself," "Did you gain weight?" or "Have you lost weight?" Just constant commentary.
Man, people... there's always someone with something to say.
I just want to figure out how to stop caring. I need to learn how to stay quiet when she starts up, just let things slide without letting it get under my skin. I really want to find a way to not let it rattle me.
Kisses to everyone!

Anthony Wood54 said:It was always the same thing... "Lose weight," "Look at yourself," "Did you gain weight?" or "Have you lost weight yet?"

It’s easy to say just ignore it... but if my mom talked to me like that, I’d pack my bags and head for Mars right this second.
if I actually could.
so I totally get where you're coming from...

And let's say she found out you ruined your health because of her comments. Do you really think she'd feel bad? Think she'd say, "I went too far, I was wrong, I messed up, I'm sorry"? Not a chance.
She'd probably just find even more reasons to yell at you...

So true... When I told my boyfriend that his mom was basically the driving force behind everything—believe me, I didn't care about any of this back when I was heavier, not until we had that massive blowout—he just looked at me and said she never actually said that, or maybe she did but she didn't mean it like that...
Yeah, right... as if...
Honestly, who gives a damn about her?
She needs a serious reality check so she'll just leave us alone for once...
No, seriously, mothers-in-law like that are just fundamentally broken...
One hundred percent.
They can all just go be normal somewhere else...
Love ya...
😉
*paws* 👋

Anthony Wood54 said:That’s the truth... when I pointed out to my boyfriend that his mother was basically the architect behind all of this—believe me, it didn't bother me nearly as much back when I was just a heavy kid and we weren't constantly at each other's throats—he just insisted she never said it, or maybe she did, but she didn't actually mean it like that...
Aha... sure you do...
Honestly, who gives a damn about her
She needs a massive reality check so she'll just shut up and leave us alone...
No, seriously, these mothers-in-law are definitely not playing by the same rules as the rest of us...
100%
They're all part of some weird, non-normal club...
Cheers...
😉
*waves goodbye* 👋

You mentioned somewhere that you tend to take the dominant role in your relationships—well, maybe give that a second thought. Do you really need that specific kind of dominance? Do you really want to spend your entire life dealing with someone who just ignores every single issue, leaving you to struggle through them all by yourself? Regardless of how much it drains you physically, mentally, or financially...

We’ve been over this a thousand times already. Stop recycling the same old drama and spinning in circles. Just move forward for once instead of constantly looking back—cut the dead weight. These idiots will drive you straight to an early grave if you let them, so ask yourself if it’s actually worth it. You get one shot at life, and there are plenty of guys out there; we’re talking 8 billion people on this planet. I can’t wrap my head around why it feels like it’s just him and that disgusting old hag. As for her, I’ve already said my piece about her, and I’m not repeating myself. 🙂

Whoever screws him up 🙂
but I still love him 🙂
even if 😵
if we actually started looking for someone else for me...
then maybe someone would finally PROVE there are better guys out there than him 🙂
just to show off to everyone👋

A question for Anthony Wood54 and anyone else dealing with similar struggles:

I was wondering how you all manage to force yourselves to purge, and just how much physical effort does it actually take? I'm curious about what goes through your head during those moments, and if you happen to use any kind of aids, like laxatives, to help the process along.

Thanks for any help you can give!!!

So you’re actually coming here looking for tips on how to make being a bulimic easier? 😕 🙄

At first, everything was just so much harder because I hadn't figured out the technique yet—you know, how you have to force your finger down your throat until the nausea kicks in.. and man, I used to strain so hard... I thought my eyes were actually going to pop out of my head..
By the second day, I realized I needed to stay hydrated to make the vomiting easier, and chewing my food thoroughly helped since there wouldn't be huge chunks left.. The physical strain felt about half as intense as the day before..
Fast forward a year and a half... now I know exactly which foods work best and exactly how much water to drink with them to get it done..
And honestly, I don't even need to use my fingers anymore... I just lean over the sink....
I've used laxatives exactly one time in my life and NEVER AGAIN....
So, what’s your take on all this??
Believe me, nothing....
Just absolutely nothing...
The worst part is that walk to the bathroom after a meal, when that thought hits me... thinking it's all starting all over again...
But once I'm in the bathroom, it all happens (and yeah, I make sure to run the water so nobody hears)....
And you want to know the absolute worst part??
It isn't even feeling ashamed about $33 the food you just ate before you go to purge...
You don't buy a gift card for your phone or anything else... you just buy exactly what you're planning to throw up...
And then you feel great...
🙂
Love to everyone...
And please, let it NEVER even cross your mind to start vomiting. I always thought I could just stop whenever I wanted... maybe I could if I wasn't the kind of person who ended up with bulimia...
Now, bulimia is the one running my life. It does the thinking, not me...
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

If I end up feeling okay after everything, then I suppose I'll just go ahead and do it, because honestly, nothing is worse than having that food sitting heavy in my stomach for days on end...
that sensation where it feels like my eyes might actually pop out of my head, I've definitely experienced that before
and the dark circles under my eyes are probably the worst part, since they seem to linger all day long afterward...
I hadn't really considered the whole forced hydration thing; I actually thought taking a laxative might help (I think I read somewhere in a newspaper or something), and I guess there is some logic to it, so I'll probably wait until I'm home alone and then give it a try.

thanks, Anthony Wood54 (and please don't go thinking you've ruined another life, because this is entirely my own choice)

Knock knock???!!!
Is anyone there???
Don't do it... please, just don't!!!!
Right now you're one person... but once you get sick, you aren't you anymore...
You won't even be a shadow of who you used to be (and I don't mean physically)...
I told my brother yesterday that I was feeling sick after he asked me what was wrong because he barely recognized me...
I went from being such a bright, happy person to... this...
Just don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are much smarter, healthier ways to handle things...
If someone had just been honest with me and shown me what I was headed toward, I never would have started...
I'll send you a private message.

Me, back then...
It didn't bother me at all when I weighed 175 lbs. I didn't care if people made comments about how much weight I'd put on. None of it got to me...
I was happy. I was taking exams, smiling, content, and totally free of insecurities...
I loved going to Target, wearing bikinis at the beach, putting on tight t-shirts. I loved being out in public, hosting friends, visiting people... and most importantly, I was just happy with who I was...
But now...
I hate it when someone looks at me. Usually, my first thought is that they're judging my weight...
I find myself avoiding eye contact because I don't want them looking at me...
When I walk down the street, I just stare at the ground.
I rarely smile anymore. I hate it when people come over to visit (like yesterday... some aunts showed up after not seeing me for a year, and the second they saw me, it was "Oh, you look great! Let's see that belly!") and I absolutely loathe those comments. I don't want to hear them. I hate going to people's houses because it's always the same thing. I hate going to the grocery store because there's too much food everywhere and I have to constantly control myself so I don't buy anything. I hate going downstairs because I try to avoid the kitchen and the dining room as much as possible. I hate going to campus because there are people everywhere staring. I hate the damn cafeteria because the smells coming from it are constant temptations. I don't even like skinny people because it feels like they can just eat whatever they want without gaining weight. I don't go out because I don't want to run into anyone. I shut myself away. I can't study, I can't think, and I can't enjoy the little things that used to make me incredibly happy. I can't even enjoy a beautiful day because I want to be outside, but I'm terrified of the stares... and the words...
So, that’s my life in a nutshell.
I go to college because I have to. I head into town because I don't want to face anyone. I don't leave my room because I don't want to be near food. Eventually, it all just boils down to four walls and total loneliness, because how can you explain this to someone who hasn't lived through it? They won't get it...
I'm a slave to my own stupidity, to my own thoughts...
And the worst part is knowing you're wrong... and feeling powerless to stop it...
And I HATE it when someone tells me, "YOU NEVER LOOKED AS PERFECT AS YOU DO NOW!!!"
Since when is looking perfect a requirement???
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SICKER THAN I AM RIGHT NOW. I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE MISERABLE OR LONELIER THAN I DO NOW, AND MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN THIS TERRIBLE!!!!

Anthony Wood54 said:I HATE it when people tell me, "You've never looked better than you do right now!!!"
Does looking perfect really matter?
I'VE NEVER BEEN SICKER THAN I AM NOW, I'VE NEVER FELT MORE MISERABLE OR ALONE, AND MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN THIS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE!!!!

Man, I get it... you have no idea how much I get it. Words don't even cover how much I feel you right now...

I haven't read this entire thread yet, but I have a question for those living with an eating disorder. A close friend of mine struggles with anorexia, which actually inspired me to choose eating disorders as the subject for my senior thesis. I’ve done a lot of reading, and observing her—someone I've known practically my whole life—makes it impossible for me to accept the theory that people with anorexia or bulimia are just narcissists, egocentrics, or obsessed with their looks. I only know one person dealing with this, and she is anything but that. Honestly, I've spent countless hours frustrated with her because she can't say "no" to anyone, always puts herself last, and deals with such low self-esteem. It isn't about thinking she's better than everyone else and chasing some "perfect" body; that theory just doesn't fit her at all. I was reading Peggy Claude - Pierre's *secret language eating disorder*, and I find myself agreeing with her approach (and I can certainly "see" my friend in it). She introduces this concept of the "negative mind." These individuals don't abstain from food—or they purge—because they feel unworthy or undeserving of nourishment. There was even a story about an anorexic girl caught by her mother eating dog food...

If possible, could you all try to look objectively at your own experiences and see if they compare? I don't quite have the strength to talk to her openly about this yet. I'm waiting until I finish this project, hoping to understand as much as I can before I attempt to take action. I just don't know 😢