Eating Disorder Support & Recovery

At my height, which is about 5'9", I’ve fluctuated anywhere from 175 to 255 pounds. Right now, I'm sitting at 227.

Honestly, I love myself regardless of what the scale says. I’ve never skipped a night out, a date, or a trip just because of my weight. If someone can't handle me because of my size, then I don't respect them either—it's a mutual thing.

...I'm always open to professional advice! Over the last 14 years, I've seen countless psychiatristsdealing with anxiety. Someone mentioned how some doctors just try to "medicate" you away... I've definitely had those experiences too, which is why I eventually settled on my current psychiatrist. She's the one I trust most.

I don't mind being vulnerable and talking through my issues with people, but lately, I've realized how much it helps to have a psychiatrist who stays strictly professional. I need someone who doesn't get emotionally entangled in my problems so they can stay objective. It's different from talking to my husband or parents; when I'm struggling, they tend to get caught up in the emotion with me, but in those moments, I really just need someone who is calm and steady.

Little Red Riding Hood said:I brought her home... she showed me some pages from unknown... gave her those Polupane pots to read through... kisses to everyone... [/B]

It seems you are familiar with unknown, and that you hold it—and the Polupane pots—in high regard. I assume you even saw that dedication in the book, where unknown thanks the women at unknown. Yet, you haven't mentioned whether you actually reached out to them, and frankly, I cannot fathom why you wouldn't. Please, reach out to them; I am asking you, please. I shall be keeping my fingers crossed that you succeed in all your endeavors.

I’ve realized that having a psychiatrist who acts strictly as a clinical professional—someone who doesn't inject their own emotions into my issues—actually helps quite a bit. It allows for an objective perspective. It's a far cry from my husband or my parents, who tend to get caught up in the drama whenever I'm struggling... and in those moments, what I really need is someone perfectly calm and steady.

Spot on comment.

My experience wasn't quite bulimia, though I definitely fall under the eating disorder umbrella. For me, it was a genuine phobia of food—I was terrified that if I actually swallowed something, it would kill me.
Beyond that, one thing led to another and the symptoms just kept piling up. I started fearing scents or perfumes, washing my hands and dishes way more than necessary, couldn't even go for a swim in the ocean, and lived with constant anxiety... It sounds like you might be going through something similar, Little Red Riding Hood.
Just wanted to share that psychotherapy and group sessions really turned things around for me; now, I can eat anything. Having trouble with food doesn't mean you need a specialist specifically for bulimia; any skilled, compassionate therapist can help. I managed to get through everything without medication because I simply decided I had to get better. I couldn't live like that anymore.

There are plenty of great professionals in Washington, D.C., and there are lots of people here on this forum willing to help by recommending solid therapists, though I'm not from the D.C. area myself.

Stay brave. Wishing you the best of luck.

👍

Just a quick thought for everyone posting here.

Back when I was struggling heavily with anxiety, I used to read these threads all the time. Honestly, nothing got under my skin faster than people trying to turn everything into a scientific debate about what’s happening to someone with a specific disorder, blah blah blah... I didn't care about any of that. It just made me feel like some specimen in a lab being dissected, like my own pain wasn't even being acknowledged.

The girl just needs support and empathy, not a lecture on who's right or wrong.😠

I doubt anyone is actually reading you guys besides yourselves—you can be pretty exhausting!

I'm heading to Washington, D.C. this Thursday to see a specialist... then I have my regular doctor on Friday...
I'll tell her...
In my relationship, I'm definitely the one in charge...
I'm dominant in everything I do—college, work, home... it's just how I am...
I'm always there, I always have something to say, people naturally gravitate toward me, they come to me for answers... and it's the exact same way with my partner...
Things usually go my way because I make sure they do...
The other night, I told him that I, Terry, practically died from bulimia. He actually looked at me and asked what that even was. I started explaining it’s an eating disorder, how someone vomits everything they eat because they're terrified, and how they live in constant fear of gaining weight. I paused for just a second to catch my breath, and he used that tiny gap to ask, "Do you think this hangnail on my finger is going to fall off by itself?"
I completely froze...
Screw your hangnail...
Screw him...
Last night I was over at his place, just lying there watching TV. My head was absolutely pounding because I hadn't eaten a single thing all day—I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Then he comes in, hugs me, and suggests we go grab dinner. I told him no, and he goes, "I bet you haven't eaten all day." I admitted I hadn't, and once he realized, he basically forced me to go. I sat down at the table, the tears just started flowing, and I told him to stop pushing me because I couldn't do it, and I didn't want to get fat. His response? He said one sandwich wasn't going to make me gain weight...
Yeah, right... dream on...
One night we were out and he saw some overweight guy and made a comment about how huge he was. I told him it doesn't matter, being heavy doesn't mean someone isn't a good person. He insisted it was terrible to look at, so I asked him how he could have loved me back when I was heavier. He just looked at me and said, "Where would I get the idea that I love you?"
I told him... "Well, you must have imagined it"...
He was just joking...
Because he loves me endlessly... or maybe he's just so used to me he can't move on...
I don't know....
Anyway...
I'll check back in on Thursday and Friday...
With updates from the doctors...
Kisses to everyone....THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT!!!!

Look, just kick that idiot in the ass and send him flying away from you, along with his clueless, overbearing mother! Can you actually picture spending your entire life with a guy who doesn't even care about you? Trust me, at your age, that feels like an eternity. And his precious mom? She’ll hate your guts because you're the main rival for her little boy's affection. Believe me, if I were in your shoes, I'd 🙂 non-stop. So, just shake him off. Then go wear that mini skirt if you want—go out, live your life, find some actual joy, and just be free! You'll have plenty of time later to focus on yourself and what you actually want. The fact that you haven't even told him about the problem says everything—your gut knows what you're trying to deny: he's not the one. Don't bother explaining anything, just ghost him. 😁
You're miserable with college too, but that's not an impossible fix. A friend of mine lied to her parents about being a senior when she was actually a freshman at a different school. She didn't have the nerve to tell them the truth, but at least she was honest with herself. And guess what? Nothing happened. Her parents yelled for a bit once they found out, but now she's doing what she loves, so that little drama was worth it, right?
I hit that same wall during my time in college—like, oh my god, what am I even doing here?? 😲 But I pushed through until graduation, and once I started working, I realized the real-world experience is way more interesting than textbooks. In any field, you can find a niche that sticks, where you can become great, and once you're good at something, you actually start liking it.
You hate living in this tiny, dead-end town, and you're constantly worried about what people think because it reflects on your parents (who, I assume, expect a hell of a lot from you). Suggestion: start looking for a job in Washington, D.C. Start digging and networking right now; don't wait until you graduate before... securing a future in a big city. Or, you could make a killing and stay put just to spite the haters—now that would be worth 🙂 😬

Spot on, Rachel Walker56.

Even I’m hearing those SOS sirens from here, and honestly? It’s just some emotionally stunted guy standing next to her saying, "One sandwich isn't gonna make you gain weight."🙄 Like, seriously... he’s just checking a box so that during their next big blowout fight, he can smugly go, "See? I told you so!"

Look, kid, you’ve got one massive advantage right now—you actually have a choice!
You'll realize that eventually...

First off, Doc (my girl)...
I went over to her place and just sat down...
So she asks me what’s wrong. I just sit there. Total silence. It was like my mouth had been welded shut or someone poured concrete in it. Honestly, I just started counting the floor tiles to pass the time.
She keeps asking me about it. Honestly, I can barely get a word out. It’s tough to say...
And I just started crying. I barely even got the words out before I told her...
The very first thing she asked was if that’s even what I wanted.
Wait, what?? Really??? Are you kidding me?
Alright... let me tell you how this whole thing actually started. First, it was purging just to drop the weight. Then, it turned into purging every now and then just to stay at a certain number. Eventually, it just became purging because I couldn't stop.
After we talked for about 45 minutes, she looked me right in the eye and told me, "We’re going to fight this together. We can get through this, but only if we keep checking in with each other constantly. Just keep calling me and come over to my place."
That was exactly what I needed at that moment.
And honestly, you have to give the guy credit...
We agreed to meet up at 7:00 PM since we hadn't seen each other in days. Then he rolls in at 7:20. I just lost it. Honestly, I can't even pinpoint the exact reason why I snapped, but everything just felt off. A series of small things spiraled into a massive argument. I ended up telling him that I couldn't even remember the last time he actually asked how I was doing. It’s like he just doesn't notice when something is wrong with me. I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling well, and once I started talking, I completely lost my train of thought. All I can say is his reaction was awful. He reacted exactly how I feared he would—acting like he has absolutely no clue about my struggle with bulimia and just being dismissive about it all.
I’ll just list a few of his statements here.
You're just overthinking it. I'm sure it isn't actually that bad.
Is there actually any science behind that? (Yeah, right.)
I’m taking you out for some burgers right now. You're gonna eat every single bite, and I am definitely not letting you take a bathroom break until we're finished.
I'm gonna have to clock you right in the forehead just to knock those stupid ideas out of your head.
Are you actually lying to me right now?
You’re out of your mind.
So, are you telling me you’re actually throwing up every single time after you just finish a massive, delicious meal?
So you're actually trying to tell me that this is all my fault?
Now you’re just going to nitpick everything I say and throw it back in my face.
I’m honestly in shock.
What can I even say?
So, what now?
Did you end up throwing out that pizza after we went out the other night?
I honestly don't even know what else to tell you guys...
He was absolutely floored...
He didn't mean what he actually said... but that still wasn't the right way to handle it.
So I finally just laid it out for him. I told him straight up that in the hour and a half we spent talking, he didn't even give me a single hug or tell me things were going to be okay. Just nothing.
And when I finally said it... he didn't even hug me. He just sat there, dead silent.
Once he finally snapped out of it, he just pulled me into a hug. Then he started grilling me—asking why I didn't just tell him, why I lied, and why on earth I was doing this to him...??!!!
And then he actually had the nerve to ask when I'm heading up to NYC, acting like he’s gonna tag along with me...
I told him I’d just go on my own since there’s no way he's getting any time off work...
He called five times today. Seriously. Just checking in to see if I’d eaten, what I was up to, if anything hurt... you get the idea. Total hovering.
He told me he loved me right before he walked out of the room this morning...
He spent five minutes last night giving us this whole lecture about the doctor... just kept saying, "I can't believe that actually happened to you."
And honestly, the absolute worst part? I think Mom finally caught on...
We headed out to San Francisco on Tuesday. I packed these pants that fit me perfectly, but by the time we got back on Friday, Mary was giving me a hard time. She actually asked me what kind of pants I was wearing, saying they looked way too big on me and just didn't sit right.
I said some of them were just old...
Since she’s feeling pretty under the weather right now, she’s just staying home. She noticed I haven't been eating much and actually told me I look like I've lost weight over the last few days. I managed to dodge the whole thing by making up some excuse about my aunt being sick and how I was busy hosting everyone, so I didn't get a chance to eat. I just played the "I'm exhausted from the trip" card so she wouldn't dig any deeper... worked like a charm.
There’s a chance she saw the referral slip, though. It was sitting right there on my desk.
She was really pushing me to eat lunch today, but honestly, I’d already knocked back four glasses before sitting down... so I wasn't exactly starving. I ended up just having some salad and a bit of sharp cheddar.
I’m actually dying over here. This plain old green salad is killing me. If this is what I'm dealing with now, I can only imagine the absolute chaos when the steak finally hits the table.
So much...
Heading to NYC next week.
Just checking in...
Oh, yeah... one more thing...
So, I headed out to some local pub today with a buddy. We grab a seat, and I start getting all settled in, just trying to get comfortable, when suddenly I hear this loud, nasty creak from the chair. Before I can even react, I stand up and the whole damn thing just collapses right under me. Total disaster.
Do I even have to tell you guys what kind of disaster just went down? Seriously.
Total disaster!!!
Mary...
I told him exactly what his mother had been saying...
Look, she didn't mean it like that. She didn't even say it like that. Honestly.
I honestly almost lost my cool right then and there... he just completely shut me down...
Now let’s see if he actually steps up... if he can prove himself...
Because I am done giving second chances around here....
It's been way too much lately... dealing with everyone... and everything....
Seriously, enough is enough.

Anthony Wood54,
It is excellent that you are seeing a doctor regularly. You have taken a major step forward.
Now, proceed slowly and without fear.
Pick up a few books regarding your condition—specifically about eating disorders.
Understanding the mechanics is vital; you will likely uncover
insights you haven't realized before, bringing clarity to things that once felt
unfamiliar, which will be beneficial for you.
There are surely many such books available—choose whichever resonates most.
Additionally, try reading about other subjects or find a hobby.
Visit an art supply store, buy some paints, beads, or wire, and just create. It will be yours alone,
and you can either keep it or gift it to someone
dear to you.
🙂
Also, consider some mind-body exercises like Pilates, yoga,
Tai Chi, or similar activities.
You have every right to ask your boyfriend to learn more about this issue, but YOU are the one who must prioritize helping yourself. If you cannot
rely on him, do not try; it will only serve to
exhaust and frustrate you. Focus on yourself and do what is good for you.
Love yourself and love your body. Remember, just like any other human body,
formed by the union of two people, yours is, as it stands, entirely
perfect in this world. 😘

thanks so much...
THANKS EVERYONE....
Things with my boyfriend are fine now (he even brought me some cookies last night)... which just proves he still hasn't quite grasped what happened...
oh yeah...
I stopped by his brother and sister-in-law's place this morning. You guys should have seen their faces...
The second I saw them, I knew he’d told them everything...
I just knew...
They didn't know what to say to me... and I didn't know what to say to them... so we just ended up standing there in the rain, making small talk about how crappy the weather was before I headed out just to save them from the awkwardness...
It sucks feeling like they're looking at me differently... I can feel it...
And as for my body...
it's just... exhausted right now...
Creating stuff??
Right now I'm just painting gear yellow...
😉
and I'm not studying...
I just can't...
👋

I'm gonna punch you right in the head just to knock those stupid thoughts loose...

👎 Look, give him a break—it’s obvious he needs help just as badly as you do, except he’s decided you're his personal punching bag for venting...
Don't let him get away with it. Let him find someone just as tough as he is, so they can be the one to knock some sense into him instead.

When I first saw a girl dealing with bulimia, I honestly had no clue what to say...
I just stared at her like she was some kind of unsolvable mystery... and the words just wouldn't come out.
I think what shocked him most was the fact that we were living together and he hadn't even noticed... that I’d been lying to his face this whole time.
And then there was the whole "punch in the face" moment??
I don't know... I basically told him if he thought hitting me was going to fix her, he should go ahead and do it.
He told me that wasn't his intention at all.
All in all....
Man... sending love to everyone.
👋

Alright, here we go—it’s officially started! Hang in there, girl, and just try to tune out all that background noise from the peanut gallery, okay? It’s funny how life works—if you gain a little weight, everyone’s suddenly an expert on your diet, shouting, "Oh my god, look how much she’s eating!" But if you drop a few pounds, the exact same people turn around and moan, "Good grief, she's nothing but skin and bones!" It’s a total lose-lose situation, really.
Your doctor is 👍 . And honestly, that guy clearly needs some time to find his footing... 😉 Or maybe he just needs a good kick in the pants to get moving.

Fingers crossed for you. It’s tough to admit, even to yourself, but you’ve finally cleared the first hurdle—now it's a straight shot to the top.
Since I’m at a certain age myself, I can tell you from experience—though God knows how many different versions of myself I’ve cycled through.
A man who truly loves knows what's going on with you without you saying a word. That's step one. Then, he hits the grocery store and comes back loaded with stuff: salmon, chicken breast, cauliflower, apples, rye bread, flowers 😍
even if none of that is actually his favorite. Sometimes I catch a whiff of cheeseburgers or pizza on him and I know exactly where he wandered off to, even if he didn't invite me along 😁
On those Sunday afternoons when everything feels heavy, he just grabs his sneakers and drops them in front of me—letting me pick the route, whether it's a hike in the hills or a stroll through downtown, followed by coffee. For my birthday, he showed up with a little stepper, and just recently he picked up a used stationary bike because "it's a great deal." He does all this casually, no lectures, no snide comments.
When a man loves you, you can tell him anything without hesitation—but honestly, you don't even have to, because the best part is knowing he already gets it.

Anthony Wood54, look, the main thing is that you actually took that first step. Honestly, everything I was going to say to you has already been covered by silvermason16, nimbledriver81, and Rachel Walker56. You’re going to get through this—it’s doable. Plus, your doctor is great. At the end of the day, they're just people, just like I mentioned earlier.
Hang in there and good luck. 👍

I don't have class this Thursday, so I'm heading into NYC with a friend.
😉
And tomorrow I'll be in Canada, where we usually grab some kebabs (always)...
so tomorrow is going to be... well...
It's not that I don't want them, I just can't...
Today at the cafeteria... I ordered tomato and leek soup...
I finished the soup in no time. But the leeks? Gross. I was trying to force myself to eat them while the girls around me were tearing into pizza, lasagna, and hot dogs. I'm just sitting there moving things around my plate. Finally, I take a bite and it's SOUR... yep!
I just laughed it off and told them it was spoiled.
Does anyone have tips on how to actually enjoy stuff like that? I've never liked it. I always ate it because I had to...
My brother works at the Marriott and he’s an amazing cook... but I still can't eat this stuff. It's just not good to me... even when everyone else is licking their fingers over plain old cauliflower...

😘 See you all online this Thursday.
As for my boyfriend... he waited until I went to bed to eat, just so he wouldn't tempt me...

Anthony Wood54 said:Does anyone have any tips on how to actually enjoy eating stuff like this? I’ve never been a fan—I always just forced myself to eat it because I felt like I had to...

Honestly, don't force yourself to eat things you dislike, because eventually, your stomach will just react naturally to what it needs 🙂. 😁 Granted, when you're eating at a college dining hall, you don't exactly have a massive menu to choose from... but, hey, try this little trick if you're stuck with a pizza: just slide all the toppings onto one half of the crust and eat only that part. You can just leave the plain dough half sitting there on your plate. 😉 For dessert, go with some yogurt instead of a heavy pudding or a slice of cake... For instance, I absolutely adore chocolate. But, oh boy, I remember vividly how I looked back when I was devouring chocolate every single day... so now, I tell myself: "Okay, I'm dealing with PMS right now, so I'll indulge in chocolate today." 😁 Otherwise, I won't even buy it. Just this morning, I polished off half a chocolate bar 😁 at about 6:30 AM 😁. It’s a good thing there wasn't any left!
And if you're hitting up a burger joint, just order a small portion and eat only half the bun. 😉

Anthony Wood54 hasn't even checked in since Thursday. Not a single word about how she's doing or how that trip to NYC went and everything else.

So here I am...
Got home today... my dog is feeling pretty under the weather, so I'm just hanging out, petting him and keeping an eye on him...
Nothing much happened in Chicago. My doctor scheduled me for this Friday... yeah, this coming Friday...
So, there isn't really much to report...
I'm still basically living on tomato soup, juice, and the occasional yogurt.
I just can't stomach anything else right now.
Still haven't gotten back to studying, either. Just feeling nervous and pretty miserable...
Lost in my own life, honestly...
I'm just holding onto the hope that psychotherapy will actually work because....
It’s going to be fine. It just needs time... more time...
😉👋
😘 😘