What I am writing here is based solely on my modest experience watching movies, so please do not expect any miracles; in fact, prepare for boredom.
To begin, we shall analyze the protagonist and the circle of people they inhabit.
The protagonist can be crammed into two main categories:
1) A hero who specializes in BUTT K1CK1NG F0R G00DN355!!!111 and lacks fear or flaws, though he constantly finds himself arguing with his bosses.
2) A hero who is riddled with flaws and fears, but overcomes them specifically to engage in BUTT K1CK1NG F0R G00DN355!!!111, eventually becoming even more flawless than your standard Hero.
Naturally, there are always variations on this theme, though they are usually found in those bizarre European art films that nobody watches anyway because they are absolute TRASH, HAW HAW HAW!
The main character will also inevitably possess: 1) Comic Relief, 2) a Hawt Treba, and (potentially) 3) a Loyal Sidekick and 4) a Wise Teacher.
1) The role of Comic Relief is to be pathetic and useless, serving as a vessel through which we realize how lucky we are to have the Hero as the lead instead of this loser. Oh, and occasionally, he might be somewhat witty. But beware! Comic Relief is a powerful force that can turn against its creator! Just look at... > Jar-Jar Binks.
A specific variation of Comic Relief is the Wise Scientist, who is a bastardized blend of the Wise Teacher (providing the Hero with useful tools or directions) and a clumsy, inept scientist, much like all of them actually are. Because they are CLUMSY and INEPT and wear thick glasses and are pathetic and WEAK, unable to grasp five basic concepts in a single night like *REAL* MEN HAW HAW!!! And how STUPID it is to be a SCIENTIST!
2) The Hawt Treba is quite vital because she 1) provides the film with a necessary healthy dose of pornography and sexism; 2) she enables... err, what is the term?... Aha! Character development, or whatever, because the Hero falls in love with her or something similar. Furthermore, her function in the film will be to either constantly fall into trouble—which is typical for women, HAW HAW!—requiring the Hero to save her, or to assist the Hero in killing the villains at a crucial moment. In doing so, of course, the Hawt Treba should primarily kill only Hawt villainesses (because they are WOMEN, so they are EQUALLY INCOMPETENT HAW HAW HAW!) or some Random Stormtrooper (who is pathetic enough that anyone can take him out). If there happens to be a Jabba in the film, she can kill him too.
3) The Loyal Sidekick—usually dies within the first thirty minutes of the film so the Hero has an excuse to engage in BUTT K1CK1NG F0R G00DN355!!!111 and slaughter every lowlife in his path. Alternatively: the Loyal Sidekick helps the Hero fight against Evil. Naturally, they are never as capable as the Hero—you should probably find your own movie for that, HAW HAW!
4) The Wise Teacher: Winston Churchill once said, "Knowledge is power!" To ensure the Hero can better crush villains and manipulate the ladies, he is often aided by a Wise Teacher. He serves as a constant source of friendship, wisdom, composure, and similar nonsense that exists solely for the sake of character development. Additionally, there must be at least one scene where the Wise Teacher assists the Hero, allowing us to see how SUPER he is and how his BUTT K1CK1NG F0R G00DN355!!!111 is even more impressive than the Hero's.
That is, unless the screenwriters decide to kill off an old dog and assign that role to a Loyal Sidekick whom the Hero mourns.
Of course, every Hero has a secret flaw. Luke was tempted by the Dark Side, Superman had Kryptonite, and Achilles had the Trojan Horse. Similarly, our Hero must possess a fatal weakness that the Evil Supervillain will exploit at the exact turning point of the action. Moreover, such a flaw adds depth to the lead character, demonstrating that while he can deflect bullets, charm Kim Basinger, and wave a lightsaber, he is still just a man made of blood, midi-chlorians, and meat.
An example of this hero archetype would be something like "Under Siege" starring Steven Seagal. See, that is such a textbook archetype that even though I haven't actually watched the film, I know exactly what happens in it.
So, Steven works as a cook on a ship, and while everyone stares at him, he just stays quiet and acts like he doesn't care—mostly because he knows he could absolutely wreck them all if he wanted to, but he won't, because he’s a good guy, right? Then, a group of evil terrorists decides they want to rule the world, so they steal some nuclear bombs, toss them around just to terrify everyone, and then promise themselves a mountain of cash and every Playboy magazine imaginable to crown themselves the kings of Canada or some other nonsense. They storm the ship and start their villainous antics, and since everyone else is acting like a bunch of pathetic cowards, the terrorists just beat them all up and yell, "HAW HAW, YOU'RE SO PATHETIC!!!" Once they've taken over the vessel, they tell someone like Steven to get the galley under control. This guy keeps poking and prodding at Steven, who remains perfectly cool and collected, refusing to be rattled by such a loser. But eventually, the guy pushes too far and brings up Steven's mother—and since his mother is sacred to him, an electric guitar suddenly blares in the background, Steven snaps, rips the guy's head off, and honestly, he couldn't care less! Then, more evil terrorists show up, and Steven tries to have a calm conversation with them because he’s such a good person, but they're too stupid to realize they're facing Steven Galeb. They push him again, mention his mom, the electric guitar kicks in, and Steven goes berserk, ripping the heads off every single terrorist; he truly does not give a damn! Then Steven realizes these terrorists are pure evil and plan to hog all the Playbooks for themselves while forcing the rest of us to watch boring documentaries instead of Nikita, Baywatch, or anything actually decent. So, he grabs a fork and a knife from the kitchen, the electric guitar screams, Steven loses it, and he tears the heads off every last one of them! He kills them all, and for the main bad guy, he puts his head in a microwave while he's still alive, stuffs his mouth with garlic and seasoning, tosses him on the table, and says, “Dinner is served!” HAW HAW, man, I don't know if that joke was actually in the movie, but it should have been because it's hilarious, and man, am I good! In the end, Steven saves the crew, and the King of Scandinavia awards him a Nobel Prize for BUTT K1CK1NG F0R G00DN355!!!111, and he gets all the Playbooks he ever wanted because he's just that cool!
In my next post—if anyone is even remotely interested in this sort of thing—I might take a more detailed look at the phenomenon of supervillains.
