Attachment styles in relationships: How do you deal with them?

Hello everyone 🙂

I am new to this forum. A few days ago, I started a thread on another subforum regarding my struggles with romantic relationships, specifically one recent situation that left me quite shaken.
It wasn't a long-term relationship, just the early stages of getting to know someone, but we connected incredibly fast. I developed feelings that likely would have turned into deep love if things had gone smoothly.

A fellow member recommended I watch a video about attachment styles. I had done some light reading myself before, but didn't dive too deep. There are four types: anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure.

I am an anxious type, while my partners have consistently been either avoidant or fearful-avoidant
Relationships with them always end poorly due to their tendency to distance themselves, leaving me feeling pretty devastated for a while after the breakup.

I understand why I developed an anxious attachment style based on my early childhood experiences. I grasp the underlying mechanism.

My goal now is to work on changing this attachment style and correcting this pattern as much as possible.

I have a few questions: Does anyone else here share this attachment style, and how do you manage it? Have you managed to change even 50%, and if so, how? What helped you? What are your current relationships like? How does one resolve this type of attachment?
Psychotherapy is quite expensive, so I am not ready for that yet; I would truly value hearing about your personal experiences.

I want to improve and rise above this attachment style. I am aware that I won't "cure" it entirely, but I want to stop dating avoidant or fearful types. They always cause me emotional distress, making it impossible to build the healthy, high-quality connections I desire.

Hey, Maria King3. Didn't I mention just a few days ago that we’d be catching up again soon?

Give us some examples of what you mean by being "needy." How exactly does someone suffocate a man in a relationship?

"Bondage" restraint? 🤷

Maria King3 said:Hello everyone 🙂

I am new to this forum. A few days ago, I started a thread on another subforum regarding my struggles with romantic relationships, specifically one recent situation that left me quite shaken.
It wasn't a long-term relationship, just the early stages of getting to know someone, but we connected incredibly fast. I developed feelings that likely would have turned into deep love if things had gone smoothly.

A fellow member recommended I watch a video about attachment styles. I had done some light reading myself before, but didn't dive too deep. There are four types: anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure.

I am an anxious type, while my partners have consistently been either avoidant or fearful-avoidant
Relationships with them always end poorly due to their tendency to distance themselves, leaving me feeling pretty devastated for a while after the breakup.

I understand why I developed an anxious attachment style based on my early childhood experiences. I grasp the underlying mechanism.

My goal now is to work on changing this attachment style and correcting this pattern as much as possible.

I have a few questions: Does anyone else here share this attachment style, and how do you manage it? Have you managed to change even 50%, and if so, how? What helped you? What are your current relationships like? How does one resolve this type of attachment?
Psychotherapy is quite expensive, so I am not ready for that yet; I would truly value hearing about your personal experiences.

I want to improve and rise above this attachment style. I am aware that I won't "cure" it entirely, but I want to stop dating avoidant or fearful types. They always cause me emotional distress, making it impossible to build the healthy, high-quality connections I desire.

I used to be the anxious type. About 55% of that clinginess vanished after six years of an on-again, off-again mess with an avoidant guy. The other 45% went away after I survived breast cancer and two surgeries. Now, everyone can kiss my ass. The only person I'm "anxious" for is myself. A man is welcome only if he actually makes my life better or easier, because I'm doing pretty great on my own right now. When things get tough, I'd rather be solo than deal with idiots. Besides, you're never truly alone anyway. You've always got friends and family.
Went from being the woman who loves too much to the woman who loves herself too much to let idiots in.
There.
As for which books can replace real-life experience? No clue. Nothing worked for me back then. But if it helps, I was totally clueless until a couple of years ago.
You aren't.

Joshua Perez6 said:I used to be the anxious type. About 55% of that clinginess vanished after six years of an on-again, off-again mess with an avoidant guy. The other 45% went away after I survived breast cancer and two surgeries. Now, everyone can kiss my ass. The only person I'm "anxious" for is myself. A man is welcome only if he actually makes my life better or easier, because I'm doing pretty great on my own right now. When things get tough, I'd rather be solo than deal with idiots. Besides, you're never truly alone anyway. You've always got friends and family.
Went from being the woman who loves too much to the woman who loves herself too much to let idiots in.
There.
As for which books can replace real-life experience? No clue. Nothing worked for me back then. But if it helps, I was totally clueless until a couple of years ago.
You aren't.

I am sorry for the difficult circumstances you have faced in your life. 😢
Truly difficult.
I hope things are better for you now.
Often, circumstances force a person to change.

I have had enough of this mental pattern and I want to change it. However, it is deeply rooted in me and is not easy.
For that reason, I want to start working on myself because this cycle of moving from one bad relationship to another is killing me.
I hit a wall every time, where my options close off and I am back at square one.

I would like to find someone with a secure attachment style.
Connections and relationships are important to me. I have wonderful friends and family, but I would also like to find a stable partner for a romantic relationship.

Alexander Adams94 said:Hey, Maria King3. Didn't I mention just a few days ago that we’d be catching up again soon?

Give us some examples of what you mean by being "needy." How exactly does someone suffocate a man in a relationship?

Hello again.

My needs in a relationship involve wanting reciprocal feelings. They do not need to be perfectly balanced, but I need to feel that my affection is returned. I need to know they won't leave. If they do, then so be it. I express my emotions clearly through both words and actions. Frequently, at that exact moment, the other person withdraws, stating they cannot feel more than they already do or simply cannot reciprocate. They leave me, the relationship ends, and I am left once again with unfulfilled desires for love.

Maria King3 said:I am sorry for the difficult circumstances you have faced in your life. 😢
Truly difficult.
I hope things are better for you now.
Often, circumstances force a person to change.

I have had enough of this mental pattern and I want to change it. However, it is deeply rooted in me and is not easy.
For that reason, I want to start working on myself because this cycle of moving from one bad relationship to another is killing me.
I hit a wall every time, where my options close off and I am back at square one.

I would like to find someone with a secure attachment style.
Connections and relationships are important to me. I have wonderful friends and family, but I would also like to find a stable partner for a romantic relationship.

A "stable partner" in plural, or a stable partner for a single relationship? Just being specific...
"The inverted narcissist"...

I suppose I’m the type of person who tends to shy away from things.
Sometimes it weighs on me, but then, given how much cynicism I harbor regarding romantic relationships, I guess it actually works out quite well for me in the end.

ironrider11 said:A "stable partner" in plural, or a stable partner for a single relationship? Just being specific...
"The inverted narcissist"...

I misspoke—I meant one single partner and one stable relationship.🙂

Not sure what kind of guy I am. 🤔 Seems like it’s out of my hands anyway. 🤔

Maria King3 said:I misspoke—I meant one single partner and one stable relationship.🙂

I’m not even trying to nitpick here, but someone like me—just reading between the lines—might walk away thinking this is all about Will Smith needing a rock-solid partner. Like, if you're looking for a more open, flexible kind of relationship where staying together actually depends on it, you'd need someone totally steady. Not possessive, just wide-eyed and open-minded... 😁

jadetinker85 said:Not sure what kind of guy I am. 🤔 Seems like it’s out of my hands anyway. 🤔

What do you mean by that? Like, what's the logic behind saying it doesn't depend on you?
If it's not on you, then who's running the show? Who else is it gonna be... 🤔

ironrider11 said:A "stable partner" in plural, or a stable partner for a single relationship? Just being specific...
"The inverted narcissist"...

Is that essentially the same thing as a masochist—someone who actually wants to inflict pain on themselves and seek out punishment?

Honestly, the worst part is when I read through these descriptions and start seeing my own patterns and behaviors staring back at me; it gets to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore.

ironrider11 said:What do you mean by that? Like, what's the logic behind saying it doesn't depend on you?
If it's not on you, then who's running the show? Who else is it gonna be... 🤔

It’s simple. You react to the person in front of you. If they want closeness, you get close. If they need their space, you back off. I don't really have a fixed "type"—I just adapt to whoever else is in the equation.🤔

Look, I’m not really one to judge anyone's life choices—I’ve got enough of my own messes to deal with—but I can say this much: maybe try working on being less dependent on others? Focus on finding some emotional equilibrium or, you know, finally untangling those childhood knots that keep resurfacing.

Without doing that groundwork, it’s a long shot to expect the perfect partner to just fall into your lap. I mean, sure, some people strike it rich on a Powerball ticket or dodge a literal meteor, so I guess you could get lucky through sheer cosmic coincidence, but psychology isn't exactly going to bail you out if you aren't doing the work. At least, that's my two cents.

Charles Wood73 said:Look, I’m not really one to judge anyone's life choices—I’ve got enough of my own messes to deal with—but I can say this much: maybe try working on being less dependent on others? Focus on finding some emotional equilibrium or, you know, finally untangling those childhood knots that keep resurfacing.

Without doing that groundwork, it’s a long shot to expect the perfect partner to just fall into your lap. I mean, sure, some people strike it rich on a Powerball ticket or dodge a literal meteor, so I guess you could get lucky through sheer cosmic coincidence, but psychology isn't exactly going to bail you out if you aren't doing the work. At least, that's my two cents.

Self-work is definitely necessary.👍
The problem is I have no idea where to start, and I'm feeling a bit mentally exhausted.

Maria King3, I get it. I really do. We haven't walked the same path, but I know the feeling. I spent years trying to find a partner, just hitting dead ends every single time. No one wanted to talk, and if they did, I was never "their type." I tried everything, and eventually, I actually found someone. She was incredible—the kind of person you think doesn't exist. Everything was perfect for a year until she suddenly decided she only wanted to be friends. She ended things over nothing. You have no idea how much that stings. It wasn't a traditional relationship, but we were connected on every level. I don't even know what my "type" is, but I cared about her in a way I've never cared about anyone else. It was all or nothing. I'm telling you this because I know exactly how hollow you feel right now. I’m turning 31 soon, and honestly, this crushed me so badly I don't even want to try anymore. It took a real toll on my mental health. I wish I could help pull you up, but I can barely keep myself afloat. I hope you find someone you love, and more importantly, someone who actually wants you.

I used to be such an avoidant type... then one day I finally let my guard down, opened up, and all my needs just came flooding out at once. It was a complete train wreck. My whole system just collapsed, and honestly, neither I nor anyone else around me knew what hit us.

Eventually, it clicked. The root of everything was this deep-seated self-disrespect and a total lack of self-love, fueled by being emotionally neglected growing up. Nobody ever really saw me for who I was, and nobody taught me how to actually speak my mind or set any damn boundaries.

So, I started doing the work. Little by little, I learned how to actually like myself—being kind to myself, treating myself with the same grace I’d give someone I truly love. I practiced expressing my feelings and calling out what I need, and after a lot of trial and error, things finally started to level out.

Now, I’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while, and the jealousy? The insecurity? Gone. Whether it's because of the work I put in or if we just happen to be a perfect match... man, I have no clue.

Maria King3 said:Hello everyone 🙂

I am new to this forum. A few days ago, I started a thread on another subforum regarding my struggles with romantic relationships, specifically one recent situation that left me quite shaken.
It wasn't a long-term relationship, just the early stages of getting to know someone, but we connected incredibly fast. I developed feelings that likely would have turned into deep love if things had gone smoothly.

A fellow member recommended I watch a video about attachment styles. I had done some light reading myself before, but didn't dive too deep. There are four types: anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure.

I am an anxious type, while my partners have consistently been either avoidant or fearful-avoidant
Relationships with them always end poorly due to their tendency to distance themselves, leaving me feeling pretty devastated for a while after the breakup.

I understand why I developed an anxious attachment style based on my early childhood experiences. I grasp the underlying mechanism.

My goal now is to work on changing this attachment style and correcting this pattern as much as possible.

I have a few questions: Does anyone else here share this attachment style, and how do you manage it? Have you managed to change even 50%, and if so, how? What helped you? What are your current relationships like? How does one resolve this type of attachment?
Psychotherapy is quite expensive, so I am not ready for that yet; I would truly value hearing about your personal experiences.

I want to improve and rise above this attachment style. I am aware that I won't "cure" it entirely, but I want to stop dating avoidant or fearful types. They always cause me emotional distress, making it impossible to build the healthy, high-quality connections I desire.

Could you drop the link to that video? At first glance, I feel like I might actually be an avoidant or fearful type myself, but I'd like to learn a bit more about the subject before I jump to any conclusions.

Harold Anderson3 said:Could you drop the link to that video? At first glance, I feel like I might actually be an avoidant or fearful type myself, but I'd like to learn a bit more about the subject before I jump to any conclusions.

Here is the link.