I lost my temper and cursed God at my mom, and now I feel terrible

I ended up cursing God at my mom in a fit of rage, and now I’m just sitting here feeling terrible about it. She actually started crying.

I’m currently on antidepressants, so I guess I’ve been feeling a bit more aggressive lately.

It all started because she wanted to close the window I had opened—it was just getting so stuffy in my room, you know? So, she walks into my room and asks why the window is open, I tell her not to close it, but she insists on doing things her way anyway, and then I just snapped and started cursing God... I even told her I have to curse God because she won't listen to me. Honestly, I was already worked up from an earlier conversation we had, plus my brother's little kid made a huge mess in my room, and I had to clean it all up, so I was already on edge. Those are just some of the reasons, I suppose, or maybe they're just excuses for why I acted out.

I did mention to my psychiatrist that I've become more aggressive and irritable since starting the medication, and he basically just shrugged and said it's normal since I used to be more self-destructive before this.

The thing is, my mom isn't a believer at all, so I don't really get why it hit her so hard, especially since I'm an atheist myself. She cried for nearly two hours, and then later she just completely ignored me when I asked if she was still going out with my sister-in-law like they planned. I eventually went into her room to ask if she was still mad, and she just looked at me and said, "I did everything I possibly could for you, and this is how I'm being repaid."

Am I actually a piece of work here, or is she just piling guilt on me for no reason?

I told her straight up that I was upset, but then she just went right back to giving me the cold shoulder while I was trying to work in the kitchen later on...

In my family, the word "sorry" just doesn't exist in our vocabulary, so I didn't exactly offer an apology.
I mean, I spoke in this sort of repentant tone, but honestly, I was just pissed off at the time.

And I suppose that’s supposed to count as an apology, if you want to be technical about it.

It’s not like I’m out here cursing God on a daily basis—I rarely swear, really. But she and my father curse me a million times a day, and I just take it.

Is it really such a massive sin to curse God?

Would it have actually made things easier for her if I had just said, "Screw you"?

I did say that once, just one time, and all she said to me was, "Well, my mother is dead." 😵😵

A few days ago, I was watching Donald Trump on TV and I just thought, "Man, he’s clearly not right; he can't even look people in the eye." To give you some context, I was actually at the psychiatrist with her, and I was so overwhelmed that I ended up crying through almost the entire session. By the time we were leaving, I couldn't even bring myself to look the doctor in the eye during our goodbye, which prompted him to lift his head and tell me that I really should try to maintain eye contact... though, honestly, I struggle with it because my self-esteem is pretty much non-existent lately.

Before we even started, she mentioned to the psychiatrist that I’d gained weight, and he just brushed it off, saying, "Oh, it's nothing, three pounds is nothing, she's only 140 lbs, don't be ridiculous."

Then, a couple of days later, I found myself snacking a bit more than usual because of PMS, and every single time I reached for food or even mentioned being hungry, she would snap at me, telling me I had already eaten enough or that I was getting fat. I tried to explain that I have way bigger things to worry about right now than the number on a scale, but she just laughed in my face.

And then there were those times when she’d toss out the word "FAT" under the guise of a "joke." She does stuff like that quite often, and usually, I just kind of swallow it and let it pass. But now, since the psychiatrist went out of his way to reassure me that I am not overweight and that I shouldn't obsess over it... it's starting to really sting whenever she calls me fat.

The real issue, I suppose, is that I am incredibly emotionally attached to her. I think it stems from the fact that I don't really have a relationship with my father or my brother—well, calling it a relationship might be an overstatement—so I have this nagging fear that if she gets angry with me, I'll end up completely alone. It feels like if she decides to cast me out, I'll be totally isolated from the family, and honestly, most of the time, I already feel like an outcast anyway.

She actually started crying
It’s such a textbook move, honestly—trying to throw you off balance with all that emotion just so she can play the victim.
Don't let her get to you!
You didn't do anything wrong; you were just making it clear that she needs to listen to you, which is pretty much what should happen.

Later on, I went into her room to ask if she was still mad, and she just hit me with: "I did everything I possibly could, so this is just karma coming back to me." Am I actually a piece of trash here, or is she just piling guilt on me for no reason?

More guilt-tripping.
Dont give a fuck about that. 🙂
You aren't a bad person. She's just trying to make you feel guilty; you said what you needed to say. 🙂

And stop apologizing. You have to teach them that they need to listen when you speak up. For the sake of your own self-respect, just don't do it. 🙂

Cursing at God isn't some kind of mortal sin. 🙂

Fast forward a couple of days—I was eating a bit more than usual because of PMS, and every single time I reached for food or mentioned being hungry, she’d snap that I’d already eaten enough and that I’d gotten Fatty. I told her I had way bigger things to worry about right now than my weight, and she just laughed in my face.

Then, a few times, she'll call me "FAT" under the guise of a "joke." She does this stuff a lot; I actually looked it up online.

The bottom line here is that she is the actual problem, not YOU. 🙂

From what I can gather—and I'm just guessing here—she’s acting like the martyr while basically steamrolling you with her temper tantrums...

The thing is, I'm just so incredibly emotionally attached to her.

Cut those ties.
If you're an adult, if you can, try to find a job somewhere far away from the family and get some independence. That’s my honest advice. 🙂

And finally.
Just try to live without letting all these heavy emotions in, and maybe life will be a little easier. 🙂

I really should have handled things differently, but at this point, it’s all over; I just dropped to my knees because she could see how much I was struggling.

Anyway, I’m basically being given the silent treatment right now. I was sitting in the living room just a moment ago, and neither my father nor she would even acknowledge my existence. My dad doesn't usually talk much—truth be told, whenever I ask him anything, she’s always the one who jumps in to answer for him. But not this time. When I tried to address him directly, he just completely ignored me, refusing to say a word, and then she finally chimed in just to say, "in the bedroom."

It wasn't even about asking for a favor or anything like that; I just needed someone to grab my medication for me, so I simply asked where they were kept.

I suppose she feels more guilty about the fact that I lost my cool and started shouting, especially since my daughter-in-law heard me swearing from upstairs—and you know how much tension there’s always been between her and her. Of course, the daughter-in-law was probably thrilled to hear the drama unfold... we all live under the same roof, after all.

What's actually going on that you aren't on good terms with your dad?

And how old are you anyway?

That conversation we were having earlier was really about my aunts heading out on their trip. My mom asked if I wanted to tag along with them, and when I pressed her on who else was going, she just mentioned herself and my brother’s wife. I mean, I had to ask how they even managed to coordinate all this behind my back, and she just gave me this vague "just now" response. Honestly, it gets under my skin how she constantly tries to push me into these confrontations with her and her crowd; it’s like she uses me as some sort of sacrificial pawn because they find me irritating. And sure, they irritate me too, but what am I supposed to do about it?

For instance, if there's a family outing planned and his wife is going to be there, I usually just stay home. I never feel comfortable being in her company, and my mother knows that perfectly well, yet she keeps putting me in this position by asking me over and over again. Maybe I’m being a little bit jealous, I suppose. But whenever I try to brush it off with a joke—like saying, "Oh, so you and your little bestie are heading out without me"—she takes offense at my tone. I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm simply trying to avoid her provocations.

Honestly, I’ve been sitting here thinking about it, and I truly believe Mom could probably benefit from seeing a therapist herself.

Richard Rodriguez17 said:I ended up cursing God at my mom in a fit of rage, and now I’m just sitting here feeling terrible about it. She actually started crying.

I’m currently on antidepressants, so I guess I’ve been feeling a bit more aggressive lately.

It all started because she wanted to close the window I had opened—it was just getting so stuffy in my room, you know? So, she walks into my room and asks why the window is open, I tell her not to close it, but she insists on doing things her way anyway, and then I just snapped and started cursing God... I even told her I have to curse God because she won't listen to me. Honestly, I was already worked up from an earlier conversation we had, plus my brother's little kid made a huge mess in my room, and I had to clean it all up, so I was already on edge. Those are just some of the reasons, I suppose, or maybe they're just excuses for why I acted out.

I did mention to my psychiatrist that I've become more aggressive and irritable since starting the medication, and he basically just shrugged and said it's normal since I used to be more self-destructive before this.

The thing is, my mom isn't a believer at all, so I don't really get why it hit her so hard, especially since I'm an atheist myself. She cried for nearly two hours, and then later she just completely ignored me when I asked if she was still going out with my sister-in-law like they planned. I eventually went into her room to ask if she was still mad, and she just looked at me and said, "I did everything I possibly could for you, and this is how I'm being repaid."

Am I actually a piece of work here, or is she just piling guilt on me for no reason?

I hope you've calmed down a bit and things with your mom are looking better.
You really have to try to understand your mother—being a parent is the hardest job in the world, no matter what anyone says. Most people aren't even ready for that role—to raise a human being—but they find themselves in it and have to take on this massive responsibility, which is a huge source of stress. I know there are all kinds of parents out there, because we aren't all the same, and there’s no such thing as perfection. Maybe you'll be a parent one day too; you'll love that little person more than yourself, but you're definitely going to make mistakes.
I think you should give your mom a chance and sit down to talk with her.

Mark Palmer7 said:I hope you've calmed down a bit and things with your mom are looking better.
You really have to try to understand your mother—being a parent is the hardest job in the world, no matter what anyone says. Most people aren't even ready for that role—to raise a human being—but they find themselves in it and have to take on this massive responsibility, which is a huge source of stress. I know there are all kinds of parents out there, because we aren't all the same, and there’s no such thing as perfection. Maybe you'll be a parent one day too; you'll love that little person more than yourself, but you're definitely going to make mistakes.
I think you should give your mom a chance and sit down to talk with her.

Hardest job in the world? A "job"? A role that most people aren't ready for but somehow end up in and have to take on, or just fake it (like those incompetent actors playing the part of a parent), along with this massive responsibility? How does "most people" just stumble into a role they aren't prepared for? Who's forcing them? Who's making them practice this huge responsibility by playing the part? Compare that to someone being irresponsible at a job at a nuclear power plant, for example, where the consequences are catastrophic if a mother—whose "job" is supposedly the hardest in the world—gets caught playing a role she's totally incapable of handling... The psychoactive drug industry couldn't possibly manufacture enough meds to cover the fallout...

ironrider11 said:Hardest job in the world? A "job"? A role that most people aren't ready for but somehow end up in and have to take on, or just fake it (like those incompetent actors playing the part of a parent), along with this massive responsibility? How does "most people" just stumble into a role they aren't prepared for? Who's forcing them? Who's making them practice this huge responsibility by playing the part? Compare that to someone being irresponsible at a job at a nuclear power plant, for example, where the consequences are catastrophic if a mother—whose "job" is supposedly the hardest in the world—gets caught playing a role she's totally incapable of handling... The psychoactive drug industry couldn't possibly manufacture enough meds to cover the fallout...

Look, nobody’s perfect. Perfect parents don't exist. A "role"? Are we all just acting? It's always so much easier to just turn your back and walk away

Look, I'm a mom, and yeah, it's tough. But unless someone forced her at gunpoint to have a kid or she was victimized—sorry, but she chose this life for herself.
And sure, we all mess up sometimes, but this is one of those rare (maybe the only) situations where the responsibility falls entirely on one side, on the parent. A child didn't ask to be born, and they definitely didn't have a say in the matter.

That doesn't change the fact that Fatty is an adult now, and she has both the opportunity and the responsibility to decide how she's going to carry herself moving forward.
Fatty, honestly, it's great you're doing therapy. I really hope you can get out of that toxic environment ASAP, because it's damn near impossible to heal wounds that someone else is reopening every single day.

From what I can gather, the person who started this thread is dealing with a seriously toxic family dynamic. As for the brother and father—well, no comment there, but at first glance, they sound like two absolute morons. Then there's the mother, which brings us back to why Richard Rodriguez17 chose that handle; it seems like women from this part of the country almost have a fetish for suffering, or perhaps they just crave the drama of it all. It’s strange, really—if there’s a woman out there who is actually happy, doesn't complain about her problems, stays healthy, is financially stable, and has a decent family life, other women tend to look down on her with pure contempt, sometimes even going as far as calling her names. The core issue in her relationship with her mother is a total lack of respect; the mother simply refuses to acknowledge her existence. It’s like the mother treats her like she’s in first grade—for instance, if the mother isn't feeling cold with a window wide open, why should the daughter feel obligated to close it?!!? If they were in the same room, she might have a say in it, but she wasn't even there. And unless opening that window was going to cool down the entire apartment, I don't see how it matters.

Living in a communal setup can be a great thing if everyone gets along and helps each other out—like having someone to watch the kids or always having company. But in 90% of cases, communal living is a complete nightmare caused by dysfunctional relationships. And honestly, I don't think things will get any better when three generations are crammed into the same house.🙄 It’s often a disaster even when you live in an apartment complex or separate floors, but it’s much worse when you have zero privacy whatsoever. I wouldn't be surprised if those men in the family are already calculating whether they want to marry her off just to be rid of her. How old are you? Do you have a social circle or a boyfriend? What's your income like? My honest advice to you is to get out of there as fast as you possibly can.

But hey, let’s not jump the gun and start judging her family just yet. 🧐
There’s a whole lot of nuance involved here, I guess, and maybe... 😉

Richard Rodriguez17 said:I ended up cursing God at my mom in a fit of rage, and now I’m just sitting here feeling terrible about it. She actually started crying.

I’m currently on antidepressants, so I guess I’ve been feeling a bit more aggressive lately.

It all started because she wanted to close the window I had opened—it was just getting so stuffy in my room, you know? So, she walks into my room and asks why the window is open, I tell her not to close it, but she insists on doing things her way anyway, and then I just snapped and started cursing God... I even told her I have to curse God because she won't listen to me. Honestly, I was already worked up from an earlier conversation we had, plus my brother's little kid made a huge mess in my room, and I had to clean it all up, so I was already on edge. Those are just some of the reasons, I suppose, or maybe they're just excuses for why I acted out.

I did mention to my psychiatrist that I've become more aggressive and irritable since starting the medication, and he basically just shrugged and said it's normal since I used to be more self-destructive before this.

The thing is, my mom isn't a believer at all, so I don't really get why it hit her so hard, especially since I'm an atheist myself. She cried for nearly two hours, and then later she just completely ignored me when I asked if she was still going out with my sister-in-law like they planned. I eventually went into her room to ask if she was still mad, and she just looked at me and said, "I did everything I possibly could for you, and this is how I'm being repaid."

Am I actually a piece of work here, or is she just piling guilt on me for no reason?

Swearing like that isn't good for you. It doesn't accomplish anything; in fact, if

God exists, then it's really bad. You directed that toward the greatest good.

The reason your mom was crying might be because she realized how vulnerable you are and that you

hurt her, so she feels for you. That would actually be a good sign and give hope for things getting better.

However, if she was crying just because she felt insulted, then that's totally

disrespectful!

Why? Because she's putting herself and her own ego first, which means she loves

and respects herself more than her own child.

That's not a healthy way to grow. It's bad for everyone.

I'm reading through this thread—probably just because it was the first one I saw. I’m not really part of this crowd, and I doubt I’ll even bother replying to anything else here.😁

Richard Rodriguez17, what is actually wrong with you? You're an ego-driven mess. Honestly, the last person on Earth who could stand you is probably your own mother, and you've driven her right to the edge.

Seriously, you cursed God right in front of her and she spent two hours in tears.
She doesn't care about you, or any future daughter-in-law, or even God at this point—she's clearly just exhausted dealing with all of you.
Just catering to your little tantrums.
On top of that, you're so full of yourself, thinking the entire world should be revolving around you.

Looking at how much you complain, it seems like you blame everyone else for your own flaws—medication, a niece, your dad, your brother... you could go on forever.

Maybe try working on your self-esteem a bit. It shouldn't involve taking your frustrations out on your family like this.

Karen Cook7 said:I'm reading through this thread—probably just because it was the first one I saw. I’m not really part of this crowd, and I doubt I’ll even bother replying to anything else here.😁

Richard Rodriguez17, what is actually wrong with you? You're an ego-driven mess. Honestly, the last person on Earth who could stand you is probably your own mother, and you've driven her right to the edge.

Seriously, you cursed God right in front of her and she spent two hours in tears.
She doesn't care about you, or any future daughter-in-law, or even God at this point—she's clearly just exhausted dealing with all of you.
Just catering to your little tantrums.
On top of that, you're so full of yourself, thinking the entire world should be revolving around you.

Looking at how much you complain, it seems like you blame everyone else for your own flaws—medication, a niece, your dad, your brother... you could go on forever.

Maybe try working on your self-esteem a bit. It shouldn't involve taking your frustrations out on your family like this.

...and yourself.

👍 👍

Karen Cook7 said:I'm reading through this thread—probably just because it was the first one I saw. I’m not really part of this crowd, and I doubt I’ll even bother replying to anything else here.😁

Richard Rodriguez17, what is actually wrong with you? You're an ego-driven mess. Honestly, the last person on Earth who could stand you is probably your own mother, and you've driven her right to the edge.

Seriously, you cursed God right in front of her and she spent two hours in tears.
She doesn't care about you, or any future daughter-in-law, or even God at this point—she's clearly just exhausted dealing with all of you.
Just catering to your little tantrums.
On top of that, you're so full of yourself, thinking the entire world should be revolving around you.

Looking at how much you complain, it seems like you blame everyone else for your own flaws—medication, a niece, your dad, your brother... you could go on forever.

Maybe try working on your self-esteem a bit. It shouldn't involve taking your frustrations out on your family like this.

You clearly aren't reading well, and you understand even less. Stop the swearing, stop the nonsense, and just stay quiet.

You guys are all coddling her and policing my language like it’s a crime—honestly, everything is fine. Her mother spent two hours crying over nothing, even though she doesn't even believe in God.

Based on what she's posting, she isn't the one who needs help—it's her mom.

Wait, why am I the one getting flack for swearing, while nobody seems to care that she basically went for a skullcap?
You're downplaying what she did, yet somehow my behavior is the big issue here?