How to forgive myself when the guilt is overwhelming

First off—depressed individuals don't actually have any desire to belittle anyone else (unless they're doing it to themselves)—and when you pair a narcissist with someone struggling with depression, it’s a desperate match that rarely holds up. It usually falls apart because the person seeking genuine love and connection won't find it from a narcissist, leading them deeper into despair until they either leave the relationship or reach a breaking point. Meanwhile, the narcissist often finds their partner's melancholy—and the occasional self-neglect that comes with it—to be an inconvenience, especially when it interferes with meeting their own specific demands.

silvereagle7 said:Another thing about psychopaths—the second you stop letting their little games or comments get under your skin, they just bail and go hunting for a new target... If you try to drag them into your web or play devil's advocate, you're basically toast, because in their world, they’re never wrong and nothing is ever their fault. They really just need someone who’ll always play along and dance to their tune...

That was incredibly well said. I wish I had read this when I actually needed my eyes opened.

It involves a long-distance relationship I’ve mentioned before. We broke up the first time because she found a new victim, though there was a weird twist. She ran into a total lunatic who, by her own account, spent months tearing her down until things finally hit a breaking point. It all ended with the police getting involved, which forced him to back off on the threats and harassment. I was foolish enough to try again with her. This time we lasted longer, but it fell apart again because she clearly just lost interest. Just a week later, she’s in a new relationship, and from what I can see, this new guy is thrilled to be with her.

So, I guess I fit perfectly into that terrifying description you wrote. She could never admit she was ever wrong; my only real "faults" were things like forgetting to call on time or missing a text. I was constantly accused of doing things behind her back, which she then used to justify looking for new guys. She had actually been following this new guy on social media for two or three months before things ended between us.

Luckily, I've stopped stalking her profiles, but the thoughts still haunt my dreams, which is the hardest part to deal with. Thanks for the comment!!!!

This is such a great topic, though I honestly think we’re all just guessing here... just throwing out little fragments of thought... To me, the whole idea of "forgiving yourself" or trying to work through guilt feels almost masochistic—like a totally misguided way to handle things. We aren't saints, after all; we're just regular people tripping up over big or small mistakes every single day... there's really no reason to put yourself through some kind of mental penance because of it.

When you're talking about those massive errors or total delusions, I feel like you don't even need to judge yourself or offer forgiveness—life has already handed down its verdict. For instance, if someone loses their entire social circle because of that impulsivity mentioned in the opening post... well, that's the consequence right there.
I mean, what exactly is there to forgive when every single move you make triggers a reaction from everyone else anyway? It's all connected...

It almost feels pointless to forgive yourself for not knowing better or for failing to control yourself in the moment. If you actually had the capacity to act differently or stay in control back then, you would have done it. Simple as that.

But I will say, forgiving yourself for those major life choices or the times you fell for huge illusions... that's the real mountain to climb. I'm still stuck on that one myself—I haven't quite figured out how a person is supposed to find peace with those kinds of things.

Maybe it would just be easier if people—and honestly, ourselves too—just had the guts to say "I'm sorry."

Dana Davis5 said:This is such a great topic, though I honestly think we’re all just guessing here... just throwing out little fragments of thought... To me, the whole idea of "forgiving yourself" or trying to work through guilt feels almost masochistic—like a totally misguided way to handle things. We aren't saints, after all; we're just regular people tripping up over big or small mistakes every single day... there's really no reason to put yourself through some kind of mental penance because of it.

When you're talking about those massive errors or total delusions, I feel like you don't even need to judge yourself or offer forgiveness—life has already handed down its verdict. For instance, if someone loses their entire social circle because of that impulsivity mentioned in the opening post... well, that's the consequence right there.
I mean, what exactly is there to forgive when every single move you make triggers a reaction from everyone else anyway? It's all connected...

It almost feels pointless to forgive yourself for not knowing better or for failing to control yourself in the moment. If you actually had the capacity to act differently or stay in control back then, you would have done it. Simple as that.

But I will say, forgiving yourself for those major life choices or the times you fell for huge illusions... that's the real mountain to climb. I'm still stuck on that one myself—I haven't quite figured out how a person is supposed to find peace with those kinds of things.

Does that guilt actually have anything to do with self-forgiveness? Not really. Honestly, dwelling on it just feels like giving yourself a slap in the face for being delusional. 🕺

Dana Davis5 said:This is such a great topic, though I honestly think we’re all just guessing here... just throwing out little fragments of thought... To me, the whole idea of "forgiving yourself" or trying to work through guilt feels almost masochistic—like a totally misguided way to handle things. We aren't saints, after all; we're just regular people tripping up over big or small mistakes every single day... there's really no reason to put yourself through some kind of mental penance because of it.

When you're talking about those massive errors or total delusions, I feel like you don't even need to judge yourself or offer forgiveness—life has already handed down its verdict. For instance, if someone loses their entire social circle because of that impulsivity mentioned in the opening post... well, that's the consequence right there.
I mean, what exactly is there to forgive when every single move you make triggers a reaction from everyone else anyway? It's all connected...

It almost feels pointless to forgive yourself for not knowing better or for failing to control yourself in the moment. If you actually had the capacity to act differently or stay in control back then, you would have done it. Simple as that.

But I will say, forgiving yourself for those major life choices or the times you fell for huge illusions... that's the real mountain to climb. I'm still stuck on that one myself—I haven't quite figured out how a person is supposed to find peace with those kinds of things.

Absolutely! I agree with every single word, but...

What you wrote isn't being questioned, but the emotional side of things doesn't care about logic. That crushing sense of guilt shows up regardless of whether I've consciously decided to dwell on it or not.

Logic is one thing, but feelings... good grief... they are enough to drive anyone insane.

Anyway, I managed to deal with my own guilt using the method I detailed in my later posts; it's a fascinating approach, and I'd suggest others give it a shot.

briskpuma6 said:Absolutely! I agree with every single word, but...

What you wrote isn't being questioned, but the emotional side of things doesn't care about logic. That crushing sense of guilt shows up regardless of whether I've consciously decided to dwell on it or not.

Logic is one thing, but feelings... good grief... they are enough to drive anyone insane.

Anyway, I managed to deal with my own guilt using the method I detailed in my later posts; it's a fascinating approach, and I'd suggest others give it a shot.

Which previous posts? I'm lost.

I suppose I see guilt as the fallout from doing something wrong—either to myself or someone else—where I end up regretting it later. Or, it's the reaction to being hurt by someone else, whether they meant to or not. You get angry at them, and when you can't actually lash out or settle the score, you turn that frustration inward. You start blaming yourself—thinking, "How could I have been such an idiot to let them play me like that?"—and then you basically punish yourself. It’s like adding insult to injury, over and over again...

Call it whatever you want—self-forgiveness, or just accepting that "I was acting crazy because I didn't know any better." Maybe the other people involved were just as lost in their own mess and didn't realize the collateral damage they were causing. Or, if they did it on purpose, well, let them go be miserable somewhere else. I'm done with the endless rumination and chewing on things that should have been swallowed and forgotten ages ago (or at least, I'm trying to stop doing that). I don't know how I finally got there—maybe it was just realizing I have much more important things to do than obsess over feelings that might be, well, overrated. Like my therapist once told me, just "dial down the intensity." 😁 🙂

Maria Price3 said:Which previous posts? I'm lost.

I suppose I see guilt as the fallout from doing something wrong—either to myself or someone else—where I end up regretting it later. Or, it's the reaction to being hurt by someone else, whether they meant to or not. You get angry at them, and when you can't actually lash out or settle the score, you turn that frustration inward. You start blaming yourself—thinking, "How could I have been such an idiot to let them play me like that?"—and then you basically punish yourself. It’s like adding insult to injury, over and over again...

Call it whatever you want—self-forgiveness, or just accepting that "I was acting crazy because I didn't know any better." Maybe the other people involved were just as lost in their own mess and didn't realize the collateral damage they were causing. Or, if they did it on purpose, well, let them go be miserable somewhere else. I'm done with the endless rumination and chewing on things that should have been swallowed and forgotten ages ago (or at least, I'm trying to stop doing that). I don't know how I finally got there—maybe it was just realizing I have much more important things to do than obsess over feelings that might be, well, overrated. Like my therapist once told me, just "dial down the intensity." 😁 🙂

I see where you're coming from, but I have completely reframed my perspective on guilt: what it actually is and how to move past it. I laid out the whole process in my comment under number 7.

It seems guilt isn't really about what happened in the past, but rather about what is happening right now. Give it a shot and see. For me, it didn't just help; it allowed me to finally shake the whole thing off for good.

P.S. If you want to dive deeper into this, feel free to shoot me a private message.

Guilt is such a heavy thing because we can't help but look back at what we could have done differently

😲 What did you actually do to him just to get a rise out of him? When someone tries to bait me, I push back with the same energy—nothing more, nothing less. No stepping on people, no humiliation. 🤷

But you’ve got to forgive yourself, one way or another. You can't carry that guilt around forever; it's impossible to live like that.