I can't stand being alone

It’s honestly hard for me to even wrap my head around what’s going on with me, but I’ll try to start somewhere. I’m 32 now, and looking back, I haven't had a single day of being single since I was 16. It was like a constant cycle—before I even officially ended one relationship, I already had someone else lined up because the thought of just being alone was unbearable.

I think I have this massive, overwhelming fear of abandonment. Growing up, my parents weren't really there for me. They didn't spend time with me, they weren't present for the big milestones, or even the small stuff like school plays—you know, all those things that actually matter to a kid.
Because of that, I never really built up any real resilience. I cry way too easily, I'm constantly insecure, and I find myself hiding behind this inner child version of myself.

Fast forward to today: I’m married and we have a little baby. The thing is, I’m struggling so much with how to handle conflict with my husband. He’s very self-assured and has these really firm convictions, whereas I just break down the second he offers even a tiny bit of criticism or disagrees with me.
Whenever he calls me out on something, I immediately spiral into guilt. I end up beating myself up and crying uncontrollably, and it often escalates into some pretty dark, self-destructive behavior on my part.

Just a heads-up, we have a newborn, so finding the time to see a therapist right now is nearly impossible since she needs my attention 24/7. But I desperately want to figure out what's wrong with me and how to fix it.

What does it actually mean to hold a firm stance versus just leveling criticism? Can you walk me through an example?

Here’s a recent example

I promised my mom I'd help her carry some heavy stuff yesterday, but meanwhile, we've been dealing with a major mold issue in my room and trying to get it sorted out
He really wanted me to bail on her, but I know my mom—she’s stubborn as hell and she’ll end up lugging everything herself because she’s older now and her back is just shot
So, I told her I’d help out and be right back so we could get it all done together
But he managed to make me feel so guilty that I actually ended up leaving in tears

By the time I got back, the whole argument started up again, and I felt so helpless that I spiraled into that self-destructive headspace and ended up hurting myself...

So, yeah

Ronald Edwards5 said:Here’s a recent example

I promised my mom I'd help her carry some heavy stuff yesterday, but meanwhile, we've been dealing with a major mold issue in my room and trying to get it sorted out
He really wanted me to bail on her, but I know my mom—she’s stubborn as hell and she’ll end up lugging everything herself because she’s older now and her back is just shot
So, I told her I’d help out and be right back so we could get it all done together
But he managed to make me feel so guilty that I actually ended up leaving in tears

By the time I got back, the whole argument started up again, and I felt so helpless that I spiraled into that self-destructive headspace and ended up hurting myself...

So, yeah

Hold on a second. You were trying to help your mother, and he makes you feel guilty for it? It seems pretty obvious the problem isn't you, it's him.

If I were you, I’d give him a swift kick in the teeth and tell him to stop telling me how to live my life.

crimsonmoose3 said:Hold on a second. You were trying to help your mother, and he makes you feel guilty for it? It seems pretty obvious the problem isn't you, it's him.

If I were you, I’d give him a swift kick in the teeth and tell him to stop telling me how to live my life.

I wish I could, but I just can't.
I usually end up breaking down, crying, and over-explaining everything until I'm just suffocating under all this guilt.

Ronald Edwards5 said:Here’s a recent example

I promised my mom I'd help her carry some heavy stuff yesterday, but meanwhile, we've been dealing with a major mold issue in my room and trying to get it sorted out
He really wanted me to bail on her, but I know my mom—she’s stubborn as hell and she’ll end up lugging everything herself because she’s older now and her back is just shot
So, I told her I’d help out and be right back so we could get it all done together
But he managed to make me feel so guilty that I actually ended up leaving in tears

By the time I got back, the whole argument started up again, and I felt so helpless that I spiraled into that self-destructive headspace and ended up hurting myself...

So, yeah

Isn't that linked to what you mentioned before, about how he and your mother don't see eye to eye? Is there an example that doesn't involve her?

I’m not a fan of your husband either. It’s pretty obvious the issue lies with him, not you. Stop taking the blame for his mess...

I think he messed up, but honestly, I just want to fix this mess and learn how to stand my ground
Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. You have to be tough and learn how to bounce back no matter what hits you. You can't just sit there crying or start breaking things because you don't know how to handle a situation properly.

Look, yeah, he says things sometimes that are totally out of line, but the truth is, I haven't figured out how to deal with it the right way yet.

The other day, he got annoyed because I walked into the room and woke him up, and before I knew it, I was a total wreck—sobbing and throwing stuff around the house.
I feel like I’m acting like a complete child, and I really don't know how to stop.

Are you on any medication right now? Because those aren't typical reactions, and you know it.

David Torres87 said:Are you on any medication right now? Because those aren't typical reactions, and you know it.

I'm not in any kind of treatment. I'm just home with the baby right now, so I don't really have the capacity.
I'm not a danger to her, and I wouldn't say this is my baseline personality, but it's just how I get whenever he starts leveling those kinds of criticisms at me—if you can even call them that.
I'd love to be able to work on deconstructing my own patterns from home, just to figure out why I react that way.

Honestly, this stuff probably goes all the way back to childhood—likely some lack of attention or empathy growing up. Combine that with being naturally hypersensitive, and you’ve basically got a blueprint for how you operate today.

You really need to work on managing your reactions. A psychotherapist who specializes in these kinds of patterns would be your best bet, though the real headache is just how hard it can be to find a specialist who actually knows their stuff.
Also, I don't know how much you're opening up to your wife about all this, but she needs to be in the loop. If you guys just end up fighting constantly, the resentment is only going to pile up.

I’m trying to explain to him that I really need his support during these moments, but he just can't seem to get it. He mostly just stands there in total shock at what he's seeing.
I mean, I get it—it’s probably hard for him to watch his wife throwing things around the house and acting out like this, especially when it ends up with me being the one who has to apologize for my own behavior anyway.

It started happening after every single argument. It’s like he lost his ability to empathize; he’s become desensitized to it. Now, he just looks at me like, "Oh, here she goes again with the nonsense."
He probably views me the same way we view a two-year-old having a massive meltdown—you just let them scream and wait for it to blow over.

Honestly, while people might tolerate that kind of thing from kids, an adult losing their cool like this isn't cute or charming. Nobody is going to just shrug it off—rightfully so—instead, you just end up getting labeled as unstable.

I’m asking for more support and understanding than he’s actually capable of giving. In his mind, he thinks this is something I should just be able to fix by myself.

I can’t really judge his character well enough to draw any conclusions. Sometimes people just bring out the worst in us, but regardless, these kinds of reactions are dramatic and counterproductive.
It’s also tough to offer advice when I don't know if what he’s saying is actually normal, or if it's just him being condescending and trying to act superior. Hard to say without knowing more. If that were the case, such a reaction wouldn't be justified, but at least you could decide where to put your energy: on yourself or on fixing the marriage.

Based on how his family talks to one another, it’s pretty clear they don't think much of throwing a little shade or calling each other names once in a while to move on
I just can't do that. To me, it feels like the end of the world if he even makes a minor complaint and I can't find the words to stand up for myself.
I’d describe him as a dog that barks but never actually bites—he likes to toss out a snarky comment here and there, but he isn't systematically abusive or a bad person by nature.
To him, all of this is incredibly strange because he’s never dealt with someone who is quite this sensitive before.

I honestly think one reason I struggle to push back is a fear of abandonment. It's that nagging worry that he’ll leave me if I ever show any resistance or if I don't immediately offer a deep apology for everything I do.

Ronald Edwards5 said:I’m trying to explain to him that I really need his support during these moments, but he just can't seem to get it. He mostly just stands there in total shock at what he's seeing.
I mean, I get it—it’s probably hard for him to watch his wife throwing things around the house and acting out like this, especially when it ends up with me being the one who has to apologize for my own behavior anyway.

It started happening after every single argument. It’s like he lost his ability to empathize; he’s become desensitized to it. Now, he just looks at me like, "Oh, here she goes again with the nonsense."
He probably views me the same way we view a two-year-old having a massive meltdown—you just let them scream and wait for it to blow over.

Honestly, while people might tolerate that kind of thing from kids, an adult losing their cool like this isn't cute or charming. Nobody is going to just shrug it off—rightfully so—instead, you just end up getting labeled as unstable.

I’m asking for more support and understanding than he’s actually capable of giving. In his mind, he thinks this is something I should just be able to fix by myself.

But honestly, you kind of have to, because at some point, nobody else can fix it for you. It feels like you're holding him hostage—like, whenever he tells me something I don't want to hear, I totally lose it and can't handle it, and then I'm just miserable, boohoo...

I’ve been following your other threads too, and it’s always the same vibe. You seem to be waiting for space to just solve all your problems—which there are plenty of—while making excuses for why you aren't stepping up. Now that you're home with the baby, you're saying you can't (not like anything bad would happen if Dad watched the kid for two hours once a week while you went to therapy), but that's just how you've always been, even though the baby has only been here for a few months.

We talked about your mom and her relationship with you guys on another thread, and you made all these decisions—but now you're running to your mom again and then crying when your husband pushes back. Honestly, I think I’d feel the same way if I were him—though I probably wouldn't have kids with someone who throws things around the second they don't get their way.

This might sound harsh, but it's just the truth. If you actually want to make your life better, you've gotta take charge of it. It’s not easy and it definitely hurts, and it takes a ton of work—so if you won't do it for yourself, maybe try doing it for the baby.

David Torres87 said:I can’t really judge his character well enough to draw any conclusions. Sometimes people just bring out the worst in us, but regardless, these kinds of reactions are dramatic and counterproductive.
It’s also tough to offer advice when I don't know if what he’s saying is actually normal, or if it's just him being condescending and trying to act superior. Hard to say without knowing more. If that were the case, such a reaction wouldn't be justified, but at least you could decide where to put your energy: on yourself or on fixing the marriage.

Just check out her other posts, it might help clear things up.

Ronald Edwards5 said:Based on how his family talks to one another, it’s pretty clear they don't think much of throwing a little shade or calling each other names once in a while to move on
I just can't do that. To me, it feels like the end of the world if he even makes a minor complaint and I can't find the words to stand up for myself.
I’d describe him as a dog that barks but never actually bites—he likes to toss out a snarky comment here and there, but he isn't systematically abusive or a bad person by nature.
To him, all of this is incredibly strange because he’s never dealt with someone who is quite this sensitive before.

I honestly think one reason I struggle to push back is a fear of abandonment. It's that nagging worry that he’ll leave me if I ever show any resistance or if I don't immediately offer a deep apology for everything I do.

In the previous thread, I thought him sending your toxic mother to hell in three different ways was just an isolated incident, but apparently, that's just part of his charm.
I'm not sure what to tell you. Personally, I couldn't deal with that. Abusive or not.
Think about the child growing up and watching this if you stay in the marriage.
As someone sensitive to these things, let me tell you: you won't change enough to make all that constant snapping okay. You'll either go numb or fall into a deep depression. Or, if you think you can become like him and just trade insults constantly, go ahead—but really, do you want your kid to witness that?

velvetgull9 said:But honestly, you kind of have to, because at some point, nobody else can fix it for you. It feels like you're holding him hostage—like, whenever he tells me something I don't want to hear, I totally lose it and can't handle it, and then I'm just miserable, boohoo...

I’ve been following your other threads too, and it’s always the same vibe. You seem to be waiting for space to just solve all your problems—which there are plenty of—while making excuses for why you aren't stepping up. Now that you're home with the baby, you're saying you can't (not like anything bad would happen if Dad watched the kid for two hours once a week while you went to therapy), but that's just how you've always been, even though the baby has only been here for a few months.

We talked about your mom and her relationship with you guys on another thread, and you made all these decisions—but now you're running to your mom again and then crying when your husband pushes back. Honestly, I think I’d feel the same way if I were him—though I probably wouldn't have kids with someone who throws things around the second they don't get their way.

This might sound harsh, but it's just the truth. If you actually want to make your life better, you've gotta take charge of it. It’s not easy and it definitely hurts, and it takes a ton of work—so if you won't do it for yourself, maybe try doing it for the baby.

Just check out her other posts, it might help clear things up.

I participated in the last thread. Back then, it seemed like the issue was just the mother and Ronald Edwards5. Now I see the husband is part of the problem too. I'd say walk away from both, though I doubt that'll happen.

Yeah, I finally sorted out the tension between him and my mom, and I honestly feel like it’s a step forward.
I’ve come to peace with the fact that they might never truly click, so I'm done stressing over it. But I made it very clear: I still want to have a relationship with my mother.

It's not about me running back to her every time things get tough; it's just about being there for the heavy stuff. At the end of the day, I feel like I owe it to her to show up, regardless of how complicated things are.

He thinks it’s perfectly fine to say whatever is on his mind and expects me to just "react maturely" to it.
But I don't buy that. Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean you need to voice it at all costs. He really lacks empathy here—he needs to understand my relationship with my mom. It's not like I got to pick a difficult parent; this is just the hand I was dealt.

Anyway, my main focus now is working on myself. I need to be solid enough so that neither my mom, nor my husband, nor my boss—or heaven knows who else—can just walk all over me.

Ronald Edwards5 said:It’s honestly hard for me to even wrap my head around what’s going on with me, but I’ll try to start somewhere. I’m 32 now, and looking back, I haven't had a single day of being single since I was 16. It was like a constant cycle—before I even officially ended one relationship, I already had someone else lined up because the thought of just being alone was unbearable.

I think I have this massive, overwhelming fear of abandonment. Growing up, my parents weren't really there for me. They didn't spend time with me, they weren't present for the big milestones, or even the small stuff like school plays—you know, all those things that actually matter to a kid.
Because of that, I never really built up any real resilience. I cry way too easily, I'm constantly insecure, and I find myself hiding behind this inner child version of myself.

Fast forward to today: I’m married and we have a little baby. The thing is, I’m struggling so much with how to handle conflict with my husband. He’s very self-assured and has these really firm convictions, whereas I just break down the second he offers even a tiny bit of criticism or disagrees with me.
Whenever he calls me out on something, I immediately spiral into guilt. I end up beating myself up and crying uncontrollably, and it often escalates into some pretty dark, self-destructive behavior on my part.

Just a heads-up, we have a newborn, so finding the time to see a therapist right now is nearly impossible since she needs my attention 24/7. But I desperately want to figure out what's wrong with me and how to fix it.

This is pretty hard to read. People like this can be totally draining because it feels like they got stuck somewhere in their childhood and are just constantly starving for affection and attention.

Personally, I deal with BPD, so I definitely see some connections there.

Alex Palmer4 said:This is pretty hard to read. People like this can be totally draining because it feels like they got stuck somewhere in their childhood and are just constantly starving for affection and attention.

Personally, I deal with BPD, so I definitely see some connections there.

Yeah, I find myself constantly chasing that unconditional love and validation in a relationship—just wanting to feel like I truly matter to someone.

How am I supposed to pull myself together when I've got two tactless people constantly in my life? It feels like a Sisyphus task. You try to drop at least one stone, yet you end up pushing both of them to the top. It’s noble to want to work on yourself and realize you can't change them, but I worry they'll just be the peak where everything rolls right back down onto me. It's hard to focus on self-improvement when someone is constantly criticizing you without an ounce of empathy, all while dealing with a demanding mother. Real growth is difficult because sometimes it requires cutting people out entirely.