Fear of abandonment

Peter Murphy6 said:Do I really need to lay out my whole life story just to prove "credibility"? Not happening.

Nobody was around to help back when I actually "needed" it—I didn't have any options, so I just had to grit my teeth and figure it out myself. Now that things are looking up and I actually have choices, I just don't feel like it.

And honestly, there are probably plenty of other people out there stuck in the same boat with zero options.

If I’d stumbled upon this thread back when I was commenting on it, man, it would've helped me out big time.

Fair enough, you found your way... but let me ask you, are you sure you're actually healed and not just masking the pain?
Because I went through this amazing stretch in my life where I honestly thought I'd made massive progress and left all my baggage behind. Turns out, I was dead wrong, and it totally bit me in the ass.
Maybe things just finally started looking up for you, which is why you can afford to pass now. But I can tell you for a fact—all that buried stuff eventually needs to come out and be dealt with. If you're actually okay, fine. But if you aren't? It's basically a ticking time bomb just waiting for the right moment to blow up—like losing a job, a breakup, a death in the family, or getting sick...

Donna White50 said:Fair enough, you found your way... but let me ask you, are you sure you're actually healed and not just masking the pain?
Because I went through this amazing stretch in my life where I honestly thought I'd made massive progress and left all my baggage behind. Turns out, I was dead wrong, and it totally bit me in the ass.
Maybe things just finally started looking up for you, which is why you can afford to pass now. But I can tell you for a fact—all that buried stuff eventually needs to come out and be dealt with. If you're actually okay, fine. But if you aren't? It's basically a ticking time bomb just waiting for the right moment to blow up—like losing a job, a breakup, a death in the family, or getting sick...

I basically wrote a whole novel here, typical me. 🙄

Let me try to cut to the chase.

First off, being alone doesn't scare me.

Second, death and illness are extreme situations. You can't prep for those.
You can't prepare for every single thing life throws at you; you can only trust yourself to handle it when it happens.
Honestly, this is one of the first things on this forum I feel like I've really processed alongside someone else.

Third, losing a job? 🤣

(That's me, though—I totally get what you're saying)

Those aren't the things that trigger my time bomb.

Life hasn't exactly "started looking up"—if anything, this is the toughest era of my life. Before this, things felt "easy" because I was just oblivious.

Those periods were exactly like what you described. Everything was "great" right until the next crash.
That's why I can see the difference now. An "amazing period" is just an amazing period. Just like a bad period is just a bad period. What I'm talking about is the space above, below, or tucked between those two—inner peace.

I locked that time bomb in an airtight room, then I triggered it myself, and then did it again. I gave *myself* permission to let it go off, so I don't have to worry about anyone else pulling the pin on me.
It isn't a "time bomb" anymore. Now, it's just a bomb. And honestly? A little explosion here and there works for me.

An explosion while the timer is still ticking is way more dangerous, and yeah, that fear is justified. I used to play high stakes, and I could afford the risk.

Who knows what life has in store? No clue.
My fears about the future usually vanish the second I actually say them out loud.

Ever since I realized that, my fears evaporate so easily it actually scares me a little. 😬

Can I live without my fears?
Can you live without your time bomb?
It looks like, at the end of the day, I'm not driven or defined by fear, but by something else entirely.
What about you?

Problems aren't behind me—they're ahead, inside, outside, everywhere. But they aren't the only thing that makes up a life.

I've freed myself from the fear of my own self in that regard, but I hear you loud and clear. I've been there too.

The Short Version 🤦

EDIT: The answer is—I haven't healed, and I haven't just patched things up. From what? From myself? 🐔 Is that even possible?
Too much time has passed to rip out all the pieces of who I am just to replace them with some "ideal version" (you know, the socially acceptable one).

Peter Murphy6 said:I basically wrote a whole novel here, typical me. 🙄

Let me try to cut to the chase.

First off, being alone doesn't scare me.

Second, death and illness are extreme situations. You can't prep for those.
You can't prepare for every single thing life throws at you; you can only trust yourself to handle it when it happens.
Honestly, this is one of the first things on this forum I feel like I've really processed alongside someone else.

Third, losing a job? 🤣

(That's me, though—I totally get what you're saying)

Those aren't the things that trigger my time bomb.

Life hasn't exactly "started looking up"—if anything, this is the toughest era of my life. Before this, things felt "easy" because I was just oblivious.

Those periods were exactly like what you described. Everything was "great" right until the next crash.
That's why I can see the difference now. An "amazing period" is just an amazing period. Just like a bad period is just a bad period. What I'm talking about is the space above, below, or tucked between those two—inner peace.

I locked that time bomb in an airtight room, then I triggered it myself, and then did it again. I gave *myself* permission to let it go off, so I don't have to worry about anyone else pulling the pin on me.
It isn't a "time bomb" anymore. Now, it's just a bomb. And honestly? A little explosion here and there works for me.

An explosion while the timer is still ticking is way more dangerous, and yeah, that fear is justified. I used to play high stakes, and I could afford the risk.

Who knows what life has in store? No clue.
My fears about the future usually vanish the second I actually say them out loud.

Ever since I realized that, my fears evaporate so easily it actually scares me a little. 😬

Can I live without my fears?
Can you live without your time bomb?
It looks like, at the end of the day, I'm not driven or defined by fear, but by something else entirely.
What about you?

Problems aren't behind me—they're ahead, inside, outside, everywhere. But they aren't the only thing that makes up a life.

I've freed myself from the fear of my own self in that regard, but I hear you loud and clear. I've been there too.

The Short Version 🤦

EDIT: The answer is—I haven't healed, and I haven't just patched things up. From what? From myself? 🐔 Is that even possible?
Too much time has passed to rip out all the pieces of who I am just to replace them with some "ideal version" (you know, the socially acceptable one).

So maybe you did heal from the need to control everything—just let go... and started embracing how unpredictable life can be.
I bet that wasn't an easy road to walk... it’s tough to just throw yourself out there trusting that things will eventually work out.

For me, letting go would mean ditching everything I try to manage—stuff that's actually suffocating me, like my wife, my career, my investments. Basically, I’d be living this totally aimless life, riding motorcycles and getting caught up in shallow flings... In short, I'd basically be a total loser...
It doesn't sound like much of a life, which is why I don't live it. Instead, I'm stuck in a marriage with a woman who doesn't love me, fighting with my mom who really screwed me over, grinding at work just to feel like I've made it, and dreaming about all that—clinging to the illusion that any of it will bring actual happiness, even though I know deep down it won't...
So then I turn to things like tempered bombs and just self-destructing a little, just to prove to myself that some kid actually has worth, because otherwise... I don't really feel that way.
Lately, heartbreak is hitting me pretty hard so I'm feeling a bit wrecked, but regardless... going through a breakup is never easy...

Donna White50 said:So maybe you did heal from the need to control everything—just let go... and started embracing how unpredictable life can be.
I bet that wasn't an easy road to walk... it’s tough to just throw yourself out there trusting that things will eventually work out.

For me, letting go would mean ditching everything I try to manage—stuff that's actually suffocating me, like my wife, my career, my investments. Basically, I’d be living this totally aimless life, riding motorcycles and getting caught up in shallow flings... In short, I'd basically be a total loser...
It doesn't sound like much of a life, which is why I don't live it. Instead, I'm stuck in a marriage with a woman who doesn't love me, fighting with my mom who really screwed me over, grinding at work just to feel like I've made it, and dreaming about all that—clinging to the illusion that any of it will bring actual happiness, even though I know deep down it won't...
So then I turn to things like tempered bombs and just self-destructing a little, just to prove to myself that some kid actually has worth, because otherwise... I don't really feel that way.
Lately, heartbreak is hitting me pretty hard so I'm feeling a bit wrecked, but regardless... going through a breakup is never easy...

Where did you get this idea that you'd be a "loser"? Who decided that was the definition? Maybe that's just your own internal monologue right now, but did someone—a father figure, perhaps—criticize you that way? Did their voice become your own?
Why would you be a loser just for trying to build a new life for yourself? Where would you look for, or go to find, things that actually interest you? Even things that are actually joyful?
To give up on what's already mapped out would be the true failure, and that’s what haunts me. But I suspect that's just societal pressure talking. Out there, people don't judge nearly as harshly—neither themselves nor others.

boldnomad45 said:Where did you get this idea that you'd be a "loser"? Who decided that was the definition? Maybe that's just your own internal monologue right now, but did someone—a father figure, perhaps—criticize you that way? Did their voice become your own?
Why would you be a loser just for trying to build a new life for yourself? Where would you look for, or go to find, things that actually interest you? Even things that are actually joyful?
To give up on what's already mapped out would be the true failure, and that’s what haunts me. But I suspect that's just societal pressure talking. Out there, people don't judge nearly as harshly—neither themselves nor others.

My dad’s whole vibe was basically that I was never going to amount to anything. He truly believed that right up until the end. By his math, I shouldn't have even made it past middle school. He spent all this energy proving that marriage, kids, or anything else "adult" just wasn't in my cards. When I finally knocked out my degree, he acted like it was worthless, even though it was one of the toughest programs in the country. When I met my wife, he actually respected her for a bit because she was the type of person who would tell him straight to his face, but once she was gone, he'd go behind my back... saying she wasn't right for me, or making these gross comments about how she wasn't "classy" enough...
I feel like that curse follows me everywhere, deep down... and part of me, in some weirdly masochistic way, almost wants his prophecies to come true. My marriage is falling apart right now, which feels like proof he was right—that she wasn't the one, or maybe I was just desperately trying to prove him wrong the whole time. Now, I'm putting all this effort into saving what's left, mostly because I'm terrified of seeing the bright spots in my future. This necessary change feels gross, and it's depressing to see how messy life gets for divorced guys. I never wanted this; I always valued love, being a unit, having a family... But now I have to let that vision go, walk alone, and find some kind of purpose for myself—hopefully somewhere away from the losers hanging out at biker bars with toxic women who don't know the first thing about loving someone... It feels like those broken women are the only constant in my life—cold, distant, selfish...
Do people even know what love actually is anymore, or are they just looking for the idea of it?

Donna White50 said:My dad’s whole vibe was basically that I was never going to amount to anything. He truly believed that right up until the end. By his math, I shouldn't have even made it past middle school. He spent all this energy proving that marriage, kids, or anything else "adult" just wasn't in my cards. When I finally knocked out my degree, he acted like it was worthless, even though it was one of the toughest programs in the country. When I met my wife, he actually respected her for a bit because she was the type of person who would tell him straight to his face, but once she was gone, he'd go behind my back... saying she wasn't right for me, or making these gross comments about how she wasn't "classy" enough...
I feel like that curse follows me everywhere, deep down... and part of me, in some weirdly masochistic way, almost wants his prophecies to come true. My marriage is falling apart right now, which feels like proof he was right—that she wasn't the one, or maybe I was just desperately trying to prove him wrong the whole time. Now, I'm putting all this effort into saving what's left, mostly because I'm terrified of seeing the bright spots in my future. This necessary change feels gross, and it's depressing to see how messy life gets for divorced guys. I never wanted this; I always valued love, being a unit, having a family... But now I have to let that vision go, walk alone, and find some kind of purpose for myself—hopefully somewhere away from the losers hanging out at biker bars with toxic women who don't know the first thing about loving someone... It feels like those broken women are the only constant in my life—cold, distant, selfish...
Do people even know what love actually is anymore, or are they just looking for the idea of it?

Dear Donna White50, believe me, I had a breakthrough in therapy when I truly realized everything you're saying. I say these things to myself. It was my household's philosophy: impossibly high standards and a total lack of trust in anyone, including myself. That has become my internal monologue. I think these things about myself, and I fear that if I let my guard down, I'll end up a pauper under a bridge, driven to the brink. I show myself zero mercy. I never approach my own thoughts with compassion or understanding; there is only a judging voice telling me I am weak, unworthy, and that I must push harder. That I've failed at everything. My therapist found it painful just to listen to how I talk to myself. It's like those Marine Corps drill instructors—zero warmth, zero empathy, zero kindness. And I was still holding back. It's worse than that. The problem is that my father's bitterness has become my own way of thinking. That's why I have no mercy for myself. That's why we choose people who lack mercy, because that's how we view ourselves. We believe we need more, more intense, more driven, because we think we are weak and inadequate. Even though we work like horses, constantly pushing, faster and harder. Weakness in others irritates me because that judgmental impulse is my inheritance. I don't want to preach; I just want to find that place within myself where I can treat myself with warmth and compassion. With forgiveness and acceptance. The world won't stop spinning if I mess up. If I allow myself to believe I am a good person, that I can relax and be vulnerable sometimes without ending up destitute.

boldnomad45 said:Dear Donna White50, believe me, I had a breakthrough in therapy when I truly realized everything you're saying. I say these things to myself. It was my household's philosophy: impossibly high standards and a total lack of trust in anyone, including myself. That has become my internal monologue. I think these things about myself, and I fear that if I let my guard down, I'll end up a pauper under a bridge, driven to the brink. I show myself zero mercy. I never approach my own thoughts with compassion or understanding; there is only a judging voice telling me I am weak, unworthy, and that I must push harder. That I've failed at everything. My therapist found it painful just to listen to how I talk to myself. It's like those Marine Corps drill instructors—zero warmth, zero empathy, zero kindness. And I was still holding back. It's worse than that. The problem is that my father's bitterness has become my own way of thinking. That's why I have no mercy for myself. That's why we choose people who lack mercy, because that's how we view ourselves. We believe we need more, more intense, more driven, because we think we are weak and inadequate. Even though we work like horses, constantly pushing, faster and harder. Weakness in others irritates me because that judgmental impulse is my inheritance. I don't want to preach; I just want to find that place within myself where I can treat myself with warmth and compassion. With forgiveness and acceptance. The world won't stop spinning if I mess up. If I allow myself to believe I am a good person, that I can relax and be vulnerable sometimes without ending up destitute.

I guess we just don't know any other way. When you look at your life, you see yourself as this guy tilting at windmills, fighting against himself, thinking he's worth absolutely nothing and doesn't deserve to be happy... Because apparently, being happy and satisfied with yourself is something you have to earn after finishing some crazy advanced degree, landing an insane corporate job, and stacking up a mountain of cash. But the reality is the goalposts just keep moving every time you succeed, so happiness stays just as far away... except the hole inside you just gets deeper with every step because despite everything you've achieved, you still haven't found it..

My wife helped close that gap a little during our first few years together; I felt accepted, like I could actually be vulnerable sometimes... But then the psychological bombardment from my parents started hitting just as hard as it did growing up, just wrapped in fancier packaging...
I honestly don't know what my life would look like if I weren't the way I am, but I really don't know... Maybe it's true that I feel like my life isn't worth anything unless I'm being hard on myself. I don't know how to just enjoy being me, my natural self—since my partner was never that high-strung woman, she was always more playful and a bit elusive, because, well, there were no challenges back then... So what am I supposed to do now? Enjoy something that never even caught my attention? How...
It all sounds great on paper—our traumas, the causes behind our specific behaviors, the "recipe" for self-acceptance—but damn it, I don't actually *want* it. It sounds boring, and I don't feel like it would make me happy. I wish it did, but it doesn't... From a masochist's perspective, loving yourself feels incredibly boring and, frankly, pretty uncomfortable...

Donna White50 said:So maybe you did heal from the need to control everything—just let go... and started embracing how unpredictable life can be.
I bet that wasn't an easy road to walk... it’s tough to just throw yourself out there trusting that things will eventually work out.

For me, letting go would mean ditching everything I try to manage—stuff that's actually suffocating me, like my wife, my career, my investments. Basically, I’d be living this totally aimless life, riding motorcycles and getting caught up in shallow flings... In short, I'd basically be a total loser...
It doesn't sound like much of a life, which is why I don't live it. Instead, I'm stuck in a marriage with a woman who doesn't love me, fighting with my mom who really screwed me over, grinding at work just to feel like I've made it, and dreaming about all that—clinging to the illusion that any of it will bring actual happiness, even though I know deep down it won't...
So then I turn to things like tempered bombs and just self-destructing a little, just to prove to myself that some kid actually has worth, because otherwise... I don't really feel that way.
Lately, heartbreak is hitting me pretty hard so I'm feeling a bit wrecked, but regardless... going through a breakup is never easy...

Are we really talking about a "slacker life," or is it more about what that lifestyle represents to you?
Did you settle down with a wife or build a career because you actually wanted them, or because of what they symbolize? Who are you trying to prove something to? If you "fail," who are you actually disappointing?

People tend to surround themselves with status symbols to satisfy their cravings, but when they realize those symbols don't actually fulfill them, everything starts feeling pointless.

The "slacker life" doesn't appeal to me at all—I found my freedom somewhere else, deep inside. I used to crave that kind of reckless living back when I was constantly rebelling against my parents, but after that, I swung wildly toward the opposite extreme, again just to push back against them.
Where was "me" in all that?
Where are *you* in all this?
What are you using to validate yourself?

Real success is conquering yourself—so, have you been conquering yourself, or just the ideas your parents had for you?

I didn't "cure" myself of control; I just realized what I can actually handle and what's completely out of my hands. I was basically forced to accept life's uncertainty—it's the only constant I've got.

I just ran out of energy to be afraid.

Either I land on my feet or I don't; honestly, I don't care, there's no middle ground. Besides, I'd rather "die" staying stagnant than just shake it off and move on.

A little blood never hurt anyone—I'm used to it—and the scars are just there to tell the story.
Most people I know (trying to be politically correct here so I don't sound arrogant 🤣 ) find that whatever they grab onto turns out surprisingly well, so I think I'm just waiting for the moment I truly let go and hit the ground. But that won't happen unless I actually "dive in."
I'm looking for failure.

Why are you still fighting with your mother?

Peter Murphy6 said:Are we really talking about a "slacker life," or is it more about what that lifestyle represents to you?
Did you settle down with a wife or build a career because you actually wanted them, or because of what they symbolize? Who are you trying to prove something to? If you "fail," who are you actually disappointing?

People tend to surround themselves with status symbols to satisfy their cravings, but when they realize those symbols don't actually fulfill them, everything starts feeling pointless.

The "slacker life" doesn't appeal to me at all—I found my freedom somewhere else, deep inside. I used to crave that kind of reckless living back when I was constantly rebelling against my parents, but after that, I swung wildly toward the opposite extreme, again just to push back against them.
Where was "me" in all that?
Where are *you* in all this?
What are you using to validate yourself?

Real success is conquering yourself—so, have you been conquering yourself, or just the ideas your parents had for you?

I didn't "cure" myself of control; I just realized what I can actually handle and what's completely out of my hands. I was basically forced to accept life's uncertainty—it's the only constant I've got.

I just ran out of energy to be afraid.

Either I land on my feet or I don't; honestly, I don't care, there's no middle ground. Besides, I'd rather "die" staying stagnant than just shake it off and move on.

A little blood never hurt anyone—I'm used to it—and the scars are just there to tell the story.
Most people I know (trying to be politically correct here so I don't sound arrogant 🤣 ) find that whatever they grab onto turns out surprisingly well, so I think I'm just waiting for the moment I truly let go and hit the ground. But that won't happen unless I actually "dive in."
I'm looking for failure.

Why are you still fighting with your mother?

I'm not arguing with my mom; I just cut ties with her indefinitely...
Also, looking at it from where I stand now regarding fears, I've conquered a sea of them. There was a time I couldn't even leave the house, but today I walk the streets freely and hold my own with anyone. My emotional side is a bit messy, and I have this drive to fight for myself—I don't know why, maybe because I feel like I don't deserve to be first, so I let others take the best parts and I'll just settle for whatever's left. But damn, the best cuts go first, leaving me with nothing but scraps...
Maybe the fear is just about massive change. I hate change. I hate it when my life gets flipped upside down—it makes me feel helpless, like I'm losing control, knowing I can never go back to how things were...
I'd rather die than just shrug my shoulders and stay put. The old ways satisfy me, even with tiny improvements.

Donna White50 said:I'm not arguing with my mom; I just cut ties with her indefinitely...
Also, looking at it from where I stand now regarding fears, I've conquered a sea of them. There was a time I couldn't even leave the house, but today I walk the streets freely and hold my own with anyone. My emotional side is a bit messy, and I have this drive to fight for myself—I don't know why, maybe because I feel like I don't deserve to be first, so I let others take the best parts and I'll just settle for whatever's left. But damn, the best cuts go first, leaving me with nothing but scraps...
Maybe the fear is just about massive change. I hate change. I hate it when my life gets flipped upside down—it makes me feel helpless, like I'm losing control, knowing I can never go back to how things were...
I'd rather die than just shrug my shoulders and stay put. The old ways satisfy me, even with tiny improvements.

See? Things aren't actually that bad after all.
You stood up for yourself—totally naturally—without any issues at all.

Do you think you shouldn't be afraid of change?

Personally, I’m "only" not afraid because, like I said, I'm used to sudden and sometimes pretty drastic shifts.
You just lean into that sense of habit, and honestly, the thought just becomes "who gives a f*ck anymore."

I brought up your mom because you mentioned living a life of constant fighting with a mother who screwed you over. (Which, hey, just makes things harder for you—you're holding yourself back and shifting the blame onto her.)
I really hope that move you made brought you some kind of peace.

I think I get what's holding you back—it's the hurdles.
Be there for yourself, not in relation to anyone else. You're competing with yourself and your own limits, not comparing yourself to other people.
Given your own situation and what you're capable of, are you (right now) at an objectively satisfying level of winning against your own demons?

And that whole idea of "shaking it off"... that's a pretty subjective thing...

Peter Murphy6 said:See? Things aren't actually that bad after all.
You stood up for yourself—totally naturally—without any issues at all.

Do you think you shouldn't be afraid of change?

Personally, I’m "only" not afraid because, like I said, I'm used to sudden and sometimes pretty drastic shifts.
You just lean into that sense of habit, and honestly, the thought just becomes "who gives a f*ck anymore."

I brought up your mom because you mentioned living a life of constant fighting with a mother who screwed you over. (Which, hey, just makes things harder for you—you're holding yourself back and shifting the blame onto her.)
I really hope that move you made brought you some kind of peace.

I think I get what's holding you back—it's the hurdles.
Be there for yourself, not in relation to anyone else. You're competing with yourself and your own limits, not comparing yourself to other people.
Given your own situation and what you're capable of, are you (right now) at an objectively satisfying level of winning against your own demons?

And that whole idea of "shaking it off"... that's a pretty subjective thing...

For me, this change is huge.
I’m losing the woman I love, and man, emotionally that's a heavy hit... it hurts, and it’s gonna take a long, long time to heal.
Plus, my whole life is getting flipped upside down—moving, hunting for a new apartment, finding babysitters, figuring out childcare when the kid is with me, probably switching jobs too... not to mention dealing with everyone's judgment over the whole situation.

I don't care much about what others think, though. I "beat" that part of myself a long time ago by realizing nobody is better or worse than anyone else—everyone has their wins and their losses.

But myself? Not so much... because seeing my family fall apart feels like a personal failure, maybe even the biggest one yet. My faith is the only thing keeping me upright, helping me stay strong, keep loving, and stay humble—I'm not asking for much.
I don't know, I keep getting this weird mix of relief and sadness, but I can't really let either feeling out...

Cutting ties with my mom makes me feel fake-proud... I still feel guilty, like I'm just being a jerk and a bad son.

Donna White50 said:For me, this change is huge.
I’m losing the woman I love, and man, emotionally that's a heavy hit... it hurts, and it’s gonna take a long, long time to heal.
Plus, my whole life is getting flipped upside down—moving, hunting for a new apartment, finding babysitters, figuring out childcare when the kid is with me, probably switching jobs too... not to mention dealing with everyone's judgment over the whole situation.

I don't care much about what others think, though. I "beat" that part of myself a long time ago by realizing nobody is better or worse than anyone else—everyone has their wins and their losses.

But myself? Not so much... because seeing my family fall apart feels like a personal failure, maybe even the biggest one yet. My faith is the only thing keeping me upright, helping me stay strong, keep loving, and stay humble—I'm not asking for much.
I don't know, I keep getting this weird mix of relief and sadness, but I can't really let either feeling out...

Cutting ties with my mom makes me feel fake-proud... I still feel guilty, like I'm just being a jerk and a bad son.

Are you certain you love her? It seems to me that your relationships, with anyone, are just sources of stress. So much has happened, and you aren't stupid; it always ends up the same way in relationships where two strong personalities clash—this constant struggle for power over who is dominant and who is submissive. The only successful relationships seem to be those where one person submits. I can't play the submissive role anymore; I spent my whole life doing it out of fear, but it isn't in my nature. Looking back, I think I chose dominant partners for that very reason. It irritates me deeply, and I can't stand it. Now I have to live with it. But whatever, I'm here to process it, understand it, and move through it. It feels like the same pattern might be happening with you.

boldnomad45 said:Are you certain you love her? It seems to me that your relationships, with anyone, are just sources of stress. So much has happened, and you aren't stupid; it always ends up the same way in relationships where two strong personalities clash—this constant struggle for power over who is dominant and who is submissive. The only successful relationships seem to be those where one person submits. I can't play the submissive role anymore; I spent my whole life doing it out of fear, but it isn't in my nature. Looking back, I think I chose dominant partners for that very reason. It irritates me deeply, and I can't stand it. Now I have to live with it. But whatever, I'm here to process it, understand it, and move through it. It feels like the same pattern might be happening with you.

IMHO, wherever there's a power struggle, love isn't present. A relationship built like that is founded on fear—fear of standing up for oneself, fear of abandonment, or fear of taking responsibility, depending on the person. You can't compete for dominance with someone and love them at the same time. It's the same logic: you can't truly love someone you view as inferior (unless they're a pet), nor can you love someone you've completely idealized—in those cases, your affection is directed toward a projection rather than the actual person. This whole dominance and submission thing is a sexual fetish (which some people enjoy and others don't), but it shouldn't be how a relationship functions 24/7. A healthy relationship should be about mutual respect and compatibility—valuing our differences. Like, you're stronger in one area, I'm stronger in another; we aren't competing, we're complementing each other, and those differences make life interesting. For me, nothing is more fascinating than learning how another person thinks, how they see the world, what they love, and what they hate... that is the foundation of love, attraction, and everything else. I've had people misinterpret my outlook as being either too dominant or too submissive, and as soon as someone tries to pigeonhole me into those categories, I feel like it's time to bail. If I'm putting in all this effort to really get to know you, and you haven't managed to grasp the basics of who I am by then... well, there's really nothing left for us to find together.

Joseph Bailey41 said:IMHO, wherever there's a power struggle, love isn't present. A relationship built like that is founded on fear—fear of standing up for oneself, fear of abandonment, or fear of taking responsibility, depending on the person. You can't compete for dominance with someone and love them at the same time. It's the same logic: you can't truly love someone you view as inferior (unless they're a pet), nor can you love someone you've completely idealized—in those cases, your affection is directed toward a projection rather than the actual person. This whole dominance and submission thing is a sexual fetish (which some people enjoy and others don't), but it shouldn't be how a relationship functions 24/7. A healthy relationship should be about mutual respect and compatibility—valuing our differences. Like, you're stronger in one area, I'm stronger in another; we aren't competing, we're complementing each other, and those differences make life interesting. For me, nothing is more fascinating than learning how another person thinks, how they see the world, what they love, and what they hate... that is the foundation of love, attraction, and everything else. I've had people misinterpret my outlook as being either too dominant or too submissive, and as soon as someone tries to pigeonhole me into those categories, I feel like it's time to bail. If I'm putting in all this effort to really get to know you, and you haven't managed to grasp the basics of who I am by then... well, there's really nothing left for us to find together.

True, it should. But naturally, one person usually ends up being slightly more dominant. Some people aren't born leaders and they're fine with that. But if both want to lead, it gets difficult. Generally speaking, long-term relationships are incredibly tough. Most of what we learn about ourselves comes from those struggles. It's complicated; some things always stay hidden.

boldnomad45 said:Are you certain you love her? It seems to me that your relationships, with anyone, are just sources of stress. So much has happened, and you aren't stupid; it always ends up the same way in relationships where two strong personalities clash—this constant struggle for power over who is dominant and who is submissive. The only successful relationships seem to be those where one person submits. I can't play the submissive role anymore; I spent my whole life doing it out of fear, but it isn't in my nature. Looking back, I think I chose dominant partners for that very reason. It irritates me deeply, and I can't stand it. Now I have to live with it. But whatever, I'm here to process it, understand it, and move through it. It feels like the same pattern might be happening with you.

Nah, when two strong egos go head-to-head like that, it burns through love so fast. It turns everything into a competition—either fighting over who’s right or slipping into aggression and manipulation, which has nothing to do with actual love.

Real love is pretty clearly about togetherness, intimacy, respect, tolerance, and genuinely caring about your partner's happiness. Anything outside of that is just games people play to protect their own egos...

I still love her and she's definitely attractive, but she has absolutely worn me down. Right now, I'm just pissed off and hurt. We really should have called it quits a few years ago; back then, she already knew this wasn't what she wanted long-term—marriage, engagement, kids, the whole nine yards. I had a feeling, but I played dumb because it was hard to face the reality. Of course, I never pressured her into anything. She probably felt like she had something to prove, maybe hoping the feelings for me would just magically come back, but she’s not exactly the soft, emotional type. She's more of a "tough guy" personality—thinks romance is for fools or whatever... and I spent all this time trying to find the feminine side of her, but it was a lost cause. Now she's telling me that if we break up, there's zero chance of ever being together again—just occasional hookups and nothing else.

That said, some level of dominance is necessary in a relationship. I mean, think about it—you don't want a guy who's totally passive and boring in bed, right? No woman wants that long-term. We all have these biological or learned roles we lean into, and that gender identity matters. In a healthy dynamic, the man takes a positive kind of lead while the woman expresses her femininity. If it’s flipped—like if she’s acting like the man and he’s acting like the girl—it just isn't going to work properly, is it?
So yeah, dominance is fine, just not in the sense of two egos constantly pulling against each other in a fight to see who wins...

The absolute hardest part is when, driven by pure fear, you find yourself telling someone else that it’s probably best if you just stop seeing each other altogether. It happens because you start feeling like you're nothing more than a heavy burden to them.

It’s those manipulative, ultimatum-style behaviors that creep in—not because anyone intends to be cruel, mind you, but more as a byproduct of deep-seated pain and a sense of nihilism that just feels impossible to keep under control.

Ultimately, what matters most is how much awareness you bring to your own lack of emotional flexibility. Because it isn't just about the other person; you start convincing yourself that you don't deserve anything good simply because you have a short fuse, or perhaps because you struggle to tolerate the inevitable friction and discomfort that exists in every single relationship. When those heavy emotions hit us, our instinct is often just to push everything away so we can make the feeling stop.

I get where you're coming from—honestly, I deal with clients facing this exact issue all the time. For me, though, it’s personal. I had this incredibly stupid situation back in the day where I actually got separated from my dad at a massive airport. After years of dealing with that trauma, my reaction to being left behind can be intense—like, paralyzing fear levels—but as I've gotten older, I've learned how to pull myself together when the memory pops up. You have to be patient with yourself during this kind of work, and it really helps to have capable people in your corner who can help guide the healing process.

Donna White50 said:I just can't afford to fall apart. And the truth is, I fall apart the second I scratch beneath the surface. And that breakdown looks like this: right now, I'm functional—I handle my life, my job, my kid, my family, I put in the overtime if the job needs it... but the moment I start poking at my emotions, or a bad memory, or even just thinking about them for a second, I turn into a completely different person. I literally crumble. I can't get out of bed, I can't work, I can't take care of my child, my focus goes to zero, I feel empty and drained of any energy, and then the nightmares, the anxiety, and the pure dread kick in...
At 38, with everything going on in my life—especially now with my little one needing me, and after losing my dad without even fully processing it, and with my marriage hitting serious rough patches—I simply cannot allow myself to break down. I can't just say, "whatever, let the emotions and the traumas I've suppressed for 30 years wash over me" and hope the flood clears everything out...
I'd probably end up on heavy meds and stuck in a psych ward...
Right now, I’m basically just operating like a robot—zero emotion, either that or I just completely fall apart. My emotional tank is totally empty... I’m trying so hard not to feel anything at all, which means I’m burying even the good stuff deep down, not just the bad...
The only thing keeping me going is my own brain, honestly. Being smart enough to recognize when things are going south helps, and then I use whatever techniques I can find to chill out and channel the anxiety—it's basically just firefighting at this point...

I know deep down that one day I’m gonna snap like a dry twig and never quite pull myself back together. But what am I supposed to do? Lose my job? Spend years on heavy-duty antidepressants just trying to piece together all these different versions of myself while my kid watches me struggle like this? No way... I just can't...

I was exactly the same way about ten years ago. I couldn't even let my mind drift toward those old childhood traumas or the stuff from my early twenties without immediately spiraling. It was always the same pattern—one minute I'm fine, and the next, I'm drowning in this heavy mix of deep depression and paralyzing anxiety. Just total darkness.
Luckily, I finally figured out how to get the upper hand on it. I had to step back and look at the whole mess objectively—sort of like stepping outside my own skin to view my life from a distance. I forced myself to stare those deepest anxieties and fears right in the face, instead of just running from them. their own I don't know. Maybe it’s just how things go. People always want to point fingers at specific causes, looking for some grand design or a single reason why everything falls apart, but honestly? Most of the time, it's just a mess of coincidences and bad timing. I've spent enough years watching systems crumble to know there isn't always a smoking gun. Sometimes, you just wake up and the world is different, and no amount of digging is going to give you a clean answer that makes sense. It's just one thing after another.I don't care how much pain I was in. I was falling apart inside, honestly, but you couldn't tell. It didn't leak into anything else—not my job, not my social life, nothing. For as long as I spent processing it all and trying to make sense of the mess, I just tried to stay detached. I practiced this weird mental trick where I’d pretend the whole thing was happening to someone else, watching it play out like a spectator. In my head, I’d convince myself that whatever I was going through was actually happening to some stranger out there, usually in an even more brutal way. Just a way to keep my distance. If all those other people managed to weather the storm and stay on their feet, why on earth shouldn't I? 😛
When I’m trying to work through my own fears or deal with some heavy grief, I tend to lean into the darker stuff. It sounds weird to some people, but watching horror movies, blasting death and black metal, or even just reading about true crime and grisly massacres actually helps me process things. I find that leaning into the dark side of the coin—really confronting that grim reality—is what actually helps me get through.
I’ve always been drawn to this kind of thing. Back then—and honestly, even now—it was how I worked through a lot of my old traumas. Things that used to feel like absolute nightmares, the kind of stuff that kept you up tossing and turning. But now? After finally facing them head-on—even if it was just in a virtual sense—everything feels different. true mrakHonestly, all I can say is that they’ve devolved into these totally meaningless little episodes of shallow despair and misery. It's the kind of stuff that's easier to forget than the weight of this laptop sitting on my lap while I type this out.
That’s just how I see it, anyway. Most people lose their minds the second they spot a few drops of blood or hear some old-timer's ghost story about a poltergeist haunting their great-aunt's house back in the late 1800s. Honestly, if they don't want trouble, they shouldn't go messing around with the darkness like that.
Look, facing things head-on isn't about running away—it's actually the exact opposite. facing up to it In every sense of the word—with those demons we all carry around inside us like baggage—it helps. It really does. You just have to find the guts to actually look at things objectively, step outside your own head for a second, and just laugh right in their faces. 😎

It just feels right to embrace what’s natural, you know? It's about giving things a fair shot {instead of just breaking them}

Carl Rivera43 said:It just feels right to embrace what’s natural, you know? It's about giving things a fair shot {instead of just breaking them}

Well, it’s also perfectly natural to crush an enemy. Every now and then...