I feel like a coward. I've lost my backbone. :(

I hope I’ve posted this in the right section; let me know if I need to move it.

Basically, I’m 19, and my main issue is a genuine fear of physical confrontation. I just can't bring myself to stand up to anyone. It's always been this way—I was a peaceful kid from the start, and that isn't the problem. The problem is that I've been a victim of continuous bullying for two and a half years now.

It all started back in late 2015/early 2016, and it hasn't stopped since. It's been a traumatic, horrible stretch of time, and everything has gone downhill because it feels like everyone is either trying to push me around or messing with my head. Since early 2016, this one guy and his group of friends have been harassing me daily. It's been two and a half years of this, and I haven't had the guts to do anything about it because I don't know how to fight, nor do I ever want to. Secondly, I lack the courage to take a stand or confront an aggressor. I've always been the type to stay quiet and just take the crap rather than speaking my mind and demanding respect. Third, whenever I face these guys or get into any kind of heated argument, I just freeze. I get so overwhelmed by fear that my mind goes blank and I start stuttering. I end up acting like a complete coward, and it eats at me. It makes me feel less masculine and undignified because I can never shut down a provocation.

Because this has been going on since 2016, the issue persists. I run into these bullies almost every day since I live in a small town, so avoiding them is impossible—especially in the summer when everyone is out and about. Every single time, I freeze up and react like a coward. I'm looking for any way to solve this.

Over these last two and a half years, I've thought about this constantly, and it's turned into serious anxiety, which has caused other issues for me.

Because of this, I've never had a girlfriend. It feels like girls are only attracted to those "tough guys," and I feel like I'm not man enough. I constantly imagine walking through town with a girl and someone starts messing with her, and I'd just stand there like a loser, unable to do anything because I can't fight and I can't stand my ground. That would be the ultimate embarrassment.

I simply don't have that fighting instinct in me, and that's the core of the problem.

I don't know how to fight, I'm afraid to stand up for myself, and I can't handle provocations. I've even been slapped a few times, which is incredibly humiliating.

I've thought about talking to my parents or reporting this to the local police, but I hesitate because I don't want to look like an even bigger wimp or a snitch.

Does anyone have any advice?

How can I develop that fighting instinct? How can I find the nerve to respond to provocations, whether they are verbal or physical?

Any advice at all would be appreciated and helpful.

Drink some caffeine... Start hitting the gym, sign up for some martial arts classes, grab a drink now and then, switch up your whole look—maybe get a leather jacket. Watch plenty of action movies...
I know, sounds easier said than done. Believe me, I used to be just like you. I actually made those changes, but my pride would never let me back down from a fight, even when I was clearly outmatched by someone much bigger...

Here’s one more tip: find a way to get some petty payback behind their backs. Scratch their car in the middle of the night, snap off a side mirror, or maybe just set off some fireworks near their house.
That’ll give you a little boost of confidence too.
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S8 using Reddit

Angela White2 said:I hope I’ve posted this in the right section; let me know if I need to move it.

Basically, I’m 19, and my main issue is a genuine fear of physical confrontation. I just can't bring myself to stand up to anyone. It's always been this way—I was a peaceful kid from the start, and that isn't the problem. The problem is that I've been a victim of continuous bullying for two and a half years now.

It all started back in late 2015/early 2016, and it hasn't stopped since. It's been a traumatic, horrible stretch of time, and everything has gone downhill because it feels like everyone is either trying to push me around or messing with my head. Since early 2016, this one guy and his group of friends have been harassing me daily. It's been two and a half years of this, and I haven't had the guts to do anything about it because I don't know how to fight, nor do I ever want to. Secondly, I lack the courage to take a stand or confront an aggressor. I've always been the type to stay quiet and just take the crap rather than speaking my mind and demanding respect. Third, whenever I face these guys or get into any kind of heated argument, I just freeze. I get so overwhelmed by fear that my mind goes blank and I start stuttering. I end up acting like a complete coward, and it eats at me. It makes me feel less masculine and undignified because I can never shut down a provocation.

Because this has been going on since 2016, the issue persists. I run into these bullies almost every day since I live in a small town, so avoiding them is impossible—especially in the summer when everyone is out and about. Every single time, I freeze up and react like a coward. I'm looking for any way to solve this.

Over these last two and a half years, I've thought about this constantly, and it's turned into serious anxiety, which has caused other issues for me.

Because of this, I've never had a girlfriend. It feels like girls are only attracted to those "tough guys," and I feel like I'm not man enough. I constantly imagine walking through town with a girl and someone starts messing with her, and I'd just stand there like a loser, unable to do anything because I can't fight and I can't stand my ground. That would be the ultimate embarrassment.

I simply don't have that fighting instinct in me, and that's the core of the problem.

I don't know how to fight, I'm afraid to stand up for myself, and I can't handle provocations. I've even been slapped a few times, which is incredibly humiliating.

I've thought about talking to my parents or reporting this to the local police, but I hesitate because I don't want to look like an even bigger wimp or a snitch.

Does anyone have any advice?

How can I develop that fighting instinct? How can I find the nerve to respond to provocations, whether they are verbal or physical?

Any advice at all would be appreciated and helpful.

Look, we all have that survival instinct buried somewhere inside us—it’s just that you’ve spent your whole life training yourself to suppress it, no matter how much someone treats you like a punching bag... You really need to break that cycle, though. I know it feels impossible because you're stuck in these old habits and you're convinced nothing's going to change, but honestly? You just need to snap out of it. Go grab a heavy bag for your garage or something and just imagine you're actually breaking bones... find that inner rage and just let it rip. Once you finally decide to stand your ground, you’ll realize it actually feels pretty damn good—and trust me, nothing bad is gonna happen. In fact, people will actually start giving you their space once they see you aren't a pushover. Learn how to say "no" and just lose your cool when it's necessary... You can see for yourself how much it's cost you to run away from being assertive...

Ever had one of those aggressive types in your family—you know, someone who just loses it—that makes you low-key terrified of ever showing any aggression yourself?

Adam Morris4 said:Drink some caffeine... Start hitting the gym, sign up for some martial arts classes, grab a drink now and then, switch up your whole look—maybe get a leather jacket. Watch plenty of action movies...
I know, sounds easier said than done. Believe me, I used to be just like you. I actually made those changes, but my pride would never let me back down from a fight, even when I was clearly outmatched by someone much bigger...

Here’s one more tip: find a way to get some petty payback behind their backs. Scratch their car in the middle of the night, snap off a side mirror, or maybe just set off some fireworks near their house.
That’ll give you a little boost of confidence too.
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S8 using Reddit

I'm not so sure about that revenge idea; it would just make things worse and escalate the whole situation. They'd figure out who did it.

I'm not really into martial arts, and that's the issue. As long as I can remember, I haven't liked fighting or brawling. I never learned self-defense or how to take a stance and respond to a provocation, and that has cost me dearly.

Donna White50 said:Look, we all have that survival instinct buried somewhere inside us—it’s just that you’ve spent your whole life training yourself to suppress it, no matter how much someone treats you like a punching bag... You really need to break that cycle, though. I know it feels impossible because you're stuck in these old habits and you're convinced nothing's going to change, but honestly? You just need to snap out of it. Go grab a heavy bag for your garage or something and just imagine you're actually breaking bones... find that inner rage and just let it rip. Once you finally decide to stand your ground, you’ll realize it actually feels pretty damn good—and trust me, nothing bad is gonna happen. In fact, people will actually start giving you their space once they see you aren't a pushover. Learn how to say "no" and just lose your cool when it's necessary... You can see for yourself how much it's cost you to run away from being assertive...

Ever had one of those aggressive types in your family—you know, someone who just loses it—that makes you low-key terrified of ever showing any aggression yourself?

I visualize it and plan exactly how I'll say "no" when I run into them. I even convince myself I'll actually do it. But then, when they're right in front of me, panic sets in, I freeze up, and all my plans to stand my ground just fall apart.😢

No one in my family, on either my mom's or dad's side, is aggressive. We are all naturally passive and calm; it’s probably just genetics.😢

It seems like the drive to fight and the courage aren't in my blood. I realized that back in the first grade when I refused to fight and just avoided everything out of fear.

Good grief, what kind of advice is this? Caffeine, leather jackets, martial arts, watching movies, hitting a punching bag and trying to channel aggression... 🤦

Look, you shouldn't be telling the kid to take up martial arts just so he can scrap on the street—because, first off, you actually have to be trained for that. We're talking at least six months or even a year of solid work before you could even think about applying those skills in a real situation.

And there’s the other thing—the OP mentioned he has friends who are part of a group, and they outnumber him. In a situation like that, no amount of skill is going to help much, and honestly, watching Bruce Lee or Steven Seagal movies isn't going to do anything either.

Plus, the guy specifically said he’s not into martial arts and doesn't like them. Like he mentioned, he's known since he was little that fighting just isn't his thing, so you're all just giving him useless advice.

All that stuff about training and standing your ground sounds great in theory, but if they outnumber him, well... even if he were some kind of master, someone could just pull a knife, a club, or a gun. What then? What's the plan after that? 😵

Is it really worth risking everything for something like that? Is it worth it just for pride? 😵

People acting like bullies eventually run into someone who can actually handle them and end up in the hospital.

As for you, OP—I’d suggest reporting this to the police and talking it over with your parents. Maybe you'll feel like you're being a "wimp" and your pride might take a hit, but I’d much rather deal with a bruised ego than a fractured skull.

Also, try using your head and see if you can resolve this through diplomacy. That usually works most of the time, especially with bullies, because—let's face it—they aren't exactly the brightest bulbs in the box, so it should hopefully work.

Angela White2 said:I'm not so sure about that revenge idea; it would just make things worse and escalate the whole situation. They'd figure out who did it.

I'm not really into martial arts, and that's the issue. As long as I can remember, I haven't liked fighting or brawling. I never learned self-defense or how to take a stance and respond to a provocation, and that has cost me dearly.

I visualize it and plan exactly how I'll say "no" when I run into them. I even convince myself I'll actually do it. But then, when they're right in front of me, panic sets in, I freeze up, and all my plans to stand my ground just fall apart.😢

No one in my family, on either my mom's or dad's side, is aggressive. We are all naturally passive and calm; it’s probably just genetics.😢

It seems like the drive to fight and the courage aren't in my blood. I realized that back in the first grade when I refused to fight and just avoided everything out of fear.

What were you afraid of, specifically? What is it that triggers that feeling of aggression in you?
Look, you don't necessarily have to get physical. You're not a kid anymore, so trying to muscle your way through things isn't really smart. But standing your ground verbally and showing people you're not someone to mess with? That's totally normal and actually pretty important.
You're a man—you can't exactly have a girl step in to defend you when someone starts messing with you, and honestly, girls these days will just tell someone to get lost and call the cops, which leaves you in a tough spot if you aren't ready for it.

They say you attract what you fear. It’s actually pretty visible if you look at how people drive. In 99% of accidents on the highway, drivers end up veering off into a ditch or hitting a guardrail because they panic. Compare that to watching Formula 1—those pro drivers are trained to master their fear and handle the wheel with precision, steering the car toward the runoff area to avoid a crash. Meanwhile, the average driver stares directly at the danger, and lo and behold, that’s exactly where the car ends up.

For you, this means that by letting fear take the driver's seat, you're essentially inviting every possible crisis into your life. You start interpreting everything—even things that aren't actually problems—as some kind of massive catastrophe.

Fear is a primal emotion, but honestly, most of the time, it isn't even grounded in reality. Most people experience a level of terror that far outweighs the actual physical danger present. The trick is that you have to face it regardless of how intense it feels; there are certain responsibilities you just have to fulfill. Now, I don't mean you need to go out and pick a fight with someone, but you do have to confront the feeling. Even an aggressor acts out because of their own deep-seated fears. Usually, the only way to stop violence is through social consequences and legal channels. For instance, you won't see any American sports fans traveling over to Russia and throwing flares in the stands.

You don't need some sort of "warrior instinct" to get through this. What you really need is patience and steady practice in your day-to-day life, moving forward regardless of the anxiety. A huge part of managing anxiety disorders comes down to simply facing those fears head-on.

Donna White50 said:What were you afraid of, specifically? What is it that triggers that feeling of aggression in you?
Look, you don't necessarily have to get physical. You're not a kid anymore, so trying to muscle your way through things isn't really smart. But standing your ground verbally and showing people you're not someone to mess with? That's totally normal and actually pretty important.
You're a man—you can't exactly have a girl step in to defend you when someone starts messing with you, and honestly, girls these days will just tell someone to get lost and call the cops, which leaves you in a tough spot if you aren't ready for it.

Why do we still deal with these pool-side impulses? 🤦

Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of women are actually attracted to those aggressive types or fighters, which is just sad—not to mention how many of them will intentionally act all tough while their guy is trying to de-escalate things, only for him to end up taking a beating through no fault of his own because of her behavior.

I honestly think you should tell a woman right from the start that you aren't going to jump into some pointless drama to protect her "honor" over some silly conflict, and you really have to make that clear upfront.

There was this one woman I actually liked, but she told me straight up that she loves those fighters and thinks guys who know how to scrap are great. I don't even have to tell you that my opinion of her changed instantly.

So many of these fights happen because of women, unfortunately, and it's even worse when they're the ones pushing for their guy to fight, acting like it's totally normal—all while completely ignoring how dangerous it actually is, and then they turn around and judge him for being "less manly" if he doesn't.

As for the OP, who thinks women are actually into those fighters... I’d just say stay far, far away from them.

Courage isn't something that just hits you overnight. It’s built slowly, piece by piece, through whatever life throws at you and how you survive it.

Unfortunately, I don't have much more advice than that.

What you're feeling isn't just fear; it's actually your "fight or flight" mechanism kicking in, basically prepping your body for a brawl.

If you want a psychological edge, try being hungry—literally. Go 16 to 24 hours without eating and then walk down the street.
Biologically, you'll be cranky, short-tempered, and ready to take on anyone, even if there are ten of them.

As for me, I just ignore provocations. I hold my head higher, look the agitator either dead in the eye or slightly above their head, puff out my chest, give a little smirk, and say nothing.

Are you some kind of pacifist or something? Honestly, that was my biggest hurdle. There’s nothing worse than an aggressor basically forcing you to just stand there and take it without putting up a fight. I mean, why isn't the bully afraid of you? It's because they don't expect anything from you that could actually pose a threat. Does a predator want to end up in the ER? Of course not. Check out what I wrote here: http://www.reddit.com/r/discussion/thread/1019073

Maybe this will clear things up for you—it’s a damn shame I didn't realize how the world actually works sooner. Infinite HATE is the only real truth. Look, if you’re physically outmatched, don't just sit there following some moral code; call someone stronger, call the cops. But if you’ve got the power? You tear them apart. People who are physically weaker call the police, but they make up for it by being mentally sharp—that's why the strong rule over the weak in every sense (both mental and physical), and why the smart eventually run the show over the strong. It's just straight-up social Darwinism. Even a girl can dominate someone through sheer mental strength; you don't always have to rely on muscle.

Sign up for some boxing or Jiu-Jitsu—seriously, just commit to at least 5 or 6 months of training at a legit gym. You need those live sparring sessions to actually get a feel for what fighting is like and learn how to pull off those techniques when things get real. And yeah, look, you’re probably going to get smacked around a bit during sparring early on—but trust me, once you're in it, you'll realize it’s really not that big of a deal...

Until you’ve put in that work and actually built up some skill and experience, don't go making any sudden moves. Just wait until you’ve got a handle on things and know what you're doing. Avoid the confrontation or just ignore them for now—even if it's incredibly frustrating, just stay patient. You have to wait for your "five minutes," so to speak. Sure, you might have to eat a little dirt for a while, but eventually, things will turn around and you can expect much better results...

Once you’re properly trained and feeling ready, find those lowlifes one by one and call them out to a 1-on-1 fight. Believe me, there’s a 90% chance not a single one of them will step up. These guys are bullies—and let's be honest, bullies who hang out in packs are usually just cowards at heart, trying to compensate for their own lack of guts by hiding behind a crowd to feel safe...

That’s just how bullies act when you actually challenge them or stand your ground... 90% of the time, they won't fight...

Steven Murphy2 said:Are you some kind of pacifist or something? Honestly, that was my biggest hurdle. There’s nothing worse than an aggressor basically forcing you to just stand there and take it without putting up a fight. I mean, why isn't the bully afraid of you? It's because they don't expect anything from you that could actually pose a threat. Does a predator want to end up in the ER? Of course not. Check out what I wrote here: http://www.reddit.com/r/discussion/thread/1019073

Maybe this will clear things up for you—it’s a damn shame I didn't realize how the world actually works sooner. Infinite HATE is the only real truth. Look, if you’re physically outmatched, don't just sit there following some moral code; call someone stronger, call the cops. But if you’ve got the power? You tear them apart. People who are physically weaker call the police, but they make up for it by being mentally sharp—that's why the strong rule over the weak in every sense (both mental and physical), and why the smart eventually run the show over the strong. It's just straight-up social Darwinism. Even a girl can dominate someone through sheer mental strength; you don't always have to rely on muscle.

It’s pretty obvious why they aren't scared—they’ve got backup, and they specifically hunt for people who look timid enough to just swallow any provocation without fighting back...

Honestly, most of them are just insecure cowards who wouldn't dare step up to a one-on-one fight in a million years.☕

I’ve never been one for combat sports; there’s nothing about fighting that appeals to me, and I’d much rather avoid it entirely. Yet, the violence persists, and the panic is just mounting. I have no desire to engage in a fight with them—I just want this all to stop.

Trollface. Lock this thread.

analogorca6 said:Trollface. Lock this thread.

It’s classic forum behavior: the second someone doesn't know how to respond to a post, they immediately label it "trolling" just to save face.

It’s easy for you guys to sit back in your comfortable armchairs calling people trolls. If you were actually dealing with aggressors yourselves, you’d be looking at these issues through a completely different lens.

In a space specifically designed for seeking advice, you’re turning around and telling the very people asking for help that they are just 🤦

If the roles were reversed and you were being called out as trolls, there would be a thousand threads popping up instantly asking "how to deal with online harassment?" I’ve been enduring this since 2016, and only now have I finally decided to reach out for guidance.

You’re missing the concept of ownership.
Ownership is something you defend.
Do you love anyone?
Family—your dad, mom, sister, brother, even your dog or cat. Someone you actually give a damn about.
Pick that person and picture them in a nasty situation in your head. Imagine someone bullying them. They’re humiliated, basically on the verge of tears. They’re paralyzed, hands shaking because they’re so scared. And the aggressor just won't stop—pushing them, mocking them.
How does that make you feel?
Don't think about yourself or your own fear—think about what you feel for *that* person. Just lean into that feeling. Really sit with what they’re going through.

Once you step out of the spotlight and become an observer, the whole world takes on a different tone.

Love is ownership (this is gonna sting for some people, I'm ready for the arguments), we protect the people we care about because they are "ours." Now, apply that to yourself.
Do you even own yourself?
Love is ownership—saying it for the fifth time—but that’s not where it ends.
Find the middle ground. Don't look for a template; look for your most optimized self.
The middle ground is feeling someone else's pain and protecting them *because* of that pain, not to prove how tough you are. And if you do that, you end up feeling your own pain too.

Basically, when the moment hits, people pull off feats they never dreamed they were capable of. Having this kind of reflection beforehand really helps.
And I don't mean just imagining yourself saying "no"—because that doesn't seem to help you much, other than keeping you stuck in the same spot.
For you, I’d actually suggest leaning into triggering your own anger.
And I don't mean through sports or whatever—I mean mentally. All mental. Sports, working out, hitting the gym... those are just external ways people try to pump up their insides. But if the internal stuff isn't following suit, all that effort is useless.

By the way, how good are you at saying "no" to yourself? If you struggle with that, work on it. Being able to tell yourself "no" is one of the greatest powers there is; it opens up entirely new worlds.

Look, everyone has a fighting spirit; the question is where you point it. Find your direction—where are you aiming that fight? What gets your blood boiling? I mean literally—not just what makes you sad or scared, but what actually raises your blood pressure?
In the "worst-case" scenario, you might realize you're the one raising your own blood pressure, so use that fighting spirit to go toe-to-toe with yourself. Conquering yourself (in stages, battles, wars... I don't know if you can ever truly "win") is... a cure for a lot of things. 😉

See, for example, look at how you protect your own pain—you got pissed off the second someone questioned it.

I’d be happy to pour a little of my own extreme onto you: the constant search for conflict. I’m learning how to handle conflict just like you are, just from the other side. I’m learning how to find calm.

Angela White2 said:I’ve never been one for combat sports; there’s nothing about fighting that appeals to me, and I’d much rather avoid it entirely. Yet, the violence persists, and the panic is just mounting. I have no desire to engage in a fight with them—I just want this all to stop.

You're spot on there. It’s a shame, really. This world is just overflowing with selfish materialism. Whether we like it or not, it feels like things are only going to get tougher.

Charles, if you actually have this protective instinct buried somewhere inside you but just don't know how to channel it, you really ought to read her post. 🙂 She makes some incredibly profound points:

Peter Murphy6 said:You’re missing the concept of ownership.
Ownership is something you defend.
Do you love anyone?
Family—your dad, mom, sister, brother, even your dog or cat. Someone you actually give a damn about.
Pick that person and picture them in a nasty situation in your head. Imagine someone bullying them. They’re humiliated, basically on the verge of tears. They’re paralyzed, hands shaking because they’re so scared. And the aggressor just won't stop—pushing them, mocking them.
How does that make you feel?
Don't think about yourself or your own fear—think about what you feel for *that* person. Just lean into that feeling. Really sit with what they’re going through.

Once you step out of the spotlight and become an observer, the whole world takes on a different tone.

Love is ownership (this is gonna sting for some people, I'm ready for the arguments), we protect the people we care about because they are "ours." Now, apply that to yourself.
Do you even own yourself?
Love is ownership—saying it for the fifth time—but that’s not where it ends.
Find the middle ground. Don't look for a template; look for your most optimized self.
The middle ground is feeling someone else's pain and protecting them *because* of that pain, not to prove how tough you are. And if you do that, you end up feeling your own pain too.

Basically, when the moment hits, people pull off feats they never dreamed they were capable of. Having this kind of reflection beforehand really helps.
And I don't mean just imagining yourself saying "no"—because that doesn't seem to help you much, other than keeping you stuck in the same spot.
For you, I’d actually suggest leaning into triggering your own anger.
And I don't mean through sports or whatever—I mean mentally. All mental. Sports, working out, hitting the gym... those are just external ways people try to pump up their insides. But if the internal stuff isn't following suit, all that effort is useless.

By the way, how good are you at saying "no" to yourself? If you struggle with that, work on it. Being able to tell yourself "no" is one of the greatest powers there is; it opens up entirely new worlds.

Look, everyone has a fighting spirit; the question is where you point it. Find your direction—where are you aiming that fight? What gets your blood boiling? I mean literally—not just what makes you sad or scared, but what actually raises your blood pressure?
In the "worst-case" scenario, you might realize you're the one raising your own blood pressure, so use that fighting spirit to go toe-to-toe with yourself. Conquering yourself (in stages, battles, wars... I don't know if you can ever truly "win") is... a cure for a lot of things. 😉

See, for example, look at how you protect your own pain—you got pissed off the second someone questioned it.

I’d be happy to pour a little of my own extreme onto you: the constant search for conflict. I’m learning how to handle conflict just like you are, just from the other side. I’m learning how to find calm.

Peter Murphy6 always drops these little nuggets of self-help advice. Honestly, you might actually stumble onto something useful if you look hard enough!

George Robinson2 said:Why do we still deal with these pool-side impulses? 🤦

Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of women are actually attracted to those aggressive types or fighters, which is just sad—not to mention how many of them will intentionally act all tough while their guy is trying to de-escalate things, only for him to end up taking a beating through no fault of his own because of her behavior.

I honestly think you should tell a woman right from the start that you aren't going to jump into some pointless drama to protect her "honor" over some silly conflict, and you really have to make that clear upfront.

There was this one woman I actually liked, but she told me straight up that she loves those fighters and thinks guys who know how to scrap are great. I don't even have to tell you that my opinion of her changed instantly.

So many of these fights happen because of women, unfortunately, and it's even worse when they're the ones pushing for their guy to fight, acting like it's totally normal—all while completely ignoring how dangerous it actually is, and then they turn around and judge him for being "less manly" if he doesn't.

As for the OP, who thinks women are actually into those fighters... I’d just say stay far, far away from them.

I wasn't talking about the manipulators who find some pushover just to stroke their egos...