Who can I talk to for help? Who should I reach out to?

Harold Anderson3 said:Fair enough. I spent about two years in psychoanalysis with this wonderful doctor who's retired now. But get this: she never even brought up schizophrenia as a possibility for me; instead, she was essentially misdiagnosing me with depression. So, the whole process didn't really "cure" anything for me. In fact, digging through the past actually ended up hurting my relationship with my father and stepmother, who were the ones who raised me since my mom was sick and the court gave custody to my dad after the divorce.
My mom never remarried; she just sort of withdrew from the world.

I wish I had my own family too, but that feels like a Hollywood movie script if it ever actually happens. I honestly have no idea how I'm supposed to build a life given the limitations I'm dealing with.
I was always a reserved kid, though an intelligent one.
It didn't bother me much back then; I was perfectly happy living in my "own little world" and staying tucked away in my shell.
The trouble started when I realized I couldn't live like that forever and wanted to be able to function like everyone else. I just found myself craving socialization, but it just wouldn't happen.
And that's when the psychology, the psychiatry... the whole cycle began.

There are all these online courses and certifications out there, and you can even get legitimate degrees through them. But even that requires money. Yeah, damn it, everything comes down to the money. 😢

To be honest, after ten years of studying, I can't even bring myself to pick up a newspaper anymore. 🤣
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but I don't think I could handle more schooling if my life depended on it; academia just isn't my calling.

To be honest, I'm a little skeptical about your diagnosis. I've met plenty of people living with schizophrenia, and I post about that topic here from time to time, but you don't really strike me as someone in that boat. Sometimes treating depression—whether it's meds, therapy, or something else—can trigger psychotic or manic episodes, which usually leads to a bipolar diagnosis. But whatever, it's all just paperwork in the end.

Have you ever looked into systemic therapy or family constellation work?

It really just comes down to perspective—how you choose to view every single obstacle... Even if some messy stuff from your childhood or a sudden setback later on causes real trauma, the real question is why we let those moments define who we are today.

I’ve noticed (especially when dealing with depression) that we tend to cling to these old ghosts from our past. They hang around in our present even when there's absolutely no reason for them to be there... they aren't even directly tied to where we are in life right now.

If you ask me, we just need to accept things for what they are, stop judging everything, and move on to something else entirely.

Now, obviously, nobody can just snap their fingers and fix it all alone. For me personally, reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle was a total game-changer.

That said, you don't have to follow every single thing blindly like a fanatic! You just gotta read and explore until you find what actually works for you. Honestly, anything that helps is good... I'm just sharing what worked for me!

Amanda Robinson4 said:It really just comes down to perspective—how you choose to view every single obstacle... Even if some messy stuff from your childhood or a sudden setback later on causes real trauma, the real question is why we let those moments define who we are today.

I’ve noticed (especially when dealing with depression) that we tend to cling to these old ghosts from our past. They hang around in our present even when there's absolutely no reason for them to be there... they aren't even directly tied to where we are in life right now.

If you ask me, we just need to accept things for what they are, stop judging everything, and move on to something else entirely.

Now, obviously, nobody can just snap their fingers and fix it all alone. For me personally, reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle was a total game-changer.

That said, you don't have to follow every single thing blindly like a fanatic! You just gotta read and explore until you find what actually works for you. Honestly, anything that helps is good... I'm just sharing what worked for me!

I think it's because we've gotten used to carrying them around, almost accepting them as part of our own limitations. Stepping outside of those boundaries is scary because suddenly you're standing on unfamiliar ground. At least, that’s my take on it.

To be honest, I don’t really view myself as being fundamentally different or broken compared to everyone else.
The real issue is just how I navigate social situations. I don't actually enjoy being alone, yet I always feel so out of place when I'm around people, so I usually end up retreating into my own space anyway.
People have gone out of their way to tell me that I come across as stuck-up or indifferent, or something along those lines.
But in reality, I’m just trying to manage my own depression and anxiety.

As for my diagnosis, well, it is what it is. To be fair, the feeling during psychosis is actually quite pleasant—it’s almost like being on something illegal. In those moments, neither the depression nor the anxiety is present, and I even feel this strange sense of superiority over others. But of course, it's an illusion, just as my current depression feels fake right now because, objectively speaking, things aren't even that bad. It's just that the good high wears off so much faster than the depression, which can drag on forever...
I’m not sure how much you all can truly relate, but I’m doing my best to put words to what I'm going through.
For instance, if I'm currently in a mild depressive slump where my emotions feel muted, even tasks like writing become a struggle—sort of like hitting a wall where everything feels forced.

P.s. I recently finished reading The Power of Now, which isn't a bad read at all, nor was its follow-up, New World.
If I had to pick my favorites from similar books, I'd say The Way of Less Resistance is the best, along with its sequel A Step Further on the Way of Less Resistance.

Harold Anderson3 said:To be honest, I don’t really view myself as being fundamentally different or broken compared to everyone else.
The real issue is just how I navigate social situations. I don't actually enjoy being alone, yet I always feel so out of place when I'm around people, so I usually end up retreating into my own space anyway.
People have gone out of their way to tell me that I come across as stuck-up or indifferent, or something along those lines.
But in reality, I’m just trying to manage my own depression and anxiety.

As for my diagnosis, well, it is what it is. To be fair, the feeling during psychosis is actually quite pleasant—it’s almost like being on something illegal. In those moments, neither the depression nor the anxiety is present, and I even feel this strange sense of superiority over others. But of course, it's an illusion, just as my current depression feels fake right now because, objectively speaking, things aren't even that bad. It's just that the good high wears off so much faster than the depression, which can drag on forever...
I’m not sure how much you all can truly relate, but I’m doing my best to put words to what I'm going through.
For instance, if I'm currently in a mild depressive slump where my emotions feel muted, even tasks like writing become a struggle—sort of like hitting a wall where everything feels forced.

P.s. I recently finished reading The Power of Now, which isn't a bad read at all, nor was its follow-up, New World.
If I had to pick my favorites from similar books, I'd say The Way of Less Resistance is the best, along with its sequel A Step Further on the Way of Less Resistance.

So what's the downside of the psychosis then? You feel good, so why is that considered a bad thing?

Joseph Bailey41 said:So what's the downside of the psychosis then? You feel good, so why is that considered a bad thing?

I wouldn't call that the core issue. The real struggle is when your thought processes accelerate so much that you basically lose your grip on reality. Then there are the hallucinations to deal with—that feeling where you can't trust your own senses anymore because you aren't sure if what you're hearing is actually happening or if it's just playing tricks on you inside your head. Medication helps by slowing those brain processes back down to a more manageable level.
On top of that, a heavy bout of depression usually follows a psychotic episode, and apparently, medication helps there too, by helping to stabilize your mental state. The goal is really just to prevent those extreme swings between being deeply depressed or manic, and instead help you land somewhere in a healthy middle ground that actually aligns with the world around you.

Joseph Bailey41 said:I think it's because we've gotten used to carrying them around, almost accepting them as part of our own limitations. Stepping outside of those boundaries is scary because suddenly you're standing on unfamiliar ground. At least, that’s my take on it.

Yeah, I totally agree. Though, personally, I’d love to focus more on just breaking free from specific, nagging problems. But then again, we always seem to fall back into the exact same traps, spinning our wheels in circles over and over...

Harold Anderson3 said:To be honest, I don’t really view myself as being fundamentally different or broken compared to everyone else.
The real issue is just how I navigate social situations. I don't actually enjoy being alone, yet I always feel so out of place when I'm around people, so I usually end up retreating into my own space anyway.
People have gone out of their way to tell me that I come across as stuck-up or indifferent, or something along those lines.
But in reality, I’m just trying to manage my own depression and anxiety.

As for my diagnosis, well, it is what it is. To be fair, the feeling during psychosis is actually quite pleasant—it’s almost like being on something illegal. In those moments, neither the depression nor the anxiety is present, and I even feel this strange sense of superiority over others. But of course, it's an illusion, just as my current depression feels fake right now because, objectively speaking, things aren't even that bad. It's just that the good high wears off so much faster than the depression, which can drag on forever...
I’m not sure how much you all can truly relate, but I’m doing my best to put words to what I'm going through.
For instance, if I'm currently in a mild depressive slump where my emotions feel muted, even tasks like writing become a struggle—sort of like hitting a wall where everything feels forced.

P.s. I recently finished reading The Power of Now, which isn't a bad read at all, nor was its follow-up, New World.
If I had to pick my favorites from similar books, I'd say The Way of Less Resistance is the best, along with its sequel A Step Further on the Way of Less Resistance.

Well, look, any self-help book can help—if you’re open enough to it—at least for a little while. The thing is, they usually deal with these big, broad issues where you might or might not see yourself. Sure, you can tackle a specific issue by looking at the bigger picture, but sometimes you really need to dig deep into the actual details...

Hardly anyone can sit down and actually map out all their own personal hang-ups by themselves...

Harold Anderson3 said:I wouldn't call that the core issue. The real struggle is when your thought processes accelerate so much that you basically lose your grip on reality. Then there are the hallucinations to deal with—that feeling where you can't trust your own senses anymore because you aren't sure if what you're hearing is actually happening or if it's just playing tricks on you inside your head. Medication helps by slowing those brain processes back down to a more manageable level.
On top of that, a heavy bout of depression usually follows a psychotic episode, and apparently, medication helps there too, by helping to stabilize your mental state. The goal is really just to prevent those extreme swings between being deeply depressed or manic, and instead help you land somewhere in a healthy middle ground that actually aligns with the world around you.

If you ask me, those meds are just temporary stabilizers! People really seem to think they’re going to magically heal themselves just by taking pills... but I don't see it that way. To truly get past a mental disorder or any of those states for good, I honestly believe you need something more substantial... like having a massive amount of willpower and making some really tough calls...

Amanda Robinson4 said:If you ask me, those meds are just temporary stabilizers! People really seem to think they’re going to magically heal themselves just by taking pills... but I don't see it that way. To truly get past a mental disorder or any of those states for good, I honestly believe you need something more substantial... like having a massive amount of willpower and making some really tough calls...

It’s complicated, really.
In my view, the most effective approach is usually a mix of medication and psychotherapy. If you're dealing with something milder, the focus should probably lean more toward therapy, and medication doesn't necessarily have to be a lifelong commitment. However, if the situation is more severe, long-term medication might be necessary, though we shouldn't overlook other supportive methods either.
Schizophrenia is such an incredibly complex disorder that while medication is absolutely essential, it just isn't enough on its own.

Harold Anderson3 said:I wouldn't call that the core issue. The real struggle is when your thought processes accelerate so much that you basically lose your grip on reality. Then there are the hallucinations to deal with—that feeling where you can't trust your own senses anymore because you aren't sure if what you're hearing is actually happening or if it's just playing tricks on you inside your head. Medication helps by slowing those brain processes back down to a more manageable level.
On top of that, a heavy bout of depression usually follows a psychotic episode, and apparently, medication helps there too, by helping to stabilize your mental state. The goal is really just to prevent those extreme swings between being deeply depressed or manic, and instead help you land somewhere in a healthy middle ground that actually aligns with the world around you.

It is actually possible to maintain control over hallucinations. Even Tesla experienced vivid visions during his childhood, and later on, he could visualize his entire machinery in his mind's eye without ever needing to sketch it out on paper—though, of course, he had to draw them eventually just so others could help him build them. While experiencing accelerated thought processes or feeling like you're losing touch with a slower version of reality can be a bit more unsettling, it is something a person can learn to manage. (That being said, I’m definitely not suggesting that anyone—including you—should suddenly stop taking their medication and just dive headfirst into a psychotic break.)

Harold Anderson3 said:I wouldn't call that the core issue. The real struggle is when your thought processes accelerate so much that you basically lose your grip on reality. Then there are the hallucinations to deal with—that feeling where you can't trust your own senses anymore because you aren't sure if what you're hearing is actually happening or if it's just playing tricks on you inside your head. Medication helps by slowing those brain processes back down to a more manageable level.
On top of that, a heavy bout of depression usually follows a psychotic episode, and apparently, medication helps there too, by helping to stabilize your mental state. The goal is really just to prevent those extreme swings between being deeply depressed or manic, and instead help you land somewhere in a healthy middle ground that actually aligns with the world around you.

So, one class of medication to lift you up, and another to bring you back down? In theory, that sounds like a perfect plan, but in practice, finding that sweet spot is incredibly tough. It makes me wonder—is there anything in life that can truly spark genuine joy without turning into an all-consuming obsession?

Joseph Bailey41, have you actually ever met someone in a psychotic break, or do you just love talking trash and asking what’s wrong with psychosis?

I'm honestly shocked

Brandon Myers20 said:Joseph Bailey41, have you actually ever met someone in a psychotic break, or do you just love talking trash and asking what’s wrong with psychosis?

I'm honestly shocked

I have. In fact, my conversation with her was more coherent than most conversations I've had in my entire life.

I realize that not every psychotic episode is the same—some people feel incredibly energized and intuitive, while others feel terrified and paranoid. That’s why I asked Harold Anderson3 what his specific experience was like and what the actual struggle was for him. I wouldn't dream of asking a question like that to someone who doesn't know which way is up, but since we're dealing with a very rational person on this forum, I figured my curiosity wouldn't catch him off guard. Clearly, I didn't account for the sudden parachute jump.☕

It’s funny how you don't actually offer any solutions on how to manage hallucinations or deal with losing touch with reality.

Instead, you just wrote about how it's possible—basically, you just showed up and dumped all your thoughts everywhere. In spades.

And you're speaking from the "experience" of a conversation with one psychotic person. You don't live with someone experiencing psychosis, you don't work with them, you don't do anything.
That whole pathetic bit about it being the "most meaningful conversation ever"—it honestly makes me want to gag.
Sorry, gotta run, I need to go wash up.

Brandon Myers20 said:It’s funny how you don't actually offer any solutions on how to manage hallucinations or deal with losing touch with reality.

Instead, you just wrote about how it's possible—basically, you just showed up and dumped all your thoughts everywhere. In spades.

And you're speaking from the "experience" of a conversation with one psychotic person. You don't live with someone experiencing psychosis, you don't work with them, you don't do anything.
That whole pathetic bit about it being the "most meaningful conversation ever"—it honestly makes me want to gag.
Sorry, gotta run, I need to go wash up.

Did anyone actually ask me for advice on controlling hallucinations? Or how to handle losing touch with reality?

If nobody did, why on earth would I write about it? ☕

Joseph Bailey41 said:Did anyone actually ask me for advice on controlling hallucinations? Or how to handle losing touch with reality?

If nobody did, why on earth would I write about it? ☕

Well, I'm asking you now.

And look, if you actually had some revolutionary solution, you probably would've shared it ages ago with the people here who actually need help.
I don't get why you're waiting for someone to ask first.

Brandon Myers20 said:It’s funny how you don't actually offer any solutions on how to manage hallucinations or deal with losing touch with reality.

Instead, you just wrote about how it's possible—basically, you just showed up and dumped all your thoughts everywhere. In spades.

And you're speaking from the "experience" of a conversation with one psychotic person. You don't live with someone experiencing psychosis, you don't work with them, you don't do anything.
That whole pathetic bit about it being the "most meaningful conversation ever"—it honestly makes me want to gag.
Sorry, gotta run, I need to go wash up.

Take a seat,
She was really just asking if it’s possible to live without medication.
I tried it once, it was my last time, and I’m never going back.
Some people try five times and They Still aren't satisfied.
Even though meds have their downsides, for me, there are way more reasons to take them than to avoid them.
But she did pose a pretty valid question for Joseph Bailey41.
One reason being that even Nikola Tesla probably wouldn't find his footing in today's world. He had a pretty complicated psyche, and while he changed the world back then, those types of people struggle to succeed nowadays. The world doesn't seem to have much use for another Isaac Newton, John Nash, or even a Steve Jobs, given how difficult their personalities can be.
E: You have such a lovely name, but I think you're off base this time.

Brandon Myers20 said:Well, I'm asking you now.

And look, if you actually had some revolutionary solution, you probably would've shared it ages ago with the people here who actually need help.
I don't get why you're waiting for someone to ask first.

The thing is, it's a very personal matter. Like I said before, not all psychoses are the same. You first need to talk through what they're experiencing and find common ground to reach a potential solution. (And, obviously, always have a backup plan just in case things go sideways—like having a doctor's number on hand).

I've posted links to a manual for tapering off psychiatric meds several times on this subforum—it's publicly available and has been translated into American English along with many other languages. If anyone is interested, they can find it. I also linked a YouTube channel run by someone who works specifically with people dealing with bipolar disorder (in the relevant thread), who focuses heavily on mania and psychosis. Again, if anyone wants it, they can find it. You are more than welcome to start your own thread or share your specific struggle here—nobody is stopping you. But I don't think it's right to clutter up someone else's thread with advice they didn't ask for.

Harold Anderson3 said:Take a seat,
She was really just asking if it’s possible to live without medication.
I tried it once, it was my last time, and I’m never going back.
Some people try five times and They Still aren't satisfied.
Even though meds have their downsides, for me, there are way more reasons to take them than to avoid them.
But she did pose a pretty valid question for Joseph Bailey41.
One reason being that even Nikola Tesla probably wouldn't find his footing in today's world. He had a pretty complicated psyche, and while he changed the world back then, those types of people struggle to succeed nowadays. The world doesn't seem to have much use for another Isaac Newton, John Nash, or even a Steve Jobs, given how difficult their personalities can be.
E: You have such a lovely name, but I think you're off base this time.

There. You did your own math and decided that taking medication is worth it for you. Nash decided it wasn't (even if that part was cut from the movie about him) and kept living with his difficult temperament. That made things pretty uncomfortable for everyone around him, and honestly, I can't even gauge how much his achievements improved the world since I don't know enough about that field. It all comes down to personal choice—weighing the pros and cons of any decision. My impression is that you don't have a bad character; rather, you just pay a lot of attention to how the people close to you feel, which makes your decision completely rational.

But it feels to me like everything for you revolves around trying to adapt to the world, as if that's your biggest hurdle. I dealt with something similar; I actually wrote about it just yesterday. If you read the second-to-last paragraph, it'll be clear how people perceived me back then. 🤣

I was lucky enough, both then and later, to meet many people who functioned differently than most and who could see right through my absurd mask. Some struggled with mental health, some had run-ins with the law, others lived perfectly balanced lives, but they all shared one thing: they couldn't fit into existing mental molds. (Which, in my opinion, are mostly a hundred times crazier than any illness.) I truly hope you find "your" people. Even if those connections are brief, I think it will mean the world to you if someone truly "sees" you for who you are, rather than the image you try to project. Don't settle for anyone making you feel less valuable, and don't let yourself be defined solely by a diagnosis. You're a human being, just like everyone else.

I have been reflecting on this topic for two days now, wondering if I could contribute anything truly meaningful that might actually prove useful to the author.

Quincy:

Harold Anderson3 As follows: I would love to have a family of my own, but that will remain a work of science fiction unless it actually happens. I am honestly unsure how I will navigate my life given the limitations I face. I was a reserved child, though quite bright. I didn't find that particularly troublesome; I was perfectly content living in my own little bubble. The issue started when I realized I couldn't sustain that lifestyle, and I felt a genuine desire to follow the lead of others. Quite simply, I wanted to be more social, but it just wasn't happening. And then there is psychology and psychiatry...

Can an extremely introverted person truly socialize, and is it even necessary to force it? At the end of the day, we are who we are. We can certainly adjust within the boundaries of our own personalities, but we cannot fundamentally transform into someone else. Learning to know, accept, and respect oneself—even when that identity clashes with societal expectations or what people think is "ideal"—is the essential first step toward living an authentic life. 🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:What does a "normal" life actually look like here in America?
Is it that standard blueprint—having your own family, owning a house, driving your own car, and checking off all those boxes with a college degree and a solid career?
Then I take a look at my own reality, feeling pretty isolated and lacking just about everything on that list, while spending my days caring for my sick mother and my exhausted grandmother.
I’m carrying the weight of a traumatic childhood, and honestly, I’ve got a genetic predisposition toward mental health struggles.
There are moments when I feel okay, but those moods tend to crash quite quickly. I feel stuck in this relentless cycle where my failures feed my depression, and that depression just drags me further down, creating more fuel for the next downward spiral.

I mentioned my grandmother earlier. To be blunt, she’s been the core wound in our family ever since the way she brought my mother into this world. She spent her life wandering around without an ounce of responsibility or common sense, acting like a headless chicken, until she finally aged out and drifted back to the very house she was born in.
As for my mother, the family basically pressured her into getting married because she was sickly, and they saw marriage as a way to offload the burden of looking after her. So, she married, had me, and then they divorced after just three years.
My father is one of those workaholics—a talented craftsman, sure, but it’s like he never even lived under our roof because he was never home. And my stepmother... well, she’s a whole other story; she’s become a completely different person now that we kids are grown. It’s just... yeah. 🤦

Society constantly pushes a specific image of the "ideal life," yet real lives rarely align with that mold. Many people simply follow the path they were taught to pursue, investing everything into meeting social standards or personal ideals, only to find themselves unfulfilled. No matter how perfect a life may appear from the outside, it never truly is. Every journey is inevitably shaped by trials, setbacks, unexpected hurdles, and disappointments.

The greatest thing a person can do for themselves is to truly understand who they are—their potential, their limits, and their natural inclinations. From there, one should strive to organize their life as much as possible to align with their own inner sense of integrity and what is right.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to live a peaceful, quiet life. 🙂

Caring for both your mother and grandmother while managing your own health challenges is truly noble. 🙂

mistybison

mistybison said:I have been reflecting on this topic for two days now, wondering if I could contribute anything truly meaningful that might actually prove useful to the author.

Quincy:

Harold Anderson3 As follows: I would love to have a family of my own, but that will remain a work of science fiction unless it actually happens. I am honestly unsure how I will navigate my life given the limitations I face. I was a reserved child, though quite bright. I didn't find that particularly troublesome; I was perfectly content living in my own little bubble. The issue started when I realized I couldn't sustain that lifestyle, and I felt a genuine desire to follow the lead of others. Quite simply, I wanted to be more social, but it just wasn't happening. And then there is psychology and psychiatry...

Can an extremely introverted person truly socialize, and is it even necessary to force it? At the end of the day, we are who we are. We can certainly adjust within the boundaries of our own personalities, but we cannot fundamentally transform into someone else. Learning to know, accept, and respect oneself—even when that identity clashes with societal expectations or what people think is "ideal"—is the essential first step toward living an authentic life. 🙂

Society constantly pushes a specific image of the "ideal life," yet real lives rarely align with that mold. Many people simply follow the path they were taught to pursue, investing everything into meeting social standards or personal ideals, only to find themselves unfulfilled. No matter how perfect a life may appear from the outside, it never truly is. Every journey is inevitably shaped by trials, setbacks, unexpected hurdles, and disappointments.

The greatest thing a person can do for themselves is to truly understand who they are—their potential, their limits, and their natural inclinations. From there, one should strive to organize their life as much as possible to align with their own inner sense of integrity and what is right.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to live a peaceful, quiet life. 🙂

Caring for both your mother and grandmother while managing your own health challenges is truly noble. 🙂

It isn't really a question of whether I am a social person by nature or not; it’s more about this pervasive lack of will to engage with anything at all. There are those rare moments when I actually feel alive, where my words flow easily and I find myself genuinely curious about the world, but most of the time, I just feel isolated, unmotivated, and stuck in a depressive fog.
I have a feeling I might have missed a crucial step somewhere along the line in my emotional development, and that's almost certainly because I didn't get to experience a truly carefree childhood. But honestly, at this stage in my life, trying to make up for lost time feels like a bit of a lost cause.
I think I was probably closest to actually tying the knot about two years ago when I was seeing this girl. Right from the start, she used to tell me how much she loved me—in that intense, "you drive me crazy" kind of way—only to turn around and call me a selfish, weak-willed crybaby in her very last text to me.
The absolute worst part of this entire situation is that I can't shake the feeling that they might actually be right.
Let's say I'm doing alright visually—I've got decent features, my height and weight are pretty much where they should be, and plenty of people have gone out of their way to tell me I'm good-looking. Honestly, I also tend to look quite a bit younger than my actual age.
Unfortunately, I didn't quite manage to pull it off with my studies; school was actually going pretty smoothly for me right up until I fell ill, but I never really did fully recover.
I find what’s highlighted here quite intriguing, actually. Do you truly believe that’s the case?
If that were actually the case, we’d likely see a much higher number of depressed people ending up taking their own lives.
If everyone really is that miserable, they’re doing a pretty spectacular job of hiding it from the rest of us.
My depression doesn't really have a specific trigger; it just kind of settles in without any clear reason at all. There are times when I actually find myself wishing for the psychosis to come back, mostly because that’s when I feel light, truly alive, and like I actually matter. But then the volatility kicks in, and I end up getting into these intense confrontations. For instance, during my last episode about a year and a half ago, I got into a fight with a classmate at the university that nearly cost me an eye. At the time, I honestly couldn't have cared less about the injury; after having a couple of beers, my only real thought was to call 911 so they could take me to the psychiatric ward, where I ended up staying for the next three weeks.
Whenever you happen to bring up schizophrenia or psychosis in conversation, you can practically see people recoil in fear, like you've just dropped a heavy weight into a quiet room.
But I know that, first and foremost, I am a danger to myself.
That first paragraph you wrote, the one I highlighted...
It feels as though we are simply born exactly as we are, with absolutely no chance of ever changing.
In a way, that’s true, but we are also shaped by our environment, whether that experience was positive or negative. Can psychotherapy actually alter what we have lived through, or heal those deep scars we carry from our earliest childhood years?
If it could, I imagine a lot more people would be seeking out a psychiatrist or a therapist.
What is the actual purpose of psychotherapy, anyway? Is it meant to mold us into who we want to be, or is it just about learning to accept ourselves as we are?
I tend to be quite a quiet person—whether I was born that way or not doesn't really matter—but I feel this constant blockage in social settings, which might just be a subconscious defense mechanism stemming from how people have treated me.
I had hoped that therapy would change that, but even after several years of working with professionals, I haven't managed to achieve it.
I wish I were a more cheerful, outgoing person, and it’s honestly quite sad that I have to rely on antidepressants just to socialize even remotely.
So, here I am at thirty years old, and looking back on my life, I feel a certain sense of pity for myself; for the most part, it’s just been a series of struggles, either with the world around me or within my own head.
I don't know, sometimes I think it might have been better if I had never been born, and I find myself frequently thinking about death, whether through suicide or other means.
I know I'm rambling a bit here, but I'm not quite sure how else to put these things into words.

Joseph Bailey41 said:There. You did your own math and decided that taking medication is worth it for you. Nash decided it wasn't (even if that part was cut from the movie about him) and kept living with his difficult temperament. That made things pretty uncomfortable for everyone around him, and honestly, I can't even gauge how much his achievements improved the world since I don't know enough about that field. It all comes down to personal choice—weighing the pros and cons of any decision. My impression is that you don't have a bad character; rather, you just pay a lot of attention to how the people close to you feel, which makes your decision completely rational.

But it feels to me like everything for you revolves around trying to adapt to the world, as if that's your biggest hurdle. I dealt with something similar; I actually wrote about it just yesterday. If you read the second-to-last paragraph, it'll be clear how people perceived me back then. 🤣

I was lucky enough, both then and later, to meet many people who functioned differently than most and who could see right through my absurd mask. Some struggled with mental health, some had run-ins with the law, others lived perfectly balanced lives, but they all shared one thing: they couldn't fit into existing mental molds. (Which, in my opinion, are mostly a hundred times crazier than any illness.) I truly hope you find "your" people. Even if those connections are brief, I think it will mean the world to you if someone truly "sees" you for who you are, rather than the image you try to project. Don't settle for anyone making you feel less valuable, and don't let yourself be defined solely by a diagnosis. You're a human being, just like everyone else.

Nash fell ill over fifty years ago, during a time when the side effects of the medications available back then were often worse than the illness itself.
He wasn't even close to being functional, and the research that earned him his Nobel Prize was actually completed before he received his diagnosis. He was largely unemployed until near retirement, eventually returning as a lecturer at Princeton, though he was never truly cured.