Who can I talk to for help? Who should I reach out to?

I want to thank everyone who shared their thoughts on this thread; you have all been such a huge help to me, 🙂
but I’ve realized I really need to find a professional to talk to about psychotherapy. I've been struggling with frequent thoughts of suicide lately, and honestly, it would be a tragedy not just for me, but for everyone around me too. If I can manage to bring in about $1,000 to $1,200 a month, I could set aside maybe $250 monthly to focus on my own mental health and well-being. After all, if I'm not here, none of this matters anyway.

Harold Anderson3 said:I want to thank everyone who shared their thoughts on this thread; you have all been such a huge help to me, 🙂
but I’ve realized I really need to find a professional to talk to about psychotherapy. I've been struggling with frequent thoughts of suicide lately, and honestly, it would be a tragedy not just for me, but for everyone around me too. If I can manage to bring in about $1,000 to $1,200 a month, I could set aside maybe $250 monthly to focus on my own mental health and well-being. After all, if I'm not here, none of this matters anyway.

You should certainly to do that. 🙂

If you can manage it, try not to dwell too much on childhood traumas. Our memories from those early years are often unreliable, and constantly revisiting negative experiences and emotions is simply exhausting for the soul. 😢

🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:I want to thank everyone who shared their thoughts on this thread; you have all been such a huge help to me, 🙂
but I’ve realized I really need to find a professional to talk to about psychotherapy. I've been struggling with frequent thoughts of suicide lately, and honestly, it would be a tragedy not just for me, but for everyone around me too. If I can manage to bring in about $1,000 to $1,200 a month, I could set aside maybe $250 monthly to focus on my own mental health and well-being. After all, if I'm not here, none of this matters anyway.

Now I'm trying to recall which specific thread that was or who exactly wrote what... I think it might have been Number, but I can't be certain. Anyway, one option is to ask your primary care doctor for a referral for a second opinion. You could see a psychologist without bringing old records or mentioning an existing diagnosis; just talk to them, go through some testing, and let them give you their own assessment. You can do this anywhere, but if you're coming to Washington, D.C. soon, maybe you could handle it there. I say this because, based on what you've described, it sounds more like bipolar disorder or perhaps a personality disorder rather than schizophrenia. Psychosis can stem from a whole range of different conditions, and right now, it seems like the depression is what's hitting you hardest.

On the other hand, seeing a private practitioner is a solid idea since it's often hard to get high-quality psychotherapy through the Social Security Administration, and it's difficult to choose a specific direction that actually fits your needs. I'm not sure if you've seen the thread "Holistic and Early Personal Development," but that kind of approach seems like the least stressful option to me. It avoids re-traumatization and skips that endless digging into the past that hasn't yielded much for you so far. EMDR follows a similar philosophy and is offered at a CBT center in Washington, D.C. (I know that for a fact, though there might be something closer to you), and it's a relatively fast therapy that doesn't require quite as many sessions. In any case, look into a few different places and then decide what's best for you.

I honestly never thought I’d be the one giving this kind of advice to anyone, but wouldn't it actually be such a relief for you to just check into a hospital for a little while and truly decompress? Wouldn't it feel amazing to just relax, hang out with people, laugh, eat some good food, grab a coffee, or even have a smoke, all while knowing deep down that you're finally safe because there are doctors and professionals right there to watch over you? They might even be able to adjust your medication to something that actually helps you feel a bit more comfortable and at peace, so don't you think that might be exactly what you need right now?

mistybison

Harold Anderson3 said:What does a "normal" life actually look like here in America?
Is it that standard blueprint—having your own family, owning a house, driving your own car, and checking off all those boxes with a college degree and a solid career?
Then I take a look at my own reality, feeling pretty isolated and lacking just about everything on that list, while spending my days caring for my sick mother and my exhausted grandmother.
I’m carrying the weight of a traumatic childhood, and honestly, I’ve got a genetic predisposition toward mental health struggles.
There are moments when I feel okay, but those moods tend to crash quite quickly. I feel stuck in this relentless cycle where my failures feed my depression, and that depression just drags me further down, creating more fuel for the next downward spiral.

I mentioned my grandmother earlier. To be blunt, she’s been the core wound in our family ever since the way she brought my mother into this world. She spent her life wandering around without an ounce of responsibility or common sense, acting like a headless chicken, until she finally aged out and drifted back to the very house she was born in.
As for my mother, the family basically pressured her into getting married because she was sickly, and they saw marriage as a way to offload the burden of looking after her. So, she married, had me, and then they divorced after just three years.
My father is one of those workaholics—a talented craftsman, sure, but it’s like he never even lived under our roof because he was never home. And my stepmother... well, she’s a whole other story; she’s become a completely different person now that we kids are grown. It’s just... yeah. 🤦

It’s just how it works for everyone, you know? I mean, truly *everyone* without exception! It isn't even about people trying to hide their despair or whatever; it's more like you simply don't have any other choice but to cling to those few fleeting moments in a day or a week where the darkness actually lifts, only for it to come crashing back down and making everything feel even heavier than before because you had finally started to get used to the weight, right? So then you're just left waiting, aren't you, just praying to catch one of those tiny windows of good spirits where you can forget all the trauma and the absolute mess of it all for just a few minutes?

I’m telling you, it’s true for absolutely everyone, I swear! Is there even a single person on this entire planet who hasn't dealt with their fair share of absolute chaos and deep-seated trauma? You’re dealing with psychosis while your grandmother was wandering around like a lost soul and your father was never actually around to support you, but think about how many others have faced much darker paths—some survivors of horrific abuse, some raised by fathers who struggled with alcoholism and turned violent against their families, or even those who suffered physical tragedies only to be cast out by their own kin and sent away to state facilities. Some people get blindsided by betrayal in relationships until they just snap, while others face spiritual crises that leave them seeking exorcisms or living in constant trances, or perhaps someone loses a child entirely... Nobody is putting on an act here, right? People don't choose this; they simply survive because they have to, pushing through day after day just to stay upright. Honestly, what else is life if not that struggle?

mistybison

Joseph Bailey41 said:The thing is, it's a very personal matter. Like I said before, not all psychoses are the same. You first need to talk through what they're experiencing and find common ground to reach a potential solution. (And, obviously, always have a backup plan just in case things go sideways—like having a doctor's number on hand).

I've posted links to a manual for tapering off psychiatric meds several times on this subforum—it's publicly available and has been translated into American English along with many other languages. If anyone is interested, they can find it. I also linked a YouTube channel run by someone who works specifically with people dealing with bipolar disorder (in the relevant thread), who focuses heavily on mania and psychosis. Again, if anyone wants it, they can find it. You are more than welcome to start your own thread or share your specific struggle here—nobody is stopping you. But I don't think it's right to clutter up someone else's thread with advice they didn't ask for.

You should probably post that on an alternative forum, because they’ll likely just delete posts like that here. Isn't it just so sad that the core principle in medical training for anyone becoming a psychotherapist is to never actually engage with the content of hallucinations? The way things are approached today is just so fundamentally flawed, isn't it? They basically tell someone already experiencing a crisis that something inside them is "broken" and needs to be fixed, which is really just another way of telling them to reject their own feelings because those feelings aren't considered "correct"—as if they didn't receive enough support growing up to handle it (which is actually quite possible and often the very reason these emotional experiences happen in the first place)!

Quote:>

Harold Anderson3 says: Can psychotherapy actually change what we have lived through, and can it truly heal those deep scars we carry from our earliest childhood? If it could, wouldn't a whole lot more people be running to see a psychiatrist or a therapist? What is even the point of psychotherapy anyway? Is it meant to mold us into who we want to be, or is it just about learning to accept ourselves exactly as we are?

I honestly don't see much purpose in psychotherapy at all; I mean, you can talk to someone until the sun comes up, but nobody is ever going to be in your exact shoes, right? No one can feel your pain for you, no one can take your emotions away so you don't have to feel them anymore, and no amount of talking is going to convince you that you shouldn't feel the way you do (especially since you already know how you feel!)

Quote:>>

So, I’m a full thirty years old now, and when I look back at my life, I just feel such deep pity for myself because most of the time I've just dealt with nothing but problems, whether it was with the people around me or within myself. I don't know, maybe it would have been better if I had never been born, and I frequently find myself thinking about death, whether through suicide or some other way. I know I'm rambling a bit here, but I just don't know a better way to express myself.

It’s all just a matter of perspective, isn't it? Sometimes it just isn't a good idea to believe everything your own thoughts tell you!

Quote:>

Nash fell ill over fifty years ago, back when the side effects of the medications used then were sometimes even worse than the illness itself! He wasn't even close to being functional, yet he completed the work that earned him a Nobel Prize before he ever received a diagnosis. He was unemployed for nearly his entire life until retirement, and even when he returned as a lecturer at Princeton, he was never fully healed.

I know a professor in London who had a schizophrenia diagnosis and lived on social security for years, but now he teaches at a university and writes incredible articles about how society treats people with psychiatric diagnoses!

Harold Anderson3 says:
Heyyy Joseph Bailey41, why don't you post your picture for us? 🙂🙂

🤣

mistybison

Donna Doyle2 said:I honestly never thought I’d be the one giving this kind of advice to anyone, but wouldn't it actually be such a relief for you to just check into a hospital for a little while and truly decompress? Wouldn't it feel amazing to just relax, hang out with people, laugh, eat some good food, grab a coffee, or even have a smoke, all while knowing deep down that you're finally safe because there are doctors and professionals right there to watch over you? They might even be able to adjust your medication to something that actually helps you feel a bit more comfortable and at peace, so don't you think that might be exactly what you need right now?

mistybison

It’s just how it works for everyone, you know? I mean, truly *everyone* without exception! It isn't even about people trying to hide their despair or whatever; it's more like you simply don't have any other choice but to cling to those few fleeting moments in a day or a week where the darkness actually lifts, only for it to come crashing back down and making everything feel even heavier than before because you had finally started to get used to the weight, right? So then you're just left waiting, aren't you, just praying to catch one of those tiny windows of good spirits where you can forget all the trauma and the absolute mess of it all for just a few minutes?

I’m telling you, it’s true for absolutely everyone, I swear! Is there even a single person on this entire planet who hasn't dealt with their fair share of absolute chaos and deep-seated trauma? You’re dealing with psychosis while your grandmother was wandering around like a lost soul and your father was never actually around to support you, but think about how many others have faced much darker paths—some survivors of horrific abuse, some raised by fathers who struggled with alcoholism and turned violent against their families, or even those who suffered physical tragedies only to be cast out by their own kin and sent away to state facilities. Some people get blindsided by betrayal in relationships until they just snap, while others face spiritual crises that leave them seeking exorcisms or living in constant trances, or perhaps someone loses a child entirely... Nobody is putting on an act here, right? People don't choose this; they simply survive because they have to, pushing through day after day just to stay upright. Honestly, what else is life if not that struggle?

mistybison

You should probably post that on an alternative forum, because they’ll likely just delete posts like that here. Isn't it just so sad that the core principle in medical training for anyone becoming a psychotherapist is to never actually engage with the content of hallucinations? The way things are approached today is just so fundamentally flawed, isn't it? They basically tell someone already experiencing a crisis that something inside them is "broken" and needs to be fixed, which is really just another way of telling them to reject their own feelings because those feelings aren't considered "correct"—as if they didn't receive enough support growing up to handle it (which is actually quite possible and often the very reason these emotional experiences happen in the first place)!

Quote:>

Harold Anderson3 says: Can psychotherapy actually change what we have lived through, and can it truly heal those deep scars we carry from our earliest childhood? If it could, wouldn't a whole lot more people be running to see a psychiatrist or a therapist? What is even the point of psychotherapy anyway? Is it meant to mold us into who we want to be, or is it just about learning to accept ourselves exactly as we are?

I honestly don't see much purpose in psychotherapy at all; I mean, you can talk to someone until the sun comes up, but nobody is ever going to be in your exact shoes, right? No one can feel your pain for you, no one can take your emotions away so you don't have to feel them anymore, and no amount of talking is going to convince you that you shouldn't feel the way you do (especially since you already know how you feel!)

Quote:>>

So, I’m a full thirty years old now, and when I look back at my life, I just feel such deep pity for myself because most of the time I've just dealt with nothing but problems, whether it was with the people around me or within myself. I don't know, maybe it would have been better if I had never been born, and I frequently find myself thinking about death, whether through suicide or some other way. I know I'm rambling a bit here, but I just don't know a better way to express myself.

It’s all just a matter of perspective, isn't it? Sometimes it just isn't a good idea to believe everything your own thoughts tell you!

Quote:>

Nash fell ill over fifty years ago, back when the side effects of the medications used then were sometimes even worse than the illness itself! He wasn't even close to being functional, yet he completed the work that earned him a Nobel Prize before he ever received a diagnosis. He was unemployed for nearly his entire life until retirement, and even when he returned as a lecturer at Princeton, he was never fully healed.

I know a professor in London who had a schizophrenia diagnosis and lived on social security for years, but now he teaches at a university and writes incredible articles about how society treats people with psychiatric diagnoses!

Harold Anderson3 says:
Heyyy Joseph Bailey41, why don't you post your picture for us? 🙂🙂

🤣

Luckily, I don't have any formal training in this field, so I've just been doing some light reading here and there. I found it really interesting... R. D. Laing I can't quite recall the name of the specific psychiatrist who worked with people during acute psychosis and achieved such incredible results. If my memory serves me right, his theory suggested that the state would resolve on its own within about 40 days, meaning the most critical thing you can do is simply ensure the patient has a supportive environment to recover in. In the meantime, other thinkers like Stanislav Grof have explored states similar to psychosis, and even Carl Jung intentionally induced those kinds of experiences in himself.

In looking through modern authors who specialize in trauma recovery, I’ve come across this idea that psychosis can actually be a way for the mind to re-experience an old, deep-seated trauma—usually something from early childhood—in an attempt to finally "flush it out of the system." It often happens when something in the present unexpectedly triggers those buried memories. Peter Levin once shared a case about a veteran who essentially had a breakdown after his wife gave birth; seeing his own child triggered such intense, suppressed memories of what he had witnessed during the war. Because of this, there's been a real shift lately toward somatic psychotherapies for severe trauma. Even things like art therapy—drawing, singing, or drumming—are becoming preferred methods. The logic is that since the trauma is stored in the body and the emotions, you have to meet it there to heal. Trying to talk your way through it using just the logical brain doesn't always cut it.

Another way to look at it is through those famous support groups—the kind that never quite took off here in the States, though they definitely have their pros and cons. On the plus side, you get to talk through things in a controlled environment with people who’ve actually walked in your shoes. It can really help take the edge off that sense of isolation and make problem-solving feel a little less daunting. On the flip side, there's a risk of getting stuck. You might find yourself circling back to a victim mentality or just dwelling on the trauma itself—kind of like how some veterans tend to stay in constant contact, endlessly rehashing their wartime experiences. For those of us who aren't experts, I think the most important thing to realize is that all trauma is fundamentally similar. Regardless of the circumstances or how old you were when it happened, we’re all dealing with something. At the end of the day, we’re all navigating the same thing: our own internal emotions and the ways we react to situations that don't actually pose a threat, even if our brains are convinced they do.

Is it just me, or have about 10 posts been deleted here? 🤔

A few of you mentioned that I really should stop wishing I could be someone else.

The thing is, I just can't bring myself to accept who I am right now.

To me, the idea of accepting yourself while simultaneously knowing you need to change feels inherently contradictory.

Think of it this way: imagine you own a car that needs constant repairs and modifications.

Sometimes it makes sense to keep working on it, but other times, it’s just easier to trade it in for a different model or something brand new.

But how exactly am I supposed to trade in my entire being for someone else or a "new" version of myself?

It’s just that whenever I see other people out there living their best lives without much trouble, I can't help but think, "Man, I wish I were anyone but me."

It feels so much simpler to daydream about being someone else, whereas trying to improve even a tiny part of myself—let alone my entire personality—feels almost impossible.

On top of that, I’m dealing with this condition of mine, where things just swing between better and worse without any predictable pattern or warning.

I was actually posting on forums like this even before I received my diagnosis. Back then, people kept trying to convince me that schizophrenia wasn't hereditary and that I was worrying over nothing. They were wrong. Now, my doctor tells me that the psychiatrists also made mistakes by failing to recognize the direction my illness was heading early enough.

Anyway, I’ll likely be heading to Washington, D.C. in about two weeks. If everything goes exactly according to my plans, the real question is whether I'll actually be happy. And what if things don't go the way I hope? 🙂

There are so many things I'd love to change about myself, especially becoming a more cheerful and social person. Does wanting that mean I don't accept myself and that I'm just trying to model myself after others?

Change, change, change...

Life is passing me by, and here I am, stuck exactly where I am.

P.S. Writing this is tough; I honestly don't know where to start. There are so many wrong turns and so few right ones. Just stumbling around randomly like this doesn't seem to lead anywhere...

Maybe it sounds like I'm just complaining, but I really am trying to change something in my life. It might just be that I'm doing it the wrong way and in the wrong place. 😵

Joseph Bailey41, what on earth are you basing this claim on—that our friend Diego is dealing with Bipolar Disorder instead of schizophrenia? Look, I’m just thinking plain and simple here: if he’s taking antipsychotics and they’re actually working to keep him functional, then the treatment is hitting the mark, which to me implies the diagnosis is schizophrenia.🤔

Though, I have to admit, there is one thing that keeps tripping me up, and that’s his grandmother, who, in my estimation, clearly struggles with bipolar disorder. He describes her like some sort of headless chicken wandering aimlessly through life, and honestly, that’s the textbook definition of bipolarity—jumping from one relationship to the next, getting bored with jobs almost instantly, blowing massive amounts of cash, and launching business ventures that are completely detached from reality. Usually, they all just end up broken and retreating back home, provided they even have a home to go back to.

Harold Anderson3 said:Is it just me, or have about 10 posts been deleted here? 🤔

A few of you mentioned that I really should stop wishing I could be someone else.

The thing is, I just can't bring myself to accept who I am right now.

To me, the idea of accepting yourself while simultaneously knowing you need to change feels inherently contradictory.

Think of it this way: imagine you own a car that needs constant repairs and modifications.

Sometimes it makes sense to keep working on it, but other times, it’s just easier to trade it in for a different model or something brand new.

But how exactly am I supposed to trade in my entire being for someone else or a "new" version of myself?

It’s just that whenever I see other people out there living their best lives without much trouble, I can't help but think, "Man, I wish I were anyone but me."

It feels so much simpler to daydream about being someone else, whereas trying to improve even a tiny part of myself—let alone my entire personality—feels almost impossible.

On top of that, I’m dealing with this condition of mine, where things just swing between better and worse without any predictable pattern or warning.

I was actually posting on forums like this even before I received my diagnosis. Back then, people kept trying to convince me that schizophrenia wasn't hereditary and that I was worrying over nothing. They were wrong. Now, my doctor tells me that the psychiatrists also made mistakes by failing to recognize the direction my illness was heading early enough.

Anyway, I’ll likely be heading to Washington, D.C. in about two weeks. If everything goes exactly according to my plans, the real question is whether I'll actually be happy. And what if things don't go the way I hope? 🙂

There are so many things I'd love to change about myself, especially becoming a more cheerful and social person. Does wanting that mean I don't accept myself and that I'm just trying to model myself after others?

Change, change, change...

Life is passing me by, and here I am, stuck exactly where I am.

P.S. Writing this is tough; I honestly don't know where to start. There are so many wrong turns and so few right ones. Just stumbling around randomly like this doesn't seem to lead anywhere...

Maybe it sounds like I'm just complaining, but I really am trying to change something in my life. It might just be that I'm doing it the wrong way and in the wrong place. 😵

I'm not quite sure how to answer you, but this is how I see it.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about how I need to change—to be more social, braver, more confident, and so on. I feel like I've succeeded in some ways, but trying to change your entire personality is complete nonsense. Besides, why would you want to? You have plenty of positive traits; I have them, and I still have them even after I've managed to "upgrade" certain parts of myself. 🍿

darksurfer4 said:Joseph Bailey41, what on earth are you basing this claim on—that our friend Diego is dealing with Bipolar Disorder instead of schizophrenia? Look, I’m just thinking plain and simple here: if he’s taking antipsychotics and they’re actually working to keep him functional, then the treatment is hitting the mark, which to me implies the diagnosis is schizophrenia.🤔

Though, I have to admit, there is one thing that keeps tripping me up, and that’s his grandmother, who, in my estimation, clearly struggles with bipolar disorder. He describes her like some sort of headless chicken wandering aimlessly through life, and honestly, that’s the textbook definition of bipolarity—jumping from one relationship to the next, getting bored with jobs almost instantly, blowing massive amounts of cash, and launching business ventures that are completely detached from reality. Usually, they all just end up broken and retreating back home, provided they even have a home to go back to.

🤣🤣
The grandma is a whole other story. She doesn't actually have a diagnosis or anything; she's just extremely eccentric. She's never even seen a psychiatrist for herself.

darksurfer4 said:I'm not quite sure how to answer you, but this is how I see it.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about how I need to change—to be more social, braver, more confident, and so on. I feel like I've succeeded in some ways, but trying to change your entire personality is complete nonsense. Besides, why would you want to? You have plenty of positive traits; I have them, and I still have them even after I've managed to "upgrade" certain parts of myself. 🍿

Something just crossed my mind.
Even though I wouldn't call myself a religious person, there is a certain sentiment here that really resonates with me.
God, grant me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept the things I cannot, and above all, the wisdom to know the difference.

darksurfer4 said:Joseph Bailey41, what on earth are you basing this claim on—that our friend Diego is dealing with Bipolar Disorder instead of schizophrenia? Look, I’m just thinking plain and simple here: if he’s taking antipsychotics and they’re actually working to keep him functional, then the treatment is hitting the mark, which to me implies the diagnosis is schizophrenia.🤔

Though, I have to admit, there is one thing that keeps tripping me up, and that’s his grandmother, who, in my estimation, clearly struggles with bipolar disorder. He describes her like some sort of headless chicken wandering aimlessly through life, and honestly, that’s the textbook definition of bipolarity—jumping from one relationship to the next, getting bored with jobs almost instantly, blowing massive amounts of cash, and launching business ventures that are completely detached from reality. Usually, they all just end up broken and retreating back home, provided they even have a home to go back to.

It's not a claim, not at all. It just sounds to me like he might not have sch... maybe he does, maybe it's something else, maybe a third thing entirely... I honestly don't know. Antipsychotics are prescribed for all sorts of things, and just because someone functions better on them doesn't prove anything. Bipolar disorder is supposedly hereditary, so if his grandmother was that way, anything is possible.

I'm not out here handing out diagnoses; I'm just saying it might be a good idea for him to get a second opinion, maybe even in Washington, D.C., if he happens to be traveling that way. Doctors in smaller towns can be a total disaster, and I'm not just talking about psychiatrists. I won't go into specific examples because I don't want to derail the thread, but I know plenty of horror stories about misdiagnoses. I mean, it's standard practice to seek a second opinion when you're diagnosed with a serious illness, just to be sure. I don't understand why that isn't as common when it comes to mental health issues.

mistybison

Harold Anderson3 said:Is it just me, or have about 10 posts been deleted here? 🤔

A few of you mentioned that I really should stop wishing I could be someone else.

The thing is, I just can't bring myself to accept who I am right now.

To me, the idea of accepting yourself while simultaneously knowing you need to change feels inherently contradictory.

Think of it this way: imagine you own a car that needs constant repairs and modifications.

Sometimes it makes sense to keep working on it, but other times, it’s just easier to trade it in for a different model or something brand new.

But how exactly am I supposed to trade in my entire being for someone else or a "new" version of myself?

It’s just that whenever I see other people out there living their best lives without much trouble, I can't help but think, "Man, I wish I were anyone but me."

It feels so much simpler to daydream about being someone else, whereas trying to improve even a tiny part of myself—let alone my entire personality—feels almost impossible.

On top of that, I’m dealing with this condition of mine, where things just swing between better and worse without any predictable pattern or warning.

I was actually posting on forums like this even before I received my diagnosis. Back then, people kept trying to convince me that schizophrenia wasn't hereditary and that I was worrying over nothing. They were wrong. Now, my doctor tells me that the psychiatrists also made mistakes by failing to recognize the direction my illness was heading early enough.

Anyway, I’ll likely be heading to Washington, D.C. in about two weeks. If everything goes exactly according to my plans, the real question is whether I'll actually be happy. And what if things don't go the way I hope? 🙂

There are so many things I'd love to change about myself, especially becoming a more cheerful and social person. Does wanting that mean I don't accept myself and that I'm just trying to model myself after others?

Change, change, change...

Life is passing me by, and here I am, stuck exactly where I am.

P.S. Writing this is tough; I honestly don't know where to start. There are so many wrong turns and so few right ones. Just stumbling around randomly like this doesn't seem to lead anywhere...

Maybe it sounds like I'm just complaining, but I really am trying to change something in my life. It might just be that I'm doing it the wrong way and in the wrong place. 😵

I read through the thread, and this one post really caught my eye:

mistybison

Joseph Bailey41 said:It is actually possible to maintain control over hallucinations. Even Tesla experienced vivid visions during his childhood, and later on, he could visualize his entire machinery in his mind's eye without ever needing to sketch it out on paper—though, of course, he had to draw them eventually just so others could help him build them. While experiencing accelerated thought processes or feeling like you're losing touch with a slower version of reality can be a bit more unsettling, it is something a person can learn to manage. (That being said, I’m definitely not suggesting that anyone—including you—should suddenly stop taking their medication and just dive headfirst into a psychotic break.)

So, one class of medication to lift you up, and another to bring you back down? In theory, that sounds like a perfect plan, but in practice, finding that sweet spot is incredibly tough. It makes me wonder—is there anything in life that can truly spark genuine joy without turning into an all-consuming obsession?

I don't know, maybe I'm off base here, but if you managed to find something like that in your life, I truly believe it would be a huge help to you.

I’m a total amateur here, but I’ve noticed something. Whenever I actually dive into something I love, hours just vanish in a heartbeat. It’s like all my life's stress gets wiped away by some kind of magic trick! That’s always been my best medicine—especially when I can get out and get some dirt under my fingernails in the great outdoors.

The real struggle is figuring out how to actually find something interesting when you're feeling totally crushed, anxious, or just overwhelmed. It’s hard to focus on anything else when your brain is stuck in a loop, obsessing over whatever is weighing you down. In those moments, nothing seems appealing because everything feels secondary to the problem at hand. I’ve found that my best bet is to just force myself into whatever activity feels even slightly more doable than sitting there spiraling.

Harold Anderson3, you’re such a grounded and genuine person to me.
You’re fully aware of what you're dealing with, and you actually talk about it openly.
I bet people struggling with the exact same issues are reading your posts, looking for something they can learn from you...

I'm with you on that! 🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:I want to thank everyone who shared their thoughts on this thread; you have all been such a huge help to me, 🙂
but I’ve realized I really need to find a professional to talk to about psychotherapy. I've been struggling with frequent thoughts of suicide lately, and honestly, it would be a tragedy not just for me, but for everyone around me too. If I can manage to bring in about $1,000 to $1,200 a month, I could set aside maybe $250 monthly to focus on my own mental health and well-being. After all, if I'm not here, none of this matters anyway.

Listen, son, reading this makes me realize how many truly "healthy" people in this world simply don't possess your level of self-awareness. It might sound trivial or even cliché, but I truly believe you have every reason to feel immensely proud of yourself for taking these steps...

Thanks so much, ladies, all three of 🙂 😉
I think everyone deals with their own version of mood swings or days where things just don't click, though I suppose mine tend to hit a little harder than most people's.

I've actually picked up quite a bit of solid advice from the people around me over the years, but the tricky part is that none of them are permanent fixtures in my life; people tend to drift in and out of your orbit.

I have plenty of chances to get out and socialize every single day, but yesterday, for instance, I spent almost the entire time just hanging out with my family at home because I simply wasn't in the headspace to be around anyone else, even though the opportunity was right there.

I can't quite put my finger on why I feel so different from everyone else, but maybe I'm just overly sensitive to what others say about me—it probably borders on paranoia if I'm being honest. I've never really been much of a social butterfly, and truthfully, it's something I'd love to work on changing.

There are moments when I feel genuinely afraid, and others where I just feel depressed. I've dealt with my fair share of humiliations and tough times in my life, and while you can't exactly erase those memories, I know you eventually have to find a way to move past them.
People can sense when you're vulnerable, and unfortunately, many will take advantage of that moment, circling like predators sensing blood in the water.

At the end of the day, it’s just part of being human, so I'm trying to keep my chin up. 🙂

Harold Anderson3 said:Is it just me, or have about 10 posts been deleted here? 🤔

A few of you mentioned that I really should stop wishing I could be someone else.

The thing is, I just can't bring myself to accept who I am right now.

To me, the idea of accepting yourself while simultaneously knowing you need to change feels inherently contradictory.

Think of it this way: imagine you own a car that needs constant repairs and modifications.

Sometimes it makes sense to keep working on it, but other times, it’s just easier to trade it in for a different model or something brand new.

But how exactly am I supposed to trade in my entire being for someone else or a "new" version of myself?

It’s just that whenever I see other people out there living their best lives without much trouble, I can't help but think, "Man, I wish I were anyone but me."

It feels so much simpler to daydream about being someone else, whereas trying to improve even a tiny part of myself—let alone my entire personality—feels almost impossible.

On top of that, I’m dealing with this condition of mine, where things just swing between better and worse without any predictable pattern or warning.

I was actually posting on forums like this even before I received my diagnosis. Back then, people kept trying to convince me that schizophrenia wasn't hereditary and that I was worrying over nothing. They were wrong. Now, my doctor tells me that the psychiatrists also made mistakes by failing to recognize the direction my illness was heading early enough.

Anyway, I’ll likely be heading to Washington, D.C. in about two weeks. If everything goes exactly according to my plans, the real question is whether I'll actually be happy. And what if things don't go the way I hope? 🙂

There are so many things I'd love to change about myself, especially becoming a more cheerful and social person. Does wanting that mean I don't accept myself and that I'm just trying to model myself after others?

Change, change, change...

Life is passing me by, and here I am, stuck exactly where I am.

P.S. Writing this is tough; I honestly don't know where to start. There are so many wrong turns and so few right ones. Just stumbling around randomly like this doesn't seem to lead anywhere...

Maybe it sounds like I'm just complaining, but I really am trying to change something in my life. It might just be that I'm doing it the wrong way and in the wrong place. 😵

I actually ended up quoting myself because of this specific thought.
It just occurred to me that this might be the underlying logic behind my relationships with others.
It feels like someone—whether it's a partner, a friend, or just an acquaintance—views me as if I were that car. If I can't be "fixed" to meet their needs, they just swap me out for someone else who fits better.

While I obviously can't just replace my entire existence with a new person, others can certainly replace me with someone who suits them more easily, which is exactly what happens.

And because of that, I struggle to accept myself, which creates this cycle where I end up feeling rejected by everyone else.

I honestly don't even know what I should be using as a foundation for my self-esteem.

Do you all base yours on your career, your profession, a degree, or maybe your family ties?

Personally, I feel like I don't have a single solid thing to hold onto in my life right now.

I realize I'm probably just rambling here, since these kinds of deep-seated issues aren't going to be solved overnight through an internet forum. But I really don't know who to turn to or even where to begin?

it feels like you've finally come to terms with yourself

Harold Anderson3 said:I actually ended up quoting myself because of this specific thought.
It just occurred to me that this might be the underlying logic behind my relationships with others.
It feels like someone—whether it's a partner, a friend, or just an acquaintance—views me as if I were that car. If I can't be "fixed" to meet their needs, they just swap me out for someone else who fits better.

While I obviously can't just replace my entire existence with a new person, others can certainly replace me with someone who suits them more easily, which is exactly what happens.

And because of that, I struggle to accept myself, which creates this cycle where I end up feeling rejected by everyone else.

I honestly don't even know what I should be using as a foundation for my self-esteem.

Do you all base yours on your career, your profession, a degree, or maybe your family ties?

Personally, I feel like I don't have a single solid thing to hold onto in my life right now.

I realize I'm probably just rambling here, since these kinds of deep-seated issues aren't going to be solved overnight through an internet forum. But I really don't know who to turn to or even where to begin?

You build it on who you are, and that isn't your job, your status, or your family. It's just you. In reality, you aren't "building" anything; you're just becoming more aware of your true self. You were born perfect. Maybe life hasn't been kind to you, but you are still who you are.

A $167dollar bill$167 is still worth its value, even if you spit on it, crumple it up, or toss it on the ground. If you don't believe me, go ahead and try it. 🤣

Harold Anderson3 said:I actually ended up quoting myself because of this specific thought.
It just occurred to me that this might be the underlying logic behind my relationships with others.
It feels like someone—whether it's a partner, a friend, or just an acquaintance—views me as if I were that car. If I can't be "fixed" to meet their needs, they just swap me out for someone else who fits better.

While I obviously can't just replace my entire existence with a new person, others can certainly replace me with someone who suits them more easily, which is exactly what happens.

And because of that, I struggle to accept myself, which creates this cycle where I end up feeling rejected by everyone else.

I honestly don't even know what I should be using as a foundation for my self-esteem.

Do you all base yours on your career, your profession, a degree, or maybe your family ties?

Personally, I feel like I don't have a single solid thing to hold onto in my life right now.

I realize I'm probably just rambling here, since these kinds of deep-seated issues aren't going to be solved overnight through an internet forum. But I really don't know who to turn to or even where to begin?

You aren't talking nonsense at all. If anything, I would suggest you articulate your predicament with a level of clarity that is quite rare. This speaks highly of your intellect and your perception of reality, though, unfortunately, it does little to alleviate the actual suffering you are experiencing.

Society tends to embrace the dim-witted optimist or the charismatic sociopath much faster than the thoughtful soul...

There is this pervasive, universal mold of values that exists everywhere, and that entire system is fundamentally broken.

I suspect a significant portion of your struggle stems from living in a society governed by such a distorted value system. Because of this, your virtues go entirely unacknowledged, while your struggles remain an insurmountable obstacle for a society that prefers conformity, leaving you isolated and out of sync.

"Life is fair!" — or so one commercial claims, but those advertisements are as mindless as most of them are.

Though I am unsure of the "how" or the "what," I can only offer my sincere hope that you find some kind of turning point for the better...