Mom left and the whole family is falling apart

Hey everyone,

I’m 25, living my own life and working my own job here in the States, but I find myself driving back to my hometown almost every weekend. My dad lives there, and since my mom walked out on him this past summer, things have gone south fast. My dad was never really the "warm and fuzzy" type, but he always showed love for my sisters and me—especially me, being the youngest. Since my older sisters are married and settled with their own families now, I’ve basically become his only lifeline. I’ve always been closer to him than to my mother, and we used to talk every single day. But ever since she left, he calls me multiple times a day just to drain me with his endless venting and wild conspiracy theories. He’s convinced the whole world is out to get him, and he constantly accuses me of being my mother's "little spy." There are times when he gets under my skin so deeply that I lose control—I end up screaming and throwing things around the room. Then, predictably, he’ll apologize and promise it won't happen again, but we both know that’s a lie. To put it bluntly, it’s emotional abuse. I’m at a total loss because nothing I’ve tried seems to change the dynamic. Honestly, with everything going on in my family, I feel completely drained of any will to live; I just want to disappear. I even told him that. Today is Friday, and we had another blowout the second I stepped through the front door. Part of me knows I should probably stop coming home, but I’m paralyzed by the fear that something terrible might happen to him if I stay away.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I could really use some advice... thanks.

Look, you’ve got your job, your own life... we’re basically the same age here—just drop by on the weekend sometimes. Or even just give me a call. And honestly? Don't take what they say so personally. Once you get older, you end up getting pissed off at everyone anyway, even the people you love most.

Try to maintain the relationship just as it was before... don't let him project his own pathology onto you. As far as that goes, maybe suggest he seek professional help? It might be worth emphasizing that you know he wasn't always this way—that there's surely an underlying cause for this behavior. People tend to process stress in vastly different ways, and their reactions can be quite unpredictable 🙂

And honestly, stay consistent for your own sake. Otherwise... well, you're just inviting trouble until the very end. Pathology is contagious. I'm not saying you'll become identical to him, but you've already mentioned the issues he's causing you. Who knows how much you've had to manage on the fly throughout your life? You say you've become independent and built your own life, but coming from a family dynamic like this, I find it hard to believe everything was ever truly seamless or went exactly according to plan, whether people realized it at the time or not

Situations like this don't just happen overnight. Life partners often find themselves in these circumstances only because they've been living in a state of delusion, deceiving both those around them and themselves

Though, I suppose I am being perhaps too absorbed in "their" pathology, even if I am merely speculating, generalizing, and making assessments based on my own limited experiences and what I see in my own circles

In any case, hold fast to the systems and structures that have made your life productive and opened doors for you. Don't destroy yourself. Realistically, you cannot live his life for him, nor can you solve his problems. If you end up feeding into his pathology, you'll likely only end up hurting both him and yourself 🤷

Good luck

Megan Flores6 said:Hey everyone,

I’m 25, living my own life and working my own job here in the States, but I find myself driving back to my hometown almost every weekend. My dad lives there, and since my mom walked out on him this past summer, things have gone south fast. My dad was never really the "warm and fuzzy" type, but he always showed love for my sisters and me—especially me, being the youngest. Since my older sisters are married and settled with their own families now, I’ve basically become his only lifeline. I’ve always been closer to him than to my mother, and we used to talk every single day. But ever since she left, he calls me multiple times a day just to drain me with his endless venting and wild conspiracy theories. He’s convinced the whole world is out to get him, and he constantly accuses me of being my mother's "little spy." There are times when he gets under my skin so deeply that I lose control—I end up screaming and throwing things around the room. Then, predictably, he’ll apologize and promise it won't happen again, but we both know that’s a lie. To put it bluntly, it’s emotional abuse. I’m at a total loss because nothing I’ve tried seems to change the dynamic. Honestly, with everything going on in my family, I feel completely drained of any will to live; I just want to disappear. I even told him that. Today is Friday, and we had another blowout the second I stepped through the front door. Part of me knows I should probably stop coming home, but I’m paralyzed by the fear that something terrible might happen to him if I stay away.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I could really use some advice... thanks.

He’s lost, and you’re the only one left. You're carrying the guilt, feeling like you have to let him pull you under like a drowning man. Your job is to ensure you don't become like him—out of control. You need to focus on yourself and learn how to set healthy boundaries so you don't let those "drowning" people drag you down with them. It's dangerous. You aren't responsible for others; you are only responsible for your own actions. The same applies to him. This is your burden to carry. It's a common struggle for those raised to be rescuers.

Look, you are absolutely not responsible for your parents' happiness, and you shouldn't let them drag you down with them.
Why did the mother leave in the first place? Is it really because they couldn't communicate? She needs to take ownership of her own marriage falling apart instead of forcing you into those ridiculous positions where you're expected to pick sides between Mom and Dad. That kind of behavior is incredibly immature.

Megan Flores6 said:Hey everyone,

I’m 25, living my own life and working my own job here in the States, but I find myself driving back to my hometown almost every weekend. My dad lives there, and since my mom walked out on him this past summer, things have gone south fast. My dad was never really the "warm and fuzzy" type, but he always showed love for my sisters and me—especially me, being the youngest. Since my older sisters are married and settled with their own families now, I’ve basically become his only lifeline. I’ve always been closer to him than to my mother, and we used to talk every single day. But ever since she left, he calls me multiple times a day just to drain me with his endless venting and wild conspiracy theories. He’s convinced the whole world is out to get him, and he constantly accuses me of being my mother's "little spy." There are times when he gets under my skin so deeply that I lose control—I end up screaming and throwing things around the room. Then, predictably, he’ll apologize and promise it won't happen again, but we both know that’s a lie. To put it bluntly, it’s emotional abuse. I’m at a total loss because nothing I’ve tried seems to change the dynamic. Honestly, with everything going on in my family, I feel completely drained of any will to live; I just want to disappear. I even told him that. Today is Friday, and we had another blowout the second I stepped through the front door. Part of me knows I should probably stop coming home, but I’m paralyzed by the fear that something terrible might happen to him if I stay away.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I could really use some advice... thanks.

Just run. You have your own life and career; call him once in a while and set boundaries.
He's going to blame you for everything. Focus on yourself. You'll hear stories like this all the time. You're an adult, and you have the right to make your own choices; let them deal with their own mess however they see fit. And has anyone else noticed how much more common it is lately for women to be the ones leaving, rather than men? It feels like people are getting more aggressive too. Every story has two sides to it.

Megan Flores6 said:Hey everyone,

I’m 25, living my own life and working my own job here in the States, but I find myself driving back to my hometown almost every weekend. My dad lives there, and since my mom walked out on him this past summer, things have gone south fast. My dad was never really the "warm and fuzzy" type, but he always showed love for my sisters and me—especially me, being the youngest. Since my older sisters are married and settled with their own families now, I’ve basically become his only lifeline. I’ve always been closer to him than to my mother, and we used to talk every single day. But ever since she left, he calls me multiple times a day just to drain me with his endless venting and wild conspiracy theories. He’s convinced the whole world is out to get him, and he constantly accuses me of being my mother's "little spy." There are times when he gets under my skin so deeply that I lose control—I end up screaming and throwing things around the room. Then, predictably, he’ll apologize and promise it won't happen again, but we both know that’s a lie. To put it bluntly, it’s emotional abuse. I’m at a total loss because nothing I’ve tried seems to change the dynamic. Honestly, with everything going on in my family, I feel completely drained of any will to live; I just want to disappear. I even told him that. Today is Friday, and we had another blowout the second I stepped through the front door. Part of me knows I should probably stop coming home, but I’m paralyzed by the fear that something terrible might happen to him if I stay away.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I could really use some advice... thanks.

Look, you can't change your father.

But you can work on yourself.

What you just wrote is—honestly—really bad. No one, ever, under any circumstances, should be getting you so worked up that you're screaming and smashing things... especially not "many times." If someone is reacting like that to being provoked—and honestly, it doesn't even matter who's provoking you or what was actually said—that sounds like a massive issue with anger management.
The thing is, you need to deal with how you handle stress, not your dad's issues with your mom or whatever else is going on. Saying "Mom left and the whole family fell apart" isn't the core issue here... the real issue is "I don't know how to cope with my own emotions."

That's where you really need to put in the work and find some professional help.

His whole life is spiraling. It’s obvious he can't cope, and there's a very high chance he’s dealing with some serious mental health struggles. Right now, you're the only person he feels he can actually rely on.

I get that you care about him, I really do, but you aren't going to fix anything by letting yourself get sucked into such a toxic dynamic.

If you truly want to help him, try talking to him calmly from a distance. When he starts pushing those conspiracy theories, meet them with solid arguments and explain why his claims just don't hold water. Getting angry or losing your cool won't achieve a thing.

Also, you have sisters—reach out to them and get them involved in this family crisis. You shouldn't be carrying this weight on your own; it's clearly taking a toll on you, too.

Ultimately, I think both of you could benefit from professional counseling. Though, if I'm being honest, I suspect someone like him is going to be incredibly difficult to convince.

Look, everyone goes through different seasons in life where they experience all sorts of things and their behavior shifts completely! If I’m reading you right, you and your husband used to be incredibly close and had such a great connection, didn't you? But now, he’s just going through a total breakdown—not even in a clinical sense, but just that feeling of being totally shattered and hitting rock bottom. When people go through a breakup after two years, it can take them three more years just to find themselves again between the depression and the obsession, so can you imagine how much harder it is after years of marriage and raising kids together? There are all these stages he has to navigate, like grief, anger, guilt, or even that flickering hope that things will fix themselves, and honestly, there isn't a manual for it! I really think it helps him immensely that he has you to vent to. You don't necessarily need to say anything profound; sometimes just being there and showing genuine empathy is everything. He's probably not heading to a local pub to pour his heart out to his buddies, and honestly, it’s probably for the best that he isn't trying to drown it all in whiskey.

Based on what you've shared, I don't see him as a toxic person at all, but rather someone who has simply lost his footing and is drowning in intense pain. As hysterical or irrational as he seems right now, this too shall pass!

Now, you mentioned that dealing with this is becoming way too exhausting for you, and hey, you have every right to feel that way because you don't owe anyone your mental health! Even if he knows he's draining you, he likely just doesn't have the strength to stop himself from unloading. It’s going to keep spilling out of him at every single opportunity because he's just so full of it—it’s like when you're sick and the infection just has to break through.

So, the ball is in your court to decide how to handle this and whether you need to step back and create some distance. You said you're worried that something might happen to him, but truly, nothing is going to happen; he will find a way to get through this on his own. At the end of the day, we all eventually realize that we have to face our own struggles alone, because no matter how much we try to offload our burdens onto others, nobody can actually feel the pain for us.

Brandon Newman95 said:Just run. You have your own life and career; call him once in a while and set boundaries.
He's going to blame you for everything. Focus on yourself. You'll hear stories like this all the time. You're an adult, and you have the right to make your own choices; let them deal with their own mess however they see fit. And has anyone else noticed how much more common it is lately for women to be the ones leaving, rather than men? It feels like people are getting more aggressive too. Every story has two sides to it.

The reality is simply that women aren't financially dependent anymore, so they aren't stuck in bad relationships.
That's all there is to it. That's why they leave. In the past, they just had to endure it.

boldnomad45 said:The reality is simply that women aren't financially dependent anymore, so they aren't stuck in bad relationships.
That's all there is to it. That's why they leave. In the past, they just had to endure it.

Yeah, sure, but have you guys noticed how much more proactive women are being lately? Like, they’re actually choosing men now, making the first move, taking charge... it's different. For all the good stuff about living in the 21st century, there's definitely a flip side to it too.

Jane Doe

Donna Doyle2 said:Look, everyone goes through different seasons in life where they experience all sorts of things and their behavior shifts completely! If I’m reading you right, you and your husband used to be incredibly close and had such a great connection, didn't you? But now, he’s just going through a total breakdown—not even in a clinical sense, but just that feeling of being totally shattered and hitting rock bottom. When people go through a breakup after two years, it can take them three more years just to find themselves again between the depression and the obsession, so can you imagine how much harder it is after years of marriage and raising kids together? There are all these stages he has to navigate, like grief, anger, guilt, or even that flickering hope that things will fix themselves, and honestly, there isn't a manual for it! I really think it helps him immensely that he has you to vent to. You don't necessarily need to say anything profound; sometimes just being there and showing genuine empathy is everything. He's probably not heading to a local pub to pour his heart out to his buddies, and honestly, it’s probably for the best that he isn't trying to drown it all in whiskey.

Based on what you've shared, I don't see him as a toxic person at all, but rather someone who has simply lost his footing and is drowning in intense pain. As hysterical or irrational as he seems right now, this too shall pass!

Now, you mentioned that dealing with this is becoming way too exhausting for you, and hey, you have every right to feel that way because you don't owe anyone your mental health! Even if he knows he's draining you, he likely just doesn't have the strength to stop himself from unloading. It’s going to keep spilling out of him at every single opportunity because he's just so full of it—it’s like when you're sick and the infection just has to break through.

So, the ball is in your court to decide how to handle this and whether you need to step back and create some distance. You said you're worried that something might happen to him, but truly, nothing is going to happen; he will find a way to get through this on his own. At the end of the day, we all eventually realize that we have to face our own struggles alone, because no matter how much we try to offload our burdens onto others, nobody can actually feel the pain for us.

It might be better for him, sure, but she's being poisoned by his baggage. She needs to realize she isn't obligated to act as his emotional dumping ground, regardless of the fact that he's her father. She's in a bad place herself, and she isn't a therapist. I don't think it's any better for him to take it out on her than it would be for him to hit the bar and become an alcoholic. There are other paths—like seeking professional help or reaching out to support groups—to figure out a way to actually help him.

Jane Doe
:

Based on what you wrote, I wouldn't label him a toxic person. It sounds more like someone who has lost their footing and is in deep pain. As hysterical and irrational as he seems right now, this phase will pass.

Or it won't, especially if he’s dealt with similar issues before—the kind of stuff that drives a spouse away.
In relation to her, he *is* being toxic, and she can't fix this alone because she's struggling too.

I agree with the rest of the sentiment. Nothing catastrophic is going to happen to him, and the fear that he'll suffer if she isn't constantly by his side shouldn't stop her from stepping back for a while to get herself sorted out.

By the way, I'm not saying empathy is a bad thing, but sometimes excessive empathy just turns a person into a punching bag.

Brandon Newman95 said:Yeah, sure, but have you guys noticed how much more proactive women are being lately? Like, they’re actually choosing men now, making the first move, taking charge... it's different. For all the good stuff about living in the 21st century, there's definitely a flip side to it too.

I haven't seen that. Where I am, the patriarchy is still going strong. Women with degrees and solid careers are still being treated as subordinates to men, both at work and at home. There are exceptions, sure, but they're the exception, not the rule.

boldnomad45 said:I haven't seen that. Where I am, the patriarchy is still going strong. Women with degrees and solid careers are still being treated as subordinates to men, both at work and at home. There are exceptions, sure, but they're the exception, not the rule.

It’s actually kind of the opposite where I live, though honestly, it's a mix of both. I mean, I can't argue with the fact that America is still a pretty patriarchal society overall. Also, regarding the OP—if she wants to keep her sanity, she needs to start calling people out. These kinds of scenes are just going to keep happening more and more often if nobody speaks up.

Terry Lopez18 said:Look, you are absolutely not responsible for your parents' happiness, and you shouldn't let them drag you down with them.
Why did the mother leave in the first place? Is it really because they couldn't communicate? She needs to take ownership of her own marriage falling apart instead of forcing you into those ridiculous positions where you're expected to pick sides between Mom and Dad. That kind of behavior is incredibly immature.

She walked out with someone else. Just vanished. She waited until he wasn't home and packed up everything one day without saying a word.
Exactly. They spent their entire lives psychologically tearing each other down. On paper, it looked like a perfect marriage—they did everything together, lived in sync, the whole nine yards—but underneath, it was doomed. My mom was the one who finally snapped and just walked away from it all. Honestly, I think she was just waiting for us to get busy with our own lives so she could make her exit quietly.

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Sean Cruz said:His whole life is spiraling. It’s obvious he can't cope, and there's a very high chance he’s dealing with some serious mental health struggles. Right now, you're the only person he feels he can actually rely on.

I get that you care about him, I really do, but you aren't going to fix anything by letting yourself get sucked into such a toxic dynamic.

If you truly want to help him, try talking to him calmly from a distance. When he starts pushing those conspiracy theories, meet them with solid arguments and explain why his claims just don't hold water. Getting angry or losing your cool won't achieve a thing.

Also, you have sisters—reach out to them and get them involved in this family crisis. You shouldn't be carrying this weight on your own; it's clearly taking a toll on you, too.

Ultimately, I think both of you could benefit from professional counseling. Though, if I'm being honest, I suspect someone like him is going to be incredibly difficult to convince.

The truth is, he thinks I'm his only support system, and that's pretty much accurate. Because of his temperament, he's managed to alienate my sister and her family, even though they live on the same street. My other sister lives halfway across the country, so she's not really in the loop with these family dramas. They don't feel obligated to bail him out, and honestly, I don't blame them.

But me? I feel that weight. Especially when he looks at me and says I'm the only one he has left.

I know exposing myself to this is unhealthy, but like you said, we both need professional intervention. Both him and me. I recognize that, but he’ll never admit it, let alone ask for it. Every time I try to approach things gently or present a different perspective, he just shuts me down.

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The truth is, he genuinely believes I’m the only person left in his corner, and honestly, he isn't entirely wrong. He has this incredibly difficult temperament—the kind that burns bridges without even trying. He actually managed to pick a fight with his sister and her entire family, and they all live on the same street here in the suburbs. His other sister lives halfway across the country, so she’s effectively sidelined from all this domestic drama. Neither of them feels any obligation to step up and deal with him, and frankly, I can't say I blame them for staying away.
I, however, feel that weight on my shoulders, especially when he pulls the "you're the only one I have" card.

I realize it’s probably not healthy for me to be so deeply enmeshed in this, but like you mentioned, we both need professional help. Both him and me. I recognize that reality and accept it, but of course, he'll never admit it, let alone actually seek it out. Every single time I try to bring it up gently or frame it as a constructive way forward, he just shuts me down with total disapproval.

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Jane Doe

Megan Flores6 said:The truth is, he genuinely believes I’m the only person left in his corner, and honestly, he isn't entirely wrong. He has this incredibly difficult temperament—the kind that burns bridges without even trying. He actually managed to pick a fight with his sister and her entire family, and they all live on the same street here in the suburbs. His other sister lives halfway across the country, so she’s effectively sidelined from all this domestic drama. Neither of them feels any obligation to step up and deal with him, and frankly, I can't say I blame them for staying away.
I, however, feel that weight on my shoulders, especially when he pulls the "you're the only one I have" card.

I realize it’s probably not healthy for me to be so deeply enmeshed in this, but like you mentioned, we both need professional help. Both him and me. I recognize that reality and accept it, but of course, he'll never admit it, let alone actually seek it out. Every single time I try to bring it up gently or frame it as a constructive way forward, he just shuts me down with total disapproval.

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My mother has been unhappy her whole life, and she constantly hammers home that same line: that I'm the only thing she has.
That is a burden—an absolutely crushing burden—so I completely empathize with you.
I went through the same thing until I realized I was losing my mind. You are in that exact spot right now, and your mental health is at stake. You have to save yourself, because who else is going to do it? Tell me, who is going to step in when you lose control, or when things go too far?
Parents like this know exactly how to drain their children (usually one child in particular) and trap them, to the point where they never start their own lives because they spend every waking moment catering to a dysfunctional, toxic parent.
You are going to need professional support, so please, start looking into it immediately. Since this situation is still in the early stages, it’s best to act now. Every word you say and every reaction you have to his provocations is going to shape your relationship moving forward, so please be careful. These types latch onto everything; they will twist anything you say or do just to trigger your guilt. They are absolute masters at that.

Megan Flores6 said:The truth is, he genuinely believes I’m the only person left in his corner, and honestly, he isn't entirely wrong. He has this incredibly difficult temperament—the kind that burns bridges without even trying. He actually managed to pick a fight with his sister and her entire family, and they all live on the same street here in the suburbs. His other sister lives halfway across the country, so she’s effectively sidelined from all this domestic drama. Neither of them feels any obligation to step up and deal with him, and frankly, I can't say I blame them for staying away.
I, however, feel that weight on my shoulders, especially when he pulls the "you're the only one I have" card.

I realize it’s probably not healthy for me to be so deeply enmeshed in this, but like you mentioned, we both need professional help. Both him and me. I recognize that reality and accept it, but of course, he'll never admit it, let alone actually seek it out. Every single time I try to bring it up gently or frame it as a constructive way forward, he just shuts me down with total disapproval.

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Your mom basically waited until all three of her daughters were independent before finally making her break for it from a husband with a temper like that.
Your old man is clearly playing a dirty hand by leaning so hard on the sympathy card. Don't let him pull you into that trap! You mentioned he loves you most because you're the youngest, but what does that actually get you? Just more harassment via phone calls until you're ready to lose it and start smashing things around the house?
Just tell him straight up that you have your own life and he needs to back off. Give him a call every once in a while to check in, and leave it at that.

You know that old saying—you can do whatever you want, just not for as long as you want.
It’s pretty obvious that was the mindset behind the author's mom when she finally walked out on her husband—who, let's be honest, sounds like he spent his whole life making her miserable.

Dammit
I deal with this dynamic with my brother from time to time
Essentially, he drags me right into his mess through both his words and his body language
And before I know it, I find myself feeling this strange, sudden surge of aggression bubbling up inside me.