Pure malice, antisocial behavior, or something else? Need help, I'm confused.

First off, a big hello to everyone. I’m honestly not even sure if this is the right place for this kind of thing, but I can’t find anywhere else that fits.

So, here’s the situation. I have a 20-year-old sister who has been, frankly, a very strange person since she was little. I’m not trying to sugarcoat anything here. Even back when we were kids, she used to get this weird thrill out of it when our parents blamed me for things she actually did. I just got used to it, and at the time, I didn't think it really shaped who I am. We just brushed it off as childhood stuff. But a few years ago, the real trouble started. She dealt with so much bullying at school that we had to move her to different classes because she just couldn't fit in anywhere. We did everything in our power to help her and make her feel comfortable in her own skin. Around that time, she started taking Pfizer and some sleeping pills that a psychologist in Washington, D.C. recommended. Things stabilized slightly, but then high school hit. Same story—bullying issues again. We moved her grades around, eventually transferring her to a different school entirely. Suddenly, everything changed. She became completely narcissistic. I figured, okay, it's just puberty, we can handle it. We put up with it for three years. By senior year, it turned into a total disaster. Our relationship deteriorated completely; the nicest thing she’d say to me was "You're stupid!" Her relationship with our parents was even worse. She would insult my dad in every way imaginable, and the worst part was when she’d stand right in front of him, screaming about how little he’s ever done for her. (And let me be clear: our parents have provided us with ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in life). She treated my mom even worse—it reached a point I don't even want to write down. Things calmed down briefly when she went back on the Pfizer.

Then, we find out Mom is sick. Multiple sclerosis. There was still a semblance of peace. Then, just a few months later, things took an even darker turn when Mom found a lump in her breast and had to undergo surgery. It was cancer. The fight began, and we all tried our best to stay positive and help however we could. Everyone except my sister. Out of nowhere, she gets even worse. She starts gaslighting Mom, telling her she’s the reason she has cancer, and she hammers away at her with that guilt every single day. Mom cries every day, and Dad is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. In the last month alone, I’ve had to beg Dad twice not to kick her out of the house. I know I’m wrong for doing that, but she's my sister. The situation won't settle down; she insults everyone, including our cat! (Yes, it sounds ridiculous), nothing is ever good enough for her, she thinks she's the only smart one, and she keeps piling guilt on Mom.

The breaking point happened yesterday. Since I have a job and my own income, Mom gave me a little gift, which she hasn't done in a long time. My sister absolutely lost it. Once again, the verbal abuse toward Mom and me started. Today, she’s giving us the cold shoulder, and she is entirely responsible for Mom's tears.

I want to go back to our relationship, which used to be good. Once. I remember one day talking to her calmly about relationships. I meant sexual ones, and I told her she shouldn't feel ashamed and that she had my support, suggesting she come to me for protection or advice if she didn't want to ask Mom, though I mentioned sex wasn't really my thing. She said she'd ask me about everything. Well, today I found out she performed oral sex on the son of our parents' close family friends. Who? My sister, apparently. I am in total shock.

To clarify that last part, we know the names of a couple of her friends, but we only know what two of them look like. She never brings anyone home, even though our parents are wonderful people. I always brought my friends over, including my boyfriend. That's normal to me. When she goes out into the city, she rarely says where she actually is, and she has spent New Year's Eve alone for the last three years. We essentially know nothing about her. She lives one life with us, and a completely different one outside. Please, help me.

Sorry for this long, messy post; I'm just feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now. Any advice is welcome...

It’s honestly pretty impossible to pin down exactly what’s going on inside her head or what her life is actually like right now. You can only really step in and help if she actually lets you in.

But look, I know you don't deserve to be treated like that—not at all. My advice? Try to stay calm when she starts lashing out at you instead of getting defensive or swinging back. It feels counterintuitive, I know, but if she's just trying to get a rise out of you, she'll eventually run out of steam once she realizes she isn't getting a reaction. Try leaning into questions instead—stuff that forces her to break that wall down. Like, ask things such as, "How are you actually feeling?" or "Why did that specific thing hurt you?" or even "What do you actually want out of life?"—you know, stuff that makes her pause and reflect.

I realize how incredibly tough it is to deal with someone acting this way toward you, but honestly, I don't know any better way to handle it.

The streets and the drugs are just waiting for her... at least, that’s how my grandma used to say it.

I think your parents are great, really, except for one thing—they might have spoiled her a bit too much. Are you feeling confused about it? Maybe a firm wake-up call is what she needs to finally snap out of it.

I suppose it seems to me like the whole family has been treating her with this heavy-handed, paternalistic attitude, almost as if she lacks any mental capacity at all. She probably senses that kind of patronizing behavior as a subtle form of aggression, which then leads her to lash out in return. At the same time, being treated that way might be causing some internal turmoil or a sort of soul-searching conflict, because while part of her might actually enjoy having someone else manage her problems and look after her—which naturally encourages that childlike dependency—another part of her likely just craves total independence and true maturity.

casualmoose27 said:First off, a big hello to everyone. I’m honestly not even sure if this is the right place for this kind of thing, but I can’t find anywhere else that fits.

So, here’s the situation. I have a 20-year-old sister who has been, frankly, a very strange person since she was little. I’m not trying to sugarcoat anything here. Even back when we were kids, she used to get this weird thrill out of it when our parents blamed me for things she actually did. I just got used to it, and at the time, I didn't think it really shaped who I am. We just brushed it off as childhood stuff. But a few years ago, the real trouble started. She dealt with so much bullying at school that we had to move her to different classes because she just couldn't fit in anywhere. We did everything in our power to help her and make her feel comfortable in her own skin. Around that time, she started taking Pfizer and some sleeping pills that a psychologist in Washington, D.C. recommended. Things stabilized slightly, but then high school hit. Same story—bullying issues again. We moved her grades around, eventually transferring her to a different school entirely. Suddenly, everything changed. She became completely narcissistic. I figured, okay, it's just puberty, we can handle it. We put up with it for three years. By senior year, it turned into a total disaster. Our relationship deteriorated completely; the nicest thing she’d say to me was "You're stupid!" Her relationship with our parents was even worse. She would insult my dad in every way imaginable, and the worst part was when she’d stand right in front of him, screaming about how little he’s ever done for her. (And let me be clear: our parents have provided us with ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in life). She treated my mom even worse—it reached a point I don't even want to write down. Things calmed down briefly when she went back on the Pfizer.

Then, we find out Mom is sick. Multiple sclerosis. There was still a semblance of peace. Then, just a few months later, things took an even darker turn when Mom found a lump in her breast and had to undergo surgery. It was cancer. The fight began, and we all tried our best to stay positive and help however we could. Everyone except my sister. Out of nowhere, she gets even worse. She starts gaslighting Mom, telling her she’s the reason she has cancer, and she hammers away at her with that guilt every single day. Mom cries every day, and Dad is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. In the last month alone, I’ve had to beg Dad twice not to kick her out of the house. I know I’m wrong for doing that, but she's my sister. The situation won't settle down; she insults everyone, including our cat! (Yes, it sounds ridiculous), nothing is ever good enough for her, she thinks she's the only smart one, and she keeps piling guilt on Mom.

The breaking point happened yesterday. Since I have a job and my own income, Mom gave me a little gift, which she hasn't done in a long time. My sister absolutely lost it. Once again, the verbal abuse toward Mom and me started. Today, she’s giving us the cold shoulder, and she is entirely responsible for Mom's tears.

I want to go back to our relationship, which used to be good. Once. I remember one day talking to her calmly about relationships. I meant sexual ones, and I told her she shouldn't feel ashamed and that she had my support, suggesting she come to me for protection or advice if she didn't want to ask Mom, though I mentioned sex wasn't really my thing. She said she'd ask me about everything. Well, today I found out she performed oral sex on the son of our parents' close family friends. Who? My sister, apparently. I am in total shock.

To clarify that last part, we know the names of a couple of her friends, but we only know what two of them look like. She never brings anyone home, even though our parents are wonderful people. I always brought my friends over, including my boyfriend. That's normal to me. When she goes out into the city, she rarely says where she actually is, and she has spent New Year's Eve alone for the last three years. We essentially know nothing about her. She lives one life with us, and a completely different one outside. Please, help me.

Sorry for this long, messy post; I'm just feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now. Any advice is welcome...

It honestly blows my mind how much people are willing to overlook bad behavior just because of a blood relation. So what if she’s your sister? If she were a murderer, would that somehow make her actions okay in your eyes?
Why on earth would you shield and enable someone acting like this?
There has to be a line somewhere, whether it's a sister, a parent, a kid, or a spouse...

She clearly has issues, and by protecting her and catering to her every whim, you aren't helping her at all—let alone making life easier for yourselves. All this does is give her the impression that whatever she pulls, she'll be forgiven. She'll never respect you or listen to you this way.
She’s the last person who deserves pity here.
Your mother is dealing with health issues, but should you really have to put up with this?
Do it for her, if you won't do it for yourself.

If I were in your shoes, I’d lay down some serious ultimatums.
Therapy—so she can actually figure out what's wrong since she refuses to talk to you about it.
I don't know if she's working or in school... whatever, she needs to get a job.
Zero tolerance for toxic behavior. If she wants to be nasty during a conversation, fine, then there's nothing left to talk about.
Since she’s already eaten up so much of your time, I’d also set a deadline for when she actually needs to show some progress.
Set boundaries, establish rules, and actually stick to them.
For this to work, everyone in the family has to be on the same page. If she spots one weak link, she’ll exploit it and everything will go right back to how it was.

If there’s no change, or even a desire to change, I’d wish her the best and show her the door.

Thanks for all the input, everyone. Let me address a few things first. To be clear, we never treated her like she was somehow less important than the rest of us. On the flip side, because she was younger than both of us, the extended family tended to treat her like a toddler. Aside from Mom and Dad, who were actually reasonable about it and didn't play favorites, everyone else acted that way.

She isn't working or even in school right now. She tried working as a waitress, but she hated it, so she spent a month doing some telemarketing gig, but she didn't make a dime. She can't even handle basic stuff like registering at the unemployment office on her own, yet she’s constantly screaming about how she’s an adult and that we need to leave her alone. But the second she needs something—forgive my language—she’s all about asking Mom and Dad for money. Sometimes she even hits me up. Then suddenly, everything is fine.

I posted yesterday about the issue from the day before. Well, she finally apologized to Mom yesterday. Mom is shaken up, but honestly, the apology means nothing to me because I know the exact same thing is going to happen again in a few days. It’ll be when she needs something.

I am seriously fed up with all of this...

Look, I’m definitely no expert here, but honestly, anything is on the table—we could be talking about anything from full-on psychopathy or narcissism to PTSD, or maybe even ADHD, schizophrenia, or just someone being a straight-up rebel. Does this person take advantage of those who can't defend themselves, like animals or something? And what was she even prescribed Fever for in the first place? If her behavior is getting this weird, I really think she needs to head back to the psychiatrist for another look.

casualmoose27 said:First off, a big hello to everyone. I’m honestly not even sure if this is the right place for this kind of thing, but I can’t find anywhere else that fits.

So, here’s the situation. I have a 20-year-old sister who has been, frankly, a very strange person since she was little. I’m not trying to sugarcoat anything here. Even back when we were kids, she used to get this weird thrill out of it when our parents blamed me for things she actually did. I just got used to it, and at the time, I didn't think it really shaped who I am. We just brushed it off as childhood stuff. But a few years ago, the real trouble started. She dealt with so much bullying at school that we had to move her to different classes because she just couldn't fit in anywhere. We did everything in our power to help her and make her feel comfortable in her own skin. Around that time, she started taking Pfizer and some sleeping pills that a psychologist in Washington, D.C. recommended. Things stabilized slightly, but then high school hit. Same story—bullying issues again. We moved her grades around, eventually transferring her to a different school entirely. Suddenly, everything changed. She became completely narcissistic. I figured, okay, it's just puberty, we can handle it. We put up with it for three years. By senior year, it turned into a total disaster. Our relationship deteriorated completely; the nicest thing she’d say to me was "You're stupid!" Her relationship with our parents was even worse. She would insult my dad in every way imaginable, and the worst part was when she’d stand right in front of him, screaming about how little he’s ever done for her. (And let me be clear: our parents have provided us with ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in life). She treated my mom even worse—it reached a point I don't even want to write down. Things calmed down briefly when she went back on the Pfizer.

Then, we find out Mom is sick. Multiple sclerosis. There was still a semblance of peace. Then, just a few months later, things took an even darker turn when Mom found a lump in her breast and had to undergo surgery. It was cancer. The fight began, and we all tried our best to stay positive and help however we could. Everyone except my sister. Out of nowhere, she gets even worse. She starts gaslighting Mom, telling her she’s the reason she has cancer, and she hammers away at her with that guilt every single day. Mom cries every day, and Dad is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. In the last month alone, I’ve had to beg Dad twice not to kick her out of the house. I know I’m wrong for doing that, but she's my sister. The situation won't settle down; she insults everyone, including our cat! (Yes, it sounds ridiculous), nothing is ever good enough for her, she thinks she's the only smart one, and she keeps piling guilt on Mom.

The breaking point happened yesterday. Since I have a job and my own income, Mom gave me a little gift, which she hasn't done in a long time. My sister absolutely lost it. Once again, the verbal abuse toward Mom and me started. Today, she’s giving us the cold shoulder, and she is entirely responsible for Mom's tears.

I want to go back to our relationship, which used to be good. Once. I remember one day talking to her calmly about relationships. I meant sexual ones, and I told her she shouldn't feel ashamed and that she had my support, suggesting she come to me for protection or advice if she didn't want to ask Mom, though I mentioned sex wasn't really my thing. She said she'd ask me about everything. Well, today I found out she performed oral sex on the son of our parents' close family friends. Who? My sister, apparently. I am in total shock.

To clarify that last part, we know the names of a couple of her friends, but we only know what two of them look like. She never brings anyone home, even though our parents are wonderful people. I always brought my friends over, including my boyfriend. That's normal to me. When she goes out into the city, she rarely says where she actually is, and she has spent New Year's Eve alone for the last three years. We essentially know nothing about her. She lives one life with us, and a completely different one outside. Please, help me.

Sorry for this long, messy post; I'm just feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now. Any advice is welcome...

Look, I personally believe we all have this constant tug-of-war between good and bad inside us—it's like a scale that's supposed to stay somewhat balanced. But the real issue here is how people shut down completely the second they're hit with a topic or a question they just aren't ready to face. It's like they physically can't help but show how much it's eating at them; they just can't bottle it up. It’s a massive problem because, in my eyes, it usually stems from a lack of self-confidence, which leads to a complete breakdown in trust—either they don't trust anyone, or they've been burned by the wrong people in the past. Unfortunately, once someone gets to that point, they become incredibly guarded, and when they finally *do* decide to open up, it's like a dam breaking—just a massive flood of info—and they usually end up folding under whatever pressure they feel is stronger than they are. Honestly, the best move would be to see if you could get someone from her inner circle to weigh in, though let's be real, most friends are going to play dumb because they don't want to blow up a friendship. I deal with this exact same struggle myself, so I pretty much know the drill...

If you ever need to vent or just talk things out, shoot me a DM...

I was actually reading an article about ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) today. It was my first time hearing about this psychological issue, and based on what you wrote regarding your sister, she seems to have the exact same "symptoms"...

John Palmer9 said:I suppose it seems to me like the whole family has been treating her with this heavy-handed, paternalistic attitude, almost as if she lacks any mental capacity at all. She probably senses that kind of patronizing behavior as a subtle form of aggression, which then leads her to lash out in return. At the same time, being treated that way might be causing some internal turmoil or a sort of soul-searching conflict, because while part of her might actually enjoy having someone else manage her problems and look after her—which naturally encourages that childlike dependency—another part of her likely just craves total independence and true maturity.

I consider myself an innovator regarding theories on how men and women think, act, and navigate their complex intersections. Provided this sister isn't being abusive or inciting violence, the situation could actually improve through serious dialogue rooted in respecting opposing perspectives. My first recommendation? The sisters need to sit down and discuss their differing ways of thinking—specifically regarding gender roles—to identify where they align and where they clash in their worldview. Once they do that, without any malice, they should work together to talk to Mom. They need to explain that this "defiant" sister doesn't fit the classic female mold Mom likely expects her to inhabit. Reaching a mutual understanding could lower the tension for Mom, allowing her to focus more on her own recovery. As for Dad, she should have an open conversation about whether she envisions a traditional or modern relationship dynamic; talking it out would help her adapt to the current reality while still maintaining her core identity. If things start getting heated during these talks, just stop—walk away and pick it up later once everyone has cooled off. That rule applies to everyone involved.