How do I break free from my own illusions?

I honestly don't know how to put this into words, but spending thirty minutes face-to-face with someone doesn't suddenly turn you into a lunatic or some obsessed stalker... especially not after you've been in a relationship for two years. Whether that connection was strictly online or not, those represent two full years of your life.
Whether he agrees to it or not, I would personally demand that meeting just to get my own peace of mind.
I truly believe that sitting down face-to-face would either settle the matter once and for all or provide the closure you need to move on rapidly.
To me, having the chance to clear the air, only to choose instead to suffer and leave everything stuck in some idealized fantasy, isn't a healthy way to live.
Stepping up and facing the situation head-on doesn't make you crazy; it makes you someone with the backbone to see things through to the end. You’d only be acting like a lunatic if you started stalking him *after* the meeting, which, frankly, I highly doubt you'd ever do.

The person you're "in love" with—well, he doesn't actually exist. You’ve essentially constructed this ideal version of him in your own mind. Once things settle down and you can look at it all with a bit more clarity—perhaps after you sit down and actually read through those old messages—you'll see the truth. It's just a collection of letters on a screen. Nothing more than that.

Frank Thomas92 said:I honestly don't know how to put this into words, but spending thirty minutes face-to-face with someone doesn't suddenly turn you into a lunatic or some obsessed stalker... especially not after you've been in a relationship for two years. Whether that connection was strictly online or not, those represent two full years of your life.
Whether he agrees to it or not, I would personally demand that meeting just to get my own peace of mind.
I truly believe that sitting down face-to-face would either settle the matter once and for all or provide the closure you need to move on rapidly.
To me, having the chance to clear the air, only to choose instead to suffer and leave everything stuck in some idealized fantasy, isn't a healthy way to live.
Stepping up and facing the situation head-on doesn't make you crazy; it makes you someone with the backbone to see things through to the end. You’d only be acting like a lunatic if you started stalking him *after* the meeting, which, frankly, I highly doubt you'd ever do.

Yeah... honestly, the only reason I'd do it is for my own sanity too...
But you know what's actually tearing me apart right now?
He used to tell me... about how so many girls fell for him exactly the same way I did...
And he never ended up seeing any of them...
Now I can't help but wonder if I'm actually anything special at all... I've seen photos of some of those girls, and they are gorgeous, seriously stunning... and he turned them all down...

It's not even that... it's just... it opened my eyes to the fact that I might just be another girl in a long line of people who fell for him, and that I don't mean a damn thing to him...

I don't know how to explain it... my ego... my pride won't let me humiliate myself like this...
All I wanted was for him... to carve out even just a tiny sliver of his life for me, even just one hour...

But it's not that I'm a bad person... it's just that I feel like I'm not "worth" that single hour because I'm nothing special, and that completely kills my desire for him... my drive to even try...
I just wanted him to show me, in his own way, that I actually matter a little more than everyone else...
And now, he's been gone for two weeks, knowing full well I'm worried sick (I'm terrified something happened to him), yet he could easily have just decided to ghost me... by doing that, he proved I'm no different from the rest... which I already realized before this...

Honestly, it just killed any urge I had to see him, to work for him, or to care about anything at all...

shadowheron49 said:Yeah... honestly, the only reason I'd do it is for my own sanity too...
But you know what's actually tearing me apart right now?
He used to tell me... about how so many girls fell for him exactly the same way I did...
And he never ended up seeing any of them...
Now I can't help but wonder if I'm actually anything special at all... I've seen photos of some of those girls, and they are gorgeous, seriously stunning... and he turned them all down...

It's not even that... it's just... it opened my eyes to the fact that I might just be another girl in a long line of people who fell for him, and that I don't mean a damn thing to him...

I don't know how to explain it... my ego... my pride won't let me humiliate myself like this...
All I wanted was for him... to carve out even just a tiny sliver of his life for me, even just one hour...

But it's not that I'm a bad person... it's just that I feel like I'm not "worth" that single hour because I'm nothing special, and that completely kills my desire for him... my drive to even try...
I just wanted him to show me, in his own way, that I actually matter a little more than everyone else...
And now, he's been gone for two weeks, knowing full well I'm worried sick (I'm terrified something happened to him), yet he could easily have just decided to ghost me... by doing that, he proved I'm no different from the rest... which I already realized before this...

Honestly, it just killed any urge I had to see him, to work for him, or to care about anything at all...

He hooked you—and it’s laid out perfectly right here if you just take a second to actually analyze what you wrote.
Maybe he does this unconsciously, maybe because he’s just messed up, or maybe he’s just playing games.
He subtly dropped hints about how he’s dealt with multiple women he rejected. Your brain—that primal, lizard part of you—interpreted that as "Wow, he’s a high-value male, women are fighting over him, which means he’s top-tier long-term material."
In reality? He might be lying through his teeth; it’s probably just his go-to tactic for picking up women.
Plus, you’re feeding your own ego. By being in contact with him, you’re building your ego too, because in your head, he’s nothing short of a superhero.
Over those two years, you’ve definitely constructed this image of him as some ultimate alpha in your mind because
-you wanted to
-he made it easier for you to fall for him.

Now I feel like... maybe I wasn't anything more special than the rest of them... I'm not sure...
But it isn't that I'm bad... it's that I'm not "worthy" of that one hour because I'm nothing "extra," and that just kills my drive for him... my drive to try...
I wanted that specific way of doing things to let me know, even if it was just a little bit, that I actually matter more than everyone else...
But now that he’s been gone for two weeks and he knows I’m dying of anxiety (I’m terrified something happened to him), it could just be that he decided to simply cast me aside... which proves I wasn't worth any more than the others... which I already realized before this...

Honestly, it just killed any desire I had to see him, to work for him, to want anything at all...

So, here’s the bottom line. You didn't get chosen by the guy you idealized, and honestly, it’s just your ego taking a hit.
There’s also a hint of pathology here—it’s pretty obvious when you act like a lunatic wondering if he’s still alive😁 after two whole weeks. It’s the classic pattern of someone who’s addicted. "I just need to know he's breathing so I can walk away with my dignity intact." *facepalm*

Why your ego is keeping you trapped in this bubble of illusion? You'll have to figure that out yourself, but you aren't alone in this.
Go back and read the Joe Biden thread over on the Lonely Hearts forum; you’ll see a whole crowd of people who were in love with illusions, where it led them, and just how brutal the wake-up call can be.
That particular part is especially interesting—honestly, I don't even know what I was thinking.
Good luck.

I don't know... I still remember how things used to be, you know? It was just... simple. Those human connections... and that kind of love... I never really had issues with myself or anyone else back then.
I didn't exactly have a roadmap for what I wanted, but I definitely knew what I *didn't* want, so I just used that to guide me...
There wasn't any self-doubt...
I wasn't. This. Messed. Up...
But now... yeah, now I'm a total wreck.
I can't even put my finger on why or when it all started going downhill...
Maybe it's because he completely trashed my confidence and left me with a million complexes about the way I carry myself...

I honestly don't even know what I fell for... He was just different, so unique, he was... special... but everything about him works against me... he doesn't want me, yet here I am, head over heels and totally obsessed.
This would never happen to me in real life; I've never even fallen for someone like this IRL, not at first sight, not through that "spark" everyone talks about... I'm not the type to fall easily like that...
And yet, here I am, falling for... HIM!???? Over the internet!????

I really don't know where my parents went wrong with my upbringing...

And I’m definitely not saying this is just about my ego...
It’s not even that... damn... it’s just my heart that's hurting...
I’ve honestly never met anyone quite like him, there just aren't people like that around here, someone who feels so deeply connected to me...
I guess I just bonded with him in a way that's hard to explain...
It isn't even like I'm grieving... it's more like that constant knot in your stomach because you realize you're never going to see that person again...
That's all... That word "NEVER." I absolutely hate it.

shadowheron49 said:And I’m definitely not saying this is just about my ego...
It’s not even that... damn... it’s just my heart that's hurting...
I’ve honestly never met anyone quite like him, there just aren't people like that around here, someone who feels so deeply connected to me...
I guess I just bonded with him in a way that's hard to explain...
It isn't even like I'm grieving... it's more like that constant knot in your stomach because you realize you're never going to see that person again...
That's all... That word "NEVER." I absolutely hate it.

Exactly—it's an addiction.
"Heartache"? Please, give me a break.😁
It hurts because he blew you off—plain and simple. Get over it, shake off the dust, and move on. If you want some comfort, remember this: if he were actually the right one for you, he would have stayed. But he didn't.

hiddenpuma3 said:Exactly—it's an addiction.
"Heartache"? Please, give me a break.😁
It hurts because he blew you off—plain and simple. Get over it, shake off the dust, and move on. If you want some comfort, remember this: if he were actually the right one for you, he would have stayed. But he didn't.

well, who doesn't hurt when they get dumped... but I'm not really the type to sit around moping when someone leaves me, instead my spite just kicks in... pure anger... I won't hear his name, see him, or even wave at him again... pffff, who cares... I'm not even gonna talk about that guy, let alone write about him...

But this is actually different...
It's not about that... he blew me off, and obviously... I wouldn't be hurting if I weren't... but even though it is... I'm grieving because of the rejection itself and how pathetic I feel... I don't want to be pathetic, but I am, and it sucks. This time, it's just this ugly feeling.
It feels... different.
It's not like I'm mourning him... it's not... I know myself... I know what would happen if it were just my ego...

My ego came out back when my fiancé told me, "If you don't like it, leave," and I walked right out—I don't need to be told twice.
I didn't forgive him then. You try to force me? Fuck off... there were tears and apologies later and all that... but I refused to go back because I wasn't going to let anyone talk to me like that. Go get a dog if you want to act like that.

This is something else... I don't even know what...
An illusion.
That's why I'm here.

You aren't feeling this with your heart. When it hurts, it just hurts. You move on. You let go.

But you aren't letting go. You're addicted. To what? You need to figure out what exactly is feeding that illusion.

An illusion is exactly that—it's when you build this perfect, glowing image of someone through a screen based on nothing but texts and messages. Then, you finally meet them in person and realize they’re just some unkempt, graying guy who's busy cheating on his wife with a neighbor who’s way less attractive than her, all while trying to sell you on some deep philosophy that you actually fell in love with!
But honestly, an illusion can be a wake-up call. It teaches you to look at things from a different perspective, because that version of them isn't really a lie if you eventually bring it into the real world.
If you take that online illusion and test it out in real life, it's basically just an extension of reality. I'd much rather see the truth now than stay in the dark!

shadowheron49 said:I've been thinking about that too...
There's always a way... when you really want something, you find a way...
But... I want him to *want* to meet.
It's simple... I feel like I deserve for us to meet in a normal, decent way...
I mean... I'm not some crazy person looking to hunt someone down...
If he doesn't see anything in me... even just enough to get his damn ass off the couch... even just enough to stand in front of me for five minutes... after two years... after everything we've been through... if he still doesn't see it...
Then I don't even want to meet him... I don't want him to see me... I'd honestly rather suffer and seek comfort from you guys than deal with his damn mercy... 😢
He wouldn't be worth it then.

But I know I'm not that bad... I know I'm not...
I know I'm not ugly, or stupid, or bitter, and I'm not even rude unless he starts being rude first; I know there's so much more to me than what I can put into words here, and I know I didn't do anything to deserve being tossed aside like a dog... I really didn't...
If he's really that cruel and heartless... then I'd rather stay right here asking you all for advice on how to move past this illusion... this trick... this whole mess I naively fell for... because I naively believed that people actually cared about each other here...
I'd take that over forcing him to show up for someone who clearly matters enough to grab a coffee with... if he can't see that... it's his loss...
My loss feels massive because of his blindness... but I can't explain that to him and I don't want to anymore...

There's no reason to blame yourself or him. It would have been nice if you two actually met up in person. Still, he has every right to decide if he wants that, so he's not technically in the wrong there. You both agreed to this digital setup, and it lasted as long as it lasted.

shadowheron49 said:I'm right there with you on that.
Looking back at him... if he hadn't come into my life... things would be totally different, but like, *completely* different.
That guy had such an impact on me... seriously... I was already heading in the right direction, but I just didn't have a clue how to make it happen or where I was tripping up... he was my wake-up call. He basically gave me a little "hey, wake up!" slap because he's super spiritual and we're both into that whole alternative scene, but he's way ahead of me on that path and he passed on exactly what I needed to hear...
I guess that was his "mission," too.

It's such a shame... that's all there is to it.

Don't sweat it. I hang out with the alternative/spiritual crowd all the time, and I've met plenty of people just like the guy you described. There are plenty of interesting folks out there, and you'll definitely click with someone else sooner or later. 🙂

Look at this as a massive learning opportunity. You learned from the conversations you had and how it all ended. Being head-over-heels is great, but man, it can sting like hell too. On the bright side, there's still a healthy kind of love waiting for you down the road—the kind that isn't based on dependency—and that's where the real happiness happens.

Whatever, man, it’s all just water under the bridge now, right shadowheron49?

ambercrane722 said:Whatever, man, it’s all just water under the bridge now, right shadowheron49?

Exactly, baby...
Honestly, I'm getting absolutely nothing out of this whole flirting thing... like, zero benefits...
I'm just gonna end up wrecking my own head while he doesn't give a single damn.

Nicholas Gonzalez8 said:There's no reason to blame yourself or him. It would have been nice if you two actually met up in person. Still, he has every right to decide if he wants that, so he's not technically in the wrong there. You both agreed to this digital setup, and it lasted as long as it lasted.

Don't sweat it. I hang out with the alternative/spiritual crowd all the time, and I've met plenty of people just like the guy you described. There are plenty of interesting folks out there, and you'll definitely click with someone else sooner or later. 🙂

Look at this as a massive learning opportunity. You learned from the conversations you had and how it all ended. Being head-over-heels is great, but man, it can sting like hell too. On the bright side, there's still a healthy kind of love waiting for you down the road—the kind that isn't based on dependency—and that's where the real happiness happens.

You put that so perfectly...

The only thing I'm stuck on is that whole "dependency" thing people keep throwing at me...
Like, isn't it totally natural to want the person you love...
and then feel crushed when you lose them?
... I mean, maybe that's not as unnatural as they say? I don't know...

shadowheron49 said:You put that so perfectly...

The only thing I'm stuck on is that whole "dependency" thing people keep throwing at me...
Like, isn't it totally natural to want the person you love...
and then feel crushed when you lose them?
... I mean, maybe that's not as unnatural as they say? I don't know...

Sure, it’s natural up to a point—until you realize it’s becoming a burden. Think about it: real love should be about freedom, but that desperate need, that "addiction" vibe, it just strips that freedom away. Not just from the person you're clinging to, but from you, too.

People don't enter our lives just to act as Band-Aids for our internal voids. That’s just running away from ourselves. Instead of doing the work to find our own spark and happiness, we go hunting for it in someone else. And then, when that person leaves, we feel like we've been plunged into total darkness. It’s like—you can absolutely adore a flower in your garden without ripping it out of the soil just so you can hold it. You let it grow, you give it space, much like you should do for yourself, regardless of how much time you spend together.

When two people actually find their own footing first, being together is just about doubling that joy. They love each other, sure, but they’re also mature enough to let go if that's what's actually best for them.

Look, he’s clearly not the one for you.

You mentioned somewhere that you feel like he doesn't actually know you.
That would have been a massive red flag for me immediately. 😉

Why bother with someone who can't see the real you? If he hasn't figured it out by now, he never will. Stop looking for flaws in yourself.

He isn't some rare find; there are plenty of guys like him out there. Maybe not on every street corner, but still. You'll meet someone else where you don't have to explain your existence. 🙂

Man, time really flies, and I’m finally starting to settle into this new reality... just me, solo.
It’s not even like I’ve totally moved on, it’s more like I’m finally realizing how much else is actually going on in my life and how much I was overthinking everything before.
I feel way more chill now, though I’ll admit my heart still does a little jump whenever I see a notification and briefly think it might be him...

You have a serious issue that could emotionally cripple you for years to come. My advice: go see a therapist for three or four sessions. It isn’t so expensive that you can’t afford it, and that will be plenty.

Regarding this guy, what you need is to be REALISTIC AND DECISIVE. You won't be able to do that on your own, which is why professional support is necessary. Take my advice seriously.

The guy falls into a category I call narcissists. These people feed off others' emotions and spin whatever fairy tales are necessary—painting beautiful pictures just to satisfy themselves. You aren't important; you aren't better than his exes, nor are you worse. You are merely an object. These are disturbed individuals. Don't delude yourself thinking you could "explain" things to him or that there was some mutual "feeling."

He felt nothing for you, and he never will. You were dealing with a sick individual. You will only start recovering once you face the cold, hard truth. Stop getting sucked into these fantasies and go to a psychologist. Stop dreaming and stop running from your own life. That is exactly what you are doing—running from reality. Stop complaining! Move on! You imagined all of this; you mean nothing to him!

I mean, honestly, I’d much rather deal with someone who’s just a little bit off than some total psycho out there looking to cause massive damage—you know, people driven by pure malice, hidden agendas, obsessions, or some twisted need for revenge. When you think about how many straight-up sociopaths are walking around this country right now, I feel like this kind of "unhinged" is actually the best-case scenario. :-)

I’ve been in those exact same shoes, so I know exactly how this feels.
Honestly, it’s downright PATHOLOGICAL that he wouldn't even bother meeting up—regardless of whatever arbitrary standards he claims to have for women. If he didn't see that "spark" or whatever criteria he uses, he shouldn't have dragged this out for two years. In this day and age, you can pull photos of any attractive guy or girl off Facebook in seconds. Anyone can pretend to be someone else online. You really have to ask yourself: would you ever actually want to be with someone who was consciously lying to you from the very start? It’s incredibly low of him to send photos of other guys he’s already burned, essentially hurting you in the exact same way he hurt them. He likely crafted that perfect little persona just to reel you in—acting like he was Mr. Perfect—when perhaps his only twisted goal was to hurt you or use you for some ulterior motive.
I used to think, too, that maybe the guy was just unattractive. Back then, I might have assumed he was physically incapable of dating in person, forced to hide behind a screen and a keyboard. But now? I think he’s just a straight-up liar. And what do you even do with people like that? You forgive, you forget, and you move the hell on. Because if he truly cared about you, he wouldn't have done this, no matter what his "type" is. By doing this, he's proven he's actually worse than the people who just break up with you and leave.