Overly sensitive and aggressive

I’ve struggled with this for as long as I can remember—it’s especially bad when it comes to the people I actually care about. The root of it all, I think, is that I just don't know how to separate my own ego and emotions from a conversation. Everything feels deeply personal to me. When it involves my loved ones, it gets even more intense. Because I'm so overly sensitive, I end up picking fights over the smallest things. Once an argument starts, the anger just... builds. It feeds on itself, and I find myself getting sucked into this loop where I feel like I have to go on the defensive, even if nobody is actually attacking me. When the rage really escalates, I lose it. I get loud, I get aggressive, I say hurtful things—my whole face just reflects that fury. In those moments, I can't seem to pull myself back; the emotion just takes over, even though a part of me is standing there secretly wondering why I'm acting like this. It's like once it hits, I lose control, especially with the people closest to me. I’m constantly clashing with my family at home and with my boyfriend—we've been together for a while now, and the friction is constant. I know I'm the one at fault here. I truly want to fix this—for my own sake and for the people I love. I don't want to hurt anyone else with my outbursts anymore.
Please help!

This sounds exactly like my old man.
Except he actually loves doing it.
And honestly, I’m surprised nobody has called the cops on him yet for making all that noise. Why should everyone else be forced to listen just because he needs to vent his latest mood swing?
We haven't said anything, mostly because we've just learned to tune him out, but someone really should.
People like this should be hit with heavy fines.

I’m not exactly enjoying this—if anything, it hurts because I feel like I’m hurting the people I love most. It’s honestly exhausting, dealing with this constant uncertainty about what to do or how to actually help myself... it's been really heavy. Deep depression isn't exactly rare when you're caught in these kinds of internal conflicts and struggling with how you act.
I'm just not happy with where I am right now, and I'd give anything to fix this, but I feel like I can't do it on my own.🙂

Nathan Foster4 said:This sounds exactly like my old man.
Except he actually loves doing it.
And honestly, I’m surprised nobody has called the cops on him yet for making all that noise. Why should everyone else be forced to listen just because he needs to vent his latest mood swing?
We haven't said anything, mostly because we've just learned to tune him out, but someone really should.
People like this should be hit with heavy fines.

God, those types of people are incredibly grating—and it's not even about the anger itself, it's just this constant, excessive overreacting to everything.
I honestly don't know how most of them lack any sense of how they look to other people when they have these kinds of emotional outbursts. 🤷
They should probably just be grateful anyone wants to spend a single day with them instead of having to endure them through an entire relationship.

I was with my ex for something like 7 years, and what first drew me to him was his sense of humor and how chill he was; in all those years, we only had maybe 3 or 4 real arguments, which our friends thought was almost unbelievable. But once things reached a breaking point 🙂 vs. 🙂 🙂

,that last time, it was finally over.
Normally, we were both pretty laid back, and just as I couldn't stand someone being perpetually worked up and projecting their drama onto me—ruining my peace and my mood every single day—he wouldn't either...

But being with someone who is constantly obsessing, interrogating, misinterpreting everything, and forcing you to explain yourself over and over again? God, no thanks. Not a chance.

Though, I have to admit, back when I was a teenager, I was also super argumentative and sensitive. 😁

Richard Taylor, how old are you?
Don't take offense at what I wrote above—I'm being a bit indirect and maybe a little provocative—but I honestly think you could use some kind of course on mentalizing, just to learn how to actually step into someone else's head. You need to understand *why* someone thinks, says, or does something, and whether they actually mean it the way they do, while also getting to know yourself enough to realize why you might be interpreting something a certain way (let's assume wrongly)

Richard Taylor said:I’ve struggled with this for as long as I can remember—it’s especially bad when it comes to the people I actually care about. The root of it all, I think, is that I just don't know how to separate my own ego and emotions from a conversation. Everything feels deeply personal to me. When it involves my loved ones, it gets even more intense. Because I'm so overly sensitive, I end up picking fights over the smallest things. Once an argument starts, the anger just... builds. It feeds on itself, and I find myself getting sucked into this loop where I feel like I have to go on the defensive, even if nobody is actually attacking me. When the rage really escalates, I lose it. I get loud, I get aggressive, I say hurtful things—my whole face just reflects that fury. In those moments, I can't seem to pull myself back; the emotion just takes over, even though a part of me is standing there secretly wondering why I'm acting like this. It's like once it hits, I lose control, especially with the people closest to me. I’m constantly clashing with my family at home and with my boyfriend—we've been together for a while now, and the friction is constant. I know I'm the one at fault here. I truly want to fix this—for my own sake and for the people I love. I don't want to hurt anyone else with my outbursts anymore.
Please help!

I could tell that from this part of your post. 😁
I tend to take things personally quite often too, but it doesn't change how I react—I just shut up, deal with it, and then turn around and walk away.

I'm 22.
I think the real deciding factor—what sets us apart from those other traits mentioned above—is whether we actually enjoy it or not. Like I said, I really don't enjoy this. The fact that I'm out here looking for help shows I actually want to do something about it. I'm not looking for criticism—honestly, you wouldn't even be able to deal with me if you tried—but I would truly appreciate some concrete advice. That’s what I actually need.
Living with this is tough, and I'd be so grateful for anyone who genuinely wants to help.

Richard Taylor said:I'm 22.
I think the real deciding factor—what sets us apart from those other traits mentioned above—is whether we actually enjoy it or not. Like I said, I really don't enjoy this. The fact that I'm out here looking for help shows I actually want to do something about it. I'm not looking for criticism—honestly, you wouldn't even be able to deal with me if you tried—but I would truly appreciate some concrete advice. That’s what I actually need.
Living with this is tough, and I'd be so grateful for anyone who genuinely wants to help.

And I have to poke at you a little bit just to see what gets under your skin—to see if anything actually does, and just how deep those stings go.😁
That kind of reaction is more than enough.
Honestly, I think you’re just going to have to learn how to shut down your own psyche.
One way to do that is through psychological analgesia—which happens when someone experiences such intense mental trauma (not just perceived slights, but genuine, malicious ones)
that they hit a state of total psychological shock. They just numb out and start reacting like a robot, which eventually leads to a shift where
their entire emotional perception of the world changes permanently. Basically, nothing touches them anymore; they move straight into pure survival mode.

The other way is what we call mentalization, which you have to master by actually getting to know yourself.
Since you mentioned that you take everything "personally," what you're dealing with might be a sort of hyper-reactivity—this tendency to vent through rage because of an injury that isn't even based in reality, but is part of some imagined construct, maybe stemming from some conscious or unconscious complex or whatever.

Meanwhile, with the older woman—the second commenter here—it's probably a case of external irritability caused by internal affect, conflict, or impulse. She likely vents that through anger and practically lives for the chance to lash out at someone, which is why she "enjoys" it, as she puts it—because it feels like a release.

crimsoncanyon2 said:And I have to poke at you a little bit just to see what gets under your skin—to see if anything actually does, and just how deep those stings go.😁
That kind of reaction is more than enough.
Honestly, I think you’re just going to have to learn how to shut down your own psyche.
One way to do that is through psychological analgesia—which happens when someone experiences such intense mental trauma (not just perceived slights, but genuine, malicious ones)
that they hit a state of total psychological shock. They just numb out and start reacting like a robot, which eventually leads to a shift where
their entire emotional perception of the world changes permanently. Basically, nothing touches them anymore; they move straight into pure survival mode.

The other way is what we call mentalization, which you have to master by actually getting to know yourself.
Since you mentioned that you take everything "personally," what you're dealing with might be a sort of hyper-reactivity—this tendency to vent through rage because of an injury that isn't even based in reality, but is part of some imagined construct, maybe stemming from some conscious or unconscious complex or whatever.

Meanwhile, with the older woman—the second commenter here—it's probably a case of external irritability caused by internal affect, conflict, or impulse. She likely vents that through anger and practically lives for the chance to lash out at someone, which is why she "enjoys" it, as she puts it—because it feels like a release.

That makes much more sense, thank you. 😉
The thing is, I'm just a very emotional person, so words or actions from people close to me really sting—whereas I don't care at all about what strangers do.
When something hurts me like that, I tend to lash out in anger, and it's honestly exhausting. It actually hurts me more knowing I've upset someone I care about than being hurt myself, so I've decided I just can't live with that feeling anymore.

Do you think the mentalization process could help me stop injecting my own ego and emotions into every conversation, or do you have some other advice for that? Thanks in advance. 🙂

Richard Taylor said:That makes much more sense, thank you. 😉
The thing is, I'm just a very emotional person, so words or actions from people close to me really sting—whereas I don't care at all about what strangers do.
When something hurts me like that, I tend to lash out in anger, and it's honestly exhausting. It actually hurts me more knowing I've upset someone I care about than being hurt myself, so I've decided I just can't live with that feeling anymore.

Do you think the mentalization process could help me stop injecting my own ego and emotions into every conversation, or do you have some other advice for that? Thanks in advance. 🙂

It can. Understanding how the mind works definitely helps you pull your "ego" out of the communication loop, but here's the catch—that same "ego" is exactly what allows you to recognize someone else's mental state by reflecting on your own thoughts and feelings. So, the real trick isn't getting rid of your "self," it's mastering both mentalization and self-awareness so you know exactly when to use which one. It's about knowing which tool is smarter to pull out of the box at any given moment.
There are certain reactions and mental states in other people—their behavior, their speech, their internal thoughts
that are basically universal, almost like they're straight out of a textbook. Then, of course, there are those highly specific quirks where everyone brings their own baggage to the table. Learning mentalization should help you distinguish between those standard, predictable behaviors and the weirdly specific ones—and eventually, you'll start seeing the sub-patterns within those specifics too.
That’s how you actually learn to read people.
You only need to push aside the "I" when you find yourself reacting or interpreting things based on your own hang-ups or internal conflicts. Your "self" is essentially your ego—your logic and reasoning—and without it, you wouldn't be able to function in society.

So, yeah—in theory, I’m trying to strip away the emotional ego stuff from how I communicate. It's that part of me that makes me take everything so personally, which, I guess, just kills my objectivity and messes with my ability to actually read a situation for what it is... and then react properly.
Thanks so much. If you or anyone else has any more advice on this, I’m all ears. Anything helps, really—because like I said, I genuinely want to work on those parts of my personality that end up sabotaging things, both for myself and for the people around me.

Richard Taylor said:So, yeah—in theory, I’m trying to strip away the emotional ego stuff from how I communicate. It's that part of me that makes me take everything so personally, which, I guess, just kills my objectivity and messes with my ability to actually read a situation for what it is... and then react properly.
Thanks so much. If you or anyone else has any more advice on this, I’m all ears. Anything helps, really—because like I said, I genuinely want to work on those parts of my personality that end up sabotaging things, both for myself and for the people around me.

Whenever it comes down to any kind of emotional wound—whether it's real or just in your head—the old-school Americans have always taught me the best way to handle it is:
"Keep it in mind, then settle the score 😁 😉 ...when the timing is right... and never let yourself get too angry," rather than following the impulse to
"React, feel it all right now, and let the emotions drown you." 🙂
Smart people don't work that way.

Also, it isn't a bad idea to develop a sense of humor—sometimes being able to poke fun at your own flaws or complexes is a real sign of true self-confidence and self-acceptance.

That’s just not how emotionally intelligent people operate—which, honestly, is my whole philosophy right now. 🙂
And man, that was hilarious. Seriously. You’ve gotta take those malicious comments and turn them into a joke rather than getting all worked up and reacting like it's some major crisis. I know I’ve still got a long way to go before I master this, but I’m definitely not giving up. 😁