My epic curve

Clint, look at how great it is to be starting from zero: you aren't dragging around heavy baggage, there’s no trailing weight holding you back; you’ve got this sharp mind that lets you steer exactly where you want to go, fully aware of everything you're leaving behind.
I'm basically in the same boat—starting from scratch again at 45. I just moved, everyone here is a total stranger, but honestly? It’s liberating. I get to decide how people perceive me. I can craft a whole new persona, deciding whether I want to be seen as some heavy, depressed soul or just someone bright and smiling. When I'm around people who don't know my history, I'm picking the positive vibes every single time; I'm cutting out the energy vampires immediately. No one gets to steal our spark!
Whenever I move to a new city, I find a local coffee shop and make it my regular spot. I'll strike up a conversation with the barista, someone else will jump in, and suddenly all the different personalities start to reveal themselves. That's how it begins...
I actually opened a small cafe using an SBA loan, but business hasn't taken off, and after just a month, I already owe the government 25 $0.00. So what?! A job is just a tool. Growing as a person matters way more.
And you? You have so much, so much potential. You have options. There's plenty of life left to live.

I have another question that’s been weighing on my mind. I previously went into detail about how my paranoia first took root and eventually spiraled into hallucinations—specifically that gnawing fear that you're being watched and listened to constantly. It starts as a doubt, an inability to confirm if the threat is real, but then it gradually morphs into pure terror. At the end of that post, I described a situation where I became convinced that the hosts at a local radio station had started reading my Twitter feed live on air, mocking me or making snide comments about my immaturity. Since all those jokes or bits of encouragement aired are indirect and things I could easily relate to—whether because of basic human nature or my own delusions—I find myself stuck in this loop of wondering if I'm just imagining the whole thing or if it's actually happening.

The issue has escalated because, right before I deactivated my Twitter account, I left links to this forum and several specific threads regarding depression, schizophrenia, and suicide. Now, I’m haunted by the suspicion that they are continuing to follow me here, reading my posts on this forum and commenting on them through the broadcast.

So, tell me, if this isn't just in my head, how would you handle being in my shoes? How do you navigate a total collapse of self-confidence and a constant battle against questioning reality, all while feeling like a group of people on a major radio station—people who are lucky enough to lead seemingly "normal" lives—are playing gods with your sanity?

I'm not looking for a recommendation to see a psychologist; I simply want to know how you all would react to this scenario if you were facing it and weren't sure if it was real.

Just ignore them. Honestly, as long as we’re letting other people's opinions get under our skin, we aren't truly free. It’s only when you realize that you're the only one accountable for your own life—that nobody out there actually holds the leash—that you finally become ready to fight back.
Whether it’s all in your head or actually happening, it shouldn't matter. You can't live your life by someone else's yardstick; you have to be your own damn standard. There shouldn't be any emotional or psychological police patrolling your business.
Don't stress over things that don't matter; once you wrap your head around that, you're winning...

Matthew White4 said:Just ignore them. Honestly, as long as we’re letting other people's opinions get under our skin, we aren't truly free. It’s only when you realize that you're the only one accountable for your own life—that nobody out there actually holds the leash—that you finally become ready to fight back.
Whether it’s all in your head or actually happening, it shouldn't matter. You can't live your life by someone else's yardstick; you have to be your own damn standard. There shouldn't be any emotional or psychological police patrolling your business.
Don't stress over things that don't matter; once you wrap your head around that, you're winning...

If we were on X right now, I'd be hitting that retweet and favorite button immediately. 🙂

Thanks for the validation.

Brian Hayes43, have you ever considered picking up a writing career? It’s pretty obvious to most of us that you actually have a knack for it.

Kenneth Rivera10 said:Brian Hayes43, have you ever considered picking up a writing career? It’s pretty obvious to most of us that you actually have a knack for it.

It feels as though Philip K. Dick already covered every possible corner of the imagination. 🙂

Brian Hayes43 said:It feels as though Philip K. Dick already covered every possible corner of the imagination. 🙂

Look, he definitely wrote a massive amount of high-quality stuff, but I wouldn't say *everything*; he still left a little room for you to breathe. 😁

Kenneth Rivera10 said:Brian Hayes43, have you ever considered picking up a writing career? It’s pretty obvious to most of us that you actually have a knack for it.

That was my very first thought when I read the post. Seriously, you've got some guts. 🙂

Edward Reed2 said:That was my very first thought when I read the post. Seriously, you've got some guts. 🙂

My suggestion? Start a blog. If you're worried about exposure, just hide behind an anonymous handle—it’s not like anyone's going to figure out it's you anyway. Just see where the writing takes you. Who knows? Maybe one day we'll be watching you become a real journalist or something. 🙂

A bunch of wanderers, really. It seems like everyone is just preoccupied with how this cosine function eventually loops back to pi. 🙂
I might even wrap it up.

Look, if I stumble upon a book that's actually this well-written, I’m definitely buying it—and then passing it along to everyone I know.
I usually don't have the patience for long posts, but I ended up reading yours from start to finish. Honestly, I’m ready for more 🙂

It feels like an entire lifetime has passed since the last update, even though it’s only been a month. I'm just checking in to say how much I despise how incredibly slow things seem to be moving lately. It is truly exhausting.

All anyone talks about is finding work, find work, find work...

Well... thanks for reminding me what my twin looks like! We're moving fast, but when you're twins, that isn't exactly cheating. 😁

Madison Square Garden!