My family is falling apart :(

Hi,

Sorry if there’s already a thread about this, but I honestly don't even know how to label what's happening, so I'm not sure if I picked the right title. This is my first time posting here, so I hope someone can help me out. Everything in my family was perfect until about six months ago when my dad started acting... well, barely lucid. My parents have been married for 25 years—just a great marriage, really. They actually had the kind of relationship I've always wanted for myself. Dad was always a bit more conservative and jealous, maybe, and he usually made the big calls, while Mom just went along with him. As for us kids, we couldn't have asked for a better father. You couldn't walk past him in the hallway without getting a hug or a kiss. He was smart, steady, a good man. Then he retired, and after three years of basically doing nothing and probably overthinking things too much, he turned into a complete stranger. It started with fighting with Mom, and we thought it was just a phase or some jealousy thing, but it hasn't stopped. Now he drinks, he's lost at least 20 pounds, and when I look him in the eyes, there's just nothing there. He talks nonsense, he's insulting, and he suddenly hates Mom's side of the family with a passion he never had before. His own childhood was rough—his father left him when he was an infant, and his mother remarried and basically ignored him to focus on his half-siblings. He had a terrible upbringing. He only sees Mom once a year now because she doesn't want to visit. But now, he's become incredibly jealous of his wife and her family; he just hates them. He hates that Mom is happy, he hates that she isn't home enough, and he constantly accuses her of cheating, which is absurd because he tracks her every move. He even accuses us kids of being in a conspiracy against him. He saw a psychologist once, and the doctor told him he was either having or about to have a nervous breakdown, and honestly, that's how it looks. I've read about everything from midlife crises to bipolar disorder, but now I feel like I'm out of options except to ask if anyone else has dealt with this or knows what this could be. Sorry for the long post, but I'm not exaggerating—everything is just falling apart for no reason. Thanks in advance.

Maybe he just can't handle being idle... feeling like neither society nor his own kids have any use for him anymore? Or maybe this was just the trigger for some kind of depressive disorder or something...

From what I know about him, he was just counting down the days until retirement. He could probably find something to do—even just a little side gig to take the family down to the coast for vacation—but he’s too lazy, I guess. I agree that unemployment is part of the problem; we've all seen that. But there's no way you're going to force him to work.

Being out of work, dealing with hormone crashes, and seeing your sex drive just tank—or disappear entirely—it all ties together. It might actually be the root cause behind the jealousy, the depression, the drinking, and that growing resentment toward his wife. You see men undergo these kinds of radical personality shifts all the time when they hit rock bottom like this. The most critical thing is for him to stop drinking and get into therapy. But, since he’s pretty old-school and conservative, making him see that might feel like an impossible mission. I honestly think things are just going to spiral unless there’s a massive, life-altering pivot. Whether it happens naturally or through a total shock to the system, he needs to be given a clear choice: either quit the booze and start counseling, or face a divorce so you can protect your own sanity and the well-being of your kids.
...every moment spent making excuses or waiting for things to fix themselves is just inviting even bigger disasters down the road.

Maybe the guy’s just hit his limit. Let him be... does he really need you hovering over him trying to "correct" his thinking? You’re over twenty, surely you have better things to do with your time. Focus on yourself and leave other people alone...

redbadger162, are you absolutely sure he isn't seeing someone else on the side?

Mine "snapped" from pure boredom about 15 years ago once he retired. Though, his version involved quitting drinking—so that’s a different kind of breakdown. Honestly, it’s just one of those things—different strokes for different folks. We don't talk much officially, mostly because everything he says usually turns into some sort of grievance or a jab at someone else. Life moves on, though. You gotta focus on your own lane. Once you're actually standing on your own two feet, you won't have the time or energy to worry about what everyone else is doing.

coastalwolf87 said:redbadger162, are you absolutely sure he isn't seeing someone else on the side?

I don't buy it. He’d be drinking way less—and probably a lot happier—if he was.☕

redbadger162 said:Hi,

Sorry if there’s already a thread about this, but I honestly don't even know how to label what's happening, so I'm not sure if I picked the right title. This is my first time posting here, so I hope someone can help me out. Everything in my family was perfect until about six months ago when my dad started acting... well, barely lucid. My parents have been married for 25 years—just a great marriage, really. They actually had the kind of relationship I've always wanted for myself. Dad was always a bit more conservative and jealous, maybe, and he usually made the big calls, while Mom just went along with him. As for us kids, we couldn't have asked for a better father. You couldn't walk past him in the hallway without getting a hug or a kiss. He was smart, steady, a good man. Then he retired, and after three years of basically doing nothing and probably overthinking things too much, he turned into a complete stranger. It started with fighting with Mom, and we thought it was just a phase or some jealousy thing, but it hasn't stopped. Now he drinks, he's lost at least 20 pounds, and when I look him in the eyes, there's just nothing there. He talks nonsense, he's insulting, and he suddenly hates Mom's side of the family with a passion he never had before. His own childhood was rough—his father left him when he was an infant, and his mother remarried and basically ignored him to focus on his half-siblings. He had a terrible upbringing. He only sees Mom once a year now because she doesn't want to visit. But now, he's become incredibly jealous of his wife and her family; he just hates them. He hates that Mom is happy, he hates that she isn't home enough, and he constantly accuses her of cheating, which is absurd because he tracks her every move. He even accuses us kids of being in a conspiracy against him. He saw a psychologist once, and the doctor told him he was either having or about to have a nervous breakdown, and honestly, that's how it looks. I've read about everything from midlife crises to bipolar disorder, but now I feel like I'm out of options except to ask if anyone else has dealt with this or knows what this could be. Sorry for the long post, but I'm not exaggerating—everything is just falling apart for no reason. Thanks in advance.

Is there any diabetes involved?

Rebecca Scott3 said:Being out of work, dealing with hormone crashes, and seeing your sex drive just tank—or disappear entirely—it all ties together. It might actually be the root cause behind the jealousy, the depression, the drinking, and that growing resentment toward his wife. You see men undergo these kinds of radical personality shifts all the time when they hit rock bottom like this. The most critical thing is for him to stop drinking and get into therapy. But, since he’s pretty old-school and conservative, making him see that might feel like an impossible mission. I honestly think things are just going to spiral unless there’s a massive, life-altering pivot. Whether it happens naturally or through a total shock to the system, he needs to be given a clear choice: either quit the booze and start counseling, or face a divorce so you can protect your own sanity and the well-being of your kids.
...every moment spent making excuses or waiting for things to fix themselves is just inviting even bigger disasters down the road.

It’s a lost cause. The one time he actually tried to go to counseling on his own, he picked some guy in another city thinking the therapist would just validate his delusions and agree that everyone is out to get him. Instead, the guy told him straight up that his behavior wasn't okay. Now, whenever we bring it up, he thinks we're just trying to make him look crazy. I guess I'm just hoping someone here who's dealt with this can tell me what's actually going on. Thanks.

coastalwolf87 said:redbadger162, are you absolutely sure he isn't seeing someone else on the side?

I don't know, he looks like he just stepped out of a prison camp. He seems way too bitter to be thinking about anyone else, I guess..

John Palmer9 said:Is there any diabetes involved?

No, but since he smokes three packs a day and barely eats anything, he’ll probably end up with something. You just can't live like that. He wasn't even sleeping at his own place last night; he was over at our house...

redbadger162 said:I don't know, he looks like he just stepped out of a prison camp. He seems way too bitter to be thinking about anyone else, I guess..

That's not necessarily the case. I have a family story that's almost identical. This guy was basically living a fairy tale—perfect family, totally mild-mannered, a real sweetheart. Then, overnight, he completely flipped. He became alienated, picked fights with everyone, just turned sour. His folks noticed this vacant stare, this total shift in his demeanor. He was snapping at everything, becoming paranoid, and incredibly stingy. Get this: he actually threatened to kick them out of the house within a month! Yeah, he started drinking too. It was like a different person entirely, and there was no obvious trigger. We were all genuinely worried he'd had a minor stroke or something had fried his brain cells. Turns out, he got tangled up at work with some drunk woman who systematically poisoned him against his wife and kids. Was it just a massive stress reaction to an impossible situation? Was he intentionally making life hell because he couldn't find a way out? Or did that witch actually brainwash him into feeling that much hate? I honestly have no clue.

coastalwolf87 said:That's not necessarily the case. I have a family story that's almost identical. This guy was basically living a fairy tale—perfect family, totally mild-mannered, a real sweetheart. Then, overnight, he completely flipped. He became alienated, picked fights with everyone, just turned sour. His folks noticed this vacant stare, this total shift in his demeanor. He was snapping at everything, becoming paranoid, and incredibly stingy. Get this: he actually threatened to kick them out of the house within a month! Yeah, he started drinking too. It was like a different person entirely, and there was no obvious trigger. We were all genuinely worried he'd had a minor stroke or something had fried his brain cells. Turns out, he got tangled up at work with some drunk woman who systematically poisoned him against his wife and kids. Was it just a massive stress reaction to an impossible situation? Was he intentionally making life hell because he couldn't find a way out? Or did that witch actually brainwash him into feeling that much hate? I honestly have no clue.

I wouldn't say no to that, honestly. Sometimes I think maybe it would even be less painful. My old man spent most of his time looking after my mom, and he's always hovering around the house anyway. If finding another woman makes him happy, I suppose we could deal with it, as long as he's healthy and calm.

Andrew Murphy5 said:Mine "snapped" from pure boredom about 15 years ago once he retired. Though, his version involved quitting drinking—so that’s a different kind of breakdown. Honestly, it’s just one of those things—different strokes for different folks. We don't talk much officially, mostly because everything he says usually turns into some sort of grievance or a jab at someone else. Life moves on, though. You gotta focus on your own lane. Once you're actually standing on your own two feet, you won't have the time or energy to worry about what everyone else is doing.

My younger brothers still need him around, though. He was always their role model—honestly, more than our mom was. And with my dad, talking to him is just constant insults. Like if Mom says, "Don't eat that for dinner, save it for breakfast," he'll just snap back with some sarcastic comment like, "Fine, I'm actually starving."

Maybe you should try getting your dad to see a specialist so they can run some head CT scans and MRIs.
A sudden shift in behavior like that is often a telltale sign of Alzheimer
.

I hear you. Honestly, the way you're looking at this just proves how much you truly love him.
But is there any chance he’d actually see a doctor? Maybe there's a real underlying health issue going on here.

Anthony Thomas13 said:Maybe you should try getting your dad to see a specialist so they can run some head CT scans and MRIs.
A sudden shift in behavior like that is often a telltale sign of Alzheimer
.

I'll try, but I guess it's going to be pretty tough to pull off.😕

I know how it goes—older folks can be incredibly stubborn when it comes to actually seeing a doctor, and if you’re specifically talking about the condition I mentioned, getting them through the door feels like trying to move a mountain. It becomes a near-impossible mission. But honestly, you just have to stay persistent and maybe get a little creative with your approach. One thing that might help is heading over to their primary care physician on your own first; just sit down with them, explain the whole situation, and see if you can coordinate a plan to get those specific tests scheduled. At least then you won't be left guessing, and you'll finally know exactly what kind of fight you're actually in.

Anthony Thomas13 said:I know how it goes—older folks can be incredibly stubborn when it comes to actually seeing a doctor, and if you’re specifically talking about the condition I mentioned, getting them through the door feels like trying to move a mountain. It becomes a near-impossible mission. But honestly, you just have to stay persistent and maybe get a little creative with your approach. One thing that might help is heading over to their primary care physician on your own first; just sit down with them, explain the whole situation, and see if you can coordinate a plan to get those specific tests scheduled. At least then you won't be left guessing, and you'll finally know exactly what kind of fight you're actually in.

I just want to finally get a clear answer on what’s going on. Though, honestly, I really hope it isn't Alzheimer's. He’s still sharp enough for now—he remembers everything, which usually means he ends up repeating it to everyone else. He just pulls it from memory and throws it at you.