My heart is hurting

Hey there, my dear friends! It’s been a little while since I’ve popped onto the forum, so first off, I just wanted to send everyone a huge, warm hello. I’m reaching out today because I really need to vent and share some of the pain I've been carrying, and I’m crossing my fingers that maybe some of you might have some helpful advice for me... So, here’s the situation. I’ve been married for eight years now, and we have three little ones. When we first got married, my mother-in-law was actually living under our roof with us. After a few years, I finally managed to convince her to move into her own place, though it was a real struggle to make that happen. But if you think that was bad, things took an even darker turn last year when my husband decided to move into the basement level of our house. Honestly, ever since we lived together, he’s never been satisfied with anything—he finds a flaw in absolutely everything. He’s been verbally abusive and incredibly belittling toward me, and it gets even worse because he’s said such horrible, nasty things right in front of the kids. It’s been nothing short of a living nightmare. 😠 As for being a father? He barely spends any quality time with them at all. He never takes them to a soccer game or to an arcade or anything fun like that. The only time he ever really takes them out is for maybe thirty minutes to run into a betting shop or a coffee house, which drives me absolutely crazy. I can somehow find the strength to push through the heartache he causes me, but lately, I’ve noticed this massive surge of disobedience and aggressive behavior from my son, who’s turning eight in just a few months. I am at a total loss. What am I supposed to do? With three kids, the entire weight of parenting falls squarely on my shoulders. I am completely exhausted from running around all day, cleaning up after everyone, and then having to deal with the constant fighting and the aggression my oldest son shows toward his younger brothers. The stress has become so physical that I’ve ended up with three ulcers in my stomach, and honestly, I’m starting to get a little scared for my own health. I wish I could just cry all this pain away; I think it would make things feel a little lighter. Please, if you have any suggestions or advice, I am begging you—I feel like I’m losing my mind. 🙂

Gerald Harris21 said:Hey there, my dear friends! It’s been a little while since I’ve popped onto the forum, so first off, I just wanted to send everyone a huge, warm hello. I’m reaching out today because I really need to vent and share some of the pain I've been carrying, and I’m crossing my fingers that maybe some of you might have some helpful advice for me... So, here’s the situation. I’ve been married for eight years now, and we have three little ones. When we first got married, my mother-in-law was actually living under our roof with us. After a few years, I finally managed to convince her to move into her own place, though it was a real struggle to make that happen. But if you think that was bad, things took an even darker turn last year when my husband decided to move into the basement level of our house. Honestly, ever since we lived together, he’s never been satisfied with anything—he finds a flaw in absolutely everything. He’s been verbally abusive and incredibly belittling toward me, and it gets even worse because he’s said such horrible, nasty things right in front of the kids. It’s been nothing short of a living nightmare. 😠 As for being a father? He barely spends any quality time with them at all. He never takes them to a soccer game or to an arcade or anything fun like that. The only time he ever really takes them out is for maybe thirty minutes to run into a betting shop or a coffee house, which drives me absolutely crazy. I can somehow find the strength to push through the heartache he causes me, but lately, I’ve noticed this massive surge of disobedience and aggressive behavior from my son, who’s turning eight in just a few months. I am at a total loss. What am I supposed to do? With three kids, the entire weight of parenting falls squarely on my shoulders. I am completely exhausted from running around all day, cleaning up after everyone, and then having to deal with the constant fighting and the aggression my oldest son shows toward his younger brothers. The stress has become so physical that I’ve ended up with three ulcers in my stomach, and honestly, I’m starting to get a little scared for my own health. I wish I could just cry all this pain away; I think it would make things feel a little lighter. Please, if you have any suggestions or advice, I am begging you—I feel like I’m losing my mind. 🙂

Look, it’s an issue, sure. But honestly? Don't overthink it. Just try to ignore what they're doing. Can you actually pull that off?

Just don't give them any oxygen. Your husband is going to react exactly how you expect him to, so once he’s finished venting, just go back to ignoring it. You can learn how to tune it out. It's a skill.

My husband is constantly being manipulated by his mother. Now that you've finally pushed her down a peg and moved her to the guest house, try actually standing your ground. Just leave her alone. It’s pretty standard for older women to survive on manipulation.

Taking the kid to a coffee shop isn't exactly high-brow parenting, but whatever. At least you’re actually spending time with him. Honestly, stop wasting energy attacking your husband or your mother-in-law. Just focus on your own life. Ignore them and try to get them out of your head entirely. It’ll probably take them about three months to realize you aren't playing by their rules anymore.

Quincy:

I manage to push through all the headaches he gives me, somehow. But lately, I've been noticing this massive streak of defiance and aggression from my son. He’s turning eight in a few months. What am I supposed to do about this?

It’s time to stop playing the saint and start being a lot tougher on your son. Push that discipline until he finally softens up. Honestly, there’s a good chance he’s being poisoned by his father, who's probably whispering in his ear that you don't matter. You need to prove him wrong. It’s going to take work, but you have to win your son back on your own terms.

Don't go out after 6 PM. Seriously. Unless you’ve got some damn good reason to be wandering around, just stay inside. Amen.

Give him a month of that kind of treatment and he'll be acting like a saint. 😁

Quincy:

There’s three of them. All the weight falls on me. I don’t have the energy to be running around all day, cleaning up after them, only to end the night watching them tear each other apart. Now there's even aggression being directed at my oldest son's brother. It's exhausting.

Who’s being aggressive here? Is it the kids? If his peers are the problem, then your husband seriously needs a reality check regarding how much he meddles in his own children's business. Go ahead, take the risk. Tell him he’s putting way too much pressure on both you and his mother, and maybe if he actually found a spare minute, he could try parenting his own kid instead. Jesus, what a man.

Quincy:

Stress finally caught up with me. I’ve ended up with three stomach ulcers, and honestly, I’m starting to get a little worried about myself. I wish I could just cry this pain away—it would make things a lot easier. Please, if anyone has any advice or suggestions, let me hear them. I'm at my wit's end here.🙂

Look, life isn't playing out exactly how you pictured it, but don't spiral. You have to cut down on the stress. You can't just let every little thing going on at home hit you all at once and beat you down. Stop letting those problems eat you alive.

Don't try to tackle everything at once. It's too much. Every morning, pick one small, easy task to knock out. Take this mountain of issues and face them "one by one." Just start fixing things. Once you get halfway through, you'll feel the weight lift. Give it two or three months, and things will slowly start looking up.

My oldest son, who’s almost eight now, has started acting really aggressive toward his little brother... Honestly, I feel like I'm backed into a corner and it's just heartbreaking. I truly appreciate your response, but I'm such an emotional person and I'm just at a loss for how to actually handle this—it's tearing me apart inside. I sometimes wish I could just grab my kids and get out of this house, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I can't help but feel like as the years go by, we're just sliding deeper into a dark hole...

Gerald Harris21 said:My oldest son, who’s almost eight now, has started acting really aggressive toward his little brother... Honestly, I feel like I'm backed into a corner and it's just heartbreaking. I truly appreciate your response, but I'm such an emotional person and I'm just at a loss for how to actually handle this—it's tearing me apart inside. I sometimes wish I could just grab my kids and get out of this house, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I can't help but feel like as the years go by, we're just sliding deeper into a dark hole...

Being emotional is fine, but that shouldn't mean you run away with your kids. Besides, wherever you end up, the problems will follow—just in different forms, right? Where’s paradise? Nowhere. And if you're on your own, it’s the same story.

See? If it isn't the husband, it's the kid. If it isn't them, it's the mother-in-law.

Everywhere you go, you have to stand your ground. Let's call it fighting for yourself.

If you ask me, you look pretty torn, exhausted, and spooked by all this. Maybe even lost. These issues might have just worn you down and changed you. But try approaching them coldly—treat it like a task you have to complete—and things might actually improve.

Being a good family member doesn't mean "running away" from them. The problems are there; let's deal with them now. They aren't as scary as they seem.

The biggest issue is the husband, in my opinion, because he's anything but a partner. But if you show him you're stable, maybe some lights will flicker on in his head—like realizing he shouldn't be prioritizing his mom over his actual family.

Wait for the day you wake up feeling refreshed, think through everything (let these tips sink in), and then just take charge. 🙂 Honestly, you don't even need to explain yourself to anyone; just decide one day to be the "supermom."

Btw, how old are you, if you don't mind me asking? 🙂

I'm 32 years old... Honestly, man, reading your posts just moved me to tears. Thank you so much for being so incredibly generous and understanding.

Gerald Harris21 said:I'm 32 years old... Honestly, man, reading your posts just moved me to tears. Thank you so much for being so incredibly generous and understanding.

32... yeah, we're basically the same age.😉 And thanks—glad to hear you feel that way.🙂

Just don't exhaust yourself trying to please everyone (especially your husband and mother-in-law). Focus on yourself. Be your own priority. Let them bark all they want; it doesn't matter.

If you show your husband and his mom that their opinions don't even register with you—including all that stuff they say behind your back—you'll finally become your own best friend. That’s what matters. Once you nail that, nothing will phase you anymore. Not even leaving if things get bad. Just focus on finding your strength.🙂

Eventually, those two will probably realize how stupid they were to talk trash about you. Anyway... never, ever look back at the gossip, now or later. If they want to bark, let 'em. They aren't worth the energy.😁

Gerald Harris21 said:Hey there, my dear friends! It’s been a little while since I’ve popped onto the forum, so first off, I just wanted to send everyone a huge, warm hello. I’m reaching out today because I really need to vent and share some of the pain I've been carrying, and I’m crossing my fingers that maybe some of you might have some helpful advice for me... So, here’s the situation. I’ve been married for eight years now, and we have three little ones. When we first got married, my mother-in-law was actually living under our roof with us. After a few years, I finally managed to convince her to move into her own place, though it was a real struggle to make that happen. But if you think that was bad, things took an even darker turn last year when my husband decided to move into the basement level of our house. Honestly, ever since we lived together, he’s never been satisfied with anything—he finds a flaw in absolutely everything. He’s been verbally abusive and incredibly belittling toward me, and it gets even worse because he’s said such horrible, nasty things right in front of the kids. It’s been nothing short of a living nightmare. 😠 As for being a father? He barely spends any quality time with them at all. He never takes them to a soccer game or to an arcade or anything fun like that. The only time he ever really takes them out is for maybe thirty minutes to run into a betting shop or a coffee house, which drives me absolutely crazy. I can somehow find the strength to push through the heartache he causes me, but lately, I’ve noticed this massive surge of disobedience and aggressive behavior from my son, who’s turning eight in just a few months. I am at a total loss. What am I supposed to do? With three kids, the entire weight of parenting falls squarely on my shoulders. I am completely exhausted from running around all day, cleaning up after everyone, and then having to deal with the constant fighting and the aggression my oldest son shows toward his younger brothers. The stress has become so physical that I’ve ended up with three ulcers in my stomach, and honestly, I’m starting to get a little scared for my own health. I wish I could just cry all this pain away; I think it would make things feel a little lighter. Please, if you have any suggestions or advice, I am begging you—I feel like I’m losing my mind. 🙂

You know what this is called? Psychological abuse. Why on earth would you let your kids witness this? It leaves scars—real ones—that stay with them forever.

Honestly, I just find a way to push through all the pain he puts me through—I somehow manage to endure it.

Why bother? Honestly, what is there to gain from that kind of suffering—aside from stomach ulcers and kids who grow up with behavioral issues?

Lately, I’ve been noticing this massive surge in defiance and aggressive behavior from my son—he’s actually turning eight in just a few months.

Unfortunately, this is exactly what you'd expect to see from a child who’s been witnessing domestic violence.

Is there actually a place where you can just go to get away from everything—a place where you can truly step back and leave it all behind?
I don't mean to come off as harsh—really, I don't—but I just don't see any way this situation can be fixed.
Being a good parent really comes down to one fundamental thing—you have to get your kids away from abusers. It’s that simple, even if it's incredibly difficult to actually do.

Lawrence Allen49 said:32... yeah, we're basically the same age.😉 And thanks—glad to hear you feel that way.🙂

Just don't exhaust yourself trying to please everyone (especially your husband and mother-in-law). Focus on yourself. Be your own priority. Let them bark all they want; it doesn't matter.

If you show your husband and his mom that their opinions don't even register with you—including all that stuff they say behind your back—you'll finally become your own best friend. That’s what matters. Once you nail that, nothing will phase you anymore. Not even leaving if things get bad. Just focus on finding your strength.🙂

Eventually, those two will probably realize how stupid they were to talk trash about you. Anyway... never, ever look back at the gossip, now or later. If they want to bark, let 'em. They aren't worth the energy.😁

But how exactly is she supposed to empower herself in a situation like this? Do you honestly think she can just wave a hand and dismiss them while her child is standing right there, watching his father subject his mother to domestic violence? How do you expect that kid to grow up with a healthy sense of self, or learn how to treat future partners, when he’s witnessing this kind of toxic dynamic from day one and absorbing these patterns?

Eric Gray2 said:But how exactly is she supposed to empower herself in a situation like this? Do you honestly think she can just wave a hand and dismiss them while her child is standing right there, watching his father subject his mother to domestic violence? How do you expect that kid to grow up with a healthy sense of self, or learn how to treat future partners, when he’s witnessing this kind of toxic dynamic from day one and absorbing these patterns?

The young lady uses some heavy regional slang, too—I doubt terms like "mental abuse" carry much weight over there. Honestly, those terms barely land here in the States, let alone in a place like that.

Bottom line: she has to stand her ground if she wants the talking to stop. Abuse is ultimately about power and control.

I mean, you don't just "move out" of your own house because someone’s badmouthing you, right?

ps: The damage is already done. To fix the situation, you have to change the dynamic so the scars fade. The best way to handle it? Just shut it down and walk away from the drama.

Lawrence Allen49 said:The young lady uses some heavy regional slang, too—I doubt terms like "mental abuse" carry much weight over there. Honestly, those terms barely land here in the States, let alone in a place like that.

Bottom line: she has to stand her ground if she wants the talking to stop. Abuse is ultimately about power and control.

I mean, you don't just "move out" of your own house because someone’s badmouthing you, right?

ps: The damage is already done. To fix the situation, you have to change the dynamic so the scars fade. The best way to handle it? Just shut it down and walk away from the drama.

It’s not about gossip for me, you totally misunderstood my point... I’m practically the one footing the bill for these kids on my own. I’ve been playing both mom and dad at the same time. Like I told you before, it absolutely cuts deep when someone tries to turn your own children against you. I would give my last drop of blood for them.

Gerald Harris21 said:It’s not about gossip for me, you totally misunderstood my point... I’m practically the one footing the bill for these kids on my own. I’ve been playing both mom and dad at the same time. Like I told you before, it absolutely cuts deep when someone tries to turn your own children against you. I would give my last drop of blood for them.

I didn't say anything against that. I'm just offering advice on how to fix a family if it's even possible. You've got an 8-year-old, so that's 10 years together. That's a long time. You don't spend a decade with someone for nothing.

I wouldn't act like that. If my wife lost her mind, I'd do everything in my power to get her back on track, even if it meant compromising my own ego. If I have a family, it’s pretty absurd to think I'm more important than everyone else—thinking I can "just leave" because my "crazy wife is acting out."

Divorce always brings a whole new set of headaches. I know, because I have plenty of female friends who went through it and are now single moms.

From where I'm sitting, here’s the issue: your husband is stuck in a "blood pact" with his mother. It's the classic old story—jealous mother-in-law vs. the sane wife. Instead of focusing on their family, they're busy talking behind your back. And now it's bleeding into the kids. That's something that can be fixed.

To break that alliance between him and his mom, you need to stop giving either of them even 5% of your energy. They need to realize they're wrong on their own. Stop being afraid of them. Don't react to whatever your husband or mother-in-law says. Just stay completely cold to it, like everything is perfectly fine at home. At least try it. 🙂

You're both parents. Leaving just creates more mess. Custody battles, child support, the financial strain, finding a new place to live... marriage isn't some nightclub you can just walk out of at 5 AM. 😁 And if he does the same thing in the next relationship, then what?

Look, if your husband is turning the kids against you, you need to show some teeth so he learns not to do that in this marriage. That's much easier than getting a divorce.

You might even be able to manage the mother-in-law so things run smoothly, but you have to keep your cool. That's really all there is to it.

Lawrence Allen49, first off—she specifically said they’ve been married for eight years, so where are you getting this idea about them being together for ten?
Second, we aren't talking about gossip here; we're talking about abuse.
Third, staying in a toxic marriage can be just as damaging to kids as getting a divorce actually is.
Fourth, if she doesn't protect her child from emotional abuse—which includes witnessing domestic violence, and keep in mind, that violence can be purely verbal—then she’s just as responsible as the abuser.

Look, without wanting to offend anyone, I honestly don't care how people choose to live their lives or whether she decides to endure this forever—that's her call—but she does have an obligation to spare her children from it. A kid isn't acting out because they're "bad" (so there's no need for stricter discipline), it's more likely that they're just confused, terrified, and completely overwhelmed by the chaos at home, and they simply don't know any other way to let those emotions out.

Eric Gray2, have you even considered that she might just be broke and unable to afford a move? Is that something you've factored in?

If the oldest kid is eight, you have to account for at least a year of pregnancy plus a year of getting to know her husband. We’re looking at a ten-year timeline here.

I'm with Lawrence Allen49 on this one. Just try to ignorati the husband and the mother-in-law entirely, and stay firm with the child. People find ways to survive even when things get ugly. Is there any actual domestic violence happening toward you or the kids?

I honestly can't believe what I'm reading 🤷
"Just ignore the abuse and focus on being more disciplined with an abused child."
I just can't deal with this. Good luck to the authors, you're going to need it.

Eric Gray2 said:I honestly can't believe what I'm reading 🤷
"Just ignore the abuse and focus on being more disciplined with an abused child."
I just can't deal with this. Good luck to the authors, you're going to need it.

What exactly would you suggest doing if you were trapped in an abusive situation with absolutely no money to move out? 😕

Hey, you should really take a look at this thread on domestic violence over at Žud

I’m not sure if it’ll help much, but maybe reading about how others dealt with similar situations—and how they actually managed to get away—might offer some perspective. It’s a long, exhausting battle, I know. But please, just try to believe in yourself.

Good luck.

Eric Gray2 said:Lawrence Allen49, first off—she specifically said they’ve been married for eight years, so where are you getting this idea about them being together for ten?
Second, we aren't talking about gossip here; we're talking about abuse.
Third, staying in a toxic marriage can be just as damaging to kids as getting a divorce actually is.
Fourth, if she doesn't protect her child from emotional abuse—which includes witnessing domestic violence, and keep in mind, that violence can be purely verbal—then she’s just as responsible as the abuser.

Look, without wanting to offend anyone, I honestly don't care how people choose to live their lives or whether she decides to endure this forever—that's her call—but she does have an obligation to spare her children from it. A kid isn't acting out because they're "bad" (so there's no need for stricter discipline), it's more likely that they're just confused, terrified, and completely overwhelmed by the chaos at home, and they simply don't know any other way to let those emotions out.

I realized I misread that part—it said the kid is 8, not that they've been married that long. So maybe they've actually been together for 11 years. Austin Hill6 called me out on it, and honestly, looking at it now, Eric Gray2, you aren't wrong. 😁 So, let’s do the math. One year dating, one year having sex, one year of pregnancy, plus eight years of raising the kid... that’s eleven years minimum. :P

Would you really spend eleven years with someone you can't stand? Like, stay together long enough to have three kids? I highly doubt it.

Look, we’re talking about slander here. She straight up admitted she can put up with her husband. But the kids? That's where she draws the line. There isn't any actual abuse happening, but the kids are already out there on the streets running wild.

Look, Eric Gray2, I get where you're coming from, but let's be real—every single family deals with this stuff. In my house, we talk behind each other's backs constantly. My dad will throw shade at my mom, then my mom turns around and gives him grief right back. I usually just tune out the noise, try to steer them in a better direction when things get heated, and at the end of the day, I love them both. They care about each other too, even if they act like total jerks sometimes. Sure, we've had our fair share of friction over the last few months, but that's just life. You think families are some perfect Hollywood production? Think again. 😁

You're exaggerating. Seriously. You can take that whole argument and shove it.🙂 That’s just great. You went and put a dog like that in your avatar. Real classy move right there. 😁

Look, I've dealt with my fair share of family drama and gossip. My advice? Just tune it out. Ignore the noise and stay cool. Over time, things usually level out to a five out of ten anyway. Gossip is just a standard part of family life—it happens everywhere. If she works on her charisma a bit, she could be doing great in six months.

That’s going to happen in this house and the next one, too. Leaving is fine, but only once you've completely run out of love for everyone—for the husband, for the family, all that stuff. Once the feeling is totally gone.

Every marriage hits bumps in the road. People should spend more time learning how to actually navigate those ups and downs instead of just memorizing textbooks and theories about family life. Divorce... honestly, that’s always the last resort for me. It doesn't just wreck things for the mom and dad; it hits the kids hardest. I really have to wonder what goes through a parent's head when they decide divorce is their "only" option left. ☕

Hey everyone... I feel like some people have gotten the wrong idea about my situation, so I wanted to write this post to give you a clearer picture of what’s actually going on in my household. First off, please don't think my kids are a burden to me—not at all! I'm just deeply worried about how my oldest son is acting lately. He’s been acting really aggressive toward his younger brothers; he yells at them out of nowhere and gets physical, which is so hard to watch because he used to be such a gentle little soul. Now, my husband has never laid a hand on me, and honestly, I'd almost prefer that over the way things are now—being left completely alone to raise three boys while he goes off to live with his mother. I’ve tried to swallow my pride and accept this whole mess just for the sake of the kids, but do you know what it feels like to be insulted every single day? To have someone tell you you're nothing when you know you're worth so much more? It’s been like this for ten years. He hasn't even taken the boys to their soccer games; they're three boys, after all, and it feels like they're at the bottom of his priority list. I mentioned before that he restricts my access to money, too. What am I supposed to do with $250? By the time I buy sneakers for the boys or basic hygiene supplies, it’s all gone, and he couldn't care less. My husband runs his own successful business and brings in plenty of money, yet here I am, drowning in debt. It makes me wonder... am I just a fool? Am I being stupid? I don't even know anymore. Just three weeks ago, we didn't even have a place to eat upstairs because our old table and chairs were falling apart, and once again, I was the one who had to scramble, grab the checks, and go out to buy us new furniture. I am truly looking to change something in my life. I crave peace, and I want to be able to help my kids, because I can see how much they are struggling, too. Listen, I know love comes and goes, and you're supposed to respect your spouse and stand by them through thick and thin, but I feel like I've been totally abandoned. All I really want is to provide a sense of peace for my children.

Lawrence Allen49, do you honestly think any of this would be happening if there was actually some love in the equation? I really don't think so... As for getting a divorce, honestly, it’s better to just go through with it—especially when you're dealing with someone like my husband. I'd rather scrape by on bread and salt every single day if that's what it takes, just to have some peace of mind and feel calm again inside.

Gerald Harris21 said:Lawrence Allen49, do you honestly think any of this would be happening if there was actually some love in the equation? I really don't think so... As for getting a divorce, honestly, it’s better to just go through with it—especially when you're dealing with someone like my husband. I'd rather scrape by on bread and salt every single day if that's what it takes, just to have some peace of mind and feel calm again inside.

Honestly, I think you're great.🙂

You know what's best for yourself. Look, I haven't been married—certainly not for ten years—but if I were to marry someone and have three kids, I'd want it to still mean something even after fifty years. Hopefully. But you've lived through it, so you're the expert here.

That said, if you think you'll fare better on your own (and like you said, you're already solo, so you know how tough that is), then I'm behind you.

I'm not telling anyone—especially not you—that you *have* to stay married. It's just that nowadays, people jump ship over things that could have been fixed, only to drift into new disasters that are way harder to fix than the first ones.

As for your husband, I'm not sure what to tell you. Honestly, I'm surprised he even caught your eye in the first place.😉 Ali, there are plenty of husbands like him out there today. A lot of "fathers" don't actually grow up until they hit 50...

The reality is that you and your husband have drifted apart. The question is "why." Try working on that first. If it still doesn't work... then leave. That’s what I’d do.

ps: Regarding your son, you need to be firm. It's just how it works. When he makes you angry, stop holding back or trying to be the "nice mom." Just blow up. Let it out, yell, and let him realize he's dealing with a different version of Mom.

It's normal for aggression and attitude to spike as they grow up. Us people on the forum can't really help much other than suggesting you lay down the law. You need to do it sooner rather than later, before he gets used to thinking you'll cave when he acts out. Not just him, either—any kid who does this.

You'll actually be helping him more than you realize by standing your ground instead of just nagging.