I've lost my faith

Since that moment, I have felt completely adrift. It feels as though almost every desire I once held has simply evaporated. I find myself caught in a void where I lack the will to live, yet I possess no drive to die. A profound passivity has taken hold of my entire existence; I can go days without eating, and my interactions with other people have dwindled to nearly nothing. My father was always a man of intense aggression, and my mother—who used to be quite passive and prone to depression—has eventually become much like him. While I went through various phases of anger and fear for a while, I have now drifted back to the state I’ve inhabited most of my life, only now this apathy feels more extreme than ever before.
One of the few remaining flickers of desire is the reason I am writing this, though I am at a loss as to how to escape this current state. It deeply worries me that even this small hope for recovery might soon vanish, and who knows how long it might take to resurface again. There is also this lingering realization that when I do feel a spark, my only fantasy is to be someone entirely different from who I am, or perhaps to write something like this. A large part of me suspects that even this effort is ultimately in vain.

I truly understand what you're going through, because believe me, I’ve been right where you are. Why bother living or putting effort into anything when everything eventually fades into nothingness? It feels like there's just no point, doesn't it?

The truth is, this happens because your environment has molded you into someone you aren't—someone you don't even want to be—and now you feel stuck in a version of yourself that you can't seem to shake off.

The most effective thing you can do to break free from that influence is to distance yourself from your surroundings as much as possible, simply because they keep you trapped in a state of constant passivity. When people realize how messy and broken the world around them actually is, many turn to drugs as an escape, but I really wouldn't recommend that path; you'll just end up caught in this Limbo between reality and a fantasy world, and eventually, all those suppressed frustrations will come crashing back down on you.

Instead, I suggest you dive into some of the spirituality threads here on the forum and perhaps spend some time watching Science Magazine on YouTube; there is such fascinating esoteric content available if you look for it. The first thing you need to realize, much like my own community has realized, is that so many of the things causing you mental anguish are actually quite harmless, provided you learn to listen to your heart, especially since so many vital truths are hidden or distorted in today's society.

Another crucial step is to physically remove yourself from your current environment, even if it's just for a weekend trip or something longer; honestly, it's better to go with someone you trust rather than venturing out alone. You see so many young people who find absolutely nothing stimulating in their hometowns, so they decide to explore the world, traveling away from home for months at a time, and they always tell you it was the greatest experience of their lives, just wandering through the heat and the rain, day and night.

Withdrawing from my surroundings won't make much of a difference. I have no desire to go exploring; honestly, I'm just exhausted by the idea of traveling. I’ve tried being alone before, which offered some relief, but it was only temporary. I can't exactly head out with anyone else since I don't really socialize, yet I lack the drive to change that either. Attempting to lead an adventurous life only intensified my sense of nausea—I gave it a shot, and it simply didn't work.

So, you used to be different, but you aren't anymore? How exactly do you listen to your heart? Have you truly grasped that vital truth you mentioned? What specific truth were you referring to?

Carol Kelly2 said:Withdrawing from my surroundings won't make much of a difference. I have no desire to go exploring; honestly, I'm just exhausted by the idea of traveling. I’ve tried being alone before, which offered some relief, but it was only temporary. I can't exactly head out with anyone else since I don't really socialize, yet I lack the drive to change that either. Attempting to lead an adventurous life only intensified my sense of nausea—I gave it a shot, and it simply didn't work.

So, you used to be different, but you aren't anymore? How exactly do you listen to your heart? Have you truly grasped that vital truth you mentioned? What specific truth were you referring to?

What you're describing sounds a lot like symptoms of depression. Here is a link so you can see if your experience matches up. If the answer is YES, the best move is to talk to a professional who can give you a proper diagnosis and find the right treatment—you'll feel so much better afterward. And if you read the whole article, you'll find some alternative ways to help yourself, too.

Anyone who truly awakens to the inherent futility of existence eventually finds themselves trapped in this exact predicament.
In Confessions, Tolstoy wrote:
"Life became loathsome to me—an irresistible force drove me to seek an end to my existence by any means necessary. I cannot say that I wished to die. Rather, the force pulling me away from life was more powerful, more absolute, and more pervasive. It was a force much like my former will to live, only acting in the opposite direction."

"I realized that I had only truly lived when I believed in God..."

Jacob Mitchell3 said:Anyone who truly awakens to the inherent futility of existence eventually finds themselves trapped in this exact predicament.
In Confessions, Tolstoy wrote:
"Life became loathsome to me—an irresistible force drove me to seek an end to my existence by any means necessary. I cannot say that I wished to die. Rather, the force pulling me away from life was more powerful, more absolute, and more pervasive. It was a force much like my former will to live, only acting in the opposite direction."

"I realized that I had only truly lived when I believed in God..."

The only two things that are actually senseless here are generalizing based on this one case—because I personally haven't found myself in a situation like that—and the way people act like this whole "life vs. nothingness" dichotomy is some massive deal. It’s honestly not even surprising that people... well, run off into those strictly controlled daycare centers.
Quincy:

Tolstoy wrote in Confession: "Life became loathsome to me—some irresistible force was driving me to find any way possible to rid myself of existence. I can't say I wanted to kill myself. The force pulling me away from life was stronger, more complete, and all-encompassing. It was a force similar to my previous will to live, just acting in the opposite direction."

It’s honestly pretty pathetic when people turn to fiction just to try and find answers for reality.
Quincy:

"I remembered that I had only truly lived when I believed in God..."

And instead of actually focusing on something meaningful, he just fills his own emptiness with something as flimsy as Swiss cheese. Talking about holes...

Look, you should probably talk to a priest or a therapist. You’re showing some pretty clear signs of depression—it's better to deal with that stuff while it's still in the early stages before it spirals.
Anyway, just reach out to someone. Sitting around the house isn't going to get you anywhere; you'll just stay stuck in the same spot.
Good luck.

Peter Phillips32 said:The only two things that are actually senseless here are generalizing based on this one case—because I personally haven't found myself in a situation like that—and the way people act like this whole "life vs. nothingness" dichotomy is some massive deal. It’s honestly not even surprising that people... well, run off into those strictly controlled daycare centers.
Quincy:

Tolstoy wrote in Confession: "Life became loathsome to me—some irresistible force was driving me to find any way possible to rid myself of existence. I can't say I wanted to kill myself. The force pulling me away from life was stronger, more complete, and all-encompassing. It was a force similar to my previous will to live, just acting in the opposite direction."

It’s honestly pretty pathetic when people turn to fiction just to try and find answers for reality.
Quincy:

"I remembered that I had only truly lived when I believed in God..."

And instead of actually focusing on something meaningful, he just fills his own emptiness with something as flimsy as Swiss cheese. Talking about holes...

If that's the case, you aren't TRULY aware of how meaningless life can be.

It is a tragedy when people retreat into fiction to hunt for answers to reality.

Leo Tolstoy describes his own experience of losing faith and confronting the void while he was at the absolute pinnacle of his social and professional standing.

And rather than engaging with anything substantive, he fills that emptiness with something as trivial as Swiss cheese. Talking about holes...

Are you suggesting that the man who penned "War and Peace" simply needed a hobby to stay busy? 🤣
He understood perfectly well that the immense effort poured into his writing was ultimately futile and devoid of inherent value.
Yet, even while teetering on the edge of self-destruction, he eventually discovered purpose through Christian faith, finding profound inspiration in the quiet simplicity of an American farmer's life.

I mean, what does "the meaning of life" even actually signify? It honestly feels like one of the most ridiculous phrases ever cooked up...

Jacob Mitchell3 said:If that's the case, you aren't TRULY aware of how meaningless life can be.

It is a tragedy when people retreat into fiction to hunt for answers to reality.

Leo Tolstoy describes his own experience of losing faith and confronting the void while he was at the absolute pinnacle of his social and professional standing.

And rather than engaging with anything substantive, he fills that emptiness with something as trivial as Swiss cheese. Talking about holes...

Are you suggesting that the man who penned "War and Peace" simply needed a hobby to stay busy? 🤣
He understood perfectly well that the immense effort poured into his writing was ultimately futile and devoid of inherent value.
Yet, even while teetering on the edge of self-destruction, he eventually discovered purpose through Christian faith, finding profound inspiration in the quiet simplicity of an American farmer's life.

For some people, that exact realization brings nothing but relief—this joyful epiphany that since absolutely nothing matters, we aren't tied down by any obligations. We can chase any goal we want, or just ditch goals entirely and simply flow with the energy of life.

In those folks, absurdity creates a sense of pure freedom.

Other people, though? That same realization leads them straight into the terror of nihilism. To me, nihilism is death for the mind—a cancer of the soul, a way of seeing the world that drives you straight into madness.

Leo Tolstoy describes his own experience losing faith and facing that void of meaning, happening right when he was at the absolute peak of his private and professional life.

Are you ruling out the possibility that Leo Tolstoy was actually suffering from depression?

Quincy:

Are you ruling out the possibility that Leo Tolstoy suffered from depression?

I find that unlikely. He possessed a profound zest for life—an appreciation for women, for social engagement, a certain sensuality and passion. His anxiety didn't strike when he was lacking; rather, it took hold precisely when he had achieved everything he set out to do.
He spiraled into a crisis once he confronted the reality of mortality. He realized that death is an absolute end, and that his literary efforts might eventually fade into obscurity just as surely as he himself would vanish. He began to wonder why one should endure such struggle at all, questioning whether life is merely a fleeting intoxication that masks a deeper deception.
He ultimately sought refuge in religion, concluding that a life without God is unsustainable. To him, faith was the only mechanism capable of providing purpose, tempering human selfishness, teaching morality, and finally dismantling the paralyzing fear of death.

Jacob Mitchell3 said:Quincy:

Are you ruling out the possibility that Leo Tolstoy suffered from depression?

I find that unlikely. He possessed a profound zest for life—an appreciation for women, for social engagement, a certain sensuality and passion. His anxiety didn't strike when he was lacking; rather, it took hold precisely when he had achieved everything he set out to do.
He spiraled into a crisis once he confronted the reality of mortality. He realized that death is an absolute end, and that his literary efforts might eventually fade into obscurity just as surely as he himself would vanish. He began to wonder why one should endure such struggle at all, questioning whether life is merely a fleeting intoxication that masks a deeper deception.
He ultimately sought refuge in religion, concluding that a life without God is unsustainable. To him, faith was the only mechanism capable of providing purpose, tempering human selfishness, teaching morality, and finally dismantling the paralyzing fear of death.

Honestly, I suspect he was depressed. That’s what American psychiatrists suggest, anyway. Wrestling with the perceived meaninglessness of existence is a classic symptom of depression. Even Leo Tolstoy attempted suicide a few times—which is just another symptom of suicidal depression.

He wrote in one of his letters, "If it were impossible to live, then one would kill oneself; and consequently one cannot speak of life as being unbearable. The possibility of killing himself has been given to man, and therefore he may kill himself, and he continually uses this right - when he kills himself in duels, in war, by dissipation, wine, tobacco, opium, etc."

In his book titled 'A Confession', Leo Tolstoy wrote about his inner struggle to find the meaning of his life. He explains how he decided to bury himself in his work in order to avoid facing the deeper questions of life. But the more he tried to avoid, the more problems began to torture him.

As time marched on, his bouts of depression grew more frequent and more intense, threatening him. He began to think that only death can save him from the smothering depression.

Since we've shifted from spirituality to psychology, I want to briefly circle back to the spiritual side of things. I'd argue that while life might truly lack an inherent meaning, when that realization arrives as a spiritual breakthrough, it brings a sense of relief and personal freedom. When thoughts of meaninglessness are coupled with intense mental anguish, then we are looking at a depressive state of mind.

Sandra Morgan2 said:Honestly, I suspect he was depressed. That’s what American psychiatrists suggest, anyway. Wrestling with the perceived meaninglessness of existence is a classic symptom of depression. Even Leo Tolstoy attempted suicide a few times—which is just another symptom of suicidal depression.

He wrote in one of his letters, "If it were impossible to live, then one would kill oneself; and consequently one cannot speak of life as being unbearable. The possibility of killing himself has been given to man, and therefore he may kill himself, and he continually uses this right - when he kills himself in duels, in war, by dissipation, wine, tobacco, opium, etc."

In his book titled 'A Confession', Leo Tolstoy wrote about his inner struggle to find the meaning of his life. He explains how he decided to bury himself in his work in order to avoid facing the deeper questions of life. But the more he tried to avoid, the more problems began to torture him.

As time marched on, his bouts of depression grew more frequent and more intense, threatening him. He began to think that only death can save him from the smothering depression.

Since we've shifted from spirituality to psychology, I want to briefly circle back to the spiritual side of things. I'd argue that while life might truly lack an inherent meaning, when that realization arrives as a spiritual breakthrough, it brings a sense of relief and personal freedom. When thoughts of meaninglessness are coupled with intense mental anguish, then we are looking at a depressive state of mind.

But depression isn't the cause; it is the consequence of becoming aware of that perceived void.
Consequently, such a condition cannot be cured by psychiatrists or medication alone. It can only be resolved when an individual discovers their own purpose in life and work—a task for which no one else can provide the answer.
It is a cornered, inescapable feeling, which explains why so many people desperately turn to faith.
What else is left for them to do?

Jacob Mitchell3 said:But depression isn't the cause; it is the consequence of becoming aware of that perceived void.
Consequently, such a condition cannot be cured by psychiatrists or medication alone. It can only be resolved when an individual discovers their own purpose in life and work—a task for which no one else can provide the answer.
It is a cornered, inescapable feeling, which explains why so many people desperately turn to faith.
What else is left for them to do?

I see it differently. Suffering from a lack of meaning is just a symptom of depression. Meaninglessness doesn't cause depression. If it did, anyone who had a deep thought about how pointless life is would spiral into a breakdown, but that's not how it works. Most people can debate the meaning of life endlessly without feeling any despair at all.

Some people, upon realizing this, learn to enjoy the moment. They view life as a cosmic joke, embrace the "wu wei" path, and just flow with the river of existence—unburdened by the fact that their tiny lives won't leave a mark on the planet or be remembered by their great-grandchildren in a hundred years. But others feel that emptiness as a massive black hole they can't fill, a terrifying void within them calling toward death. That's all down to a lack of serotonin in the brain, not the concept of meaning itself.

But for the original poster and any other depressed readers out there—even in the face of that dark abyss of meaninglessness—take comfort in this: depression puts you in very good company. You're among incredibly gifted, brilliant, and respected individuals, and Leo Tolstoy is just one of many famous depressed people
.

Sandra Morgan2 said:I see it differently. Suffering from a lack of meaning is just a symptom of depression. Meaninglessness doesn't cause depression. If it did, anyone who had a deep thought about how pointless life is would spiral into a breakdown, but that's not how it works. Most people can debate the meaning of life endlessly without feeling any despair at all.

Some people, upon realizing this, learn to enjoy the moment. They view life as a cosmic joke, embrace the "wu wei" path, and just flow with the river of existence—unburdened by the fact that their tiny lives won't leave a mark on the planet or be remembered by their great-grandchildren in a hundred years. But others feel that emptiness as a massive black hole they can't fill, a terrifying void within them calling toward death. That's all down to a lack of serotonin in the brain, not the concept of meaning itself.

But for the original poster and any other depressed readers out there—even in the face of that dark abyss of meaninglessness—take comfort in this: depression puts you in very good company. You're among incredibly gifted, brilliant, and respected individuals, and Leo Tolstoy is just one of many famous depressed people
.

I’d argue it’s actually the exact opposite. Those first group you mentioned? They can experience those things because they have enough serotonin to manufacture a "good feeling" out of thin air. In a sense, it acts like a natural high. Non-depressed, "normal" people are essentially just life-junkies who perceive reality through a distorted lens, much like anyone struggling with addiction.

😬

Sandra Morgan2 said:I see it differently. Suffering from a lack of meaning is just a symptom of depression. Meaninglessness doesn't cause depression. If it did, anyone who had a deep thought about how pointless life is would spiral into a breakdown, but that's not how it works. Most people can debate the meaning of life endlessly without feeling any despair at all.

Some people, upon realizing this, learn to enjoy the moment. They view life as a cosmic joke, embrace the "wu wei" path, and just flow with the river of existence—unburdened by the fact that their tiny lives won't leave a mark on the planet or be remembered by their great-grandchildren in a hundred years. But others feel that emptiness as a massive black hole they can't fill, a terrifying void within them calling toward death. That's all down to a lack of serotonin in the brain, not the concept of meaning itself.

But for the original poster and any other depressed readers out there—even in the face of that dark abyss of meaninglessness—take comfort in this: depression puts you in very good company. You're among incredibly gifted, brilliant, and respected individuals, and Leo Tolstoy is just one of many famous depressed people
.

I mean, honestly, who in God's name does that actually help?

I really don't see the point of these kinds of threads... I've opened them myself in the past, sure, but for heaven's sake... once someone starts a topic like this, there's really only one sensible thing you can say;

- nobody here can actually help you, please seek professional assistance -

What more is there to discuss? It isn't even about why someone posts such a thread—fine, they're looking for help however they know how, or maybe they don't even know what they're looking for themselves, which is understandable enough—the issue is that people start responding with all sorts of mindless nonsense...
There are endless links out there already, threads on depression have been posted a thousand times, and the whole concept of nihilism has been picked apart in several other discussions... none of it actually accomplishes anything effective...

lonegardener said:I’d argue it’s actually the exact opposite. Those first group you mentioned? They can experience those things because they have enough serotonin to manufacture a "good feeling" out of thin air. In a sense, it acts like a natural high. Non-depressed, "normal" people are essentially just life-junkies who perceive reality through a distorted lens, much like anyone struggling with addiction.

😬

And yeah, you're spot on... It really makes you stop and wonder what reality actually is.

Carol Kelly2 said:Since that moment, I have felt completely adrift. It feels as though almost every desire I once held has simply evaporated. I find myself caught in a void where I lack the will to live, yet I possess no drive to die. A profound passivity has taken hold of my entire existence; I can go days without eating, and my interactions with other people have dwindled to nearly nothing. My father was always a man of intense aggression, and my mother—who used to be quite passive and prone to depression—has eventually become much like him. While I went through various phases of anger and fear for a while, I have now drifted back to the state I’ve inhabited most of my life, only now this apathy feels more extreme than ever before.
One of the few remaining flickers of desire is the reason I am writing this, though I am at a loss as to how to escape this current state. It deeply worries me that even this small hope for recovery might soon vanish, and who knows how long it might take to resurface again. There is also this lingering realization that when I do feel a spark, my only fantasy is to be someone entirely different from who I am, or perhaps to write something like this. A large part of me suspects that even this effort is ultimately in vain.

You didn't mention what you actually do during the day (if you do anything at all). Have you maybe sustained any head injuries? And how’s your sleep lately?
But hey,
before you can tackle that state you described, you really have to accept where you are and decide to grab the reins—to start steering your life in a different direction, rather than letting this situation "drive" you.
I truly believe it's possible! Now, is it easy? Not at first—not by a long shot—but over time, even small changes can start looking pretty promising!
At the end of the day, nobody can force you into productive activities except yourself.
So, to get started, you essentially have to become your own "drill sergeant," if you will.

It sounds to me like you're running low on fuel because of some kind of internal blockage or an energy leak somewhere in your system—or perhaps someone else is draining your battery. You know, that kind of thing where someone "feeds" off your energy to function better themselves, even if no one realizes it's happening.
Here is what I would do if I were in your shoes: I’d make a mental commitment to help myself through sheer discipline and consistency. Of course, medical help isn't off the table—it's actually highly recommended, though you should be careful because we all know doctors don't always prescribe the best treatments!

We all tend to accumulate this stagnant, harmful energy, and you need to "burn" it off. Try getting some physical exercise—start slow, at your own pace, and create your own program. Just don't overdo it, or you'll end up feeling worse instead of better! You shouldn't push past about 50% to 70% of your maximum capacity. Ideally, exercises should feel comfortable—like stretching or light muscle engagement—just pushing to a point of comfort. Focus your attention entirely on your body and how it reacts; stay mentally engaged in the movement, because the results are incomparably better when you do! You could also try taking gentle walks, joining a local club if you have the time, or picking up tasks that actually seem interesting to you—without forcing yourself into obligations you don't care about.
Besides burning off energy, staying active helps you get more oxygen into your system—something most of us struggle with, and a lack of oxygen can actually trigger all sorts of physical and mental health issues.
Because, honestly, what might be happening is that your cells have lost that vital, natural rhythm they need to keep a healthy body functioning, simply because of long-standing habits or routines.

Try cutting back on the soda—especially the ice-cold stuff—and just ditch those other bad habits bit by bit. It’s all about the small shifts! I’m talking about cleaning up your diet and maybe aiming to hit the hay around 10 PM.

Here's the most important part, though: don't you dare give up, no matter how impossible things might feel right now. There is always a way out! It really just comes down to our mindset—how much power we decide to give to the things that are trying to tear us down. If we stop letting them win, they lose their grip.
Let's be real, isn't it true that almost everyone goes through some kind of major life drama or hits a rough patch? Especially nowadays, it feels like it's happening to everyone.

👍

Stop wasting time on mindless distractions. Get outside, get some sun, and find a skill you actually care about—something that lets you show the world what you're made of.

Carol Kelly2 said:Withdrawing from my surroundings won't make much of a difference. I have no desire to go exploring; honestly, I'm just exhausted by the idea of traveling. I’ve tried being alone before, which offered some relief, but it was only temporary. I can't exactly head out with anyone else since I don't really socialize, yet I lack the drive to change that either. Attempting to lead an adventurous life only intensified my sense of nausea—I gave it a shot, and it simply didn't work.

So, you used to be different, but you aren't anymore? How exactly do you listen to your heart? Have you truly grasped that vital truth you mentioned? What specific truth were you referring to?

It’s actually okay if you're disillusioned with this world and stop looking for happiness within it—just try not to retreat so far into your own head that you stop building who you are. You've realized this world feels dead, so now you need to find actual life. As for those people you see appearing satisfied in this world (whether they're just acting or they lack an inner life entirely and are effectively "dead" themselves), just ignore them if their noise disrupts your internal peace.

Close your external eyes, ears, senses, and tastes; basically, tune out the physical. From within, ignore the calls of the "rational operator"—that part of the mind that thinks it has permission to run, even though the connection between your heart and mind is severed, leaving the rational side without its counterweight or the right code to process things. Right now, that logic is like a tumor preventing you from grasping the spiritual realm. Ignore when it tells you to do things that your heart already knows are wrong. Instead, lean into those primal qualities you were born with—the ones that soften your inner self—which you can only rediscover once you let go of that rationalist mindset. Once you do that, the blockage clears, allowing you to feed both your mind and spirit, finally giving you a sense of existence that transcends the world and its constant impulses.

I might have condensed the big picture into a smaller frame here, but I hope you found the truth and recognized the underlying mechanism in what I wrote. If you want to dive deeper, feel free to send me a DM.