Started by Matthew Jones16 · · 👁 7 views · 67 replies
Matthew Jones16 said:I have this theory that they’re essentially gaslighting me, trying to force me into being more empathetic or focusing on other people's needs, presumably so I’ll feel better and finally commit to that girl.
but honestly, all they actually managed to achieve was leaving me feeling like I had a heavy weight pressing down on my skull for two straight months. I couldn't sleep for anything, and I think I lost about five pounds just from the sheer anxiety of it all... But that part is over now; it's been two months since I started having positive thoughts regarding their massive little psychological game. Though, I suppose the FBI still occasionally pokes at me, hinting that someone might take their own life, or someone will end up killing someone else, or maybe I'll just wind up in a psychiatric ward.
If I didn't convince myself that they actually have good intentions, I probably would have sent them all a scathing message via DM a hundred times over by now...
yet I keep telling them that this whole approach is a mistake, because any social interaction I have with people I don't truly trust is going to remain entirely superficial. And that goes for my own parents as well, I guess.
As far as the girl is concerned, I care about her more than anyone else... though, I suppose the others are decent enough too.
crimsoncanyon2 said:Look, Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you question your own sanity—your ability to perceive reality or draw logical conclusions based on actual facts. And trust me, someone doing that isn't looking out for your best interests, let alone trying to teach you how to love people better...
They want you to doubt yourself, and once you do that, you'll start doubting everything else too...
If you're still so head-over-heels for this girl, why are we even talking about an ex?
crimsoncanyon2 said:Look, Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you question your own sanity—your ability to perceive reality or draw logical conclusions based on actual facts. And trust me, someone doing that isn't looking out for your best interests, let alone trying to teach you how to love people better...
They want you to doubt yourself, and once you do that, you'll start doubting everything else too...
If you're still so head-over-heels for this girl, why are we even talking about an ex?
Matthew Jones16 said:well, yeah, but they actually managed to make me want to retreat from people even more than before.
I suppose I have one question, though; if I am paranoid, then Gaslighting shouldn't really work on me. I still find myself trusting my own instincts more than anyone else regarding everything that has gone down over the last six months. In all likelihood, I will probably trust myself more than anyone else forever. What they were doing was just being dismissive. But it seems like they all just want to convince me that I'm wrong, and now they are even frequently denying things they previously stated as fact. They want to force me into a position where I have to trust them all again, but if I do trust them, then I am essentially doubting my own mind.
Is paranoia somehow a defense against Gaslighting?
Though, I can't help but feel that my psychiatrist might be involved in this too. It turns out he is likely a friend of a friend of my mother's.
because there is a massive difference in how the psychiatrist I found treats me compared to the one my mother sourced for me.
their approaches aren't even remotely the same
but I guess none of that matters much, since most of these people I'm suspicious of will eventually fade out of my life or I'll just see them occasionally.
Matthew Jones16 said:Well, it's because one of my buddies told me that I was actually in a relationship with her, since it lasted about two months, but he only said that after we had already broken up. While we were still seeing each other, that same friend kept telling me that what I had with her wasn't anything serious and suggested I should find some other girl who actually wants to be with me. Neither of us ever explicitly mentioned being in a "relationship"; I just assumed it was casual, or just hanging out. In my head, though, we were over the moment she found a rebound boyfriend. But then everyone started meddling, almost like they were staging scenes just so I’d "accidentally" run into them together...
But she lashed out at me during our exchange of things, while I was more focused on confessions and secrets—which, I guess, might lead toward a relationship?
And after that, she told me not to reach out to her anymore. Then her rebound guy started bothering me all over Facebook until I finally blocked him.
But I don't see how that's just "casual" if she's analyzing me, trying to figure out what I'm emotionally attached to, and demanding that I give it up (which I interpret as doing it for her). That doesn't seem like typical casual behavior, does it?
And what kind of "just hanging out" involves exchanging stuff and secrets? Usually, it's things that actually hold meaning, like drawings or books from childhood...
It really irritates me, quite frankly, how everyone felt the need to step in and get involved. I personally think these things should remain private, especially at the very beginning.
Matthew Jones16 said:Well, it's because one of my buddies told me that I was actually in a relationship with her, since it lasted about two months, but he only said that after we had already broken up. While we were still seeing each other, that same friend kept telling me that what I had with her wasn't anything serious and suggested I should find some other girl who actually wants to be with me. Neither of us ever explicitly mentioned being in a "relationship"; I just assumed it was casual, or just hanging out. In my head, though, we were over the moment she found a rebound boyfriend. But then everyone started meddling, almost like they were staging scenes just so I’d "accidentally" run into them together...
But she lashed out at me during our exchange of things, while I was more focused on confessions and secrets—which, I guess, might lead toward a relationship?
And after that, she told me not to reach out to her anymore. Then her rebound guy started bothering me all over Facebook until I finally blocked him.
But I don't see how that's just "casual" if she's analyzing me, trying to figure out what I'm emotionally attached to, and demanding that I give it up (which I interpret as doing it for her). That doesn't seem like typical casual behavior, does it?
And what kind of "just hanging out" involves exchanging stuff and secrets? Usually, it's things that actually hold meaning, like drawings or books from childhood...
It really irritates me, quite frankly, how everyone felt the need to step in and get involved. I personally think these things should remain private, especially at the very beginning.
Matthew Jones16 said:I suppose there are three main reasons why they are doing this to me, assuming their intentions are actually good.
1. They keep accusing me of being a bad person based solely on things I’ve said or stories I’ve told about myself, rather than looking at my actual actions. (Being bad personally, and potentially affecting those around me). I honestly think all of this is just nonsense.
2. They want me to love that girl more than I love myself.
3. They are trying to pressure me into getting motivated and finally enrolling in college.
4. It might be because they completely misinterpreted what I said about how every social interaction carries some sort of utility. In my view, the most useful people are those who make me feel happy—people I am willing to go out of my way for, or have already done things for, and there aren't many of them. These are people I can trust and who have a positive impact on me. Perhaps they thought I was looking for something else from people? I don't even know what else there could be, because this is what matters most to me.
Though, I must admit, I have used certain people somewhat for the sake of having a place to eat. I suppose that counts as exploiting them.
Lately, I have tried to use every single friend I have just to reach a resolution in this whole situation. That is likely why everyone is starting to matter to me less and less.
My theory is that the more you exploit someone, the less they will mean to you. Conversely, the more someone exploits you, the more they will mean to you, though they might also end up causing you some harm. So, I guess one should be careful about who they give themselves to.
They want me to start behaving better toward my friends and girls, and to be more generous, so that I might grow to love them even more.
Maybe that girl wants me to abandon the truth just for her sake, seeing as how much the truth means to me. She probably doesn't want it to look like I am using her just to uncover the truth.
But, if you ask me, I don't see it that way, because the truth revolves around her. And for me to overcome this massive conspiracy, it is primarily about proving myself to her, while also trying to restore some sense of security among my friends.
Matthew Jones16 said:Two girls were online at the exact same time. This guy was just going back and forth, pushing toward one girl first, and then suddenly he started pushing me toward the other one. I suppose his take actually carries some weight for me because:
1. If he’s trying to set me up with one of them, it might imply she’s still interested in me—otherwise, why would he even be bothering to play matchmaker unless someone specifically told him to check things out?
2. I tend to value certain people's perspectives when it comes to choosing between women, mostly because I feel like I lack sufficient experience in that particular department.
The less I know about a subject, the more I find myself listening to someone who actually understands it... isn't that just basic logic??? Unless, of course, I get the feeling he's just trying to screw me over because he knows I'm out of my depth.
Matthew Jones16 said:I suppose I’ve had two truly sincere friends in my entire life. However, having spent the last year basically in total isolation playing video games, that sense of connection has weakened quite a bit. Naturally, those friendships aren't what they were on day one. This whole situation hit me right during a period of crisis—when I stopped playing Dota 2, when I stopped talking to this girl I’d been in love with for six months (which was the longest I've ever felt that way, and the second most intense), and when I started experimenting with how I interact with others and trying to socialize with all sorts of different people.
The thing is, both of these two supposedly sincere friends are making me doubt them. It seems fairly obvious to me that they are involved in the manipulation. One keeps trying to trigger my guilt by constantly asking me how I feel about her. The other just keeps flooding me with every possible association related to her.
I have to admit, even though this whole mess started seven months ago, I didn't really begin doubting these two until recently, mostly because I saw them more frequently. But for the last two months now, I've been suspicious of both of them.
And the reason I suspect them is that it became a global issue once I noticed that they, too, began acting differently—and they share the exact same circle of friends that I do.
Honestly, if this is Gaslighting, it was far too obvious from the very beginning to actually work. I mean, first off, people I trust the least started acting as if they were operating on me, then four people suddenly changed their entire behavioral patterns, and some others were just messing around with the whole situation, which made it all much too apparent.
But these past two months have been the worst two months of my life. I have never experienced fears like this before—the terrifying thought that someone might kill me, or kill my father, or throw me out onto the streets, or have an innocent person thrown into prison or a mental asylum.
Though, looking back at the timeline, I realize my father actually started bringing people around to talk to me long before any of this happened, all to try and convince me to enroll in art school. So, I guess the roots of all this go back even further than when that girl appeared. In my mind, she was supposed to be the one to persuade me to go to art school, but instead, she fell for me and wanted to help solve my social struggles. That just added two more layers to the whole narrative. Meanwhile, I completely spiraled over some fourth, entirely different issue, which caused me to retreat from everyone, shut myself away, and just binge eat for two months. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even speak, eventually realizing there was no actual reason to be afraid and that everyone just wants what's best for me.
Matthew Jones16 said:I suppose I’ve had two truly sincere friends in my entire life. However, having spent the last year basically in total isolation playing video games, that sense of connection has weakened quite a bit. Naturally, those friendships aren't what they were on day one. This whole situation hit me right during a period of crisis—when I stopped playing Dota 2, when I stopped talking to this girl I’d been in love with for six months (which was the longest I've ever felt that way, and the second most intense), and when I started experimenting with how I interact with others and trying to socialize with all sorts of different people.
The thing is, both of these two supposedly sincere friends are making me doubt them. It seems fairly obvious to me that they are involved in the manipulation. One keeps trying to trigger my guilt by constantly asking me how I feel about her. The other just keeps flooding me with every possible association related to her.
I have to admit, even though this whole mess started seven months ago, I didn't really begin doubting these two until recently, mostly because I saw them more frequently. But for the last two months now, I've been suspicious of both of them.
And the reason I suspect them is that it became a global issue once I noticed that they, too, began acting differently—and they share the exact same circle of friends that I do.
Honestly, if this is Gaslighting, it was far too obvious from the very beginning to actually work. I mean, first off, people I trust the least started acting as if they were operating on me, then four people suddenly changed their entire behavioral patterns, and some others were just messing around with the whole situation, which made it all much too apparent.
But these past two months have been the worst two months of my life. I have never experienced fears like this before—the terrifying thought that someone might kill me, or kill my father, or throw me out onto the streets, or have an innocent person thrown into prison or a mental asylum.
Though, looking back at the timeline, I realize my father actually started bringing people around to talk to me long before any of this happened, all to try and convince me to enroll in art school. So, I guess the roots of all this go back even further than when that girl appeared. In my mind, she was supposed to be the one to persuade me to go to art school, but instead, she fell for me and wanted to help solve my social struggles. That just added two more layers to the whole narrative. Meanwhile, I completely spiraled over some fourth, entirely different issue, which caused me to retreat from everyone, shut myself away, and just binge eat for two months. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even speak, eventually realizing there was no actual reason to be afraid and that everyone just wants what's best for me.
Matthew Jones16 said:I suppose I’ve had two truly sincere friends in my entire life. However, having spent the last year basically in total isolation playing video games, that sense of connection has weakened quite a bit. Naturally, those friendships aren't what they were on day one. This whole situation hit me right during a period of crisis—when I stopped playing Dota 2, when I stopped talking to this girl I’d been in love with for six months (which was the longest I've ever felt that way, and the second most intense), and when I started experimenting with how I interact with others and trying to socialize with all sorts of different people.
The thing is, both of these two supposedly sincere friends are making me doubt them. It seems fairly obvious to me that they are involved in the manipulation. One keeps trying to trigger my guilt by constantly asking me how I feel about her. The other just keeps flooding me with every possible association related to her.
I have to admit, even though this whole mess started seven months ago, I didn't really begin doubting these two until recently, mostly because I saw them more frequently. But for the last two months now, I've been suspicious of both of them.
And the reason I suspect them is that it became a global issue once I noticed that they, too, began acting differently—and they share the exact same circle of friends that I do.
Honestly, if this is Gaslighting, it was far too obvious from the very beginning to actually work. I mean, first off, people I trust the least started acting as if they were operating on me, then four people suddenly changed their entire behavioral patterns, and some others were just messing around with the whole situation, which made it all much too apparent.
But these past two months have been the worst two months of my life. I have never experienced fears like this before—the terrifying thought that someone might kill me, or kill my father, or throw me out onto the streets, or have an innocent person thrown into prison or a mental asylum.
Though, looking back at the timeline, I realize my father actually started bringing people around to talk to me long before any of this happened, all to try and convince me to enroll in art school. So, I guess the roots of all this go back even further than when that girl appeared. In my mind, she was supposed to be the one to persuade me to go to art school, but instead, she fell for me and wanted to help solve my social struggles. That just added two more layers to the whole narrative. Meanwhile, I completely spiraled over some fourth, entirely different issue, which caused me to retreat from everyone, shut myself away, and just binge eat for two months. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even speak, eventually realizing there was no actual reason to be afraid and that everyone just wants what's best for me.
I suppose one might wonder if there is ever a possibility where you choose to be entirely transparent with certain people—to the point of absolute vulnerability, I guess—only to have them take that information and circulate it among their own circle of acquaintances. It could happen without any actual malice intended, perhaps just through mindless gossip, and then you find yourself suddenly confronted by the unsettling realization that others are now aware of your weaknesses. It’s a rather unsettling thought, isn't it?
I suppose I find that whole argument somewhat lacking in logic, if I'm being perfectly honest. Most people—I am referring to actual living, breathing human beings that we encounter in our daily lives, rather than some theoretical concept—tend to harbor this deep-seated belief that they are the smartest individuals in any given room, or at least that their grasp on reality is superior to everyone else's. It isn't just a baseless assumption, I guess; there is a reason why people say:
Opinions are a lot like an ass, I suppose; everyone seems to have one, and they aren't always particularly pleasant to deal with.
I suppose it would be more logical, if one were being truly pragmatic, to operate under the assumption that you possess the most comprehensive understanding of a subject, yet—and I say this with all due respect to the complexities of human ego—never actually concede that advantage when you happen to encounter someone who might be slightly more intelligent or perhaps just more deeply informed than yourself. Instead, it seems much more efficient, I guess, to simply absorb the knowledge or the specific data points from that individual—provided you have judged them to be more advanced than your own current standing—and then merely integrate those new insights into the existing framework of what you already know.
I suppose one could argue that information or knowledge acquired from others only truly gains any sort of inherent value in direct proportion to how useful it proves to be to you personally, though I guess that’s a somewhat cynical way of looking at it. It seems to me that unless there is some practical application for what someone else knows, it remains rather inert, which might be a bit blunt, but perhaps it's just the reality of things.
Matthew Jones16 said:I suppose there exists this specific subset of people whose conduct I have always found myself observing, mostly because their behavior strikes me as rather peculiar since it deviates so consistently from the norm. It’s quite an interesting thing to contemplate, really. Some of these individuals possess a behavioral pattern that remains remarkably static, which I find fascinating in its own way, while others seem to be constantly shifting their personas or altering how they carry themselves from one moment to the next. I guess it just makes them worth watching.
I suppose I have always been acutely aware of people like that—I find myself subconsciously absorbing their mannerisms, their specific way of speaking, and all those little nuances—yet, strangely enough, I often felt quite comfortable in their presence at the same time. That said, I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them; I certainly wouldn't take so much as an aspirin from their hands. There were moments when I felt I might just tell them straight to their faces that we would never cross paths again, and that I would never share anything of substance with them ever again. I actually managed to avoid that happening with one particular individual, mostly because he happened to be quite decent to one of my closest confidants, which probably kept me from cutting him off entirely.
I suppose people were likely under the impression that they could just spin me around by my finger, though, in truth, I was merely living under the delusion that they actually intended to do so. It is also quite possible, I guess, that they directed those same sentiments toward my ex-girlfriend.
Now, if someone were actually out to kill me, that would be an entirely different matter altogether... but what I am dealing with here is a genuine sense of paranoia that has taken hold of me, I suppose, stemming from a series of associations that have surfaced amidst this whole ordeal. Given the sheer scale of everything involved, I don't think it would even be prudent for me to discuss the full extent of it, as the experience was truly harrowing. Though, I should probably mention that she did play a role in the situation, even if she wasn't the primary focus of the events themselves.I suppose one might wonder if there is ever a possibility where you choose to be entirely transparent with certain people—to the point of absolute vulnerability, I guess—only to have them take that information and circulate it among their own circle of acquaintances. It could happen without any actual malice intended, perhaps just through mindless gossip, and then you find yourself suddenly confronted by the unsettling realization that others are now aware of your weaknesses. It’s a rather unsettling thought, isn't it?
No. I suppose I already felt like I had lost my entire footing the moment I allowed myself to be vulnerable... and that was exactly when I chose to be. I truly believed I had one or two rock-solid pillars of support specifically for moments like this, but they both failed me right at the critical juncture. It isn't even that I had many things weighing on me before this; I didn't really feel like there was much out there that could actually threaten me if I decided to speak my mind to others.
I suppose I felt a certain sense of security when I was around those two, though I suspect that feeling was really just the byproduct of years of knowing them personally. It’s hard to put into words, but I didn't quite find that same level of stability or comfort with anyone else, I guess.
I suppose there is one more thing worth noting. My parents would never dream of drugging me, mostly because they have absolutely zero faith in pharmaceutical interventions. They actually know a psychiatrist, so they understand how this all works. In my estimation, these medications are at least fifty percent—if not entirely—placebo. It feels like the whole system is just designed to give me the illusion that I am actually undergoing treatment, making me believe the pills are doing something when they really aren't. To be honest, I find myself placing much more trust in the placebo effect than in any actual medical therapy. I am currently taking five tablets a day across three different types, but I suspect that perhaps only one or two are even active; the rest are almost certainly just placebos, if they aren't all just sugar pills to begin with.I suppose I find that whole argument somewhat lacking in logic, if I'm being perfectly honest. Most people—I am referring to actual living, breathing human beings that we encounter in our daily lives, rather than some theoretical concept—tend to harbor this deep-seated belief that they are the smartest individuals in any given room, or at least that their grasp on reality is superior to everyone else's. It isn't just a baseless assumption, I guess; there is a reason why people say:
Opinions are a lot like an ass, I suppose; everyone seems to have one, and they aren't always particularly pleasant to deal with.
I suppose it would be more logical, if one were being truly pragmatic, to operate under the assumption that you possess the most comprehensive understanding of a subject, yet—and I say this with all due respect to the complexities of human ego—never actually concede that advantage when you happen to encounter someone who might be slightly more intelligent or perhaps just more deeply informed than yourself. Instead, it seems much more efficient, I guess, to simply absorb the knowledge or the specific data points from that individual—provided you have judged them to be more advanced than your own current standing—and then merely integrate those new insights into the existing framework of what you already know.
I suppose one could argue that information or knowledge acquired from others only truly gains any sort of inherent value in direct proportion to how useful it proves to be to you personally, though I guess that’s a somewhat cynical way of looking at it. It seems to me that unless there is some practical application for what someone else knows, it remains rather inert, which might be a bit blunt, but perhaps it's just the reality of things.
There is one side of me that struggles with this, yet on the other hand, I find that I often hold a deep respect for people who simply excel at things that matter to me. Being better than me at a particular skill doesn't necessarily mean they possess some innate, superior knowledge—though they probably do—but rather, it might just be that they were willing to put in a greater amount of effort than I was.
I suppose if I find myself going out of my way to praise someone else, it might mean that I actually hold them in some level of regard, perhaps because of certain specific traits they possess or maybe just because of things they’ve managed to accomplish.
I suppose there are certain individuals out there who might be significantly more accomplished than I am, though, if I’m being honest, I suspect they don't actually possess as much depth of knowledge regarding this specific field as I do. Nevertheless, I find that I hold a profound sense of respect for them, and I guess their acknowledgement carries far more weight with me than any kind of recognition from anyone else.
I suppose I am often accused of viewing people through a purely utilitarian lens, though I find that assessment somewhat imprecise. In my own estimation, I have simply developed a personal framework for navigating social interactions—categorizing individuals into those I might subtly leverage, those who remain entirely neutral, and those whom I fear might exploit me, or perhaps those where I might permit a certain degree of exploitation myself, provided it stays within reasonable bounds. It is just the way I have always been, I guess; this is the manner in which I have existed throughout my life.
But I suppose all of this coincided with a phase where I was essentially experimenting with the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. You know, navigating whether to use people or be used, trying to maintain a sense of superiority versus being inferior, deciding when to let people walk all over you or how to convince someone that things are a certain way... I had been deep in that kind of psychological experimentation for about two months already. Then, out of nowhere, this whole situation blew up, and it just so happened that this girl seemed to possess an uncanny amount of knowledge regarding the exact topics I had been obsessing over during that window. In fact, she started pitching these concepts to me that I had actually intended to pitch to her. On top of that, during that specific timeframe, I was also caught up in this somewhat misguided attempt to be as objective and honest as possible—which, if I’m being honest, is probably quite foolish and entirely impossible.
Socially speaking, I think I was a complete disaster before this period, though I suspect the primary culprit was that I had become far too preoccupied with athletics and my illustration work. I poured everything I had into sports, placing it at the very forefront of my life because it made me feel genuinely good and content. And I think that was largely because I was doing it out of pure passion rather than some sort of calculated self-interest.
Matthew Jones16 said:I suppose there exists this specific subset of people whose conduct I have always found myself observing, mostly because their behavior strikes me as rather peculiar since it deviates so consistently from the norm. It’s quite an interesting thing to contemplate, really. Some of these individuals possess a behavioral pattern that remains remarkably static, which I find fascinating in its own way, while others seem to be constantly shifting their personas or altering how they carry themselves from one moment to the next. I guess it just makes them worth watching.
I suppose I have always been acutely aware of people like that—I find myself subconsciously absorbing their mannerisms, their specific way of speaking, and all those little nuances—yet, strangely enough, I often felt quite comfortable in their presence at the same time. That said, I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them; I certainly wouldn't take so much as an aspirin from their hands. There were moments when I felt I might just tell them straight to their faces that we would never cross paths again, and that I would never share anything of substance with them ever again. I actually managed to avoid that happening with one particular individual, mostly because he happened to be quite decent to one of my closest confidants, which probably kept me from cutting him off entirely.
I suppose people were likely under the impression that they could just spin me around by my finger, though, in truth, I was merely living under the delusion that they actually intended to do so. It is also quite possible, I guess, that they directed those same sentiments toward my ex-girlfriend.
Now, if someone were actually out to kill me, that would be an entirely different matter altogether... but what I am dealing with here is a genuine sense of paranoia that has taken hold of me, I suppose, stemming from a series of associations that have surfaced amidst this whole ordeal. Given the sheer scale of everything involved, I don't think it would even be prudent for me to discuss the full extent of it, as the experience was truly harrowing. Though, I should probably mention that she did play a role in the situation, even if she wasn't the primary focus of the events themselves.I suppose one might wonder if there is ever a possibility where you choose to be entirely transparent with certain people—to the point of absolute vulnerability, I guess—only to have them take that information and circulate it among their own circle of acquaintances. It could happen without any actual malice intended, perhaps just through mindless gossip, and then you find yourself suddenly confronted by the unsettling realization that others are now aware of your weaknesses. It’s a rather unsettling thought, isn't it?
No. I suppose I already felt like I had lost my entire footing the moment I allowed myself to be vulnerable... and that was exactly when I chose to be. I truly believed I had one or two rock-solid pillars of support specifically for moments like this, but they both failed me right at the critical juncture. It isn't even that I had many things weighing on me before this; I didn't really feel like there was much out there that could actually threaten me if I decided to speak my mind to others.
I suppose I felt a certain sense of security when I was around those two, though I suspect that feeling was really just the byproduct of years of knowing them personally. It’s hard to put into words, but I didn't quite find that same level of stability or comfort with anyone else, I guess.
I suppose there is one more thing worth noting. My parents would never dream of drugging me, mostly because they have absolutely zero faith in pharmaceutical interventions. They actually know a psychiatrist, so they understand how this all works. In my estimation, these medications are at least fifty percent—if not entirely—placebo. It feels like the whole system is just designed to give me the illusion that I am actually undergoing treatment, making me believe the pills are doing something when they really aren't. To be honest, I find myself placing much more trust in the placebo effect than in any actual medical therapy. I am currently taking five tablets a day across three different types, but I suspect that perhaps only one or two are even active; the rest are almost certainly just placebos, if they aren't all just sugar pills to begin with.I suppose I find that whole argument somewhat lacking in logic, if I'm being perfectly honest. Most people—I am referring to actual living, breathing human beings that we encounter in our daily lives, rather than some theoretical concept—tend to harbor this deep-seated belief that they are the smartest individuals in any given room, or at least that their grasp on reality is superior to everyone else's. It isn't just a baseless assumption, I guess; there is a reason why people say:
Opinions are a lot like an ass, I suppose; everyone seems to have one, and they aren't always particularly pleasant to deal with.
I suppose it would be more logical, if one were being truly pragmatic, to operate under the assumption that you possess the most comprehensive understanding of a subject, yet—and I say this with all due respect to the complexities of human ego—never actually concede that advantage when you happen to encounter someone who might be slightly more intelligent or perhaps just more deeply informed than yourself. Instead, it seems much more efficient, I guess, to simply absorb the knowledge or the specific data points from that individual—provided you have judged them to be more advanced than your own current standing—and then merely integrate those new insights into the existing framework of what you already know.
I suppose one could argue that information or knowledge acquired from others only truly gains any sort of inherent value in direct proportion to how useful it proves to be to you personally, though I guess that’s a somewhat cynical way of looking at it. It seems to me that unless there is some practical application for what someone else knows, it remains rather inert, which might be a bit blunt, but perhaps it's just the reality of things.
There is one side of me that struggles with this, yet on the other hand, I find that I often hold a deep respect for people who simply excel at things that matter to me. Being better than me at a particular skill doesn't necessarily mean they possess some innate, superior knowledge—though they probably do—but rather, it might just be that they were willing to put in a greater amount of effort than I was.
I suppose if I find myself going out of my way to praise someone else, it might mean that I actually hold them in some level of regard, perhaps because of certain specific traits they possess or maybe just because of things they’ve managed to accomplish.
I suppose there are certain individuals out there who might be significantly more accomplished than I am, though, if I’m being honest, I suspect they don't actually possess as much depth of knowledge regarding this specific field as I do. Nevertheless, I find that I hold a profound sense of respect for them, and I guess their acknowledgement carries far more weight with me than any kind of recognition from anyone else.
I suppose I am often accused of viewing people through a purely utilitarian lens, though I find that assessment somewhat imprecise. In my own estimation, I have simply developed a personal framework for navigating social interactions—categorizing individuals into those I might subtly leverage, those who remain entirely neutral, and those whom I fear might exploit me, or perhaps those where I might permit a certain degree of exploitation myself, provided it stays within reasonable bounds. It is just the way I have always been, I guess; this is the manner in which I have existed throughout my life.
But I suppose all of this coincided with a phase where I was essentially experimenting with the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. You know, navigating whether to use people or be used, trying to maintain a sense of superiority versus being inferior, deciding when to let people walk all over you or how to convince someone that things are a certain way... I had been deep in that kind of psychological experimentation for about two months already. Then, out of nowhere, this whole situation blew up, and it just so happened that this girl seemed to possess an uncanny amount of knowledge regarding the exact topics I had been obsessing over during that window. In fact, she started pitching these concepts to me that I had actually intended to pitch to her. On top of that, during that specific timeframe, I was also caught up in this somewhat misguided attempt to be as objective and honest as possible—which, if I’m being honest, is probably quite foolish and entirely impossible.
Socially speaking, I think I was a complete disaster before this period, though I suspect the primary culprit was that I had become far too preoccupied with athletics and my illustration work. I poured everything I had into sports, placing it at the very forefront of my life because it made me feel genuinely good and content. And I think that was largely because I was doing it out of pure passion rather than some sort of calculated self-interest.