How to walk away from a toxic relationship

So, I went and did it AGAIN.

I’ve somehow managed to stumble back into another one of those situations that isn't actually a relationship at all. I’m doing this for all the wrong reasons—mostly just because I’m feeling lonely, frustrated with everything else going on in my life, or maybe just out of pure ego, self-sabotage, or curiosity. It definitely isn't because I actually like him or feel any kind of affection.

The guy is someone I honestly just wanted to be friends with—well, maybe not even that, but whatever, loneliness does weird things to you. He was just so incredibly persistent that we slowly drifted into something more "official," or at least that’s how he sees it. He calls it a relationship, whereas for me, it’s just something I turn to when I’m going through a rough patch. I don't want anyone to know we're even hanging out, but he’s over here acting like we're soulmates. He’s already talking about marriage and acting like this is some grand romance, which is honestly exhausting since I don't even like him; if anything, he’s starting to really get on my nerves. I tell myself I'll end it every single time, but then something goes wrong in my life and I end up seeking him out out of sheer spite for my circumstances. It’s never even my idea to see him; he basically maneuvers me into it.

I realize this is probably a much deeper issue than just a bad dating choice, and I guess a therapist would have more to say about it, but I figured I'd ask if anyone else has dealt with something similar. Does anyone know how to actually break out of a cycle like this?

Once you finally get your own house in order, then—and only then—will you actually have the clarity to walk away from that relationship... I honestly can't think of anything more intelligent to say to you...

Well, I guess you did a pretty decent job summarizing everything 🙂, but honestly, if anyone here has actually dealt with something similar, maybe you could point out some details I haven't quite wrapped my head around yet 🙂

Easy. You just look him in the eye and say, "I'm done. We're over."

Don't get bogged down in the "why" (the whole "I'm unhappy" or "I don't love you anymore" thing). Honestly? Just skip it. If you give him reasons, he’ll see them as problems to solve. He’ll promise to change, you’ll feel guilty and give him another shot—and before you know it, you’re right back in that same exhausting loop.

State your business, let him vent or throw a tantrum if he needs to, but don't budge. And for heaven's sake, don't let the breakup drag on forever.

Maybe you could try finding something you’re genuinely awesome at, just to give yourself a little boost of confidence and start feeling better about who you are! Honestly, I don't think getting tangled up with someone you have feelings for is the best move right now either; you really need to learn to love yourself and be perfectly happy on your own first, so that if you do get into a relationship later, it's actually a healthy one.

The whole situation you've got going on with this guy... well, you can see for yourself that it isn't working out, and frankly, it feels pretty self-destructive. If you keep going down this path, that friendship you two once shared is just going to turn into pure resentment. You should probably try to walk away from this as soon as you possibly can.

Oh, great, those idiots put my thread under Psychology. Just wonderful. They might as well have dumped it straight into a mental health ward on US soil. I mean, what kind of twisted moderators are we even dealing with here? Is it just their logic that anyone facing any kind of struggle at all automatically belongs in a psych ward?

Eric Newman75 said:Easy. You just look him in the eye and say, "I'm done. We're over."

Don't get bogged down in the "why" (the whole "I'm unhappy" or "I don't love you anymore" thing). Honestly? Just skip it. If you give him reasons, he’ll see them as problems to solve. He’ll promise to change, you’ll feel guilty and give him another shot—and before you know it, you’re right back in that same exhausting loop.

State your business, let him vent or throw a tantrum if he needs to, but don't budge. And for heaven's sake, don't let the breakup drag on forever.

The thing is, my own life is kind of a mess right now too, and he isn't exactly a saint himself. I've told him more than once that I'm done, but he just completely ignores me. I mean, a sane person would have walked away by now, even if it was just to save their own pride.😕

brightotter24 said:So, I did it AGAIN.

I fell back into some kind of relationship that isn't even a real relationship, all because of totally wrong reasons—like loneliness, being fed up with everything else in life, ego issues, self-sabotage, or just pure curiosity. It definitely wasn't because I actually liked him or felt any kind of spark.

It’s this guy I originally just wanted to be friends with—well, maybe not even friends, but whatever, loneliness does things to you. He was so incredibly persistent that we drifted into something more. He calls it a "relationship" and all that, but for me, it’s just someone I hang out with when I'm going through a crisis. I don't want anyone to know we're even seeing each other. Meanwhile, he’s acting like this is his big thing, talking about how he wants to marry me and pretending there's this massive romance happening, even though I don't even like him. Honestly, he kind of repulses me. I tell myself I'll end it every single time, but then something goes sideways in my life and somehow, out of pure spite toward fate, I end up with him (not that it's ever my idea; he basically pushes it on me).

I get that my issue is probably deeper than this, maybe something for a therapist to dig into, but hey, has anyone dealt with anything similar? And how do I break out of this vicious cycle?

I should also mention that I told him right off the bat that I wasn't interested, but he just ignored it. That's weird, right? Most guys would have bailed just to save face. Plus, I think I keep giving him non-verbal signals that I *am* attracted to him, which makes it worse.

Just dump the guy and find someone who actually fits you emotionally and physically, so you aren't stuck posting stuff like this on a forum or feeling like crap. As for him, he got what he wanted, in the most slimy, snake-like way possible, but he still got it...

Matthew Miller28 said:Just dump the guy and find someone who actually fits you emotionally and physically, so you aren't stuck posting stuff like this on a forum or feeling like crap. As for him, he got what he wanted, in the most slimy, snake-like way possible, but he still got it...

I mean, I suppose I agree that he handled things in a pretty greasy way, though I haven't actually slept with him or anything. He’s gone around telling his parents and all his friends that he wants to marry me, 🤦
so I’m honestly not even sure if he truly got what he wanted.
Plus, the guy gets incredibly jealous whenever I hang out with other guys.

Not exactly my idea of a healthy move. 🤷
How do you even start planning a wedding when you just met them? 😕

Larry Moore87 said:Not exactly my idea of a healthy move. 🤷
How do you even start planning a wedding when you just met them? 😕

Well, I kind of agree that it might not be the healthiest approach, though he keeps insisting he's dated plenty of people before but that I'm somehow "the one" for him, lol. We've only really known each other for about a month and a half, I guess.

If I were you, I’d watch my step. Honestly, looking at everything you just said, I don't see this turning out well. 😢

Larry Moore87 said:If I were you, I’d watch my step. Honestly, looking at everything you just said, I don't see this turning out well. 😢

😕 It all feels kind of pointless, though—why bother with these kinds of predictions? If I just write him off now, then what? I mean, I guess there's always a risk involved, but that's just how things go with people, I suppose.

aha, don't let him talk you into it again....it’d be like saying you should only see him once life totally kicks your ass, except this isn't even a long-term thing, it's just been a month and a half. You seem way too easygoing here and he's clearly taking advantage. As for marriage? Don't sweat it, man, he's just trying to get laid. He probably hasn't seen anything like you before since he's being so desperate to force a relationship with someone who literally told him she's not interested, just so he can win you over....whatever, I guess he's a real catch.
Once things actually go south, you're gonna be in deep and won't be able to shake him. If only you were more mentally stable, but honestly, he'll probably get what he wants long before you ever get justice.

brightotter24 said:😕 It all feels kind of pointless, though—why bother with these kinds of predictions? If I just write him off now, then what? I mean, I guess there's always a risk involved, but that's just how things go with people, I suppose.

Look, if he's acting like this now, dragging it out for another two or three months before you ditch him, you're just asking for trouble. You could end up turning him into a total psycho who won't stop making your life a living hell. Just end it ASAP. Like they say, go find someone you actually like... or if you can't, at least start looking...

Joseph Sullivan10 said:aha, don't let him talk you into it again....it’d be like saying you should only see him once life totally kicks your ass, except this isn't even a long-term thing, it's just been a month and a half. You seem way too easygoing here and he's clearly taking advantage. As for marriage? Don't sweat it, man, he's just trying to get laid. He probably hasn't seen anything like you before since he's being so desperate to force a relationship with someone who literally told him she's not interested, just so he can win you over....whatever, I guess he's a real catch.
Once things actually go south, you're gonna be in deep and won't be able to shake him. If only you were more mentally stable, but honestly, he'll probably get what he wants long before you ever get justice.

okay, you want the truth? I think you've got it wrong.
I mean, I actually think he's the weak one here, not me, because in a way, I'm kind of using him. It works for me when he's being affectionate—though not always, obviously—and he'll ask me why I'm not being sweet back, but I just don't feel that spark, you know? Still, it feels good to have someone there to comfort me and spoil me when I need it, I guess.
On the flip side, maybe he is using me because he sees me giving in, but I suspect it's pretty mutual at this point. And as for that whole thing about him being desperate, I don't know, he's had plenty of women and it's relatively easy for him to find them, so... yeah, I definitely suspect all this talk about marriage is just a ploy to get into my pants. It sounds stupid, but I'd probably act the same way whether he mentioned marriage or not; it doesn't really mean anything to me. I'm seeing him because I'm lonely and I'm at a crossroads in my life and I'm just not sure where to go next, plus I was curious about what being in a relationship actually feels like and all that. But of course, I realize now that none of this makes sense; it's actually pretty pathetic if you aren't even attracted to the person, I suppose.

brightotter24 said:😕 It all feels kind of pointless, though—why bother with these kinds of predictions? If I just write him off now, then what? I mean, I guess there's always a risk involved, but that's just how things go with people, I suppose.

Look, if he's acting like this right now, dragging it out for another two or three months before you dump him, you're just asking for trouble. You could seriously turn him into some total psycho who won't stop making your life a living hell. Just end it ASAP. Like they say, go find someone you actually like... or if you haven't found anyone yet, start looking...

Joseph Sullivan10 said:aha, don't let him talk you into it again....it’d be like saying you should only see him once life totally kicks your ass, except this isn't even a long-term thing, it's just been a month and a half. You seem way too easygoing here and he's clearly taking advantage. As for marriage? Don't sweat it, man, he's just trying to get laid. He probably hasn't seen anything like you before since he's being so desperate to force a relationship with someone who literally told him she's not interested, just so he can win you over....whatever, I guess he's a real catch.
Once things actually go south, you're gonna be in deep and won't be able to shake him. If only you were more mentally stable, but honestly, he'll probably get what he wants long before you ever get justice.

Exactly. First off, I totally agree that you haven't gained a single damn thing by putting up with him—other than adding another massive, repulsive headache to your life. And let's call it what it is: he’s using you just as much as you’re using him. You're both just two losers standing on the edge of a cliff. Just end this ASAP and learn how to actually live on your own. You aren't going to drop dead from being a little lonely, though maybe you could actually raise your standards a bit instead of just latching onto every single person who offers you a hand.

The guy doesn't even respect himself by staying with you after everything he knows and everything you've told him—so why on earth should you respect him? Then again, why would anyone respect *you* if you don't respect yourself enough to stop wasting your precious time on someone you clearly don't even like?

Do something about this immediately—for your own sake—before this situation becomes a chronic disaster. Otherwise, you're going to end up carrying the label of someone who has zero self-respect and zero class. And you admitted it yourself, didn't you? That this exact kind of mess has happened to you before. Stop this downward spiral right now while you still have the chance.

What exactly is it you want from us? 😕
Look, if you aren't actually in love, you can just end this right this second if that's what you want.
I don't think you need a therapist. I guess you're just bored and looking for a little attention or someone to run errands for you.
I don't see how his rambling about wanting to marry you really matters in all of this.

First things first, please try not to cross-post the same topic across several different subforums.

I’m having a little trouble following your logic here. Since you aren't emotionally attached to this individual, I don't quite see what makes cutting ties such a difficult hurdle.
If you were stuck in a toxic cycle where an unhealthy dependency had formed, I might understand the struggle to walk away, but from what you've shared, I don't see any signs of that kind of entanglement. 🤷

brightotter24 said:The thing is, my own life is kind of a mess right now too, and he isn't exactly a saint himself. I've told him more than once that I'm done, but he just completely ignores me. I mean, a sane person would have walked away by now, even if it was just to save their own pride.😕

But why does his perspective actually matter in this equation?

At the end of the day, you're the one who made the decision to step away from the relationship. How can he possibly force your hand, and why should his potential ego issues weigh so heavily on your choice?