Heading downhill...

John Thomas13 said:In my own humble opinion—and this is just me talking—it is best to stay single until you grow stronger.
No one can truly help you if you don't accept yourself, even with the help of a specialist.
From my perspective (but again, just mine😉), a partner might lift you up a little at the very beginning, but after that, you just sink... either together or alone, because they'll likely bail on you pretty quickly.

A relationship like that isn't healthy, nor is it helpful.

It's even worse for children if the parent is also "unstable."

That's just my take, of course.🙄

Thanks for the answer. Honestly, maybe I should just throw in the towel and stop hoping for anything. Just live life alone in this mess and call it a day... I don't want kids anyway, no matter what. Part of me just wants to end it all, but I can't do it for my family, and I don't even know how because I'm not that brave...

I guess I have to fight somehow, but I've got no clue how anymore. Maybe I will, since I've made it this far. It helps seeing legends like goranin Bare-t fighting through it and still standing... though to me, anyone dealing with mental health struggles is a legend.

So, much love to you all. I hope you all find the courage and the strength to keep fighting your own battles.🙂

Emily Watson4 said:Thanks for the answer. Honestly, maybe I should just throw in the towel and stop hoping for anything. Just live life alone in this mess and call it a day... I don't want kids anyway, no matter what. Part of me just wants to end it all, but I can't do it for my family, and I don't even know how because I'm not that brave...

I guess I have to fight somehow, but I've got no clue how anymore. Maybe I will, since I've made it this far. It helps seeing legends like goranin Bare-t fighting through it and still standing... though to me, anyone dealing with mental health struggles is a legend.

So, much love to you all. I hope you all find the courage and the strength to keep fighting your own battles.🙂

NEeeeeeee😲

Where on earth did I ever write that it's best to give up on everything and stop hoping?
There is no point in talking about suicide; besides, you’ll get your rest after a very, very long life—eternally. There is plenty of time. 🙂
I was just like you once, maybe even worse. Everyone knows what it's like to be in their own shoes, so I can't know for sure, but my own skin felt terribly tight.

I only wanted to tell you that I’ve had those same thoughts, and I figured it might be better with someone else. (I don't know what things are like at your house, but if that is the main source of your suffering, try to distance yourself somehow—maybe spend most of your time out of the house.)

Maybe you will find a good person who has the strength and the will to pull you out of this, but they would need to be incredibly strong and emotionally stable themselves, possessing enough capacity to handle it all and help you climb out of the crisis...
Never say never.

But for now, please start by seeing a doctor, because I think you aren't quite ready for other types of self-help yet.

Because right now, you are in a deep depression, and that is something that needs to be treated first. By a specialist.

And write, write, write whenever you feel like you don't know what to do anymore.

And just so you know...

We love you too.

🙂 I'll try to check in tomorrow if I can make it. Today absolutely wrecked me on my bike ride, so I'm basically a zombie right now and just need to crash. I'll get back to the deep dives tomorrow. 😁
Anyway, thanks everyone. 🙂

Emily Watson4 said:Actually, thanks to some spiritual reading—specifically *The Power of Now*—I feel like I’ve overcome my depression, but it seems like dealing with addiction requires a completely different strategy. I also struggle with people; I just can't seem to build any deep, meaningful connections. I’ve never even had a girlfriend. I just feel this emptiness, like there is nothing inside me to offer anyone else.

That book is great, but I don't think you've actually beaten depression.

Depression is a very serious illness. Because it is an actual disease, it needs to be treated with serious medical attention.

Hang in there.👍

velvetsailor26 said:I check about 9 out of the 17 boxes for avoidant personality disorder symptoms.
People with this disorder usually end up isolated, or they become completely dependent on others for support.
Thank God I have a job, but I walk into work every single day gripped by anxiety, so I have no idea how much longer I can keep this up.
It's a miserable way to exist, honestly. You crave acceptance and want to belong to a group, but the fear of looking foolish is paralyzing. You're constantly convinced everyone thinks you're incompetent.
All you're left with is a vague hope for a better tomorrow, though that rarely ever materializes.

What's actually the distinction between social phobia and avoidant personality disorder?

Yeah, it’s pretty awful. You spend your time hoping that after a good night's sleep, things will actually improve—but when it comes to people, nothing ever really changes. It’s just one day passing after another.

Or maybe it’s even worse: you finally push past that fear of looking stupid, yet you still feel restricted, and somehow you still can't truly connect with anyone.

It’s this disgusting, sneaky feeling where you look totally fine on the outside, but inside you feel incredibly, deeply pathetic. Meanwhile, everyone around you expects you to act perfectly normal.

Jose Wood7, unfortunately, we are totally on the same page here.😢
I honestly wish I didn't feel this massive, constant pull toward emotional intimacy with people; life would definitely be easier if I could just accept being alone without all this internal noise.
But at the end of the day, humans are wired to be social creatures, so wanting that connection with others is just part of our basic programming.

It’s funny because I wasn't always this way—it’s something that has crept up on me as the years go by.
Back when I was actually doing okay, I even managed to navigate two different relationships, and looking back, I can still remember how incredible that feeling used to be.
Now? I can't even wrap my head around the idea of being in a relationship.

velvetsailor26 said:Jose Wood7, unfortunately, we are totally on the same page here.😢
I honestly wish I didn't feel this massive, constant pull toward emotional intimacy with people; life would definitely be easier if I could just accept being alone without all this internal noise.
But at the end of the day, humans are wired to be social creatures, so wanting that connection with others is just part of our basic programming.

It’s funny because I wasn't always this way—it’s something that has crept up on me as the years go by.
Back when I was actually doing okay, I even managed to navigate two different relationships, and looking back, I can still remember how incredible that feeling used to be.
Now? I can't even wrap my head around the idea of being in a relationship.

Some spiritual author talks about how personal happiness shouldn't depend on external factors, including other people. Honestly, I think that’s terrible—the idea that we have to become these perfectly self-sufficient individuals to find happiness. Maybe that's part of growing up emotionally, but either way, I'm not a fan of that logic.

I remember being on the road for two days once while looking for work. At first, I didn't even feel the urge to call home. But as time passed, after the first 24 hours, I started calling more and more frequently. Then this awful thought hit me: "What if I don't have anyone left to call?" I mean, I already knew I needed people, but this was a brutal reality check regarding that need. Still, there remains this barrier to truly, fully connecting with anyone.

Right now, I'd say I can connect with my family maybe 4/10, and with my closest friends about 2/10. With everyone else? 0.5/10. And I really wish it were at least an 8/10 or higher.

It’s weird and painful to have that kind of need and then realize you can't actually fulfill it.

Sometimes I find myself spiraling, wondering what’s going to happen once my parents are gone, and then that wave of shame hits me right in the gut. People my age are out there building their own families and moving on, yet here I am, terrified of what life looks like without my mom by my side.🙈

I have a couple of friends—well, really just one person I can actually trust—and she tries to be supportive. She tells me to stop beating myself up, that I have her, and that I should call whenever I need to talk, but even then, it doesn't really take the edge off.
The truth is, you can't really explain this feeling to anyone; it's like a universal secret we all carry.
Usually, people say venting helps lighten the load, but for me, it’s useless because after the talking is done, I’m still stuck being the exact same person I’m trying so hard not to be.
Honestly, it’s a pretty miserable way to live.

John Thomas13 said:That book is great, but I don't think you've actually beaten depression.

Depression is a very serious illness. Because it is an actual disease, it needs to be treated with serious medical attention.

Hang in there.👍

Back when I was writing about that book, I felt fine because I was basically drowning myself in porn every single day—at least an hour at a time, sometimes over two hours straight. I thought the book was my savior, but really, I was just using porn to run away from my depression...

In that headspace, I felt okay, but I was totally disconnected from everyone. My relationships were trash. I’d just lock myself in my room, stare at a computer screen, and live in total isolation..

Then I stumbled onto this website about porn addiction and it hit me: I wasn't "fine," I was addicted..

Since I quit watching porn, my perspective and how I deal with people has improved a lot. But unfortunately, now the depression is hitting me hard and I have no clue what the next move is... Luckily, I have good parents. I've been open with them about everything, but there's only so much they can do..

velvetsailor26 & Jose Wood7 - I hear you loud and clear. I struggle to connect with people too. Honestly, I'm terrified, just like you guys, of how I'm going to manage living on my own once my parents are gone.

Emily Watson4 said:Back when I was writing about that book, I felt fine because I was basically drowning myself in porn every single day—at least an hour at a time, sometimes over two hours straight. I thought the book was my savior, but really, I was just using porn to run away from my depression...

In that headspace, I felt okay, but I was totally disconnected from everyone. My relationships were trash. I’d just lock myself in my room, stare at a computer screen, and live in total isolation..

Then I stumbled onto this website about porn addiction and it hit me: I wasn't "fine," I was addicted..

Since I quit watching porn, my perspective and how I deal with people has improved a lot. But unfortunately, now the depression is hitting me hard and I have no clue what the next move is... Luckily, I have good parents. I've been open with them about everything, but there's only so much they can do..

velvetsailor26 & Jose Wood7 - I hear you loud and clear. I struggle to connect with people too. Honestly, I'm terrified, just like you guys, of how I'm going to manage living on my own once my parents are gone.

I know exactly what you mean. I went through a similar phase myself, though for me, it was half driven by a high libido and half by depression. It’s honestly wild how many people I know, either directly or indirectly, who have dealt with the exact same thing. It's good that you finally realized what was actually happening.

velvetsailor26 said:Sometimes I find myself spiraling, wondering what’s going to happen once my parents are gone, and then that wave of shame hits me right in the gut. People my age are out there building their own families and moving on, yet here I am, terrified of what life looks like without my mom by my side.🙈

I have a couple of friends—well, really just one person I can actually trust—and she tries to be supportive. She tells me to stop beating myself up, that I have her, and that I should call whenever I need to talk, but even then, it doesn't really take the edge off.
The truth is, you can't really explain this feeling to anyone; it's like a universal secret we all carry.
Usually, people say venting helps lighten the load, but for me, it’s useless because after the talking is done, I’m still stuck being the exact same person I’m trying so hard not to be.
Honestly, it’s a pretty miserable way to live.

I guess those kinds of thoughts usually hit me right when I wake up. It’s a disgusting feeling.

velvetsailor26 said:Sometimes I find myself spiraling, wondering what’s going to happen once my parents are gone, and then that wave of shame hits me right in the gut. People my age are out there building their own families and moving on, yet here I am, terrified of what life looks like without my mom by my side.🙈

I have a couple of friends—well, really just one person I can actually trust—and she tries to be supportive. She tells me to stop beating myself up, that I have her, and that I should call whenever I need to talk, but even then, it doesn't really take the edge off.
The truth is, you can't really explain this feeling to anyone; it's like a universal secret we all carry.
Usually, people say venting helps lighten the load, but for me, it’s useless because after the talking is done, I’m still stuck being the exact same person I’m trying so hard not to be.
Honestly, it’s a pretty miserable way to live.

I had my own family at your age, and now that I am in mine—which, let's be honest, means I'm in my mid-forties—things are different. I guess life just moves faster than you expect.

I live with my mom, and I guess I feel that same fear about what life will be like without her. It’s probably just because I love her so much.👍

Jose Wood7 said:I know exactly what you mean. I went through a similar phase myself, though for me, it was half driven by a high libido and half by depression. It’s honestly wild how many people I know, either directly or indirectly, who have dealt with the exact same thing. It's good that you finally realized what was actually happening.

How did you pull yourself out of that hole? Because I can't just sit here crying and thinking about ending it all...
I think I need to start watching something again because this is getting unbearable.

Emily Watson4 said:How did you pull yourself out of that hole? Because I can't just sit here crying and thinking about ending it all...
I think I need to start watching something again because this is getting unbearable.

Honestly, I’m not even sure what to tell you. Maybe try looking at it through the lens of reality—like, how much does what you see in that content actually relate to a normal life? It's incredibly hard to shift your perspective on stuff like this overnight. For some people, it never happens. Commercial, highly produced porn is designed from the ground up to manipulate your emotions and your sexuality. I guess maybe having a sense of contempt for the people trying to manipulate you could give you the strength to fight back. Yeah, exactly. Hate them, despise them, let them disgust you. An amateur video? Just think of it as someone advertising themselves. I know it's tough, but there it is.

You really need to try and pull yourself together in every possible way. Even if you deal with the porn issue, there's no guarantee that won't stop those suicidal thoughts. You have to identify whatever internal void is there and find a way to fill it. I guess most of the talk on this thread is really about that void created by being unable to form deep emotional connections with other people.

Hey, thanks for getting back to me. Honestly, I think I need to go find some actual professional advice... and probably get off this forum altogether because I feel like being here is just doing me more harm than good.
Thanks, and cheers everyone. 🙂

velvetsailor26 said:Jose Wood7, unfortunately, we are totally on the same page here.😢
I honestly wish I didn't feel this massive, constant pull toward emotional intimacy with people; life would definitely be easier if I could just accept being alone without all this internal noise.
But at the end of the day, humans are wired to be social creatures, so wanting that connection with others is just part of our basic programming.

It’s funny because I wasn't always this way—it’s something that has crept up on me as the years go by.
Back when I was actually doing okay, I even managed to navigate two different relationships, and looking back, I can still remember how incredible that feeling used to be.
Now? I can't even wrap my head around the idea of being in a relationship.

It’s like I wrote this myself, uh... man, this is hard. Honestly, I'm tearing up right now because everything Emily Watson4 is saying hits home. Every single day feels hollow. Nothing brings me joy. There’s this emptiness inside me that I can't even put into words. I find myself searching for people to fill that void, but I know deep down that's not the way. I don't know what to do anymore. What’s the point of anything if everything feels pointless? Like, I have zero drive. I don't find satisfaction in anything. I don't truly enjoy life. It's like the real me just vanished. Is it even normal? It's tough, guys. How am I supposed to relax and open up about the stuff that's eating me alive? It feels like being stripped naked and left defenseless. You lay out your biggest struggles, and then what? Everyone knows your business, but nothing actually changes. X times I've thought about just moving to the middle of nowhere—somewhere far away where nobody knows me. Just living off the land, hunting with a spear like people used to. How do you even deal with getting older and all this self-reflection? Uh... man, this is heavy. Hard to even type this out.

Douglas Thompson19 said:It’s like I wrote this myself, uh... man, this is hard. Honestly, I'm tearing up right now because everything Emily Watson4 is saying hits home. Every single day feels hollow. Nothing brings me joy. There’s this emptiness inside me that I can't even put into words. I find myself searching for people to fill that void, but I know deep down that's not the way. I don't know what to do anymore. What’s the point of anything if everything feels pointless? Like, I have zero drive. I don't find satisfaction in anything. I don't truly enjoy life. It's like the real me just vanished. Is it even normal? It's tough, guys. How am I supposed to relax and open up about the stuff that's eating me alive? It feels like being stripped naked and left defenseless. You lay out your biggest struggles, and then what? Everyone knows your business, but nothing actually changes. X times I've thought about just moving to the middle of nowhere—somewhere far away where nobody knows me. Just living off the land, hunting with a spear like people used to. How do you even deal with getting older and all this self-reflection? Uh... man, this is heavy. Hard to even type this out.

Look, life isn't easy for anyone; we all just tend to think our own struggles are uniquely devastating...
It’s a different story when you’re hit by a mental health crisis, though. At that point, you just have to take it one day at a time, accepting that some days will be a slog and others might be okay, just hoping that eventually, the pieces of the puzzle start to fit together again.

Don't waste too much energy dwelling on your parents or how you were raised; whatever happened in the past is set in stone and you can't rewrite it. I know it hurts, but that's just the reality of it.