Adoption: A beautiful gesture that can turn into a nightmare

Lawrence Allen49 said:Patience, my friend, patience.

On top of that, there's the issue of dealing with someone who isn't even a mental health case—not by modern American standards, anyway. She's just a master manipulator and a total bully. In the end, she could easily spin a narrative to anyone listening, claiming she's the victim of abuse from some unstable girl, which is exactly what she's currently blathering about to everyone in the neighborhood. Would you want that label on yourself? How do you prove you're the victim? With words? That's why the police tell you, "Call us when it's actually happening."

Plus, her husband is home, her mother is there, and the neighbors are watching. If you shove her in jail, you might be opening a whole new Pandora's box, so you have to tread carefully.

And sure, IMD is great. Of course he is. But I don't think posting half-baked solutions online in the heat of the moment is actually enough.😉

Then why on earth is she popping Paxil every single month like it's some old family recipe? Since when did her grandma start prescribing Paxil...

Lawrence Allen49 said:Patience, my friend, patience.

On top of that, there's the issue of dealing with someone who isn't even a mental health case—not by modern American standards, anyway. She's just a master manipulator and a total bully. In the end, she could easily spin a narrative to anyone listening, claiming she's the victim of abuse from some unstable girl, which is exactly what she's currently blathering about to everyone in the neighborhood. Would you want that label on yourself? How do you prove you're the victim? With words? That's why the police tell you, "Call us when it's actually happening."

Plus, her husband is home, her mother is there, and the neighbors are watching. If you shove her in jail, you might be opening a whole new Pandora's box, so you have to tread carefully.

And sure, IMD is great. Of course he is. But I don't think posting half-baked solutions online in the heat of the moment is actually enough.😉

she sure knows how to play the victim when it counts, doesn't she...

Rebecca Thomas6 said:Don't worry, I record her constantly—every monologue, every rant. I save them all because you never know when you'll need proof. But as soon as she catches me recording, she suddenly acts perfectly fine, and that true face of hers vanishes instantly.
I've been burned by sharing information before, so now I don't tell her anything. But she follows me around town, calls people over, and digs through my room every single day while I'm out, just looking for leverage.
She won't even let me put a lock on my door because "what do I have to hide from THEM?"
I can manage it, but only to a point...
Next time she's acting "normal," I'm not saying a word to her for the rest of my life. I can't stand these double personalities who act all "sweet" during the holidays just because it's tradition.

The old man is just an old guy; he stays out of it and doesn't do anything. He knows what she's like, but he still plays along with her games.
And yeah, he hides his important documents from her, which proves he knows she isn't sane.

Try to be more subtle about the recording so she doesn't catch on. And please, don't keep all that footage in one spot. Make backups, email them to yourself, cloud storage... just make sure it exists somewhere safe.

Have you tried talking to him? Not by accusing him, but just letting him know how you feel and how much this is weighing on you. Maybe he could try to settle her down, or at least be some kind of emotional support for you. It's possible he's dealing with the same nonsense behind closed doors.
Some older women can be absolute nightmares—I knew one who spent her whole life acting like a "housewife" while her husband provided everything; she just managed the house and the kid (not like it was a heavy workload🙄 ). Now her son is in a serious relationship and getting ready to marry, and she realized she can't manipulate him anymore. Since his partner actually matters to him, she's turned into this bitter woman doing everything in her power to tear them apart😲

goldeneagle8 said:And look, if you ever get totally fed up with all this crap, just hit me up and you can come crash at my place👍

But seriously.... those old fossils can be such a massive pain in the ass, everything bugs them, they've got zero tolerance, and they just criticize you constantly... and the best part? Even if you were absolutely perfect, they'd find something about your perfection that annoyed them, but mostly, when they're nitpicking you, they're really just projecting their own insecurities onto you. It’s classic—they take everything they hate about themselves and dump it on someone else. It wouldn't even be a huge deal if it didn't happen every single day, but it’s constant. Like that old saying goes: a person who's unhappy with themselves will find fault in everything and everyone... including the smallest little things.

Just honestly stop giving a damn, that's your best move, because deep down you already know exactly what to do😉

Are you some kind of creep lurking around young women with unstable lives?
😳 😛

Kevin Bailey2 said:Just move out.
Explain the situation to your professors... tell them why you had to leave (don't be afraid to mention you're a victim of domestic abuse) and why you need to work just to cover tuition, food, clothes, and everything else.
You’ll need to say that in case you need them to excuse you from classes—because let’s face it, the credit system here can be a total nightmare when it comes to scheduling.

You should probably also file an application for student housing; it'll make things a hell of a lot easier on your wallet.

You can usually find something through a campus job board.😁

Just finish your degree. For real. And stay true to yourself.
The truth is, you can't get anywhere with just a high school diploma.
I remind myself of that all the time when I feel like slacking off, since I graduated from a high school too.
Who cares what this loudmouth says?
It's obvious she's miserable and can't even stand being alone, let alone living with someone else.

In the future, don't take it to heart when people talk shit about you.

Some people just need a punching bag, and they don't care who they use to vent.👍

It doesn't work quite the way you think it does. I don't know which college major you're pursuing, but at some universities, you can basically coast through, though if you skip lectures—especially labs or practical seminars—you'll definitely fail. You could take a gap year, but that usually comes with its own set of complications.

An application for student housing? And what would she even say? That she needs to live alone? The administration doesn't care about that. The criteria for getting a dorm spot are pretty clear-cut, and "not being able to live with family" isn't one of them, no matter how tragic the situation might be.

Lawrence Allen49 said:Patience, my friend, patience.

On top of that, there's the issue of dealing with someone who isn't even a mental health case—not by modern American standards, anyway. She's just a master manipulator and a total bully. In the end, she could easily spin a narrative to anyone listening, claiming she's the victim of abuse from some unstable girl, which is exactly what she's currently blathering about to everyone in the neighborhood. Would you want that label on yourself? How do you prove you're the victim? With words? That's why the police tell you, "Call us when it's actually happening."

Plus, her husband is home, her mother is there, and the neighbors are watching. If you shove her in jail, you might be opening a whole new Pandora's box, so you have to tread carefully.

And sure, IMD is great. Of course he is. But I don't think posting half-baked solutions online in the heat of the moment is actually enough.😉

Hmm, I wouldn't exactly agree with the bolded comment. Those kinds of manipulators can make life incredibly difficult for their targets, and whether that falls under the umbrella of psychiatry is something worth debating.😉
I personally believe people like that should be exposed without any mercy.

hiddensailor14 said:Try to be more subtle about the recording so she doesn't catch on. And please, don't keep all that footage in one spot. Make backups, email them to yourself, cloud storage... just make sure it exists somewhere safe.

Have you tried talking to him? Not by accusing him, but just letting him know how you feel and how much this is weighing on you. Maybe he could try to settle her down, or at least be some kind of emotional support for you. It's possible he's dealing with the same nonsense behind closed doors.
Some older women can be absolute nightmares—I knew one who spent her whole life acting like a "housewife" while her husband provided everything; she just managed the house and the kid (not like it was a heavy workload🙄 ). Now her son is in a serious relationship and getting ready to marry, and she realized she can't manipulate him anymore. Since his partner actually matters to him, she's turned into this bitter woman doing everything in her power to tear them apart😲

Are you some kind of creep lurking around young women with unstable lives?
😳 😛

It doesn't work quite the way you think it does. I don't know which college major you're pursuing, but at some universities, you can basically coast through, though if you skip lectures—especially labs or practical seminars—you'll definitely fail. You could take a gap year, but that usually comes with its own set of complications.

An application for student housing? And what would she even say? That she needs to live alone? The administration doesn't care about that. The criteria for getting a dorm spot are pretty clear-cut, and "not being able to live with family" isn't one of them, no matter how tragic the situation might be.

Hmm, I wouldn't exactly agree with the bolded comment. Those kinds of manipulators can make life incredibly difficult for their targets, and whether that falls under the umbrella of psychiatry is something worth debating.😉
I personally believe people like that should be exposed without any mercy.

I totally agree with everything you said.
Yeah, I'm keeping it backed up in multiple places.

I've talked to him a million times, but it just doesn't work. Either it's not sinking in, or he just doesn't know how to help me.

And I also think the whole thing needs to be exposed.
I think it's incredibly demoralizing how Lawrence Allen49 puts her and people like her in the "normal" category. I don't know how professional he is supposed to be, but it's just wrong.
Because that's exactly the problem—everyone says, "Oh, just let it go, she's not crazy, she's normal, it's just stress or whatever" (stupid excuses).
Fine then, go live with twenty people like that in the same house without any issues since they're so "normal," and then we'll see what kind of nightmare you deal with.
I have nothing against you, but I think the biggest mistake is grouping people like that in with "normal" people nowadays.

Rebecca Thomas6 said:I totally agree with everything you said.
Yeah, I'm keeping it backed up in multiple places.

I've talked to him a million times, but it just doesn't work. Either it's not sinking in, or he just doesn't know how to help me.

And I also think the whole thing needs to be exposed.
I think it's incredibly demoralizing how Lawrence Allen49 puts her and people like her in the "normal" category. I don't know how professional he is supposed to be, but it's just wrong.
Because that's exactly the problem—everyone says, "Oh, just let it go, she's not crazy, she's normal, it's just stress or whatever" (stupid excuses).
Fine then, go live with twenty people like that in the same house without any issues since they're so "normal," and then we'll see what kind of nightmare you deal with.
I have nothing against you, but I think the biggest mistake is grouping people like that in with "normal" people nowadays.

Look, here's the deal—unless your mother is physically hitting you right now, she isn't doing anything that would make her a psychiatric case. If she actually were, she wouldn't be on meds; she'd be in a mental hospital. What you or I think doesn't matter. What matters is what the police and doctors think, right?

Maybe Grandma will help, but... don't count on it. She'll protect her regardless of the abuse because her daughter comes before everything else. So... yeah, nothing from her.

I'm not going to sit here on the internet and give you empty sympathy just to get likes or offer fake hope. There's something more serious behind this thread: one girl—you—who doesn't have a stable home life. That's just a fact. But half the country has absolute circuses going on in their houses (fighting, insults, drama), and if we judged by some "perfect life theory," half the nation would be in a psych ward.

Anyway, you have two options:
1. Wait until she attacks you physically and call the cops, or
2. Move out. You're an adult, so you have that right. Unlike a minor, she can't force you to stay under her roof.

(** Option 1: If it works, they'll probably put her in a Los Angeles facility for a month at most, and then she'll be right back home. Keep that in mind. And once that happens, you're really in for it.)

I don't think your mother is okay. I think she's toxic. You deserve parental love, obviously, just like any kid growing up in a decent home. You deserve good things. But you won't find those things through internet promises or digging through legal loopholes.

Plenty of people had terrible childhoods. Plenty of people moved out. Some took steps to fix things, like working on relationships and stuff.

Your mom is messed up. She's a manipulator. It's perfectly legal behavior. That's just how the world works.

I am on your side, though. I think you're a good person, and that's why I'm being careful with my words—I don't want you solving one problem only to create a much bigger one.

If you screw up, she has every right to kick you to the curb. And that would be a massive problem, wouldn't it? She could just say, "Tina, Ivanna, Martin—whatever—don't show your face here again tomorrow."

If you need a place to crash, maybe I can help, but once you decide to walk away from your family, there's usually no going back.

So before you pull the trigger on something like that—think twenty times. At least. Because then, everything—every meal, electricity, phone, internet, clothes, health, bus fare, water, heat... it's all on you. And that is incredibly hard for a 19-year-old dealing with college and everything else.

I'm just being realistic. So, tell me what you'd actually prefer to do, because this is the reality of the situation.

Honestly? Your mother is a victim of her own delusions. She's a victim of herself. Sure, she needs a psychiatrist, but not to the level of wearing a straightjacket. Basically, she messed up somewhere along the line, and that's why she is the way she is. We can talk more about that privately.

*******

@morbidangel

Good point about needing to discredit toxic people. But don't do it in their house, especially without legal grounds. Especially if you're sensitive and might end up on the street.

hiddensailor14 said:Try to be more subtle about the recording so she doesn't catch on. And please, don't keep all that footage in one spot. Make backups, email them to yourself, cloud storage... just make sure it exists somewhere safe.

Have you tried talking to him? Not by accusing him, but just letting him know how you feel and how much this is weighing on you. Maybe he could try to settle her down, or at least be some kind of emotional support for you. It's possible he's dealing with the same nonsense behind closed doors.
Some older women can be absolute nightmares—I knew one who spent her whole life acting like a "housewife" while her husband provided everything; she just managed the house and the kid (not like it was a heavy workload🙄 ). Now her son is in a serious relationship and getting ready to marry, and she realized she can't manipulate him anymore. Since his partner actually matters to him, she's turned into this bitter woman doing everything in her power to tear them apart😲

Are you some kind of creep lurking around young women with unstable lives?
😳 😛

It doesn't work quite the way you think it does. I don't know which college major you're pursuing, but at some universities, you can basically coast through, though if you skip lectures—especially labs or practical seminars—you'll definitely fail. You could take a gap year, but that usually comes with its own set of complications.

An application for student housing? And what would she even say? That she needs to live alone? The administration doesn't care about that. The criteria for getting a dorm spot are pretty clear-cut, and "not being able to live with family" isn't one of them, no matter how tragic the situation might be.

Hmm, I wouldn't exactly agree with the bolded comment. Those kinds of manipulators can make life incredibly difficult for their targets, and whether that falls under the umbrella of psychiatry is something worth debating.😉
I personally believe people like that should be exposed without any mercy.

Yeah, you're right. You pretty much hit the nail on the head...
I just don't get why she hates me so much. Did I somehow become so popular with everyone else that she just feels uncomfortable?
A family friend actually called me once just to say, "Get away from her as fast as you can." So, you can imagine how bad it is...
I'm not some object she can just pick up and toss aside whenever she feels like it. I'm a human being, not an apple, a nut, or some old cabinet you dump when you're bored...
And I refuse to let anyone else suffer because of someone else's failures...
I didn't mention that I was adopted pretty quickly, and there are things that just don't add up to me. I'm trying to figure it out, but I'm certain she never went through any kind of testing or anything like that...
In my opinion, kids shouldn't be handed over to people like this...
I know families have their issues, but it's on me to find a solution, an exit, a way to escape the mess...
Nobody deserves to be treated this way, whether by biological parents or adoptive ones...
But look, if people aren't capable of raising children, then they shouldn't have them...
I think the woman who gave birth to me did the right thing; she knew she couldn't give me what I needed, or maybe she just didn't want me—at least that's the main part...
My biological mother didn't make a mistake...
The massive mistake was made by the woman I live with, who took me in just to vent all her frustrations, complexes, and whatever other nonsense is rattling around in her head...

She clearly has a ton of issues of her own, and she spends her whole life dumping them all on me...

@morbidangel
The quoting tool is broken, this whole thing is a mess... 🙂