Am I the only one to blame here?

Hey there. I’m curious to see what you guys think about this.
When I was 13, I was staying at a friend's place for summer vacation. We met some guys and hung out with them, even though I wasn't really interested in boys or romance back then. One of them definitely showed interest in me, but I just wasn't feeling it. He kept pushing for things like holding hands and trying to make some kind of connection, and eventually, my friend talked me into becoming his girlfriend because she already had boyfriends and thought it would be cool, you know? 🙄
That’s how my first kiss happened, and honestly, I didn't want anything beyond that.
We ended up being alone together a few times, and every single time he would touch me and try to get me to touch him, too. I didn't really know how to react since that kind of stuff wasn't even on my radar yet. One time he actually tried to have sex with me, but I started fighting him off, so he stopped.

One evening, my friend and I were hanging out alone on her patio, found some beer and wine, and decided to drink. (Again, I'll mention that she was the popular one, and I was just this pathetic, easily influenced kid who didn't know how to say no)
It was the very first time I'd ever tasted alcohol, and it didn't take much for me to get drunk.
I remember that guy just sort of appeared out of nowhere, we laughed, and then we went over to a bench nearby in the dark. Anyway, we had sex. My memory of it is pretty blurry, and I only really figured out what happened from what people told me the next day.
The guy was 15 at the time.

I once mentioned this to someone, and they just told me, "Well, it's your own fault." Am I really to blame? Was that abuse?

I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I won't lie, I've been pretty promiscuous. I'm 18 now and I've slept with more than ten people. I've also dealt with bulimia and anorexia.
Could these things be consequences of what happened?

I hope someone can find the time to read this and give me some kind of answer. Thanks. 🙂

Look, the reality is that what went down between you two that night is something only you and him actually know. If you're looking for more specifics or some kind of outside confirmation, I don't think anyone else can give you anything more than he can.
If he didn't pressure you into doing something you didn't want to do, then we aren't talking about abuse here. Sure, maybe he took advantage of the fact that you'd had a few drinks, but if he didn't force himself on you or disregard your consent, that's a different story.
And as for the bulimia and anorexia stuff, honestly, you're the only one who truly knows what's going on with your own body...

coastalcrane55 said:Hey there. I’m curious to see what you guys think about this.
When I was 13, I was staying at a friend's place for summer vacation. We met some guys and hung out with them, even though I wasn't really interested in boys or romance back then. One of them definitely showed interest in me, but I just wasn't feeling it. He kept pushing for things like holding hands and trying to make some kind of connection, and eventually, my friend talked me into becoming his girlfriend because she already had boyfriends and thought it would be cool, you know? 🙄
That’s how my first kiss happened, and honestly, I didn't want anything beyond that.
We ended up being alone together a few times, and every single time he would touch me and try to get me to touch him, too. I didn't really know how to react since that kind of stuff wasn't even on my radar yet. One time he actually tried to have sex with me, but I started fighting him off, so he stopped.

One evening, my friend and I were hanging out alone on her patio, found some beer and wine, and decided to drink. (Again, I'll mention that she was the popular one, and I was just this pathetic, easily influenced kid who didn't know how to say no)
It was the very first time I'd ever tasted alcohol, and it didn't take much for me to get drunk.
I remember that guy just sort of appeared out of nowhere, we laughed, and then we went over to a bench nearby in the dark. Anyway, we had sex. My memory of it is pretty blurry, and I only really figured out what happened from what people told me the next day.
The guy was 15 at the time.

I once mentioned this to someone, and they just told me, "Well, it's your own fault." Am I really to blame? Was that abuse?

I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I won't lie, I've been pretty promiscuous. I'm 18 now and I've slept with more than ten people. I've also dealt with bulimia and anorexia.
Could these things be consequences of what happened?

I hope someone can find the time to read this and give me some kind of answer. Thanks. 🙂

So, what’s your take—do you think you're to blame, or was that straight-up abuse?
Look, other people can say whatever garbage they want, but honestly? It doesn't matter. What matters is how *you* process it. Everything you felt during those moments—every single bit of it—is valid. That is your reality, and that is your truth.

But you didn't actually explain why you think it was abuse. It isn't abuse every single time you get drunk and sleep with someone when it wasn't exactly what you planned 🤷

If you had said the guy was 35, fine. But he was your age.

I'm not saying you're "to blame," per se, but look—you were drunk and I guess you liked it, at least in that moment. You probably thought that was just how things worked.

How do you even know you have anxiety and depression? Who gave you that diagnosis? Maybe you should go back to that doctor and ask them the same thing. These heavy issues you're bringing up aren't happening because we got wasted once and hooked up with someone we wouldn't normally take seriously; they're happening because of stuff from a long time ago, back in early childhood.

It would be better if you just wrote about what's actually bothering you. Like, how is your relationship with your parents?

coastalcrane55 said:Hey there. I’m curious to see what you guys think about this.
When I was 13, I was staying at a friend's place for summer vacation. We met some guys and hung out with them, even though I wasn't really interested in boys or romance back then. One of them definitely showed interest in me, but I just wasn't feeling it. He kept pushing for things like holding hands and trying to make some kind of connection, and eventually, my friend talked me into becoming his girlfriend because she already had boyfriends and thought it would be cool, you know? 🙄
That’s how my first kiss happened, and honestly, I didn't want anything beyond that.
We ended up being alone together a few times, and every single time he would touch me and try to get me to touch him, too. I didn't really know how to react since that kind of stuff wasn't even on my radar yet. One time he actually tried to have sex with me, but I started fighting him off, so he stopped.

One evening, my friend and I were hanging out alone on her patio, found some beer and wine, and decided to drink. (Again, I'll mention that she was the popular one, and I was just this pathetic, easily influenced kid who didn't know how to say no)
It was the very first time I'd ever tasted alcohol, and it didn't take much for me to get drunk.
I remember that guy just sort of appeared out of nowhere, we laughed, and then we went over to a bench nearby in the dark. Anyway, we had sex. My memory of it is pretty blurry, and I only really figured out what happened from what people told me the next day.
The guy was 15 at the time.

I once mentioned this to someone, and they just told me, "Well, it's your own fault." Am I really to blame? Was that abuse?

I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I won't lie, I've been pretty promiscuous. I'm 18 now and I've slept with more than ten people. I've also dealt with bulimia and anorexia.
Could these things be consequences of what happened?

I hope someone can find the time to read this and give me some kind of answer. Thanks. 🙂

If you’re dealing with these issues, I assume you have some sort of ongoing connection with professionals outside of this forum. Have you brought this up with your psychiatrist? In principle, your current behavior and certain struggles might be linked to how you—even now, five years later—are processing those past experiences. But, I suppose I don't see what you'll really gain by asking about this here on a message board—it might be better to talk to someone in your actual life who knows you well and whom you can trust not to give you just any random advice. Most importantly, you probably don't need people causing you harm with bad suggestions or just tossing clichés at you. If I were you, I'd look for someone in your real-world circle who truly knows you and whom you trust; and if you are seeing any doctors, therapists, or psychologists, you should definitely reach out to them.

I don't think you guys really get it, I mean, I resisted him, I didn't want anything to do with him or even have him touch me. I remember fighting back, but I was under the influence of alcohol and he was just way stronger than I was. I guess it doesn't really matter if he was 15 or 35 if I didn't want any contact with him at all. It’s not exactly the same thing to hook up with someone versus being forced into sex, is it? 🤷

I’m seeing a psychiatrist, but I just can't bring myself to talk to her about this. I tried opening up to one person once, but they just spat on me and told me it was totally normal, that I actually wanted it all along. So, I guess that's why I'm posting here anonymously.

So you finally admitted you were resisting 😉

It’s probably best to just lay it all out for your therapist when you get the chance. But generally speaking, major traumas aren't usually caused by stuff that happened when you were fifteen; they stem from much, much earlier. I'm not saying that incident wasn't traumatic—I'm just saying it likely isn't the root cause of your issues. It was more likely just a trigger.

She was only thirteen at the time.
It’s hard to wrap my head around the idea that events like sexual assault (whether it happens at thirteen, thirty-three, or any other age), experiencing the horrors of war, or losing someone close to you wouldn't cause trauma. In fact, it would be an understatement to say they don't cause significant psychological trauma...

The truth is, extreme, overwhelming stress is enough to inflict deep trauma on absolutely anyone, even someone who seems to be the most mentally resilient person you know.

coastalcrane55 said:I don't think you guys really get it, I mean, I resisted him, I didn't want anything to do with him or even have him touch me. I remember fighting back, but I was under the influence of alcohol and he was just way stronger than I was. I guess it doesn't really matter if he was 15 or 35 if I didn't want any contact with him at all. It’s not exactly the same thing to hook up with someone versus being forced into sex, is it? 🤷

I’m seeing a psychiatrist, but I just can't bring myself to talk to her about this. I tried opening up to one person once, but they just spat on me and told me it was totally normal, that I actually wanted it all along. So, I guess that's why I'm posting here anonymously.

Of course you aren't to blame—and there is absolutely no reason to feel shame.
Try opening up to your doctor. To a mental health professional, this isn't some strange or unheard-of occurrence. You have nothing to hide from them. If you let them in, they can actually help you.

Kyle Lee7 said:She was only thirteen at the time.
It’s hard to wrap my head around the idea that events like sexual assault (whether it happens at thirteen, thirty-three, or any other age), experiencing the horrors of war, or losing someone close to you wouldn't cause trauma. In fact, it would be an understatement to say they don't cause significant psychological trauma...

The truth is, extreme, overwhelming stress is enough to inflict deep trauma on absolutely anyone, even someone who seems to be the most mentally resilient person you know.

Look, I’m no psychologist or psychiatrist. My degree is in social sciences—barely touches psychology, really—but I have been through psychotherapy. My therapist told me this: out of 10 people who go through the exact same traumatic event, only those with a pre-existing psychological predisposition will develop PTSD. Not everyone, obviously. It's common knowledge that not every veteran has PTSD, not even the guys in Special Forces who have seen some serious shit.

It all comes down to personality structure. Some people can handle more, others less. I guess.

Kyle Lee7 said:She was only thirteen at the time.
It’s hard to wrap my head around the idea that events like sexual assault (whether it happens at thirteen, thirty-three, or any other age), experiencing the horrors of war, or losing someone close to you wouldn't cause trauma. In fact, it would be an understatement to say they don't cause significant psychological trauma...

The truth is, extreme, overwhelming stress is enough to inflict deep trauma on absolutely anyone, even someone who seems to be the most mentally resilient person you know.

Sure. But I guess that stress isn't going to trigger bulimia, anorexia, or anxiety and depression in your most stable individual.

I'm dealing with a ton of stress at my job right now, and watching how people handle it is interesting. There’s a massive range of reactions to the exact same situation.

Jerry Martinez5 said:Look, I’m no psychologist or psychiatrist. My degree is in social sciences—barely touches psychology, really—but I have been through psychotherapy. My therapist told me this: out of 10 people who go through the exact same traumatic event, only those with a pre-existing psychological predisposition will develop PTSD. Not everyone, obviously. It's common knowledge that not every veteran has PTSD, not even the guys in Special Forces who have seen some serious shit.

It all comes down to personality structure. Some people can handle more, others less. I guess.

This makes sense because anyone aiming for special ops has to be in peak psychophysical condition. These people are trained and mentally braced for whatever hell awaits them in combat or similar situations. Unstable individuals simply don't make the cut for units like that—at least not until a mass mobilization sweeps up every able-bodied man and then everything goes to hell.😢
sorry for the off-topic!

William Cooper11 said:This makes sense because anyone aiming for special ops has to be in peak psychophysical condition. These people are trained and mentally braced for whatever hell awaits them in combat or similar situations. Unstable individuals simply don't make the cut for units like that—at least not until a mass mobilization sweeps up every able-bodied man and then everything goes to hell.😢
sorry for the off-topic!

Sure, maybe in 2010, but that wasn't the case back in 1991. Back then, these people weren't being screened or trained according to today's standards for special ops. It was war; they basically just started training within the local resistance.

Jerry Martinez5 said:Sure, maybe in 2010, but that wasn't the case back in 1991. Back then, these people weren't being screened or trained according to today's standards for special ops. It was war; they basically just started training within the local resistance.

I was talking about elite units globally—think SAS, Delta Force, Spetsnaz, and so on—but also specifically looking at our own history, like the 82nd Airborne in the old US Army, or even how the CIA today traces its roots back to those early specialized units like the local resistance.🙂
Whether they operated in the shadows or through official channels doesn't change much. At the end of the day, the training is about the individual and what they're capable of doing.

Everyone deals with the fallout from massive stress at some point... the only real difference is how it actually plays out in their lives.

William Cooper11 said:I was talking about elite units globally—think SAS, Delta Force, Spetsnaz, and so on—but also specifically looking at our own history, like the 82nd Airborne in the old US Army, or even how the CIA today traces its roots back to those early specialized units like the local resistance.🙂
Whether they operated in the shadows or through official channels doesn't change much. At the end of the day, the training is about the individual and what they're capable of doing.

I have no idea what you're even talking about. What does any of that have to do with this topic?
The girl isn't to blame for her bad luck, so let's just help her out.

wanderinghawk22 said:I have no idea what you're even talking about. What does any of that have to do with this topic?
The girl isn't to blame for her bad luck, so let's just help her out.

Fair enough. My posts are off-topic, so let the moderator delete them if they want.🙂
As for the actual subject, I always look for the person actually at fault. It’s definitely not the author here; it’s the guy who acted like a complete piece of trash because he let alcohol dictate his behavior.😠
She needs to realize she's responsible for her own actions, but that doesn't mean she should shoulder everyone else's guilt. Only someone who is mentally sound and at peace with their past can actually move forward. And that's what's waiting for her: college, a career, maybe a relationship, a family, or kids—if that's even something she wants down the road.

coastalcrane55 said:I don't think you guys really get it, I mean, I resisted him, I didn't want anything to do with him or even have him touch me. I remember fighting back, but I was under the influence of alcohol and he was just way stronger than I was. I guess it doesn't really matter if he was 15 or 35 if I didn't want any contact with him at all. It’s not exactly the same thing to hook up with someone versus being forced into sex, is it? 🤷

I’m seeing a psychiatrist, but I just can't bring myself to talk to her about this. I tried opening up to one person once, but they just spat on me and told me it was totally normal, that I actually wanted it all along. So, I guess that's why I'm posting here anonymously.

Regarding the question in the title—you aren't to blame, though someone else is responsible, and maybe partially yourself too, since you essentially put yourself in the situation where this could happen. But, looking at it from the perspective of being 13, it might not seem like one thing led to another—I'd rather ask who was supposed to be looking out for you and your friend, given that you were both minors. It sounds a bit extreme, but considering that, by American law, you wouldn't have even been allowed to sit in the front seat of a car just a year prior, you were so still "just a kid." There is also responsibility to be found in the upbringing—the kind that fails to warn a child about the dangers of drinking or how to handle certain situations—and obviously, a complete lack of sexual education. So, did you ever tell your mom or anyone else in your family what happened?

I'm seeing a psychiatrist, but I just can't bring myself to talk to her about it. I once opened up to someone, but they just judged me and told me it was normal, that I actually wanted it. That's why I'm posting here, anonymously.

But why can't you talk to your psychiatrist about it?

Generally speaking, an event like this can certainly push a person in one direction or another. For me, a single unpleasant encounter—just that, occurring around the age you were then—where a middle-aged creep forced himself on me (which was really just a form of explicit sexual harassment), shook me deeply, though in a different way, more in terms of anger (and fear, I suppose). I never spoke to that person again, even when we crossed paths, and I never let him get close to me again, even when he tried to provoke me. Sometimes I wonder if that incident triggered some of my later coping mechanisms, reactions, and behavioral patterns. Actually, based on what I've experienced, I think that's often the case; the years you're in now are probably the most formative for creating deep-seated silences or, hopefully, a more complete understanding of yourself and the world.

Starting out sexually at such an early age can really mess things up and lead to all sorts of different issues down the road. I mean, it’s such a massive gray area when you try to decide if it actually counts as abuse or not, right? Does anyone else vividly remember that final scene from the movie >? It makes you wonder—was that situation pure abuse, or was she somehow responsible for what happened??

Honestly, looking back from where we are today, does it even matter what we call it? Whatever happened, happened, but the important thing is to go find a psychologist to talk to. And whatever you do, please don't just rush straight to a psychiatrist who’s just going to slap a prescription on you and call it a day.

Unfortunately, kids tend to get up to all sorts of trouble while they're young—it's just part of the chaos—and those who are a bit more sensitive about it can end up paying the price later in life. Honestly, you should just be grateful you didn't end up pregnant during those wilder years; trust me, that's a whole different kind of headache. I truly hope things work out for you regarding the issues you're facing right now.