Can you actually change your personality as an adult?

I’m inclined to agree with what someone else mentioned earlier: a person’s core essence really solidifies somewhere between the ages of three and five. Sure, we learn from our mistakes—we absolutely do—but that isn't the same thing as undergoing a fundamental change in character. Any shift you see after that point is likely just a temporary mask or some sort of performance... ☕

Laura Collins8 said:I’m inclined to agree with what someone else mentioned earlier: a person’s core essence really solidifies somewhere between the ages of three and five. Sure, we learn from our mistakes—we absolutely do—but that isn't the same thing as undergoing a fundamental change in character. Any shift you see after that point is likely just a temporary mask or some sort of performance... ☕

I agree. Everything after that is just superficial layers built on top of that foundation. You can't alter the base itself; if you tried, you'd be tearing down the entire structure of the personality.

We've seen similar—or even identical—topics pop up here before.

From a psychological or psychiatric standpoint, personality is made up of traits that manifest across various situations.

They’re mostly fixed. I mean, they might shift occasionally, but usually not by choice. It typically takes something like physical or mental illness, extreme stress (especially PTSD), or things like that.

Some traits can be... well, maybe not changed, but perhaps tempered through long-term psychotherapy.

I think a lot of people here confuse behavior with personality. Behavior is a byproduct of personality, not the other way around.

Someone mentioned being hardworking or lazy—but those aren't really personality traits. Traits would be more like passivity or initiative. Here are a few examples:
1. rigidity
2. self-confidence
3. sensitivity
4. jealousy
5. mistrust
6. impulsivity
7. attention-seeking
8. dependency
9. belligerence
10. aggression
11. empathy

and so on.

Just because someone’s personality and all its various classifications seem "consistent" doesn't mean change is off the table. There aren't any known biological mechanisms that would make total transformation impossible. It’s more a matter of the fact that most people simply don't bother changing. We don't sit around debating whether it's physically possible to quit smoking just because most smokers never actually do; it's not a question of capability, but of inclination. Humans, in general, aren't particularly prone to shifting gears. Our brain biology is wired to favor those well-worn (pun intended, neural pathways) tracks. Carving out new ones in adulthood requires an immense amount of effort, but to claim it's impossible? That's just absurd. 🙂 Besides, genetic studies never really tell us anything about the individual. Sure, you might find that genetics account for 40% of the variance in extraversion, but that tells you absolutely nothing about whether Peter will be able to become an introvert or if he's destined to remain an extrovert for the rest of his life. On an individual level... of course you "can" change your personality! An introvert can, yes, "can" become an extrovert. I'm not entirely sure why I even brought that up. 🙂

I said personality is mostly fixed, not that it never shifts under any circumstances. Besides, there’s a difference between someone's core personality and their specific traits. A trait is just one characteristic. Also, most changes aren't even conscious. I don't think Peter can just willpower his way from being an extrovert to an introvert. Or go from impulsive to calm. He might learn to control or rein in that impulsivity—staying within some idea of "normal"—but that doesn't mean the underlying tendency isn't still there, especially when things get stressful.

It's the same for someone who is naturally distrustful suddenly becoming incredibly trusting. Maybe they become more open with people they already like, but not with everyone. So, you see shifts in behavior in certain situations, but the actual personality remains the same. An impulsive person will always have that lean toward impulsivity, just as a distrustful person will stay more or less distrustful.

If you think any of this is wrong, please send me a link to something that says otherwise.

Thanks.

I’d change half of my life if I could, and honestly, I already have... Don't tell me someone can't make a name for themselves just because their parents screwed them over during those first few years... It's not like they're destined to be screwed over for the rest of their lives, right? 😢 😢 😢

I refuse to stay stuck in certain situations 😢 so don't try to patronize me.

George Newman11 said:I’d change half of my life if I could, and honestly, I already have... Don't tell me someone can't make a name for themselves just because their parents screwed them over during those first few years... It's not like they're destined to be screwed over for the rest of their lives, right? 😢 😢 😢

I refuse to stay stuck in certain situations 😢 so don't try to patronize me.

Well, wanting to change and actually seeing your own mistakes is the very first step toward making it happen.

I believe people can change to a certain extent.
Not a total overhaul—(though that's possible too)—but just... a healthy dose. Enough to get by.
It's not good to swing from one extreme to the other.

We have to let experience "play" us and teach us lessons.

Instead of stubbornly hitting our heads against the same wall.

As I've gotten older, I've realized a lot of things, and I have to admit I've changed my behavior significantly since I was sixteen.

The idea that people are set in stone by age three or four is nonsense.
Total garbage.
The most intense reality checks I ever got were during puberty.
My brother used to hit me with these brutal bursts of honesty...
For example, once back in high school, our whole class was picking on this one nerd.
Early high school days.
I told my brother about it like it was some funny little story... how some guy in class grabbed the kid's backpack and acted like him to make everyone laugh.
My brother just rolled his eyes at me and said:
"Yeah. You guys are great. So smart and mature. You isolate a person and mentally bully them just because he's better than all of you combined. You think you're making a fool out of him, but you're really just making fools of yourselves. It's pathetic. You're actual sadists. You should all be ashamed."
I felt terrible. Like, genuinely, deeply ashamed. It wasn't that I had some deep-seated urge to be a bully; I was just following the crowd.
That was my turning point.
Throughout my entire teenage years, he kept calling me out on my behavior (when I deserved it), but it was never mindless insults like "you're an idiot." He went straight for those psychological nerves—the stuff I knew was wrong deep down but couldn't admit to myself.
I think I even started playing the victim subconsciously... distancing myself from the group... wearing black... listening to music that "outsiders" liked. 🤣 I started pulling away from most of my classmates because their hypocrisy and two-faced nature started to really bother me... like, really grate on me.
Basically... that moment when my brother pointed out how awful I was being to that kid... that was probably the start of me questioning who I actually was. Until then, I just assumed I was a great person.
From that moment on, I could never call myself a "good person" again.
Never.
Maybe when I'm messing around.
But seriously? No. I wouldn't even dream of saying it.
And I'm never quite satisfied... even when I learn something new, it feels good for a couple of days, and then I think, "Okay, I've moved up a notch. Now what? Stagnation? I'm afraid I won't keep going."
And then I'm right back at square one...
"I suck. I mess up here and there. Yeah. Now I have to start over from square one... God, who has the energy for all that? I honestly don't know anything."

I'm still learning. I screw up constantly.
Some things are so deeply ingrained in me that fighting them is an uphill battle.
Like my tendency toward verbal aggression...
That’s the worst part of me—it’s taken such deep root that it's actually terrifying.
My reaction to being provoked? It's awful. It's nasty. It's repulsive.
A good part of me doesn't even want to be this way... but when something hits me hard... I just snap. Instead of keeping my cool and getting my head straight... I just lash out. I say everything I'm thinking, even if it turns out I didn't actually mean it that way—I was just caught in the heat of the moment.
For instance... some woman on Facebook set me off yesterday. She joined this group... and the group was for a little boy battling a serious illness... specifically for donations and support.
And she posts one of those stupid "chain letter" nonsense things on the wall...
"If you don't share this to 10 walls, a curse will follow you forever and ever and blah blah blah..."
And I just lose it. I truly lose it. I can't help myself from telling her what a disgusting, hateful, and moronic person she is for doing stuff like that.
Instead of just ignoring her...
Like I do with most of the mindless comments online.
Then, when I see news about some guy getting jumped in the street or brutally murdered... a horrific rage wakes up inside me that I can barely keep on a leash.
It frustrates me desperately. It really does.
It's not like I have some massive tragedy in my life... actually, things are pretty good.
But I can't fully enjoy it because of how I react to the news, the nightly broadcasts, and everything happening in the world. It doesn't even have to happen to me personally for me to go ballistic.

Look. I'm trying. Sometimes I do manage to ignore it and just wave it off.
But I really wish I didn't act so impulsively. I want to learn to control my emotions better.
Again, I have to admit... I control my emotions much better than I did a few years ago.
But it's still not enough. I think I need more time and practice... to eventually learn how to just "be cool" about certain things as I get older...

But I believe change is possible.

You just have to want it, be patient, and put in the work.

There is no hope for people who think they're perfect, or that they've reached the absolute peak of existence and wisdom.
They are the worst kind of people. They are beyond saving.
Once a person stops being self-critical... they just stagnate at the lowest possible level and spiral into a pile of bullshit.
But they're usually happy.
Because they lie to themselves.

But for those of us actually fighting ourselves...
Ah... there's a lot of suffering involved. 😍 😂

The key to everything is the ego.
Our ego can either lift us up... or bury us.
The problem is... for a person... to lift themselves up... they have to bring their ego down.
Which means... you basically have to humble yourself... bow your head...
That happens to me sometimes... but man, it is HARD. It takes me time to process it...
That's the part that screws me over the most, and that's where I want to be better too.

Yeah, I’m looking at things through that same lens... but some people on here argue that the shifts we’re discussing aren't actually structural changes. They claim it's just fine-tuning behavior while the foundation remains exactly the same.

If that's the case, all I can do is mourn. It would mean the things I'm desperate to change—the things I want so badly—are fundamentally out of reach. 😢

That isn't the case at all. 😉

The OP is asking if an adult can actually change their personality.

In psychology and psychiatry, personality is essentially what people usually call "character."

Character tends to be pretty constant—not really something you just swap out.

But behavior? That can change.

So, I guess it depends on what exactly you're looking to change.

mistymason1 said:That isn't the case at all. 😉

The OP is asking if an adult can actually change their personality.

In psychology and psychiatry, personality is essentially what people usually call "character."

Character tends to be pretty constant—not really something you just swap out.

But behavior? That can change.

So, I guess it depends on what exactly you're looking to change.

Is that some kind of physical law or just a theory?

I’m worried that doesn't actually hold up.

Maybe you meant temperament stays the same?...
Since we're born with our temperament.
Even then, you can change it through hard work—kind of like how you can manage and ease the symptoms of certain genetic conditions...

But character is definitely, absolutely something that shifts as you age, mature, and face new situations you've learned from.

And personality isn't character.
That's a myth.

It’s pretty clear you’re being a stubborn contrarian here. 😉

It isn't some law of physics. It’s just a psychological theory developed through research and testing. But, obviously, it isn't the Bible; if someone runs a study that disproves it, then the theory loses its standing.

I wasn't talking about temperament. I think I knew what I meant.

Nothing is black and white. I specified the conditions under which personality might shift: mental or physical illness, PTSD, psychotherapy—otherwise, it doesn't really change.

For instance, an impulsive person will always be impulsive, but they can learn to manage that impulsivity. So, their behavior changes, but their core personality stays the same.

Similarly, an empathetic person has no reason to lose that empathy (barring the cases mentioned), just as someone lacking it—like a sociopath—won't suddenly gain it.

I think you're confusing behavior with personality traits.

Even an empathetic person might act without empathy in certain situations—maybe they're just seeking attention or group support and end up stepping over someone. It isn't all simple, but that doesn't mean there aren't patterns and rules at play.

"Personality" is the standard term used here, though "character" is also common.

In psychology, personality and character are basically technical terms that serve as the academic counterparts to how we use "character" in everyday conversation.

mistymason1 said:That isn't the case at all. 😉

The OP is asking if an adult can actually change their personality.

In psychology and psychiatry, personality is essentially what people usually call "character."

Character tends to be pretty constant—not really something you just swap out.

But behavior? That can change.

So, I guess it depends on what exactly you're looking to change.

Hmm, I’d like to change my self-perception, in a way. I can't quite put my finger on it—that feeling where you constantly diminish yourself in social settings. You walk around thinking everyone else is superior, convinced that whatever you achieve will never be enough, let alone great. I'm essentially sabotaging myself from the jump, which isn't helping.
On one hand, I'm always pushing to improve, which seems healthy... but lately, it just leads to frustration. I watch others put in the work and nail their goals, while no matter how hard I try, I feel stuck being mediocre. And meanwhile, I end up more stressed than those high achievers 🙂.
I suppose it stems from how my parents treated me; nothing I did was ever truly "good enough." For instance, if I got a B on a test, they’d ask, "How many kids got an A?" or "Couldn't you have pushed for an A?" Even if I did get an A in something like Art, they'd say, "That's nice, but an A in Math would have been more useful." They gave a passing compliment, sure, but it was never sufficient. That’s how I developed this view of myself 😢.

So, is this a personality trait or just behavior? And is change actually possible?

EDIT: Is it possible that non-physical bullying in elementary or middle school plays a role here, or does this behavior all start at home?

Everything can change. If you actually want it to. I know, sounds like a cheap motivational cliché, right? But it’s the truth. Sure, sometimes it feels impossible. It feels like hitting a brick wall. When you’re an adult, it’s even more of a nightmare because you're already set in your ways, but it can be done. Now, let’s be real: some core traits are permanent. Your fundamental nature—who you are at your very soul—that doesn't budge. But everything else? All those habits, behaviors, and patterns shaped by life or broken by bad circumstances? That can all be overhauled. Sometimes, you just have to do it because there isn't any other way out.

George Newman11 said:Hmm, I’d like to change my self-perception, in a way. I can't quite put my finger on it—that feeling where you constantly diminish yourself in social settings. You walk around thinking everyone else is superior, convinced that whatever you achieve will never be enough, let alone great. I'm essentially sabotaging myself from the jump, which isn't helping.
On one hand, I'm always pushing to improve, which seems healthy... but lately, it just leads to frustration. I watch others put in the work and nail their goals, while no matter how hard I try, I feel stuck being mediocre. And meanwhile, I end up more stressed than those high achievers 🙂.
I suppose it stems from how my parents treated me; nothing I did was ever truly "good enough." For instance, if I got a B on a test, they’d ask, "How many kids got an A?" or "Couldn't you have pushed for an A?" Even if I did get an A in something like Art, they'd say, "That's nice, but an A in Math would have been more useful." They gave a passing compliment, sure, but it was never sufficient. That’s how I developed this view of myself 😢.

So, is this a personality trait or just behavior? And is change actually possible?

Those things shape your personality, but in your case, I think psychotherapy could help clear it out: low self-esteem and a lack of confidence are things you can work on.

George Newman11 said:EDIT: Is it possible that non-physical bullying in elementary or middle school plays a role here, or does this behavior all start at home?

It definitely has a connection. Kids are like predators; they instinctively sniff out someone who won't fight back or someone who looks like an easy target for psychological or physical bullying. But that's usually just a symptom. The root cause, unfortunately, is often familial.

How old are you? Are you still living with your parents or have you moved out? Are you in college, working...?

Thanks for the response 🙂

I'm 24, so I don't have much 😁.
Yes, I'm still living with my parents, though I’d move out in a heartbeat if I could. Between classes, it isn't an option right now. I'm hoping to make that happen within the next couple of years 😉.

Regarding psychotherapy—it's a bit complicated for me because:
1. I have no idea how or where to find help
2. I don't know how to vet a therapist (not looking for a psychiatrist, just someone to talk to if I decide to start 😁), and I certainly don't want some amateur poking around in my head
3. I'd honestly rather handle this on my own with friends if there's any chance that's possible.

As for the insecurity and being closed off, things have actually improved slightly over the last two or three years. That happened once I started separating my own "growth" from my parents' theories on how life should be lived. But they still get under my skin quite a bit, which is why my social life and studies are suffering.
And because of the bullying, I struggle to form deep connections with people, so that suffers too. Most people likely see me as cold and distant.

I honestly don't know if a person's core personality can truly change. If it does, I think it’s more about crystallizing the traits you were born with. But fundamentally altering your basic temperament? I really don't think that's possible. Besides, why would you even want to? Everyone has the potential to become their own kind of diamond just by being themselves.

For instance, I’ve always been an extreme introvert. There was a point where I actually convinced myself I wanted to be a total extrovert. So, I spent a while forcing myself to be social—trying to be the life of the party, joking around, and jumping from group to group. But man, it was absolutely exhausting. Eventually, I decided to just embrace my introversion again. I can't pretend to be some social butterfly when I feel like I weigh a hundred tons. At the end of the day, the people who truly care about me will love me for who I am, and if they don't, that's on them.

There simply isn't any research out there stating that on an individual level, it is "impossible" to alter one's personality traits. It isn't as if a person cannot become significantly more conscientious or substantially less neurotic. Perhaps even the title of this thread was somewhat clumsily phrased—does "can one..." mean "is it possible?" To claim otherwise lacks any real scientific foundation. Consider the case of a gentleman who underwent a procedure where his visual neurons were essentially rerouted to the auditory cortex; suddenly, his auditory regions began behaving somewhat like visual ones. Of course, there were limits—constraints inherent in how stimuli are processed—but it worked to an extent. The human brain possesses plasticity (not infinite, certainly, but the boundaries governing our personality shifts aren't clearly defined), and there is still plenty of "fuel" left in adults for "neural rewiring" and neurogenesis within the cortex and hippocampus. Any adult could theoretically reshape their personality, provided they truly possessed the will to do so. Bit by bit, through state after state, what begins as a temporary mood eventually solidifies into a trait.
And naturally, those who refuse to believe change is possible will achieve nothing at all.
While it is true that personality remains stable when viewed as a statistical average—lacking massive, sweeping shifts across populations—
we are talking here about self-report measures and correlation studies.
For instance, we know that smokers remain remarkably consistent in their habits.
However, we wouldn't jump to the conclusion that quitting smoking is impossible just because the statistics show consistency.

In academic research, "character" and "personality traits" are operationalized quite differently, despite laypeople treating them as synonyms.
Personality psychology is a chaotic theory involving just about everything under the sun.
Consequently, one cannot conclude that a person's personality is set in stone and unchangeable.
It requires effort. One must essentially act "against" their own nature until new patterns of perception and reaction consolidate. But first, shouldn't we start by becoming aware of who we actually are at this moment?
What constitutes my core trait, and what is merely a passing state?
Do I feel more at ease in a crowd or in solitude?
Deciding to quit smoking isn't enough, nor is merely wanting to. You have to apply it; you have to find the method.
When our habitual way of reacting to the world becomes a burden to ourselves, I believe that provides sufficient motivation to seek a new path. Otherwise, one might ask: why bother changing at all? 😁

You're constantly evolving, man, you just don't even realize it yet.

Just take a second to look back at where you were a year or two ago... think about what was actually on your mind and all those things that used to keep you up at night... and then look at where you're standing today.

I bet you've changed physically too—do you think that's had an impact on who you are as a person?

Look, I’m no therapist, so I don't have the credentials to tell you whether people can actually change or not. But if I look at my own life? I don't think we "change." We just realize things, accept them, and learn how to deal with stuff that feels foreign to our nature. It's like someone who's naturally a procrastinator—they aren't going to suddenly undergo a spiritual awakening and become a morning person overnight. They just learn how to manage their time so they stop showing up late to work. At the end of the day, it just comes down to how much willpower you were born with.