Love as a fixed idea

@ dragonfly

You’ve polished this thread up nicely, and I have to say, clinically speaking, it's spotless. But there’s still something left in the traces—something deep within us that just curdles when we come face-to-face with the real thing. And seriously, that avatar? It’s a solid 5 out of 10.

scene.

operating suite, OR II

- anesthesia? we're good.
- vitals? steady.
- let's roll. scalpel? scalpel.
- gauze. yeah.
- retractors. right there.
- hold it. spread the pelvis. there.
- Pean. just like that.
- suction. faster. come on, more.
- cautery. yes.
- catgut. five.
- closing up. we're done.
- stay sharp!

A crumpled green scrub suit lifts away from the sterile field as he heads toward the scrub room. In there, a nurse helps him peel off the gown, gloves, and cap.

script supervisor: - but... sir, you play a psychiatrist on that TV show!
- ??? damn it, I thought I was actually pretty good at this!

wearyhawk83 said:Oh, I’m gonna handle love like I'm snatching Life right out of Death's jaws!

🙂
Clearly you're aggressive. A bit much, honestly. Whatever. Just let go.
About as gentle as a sledgehammer.

Paul Campbell3 said:The OP was basically asking if anyone has ever been stuck in a loop of loving someone they can’t actually be with—like, for years. That kind of unrequited obsession where it turns into this weird fantasy, and you almost seem to find a sick sort of comfort in the heartache itself.

My response was built on a mix of my own therapy sessions, what I’m currently learning in my studies, and actual psychological literature. And yeah, let's be real, there's some personal experience baked in there too.

This is really aimed at the people who are drowning. If you're in the middle of this mess right now, or if you feel like you're headed straight for it, and you know deep down you need to change something because you're just plain miserable—this is for you.

Every story is different, sure, but the underlying mechanics? They're usually the exact same.

The OP wanted to know if these patterns exist. I tried to break down why they happen and where they come from, in a general sense. To get into the weeds of an individual case, obviously, you'd need to actually sit down with the person involved.

If this sparks even a tiny bit of change for someone, then great. 🙂

As for everyone else out there living their best life and happy in their relationships? I hope it stays that way.
They don't need my post. 😉

Maybe you should go back and give your last post another read... feels like you actually need to before you type this one... 😬

I need an apology from Lady Gaga, I want an apology... 😳

Betty Stewart59 said:🙂
Clearly you're aggressive. A bit much, honestly. Whatever. Just let go.
About as gentle as a sledgehammer.

Honestly, I wouldn't bother with all that rocking or trying to drift off. Pretty sure we've got enough reality to deal with without adding extra fluff to the day. 😍

The only thing I actually want is sleep. Like, legit, deep sleep. 😬

Gerald Ward61 said:Maybe you should go back and give your last post another read... feels like you actually need to before you type this one... 😬

I need an apology from Lady Gaga, I want an apology... 😳

Honestly, I don't even get what she'd have to apologize for. 🤷

quietpilot87 said:Honestly, I don't even get what she'd have to apologize for. 🤷

Don't sweat it, quietpilot87. This is just Gerald Ward61 playing with her rhetorical style. Honestly, you should probably encourage her to drop a few more fancy, intelligent words into the mix. I'm pretty sure she’s just using a bit of provocative rhetoric here... that's exactly what the good speakers and debaters tend to do...
☕

Betty Stewart59 said:@ dragonfly

You’ve polished this thread up nicely, and I have to say, clinically speaking, it's spotless. But there’s still something left in the traces—something deep within us that just curdles when we come face-to-face with the real thing. And seriously, that avatar? It’s a solid 5 out of 10.

That burning feeling? That's the whole point. It's what allows us to "know."🙂

Gerald Ward61 said:Maybe you should go back and give your last post another read... feels like you actually need to before you type this one... 😬

I need an apology from Lady Gaga, I want an apology... 😳

Look, I can give you all the apologies you want if it makes you feel better, but it doesn't change anything for me.

I just don't get what the big deal is. Are we really arguing because I quoted you saying there are better and worse kinds of love and you called that "crass"? 🤷

quietpilot87 said:Honestly, I don't even get what she'd have to apologize for. 🤷

See? Exactly my point... 😍

Paul Campbell3 said:Look, I can give you all the apologies you want if it makes you feel better, but it doesn't change anything for me.

I just don't get what the big deal is. Are we really arguing because I quoted you saying there are better and worse kinds of love and you called that "crass"? 🤷

Yeah, call it arrogance then! 😉

Paul Campbell3 said:That burning feeling? That's the whole point. It's what allows us to "know."🙂

Right.

Something like this...

http://inobscuro.com/gallery/phoenix-74/

It’s just different because of that.

Gerald Ward61 said:Honestly, I wouldn't bother with all that rocking or trying to drift off. Pretty sure we've got enough reality to deal with without adding extra fluff to the day. 😍

The only thing I actually want is sleep. Like, legit, deep sleep. 😬

Some people even snore. Whatever. 😍

Nobody's perfect... including me.

Gerald Ward61 said:Yeah, call it arrogance then! 😉

Fine, here's my apology for being such an arrogant jerk.

Betty Stewart59 said:Some people even snore. Whatever. 😍

Nobody's perfect... including me.

Ugh, those are the absolute worst. 😬 There's just no saving them. Not even a kiss, and a wet washcloth to the face won't even wake them up. 🤣

northernbadger12 said:Okay, here comes my little fixation story.

I was fifteen, and it was summer. When he showed up, it honestly just blew my mind—like, literally. I fell in love at first sight, and I don't think it’s ever happened to me since. Not once.

The whole thing is such a cliché, really. He was holding me as the sun was setting over the beach. I was wearing one of his T-shirts because I was freezing, and the sleeves were just a tiny bit too long for me. He reached his hand inside that long sleeve, grabbed my shaky little hand, and kissed me. It was my very first kiss. I actually pulled away immediately because I totally panicked—I just wasn't used to feeling anything that intense, you know? And he was older, definitely more experienced (at least that's how it felt to me back then). I think he cared about me too, but maybe I was acting too much like a kid, and since he wasn't really looking for something serious, he ended up kissing someone else right in front of me on other nights. That’s when the heartache started. I felt so insulted and hurt.

I just couldn't handle being anyone's second choice, and he eventually realized he'd hurt me. To this day, he’s still like a god to me, but he made that one human mistake that I just couldn't get past (I can still see the image of him kissing that girl in my head), and it just froze me up.

Years go by, and he’s still my first and my last—even though we only see each other maybe twice a year in big group settings, there's always this weird, unresolved tension between us. I've had other relationships and fallen for other people, but he remains this perfect ideal that I love endlessly. Honestly, nobody else even comes close.

Then, about seven or eight years later, I hit a really low point. I was dealing with a major depression after a three-year relationship ended, and I decided I had to settle this once and for all. I mean, there's no sense in living with a fixation like that, right? So, I reached out to him. This was back when everyone was obsessed with email, so we started writing to each other. I finally admitted to him how crushed I was on him back then (though telling him I'd loved him for eight years straight might have been a bit much, don't you think? haha).
We set up a time to meet.

And finally, the day arrives. We hadn't seen each other for at least two years. I ended up having three Fernet cocktails and two Bud Lights. Then I see him, and he sees me. We hug for a long time, laughing and just looking at each other. Anyway, to make a long story short—after two hangouts that were actually super fun and great—I realized he’s just a totally normal guy. Nothing special or different from anyone else. He's still a wonderful person, obviously, but I realized my brain had just manufactured this entire persona. I had built this little fantasy world I could retreat to whenever someone let me down in real life. He was my Mr. X—something to hold onto when I felt like the ground was slipping out from under me.

I’m so glad I did it. I’m happy I finally admitted to myself that I had created this obsession. I feel liberated, like I've dropped this heavy weight and can finally move on. Everything feels so much easier now, and I’m way more open to meeting new people. 🙏

I guess we could sit here and debate definitions of love or human relationships all day, but personally, I think the definition changes as much as the people do. Because, well—everyone is different, I suppose. 😍

That's a perfect example. 🙂

John Doe served his purpose in your life while he was needed. Once you shifted your boundaries and leveled up, he naturally became irrelevant.

It happens when you grow up a little. 🙂
And you can't force it.
For you, it took 8 years.
If someone had just handed you the answer back then without you asking, you would have missed out on this entire lesson. A forced solution wouldn't have worked anyway; you wouldn't have even accepted it.

Thanks for sharing that with us.
😉

Paul Campbell3 said:Fine, here's my apology for being such an arrogant jerk.

🙂 😘 😍

...and honestly? I should've just said "love." That would've been plenty... 🙂

Paul Campbell3 said:Such a perfect example. 🙂

Wait, what? So all she needed was to actually face him to realize he’s just some totally "average guy," which popped her bubble and killed the feelings? Was it even love to begin with, or just some weird obsession with an idea?

And what's wrong with the guy? 😬 Maybe he actually showed interest in her, and she just bolted... 🤣

Mr. X played his part in your life while he was useful. Later, you moved the goalposts and raised your standards, so naturally, he lost his relevance.

😁 ...while he was useful?

Gerald Ward61 said:🙂 😘 😍

...and honestly? I should've just said "love." That would've been plenty... 🙂

🙂

Now that you brought it up, you're right. It all comes down to love. Even when it doesn't look that way at first glance.
The only thing we can actually do is ask ourselves: how does this impact us personally?

That's where the whole "good," "better," and "worse" thing kicks in... and that's how we react. 🙂

So, we either raise the bar or lower it. Depends.
And that's how we shift our own boundaries.

That's why what works for me might not work for someone else. And vice versa.
You have to understand that. 😳

Sorry, but I honestly have zero clue what you just typed there. 😂

Whatever, as long as you're aware... 🙂

I'm gonna head out... night...