Love as a fixed idea

To the human mind, the future is just the sum of past and present experiences.

Most things we label as "problems" evaporate the very second we pivot toward finding a solution.

But in those instances where focusing on a solution is impossible (to caricature: checking if there's anyone available and single within two feet of us), and we choose instead to be "in love with an unattainable object," it implies there is something called a "hidden benefit" driving that behavior.

And that's when we usually say: "I know it's crazy, but I looooove them!"

If anyone tries to offer a solution in that situation—especially one that clashes with our feelings—we typically snap: "You don't get it. You've never known 'true love'!"

And until that "hidden benefit" is satisfied some other way, we'll just keep repeating the pattern by choosing "unrequited romances."

Paul Campbell3 said:Regarding the opening topic—strictly from a psychological standpoint rather than a literary one—here’s a quick little breakdown.

Emotions are pretty much the only compass we've got to navigate through this life.
Our brains—look, let's be real—just aren't wired to see the big picture. We're trapped by space and time, stuck in this tiny little bubble. We can't predict what's coming next because we’re constantly reacting solely from the here and now.
For our minds. The future isn't some magical thing that just happens. It’s nothing more than the sum of everything we’ve already been through and what we’re doing right now. Period.

That’s exactly why we fall back on our "gut feelings" and how we think we feel.
The "heart" sees the big picture perfectly. It connects all the dots. But it doesn't have a sense of space or time, you know? So we end up stuck in this loop where a massive change keeps eating us alive, yet we don't actually wrap our heads around it until fifteen years later.

Depending on what kind of emotions you're dealing with, they’re going to drive you toward a specific type of action—or, more likely, total paralysis. Most of us just merge with our feelings. We let them become who we are, and that gives us this false sense of... well, everything. "If only we were actually alive.".

We’ve all been there—that moment when you feel like you’ve finally had enough, but you’re still too terrified to actually pull the trigger. You're scared that if you make a move, things will just go from bad to worse. Honestly? That’s just a sign you aren't ready yet. It means you haven't hit that level of maturity where you can handle the actual cost of making a change. If the price tag on transformation feels too high, you're just stalling. 🙂

Alright, let’s talk about this whole "obsessing over an idol" thing when there's zero basis in reality. I’m assuming we’re talking about that specific brand of madness where someone fixes their sights on a person who is—for whatever reason—completely out of reach. You know the drill: they're already taken, they live halfway across the country, or they wouldn't give you the time of day if you were on fire. It’s a total caricature of a crush. Honestly, it’s just a phase most of us stumble through in high school, or at least something we all deal with at least once in our lives.

Look, there are definitely people out there who—just like the OP said—keep doing this over and over again.
In other words, They're just repeating the same old pattern. Over and over again..
Fine by me if they don't see it as a problem—they can keep living like that forever for all I care.

Wait, what about the people who suddenly snap and realize that this kind of life is just completely pointless? 🤷

We’ve all heard those cheesy old sayings, haven't we? Like, "out of sight, out of mind." Or that one about how love is only beautiful while you're still waiting for it. Total clichés.

Most of what we call "problems" just evaporate the second you actually start working on a solution..

Look, when we’re stuck in those moments where we just can't focus on actually solving anything—and yeah, I’m exaggerating here, like when you're too busy checking if there's some single person standing two feet away from you—and we decide to just fall head over heels for something that's completely out of reach... well, that kind of behavior has a name. "Hidden profit." That’s all anyone ever talks about, right? Like there’s some secret stash of cash just waiting to be uncovered if you only look hard enough. Give me a break..

And then we usually say: I know it sounds totally insane, but I am just sooooo obsessed with them!

When someone tries to hand you a solution in a situation like this—especially one that totally clashes with how you’re feeling—what do we usually say?You just don't get it. You've never even laid eyes on what "real love" actually looks like!

And until that "hidden gain" gets satisfied some other way, we’re just going to keep pointing out the pattern—the one where they keep picking "unrequited love" over and over again.

If there weren't any boundaries, we wouldn't bother learning a damn thing.
Either other people draw our limits for us, or we go out and build them ourselves—clinging to everyone else's blueprints or just repeating the same old lessons we've been fed since the day we were born.

Boundaries are nothing but illusions. That’s why relationships are never set in stone—they have a beginning, they have an end. We use these lines to define where one person stops and the other begins. It's how we spot the differences. Once you see those gaps, you finally see who you actually are. That’s the whole point of getting involved with someone.
Let’s learn how to actually be alone with ourselves. 🙂.
Honestly, you get much better results when you go through an intermediary.

It’s the same old story. People who keep falling into the exact same patterns? They aren't fixing anything—they're just buying themselves more time.
It’s that classic "stuck in a moment" syndrome.
I honestly can't deal with these "symptoms" anymore.
Sometimes they just throw in the towel because it all gets too heavy for them. And honestly? That’s usually exactly when they finally get a shot at actually changing.

On top of that, being in love with the idea of love—or getting obsessed with some impossible fantasy about an unavailable partner—comes with a nasty little side effect: Control.

We’re constantly checking ourselves, obsessing over exactly how close we are to hitting that target.
Take distance, for instance—it keeps us apart. Or maybe it's family obligations preventing us from taking things seriously, or a demanding career at a firm like Goldman Sachs blocking any real intimacy. Or even just our own looks, like
. We can find a hundred different excuses for why a relationship has no future, even when we're head over heels. We convince ourselves we have everything under control 🙂
.
But if we actually took a leap—filed for divorce, moved across the country, switched careers, or finally hit up a plastic surgeon—we’d be stepping straight into the unknown.
And you can't control the unknown.
(Maybe we get ghosted, or find out he actually values his wife and kids more than us and isn't ready to blow up his marriage, or some surgeon tells us there's nothing to work with, or a new job turns out to be a total disaster for our partner and we're just left guessing).

While we sit there waiting, that possibility stays safely tucked away in our heads, so we do absolutely nothing out of pure fear.
And that fear? It's rooted in insecurity.
Like the fear that we aren't good enough, attractive enough, smart enough, or fit enough for a real family.

That’s how these massive romantic epics are born. These grand, sweeping love stories.
And we walk away thinking only unrequited love matters—because let's face it, who ever wrote a masterpiece about a happy, stable couple?

So we crave that "impossible love" because we've been brainwashed to believe it's the only kind that counts.
We pass up the "small," functional loves because nobody writes books or makes movies about them.

Unrequited stuff has this huge emotional charge. And we constantly mistake that intensity for "true love." Mostly because that's what we were taught, and because we mistakenly think our emotions *are* our identity.

We feel like we have to "die to love." Or at least suffer. Like Romeo and Juliet. Or young Werther. That's the hallmark of "real love" in our minds. So that's the only thing we hunt for. Because it's the only script we know.

But imagine if someone told us: love is actually cheerful. Joyful. It doesn't hurt at all. It feels more like a good slice of apple pie. And it isn't tied to just one person.

Anyway, that's my "psychological" take on it. Now you guys go ahead and get literary about which kinds of love are worth a damn, or worthy of a book or a Hollywood screenplay. 😉

Gerald Ward61 said:Less talking, more kissing. 😍 When are you gonna figure that part out? 🤣 😉 😉

Write love letters 😍...dream up all these grand gestures... and then just stop bringing this topic up. 😉

Betty Stewart59 says:


Walt Whitman put it a bit differently in his "Leaves of Grass."

Sean Cruz said:Look, I've only got a second to drop this—life's getting busy, you know how it is... 😁

Julia, for heaven's sake, ended her life over the first guy she even laid eyes on. Do you honestly think anyone actually dreams of living like that? 😲 🤣

P.S. Regarding everything else, there’s plenty of truth to be found, but also plenty of nonsense, though I'll save that for another day... 😁

cosmictinker21 said:

Betty Stewart59 says:


Walt Whitman put it a bit differently in his "Leaves of Grass."

It’s not about grass blades, really, it’s just a story about love:

Realizing that being with those I love is enough,
Stopping in the evening to rest in their company is enough,
Being surrounded by the beautiful, the curious, the breathing, the living... that is enough...

I don't go searching for joy anymore; I just swim in it like the Atlantic.
There is something in watching people, men and women alike, nearby...
Something in their touch and their scent that truly nourishes the soul.

Everything feeds the soul, but these things feed it best.

Walt Whitman

wearyhawk83 said:@Dragonfly - Seriously well-written piece. You definitely deserve some props for this one! 🙂

@Betty Stewart59 - Why do you think those "arrogant" types who have never experienced love—and never will—are the ones you're targeting in your poems?

cosmictinker21 said:So, you were actually looking for sweet little verses from me?
Did you honestly think the stuff I used to sing was just too
complicated to follow or make sense of?
Well, just because I wasn't singing for you to track or decode back then
doesn't mean I'll start doing it now;
—What do poets like me even matter to people like you? —so just leave
my work alone,
And go ahead, try to drift off to sleep with whatever it is you can actually grasp;
Because I don't lull anyone to sleep—and you’re never going to
get me anyway.

Walt Whitman

Betty Stewart59;25675683 said:

Typical guy talk, totally uninspired... just basic stuff.

Actually, those are just translations of some old blues lyrics and coffeehouse poems. It’s all from that collection titled "The Grass is Wet." I mean, who am I to second-guess the official versions? I guess your little linguistic experts did a fine job for you.🤷.

It feels a bit blunt and messy. Honestly, you come across like one of those stubborn old academics who just picks up whatever scraps they find lying around. Why even complain about poetry? If you want to argue about meter and rhyme, go find a literary forum or something. Just sit there with your Starbucks and leave it alone. Maybe someone will actually nod along with you if you're lucky...

Betty Stewart59 said:Come on, W. Whitman Dell, you’ve got it all wrong. Seriously. Maybe try actually reading what’s written for once instead of just slapping down those garbage translations that completely miss the point. Use that youth of yours to focus.
So, here I am, playing the part of the grumpy old lady for you.

Did I ask you to feed me sweet, sugary rhymes? No.

Was my song earlier really that difficult for you to wrap your head around?
To grasp the reality of it all? It’s a tall order. Most people spend their lives skimming the surface, terrified of what happens when they actually dive in. They want the comfort of easy answers and polished lies. But if you're looking for the truth, you have to be willing to sit with the discomfort. You have to look at the wreckage and realize that nothing is as simple as the news cycle wants you to believe. It isn't about finding a single answer; it's about accepting that there might not be one. That's the part everyone misses.

I wasn't exactly performing a solo concert just to get you to follow along.
I get it—or at least, I used to. Now? I’m just as lost as anyone else.

What am I even doing here? What does someone like me, a poet, have to offer someone like you?
So, just walk away from what I’ve built. Leave my work behind.

Just sink into whatever little comfort you can actually wrap your head around.

I’m not here to soothe anyone—and frankly, you’ll never truly get me.

A lullaby is meant to rock you, not knock you out.

Length doesn't equal quality. Just because a language is long doesn't mean it's actually any good.
You see how some people just ruin the very song they're singing when it comes to love. Don't you agree, wearyhawk83?

Betty Stewart59 said:Look, I’d say you’re just projecting your own selfishness here. Just relax. I never once wrote that they were arrogant, nor did I ever think it—but you certainly felt it, didn't you?

In your case, it's still "eyes fixed firmly on earthly matters."
Those who talk too much never truly fly.😍

There are way too many people staring up from the ground, bragging about how they've been there.
But you aren't one of them, and you never will be.

cosmictinker21 said:One could always try checking a dictionary... though, admittedly, reading isn't always easy.

Blasphemy isn't quite the same thing as hypocrisy. You've got the wrong target.

Betty Stewart59 said:We’re discussing love here, not punctuation.
It’s like you’re missing the big picture entirely. Your perception is clearly off.
Consider yourself flagged. Have a pleasant evening 🙂

Betty Stewart59 said:If you don't get what love actually is, how are you ever going to make it work?