Love as a fixed idea

Gerald Ward61 said:So what have you guys actually done to love... why would it be some fixed obsession? Maybe that guy just loves her way more than he ever managed to say out loud.

What kind of "love" are we even talking about if you aren't idealizing your partner? Is it better to just spend your time insulting them? Or maybe just viewing them as some totally mediocre person? (unless they actually *are* mediocre 😬). What are you even falling for here? Do you even know? What’s the draw for you?

...like when, after twenty years, he looks at her and says, "hey gorgeous," and he actually means it. Does it even matter if it's "idealization" or whatever in that moment? It fills him up; it makes him feel light, happy, alive. And hey, maybe she really is "objectively" stunning. 🙂

Maybe the person in the original post is hurting for a completely different reason... and trust me, there are plenty of those. Maybe he just needs a specific part of her—something that actually moves him...

Love lives in poetry, it shows up in a touch, it's caught in a glance... man... it hurts... when you can't feel it somehow. Nobody complains about the quantity... because you can't measure it. 😉

Ah... love, man... that love... 😍

I can actually see where this is coming from. I have someone close to me who has been in love with the same person for years now. Even though the odds of them ever being together are slim to none, that feeling hasn't faded. They had a chance at something real years ago, but life happened and they drifted apart. It'll probably stay that way, but they still see each other occasionally, and I know firsthand that what one side feels is genuine love. In fact, this person is the only reason I haven't completely dismissed the notion that "unconditional" love doesn't exist.

What would love even look like to you if you weren't idealizing your partner?

Sometimes, reading your posts makes me want to sink into a deep depression. 😬 Fortunately, it's a gorgeous sunny day today, so I won't. 🤣

Me and Brad Pitt 😍

Look, with all due respect to everyone who went through it—myself included—I think there’s just something fundamentally broken in the way people process this stuff.

northernbadger12 said:Look, I started this thread because I went through something strikingly similar starting when I was fifteen, and it dragged on for nearly a decade.

I fell for him the second I saw him; to me, he was basically a god. We were never officially together, but we hung out constantly, and I always felt this deep, unspoken connection. Even while I was in long-term relationships with other guys, he was always there, and we just seemed to "get" each other 😍 but we never actually made it happen. It wasn't until I was about 24 that I decided I had to try, otherwise I’d spend the rest of my life pining for him while being with someone else. Once we actually started seeing each other more regularly, I realized my feelings were fading. As it turns out, I preferred the fairy tale I had built up in my head—the illusion was what actually made me happy. 🤷

Before that, I lived with this intense, "funky" kind of love, but afterward, I just felt... cured. 😍😍😍

Given the situation I described, it isn't quite that black and white. These people were together, they hadn't seen each other in years, and their next encounter hit like a boomerang—except a relationship just wasn't possible anymore. They still see each other occasionally, even to this day. There’s nothing romantic happening between them now, but the affection is still there. I don't know how deep those feelings run on his end, but they exist. So, what you're talking about is a completely different animal. We all grew up with these "ideals" we daydreamed about, completely forgetting that real life works differently. But then again, who am I to judge...

cosmicwolf27 said:Look, with all due respect to everyone who went through it—myself included—I think there’s just something fundamentally broken in the way people process this stuff.

Maybe you've got a point there.

But honestly, man, I was reading this thing the other day about how artists work... you know, those cases where some guy catches a glimpse of a total stranger walking down a street in NYC, falls head over heels, gets hit by this wild, funky inspiration, and suddenly churns out a masterpiece that ends up moving people and healing souls globally for the next three centuries. Just imagine that kind of madness.

Personally? I'd much rather deal with an artist who’s got a few screws loose than one who's perfectly composed, polished, and completely devoid of soul. A straight-up Nazi.

*Added that rhyme just to keep things edgy.

Sean Cruz said:I can actually see where this is coming from. I have someone close to me who has been in love with the same person for years now. Even though the odds of them ever being together are slim to none, that feeling hasn't faded. They had a chance at something real years ago, but life happened and they drifted apart. It'll probably stay that way, but they still see each other occasionally, and I know firsthand that what one side feels is genuine love. In fact, this person is the only reason I haven't completely dismissed the notion that "unconditional" love doesn't exist.

What would love even look like to you if you weren't idealizing your partner?

Sometimes, reading your posts makes me want to sink into a deep depression. 😬 Fortunately, it's a gorgeous sunny day today, so I won't. 🤣

Ugh, sounds brutal. Love isn't some easy ride. People say it makes you feel alive, sure, but it also demands constant work. And honestly? Sometimes you just want to take a break. 😬 Like, seriously, sometimes you just want to turn your brain off and go for a walk. But then people talk about that "high" where you feel light as a feather.

Sometimes reading your stuff makes me want to spiral into a deep depression. 😬 But hey, it’s a gorgeous sunny day out, so I think I'll pass. 🤣

Seriously? No way...

Sean Cruz said:Given the situation I described, it isn't quite that black and white. These people were together, they hadn't seen each other in years, and their next encounter hit like a boomerang—except a relationship just wasn't possible anymore. They still see each other occasionally, even to this day. There’s nothing romantic happening between them now, but the affection is still there. I don't know how deep those feelings run on his end, but they exist. So, what you're talking about is a completely different animal. We all grew up with these "ideals" we daydreamed about, completely forgetting that real life works differently. But then again, who am I to judge...

What do you even mean by "there's nothing left between them"?

northernbadger12 said:Look, I only started this thread because back when I was fifteen, I went through something almost identical, and it dragged on for nearly a decade...

I fell for him the second I saw him—total god status in my eyes. We were never officially "together," but we’d hang out, and there was always this weird, unspoken connection. Even when I was in long-term relationships with other guys, he was always there, and we just *got* each other 😍 but nothing ever actually happened. It wasn't until I hit 24 that I realized I had to go for it, otherwise I'd spend the rest of my life miserable, dating random people while constantly thinking about him... but once we finally started seeing each other more regularly, I realized my feelings were totally fading. Turns out, I actually preferred the fairy tale version from before... the illusion made me way happier 🤷

Up until then, it was this "funky kind of love," but after that? I felt... I don't know, cured, I guess... 😍😍😍

Interesting.

People would lose their minds if those feelings stayed at a constant level forever. You wouldn't even perceive them the same way anymore. And you definitely wouldn't feel sane. But didn't you jump the gun a little? Like, you dove straight into an "illusion of reality." 😬

velvetbear11 said:Maybe you've got a point there.

But honestly, man, I was reading this thing the other day about how artists work... you know, those cases where some guy catches a glimpse of a total stranger walking down a street in NYC, falls head over heels, gets hit by this wild, funky inspiration, and suddenly churns out a masterpiece that ends up moving people and healing souls globally for the next three centuries. Just imagine that kind of madness.

Personally? I'd much rather deal with an artist who’s got a few screws loose than one who's perfectly composed, polished, and completely devoid of soul. A straight-up Nazi.

*Added that rhyme just to keep things edgy.

Or maybe he’s just perfectly polished. 😉

Gerald Ward61 said:Or maybe he’s just perfectly polished. 😉

God, man, I really managed to twist things around on my own there, didn't I? You hit the nail right on the head! It totally clicked for me once you said it.

Pretty cool. 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOmdDEVyg1E

wearyorca94 said:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOmdDEVyg1E

She's a total cutie... 😍

So, I was just sitting there thinking about Leonardo DiCaprio... man, that guy really knows how to pick a role, doesn't he? He’s basically the king of playing guys who are either deeply troubled or just incredibly intense. It’s like his whole brand at this point. One minute he's chasing after some lost dream in a period piece, and the next he's staring intensely into the middle distance while everything around him goes to hell. Honestly, watching him is like watching a masterclass in "I have a lot of feelings but I'm going to express them through a single, heavy stare." Sometimes I wonder if he ever just gets to go to a regular grocery store without looking like he's about to solve a murder mystery or win an Oscar for it... anyway, just a random thought. He's good, though. Really good. 🙂

...and I still remember that little kid from... The Terminator... Or maybe even Sly's son... I think he popped up in one of the Rocky Balboa movies once... 😍Man... all those teenage crushes... and I basically had the entire script of Back to the Future memorized just because of Michael J. Fox. Seriously. Marty McFly was everything... 😍 Man, I was actually tearing up... just total heartbreak... and on top of that, he was played by Kevin Costner... I even shot him a message myself... and get this—he actually wrote back. Eheheeee.... 🙂
I just knew she’d be the absolute best girl in the world... if I’d only had the chance. 😍 🤣

velvetbear11 said:Look, guys, stop constantley feeding on nothing but negativity.

That kind of love is honestly just super-funky, at least in my experience.

It was either a lifetime ago or just yesterday—time gets blurry—but I fell head over heels for this girl after we exchanged, what, maybe two words? I never saw her again. And whether that crush lasted for a fleeting moment or a long stretch, yeah, sure, you can call it idealizing someone if you want, but it didn't leave me with any bitter feelings. Quite the opposite, actually; it felt incredibly funky. I’d be floating to work, floating home, and even while sitting at my desk, I just loved being alive in this world. No matter what bullshit was going on, the mere thought of her gave me this funky little surge of energy, this lightness. I was genuinely happier than usual. And get this: even though she vanished from my life forever, somehow... it still counts as a happy love.

And here's the kicker: I found courage. I’ve never been braver. I was basically acting like some knight errant serving a princess, even if she had no clue I existed. It sounds cheesy, I know, but you know how incredible—how truly funky—that feeling is?

In fact, I finally tackled some issues that had been haunting me for years; it took a massive amount of guts to face them. And then, eventually, I moved on.

maybe that was meee
🙂

it was a long time ago or maybe recently, some knight I saw passing by... amidst thunder and lightning... funky 😍

Gerald Ward61 said:Ugh, sounds brutal. Love isn't some easy ride. People say it makes you feel alive, sure, but it also demands constant work. And honestly? Sometimes you just want to take a break. 😬 Like, seriously, sometimes you just want to turn your brain off and go for a walk. But then people talk about that "high" where you feel light as a feather.

Sometimes reading your stuff makes me want to spiral into a deep depression. 😬 But hey, it’s a gorgeous sunny day out, so I think I'll pass. 🤣

Seriously? No way...

I honestly don't even know how to put this—she told me she was just bored with it. 😁

Are you serious? No way...

Oh, please... you’re such an idealist with that relentless positivity. As for me? I’m just an optimist of a different breed: 😁

Pessimist: It can’t get any worse than this.

Optimist: It can happen, it really can...

Gerald Ward61 said:What do you even mean by "there's nothing left between them"?

They aren't dating, and there isn't even a remote chance they ever will be.

Sean Cruz said:I honestly don't even know how to put this—she told me she was just bored with it. 😁

Are you serious? No way...

Oh, please... you’re such an idealist with that relentless positivity. As for me? I’m just an optimist of a different breed: 😁

Pessimist: It can’t get any worse than this.

Optimist: It can happen, it really can...

...so now he's being possessive?

Yeah, sure... you're such an optimist and a total idealist...

Look, I just exaggerate because it's easier to get my point across that way. 🤣

...but hey, I really do think two people can actually click and bring out the best in each other—you know, actually love each other. It's pretty simple. 😬 😉

And here I am, just a pure optimist: 😁The Pessimist: It can't get any worse.
The Optimist: Oh yeah, it totally can...

Ugh, man... aaaaaaaa......😱 😉

Sean Cruz said:They aren't dating, and there isn't even a remote chance they ever will be.

Yeah, I figured that out. But something still feels... off? Or maybe I just totally missed your point. Whatever, no biggie! 😉

Man, I’ve been wondering about this too... why can't they just be together? I mean, they clearly love each other... or maybe they just love each other in some totally different way??? Please, please tell me! 😁

Gerald Ward61 said:...so now he's being possessive?

Yeah, sure... you're such an optimist and a total idealist...

Look, I just exaggerate because it's easier to get my point across that way. 🤣

...but hey, I really do think two people can actually click and bring out the best in each other—you know, actually love each other. It's pretty simple. 😬 😉

And here I am, just a pure optimist: 😁The Pessimist: It can't get any worse.
The Optimist: Oh yeah, it totally can...

Ugh, man... aaaaaaaa......😱 😉

He is. But he finds it perfectly acceptable that she isn't.

I tend to exaggerate just because it makes it easier to get my point across. 🤣

...but I truly believe two people can come together and bring out the best in one another—essentially, they can actually love each other. It’s quite straightforward. 😬 😉

Exactly. It really is that simple. 😁 Your perspective is so vastly different from mine that there are moments I almost envy your outlook. 🙂 My view is that love only truly begins once the idealization fades away.

Uh, man... aaaaaaaa......😱 😉

🤣

Is that really such a crime? 😁

Gerald Ward61 said:Yeah, I figured that out. But something still feels... off? Or maybe I just totally missed your point. Whatever, no biggie! 😉

What part didn't you get? 🤷 They run into each other occasionally, sure, but there’s zero intimacy there. There hasn't been anything since they broke up. The thing is, she's clearly still hung up on him, whereas he seems much less invested. I honestly thought she would have moved on by now, but it's been years. She really loves him.