Relationship advice needed: How would you handle this?

Jonathan Barnes7 said:I've been seeing this guy for a while now. Our situation is a little complicated if I'm being honest, but that's just how it is. He knows I'm on the pill—there isn't any other birth control involved here. We trust each other, but even so, he hasn't finished inside me yet, which honestly works for both of us.

But during sex the last time, he dropped this incredibly weird question on me and I have no clue how to take it. So I'm asking you all—how would you interpret this?

Right in the middle of things—he stops—and asks me, "Are you still on the pill?" I insisted he tell me why he was even asking, but he wouldn't. Instead, he just gave me this smug, joking look and said, "Haha, don't try to trap me." He's got all sorts of weird quirks, so I wasn't totally shocked, okay? It was clearly meant as a joke. But once we were done and he hugged me, I was genuinely offended by what he said and the fact that he'd even ask that mid-act. I asked him again what he meant by that. He didn't give me a straight answer; he just held me and told me not to take it personally because he didn't mean anything bad by it. He gave me this playful look right before... so yeah, someone please tell me how I'm supposed to feel about this.

It wasn't meant to be negative, aside from that annoying little jab he made. I reacted pretty strongly, telling him I'm not stupid enough to try and trap him like that, if that's even possible. I mean, he's with me. He's older. We're both at an age where things matter. I'm finishing up college, and honestly, he's long past the age of rushing to get married. But we haven't talked about that kind of stuff because we haven't even officially defined what this is. Our relationship is... vague. He's still afraid of commitment, so we're taking it slow. We aren't seeing anyone else, but we aren't "public" yet either.

Exactly. If he's afraid of getting attached, it makes total sense why he wouldn't want kids—they represent the ultimate commitment.

...there’s a massive difference between just not wanting to get pregnant right now... and someone who flat-out doesn't believe you... or keeps their whole life hidden from you... It's not like being with a guy who's actually sure about what he wants...
...no, I'm not joking around here... he really isn't looking for anything beyond the physical stuff...
....just take a second to think about it... when you truly love someone... when you actually give a damn about them... is that how you'd act?

hm.. he really didn't need to make that joke at all.. feels like it just slipped out without him thinking, especially since he tried to backpedal later saying you shouldn't take it as an insult.. basically, my take is that he's still mostly just looking for something physical with you rather than anything serious... maybe I'm wrong... but man, we all mess up sometimes, God knows...

Rachel Hernandez2 said:Exactly. If he's afraid of getting attached, it makes total sense why he wouldn't want kids—they represent the ultimate commitment.

But does she actually want one?
When you look at it that way, her intentions in this relationship aren't even that clear.
If he’s scared of being tied down, isn't she feeling that same fear?
To me, the whole thing just feels like an immature, dishonest situation on both sides.

Peter Pan in an adult body.🙄

Look, sorry, but you’re never going to make a meal out of that flour. If you want a real relationship instead of just a casual hookup, you need to run the other way. He was being blunt because he's panicking about the possibility of you getting pregnant. This guy isn't your boyfriend; he’s just someone looking for something casual. He won't even take you to the movies, let alone introduce you to his friends.🙄
I am certain you deserve more. You can find someone much better than a guy who just wants to sleep with you without any intention of committing. And listen to the wise one here!!! 🙄 Sorry, but that's just not how you should handle this.😢
You didn't get offended for no reason. Think long and hard about what your next move should be.

Jonathan Barnes7 said:I've been seeing this guy for a while now. Our situation is a little complicated if I'm being honest, but that's just how it is. He knows I'm on the pill—there isn't any other birth control involved here. We trust each other, but even so, he hasn't finished inside me yet, which honestly works for both of us.

But during sex the last time, he dropped this incredibly weird question on me and I have no clue how to take it. So I'm asking you all—how would you interpret this?

Right in the middle of things—he stops—and asks me, "Are you still on the pill?" I insisted he tell me why he was even asking, but he wouldn't. Instead, he just gave me this smug, joking look and said, "Haha, don't try to trap me." He's got all sorts of weird quirks, so I wasn't totally shocked, okay? It was clearly meant as a joke. But once we were done and he hugged me, I was genuinely offended by what he said and the fact that he'd even ask that mid-act. I asked him again what he meant by that. He didn't give me a straight answer; he just held me and told me not to take it personally because he didn't mean anything bad by it. He gave me this playful look right before... so yeah, someone please tell me how I'm supposed to feel about this.

It wasn't meant to be negative, aside from that annoying little jab he made. I reacted pretty strongly, telling him I'm not stupid enough to try and trap him like that, if that's even possible. I mean, he's with me. He's older. We're both at an age where things matter. I'm finishing up college, and honestly, he's long past the age of rushing to get married. But we haven't talked about that kind of stuff because we haven't even officially defined what this is. Our relationship is... vague. He's still afraid of commitment, so we're taking it slow. We aren't seeing anyone else, but we aren't "public" yet either.

Just jumping in here: Of course the guy is afraid of commitment. He's scared of a serious relationship and scared of letting his guard down. As for why he asked you that right in the middle of sex? My first thought is that he was feeling intense desire to finish inside you, got spooked by his own urge, and panicked.

Now, the real question is how long you two have been hanging out. Maybe it's just initial distrust, which is normal. But for some people, that phase never ends. Some guys just aren't built for relationships, or at least not healthy ones. It's probably nothing to do with you personally; it's just his own baggage.

EDIT: I suspect the bigger issue is that he's keeping you a secret, rather than whatever happened during sex.

I've been seeing this guy for a while now. Our situation is a little complicated if I'm being honest, but that's just how it is. He knows I'm on the pill—there isn't any other birth control involved here. We trust each other, but even so, he hasn't finished inside me yet, which honestly works for both of us.

But during sex the last time, he dropped this incredibly weird question on me and I have no clue how to take it. So I'm asking you all—how would you interpret this?

Right in the middle of things—he stops—and asks me, "Are you still on the pill?" I insisted he tell me why he was even asking, but he wouldn't. Instead, he just gave me this smug, joking look and said, "Haha, don't try to trap me." He's got all sorts of weird quirks, so I wasn't totally shocked, okay? It was clearly meant as a joke. But once we were done and he hugged me, I was genuinely offended by what he said and the fact that he'd even ask that mid-act. I asked him again what he meant by that. He didn't give me a straight answer; he just held me and told me not to take it personally because he didn't mean anything bad by it. He gave me this playful look right before... so yeah, someone please tell me how I'm supposed to feel about this.

It wasn't meant to be negative, aside from that annoying little jab he made. I reacted pretty strongly, telling him I'm not stupid enough to try and trap him like that, if that's even possible. I mean, he's with me. He's older. We're both at an age where things matter. I'm finishing up college, and honestly, he's long past the age of rushing to get married. But we haven't talked about that kind of stuff because we haven't even officially defined what this is. Our relationship is... vague. He's still afraid of commitment, so we're taking it slow. We aren't seeing anyone else, but we aren't "public" yet either.

He’s probably just terrified of having a kid. That's really the crux of the whole thing.

What’s he going to do about it? Imagine if he actually trusts him, only to get screwed over.😂😂

I have to point out that he has never once finished inside me—regardless of the fact that I’m on the pill and he knows damn well that I am!

So, I don't get what happened or why he's even asking that question in the middle of sex. There is zero reason to worry about pregnancy because there is absolutely no chance of that happening. It hasn't happened before, and it won't now, especially since we use both the pull-out method and the pill!!

And yeah, our situation is still a mess right now. He just can't bring himself to fully commit or let go because of the trauma from his last long-term relationship. This has been dragging on for months. On the surface, it feels like a real relationship, except we don't go out with friends or anything; it's always just the two of us. It's like he's terrified of the actual word "relationship." As soon as things get serious, he hits the brakes. I believe him, and we've been honest with each other since day one, but he refuses to talk about what happened (and honestly, I don't want to know the details either). He's insecure and feels like he can't be in a defined relationship with me, yet he doesn't want me with anyone else and he won't let me go... but he isn't seeing anyone else either!

Jonathan Barnes7 said:I have to point out that he has never once finished inside me—regardless of the fact that I’m on the pill and he knows damn well that I am!

So, I don't get what happened or why he's even asking that question in the middle of sex. There is zero reason to worry about pregnancy because there is absolutely no chance of that happening. It hasn't happened before, and it won't now, especially since we use both the pull-out method and the pill!!

And yeah, our situation is still a mess right now. He just can't bring himself to fully commit or let go because of the trauma from his last long-term relationship. This has been dragging on for months. On the surface, it feels like a real relationship, except we don't go out with friends or anything; it's always just the two of us. It's like he's terrified of the actual word "relationship." As soon as things get serious, he hits the brakes. I believe him, and we've been honest with each other since day one, but he refuses to talk about what happened (and honestly, I don't want to know the details either). He's insecure and feels like he can't be in a defined relationship with me, yet he doesn't want me with anyone else and he won't let me go... but he isn't seeing anyone else either!

I'm not a fan of that. How long do you think is acceptable to stay in some weird limbo or half-relationship? A year? Two?

Maybe he’s just terrified of getting hurt again. Some wounds take a long time to heal, you know? If he’s completely shutting down whenever his ex comes up, those scars are probably still pretty raw.
If you were just some casual hookup to him, he wouldn't care who you were hanging out with when he wasn't around.

Honestly, I think this is hitting you way harder than him—he’s got nothing to worry about since he’s doing just fine, so the real question is what *you* want. Are you looking to level up this relationship regardless of the baby situation? It feels like he isn't ready, and frankly, you don't know where you stand either. He clearly doesn't have 100% trust in you... I know from experience, I dealt with something similar once where I was head over heels for this girl who was a bit heavier than me, but I was constantly spiraling wondering if she actually loved me as much as I loved her. He’s obviously doubting your feelings and your intentions here. You wanted to bring him inside for a change, but he's terrified of getting stuck in a mess for the reasons we already talked about. Anyway, hope that helps a little.

Take advantage of the situation. He’s had his fun, getting what he wanted whenever the mood struck, but now that you're about to graduate college, he's suddenly terrified of commitment. It looks like he just wanted a casual fling all along. Call me cynical, but that's how it plays out. Some guys say "I love you" when they really just mean "I want to hook up."

So I met this girl recently, right? We were vibing hard—she was definitely feeling me, and I was feeling her. But then she goes on about this "friend" she has who basically just treats her like garbage and uses her whenever he’s horny. That's it. And get this—she isn't even ready to dump him for a decent guy who'd actually treat her like royalty. She's just wasting her life away while the clock keeps ticking, and she hasn't even realized it yet. Once things hit the fan and she realizes what she lost, she'll come crawling back to me, I swear. Every single one of them does. By then, it'll be too late. Honestly, I'm not sitting around waiting. You gotta get out there and make moves.

Jonathan Barnes7 said:I have to point out that he has never once finished inside me—regardless of the fact that I’m on the pill and he knows damn well that I am!

So, I don't get what happened or why he's even asking that question in the middle of sex. There is zero reason to worry about pregnancy because there is absolutely no chance of that happening. It hasn't happened before, and it won't now, especially since we use both the pull-out method and the pill!!

And yeah, our situation is still a mess right now. He just can't bring himself to fully commit or let go because of the trauma from his last long-term relationship. This has been dragging on for months. On the surface, it feels like a real relationship, except we don't go out with friends or anything; it's always just the two of us. It's like he's terrified of the actual word "relationship." As soon as things get serious, he hits the brakes. I believe him, and we've been honest with each other since day one, but he refuses to talk about what happened (and honestly, I don't want to know the details either). He's insecure and feels like he can't be in a defined relationship with me, yet he doesn't want me with anyone else and he won't let me go... but he isn't seeing anyone else either!

Ah, a woman in love.😍
It's a beautiful thing to be in love.🙂
Based on everything you've said, my impression is that you are deeply in love, you are being sincere, and you trust him—but he isn't in love with you, nor does he trust you. That sounds harsh, but it is my honest takeaway, and I feel the need to tell you so you don't end up getting blindsided.
This is at the very least a situation that requires a serious conversation with your partner. I don't think you aren't important to him, you clearly are, but man... really?😕
Regarding the potential for heartbreak: if an emotional bond has formed, a sexual partner can hurt you regardless of whether the relationship is official, public, or kept secret. In my opinion, these "secret" setups can actually hurt even more. The capacity for pain depends entirely on the emotions involved, how much that person matters to you, and the level of trust. It has nothing to do with whether you've introduced them to people as your boyfriend or girlfriend.

It’s not just about the sex. There is way more at stake than that. I honestly thought it was just physical too, but after everything we've been through, I realized it goes much deeper. It isn't just some casual hookup where you split ways afterward; there's a massive emotional layer here. He can't bring himself to say the words, but he shows it during those intimate moments.

The wounds are still pretty raw, even if it hasn't been that long. But he gets incredibly tense every single time I bring up his ex or try to clear the air with him. He either dodges the subject, pivots to something else, or just shuts down completely.

granitefalcon26 said:Maybe he’s just terrified of getting hurt again. Some wounds take a long time to heal, you know? If he’s completely shutting down whenever his ex comes up, those scars are probably still pretty raw.
If you were just some casual hookup to him, he wouldn't care who you were hanging out with when he wasn't around.

That’s exactly what I’m saying. If I were just a casual fling, he wouldn't care. But he cares. He actually got visibly upset finding out other guys were circling me. On top of that, he can't let me go, and honestly, neither can I. I'm his, and nobody else matters to him as long as he's in the picture—even if we haven't put a label on this mess yet.

It's obvious he struggles to move past his old baggage. He dropped a few hints that made me realize his life hasn't been easy since everything went down with her. Whenever the topic of a "relationship" comes up, he hits a wall. But the second I try to walk away? He does whatever it takes to make me stay. It's like he thinks there isn't anyone else out there for him.

Everything between us feels like a real relationship. We fight like an actual couple whenever third parties get mentioned, and otherwise, we click perfectly. We're totally open with each other. Neither of us is willing to let the other one slip away. In fact, I was the one who suggested we just go our separate ways at one point, since there are plenty of other girls interested in him, but he won't have it. In the end, I'm always the one he turns to for affection, a hug, or comfort. We laugh, we fight, we sleep together... it's all there. It's a full-blown relationship in every sense except for that one specific word: "commitment."

Anyone got some more advice?

Nah, I’m just messing with you. Just tell him straight up where you stand and that you’re moving forward with or without his permission, provided you actually know what you want and aren't planning on backing down later.