When people treat you like you're stupid: how to deal with the blow to your self-esteem

I’ve actually made some huge strides with my confidence over the last couple of years—like, I care way less about what people think now, even if I still struggle with it occasionally. But then, out of nowhere, something happens that just nukes my self-esteem. Someone told me this year (well, not to my face, but you get it) that they think I'm an idiot. Now? I can't stop obsessing over it. Every time I'm around them, I'm desperately trying to act smart, but it's just not working. I feel like a total moron whenever we hang out, which is weird because I don't feel this way with anyone else. It's just this one person, yet it makes me question if I actually *am* stupid in general, and honestly, my confidence is back in the gutter. My old insecurities are just resurfacing big time. Am I actually dumb or what? And how am I supposed to prove to them that I'm not? ... Just a million questions spinning in my head.

Why even bother trying to prove anything to him? Honestly, I don't think you’ll actually feel any better afterward. And even if you do manage to prove your point, how are you going to know? He might just act like he didn't get it. He’ll probably just play dumb, which might end up annoying him, but hey, at least it'll give you a good laugh. But seriously, if you don't actually think you're stupid, why do you care what his opinion is? And for heaven's sake, why are you even hanging out with this guy? For the sake of your own self-esteem, you should probably just cut him loose. It'll stop weighing on you so much.

Kimberly Wood72 said:Why even bother trying to prove anything to him? Honestly, I don't think you’ll actually feel any better afterward. And even if you do manage to prove your point, how are you going to know? He might just act like he didn't get it. He’ll probably just play dumb, which might end up annoying him, but hey, at least it'll give you a good laugh. But seriously, if you don't actually think you're stupid, why do you care what his opinion is? And for heaven's sake, why are you even hanging out with this guy? For the sake of your own self-esteem, you should probably just cut him loose. It'll stop weighing on you so much.

Because he's literally one of the only two real friends I've got in this life.

I don't see how you can call that a real friendship if being around them just makes you feel stupid and leaves you constantly dwelling on it.

Look, just drop it. You don't owe anyone a damn thing in the way of proof. The second they realize you're actually trying to defend yourself, that blow is going to land even harder. Honestly, if someone starts calling you an idiot or whatever other nonsense they throw your way, just agree with them. Tell them they’re right—actually, tell them you’re even worse than they think—and say it with a completely straight face. Once they realize their insults aren't getting under your skin, they'll eventually back off. And if they don't? Then they're the real morons here. That’s how you handle those ego-driven little brats 😛

Ask him why he thinks you're clueless.
A quick chat might help clear up why he’s seeing things that way.
Who knows? Maybe it turns out he's actually the one who's lost.

Casey Ramos78 said:I’ve actually made some huge strides with my confidence over the last couple of years—like, I care way less about what people think now, even if I still struggle with it occasionally. But then, out of nowhere, something happens that just nukes my self-esteem. Someone told me this year (well, not to my face, but you get it) that they think I'm an idiot. Now? I can't stop obsessing over it. Every time I'm around them, I'm desperately trying to act smart, but it's just not working. I feel like a total moron whenever we hang out, which is weird because I don't feel this way with anyone else. It's just this one person, yet it makes me question if I actually *am* stupid in general, and honestly, my confidence is back in the gutter. My old insecurities are just resurfacing big time. Am I actually dumb or what? And how am I supposed to prove to them that I'm not? ... Just a million questions spinning in my head.

Ah...
I honestly don't know what to tell you. I went through something very similar, though it was with certain family members.😢
Everyone deals with some version of that ego/superiority complex stuff.🙄
In my case, nobody ever explicitly called me stupid, but I could always tell by the way they treated me—like they were constantly trying to push me into a corner.
My own shyness played a big part in it too, because my family members are all totally fearless. They’re the type who would sing, dance, or walk around naked in front of 500 people without blinking, whereas I’m just not built that way.
On top of that, they’re the kind of people who won't tolerate any opinion that contradicts their own (you know the drill: "you're too young," "you don't know anything," "you need to grow up," etc.), so we'd end up clashing over the most trivial things.
To me, a college degree isn't some ultimate proof of intelligence; it's more about persistence. But with them, they see it differently (by the way, none of them even finished college), and they spout all sorts of nonsense like that.
Believe me, you'll get past this.👍

Casey Ramos78 said:Because he's literally one of the only two real friends I've got in this life.

Look: if someone is actually your friend, they aren't sitting there thinking you're an idiot. We don't hang out with people we think are stupid.

The issue isn't that you're actually "stupid"—it's just that your ego took a hit.😢
And once you feel that way, there is zero chance of fixing it by trying to prove how "smart" you are. Honestly, trying too hard to look intelligent is the fastest way to look like a moron. (Personal rule: whenever have I actually looked truly foolish? Usually when I was desperately trying to act smart 🙄 ).

It would probably be best if you could just stop dwelling on it. Go do stuff you actually enjoy, since you're good at it—that’s the real cure for low self-esteem.

There are plenty of people out there who go out of their way to prove they're idiots; those are the ones you should avoid. Just remember this: the easiest way to look stupid is by trying too hard to look smart.

Kimberly Wood72 said:I don't see how you can call that a real friendship if being around them just makes you feel stupid and leaves you constantly dwelling on it.

Exactly... that's the thing. But look, if you're insisting this person is actually a true friend, then for heaven's sake, try talking to them! Sit them down and address the issue head-on to see if it can be fixed. If they won't budge? Then honestly, why bother? There’s absolutely no point in exhausting yourself trying to manage someone else's perception of you—you shouldn't have to spend your life proving your worth to anyone.

Casey Ramos78 said:I’ve actually made some huge strides with my confidence over the last couple of years—like, I care way less about what people think now, even if I still struggle with it occasionally. But then, out of nowhere, something happens that just nukes my self-esteem. Someone told me this year (well, not to my face, but you get it) that they think I'm an idiot. Now? I can't stop obsessing over it. Every time I'm around them, I'm desperately trying to act smart, but it's just not working. I feel like a total moron whenever we hang out, which is weird because I don't feel this way with anyone else. It's just this one person, yet it makes me question if I actually *am* stupid in general, and honestly, my confidence is back in the gutter. My old insecurities are just resurfacing big time. Am I actually dumb or what? And how am I supposed to prove to them that I'm not? ... Just a million questions spinning in my head.

So, how exactly did they tell you?

Sandra Parker3 said:So, how exactly did they tell you?

Found out through his other best friend...🙄

Jerry Martinez5 said:Look: if someone is actually your friend, they aren't sitting there thinking you're an idiot. We don't hang out with people we think are stupid.

The issue isn't that you're actually "stupid"—it's just that your ego took a hit.😢
And once you feel that way, there is zero chance of fixing it by trying to prove how "smart" you are. Honestly, trying too hard to look intelligent is the fastest way to look like a moron. (Personal rule: whenever have I actually looked truly foolish? Usually when I was desperately trying to act smart 🙄 ).

It would probably be best if you could just stop dwelling on it. Go do stuff you actually enjoy, since you're good at it—that’s the real cure for low self-esteem.

There are plenty of people out there who go out of their way to prove they're idiots; those are the ones you should avoid. Just remember this: the easiest way to look stupid is by trying too hard to look smart.

Man, thanks a ton for the advice 👍

Sometimes I wonder—if I’m crushing math and picking up foreign languages like it’s nothing while everyone else my age is struggling just to pass... does that actually mean I'm smart? Or am I just kidding myself? Everyone’s got a thing, right? Plus, I heard some professor at my state university say true intelligence is just having a massive range of interests. Well, I’ve got plenty of interests—I just haven't gone deep on any of them yet. There's this guy from the start of the story who actually commits to his hobbies and masters them... then when he starts rambling about everything he knows, he just spills all this knowledge everywhere, and I'm just sitting there nodding along... it makes me feel pretty dim because I have nothing to contribute. Maybe I could talk music? I know a ton about it, but I always end up thinking he wouldn't even care about that kind of stuff anyway.

Just be yourself and enjoy it.
edited: I mean, why does lecturing people about your hobbies even count as proof of intelligence? Like, why do you feel the need to constantly drone on about everything you've read or learned just to make sure everyone thinks you're smart? To me, stupidity is basically just people being unable to understand me when I don't use super literal, basic language or if they miss a really obvious connection. By the way, I have this friend who is a total walking encyclopedia when it comes to music—he knows every single song, album, and release ever made. He’s absolutely brilliant at it, but man, he’s such a slow conversationalist. I honestly have to watch what I say and keep things incredibly simple so I don't trip him up with my own random associations, because he just can't always keep up.

Sandra Parker3 said:So, how exactly did they tell you?

Casey Ramos78 said:Found out through his other best friend...🙄

??? 😕

Honestly, you really oughtta just sit that friend down and have a straight-up, no-BS conversation... see what's actually going on behind the scenes. There's a damn good chance this whole thing is just some bullshit made up by the other guy... just total fiction... 🙄
So... what’s your take on this whole mess!? Seriously...

Casey Ramos78 said:Sometimes I wonder—if I’m crushing math and picking up foreign languages like it’s nothing while everyone else my age is struggling just to pass... does that actually mean I'm smart? Or am I just kidding myself? Everyone’s got a thing, right? Plus, I heard some professor at my state university say true intelligence is just having a massive range of interests. Well, I’ve got plenty of interests—I just haven't gone deep on any of them yet. There's this guy from the start of the story who actually commits to his hobbies and masters them... then when he starts rambling about everything he knows, he just spills all this knowledge everywhere, and I'm just sitting there nodding along... it makes me feel pretty dim because I have nothing to contribute. Maybe I could talk music? I know a ton about it, but I always end up thinking he wouldn't even care about that kind of stuff anyway.

Look, I hang out with people who barely scraped by in math class, and they don't walk around thinking they're idiots. I wonder if the kids in your high school who fail math think they're dumb? Ha. Whatever.🙄

There isn't such a thing as a person who thinks they are stupid. Stupid people are always someone else—usually people we don't like. If someone feels stupid, it probably doesn't mean they lack a passion for math or philosophy; it usually means someone hurt them and trashed their self-confidence.😢

I don't think you’ve actually made that massive leap forward you keep talking about—not when you're still getting bogged down by such trivial nonsense... and honestly, why does it even matter if one person thinks you're being foolish? I'd bet my bottom dollar there are at least ten others feeling the exact same way... whether it was about you, me, or anyone else in the world, it wouldn't change much.

briskskipper71 said:Just be yourself and enjoy it.
edited: I mean, why does lecturing people about your hobbies even count as proof of intelligence? Like, why do you feel the need to constantly drone on about everything you've read or learned just to make sure everyone thinks you're smart? To me, stupidity is basically just people being unable to understand me when I don't use super literal, basic language or if they miss a really obvious connection. By the way, I have this friend who is a total walking encyclopedia when it comes to music—he knows every single song, album, and release ever made. He’s absolutely brilliant at it, but man, he’s such a slow conversationalist. I honestly have to watch what I say and keep things incredibly simple so I don't trip him up with my own random associations, because he just can't always keep up.

I'm pretty slow myself—which is probably why I feel pretty dim. I don't even get jokes half the time; I take everything way too seriously. Put me in a group of more than two people and I just shut down. Honestly, the only time I can actually relax and crack a joke is when I'm talking one-on-one, eye-to-eye.

You aren't actually stupid, you're just lacking confidence—and honestly, there's a huge difference between the two

I don't even know how to start this. Growing up, everyone always told me I was a good-looking kid, you know? I never really had issues with my looks back then. But then, when I was about 11, I got into a car accident and ended up gaining a ton of weight. I wasn't that cute little kid anymore. I stayed at that weight until I was 17, which is when I finally decided to go on a diet. I managed to drop about 45 pounds. I figured things would get better after that. Everyone kept telling me, "You're handsome, but if you just lost some weight, you'd be perfect." So, I did it just to please people. It was pretty shallow and stupid of me, I guess. Anyway, now that I'm 18, I've totally transformed. I'm actually about 10 pounds underweight now. People tell me I'm gorgeous—some even said I should try modeling, but I passed because of school. I thought life would finally start looking up, but man, it hasn't. People just won't stop picking at me. They comment on my looks constantly and they've totally wrecked my confidence. Guys bump into me on purpose in the hallways, and there's all this gossip floating around that I'm stuck-up or gay (not sure why, but whatever). I've always been the guy who helps everyone out and I've never been arrogant. I'm a great student too. I was targeted before, but now it feels even worse. I just feel like no matter what I do, it's wrong. My self-esteem is basically trashed. When I look in the mirror, I see a handsome face, but somehow it still looks ugly to me. I don't get it. I don't do anything bad to anyone, I'm trying my best... but nothing's working. I'm feeling pretty depressed and I honestly don't know what to do.