My mother is being a nightmare, help!

Let me break this down briefly. I live with my brother and my mother. Our relationship is basically a Cinderella story—and not the fairy tale kind. It’s a disaster. To put it bluntly, she treats me like garbage, while my brother is the golden child. He doesn't openly hate me, but when I actually need a hand with something, he acts like we're strangers. There’s no reason for it; I’m a decent kid—not rude, not lazy, none of that. My grades have always been solid—straight As in middle school, mostly As and Bs now in high school—so there aren't any major issues there. But every single day when I get home from school, I’m expected to handle chores that would make most people do a double-take. For instance, I get home, and before my mother gets back around 4:00 PM, I have to wash the dishes, start the laundry, hang it up, fold the dry clothes, and lately, even organize her things. If I put something back in the wrong spot because I don't know her specific system, she blows up at me, calling me incompetent or stupid. It's constant. I’m expected to take out the trash, vacuum and clean both my room and hers (!) twice a week, mop the floors, you name it. Meanwhile, my brother doesn't have to lift a finger; he isn't in school and doesn't work, so he just sits around all day on his PC or watching TV. And when my mother finally walks through the door, she’s never satisfied. She always finds something to nitpick—why this wasn't done a certain way or how I could have done better. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time she gave me a shred of praise. So, after she finishes criticizing my housework, I try to get some studying done, then ask if I can go out for a bit in the evening—maybe grab coffee or see friends—but she won't let me go out for more than once a week. She claims I need to study and that I'll ruin my GPA if I don't 🙄
On weekends, she lets me go out Saturday night, though I rarely have the cash to do anything since my weekly allowance is only $17, which barely covers lunch at school or supplies like notebooks and photocopies. On top of that, she expects me to have enough left over for coffee on Saturdays. That is physically impossible. Meanwhile, she gives my brother whatever he wants, around $33, without a second thought because "he's older and has more needs." He can be out 24/7. I'm grounded by 10:00 PM on Saturdays, no exceptions. He stays out whenever he feels like it; once he even stumbled in at 5:00 AM drunk, and she didn't even notice because she was asleep. She just asked him when he got in, and whatever he said, it didn't matter. If I had done that, I would have been grounded for a month. Now, my friends are inviting me to a cabin for New Year's Day, and when I asked if I could go, she naturally said no. When I asked why she's constantly so harsh with me, she just told me to look at how I act and try to be more like my brother 😕 (meaning, she thinks I should stop complaining about how she treats me)
The absolute worst part happened this past summer. I took on a job to save up for a trip to Florida, and I actually managed to earn some money. She even let me go on the trip, which was great. I kept my cash in my wallet, but then $333 went missing. When I told her, she acted like she felt bad for me, only for me to find that exact money in my brother's possession. Her response? She just told him to give it back to me. Thinking about her makes me sick. I don't know what to do, but I can't live like this anymore. Please, I need advice before I lose my mind.

So, how old are you actually? Honestly, I think you should move out as soon as possible.
🙂
But in all seriousness—something feels off here. You might be subconsciously blaming yourself for some of her bad life choices. You haven't mentioned your father or what the overall family dynamic looks like?

Look, regardless of everything else, you need to stand up to her. Even if it means getting into a heated argument—you have to be direct about what’s bothering you and back it up with real examples.

There are plenty of parents out there who take way too much control over their adult children—and that pattern just keeps going until the kids finally push back.

Stick to your guns when explaining yourself.

Are you staying anywhere else at the moment?

Exactly... you have to stand up for yourself. Start asking why your precious 😵 brother doesn't have to lift a finger while you're out there grinding all day. Why does he get a free pass while you're held to such high standards? Why is he walking away with more cash than you despite doing absolutely nothing useful...
Ultimately, what would happen if you just told her you'd split the chores equally with him? Like, if the vacuuming happens twice a week, you'll do it once and he'll do it the other time. Look, you need to advocate for yourself, because if you don't, nobody else is going to do it for you...

Looking ahead, the biggest thing you really need to grasp is that, honestly, almost 100% of the time, they aren’t going to shift their fundamental attitude toward you—no matter what you try to do... I guess the smartest move would just be to find your own independence as soon as possible...

Just us left... how old are you anyway?

It has been about four hours since the last update. I suppose he might be in an "acute" phase of a crisis right now—meaning something probably happened today that prompted him to post this. It would probably be beneficial if he checked back in; then, if anyone is able to offer concrete advice on what he can do "right here, right now," I think that would be most helpful. Otherwise, my personal opinion is that it might be best, at least initially, for him to simply head to those friends' cabin for New Year's Day, despite his mother's prohibition. This should only be considered if he is certain she has no way to contact them or their parents, so as to avoid any unnecessary drama or scenes. A second option could be finding employment to start generating his own money, though I worry that might negatively impact his grades, which are actually quite excellent. A third possibility—is there perhaps someone else in the family who could offer him support if he decides to stand up to his mother? Maybe a relative, an aunt, or his father's side of the family—someone willing to clash with his mother on his behalf.

Those are just some initial thoughts and suggestions from a bit of a distance—hopefully they serve as useful guidelines for you to consider. I wish you a great deal of luck. Having a mother who has lost her mind, especially if there isn't a father nearby to help, makes for a difficult life problem; however, if this situation encourages your independence and greater emotional resilience for the rest of your life, then perhaps everything can still be turned to your advantage.

@ambermaker12
Go check out the thread Emotional vampires.
Honestly, I think your gut feeling about this whole situation is totally valid.
I’d bet anything that when someone from out of town asks your mom how things are going, she’s definitely bragging about you more than she is about your brother.
It feels like she wants to keep you, maybe without even realizing it herself, right by her side as she gets older, and she’s doing everything in her power to make sure you stay dependent on her.

You really ought to take a close look at what Lockheed Martin wrote there.

ambermaker12 said:Let me break this down briefly. I live with my brother and my mother. Our relationship is basically a Cinderella story—and not the fairy tale kind. It’s a disaster. To put it bluntly, she treats me like garbage, while my brother is the golden child. He doesn't openly hate me, but when I actually need a hand with something, he acts like we're strangers. There’s no reason for it; I’m a decent kid—not rude, not lazy, none of that. My grades have always been solid—straight As in middle school, mostly As and Bs now in high school—so there aren't any major issues there. But every single day when I get home from school, I’m expected to handle chores that would make most people do a double-take. For instance, I get home, and before my mother gets back around 4:00 PM, I have to wash the dishes, start the laundry, hang it up, fold the dry clothes, and lately, even organize her things. If I put something back in the wrong spot because I don't know her specific system, she blows up at me, calling me incompetent or stupid. It's constant. I’m expected to take out the trash, vacuum and clean both my room and hers (!) twice a week, mop the floors, you name it. Meanwhile, my brother doesn't have to lift a finger; he isn't in school and doesn't work, so he just sits around all day on his PC or watching TV. And when my mother finally walks through the door, she’s never satisfied. She always finds something to nitpick—why this wasn't done a certain way or how I could have done better. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time she gave me a shred of praise. So, after she finishes criticizing my housework, I try to get some studying done, then ask if I can go out for a bit in the evening—maybe grab coffee or see friends—but she won't let me go out for more than once a week. She claims I need to study and that I'll ruin my GPA if I don't 🙄
On weekends, she lets me go out Saturday night, though I rarely have the cash to do anything since my weekly allowance is only $17, which barely covers lunch at school or supplies like notebooks and photocopies. On top of that, she expects me to have enough left over for coffee on Saturdays. That is physically impossible. Meanwhile, she gives my brother whatever he wants, around $33, without a second thought because "he's older and has more needs." He can be out 24/7. I'm grounded by 10:00 PM on Saturdays, no exceptions. He stays out whenever he feels like it; once he even stumbled in at 5:00 AM drunk, and she didn't even notice because she was asleep. She just asked him when he got in, and whatever he said, it didn't matter. If I had done that, I would have been grounded for a month. Now, my friends are inviting me to a cabin for New Year's Day, and when I asked if I could go, she naturally said no. When I asked why she's constantly so harsh with me, she just told me to look at how I act and try to be more like my brother 😕 (meaning, she thinks I should stop complaining about how she treats me)
The absolute worst part happened this past summer. I took on a job to save up for a trip to Florida, and I actually managed to earn some money. She even let me go on the trip, which was great. I kept my cash in my wallet, but then $333 went missing. When I told her, she acted like she felt bad for me, only for me to find that exact money in my brother's possession. Her response? She just told him to give it back to me. Thinking about her makes me sick. I don't know what to do, but I can't live like this anymore. Please, I need advice before I lose my mind.

And where’s your old man?

I have a friend who went through basically the exact same thing. She finally decided to stand her ground and tell her mom straight up how much this was draining her. Since then, things have shifted. Her mom still expects certain things, sure, but there’s more breathing room and more freedom—it’s a slow process, but it’s definitely getting better. Honestly, my advice? Try standing up for yourself too. Show them who you really are. Nobody else is going to step up and do that for you. Fight for yourself so you don't let this destroy you. Good luck 👍

I'm 16. I don't live with my old man—he isn't even in the States right now. It’s not like I can just go out and be independent at my age. Even if I managed to pick up some extra shifts for the holidays and through the summer, it still wouldn't be nearly enough.

Morgan Rodriguez57 said:Looking ahead, the biggest thing you really need to grasp is that, honestly, almost 100% of the time, they aren’t going to shift their fundamental attitude toward you—no matter what you try to do... I guess the smartest move would just be to find your own independence as soon as possible...

Exactly. For me, the absolute worst part is my mom only letting me out on Saturdays, and even then, only until 10 PM. She wouldn't even let me go to a friend's cabin for the weekend. Just that, and nothing else.

I guess I agree with what Basta wrote. Though, I see things a bit differently: your brother is older, finished high school, and isn't working? I suspect she treats him like a total washout, which is why she expects zero from him. She expects way more from you, so she's being way harder on you than he is. What’s the deal with college? Does she actually want you to enroll?

(if she doesn't, I still strongly suggest you go for it. There's nothing better to recommend to a 16-year-old who's doing well in school 👍)

Regarding those chores you mentioned (don't get mad at me), based on your description, she isn't giving you much to do. That's actually more work than most guys usually get, but you probably knock it all out in an hour or two a day, right? It sucks that she criticizes you afterward instead of just saying thanks. And it sucks that she makes such a massive distinction between you and your brother. But again: she treats him like a failure. Would she even make him vacuum the house if she ordered him to? Can she even order him to do anything?

My advice is to just grit your teeth and stop arguing with her. If you have the guts, go to that cabin. Next Saturday, if you can, try coming home by midnight. Making you do chores isn't actually the problem—I really mean that. In ten years, you might actually be grateful (and your future girlfriend will definitely be grateful 🙂). It's a mess that she only gives you $17 a week, though I don't know how much money you guys have. If things aren't tight, which I assume you know, insist on getting the same as your brother. (If you start fighting for it, you won't get it easily... but it's worth the fight)

I really wish you'd realize your brother isn't benefiting from this approach either. She's spoiled him, and I doubt it'll do him any good in the long run.

You aren't going to please her, no matter what. Just like Basta said. Realize she's just... messed up, maybe from the divorce or whatever else 😢. Whatever you do, don't let your grades slip. I know I sound like a nag, but damn, it's a fact: your success in school and whether you go to college determines how you're going to live for the next 70 years 🤷

Honestly, just sit down and talk to her—it’s what everyone else suggested, anyway. She probably isn't even fully aware of how she's acting. It sounds like she might just be an immature, frustrated person. You could likely figure out where all that frustration is coming from—maybe a messy divorce or some trouble at work, I guess. If I had to venture a guess—and someone else mentioned something similar to you already—she probably views you as "too young" to actually feel deeply, which makes her think she can act out without causing you any real harm. It's kind of like those people who act irresponsibly toward toddlers because they assume kids don't "get it" yet, or aren't at a conscious level where they can be hurt by it. She seems to be taking you for granted, and you really need to shift that dynamic—you have to show her that you aren't there to serve her needs, but rather that she should be contributing to yours, too. If you're feeling unsure about how to approach that, maybe consider talking to a school counselor? Perhaps you could arrange a discreet meeting—no one else needs to know, of course. Try to get her alone—ideally not in front of her brother—and ask if she realizes how much her behavior affects you, especially since she treats you so differently than him. Ask her why she thinks she does that. You could also try talking to her father, assuming he's a reasonable person—if he isn't, then maybe just skip that part.

Good luck.

I’ve already tried telling her—it's useless, she just won't listen. She constantly gets on my case, acting as if I'm somehow the one behaving like an emotional vampire.

By the way, if you manage to shift her perspective through a real conversation, you might actually help her find some direction in her own life too. I suppose your initiative—and the point you make about how important mutual respect is within the household—could be exactly what she needs, especially since she seems to have been neglecting herself lately. She’s probably even more mentally checked out than your brother is.

Maybe this talk will end up being the first meaningful conversation she's had in ages—one where someone finally shows her that they actually care and love her.

ambermaker12 said:I’ve already tried telling her—it's useless, she just won't listen. She constantly gets on my case, acting as if I'm somehow the one behaving like an emotional vampire.

But how does he actually act? Is it really that different from you? He probably just smiles and plays along to stay in her good graces, then does whatever he wants anyway. Meanwhile, you're the one constantly pushing back.

ambermaker12 said:I’ve already tried telling her—it's useless, she just won't listen. She constantly gets on my case, acting as if I'm somehow the one behaving like an emotional vampire.

What does she mean exactly? In what way is he supposed to be acting like "that guy"?

Jerry Martinez5 said:Exactly. For me, the absolute worst part is my mom only letting me out on Saturdays, and even then, only until 10 PM. She wouldn't even let me go to a friend's cabin for the weekend. Just that, and nothing else.

I guess I agree with what Basta wrote. Though, I see things a bit differently: your brother is older, finished high school, and isn't working? I suspect she treats him like a total washout, which is why she expects zero from him. She expects way more from you, so she's being way harder on you than he is. What’s the deal with college? Does she actually want you to enroll?

(if she doesn't, I still strongly suggest you go for it. There's nothing better to recommend to a 16-year-old who's doing well in school 👍)

Regarding those chores you mentioned (don't get mad at me), based on your description, she isn't giving you much to do. That's actually more work than most guys usually get, but you probably knock it all out in an hour or two a day, right? It sucks that she criticizes you afterward instead of just saying thanks. And it sucks that she makes such a massive distinction between you and your brother. But again: she treats him like a failure. Would she even make him vacuum the house if she ordered him to? Can she even order him to do anything?

My advice is to just grit your teeth and stop arguing with her. If you have the guts, go to that cabin. Next Saturday, if you can, try coming home by midnight. Making you do chores isn't actually the problem—I really mean that. In ten years, you might actually be grateful (and your future girlfriend will definitely be grateful 🙂). It's a mess that she only gives you $17 a week, though I don't know how much money you guys have. If things aren't tight, which I assume you know, insist on getting the same as your brother. (If you start fighting for it, you won't get it easily... but it's worth the fight)

I really wish you'd realize your brother isn't benefiting from this approach either. She's spoiled him, and I doubt it'll do him any good in the long run.

You aren't going to please her, no matter what. Just like Basta said. Realize she's just... messed up, maybe from the divorce or whatever else 😢. Whatever you do, don't let your grades slip. I know I sound like a nag, but damn, it's a fact: your success in school and whether you go to college determines how you're going to live for the next 70 years 🤷

Well, money isn't an issue here because my brother always gets whatever he wants—he got a car for his 18th birthday, and at 16, he got a motorcycle, which definitely wasn't cheap. If she can afford her own cigarettes, she can certainly afford to give me a bit more.

It’s funny—whenever he asks her for a little favor, she rolls out the red carpet. But because those are just tiny trifles, while I’m over here pushing back on the heavy lifting—the stuff that actually takes real time and effort—I end up looking like the difficult one. It’s a rigged game; she treats my multi-hour projects and his five-minute errands as if they carry the exact same weight.

I totally get where you're coming from because I went through the exact same thing with my own family. My grades were solid, just like yours—I was always the "good kid," never caused trouble, but nothing I did was ever enough for them. They’d fight me on the smallest, most basic things. I got the same advice you did: "stand your ground and choose yourself," so that's exactly what I did. It turned into a two-year tug-of-war. Things got ugly because they refused to even consider that they might be wrong. Just like your mom, they blamed me for the family falling apart, called me unstable, and even sent me to a psychiatrist. Turns out, the doctor said I was perfectly fine. But when he gave that verdict? They just brushed him off like he didn't know anything. From my experience, honestly, not much changes until you finally move out. After two years of fighting, we basically act like nothing happened, though we still argue and ignore each other quite a bit. I know this isn't exactly comforting, but it's better to brace yourself for the worst now. I really hope your mom settles down soon and realizes what she's doing to her own kid.
Good luck

Morgan Rodriguez57 said:Looking ahead, the biggest thing you really need to grasp is that, honestly, almost 100% of the time, they aren’t going to shift their fundamental attitude toward you—no matter what you try to do... I guess the smartest move would just be to find your own independence as soon as possible...

That right there is the only piece of advice worth a damn, and it’s the cold, hard truth.
I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count.
Sure, those people might not be able to do much damage to your immediate life, but listen to me—nobody else can pay the price for your soul and your own sense of self-worth..